Meditation: ACHIEVED

So after years and years of people suggesting I try meditating or asking if I meditate, and telling me how much it puts you in contact with your Higher Power and how great it is for your soul and spirit and how calming it is and blah blah blah, I'd fucking heard enough.  As a tweaker/ex-tweaker, I couldn't/can't sit still long enough to be "still" enough to calm myself and.or listen for God to speak to me in some miraculous "burning bush" manner.  So I pretty much gave up on it as BS and something from recovery that just wasn't for me; attributing it to the category of "take what you need and leave the rest."
Well, after years of scoffing at it, last night, I think I finally achieved a quiet, peaceful, tranquil enough state that I can't explain the following in any other manner other than just saying that it was like a bolt of lightning out of the blue sky; sending me a message as clear as day that I heard loud and clear and received clearly as if it was from someone shouting in my ear right next to me:  my behavior lately (namely, over the past 2 weeks) has been unacceptable and completely out of line with recovery and any sort of healthy, self-awareness increasing, accountability and responsibility increasing manner of thought.  More specifically, I've stopped creating over the last 2 weeks, and have, instead, become a black hole of soul sucking energy and am only draining the positive, well-meaning, good-intentioned energy of those around me.  I've stopped generating positive vibes and positivity and instead have become a fucking soul sucking succubus, feeding off the life force of others.

I'll expand on this more later and go into further detail of my revelation and what I plan to do on it, but I have an appointment I'm late for.

One that I believe is going to be very fun.

#naughtyfilthywhore

Handling Business

Being me is a full time job I swear.  Since waking up this morning I've been on the phone scheduling or confirming appointments, checking in with my mom, Sponsor, and other friends, and, what I'm most excited about, is scheduling interviews for this week.  Earlier in the week I applied for a data processing entry clerk position on a job ad I had seen on Craigslist.org and yesterday I  received a voicemail from someone in HR for that position.  I called her back this morning and chatted with her on the phone for about a half hour about the position, myself and what I'm looking for, my skill-set, my current climate of what I've got going on in my life right now, and the specifics and details of the position itself, should I be offered the position.  At the end of the discussion, she was very excited and eager to offer an interview slot to schedule me in at which they're also going to do an administrative skill assessment test to see how bomb I am at everything there is to do with a PC and Microsoft Office basically.  I'm excited!!!  As for today, have about another hour and a half to chill before my first meeting of the day, then have another one after that at 5:30.  After only going to 1 meeting last week, I can confidently say my level of crazy and self-centered fear and egotism has reached and all-time high and I need some recovery in me...quickly.


stay tuned...

Hibernation

So, I went to bed last night at around 2 AM.  Late and unnecessary and irresponsible yes I know...but I was up late answering job ads on Craigslist and sending my resume off to just about every ad I came across that remotely matched the description of what I'd like to be doing.  Anyway, as I said:  went to bed at 2ish, woke up at 10ish, took my morning medications then decided I was going to lay back down "just for a little bit."  And holy fucking time warp, I didn't wake up again until 8 pm.  I slept the ENTIRE fucking day.  I needed to go down to the leasing office today regarding some maintenance issues and I also needed to call my psychiatrist's office to find out when my next appointment is today, but I, clearly, missed the opportunity to do all that =\

So since I slept until 8, it looks like I'll be pulling an all nighter and am just going to stay awake up through the night, morning, and plow on through tomorrow until I can crash at a reasonable hour tomorrow night to be ready for volunteer hours on Wednesday at Morgan Specialties.  So if you read this tonight and feel like chatting, message me or text or email me, I'll be up =)

stay tuned....

Targeted: Day 2

Day 2 of having a target zero'd in on me by disgruntled neighbors.  I made progress today though and managed to get out of the apartment for a few hours to run some errands.  I got lucky because when my mom showed up to pick me up to take me shopping and to go to Walmart, the entire alley way between the apartment buildings was deserted and, much to my relief, everyone had retreated back to their lairs for the moment.  So I was able to slip out of the apartment unnoticed and go run my Sunday errands.  I got lucky again when I returned because the alley was empty then too.  So while I'm still staying indoors at all times and not going outside my front door without an escort or making sure the coast is clear, I think my mom and my sponsor may be right in their opinions that this whole thing is just going to subside and, eventually, die and be forgotten and/or the ratchet ass motherfuckers I'm having trouble with end up being evicted or just move.  While it doesn't feel like that right now as I still catch snippets of their conversations sometimes when I'm out on the patio smoking and none of them speak too highly of me, I do think that the original source of all this chaos, the guy who was sort of the leader of the pack and the poor schmuck who was the first one to get evicted in the first place is, currently, in the process of still being their voice of reason and clan-leader and is talking them out of acting out in stupid ways that would only lead to more trouble for them than they already could potentially be in considering some of the things I know that they are up to behind closed doors, as well as just how many people they have living in that apartment, which I promise you, is FAR larger than the unit lease permit allows to reside in one residence.  So I just basically have to wait it out I guess.  Tomorrow I'm gonna some serious bravery though and try leaving by myself and not having any one with me or as my escort/witness because I need to get back into a regular meeting attendance schedule and I can't let some hood rat broke ass trash motherfuckers stop me from going to get my recovery in so I don't wind up crazy like I have been the last couple of days.  In a conversation with my sponsor this afternoon, I admitted to him upon being asked that I hadn't been to a meeting since Tuesday......TUESDAY.  Obviously, he was not happy with me.  So I'm off to bed (at a reasonable hour) to catch my required 8+ hours of sleep so I can wake up on time in the morning and go to a meeting at 10:30, then another one at 2:30.

Stay tuned....

Hostage

The absolutely ratchet, low class, ghetto, thugged out, stereotypical, back-peddling, offensive behavior of certain ethnic groups never ceases to amaze me.  Due to an incident that occurred last night in which someone tried to break into my apartment (through the front fucking door....while I was home)  I, like any rational, responsible, normal member of society would do, called the police for officers to come handle the situation instead of me reverting back to old behaviors and channeling my inner thug and handling the problem with myself, my temper, and my knives I keep on hand just in case of just such an emergency.  The problem in all this is that dispatch then called me back and asked me to step outside to make contact with the police officers.  So I complied, made contact, where I then, like a fucking IDIOT, proceeded to provide all the information to the police officers that they requested as to who I believed was responsible or involved in the attempted break in, which just so happened to be one of my now ex-neighbors who had just been evicted that same day.  This neighbor also, for the record, happens to be hood AF, a drug dealer, and the prominent leader of this particular racial group residing in this apartment complex.  While I had only distinctly heard his voice and was able to confirm that it was him, I didn't, unfortunately, get a clear solid 100% confidence visual of him, which the officers told me that I needed to do in situations like this so they knew (or had an idea) of who they needed to go after and be looking for.
Here's where it get's interesting and the foreshadowing of troubling events takes place:  REGARDLESS of my lack of a positive visual recognition and confirmation of the identity of said hood rat, they still, well Gosh wouldn't you know it, just so happen to find him wandering around the complex a short distance away after a tip off from another neighbor who had seen him up to no good.  So, needless to say, any idiot can connect the dots here.  But it all went downhill from there.  Word apparently spread fast in "their" networks that I was the one that not only called the police, but provided them with all the information needed to identify and detain the person in question, which has now resulted in the situation I'm currently stuck in:  being a fucking prisoner in my own motherfucking apartment.
Another neighbor, who happens to be this person's brother, now has it out for me and is basically camped out in front of his window facing my apartment waiting for site of me, at which at his first opportunity is going to take any chance he can get at fucking me up.  My fear of this was confirmed today when I was walking back inside my apartment with a case of gatorade my mom had brought me and just as I got back into my apartment, he bolted out of his and took off up the stairs towards me to, without a doubt, attack me, but was stopped in his tracks by my guardian angel of a neighbor, S____.  She came right out and intercepted him and they proceeded to get into a shouting match full of expletives and reasons why he was going to "fuck that motherfuckiug faggot [ie.me] up.
THEN, on top of this, S____ and I discovered that the individual from last night that I helped identify as being involved in the attempted break ins, was secretly hiding out at his brother's apartment along with the rest of his hood rat clan and, from what I've gathered, now has a fucking hit out on me or some shit because, basically, if II step outside my front door or leave my apartment in the next few days, I'll probably be attacked and brutally fucked up.
So here I am, stuck in my apartment on a rainy day, hating my neighbors, people who ignorantly and obliviously play into negative stereotypes society already has about them, and also just hating this whole situation all together because I mean c'mon ....REALLY?  I'm fucking a prisoner in my own goddamn apartment?  This is some fucked up shit.

What Happens when somebody else becomes your focus

Okay so what started out as a well-intentioned, selfless, attempt at being of service to a friend who is currently in the midst of all the chaos that comes with a move (especially in his case since he's moving to Texas from Las Vegas) turned out to be a complete, total, disorganized, frustrating, argumentative, cluster fuck, that left me feeling unappreciated, kinda used, and robbed of spending any real good time with my friend before he leaves for Texas, because the only time we spent together over the last 24 hours was him giving me directions on what to throw away, keep, separate to the site for shipping, or what needed to comed with him in his car for the big drive to Texas.
Don't get me wrong I'm happy I was able to help and provide my assistance to a close friend.  Not only my assistance, but the kind of assistance that's my favorite and best quality:  organization and streamlining and categorization out of chaos and disorder.  I LIVE for that shit.  Bringing shape and order and uniformity and consistency and accuracy to what used to be an absolute mess.....It gets me excited just thinking about it.
However, lines of communication must have gotten mixed up somewhere, because after I had finished the job and everything was gathered up and placed where it needed to be (or so I thought), I get a phone call from my friend a short while later saying not only did he leave his keys to get into the house INSIDE the house, but also that he thought I meant I was going to take care of every loose odd and ends of packing up, prepping, and organization his belongings of what's being thrown away, shipped, or driven with him.  I'm not even going to lie:  that infuriated me, because I took pictures on my phone of the finished products and organized areas and also took a shot video tour of the entire house to display on video for the property management company that the house is, essentially, being returned in the same condition that my friend received it in.  Because if they see he kept up on maintenance issues and taking care of the property, he gets like over $1000 of a security deposit back. So I can understand his frustration in wanting to make sure this gets done and done right.  That's a lot of money.

