this stopped my heart dead

Bad Romance by Hayley Williams

"Executive" Assistant

Day 1 was short but went smoothly.  While the beast at home is definitely proof of the existence of a love/hate relationship that exists between us, today was proof that she has, without a doubt, earned her stripes and every single award that she hasn't had time to put up, simply due to the fact that there are so many of them. 

I also thought it was an inadvertently ego boost when I said some comment regarding my new status as "administrative assistant" to which she quickly corrected me and said "no you're an EXECUTIVE assistant."  While it was an ego boost...I couldn't help but have this image pop up immediately in my head:

That being said, I don't want to ever have a moment where she says/thinks something similar to:  "So I said 'go ahead...hire the smart fat girl.'" To which she was then she was disappointed in hiring Andrea.  I will not be Anne Hathaway pre-make over to when Meryl Streep actually started calling her by her name:  Andrea, not Emily.

So I just finished reading up on "What is a Short Sale?"  and "Escrow 101, What is Escrow?"  Tomorrow is what has been deemed "short sale" day. 

I am also very very thankful for the opportunity to have tasks and things in front of me that keep me busy and keep me occupied.  Today was bad (in my own head)...you kept popping up in my head all day.  It started this morning when Paparazzi came up on my playlist when I was getting ready for work.  I can't listen to her any more.  Not one song, not one line.  Nothing.  I always am reminded of San Diego, so today was awful, because I missed you.

and I want you to know I miss you right now and I hope you're having a good week. 

On that note, I'm going to go watch someone who's more miserable than me to make myself feel better.  Thanks Bravo, Danielle Staub will always make me feel better about myself. 

Day 1

i am off to the place i now, officially, call "work."  hopefully this won't turn out as me in some Anne Hathaway position in a Miranda Priestly-esque office

beautiful like acid

i found this tonight and i was stopped dead in my tracks.  i literally sat at my desk for a good 5 minutes, just staring at this.  In that 5 minutes I absorbed and appreciated everything about this picture:  the feeling you get from looking at it, and the feeling you get from looking at it remembering being in the picture with someone that crucial to your existence.  while i am happy and feel fortunate enough to have the patience to have found something that struck of an emotional chord like that in me and incited just feelings of fondness and love, it also was like a full liter bottle of acid being tossed into my face.  i had that once.  it was bliss.  so i'm going to post it here, so i can look at it whenever i want.  whether i'm choosing to incite the fondness or the self-inflicted acid burns as a result of exposure to said picture, that remains to be seen:

sweet dreams handsome. 

Fake It To Make It

"If you don't let what you don't know stop you from doing your best in every situation, you will surprise yourself over and over in life." -K. Cutrone

intensity

"Violence so intense it bordered on the beautiful."

more more more

cerulean blue
silver
cadmium orange
deep green
neutral gray 

all added to the collection of colors...plus 2 new brushes and a color wheel.....not that i need help i know what color mixes with what to make another....just...the color blindness thing sometimes fucks me up.  whoopsie

late night vitctim

it's always late at night when i'm laying in bed...and i look that sad face on that little red dog, and i fall apart all over again. 

but i'm trying this new line of thought.  today wasn't another day without you.

it was a day that can be checked off on the path that brings me back to you. 

i also started painting today..........but half of the character for "vanity" on the left side of the canvas got fucked up so i had to trash it.  i'm starting over tomorrow.  yes money down the drain, but how else am i going to learn and end up on Work of Art on Bravo.  Vanity 2.0, coming:  tomorrow. 

until then paintbrush...it's just me and this red dog whose hair is beginning to get clumped and matted together from tears and snot. 

turn it off

and in the freefall i
will realize...that i'm better off when i hit the bottom

indeed. 

time for mom's birthday

ready.set....

you.  i know you're reading this.  and i'm glad i at least have this little piece that's left connected to you.

6 months k? 

i'm already excited.

see you then cowboy.

"Gather up your courage like an armful of free clothes at a McQueen sample sale and follow your inner voice wherever it takes you."  -Kelly Cutrone

can't

getting out of bed seems impossible today.  everything is harsh and mean and pointless

RIP

a piece of me died tonight.  i literally felt it as it took its last breath.

if this is it...

if this is really it, and i lost him for good

i give up.  fact

today

i am, however, calling it quits and giving up on today.  good night.  see you in my dreams RM :(

piece by piece

i can't feel like this anymore.  i know i am ready to stop.  and i have already  begun and feel the difference...however...

i think i'm losing him.  and i can't :(  i just can't.  i can't give up.  i know i can turn into what he deserves.  what i should've been the whole time.

new lines and last lines

28 new lines added to my collection this week....and hopefully that is the last time i will have to do that.  or feel the need to.  i can't keep feeling like this.  and turns out it probably isn't bipolar at all....

i'm tired of feeling de-railed.  and at the end of the all will be him...hopefully.  i have to get that back

all encompassing

so big that it swallows you whole. 

please.

just kill me now.  i don't  want this anymore.  any of it.  i can't do it.  i quit.  please someone.   kill me

imaginary bliss

"i don't even picture it.  instead i'm in it.  how i would feel with him here.  that peace.  it would be so happy, and it makes me sad because it only exists in words."