But dude, seriously....it's just time to throw some shit away!!!!

Doctor's Appointment

Yeah, today was one of those days we all hate or dread or fear because of our dislike for doctor's, doctor's offices, or something about the medical profession that just rubbed us the wrong way.  Nothing about the profession rubs me the wrong way at all.  Hell, those people are in the business of saving lives; more power to 'em.  So why do I dread doctor days?  For a very specific reason and diagnosis and for those of you close to me and who know me personally will know exactly what I am talking about because I will not openly disclose it on here, as you never know who might read this and you can't trust anybody these days (no seriously, ANYBODY).
Anyway, back to my doctor's visit.  I'll skip any flourish and pomp:  it went great.  My health in this particular area is fantastic and everything else they ran tests for came back squeaky clean.  So, essentially, today, I got a clean bill of health.  Feels good to know that I may be a fuck up in some areas...but as far as personal health and taking care of myself, I officially got the doctor's approval.

Stay tuned....

Jedi Master

So my new sponsor is nothing short of a Jedi Master.  Although, for those of you that know him, he's probably bearing more of a similar appearance to Darth Vader, being all tall n' black n' shit, but I am going to liken him to Yoda, as the wisdom, experience, strength, and guidance this man is giving to me on a daily basis is nothing short of a true gift from God.  

Two instances in the last 24 hours are standing out for me.  In the first, it's concerning a phone list I received at a meeting recently.  Upon receiving it and after mulling it over for a while at home, I decided that I was going to do something different for a change and actually use the phone list and call some people from it.  Well not exactly call...I decided to text.  I thought I was doing all fine and good with this decision since I would be jumping out of my comfort zone a little bit and reaching out to new people I didn't know.  Upon telling my sponsor, however, I was quickly told "Woah woah woah...back up.  Everything was great until you started being stupid."  In a nutshell, he told me the whole reason of a phone list was for me to CALL the people on it and step out of my comfort zone of isolation and keeping myself separated from other people, and that hiding behind a text message was not going to cut it.  So bam, lesson #1 right there.

Lesson #2 involves the current fight I'm having between myself and, as I've taken to calling her over the past 24 hours, the "Dragon Lady" (aka my mother).  To make a long story short and condense it to the essentials:  she fell short of some responsibilities that she had and fucked up and is refusing to either acknowledge or apologize for any wrong doing and is accusing me of being crazy like I'm making shit up, and to make matters worse is then hiding behind recovery lingo and al-anon slogans to show how "recovered" she is so that she doesn't have to take part in my "insanity."  Bitch, holding you accountable for your actions (or inactions in this case) is not insanity.  How I'm gonna show up at your house and break every fucking window there if you hang up on me one more time....THAT'S insanity.  But after telling my sponsor all of this and venting he got me to cool down, and essentially talked me off the ledge of doing something stupid and got me back into the voice of reason and reminded me that I'm going to need her before she's going to need me, that I should pick my battles, and that, on this one, I need to let her off the hook.  And as much as it kills me, I know he's right, and I'm going to have to.  

Even though I KNOW the bitch fucked up.  

I am not crazy or making this shit up.  

Stay tuned...

Wtf...what time is it?

Did I seriously wake up at 7:20 of my own accord on a Sunday after getting a full night's sleep?  What the hell is going on around here.  You'd think I was acting like a grown up and being responsible or something.  Now I get to go to my home group meeting though, Sunday Morning Meeting, at 9:30!  And of course, the one day that I finally decide to return to that meeting and will be in attendance, I get a text from my sponsor saying he won't be there.  Lame.
Other than that, things have been really quiet over the last week.  I'm under orders/guidance from my sponsor to "be by myself for 90 days."  In other words, no "stray kittens," no random tricks, no random visitors in my apartment, no sketchy company, no drama, no sketchy/questionable friends, none of it.  Just me being by myself, because he said Michael needs to get okay with just being with Michael and not having to rely on having anybody else around to validate my existence.  I know he's right, but it's fucking lonely for a codependent like me who is used to gauging if he's okay based on making sure everybody else is okay.  Now that I don't have anybody else to focus on, all the attention, focus, and spotlights are on me and my feelings and my actions and behaviors and it's uncomfortable because I have to accept full responsibility for whatever happens throughout the course of my days now.  On the plus side, since implementing this "no stray kittens" directive, the past week has been quiet, calm, and peaceful, which is different from what I'm used to which is drama, chaos, or always something going on that I'm in the middle of or inserting myself in the middle of.  So sitting with myself and trying to get comfortable just being by myself is definitely proving to be a challenge, but so far it seems to be worth it because that loneliness I originally felt is subsiding and I'm starting to value my solitude and alone time to be able to do what I want or need to do to take care of myself.

Speaking of taking care of myself, time to get in the shower and head out for the meeting.

Stay tuned faithful followers.....

What the hell time is it?

I actually woke up this morning before 8 o'clock.  And I had slept for almost 12 hours.  I was feeling really anxious yesterday (again for some reason, it's been happening a lot lately) and decided to take one of the new medications my psychiatrist had added to my regimen:  Hydroxyzine.  It came with a warning that it may make me drowsy but I thought "Bitch, I was a meth addict, it takes tranquilizer darts and ambien to take me down" and laughed it off. UMMMM....Hydroxyzine is NO JOKE.  I took one of those things and a clonopin and I was OUT for 5 solid hours, woke up, ate some string cheese, and went right back to bed and slept all the way through until this morning.  So that medication is staying in my arsenal for when I can't sleep...shit ain't a joke.
Being up this early also has another perk:  I didn't sleep in, as usual, through my alarm, which means I'm awake and gonna be able to shower and get dressed here shortly and head to one of my favorite meetings all week:  Man to Man (a men's stag meeting) at the 3M Club.  I also may hit up Saturday Night Surrender later tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital, but we'll see what I get into today and what my day entails as the afternoon unfolds.
Another project that I know I need to get started on is my next journal project.  See, I keep 2 journals.....there's this one, that you're reading now, which, for the most part, covers summaries and re-caps of my days and thoughts, but, I will admit, is edited and watered down in certain areas that are unfit for the public eye.  The REAL journal, where the REAL shit is...the kinda shit that would land me in jail for if I ever ran for public office, the black mail type of shit:  all that shit is in the actual journal:  the composition notebook I keep on my person at all times.  Before cracking a new one open and starting to write in it, I pimp it out with pictures, photos, and images that I find and have saved on my computer and then seal them all over the notebook using packing tape to give it that glossy sheen over the front and back.  So if you're reading this, and you ever see me out and about and happen to get a glance of a notebook matching that description, that's what that is.  And don't even ask to get near it:  I will kill you.  :-)

Anyway, time to get ready for the meeting.  Have a good Saturday faithful followers.

Stay tuned....

Friday!

It's Friday!  Not like that really means much to me as my schedule pretty much consists of me doing whatever the fuck I wanna do whenever the hell I wanna do it or feel like it.  Which is why I think establishing a routine schedule this past week or two has been so difficult.  I identified that meeting attendance, recovery, and surrounding myself with positive, other recovering people needed to be a priority.  But my meeting attendance has still been slacking because I, being the perfect example of what it says in the Basic Text "something in our self-destructive personalities cries for failure") always manage to find something else to do, some excuse not to go, or am just lazy and end up taking a nap instead and sleeping through meetings, waking up on time, or staying up way too late at night at which I have no business being up at 2 AM glued to my computer monitor working on shit for the business that, I will freely admit, I've become completely obsessed with.  I want to absorb as much knowledge as I can about getting it off the ground and what successful steps and methods to implement like...RIGHT AWAY.  I want all of it now and it leaves me up till 2 or 3 in the morning networking on LinkedIn, building and expanding my social circles on Google +, , updating profiles on different Social Media platforms, or making more To Do lists of shit I need/should do to continue to market myself and get the word out that Elite Assistant Services by Michael is open for business.
Wow....after just typing all that out and reading back where my priorities are....I will freely admit that I've got shit twisted and fucked up.  My recovery is not in the number one spot and I've become obsessed with building this business and am putting other things first ahead of me building and maintaining a stable life.  Time to reassess some things.

Stay tuned.....

TRIVINO, MICHAEL. Case # 105371760A,

So about a month ago, while I was dating this guy for like 3 weeks (just long enough for me to figure out he was a manipulative asshole), we went out one night to Walmart and I asked if I could drive just for kicks since I hadn't driven in forever (due to my license being revoked).  He said sure, we pull out, leave, and are literally driving down Lake Mead for the 45 seconds it takes to get from my place to the grocery store when BAM....flashing lights behind us.
Long story short, I got fucking lucky that night because they didn't arrest me, but I did get a traffic citation.  The original court date for this to be handled was on Monday.  However, I went down to the Regional Justice Center on Monday and at the traffic citation help window the teller looked up my case and informed me that due to the nature of the offense (driving on a revoked license), it requires a mandatory hearing before a judge.  So I'm kind of freaking out right now and getting more nervous by the second because I just have this image in my head that they're gonna arrest me on the spot for something or if I'm not able to pay the full fine fee right on the spot.  The last 2 times I went to jail I was on G or high and just wanted to lay down so I didn't really give a shit where I was.  If I go to jail while in recovery....something is VERY wrong with this whole picture.
Other than that, stuff has continued to be quiet in all other areas, social life included.  Now that I've figured out that I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by or associating with people I can't trust, it's been very quiet around here.  Calm, peaceful....but at the same time boring.  On the plus side, it's giving me ample time to spend hour after hour in front of my computer screens piecing together this new business and what I'm trying to build.  I still have no fucking clue what the "right" way to do this is, so I'm just learning as I go.  That's how I learn best anyways....hands on kinda thing.

Anyway, got a bunch of shit to do before it's time to leave for court.

Stay tuned.....

The Beginning of my "Work Week"

So today is Wednesday, which means it's the beginning of my work week.  M______ (the owner of Morgan Specialties) and I agreed that my days to come in and volunteer would be Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.  So I just wanted to check in here real quick before I eat a quick breakfast, down another cup of coffee, get in the shower, get dressed, and jet.
I'm slowly but surely being consumed by everything pertaining to the business getting off the ground.  I find myself constantly looking for ways to either A-enhance the size of the population who will see advertising for it thereby bringing me clients or B- anything that has to do with what appears to be result producing, cost-effective, lucrative methods of marketing and advertising.  Just now I signed up on YP.com so hopefully that'll gain some attention.  And of course I'm going to spend some time later tonight going down the check list of things I already know I need to do that'll increase my target audience and also increase the likelihood that they'll be reached and results will come about.  I'm slowly becoming completely obsessed with it and helping it grow.  Maybe that's a sign I'm going to make a great business owner?  Or maybe that's just reaffirmation that I'm an addict and I'm obsessed with yet some new fad lol.

Stay tuned.

Smooth Sailing

Day 2 of smooth sailing so far.  Granted I just woke up about an hour ago so nothing momentous has had the opportunity to rock my day yet,but I'm anticipated another good day of attending meetings, talking to my friends,and quiet time at home, and not having to participate in any bull shit drama.  It feels like I've finally, successfully, cracked the formula to having peace, calm, and serenity in my life, and that is to completely remove the elements that oppose that from my life.  Even if that means I'm alone 98% of the time, I'll take that over getting stabbed in the back, manipulated, lied to, stolen from, used, or otherwise abused in some fashion by somebody that I thought I could trust, then having them turn out to be another trash box generated by this dumpster of a city.

In other news, now that things have quieted down in my life, I am able to focus and turn my attention toward things that I was, previously, ignoring or just didn't have time to get to because of the distraction other crises were creating.  For instance:  my meeting attendance has gone back up, and I am back to making at least one a day, usually 2.  Which, I've discovered, is paramount to my sanity because it keeps me connected to people, gives me a chance to be social and talk to others in recovery, and forces me to have interactions with voices and people outside the multiple evil ones in my head that are constantly telling me I'm worthless and not good enough for anything or anybody and that I should kill myself (yes, my negative self-talk really is that bad).  Another example is my business project.  Since removing negative distractions and ill-meaning people, my attention and time has been freed up and I've been able to clock more time into getting my baby off the ground and working slowly more and more towards what it'll take to get this thing off the ground and in the air and generating a profit.  I still have a long way to go, but the ball is rolling and the gears in my head are turning and I know what steps I have to take, one foot in front of the other, to get to where I wanna be next in order to make this successful.

Speaking of the business, it's time I worked on that for a little while.  Until next time faithful followers.

Stay tuned.

Shhhhh.....do you hear that?

Oh my gosh....do you hear that?  Is that.....quiet?  Calm?  Peace?  Lack of chaos?  Order?  No drama?  I don't want to jinx it, but I think it just might be.  God, again, did for my what I couldn't do myself over the past couple of days and removed a few more people out of my life and me out of their social circle, which only serves as a benefit to me because these people were trouble or trouble waiting to happen and the kind that would drag you down with them when they flushed down the toilet.  So that's 3 down and removed total.  I wonder who's next?  All I know is the one's that are left standing after others being picked off are the ones that I need to direct my attention to and that are my real friends and they are the ones I need to be investing in.  Not those other losers.
Meanwhile, I got a job!  Sort of.  For the last several months I've had many different people from many different places all tell me the exact same thing "get involved in volunteer work.  You'd love it.  It'll give you something to do.  You'll feel better about yourself.  Blah blah blah."  And then there's me with my huge ego replying with "oh no if I'm investing my time and my energy and my work skills into some place I feel I need to be compensated for it."  #bitch
So, I've been emailing back and forth with a friend that my mom and I know who happens to own two very successful businesses,  We got on the topic of me volunteering and she said she'd love to have me.  So I started last week.  It's only 3 days a week, Wed, Thurs. and Friday from 10am to 4pm (or whenever I feel like leaving).  And she also said after a while of this and seeing what kind of contribution I'm giving to the operations of her business, if she realizes that I'm a direct asset, she'll just hire me outright and start paying me.  So that's cool.
Finally, I had court today down at the Regional Justice Center for a traffic citation I received when getting pulled over while driving this asshole's car (that I only ended up dating for like
 or 4 weeks, thank God).  The official charge was "driving on a revoked license."  I show up to the Justice Center expecting a long wait until my name comes up on the docket, but instead am directed to a huge lobby that was very DMV-esque with the numbered booths and the "take a number" system.  My number gets called, and then the oh-so-NOT pleasant employee behind the desk informs me that due to the nature of the charge, driving on a revoked license, it requires a mandatory court hearing.  So I now have an official court date to appear before a judge this Thursday at 2pm and I'm nervous AF.  Like I have this image in my head of them taking me into custody right there on the spot and me going to jail NOT HIGH.  The last 2 times I went to jail I was high, so I didn't really care where I was I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep even if it was on the dirty floor of the holding/processing tank at City Jail.  If I go to jail Thursday in recovery and in a nice ouitfit and tie....this bitch will not be happy.

My Bed

So we've reached a milestone....I slept in my bed for the first time last night in almost 3 weeks.  That may not sound like a big deal, but for those of you who know about my neurosis and anxiety issues, we've discussed why I've been choosing to sleep on the couch ever since K_____ took her not so graceful exit from being my roommate.  Last night however, I grabbed my favorite blanket, turned the lights off, and laid down in bed thinking "lemme just try it."  And I guess my body was ready for a regular bed again because I was out within seconds and slept almost 12 hours.  So no more sleeping on the couch for me.
Other than that, the last 2 days were a total roller coaster thanks to an unexpected introduction to a new person I didn't plan on meeting.  This person is pretty much amazing and, of course, they don't live in Las Vegas (because let's be honest, the cool ones never do.  This city breeds nothing but shade and trash).  I had the best time in this person's company, and when we parted I was kind of caught off guard with how difficult it was to say good bye, but thanks to the training this city has given me, I was able to switch off any and all emotions I was having, dust myself off, get up, and walk away and start pushing through the crowd as I made my way out and off the Strip and back toward home.  I doubt I'll ever see or hear from this person again, but I thank God and the Universe for showing me there are still awesome people out there somewhere that show up every once in a while.....

They just don't live in Las Vegas.

Anyway, today is back to business as usual.  About to get dressed and meet up with the parental unit, go to Best Buy to buy some replacement iPhone earbuds (because somebody stole mine over the weekend) and possibly a new lightning cable because mine is iffy on when it decides it wants to work.  Then possibly Urgent Care (because I think my Cellulitis is back in my arm), then a meeting later tonight at 6.  Happy Saturday *eye roll*

Without fail...even if it kills me

So Sunday night, right before I went to bed, I took a quick glance at my calendar/planner that I had mapped out the week in and reviewed what I had committed to for the week.  And the theme that stuck out became immediately apparent:  meetings every single day of the week, multiple meetings on most days.  Because last week there was a severe, critical shortage of meetings, so much so that I was absolutely crazy for the majority of the week; stuck in my own head, acting out in all sorts of different, sick ways, and not handling situations with as much grace and dignity that I know I'm capable of, but, instead, losing my shit and causing yet more wreckage around me.  So getting to the point, today, Tuesday, I had mapped and planned out as to having it go a certain why at certain times and for me to be at certain places at such and such time for this duration etc etc.  Okay well we've all heard the expression "when we make plans, God laughs."  Today was nothing but a testament to that statement.
The doctor's appointment that I thought I would be in too long for me to make a meeting at 10:30 ended up ending with enough time for me to have made the meeting.
Then, if I wanted to go to the noon meeting, there wouldn't have been enough time between that meeting and the 2:30pm meeting for me to get from one spot to another since I take the bus, then would have to leave that meeting early to get to my dentist appointment I have scheduled at 4pm, which I was going to go to the 2:30 meeting and just leave a little early so I could get to the dentist on time, but I had leaving meetings early so since I'm an addict and it's "all or nothing" I decided to skip the 2:30 and am now just going to go straight to my dentist appointment and leave my place around 3:15, then when my dentist appointment is overt I'm going to my old Home Group meeting, "Blind Faith," which, I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about going to considering particular members that will be in attendance and that the last time I was there it was very evident that personalities had been placed higher up on the list of priorities above principles and that the meeting had turned into a fucking popularity contest like some high school bullshit.

But a meeting is a meeting, even if it's a shitty, catty, judgmental one, and I refuse to waiver from my commitment to myself to make at least one meeting a day every day this week.  My sanity depends on it.  Time to hop in the shower and get ready so I'm on time for the dentist.

Perfect Timing -- Evidence of my HP at work

So, for those of you that have been following my recent events or that know me better than just blog or Facebook posts, you know I experienced a sort of upheaval in my home life/living situation last week as the person who had committed to being my roommate decided to bail on me and promptly moved all of her shit out of the apartment that same day, paid what money she owed me, and peaced out.
In retrospect, my sponsor was absolutely right when he, in response to this development, said that this was actually a blessing and that it was an example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself; that she saw that I was all about recovery right now; about stability, responsibility, accountability, all those other spiritual principles that the program teaches us....she saw that and decided to high-tail it outa here because that didn't vibe with what she wanted to happen.  So while on the one hand my sponsor may be right about her taking her leave being a good thing, I didn't and don't feel like it was, because there was this moment, just after she left, when the apartment was quiet again....

all the movers had left.....her and her psycho brother were gone....whatever thugs she had rounded up to help motive shit were gone...and it was just me alone in the apartment, standing in the middle of the empty second bedroom and there I was listening to the silence.  And it was deafening.  And I thought "great....yet again, another person that couldn't stand or didn't want to be around you.  you don't get to have friends.  you don't deserve to have friends.  of course she left, why would she want to even live with you?  you're a worthless piece of shit.  you're destiny is to always be alone so get used to flying solo loser."
And that's where my mind has been stuck at since last Thursday.
Until tonight.

Recently, I had been emailing back and forth with a friend of mine who happens to own a pretty successful business out here in Las Vegas and we were tossing around the idea of me maybe showing up at one of her job sites and putting in some volunteer hours.  We fin ally scheduled and finalized a phone conference call for this evening and I gotta say, I'm pretty blown away by the power of one simple step in the right direction, for the sake of personal and spiritual growth, and in the spirit of open-mindedness.....what all of that can produce.  Not only did I sign up for and am now committed to volunteer work 3 days a week at her corporate office (which is a 5 minute bus ride from my apartment btw), but she said knowing my talent and level of skill that when it gets to the point where she sees that she and her business can't live without me she'll just hire me outright and start paying me as a full time employee.

God saw that I was dying inside from loneliness and isolation and depression....and sent this little package of goodness right down in front of me.  So grateful and excited to see where this goes.  My first day is this Thursday.

Stay tuned....

Forcing Myself

So after getting my ass chewed out by two of my closest friends in recovery that I respect very much and value their opinion more so than many other people, I made a decision today to follow their guidance and direction and feedback they gave me last night in regards to some unsavory behavior I've been taking part in over the past couple of weeks:  shoplifting and being incredibly promiscuous.  And my justification/rationalization/excuse for why it was all okay was "so what if I'm acting out in other areas of my disease; at least I didn't pick up."  Well my one friend, A_____ wasn't having any of that bullshit and quickly replied "that is no excuse.  You're getting high just off of your defects and acting out in them."  She continued on to chew me out (out of love of course) but it was still really uncomfortable because she pulled a lot of my covers that I've been hiding under to make my recent behavior acceptable in my mind.  But bottom line is:  it isn't acceptable and it's on through luck and the grace of my Higher Power that I haven't suffered any consequences (yet) as a result of my stupid actions and retarded behaviors).  Cuz really, let's be honest:  if I land up in jail again CLEAN, I would die and be mortified and ashamed beyond repair.  So the solution they said was to tell my sponsor about everything I had just told them about, which I haven't been telling him because I was afraid that he would "fire" me at the first sign of unsatisfactory behavior and that he was expecting perfection, not progress which resulted in me being kind of scared to be totally honest with him for weeks now.
But today, after processing what they said last night, especially what they said that if I'm not getting honest with my sponsor and opening myself up to be vulnerable to this one person who is signed up to help me fix, my thinking, and show me a new way to live, then I'm fucking wasting his time, I decided to come clean to T___ and called him and laid it all out for him.  And to  my surprise, I wasn't rejected like I was expecting to be.  In fact he said that that level of honesty was what I should be doing because I need to be telling him this stuff so he can learn to get to know me and how my disease works on me so he can help me.  If I'm not completely forthcoming from him; if I'm keeping secrets from him; if I'm sponsoring myself, then nothing will change and I'll be stuck in this same rut that I feel like I'm in right now indefinitely .  And I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Riding Solo

So, I can't go into all the details of the events that took place and the conversations / verbal scuffle that took place leading up to this, so I'll just fast forward to the main point:  K_____ packed up her shit and moved out on Thursday.  I'm alone in this apartment, again.  Don't get me wrong, I like having my alone time and having solitude and quiet and just me doin' mah thang.  But sometimes, especially being by myself in 2 bedroom apartment, I get really lonely and get a yearning for contact or interpersonal communication of any kind, and that's typically what results in me online in front of A4A or BBRT for hours, not so much looking for sex, but just some kind of company I guess.
T___, my sponsor, said this was a clear example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and that through His power, he removed her from my life and current living situation because she wasn't meant to be there and she had bad news written all over her.  And honestly, in retrospect, considering all the issues she had, where she was at mentally/psychologically, her lack of adherence to basic courtesies such as accountability or gratitude or respect, and her ties to her FUCKED up dysfunctional family which she showed no signs of wanting to break free from and build her own life, I can honestly say that her leaving was probably the best outcome of that whole situation that I could've hoped for.  T___ also said that, for now, I need to learn how to  be okay with just Michael, with being alone and having my alone time and being comfortable enough with myself and knowing  I also have my Higher Power at any moment's notice, that I don't need a roommate to validate my yearning for company or need to have someone to talk to.
The roughest part is just that her leaving triggered all my rejection and abandonment issues all over again, so that's what I'm struggling with the most now.  Like "yet another person rejected you AGAIN."  And then that ties into my "not good enough" thoughts and that brings us to where I am today:  restless, apathetic, obsessive, and depressed.  I'm going to a meeting tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital  6 o clock CANNOT come fast enough.

Fuckery

That word is how I can best describe what today was filed with:  absolute and total fuckery.  While I was lucky enough to have slipped into an opening spot in my doctor's schedule for my hospital stay follow up, the visit did not go as planned and all of my goals for what I wanted to walk out of there with were totally shot down topped off with an explanation of "go get a PCP (primary care physician) " which royally pissed me off.
The rest of the afternoon was uneventful...until the 2:30 meeting I went to.  All was going well (it turned out to be a birthday meeting so there were more people in attendance than usual for a Wednesday afternoon).  But, us being addicts and sometimes fucking up, personalities came before principles and shit got loud and tense for a second.  But I let it go, shrugged it off instead of destroying the old piece of shit like I wanted to, and let the moment go.
Fast forward a couple hours and here's the thing that really got my blood boiling and has had me pissed off all night:  I got into a little verbal scuffle with my new roommate.  I've been re-reading back through the conversation; reading what she said/how she worded her responses, reading what I said it and how I was wording stuff, and I realized a couple things.  One:  we were both holding back what we REALLY wanted to say and were acting extremely diplomatic out of respect and regard for one another, because underneath the nicities and politeness, I could tell each of us wanted to reach through the phone and bitch slap the other and call the other a cunt and tell the other to STFU.    Two:  we both have the same "fighting styles."  As I read through the conversation and saw the hostility, volatility, and intensity of our responses escalating, I could sense that each of us was starting to reach that point where we go into "destroy mode" and we demolish our target.  That being the case, I need to always from this point on keep this in mind because if left unheeded and unregarded, another verbal altercation in the future, if left completely unchecked and un-monitored, could blow up into World War 3 with a huge fall out and epic damage dealt to both sides.  Because K_____ is just like me:  in it to win it.  
This whole thing has just been me bitching ab.ck.  I'll be fine, but definitely learned some things today.  At the end of it all, I'm grateful I get to go to sleep soon and have it be over and hit the "reset" button and start all over again tomrrow.

Overload

The title I gave to this entry made me chuckle because NO it is not in any way related to the movie from Treasure Island Media (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, Google it and thank me later).
So quick update since my last post.  Even though it's only been a few days, I've kept constantly busy with setting things in motion and finding out more and more knowledge of what getting a legitimate small business off the ground takes and how I'm going to successfully market myself and generate clients and revenue.  Plus, there's all the behind the scenes stuff I didn't know about, such as company name licensing, whether or not to choose an LLC or DBA, etc.  Another question to tackle is who my target audience is going to be of who I want to advertise to. and I'm thinking that the answer to that is going to be mainly those who will have administrative or executive level assignments to offer me as that is what I'm most skilled at and can really display my full potential at and have them think of me in the future when they need assistance again on the job.
Another question to consider is method of marketing:  do I want to send out a bunch of brochures or flyers via regular mail to a target audience of people whose addresses I've acquired?  Or do I want to, potentially, reach an even larger scale of recipients and send out an email blast to just about everyone I have an email listed in my contacts to.  In a nutshell, there's tons of decisions to make and things to decide on to keep moving forward in laying the foundation to building this structure up to the point where money starts coming in.  But, I am the one, lone, solo employee so everything falls back on me to make the judgment calls.  And one thing I've also learned so far with some of the tools at my disposal that K_____ shared with me when we were talking about starting that social media marketing company, is this:  make decisions swiftly, with confidence,m and quickly.  When faced with a decision making time scenario, make your decision and stick with it and move forward.  So that's what I've been trying to do.  So keep your fingers crossed guys, the success (or failure) of this venture literally rests entirely on my shoulders.
In other news, I'm not sure if I commented on this in any previous entries, but I recently switched sponsors and got a new one.  After having stuck with C___ for a long time, I realized that he just didn't have what I needed in a sponsor any more and that the opportunity was present (and being utilized for me to lie, manipulate, scheme, and steam roll right over him and tell him and have him believe exactly what I thought he wanted to hear.  And that is a dangerous place for me to be, because if I sense that in a person, there is NO question:  I can and will exploit that and end up lying, manipulating, or taking advantage of you in some form or fashion (yes, deep down I am that much of a self-centered scum bag).  So after a month of trying to rationalize why I should stick with him, then another month of just procrastinating because I didn't know who else to ask to replace him, I finally had the "break up" talk with him and, despite being super nervous, it went really good and we parted with love and amicably.
Now the NEW sponsor...Mr. T___ C.  This mother fucker don't play.  I knew him from when I lived at the LVRC recovery house when he was just the house manager, and I remembered that he was the one that was always pushing me to do better, accomplish or achieve more, to push myself outside of comfort zone and reach for that goal that we all in program are constantly trying to attain:  CHANGE AND GROWTH.  T___ was always that guy pushing me and, most importantly, always the one that said that one thing it took to piss me the fuck off.  Not because he was a dick, but because whatever he had just commented on or said to me....he was right about, and he wasn't afraid to pull my covers and tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.  So at that point, my desired new sponsor choice was pretty clear and I was lucky enough to have him accept the challenge of tackling my brand of crazy.
Anyway, that's about it regarding significant happenings in my life.  Gonna have to start remembering to update 2 blogs instead of just this one soon since my company is going to be set up on Blogger.com as well.

Stay tuned bitches.

Birth

Okay....yes.  I'm doing it.  I've set things in motion and am getting the ball rolling.  I can't believe I'd ever be saying this but....I'm starting my own business.  There's tons of stuff and ground to cover just to lay the foundation of getting your own small business up and running; tons of stuff I didn't even know about regarding legalities and legal issues and paperwork that needs to be signed off on and what not to make you official, but honestly, it's working out just as the Universe knows best because I am a very hands on person and I learn as I go and learn as I do things.  So each step that's uncovered (and consequently the step that I need to take after that) reveals new things to me about this whole process and I'm getting educated as I go through the experience. 
I really hope this takes off.  The more work I put into this the more passionate about this being successful I'm becoming. 

Stay tuned everyone.

Overflow

So in my attempt to come up with solutions to keep myself busy, I've slowly but surely become more and more open-minded toward any potential panacea for that listless feeling I was used to having all the time when I was just sitting around my apartment with nothing to do, no where I needed to be, nobody to talk to, and nothing to focus on.  Now, through the principles I've done my best to practice daily from the Program, as well as trying to remain as open-minded as possible to any and all solutions that may present themselves instead of shooting something down before I even give it a try, I've come up with so many damn things to do that I've, inadvertently...well...given myself too much homework.
Between my daily routine maintenance stuff (like self-care actions and behaviors, daily meeting attendance, staying closely connected with my new sponsor T___ , I've typically got full days as it is with stuff to keep be occupied (especially when you factor in the god forsaken travel times it takes when you're taking the bus.  Goddamn that stupid thing and it always being late)

But within the last couple of weeks, mainly this past week, I've gotten really motivated and developed more initiative to find and start more projects and more things for me to be working on that not only are serving the function of A - keeping me busy, but everything that I've started within the last couple of weeks are all concerning areas of my life that have to do with self-improvement, making amends for damage I've done in the past (both to myself and others), taking responsibility for unacceptable behavior I used to participate in the past, and, over all, just me becoming a better version of myself and tending to all areas of my life so that I can be the best me I can be.
All that is fine and good and all.

But I think I got a little over-zealous because I have so much shit to do now that I've started that I feel like I'm back-logged on homework in college again and I have to hurry up to catch up.  Fortunately, that is not the case, and the rule from NA applies to this current area of my life also:  "progress,.not perfection."

So today, task by task, item by item, I'm going to trudge through all the work I've scrounged up for myself and work through it toward my goal of bettering myself.  I guess today is an adulting day lol.

PS,

Happy Friday everyone.

Landslide

Tonight has been, internally, intense.  I ended up having a quiet night at home in my PJ shorts and comfy clothes early and spent time with the roomie which illicited some very intense, deep psychological-in-nature conversation about some issues and roadblocks each of us have right now that are standing in the way between us and further emotional and spiritual and psychological growth and self-awareness.  And me,being the good little codependent I am, immediately hopped up and switched into "Mr Fix It Mode" because part of what's wrong with me is that I get validation off of helping you fix your problems, so I get to ignore myself and what's wrong with me.  Thus, I embarked on what I've been doing for the last few hours, which is working on projects and solutions that will benefit K_____ as well as myself in goals we each have individually and in a shared sense.

But now that I've crossed over into "solution" mode, I can't turn it off, and I have a million different ideas and solutions and things I know I need to and can do to provide remedies and solutions to situations or roadblocks....I just can't execute them all at the same time, or right now for that matter at 2:39 in the morning.  So I'm having to settle for taking extensive notes and writing everything down in battle/strategy plan format for now, and just keep in mind that tomorrow is another day filled with a whole new opportunity to make the most out of your day and tackle as much as you can and are willing, or let countless opportunities pass you by if you don't take the reins, take control, and be the writer of your own goddamn story, instead of just sitting in a pool of laziness and apathy and procrastination and watching shit come and go and wonder where the hell you were during all of it.

3rd Week in a Row

So I've created somewhat of a dilemma all of my own making.  You see, about a month ago, I decided to make a particular meeting my "home group" meeting.  It was the Sunday Morning Meeting, Sundays at 9:30 AM.  It's an excellent meeting with LOTS of recovery and plenty of people with tons of clean time there (most in double digits).  It also just so happens to be the home group of my now sponsor.  Well making the decision to join that group was all fine and good, but now there's just one slight problem that has presented itself.

I haven't shown up or attended that meeting for over 3 weeks since joining.

I was supposed to go today and meet up with T___ (my sponor) but I slept right through my alarm and on through the morning until;it was time for my mom to pick me up to take me grocery shopping and for us to have lunch.  I've tried calling my sponsor just to check in but he didn't answer when I called, but I already know I'm going to get an earful and that I'm going to hear something along the lines of I'm not making a big or substantial enough of an effort to chase my recovery or that I'm doing a piss poor job in recovery or some bullshit like that.

Oh well.  I chose this guy because he always has told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and 9 times out of 10 always said something that struck a nerve and pissed me off.  So this will just probably end up being one of those times when I'm reminded why I picked him in the first place.

Oh, and ps, there is not one fuck given that it is Super Bowl Sunday.  I'm probably going to take a nap here shortly and kick off was 20 minutes ago.  #sportsfail

Fucked up Day right from the start

So here I was going about my morning thinking I was on time for everything, that everything was going smoothly and that I had plenty of time to get my day started.  I leave the apartment on time (or so I thought), get on the bus, am heading to my destination (3M Club for a meeting) when I call my sponsor and have a little chat with him.  We go over a few things then I tell him I'm going to the men's stag meeting at 3M Club.  To which he replies "you know you're late right?"  And I was like "huh?  It starts in 5 minutes."  To which he then pointed out that I was absolutely mistaken, that Saturday's meeting starts at 10 AM, not 10:30 like I thought and that I was already a half hour late.
Basically I began my day with being late, and stuff has gotten more fucked up since.
Most recently and significantly, D_____ asked me to do something for him just now and I attempted to, but failed at it miserably and now I'm pretty sure he's mad at me and is just containing his rage and suppressing the urge he has to punch me in the face.  So today's not going so well at all.  =\

2/6/2016 - Saturday

Despite last night being a Friday night and the start of the weekend, I'm pretty impressed with myself that I went to bed at a pseudo-reasonable hour woke up when I did this morning because for the past couple of weeks I've slept in past 10 or 11 in the morning.  But now that I'm up on time, I'm going to be able to make it to the men's stag meeting at 3M Club at 10:30 so I've gotta make this a quick check in before I get ready and bounce.
Had a great night with K_____ last night.  We had a girls' night out doing some shopping, going out to dinner, then came back to the apartment and I stepped up my "man" game and helped assemble her bed.  I used tools and everything!  I felt so butch.  After that, I farted around on my lap top for a while and worked on a couple projects and then decided to call it quits and went to join D______ in bed and went to sleep, where he is still snoozing away.  I'm conflicted on what to do about this situation.  I definitely have feelings for the kid, but am unsure of if he's right for me due to the gap in certain areas of our lives, such as structure, discipline, level of responsibilities just to name a few.  I'm still operating on a "one day at a time" basis with the whole situation and am just taking each moment as it comes and dealing with it as it happens.  Because if I don't and start analyzing it too much, I'm going to over think the whole fucking thing to death and manifest some self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and doom that'll be entirely my fault and won't even allow him and I to have a fair shot at making this work.  So basically I'm trying to my best to step back and let things happen as they are going to happen and not finger fuck the situation to death with my obsessive thoughts or my own self-will.  Whenever I've adopted that attitude, it usually works out for the best and keeps me from going completely insane within my own head.

Anyway, that's it for now.  Gotta get dressed and head out.  Stay tuned folks.

Staying in the present and enjoying what is

So after some advice from a friend about current circumstances with somebody in my life, as well as talking about it with K_____ I've adopted a new thought approach to the current situation and arrangement between D_____ and I.  I'm not placing any expectations on the relationship or on what should happen or what I think is going to happen.  I'm just going to transition into recovery mode and take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, and enjoy what IS right now, and if it works out:  great.  If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be and I can still break things off amicably and maturely without something blowing up in a nuclear explosion with tons of drama and heart ache.  I'm just basically going to enjoy the ride while it lasts, and if/when it comes to a stop, that just means it wasn't in God and the Universe's plan for us to remain together on that level and that we're destined for separate paths.  And just even switching into that mindset has alleviated tons of stress and anxiety because I'm no longer stressing or obsessing over stupid, mundane things or things I have no control over.  I caught myself falling into my old, obsessive, codependent behaviors lately and it was masking me crazy and in the end I realized it was all over stuff I couldn't control but was trying to control or influence or bend to my whim.  And my whims are all unrealistic, selfish, self-centered, and self-destructive, as we all know this being true to all addicts.  Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of valid points I could list off about him and his behavior that are valid points that I think anybody might/would most likely be irritated with.  But he is just being himself and going about living each day how he normally would, so I'm not going to fault him on him just being himself.  I needed to just inject myself with bigger doses of tolerance and patience and empathy instead of being so impatient, insensitive, and judgmental.

Anyway, time to jet, going to a 2:30 meeting to get some recovery in for the day.  More later.
Stay tuned folks.

Portents of things to come

So my new relationship with D____ was going better over the last few days (I thought so at least) after having examined some of my behaviors in how I was treating him after getting a chance to put myself in his shoes and imagine what it would feel like in his place moving into a new home and jumping into a relationship as quickly as we did.
I will give full credit of my increase in patience and tolerance and understanding to my effort at increased meeting attendance, because when I've been able to share about what's been going on and hear myself articulate out loud to the group how I'm feeling or what my problem is, it is, inadvertently, igniting a process of processing through all my feelings and emotions and thoughts that I'm bitching about regarding that particular problem, and by the end of my share, I feel like just in sharing I found the solution because I was able to get it out vocally, look at it in the face, and choose another tactic instead of the self-defeating one my head will try and convince me to take.
Anyway, like I said things had been going pretty good.  However, last night, long story short, I got some feedback about D_____ from a trusted source who shall remain anonymous that made me very wary of D_____'s intentions, as my friend and confidante informed me that, to him, D_____ seemed like the person who would take advantage of someone and a particular situation if it benefited him, but as soon as something better would come along, he'd jump ship and go join that band wagon and leave the rest of us in the dust.
Then, to add to the drama going on in my head because of this little truth-telling session, more sparks ignite as I am getting undressed in my bedroom and realize I can't find my phone.  And thus begun a nearly 3 hour search of trying to find my iPhone in my room to no avail.  Finally, after several hours of just being in pure panic mode, I messaged my friend to see if I had possibly left my phone in the back of his car and, to my absolute joy, he found it.  Anyway the point of this is, when this friend came back to my apartment to bring my phone back to me, he divulged some more tidbits of wisdom and experience regarding my current predicament and how he suggested I should carry myself and treat the current situation.  After hearing his argument, I can firmly agree and enthusiastically admit that I was absolutely WRONG to invite someone to come live in my home and then be my new partner all within the course of a week.  I mean I know I got mad swag and I move quick but goddamn.  So basically, I'm learning a lot of new stuff about this person that I don't particularly mesh with and am starting to come to the conclusion that we might not be right for each other as, even my closest friend/other roommate told me this this morning, he and I are absolutely NOTHING alike and we operate out of two completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
So I don't know what's going to happen.  I'm just going to take it a day at a time and a development at a time and see what unfolds between the two of us and go where life dictates this relationship should go.

Recognizing when I need to apologize and say I'm sorry

So I had a bit of a revelation last night regarding some speed bumps D_____ and I have hit recently revolving around me getting irritated with his habits and household conduct.  While yes it is my apartment and my turf and my name on the lease and therefore my rules should be followed, at the same time I recognized I need to loosen up a bit on my expectations of him and cut him some slack because I was failing to recognize how hard this all must be for him.  Between moving from one home to the next in such a short period of time and then to me telling him he needed to start throwing more stuff away because we didn't have space for it in the apartment, I can imagine he must be feeling pretty overwhelmed and a little crazy from the twists and turns life has been throwing at him.
So when I got home earlier tonight I made it a point to take him aside and apologize for the way I've been treating him and I hope that I conveyed the sense of empathy and compassion for him during this time.

3 Sides to Every Story

So as each day passes, I'm learning more and more about certain new players in my life.  Specifically, D_____.  I just spoke with someone on the phone regarding him and got a totally different version of events considering something that happened recently regarding which D_____ told me something completely different than what this other person told me.  It's nothing earth shattering, but it does concern me that D_____ has potentially lied to me already about something.  I guess I have to wait and see how this plays out.  Sometimes the best action to take is none at all.  Because if I get wrapped up in my disease and in obsession right now with this I'll completely go over the deep end and fall into obsessive behaviors and totally fuck shit up.  So gotta sit on my hands on this one and see what happens.

End of the Month

This month has been a fucking roller coaster.  But as today is the last day of the month of the new year, I'm looking back in a little retrospective review of the past 31 days and am, surprisingly, not too disappointed with the choices I've made this month and the over all state / climate of my life right now as a result of how I've behaved and the choices I've made this month.
To update on a few key points of interest, all went well with the transfer from the one housing assistance program to the new one and my assistance I'll be receiving has been extended for another year.  Not only that, but the price I'll be in charge of picking up after the rental assistance program picks up the tab is DRASTICALLY cheaper than what I was paying before.  So the potential I now have to both save more money into savings funds and to have at my disposal for recreational activities (mainly shopping, I haven't had a good Target shopping trip in forever) is now exponentially larger.
Secondly, the number of members in my household has increased from the lone tenant (me) to me, my best friend/road dawg K_____ and my new "boo thang" D_____.  It was originally just going to be me and K_____.  But this week I met D_____ and we instantly clicked and not only that, but he was in need of a place to stay that wasn't as toxic and unhealthy and uncomfortable as the place he was, at the time, living in.  So yeah I know things moved along pretty quickly with that whole situation.  But I'm overlooking that because for the first time in a very long time, I feel actually pretty damn happy with the current state of things.  My apartment doesn't feel like some lonely isolation cell anymore.  It now feels like a home and I am so excited to have my present company as my company because the energy and happiness and good vibes that each of them generates and brings to my life makes me so thankful and happy and grateful for each of them having shown up in my life and being a par of it.
Finally, after a month of trying my absolute hardest to stick to my budget and to not behave irresponsibly financially and to make mature decisions in how I chose to spend/save my money, I am happy to report that for the first time in over a year, at the end of this month I officially have a surplus and have money left over instead of being in the deficit and being in the red. I actually have money left over here at the end of the month and am carrying that over into my finances for next month.  The surplus isn't much, but it's enough to make me happy and proud of myself that I did something right for a chance.

and one became three

So in the course of one week, the number of members in my household has increased from one (me) to now three (K______, and D_____, the last of which is now my boyfriend).  While considering my past feelings of loneliness and isolation I've expressed at having to live every waking moment by myself and being plagued by constant feelings of isolation destitution, you'd think that I would be practically exploding at the seams with excitement at having roommates.  And at first I was.
Until today, when it settled in that I am now sharing my personal space with 2 other people.  And that's when the reality of it hit me.
I',m not irritated or annoyed at all.  It just isn't what I was expecting and I am being reminded of what it's like to not live by yourself and what it means to share again and what it means to be considerate again.  The days of my 3 AM naked trips to the kitchen for peanut butter and milk are over.  Now I have to put underwear or shorts one because I doubt unsuspecting victims want to see me naked (well one of them might lol)
I guess what I need to remember are boundaries.  What's mine, what's theirs, what to share, what isn't appropriate to share, but to always be conscientious because I don't want to be a shitty roommate and be the driving force that pushes anybody away.

The return of......

UNMANAGEABILITY!!!!!!

yes, that's right folks.  Once again, because I tried to run the show again with what I thought was more important than this, that, or the other, I've been slipping in certain areas of my life that, normally, I'd be on top of no problem.  But lately, take yesterday for example, I've become sloppy and am making mistakes that only basic bitches make that reflects a lack of maturity, responsibility, and accountability.  Yesterday I had an appointment at 4:15pm with my psychiatrist for my monthly follow up, just to check on me, see how I'm doing, and write new refills on my prescriptions that I need that keep me from going absolutely fucking bat shit crazy.  I got home from the meeting I went to yesterday morning at around noon and decided "hey, I have a few hours before I have to leave for this appointment, let's lay down and take a nap."  So I laid down...and took my nap.

For 5 fucking hours..  I didn't wake up until 5 oclock and immediately realized I fucked up.
I've been beating myself up all night last night and again this morning for making such a stupid mistake and for letting other things step into the foreground of order of importance, shifting recovery and meeting attendance and all that's associated with that to the background, which, ultimately I know is the culprit in this current sequence of events.  So it's no mystery to me why I'm missing appointments or not meeting the call of responsibilities:  my priorities have been jumbled up and it's now my job to reshuffle them and get back on track.  I have nobody to blame but myself and nobody can fix this for me but myself.
Luckily, I called my psychiatrist's office this morning and explained the situation to them and they had a cancellation today at 2:45pm so I took that option and am going to be able to make up my appointment today.
As for the job situation update, only bad news to report.  I was supposed to have my second and final interview with InvestPro Realty yesterday with the owner who I would've been directly reporting to had I been offered a position.  However, knowing what some of the tasks and duties of someone in that position entailed, I emailed the individual I previously interviewed with that was in charge of hiring new candidates and informed her that while I was able to get to and from work on time without any problems, I did, unfortunately, not own a car and that I relied on the bus for my transportation.  I got an email back promptly a short few minutes later informing me that, unfortunately for me, the position would require an individual with reliable transportation to be able to complete some of the tasks and duties assigned to them by Kenny (the owner).  She then thanked me for informing her of this ahead of time and saving all of us the time out of our day to meet for another interview only to find out I wasn't qualified to meet the job duties, and that was that.
Needless to say, I wasn't, and am still not, very happy.  I fucking need a job to make money and save that money to buy a car.  But with every place that's taken interest in me I need a car to get to that job.  So it's all fucking cyclical and stupid and ass backwards and I hate it and I'm frustrated and I just want to punch somebody in the fucking throat.
I think maybe I'm going to shift the focus and attention that I've been spending on getting my resume out there and applying for jobs for the job that isn't coming to both A - recovery and B - starting the business with K_____.  At least with effort and time and energy into those 2 avenues, I'll get results and a pay off of some sort.

#frustrated #annoyed #fuckingsickofthisshit #goddammitiwishicouldgethigh #godswillnotmine

Doctor Appointment and CVS

So today I had my routine check up appointment with my doctor at the Wellness Center to review the results of my blood draw from about a month or so ago.  And I must've been fighting something off or in the midst of a cold or something that I wasn't necessarily showing symptoms before, but had an effect on my immune system nonetheless because the day of my blood draw I called it.  I said to my mom "watch, my cd4 count is going to be lower than last time."  And sure enough, my cd4 count dropped from the 800 range to 796 this time around.  My viral load is still undetectable though (less than 20) so thankfully that hasn't changed.  Something else embarrassing did pop up though.  They did a full STD screening last time at my blood draw and I won't go into specifics, but apparently being a naughty boy caught up with me because I came back testing positive for something (I won't say for what).  I ended up getting a huge shot of antibiotics in my ass and it hurt like hell and I left the Wellness Center limping out of there making it clearly obvious to anyone who has had that done before know that "hey, he just got a shot in his ass! lol."
Other than that, the next exciting part of my day was having to go to CVS to pick up some prescriptions I needed.  I recently just had to transfer my entire prescription medication profile over to CVS from Walgreen's because (and I'm not proud of this) I got caught stealing at Walgreen's they put a note in my file that I'm now unable to pick up any medications from any Walgreen's anywhere.  So acting a fool and thinking I'm immune from consequences and still acting out in my addiction proves it does not do anything but bring consequences and unmanageability to my life.  But I digress:  I went to CVS, tried to pick up 2 meds I needed, only to be told there was a total cost due of $4.80.  That's all fine and good because that's super cheap, however, I didn't even have that on me because my mom is the one who holds access to all my finances and funds per her title of "guardian" and me as the ward on the bank account we have set up.  So I left CVS empty handed and she has to bring me money in the morning so I can go back there tomorrow and pick up my medications.  Long story short:  today was annoying.  And on top of that, I didn't make it to a meeting today, so I'm feeling a little extra crazier than usual.  I'm planning on going to a meeting tomorrow morning at 10:30 though before my interview with the owner of InvestPro Realty so hopefully that'll be a panacea to my case of crazies.

#AlarmClcokFAIL

So I feel totally out of whack now that my Sunday has gotten off on a misstep and an out of the ordinary start.  My usual routine for Sunday is waking up around 8:00 - 8:15, doing my morning meditations, journal/blogging, having my coffee and breakfast, then getting dressed and heading out the door by 9:00 - 9:15 for my homegroup "Sunday Morning Meeting" at the 3M Club at 9:30.  Well, unfortunately for me, I guess in a sleep stupor I decide to shut my alarm off this morning and not even fully wake up to do it because I didn't wake up on time...at all.  I slept in until around 9:45 and my phone showed that the alarm clock had gone off, I just had deactivated it, which I blame on the Ambien because one of the side effects is doing stuff in your sleep that you don't remember (for me it's been eating lol).  So, because my lazy ass decided to shut my alarm off, I ended up missing my home group today and I feel totally off balance and kinda full of anxiety for some reason for having missed my routine weekly meeting that I am usually at without fail.  When you choose a meeting as your homegroup you are making the commitment to be there regularly and every week to let other members get to know you and so that there is a familiar face there every week should a newcomer start coming to that meeting.  And I fucking missed it this week and I hate missing commitments; it makes me feel like shit.
Luckily, my close friend A_____ is speaking at a meeting at 6:00 pm tonight at another meeting also at the 3M Club so I have the opportunity to hit a meeting today period, whereas if I had missed the 9:30 meeting, there usually isn't another meeting I like to go to on Sundays and I'd be shit outa luck and meetingless for today.
In other news, I need to have a fire lit under my ass as far as starting up the new business with K______.  She put me in charge of admin/admin duties on the company Facebook site and also set me up with a Google+ email and I have yet to log in and log some time into customizing either.  Granted, we don't have any clients yet to see the lack of effort I've been displaying, but in this case I'm thinking in the "if you advertise it/market it, they will come: philosophy.  Our first few clients are probably going to be through sheer word of mouth and individual independent contractors and people with super small businesses who are just looking to join the social media networking band wagon.  But that's fine.  A few clients to start off with and earn some income is better than no clients and having no traffic and earning no income.  So I need to get on board with this thing and quick, because I feel like K______ is already light years ahead of me in terms of knowing what it's gonna take to get things started and as far as business concepts and practices go....at some times I still stop and think that maybe I'm not the right person to be helping her or for this job.  And that's when I try to remind myself that that's my disease talking to me in my own voice trying to talk me out of success and keep me in negativity, mediocrity, and in my comfort zone and not branching out to try anything different or unfamiliar.  Which is usually followed by me telling myself to shut the fuck up and to just shut up and do it.  Which leads to even more confusion because then I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in hesitating as far as my capability to handle what is'going to require of me to get this thing started.

*sigh*/

It's rough being me lol

Acting Like a Goddamn Grown Up For Once

So earlier this week I mentioned in a previous blog post that there had been a serious lack of adulting going on and that I wasn't rising up to the standards I set for myself in taking care of certain responsibilities or tasks.  Well today is day 2 of living in the solution and behaving differently to correct that behavior.  2 nights in a row of going to bed at a reasonable hour, waking up at a reasonable hour, and thereby being able to meet commitments and continue to cross stuff off on my task list for the day without fail.  For a few days there I would end up with a to do list with half of it left undone because I spent the whole day fucking off.  But yesterday was super productive (mainly at the end of the day, I got a bunch of shit done right before I went to bed last night) and so far today is off to a great start as I woke up when I planned to, have already done my self-care routines for the morning, and am about to get dressed and head out for a 10 AM meeting at the 3M Club before going grocery/supply shopping at Walmart with mom.  The difference that "adulting" behavior has on my self-esteem is profound and always reminds me of something I heard a counselor, Derek, say back when I was in IOP at Las Vegas Recovery Center:  "esteemable acts leads to esteemable thinking."  So basically, if I just continue doing what I'm doing and acting like a damn grown up and meeting my responsibilities and holding myself accountable for getting shit done and taking care of myself, I'm going to, as a result, feel better about myself, which is a definite plus considering the fact that my normal frame of mind is self-defeating, self-loathing, hyper-critical, super self-conscious, and negative and cynical.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend.  Off to my meeting I go.

Where the fuck did this week go?

Seriously.  I feel like it was Monday, then I blinked, and now it's Friday.  And I didn't even really have that much going on this week.  Aside from doing research stuff for K_____'s and my business venture we're embarking on.  Which, btw, we sent an inquiry email to BusinessPlan.com for a consult/evaluation and we had a conference call with them earlier this week.  They sound like an excellent service that offers a pretty comprehensive package that covers all aspects of a successful business plan to successfully get a small business off the ground and running successfully.  Only problem is it costs $1200.  So K_____ and I need to figure out where we're gonna come up with that kind of cheddar because we certainly don't have it sitting in our lower intestines.
Even though it's the end of the week, today I'm finally tending to pretty much all my responsibilities and things I've been putting off this week and am about to leave to go take care of a bunch of shit that I should've been doing all week (going to meetings, going to AFAN to renew my bus pass supply, going to another meeting).  This week there was a serious lack of adulting and I can feel it, both in the consequences I'm feeling my life and in the way I feel about myself and my self-esteem, which isn't pretty high right now because I feel like a total loser and fuck up for not taking care of my shit like an adult.  That's not me.  I'm normally on top of stuff.  I guess I'm just kinda distracted with K_____ moving in and the prospect of me having company now and I no longer will be sitting in my apartment for hours, days on end by myself with nobody to talk to.
Oh and some other good news.  I went on an interview earlier this week for the position of Assistant Property Manager at InvestPro Realty and I felt great about how the interview went.  And sure enough, yesterday the woman I interviewed with emailed me and asked if I could come in for a 2nd and final interview with the owner at the end of which an offer will be made for a job depending on if he likes me and feels like I'd be a good fit for what he's looking for.  So I may be changing my "unemployed" status on all my social media sites here to "employed" very shortly.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  Only thing is I didn't disclose to them that I don't own a car and that I rely on the bus....And I have a bad feeling that once I do that, that might be a deal breaker for them because she mentioned sometimes they might need me to go out to properties to take pictures to enter into the MLS.  So I have to break the news to them at my 2nd interview and I'm scared that that'll rob me of this opportunity of getting back into the work force.  But honesty is the best policy so we'll see what happens.;

Time to jet.  Happy Friday everyone.

Lack of Adulting

So today I'm finally tending to some areas of my responsibilities and life that have gone completely ignored for the past week.  I dunno what came over me, but for the past week I've been completely fucking off my entire day(s) and K_____ and I have just been hanging out and being lazy.  While it's nice to have company and have her slowly easing into and transitioning moving in here, I couldn't help but notice that we enable each other to not be productive because we have so much fun hanging out and talking because we're on the same page when it comes to a lot of view points and opinions and outlooks as far as the world around us goes.  The end result, however, is I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my brain as each day goes on and it's getting more intense and louder with each passing day that I don't tend to certain things that I know need attention or the more I skip over some part of my daily routine that I, normally, wouldn't skip, but have skipped for a few consecutive days in a row.
Like my step work.  I didn't write on it yesterday or the day before and I can definitely feel the difference and I also feel guilty and disappointed in myself for not being disciplined enough to keep up that commitment to recovery where I'm writing on whatever step I'm on every day so that I'm continually doing something towards recovery and not stagnating.
My meeting attendance has slipped a little bit too, whereas I was going to 2 a day there for a bit, I'm now down to 1 a day or at least every other day, but I don't like that either because I feel like I'm compromising on my commitment to a 90 in 90.  And then that feeds into my fear of disappointing my sponsor and my mom and not getting their approval, which as all of you know that I suffer from severe codependency issues, is just about as one of the worst fates I could ask for.  The second I know I've stopped gaining the approval of somebody that matters to me, I freak out and look for ways to overcompensate or other ways to change how I'm feeling so that I don't have to sit with the disappointment in MYSELF that I've disappointed someone else.  It's all a really sick cycle that gets me trapped in my own head and thoughts, which as those of you who know me well, know that these thoughts that I can get trapped in are purely self-hating, self-defeating, and self-absorbed, and then I just get stuck in a dark place and it's a downhill ride from there.

So basically, today I'm making a catch up day and making sure that I provide the appropriate attention to time to each of my responsibilities that I've neglected over the past few days, whether that's sitting at my desk and writing on my step for an hour or just for 15 minutes, as long as I dedicate some time to it is what I'm after, and also making sure that everything that I write down on my list of tasks and items to do today on my to do list get taken care of, no excuses.  I need to hold myself and my actions accountable to myself because it's not anybody else's job to keep me in check and to behave like a responsible adult. That's my job to self-manage.  So I better step up to the plate and do a good fucking job, because nobody is going to save my ass if I let things fall apart like I did a few weeks ago when I ran my bank account into the ground.  Time to do some adulting.

Apprehension

So yesterday K_____ ended up having a really long, deep, heavy stuff talk about a variety of issues and much was revealed to me about where she's at right now iI'n her life as far as the head space she's in, what she's currently struggling with, and what her focus and sights seem to be set on as she finishes with this one particular phase in her life (the consequences of her recent prison sentence) and the transition into full freedom.  While she and I are on the same page on a lot of issues and hold many of the same beliefs and outlooks in regards to codes of moral conduct, addiction, acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and things we want to accomplish and goals we want to set for ourselves, what became very evident yesterday was that the means to which we are willing to go about achieving certain things or the manner in which we behave and our moral standards vary immensely.  So much so that it has me re-thinking if this is the right move to make by having her move in with me.  I may be overthinking it but her viewpoints and things she made known about herself that were part of her character yesterday caused me to switch into high alert mode for if this is a healthy decision that I'm making or not as it pertains to what MY goals are right now in life and in the things that I'm focused on and committed to in how I conduct myself.  I think I need to have some critical thinking time to reassess if this is a smart move or not, if the money we'd be able to save by moving in together is worth the risk of being exposed to behavior or activities and things that might prove detrimental to my recovery or my progress in life.  This is by no means an attempt at character assassination of my friend or an attempt to shine a negative light on her as she's still a great friend and I know has my back and I can definitely count on her when in a bind.  However, this is not to say that there are some things we may just hold completely different beliefs and standards about that simply might not mesh with each other in a cohabitation setting where I'm in a position where I have to rely on her to continually make the right decision and behave responsibly such as she would have to from me.  And while I know I can commit to doing the next right thing and sticking to being responsible and accountable for my behavior and making mature decisions, I can't assume that somebody else will be in the exact same head space as me and that they're able, ready, or willing to just hop up to where I'm at as well because I demand them to.  She's at where she's at and I have to practice acceptance and tolerance of that and withhold any judgment because her life has its own course.  The question is:  do I want to integrate our lives together so that I may be potentially at risk of consequences of her behavior and open myself up to risk by trusting someone to always strive to do the next right thing like I do?

I don't know what to do.  I guess the best answer for right now is to do nothing and just wait and see how this pans out.  Sometimes inaction is the best action.

Renewed Commitment

So I didn't get much sleep last night related to the current drama I have going on with my ratchet ass neighbors, but despite being exhausted, I still woke up on time (sort of) and made it to my homegroup meeting at 9:30.  So far for 3 days into the new year I'm doing pretty good at making sure I get to at least one meeting every day, two if I can.  I have to keep going every day and keep going and keep going because when I don't, I eventually start listening to the crazy bullshit my head tells me and my thinking starts to become distorted and self-destructive.  By showing up for just one hour a day, I get some relief and hope of not having to be a complete fuck up basketcase my whole life and also get the chance to get and stay connected with others in recovery that I can talk to who just get what this struggle can be like, the ups, downs, lows, highs (no pun intended), and other more intricate concepts like the gift of desperation, moments of clarity, self-care, the definition of insanity, and taking things one thing, minute, second, hour, day at a time.
So for today, I got my medicine and will hopefully be a little less crazy for the remainder of the day.  One can only hope though lol. =]

2016 Goals

So I read recently that a good practice to help yourself grow in a coming year is to write down your goals that you set for yourself for that year, with the hopes that by writing them down, you're affirming them in your mind and thereby directing your thoughts and efforts into achieving those goals, both consciously and subconsciously.  So, being yet anot:her person in search of continued self-improvement and inner growth, I went and did it.  Here's my top 10 goals for 2016, in no particular order or rank:

1.  Obtain over 90 days in recovery, then follow that up with obtaining over 6 months.
2.  Get past Step 6
3.  Find and keep a good job.
4.  Pay off my debt with ChexSystems and obtain my own bank account and establish financial independence.
5.  Rebuild savings funds, minimum of $500.00
6.  Start and build a successful business with K_____
7.  Establish more connections and friendships with men in the Program to counter balance my predominantly female amount of friendships.
8.  Lose weight, no specific amount, but just to be in the constant act of losing it.
9.  Save up $$$ and buy a car.
10.Continue to build my sense of being "good enough" and learn to have acceptance of myself, tolerance of others, and peace in coping with life on life's terms.

Now, the real question is, let's see if I can even remotely get close to accomplishing any of these.

Saturday? This Early?

I can't believe I woke up this early on a Saturday of my own accord.  All it took was not staying up late to watch Family Guy (which, seriously, is pointless because at this point I think I've seen just about every episode ever) and going to sleep at a reasonable hour, resulting in me waking up at a "normal" hour.  Which, to my benefit, has ensured that I'm now awake to be able to go to the 10:30 men's stag meeting at the 3M Club this morning which, I discovered, I really like a lot.  Something about not having any bitches in the room (and I say that in the most loving sense to all of my female friends out there) that frees you up to share stuff that only another guy could understand and relate to.  So that's my primary target meeting for the day.  I may, however, go to the 6 PM meeting as well later tonight at Mountain View Hospital just to keep my recovery fuel banks not just charged up, but in an excess state of being charged up.  I find that when I make more than one meeting a day, my entire outlook and coping mechanisms with what life throws at me every day is stronger and more resilient and has me walking around with an extra (this is going to sound outrageously gay) pep in my step.  So I think I may just make today a 2 meetings kinda day.  I also have a shit ton of stuff to work on at home, including step work, catching up on reading my overflowing stack of library books that I have to renew my check out dates for yet again (my bad), and also putting in some time on research and learning on the big top secret project K_____ and I are undertaking for our big plans we have in store for this year.  Some of the tasks associated with that one don't sound the most exciting, but need to be done if I want to be knowledgeable in what we're undertaking and so that I'm properly informed, prepared, and ready to handle cultivating our project so that it's set up for nothing but success.  Granted, I;m not expecting it to be a totally smooth ride with no bumps in the road and for everything to go according to some plan that has everything go perfectly as planned, that would be unrealistic to expect as nothing ever goes down that way.  But I want to become an expert in this undertaking as fast as possible so that I'm equipped and prepared to help K_____ get this off the ground and make it something we can both be proud of.
And of course, in between all this, I need to make sure I clock in some time writing on my first step because I won't lie, I've kinda been neglecting that lately for no other reason than answering the questions is making me uncomfortable due to having to recount and look at my actions I'm guilty of committing while in the throes of full blown, monster status active addiction.  But it has to be done to move on and move through it.  Anyway, time to move on to my next item on my to-do list for the day.

Stay tuned faithful fol.lowers.  More to come.