 :( :( :( :(  almost a month later and this is no easier.  i don't know how i'm going to do this

.........

...........much better. 

please...something...ANYTHING

something positive and uplifting needs to happen soon.  its not that more bad things have been happening....everything thats bad has already happen and stripped me of practically everything i held dear.  but what is starting to chip away at what little sanity i have left is that nothing is changing. 

things fell apart and everything turned to ash, and it has stayed that way.  every day is slowly but surely becoming harder and more difficult to even cope with getting out of bed is becoming exhausting and tedious and tiresome and just.....not worth it. 

are you reading this?

yes.  YOU.  i don't know if you are actively checking back on here and reading whats going on.  or if you havent taken one look at it since the link was originally sent to you by email and you could careless.  i, kind of hope that you are/have been reading it.......but if you haven't that doesn't matter.  i have to get this out or i will, literally, and all joking aside, go insane and completely snap tonight/this morning, before "Thursday" has officially even begun.  so here YOU go.  yes.  YOU

i  miss you.  every night for the past 2 weeks ive been crying in bed before falling asleep.  every single day i have to find something to occupy myself so that my thoughts don't drift to you, but they still do...and if i let myself linger there in memories of your smile and your skin and your warmth and now your absence, i crack, and shudder, and i slowly start to fall apart.  i told myself i needed to do this for you and stop being a selfish pig for once,  i felt that if it was better for you and make things easier for you, then i would disappear. and thus i have......but the effect its having on me is no better.  i havent heard your voice in a week, and i am literally starting to loathe every single day and everything and everyone in it.  i feel like this is whats right for right now so you can concentrate on important things (i.e. not me), but i am officially having real and true withdrawals from no contact with you and its making this so much harder.

then today, something as mundane and minuscule and silly and small as chapstick....YOUR chapstick.  i found it in my truck today.  and i was completely shattered and fell apart on the spot.  my whole day/night was ruined.
it was a blatant reminder that you were everywhere.  you were my life, and i destroyed it and now you are gone and i have nothing.

something just cmae over me just now, and i completely went into a sobbing rage, punched a wall and tore holes right through my comforter before i realized what i was doing and had to calm down.  it was pure rage.  rage at myself because there's this nagging bitch of a whisper in the back of my mind who was quiet at first, but now is louder and is a staple in all my thoughts:  you had your shot, you fucked up worse than you have ever in your entire life, and now hes gone.  and he will never trust you again, and he will never love you again.  and he is so much better than you and the fact you even had him for as long as you did should be comfort enough.  give up now he will never forgive you and never trust you because you are WORTHLESS

 i don't know if i can do this without you.  do you hear me?  
not after the happiness and pure contentment i felt with you by my side. 

i doubt you even read this ... you have so many more important things going on and i know you're still in cali....i dont want to ruin anything else in your life more than i already have....so, here i am telling what i want to tell you to my blog.  oh how the mighty fall.

i miss not cursing god for me waking up again and having to face another day without you.  i miss ....fuck everything else to hell i miss YOU.

please be smiling.  please be happy and having fun wherever you are doing whatever your doing.

i love you.

see ya 'round cowboy.

:(

conception-development-birth

"it" was conceived a few days ago when i was browsing through random anime wallpapers and different DeviantArt.com graphics.  i saw the shape and colors of the whole thing and the way people's faces were pictured/placed.:::CONCEPTION:::..

i've been jostling this image of what i saw around in my brain thinking of...i dont know what, but what i could do with it.  something...i dont know what...i dont know if anything, but i couldnt get the image and the meaning of the picture out of my head .::::DEVELOPMENT:::.

and just now in the shower (which, ps, its amazing how doing something self destructive to your body resulted in me having a flash of what i'm going to do with this image in my head) my image became MY image and i know exactly how i'm going to proceed to give what i saw in my brain some life.  i need to get my printer working again though.......

and i think my crayola markers aren't gonna cut it for this one.  think i may need some paint and brushes

whoopsie

sharp and efficient and slick.  got the job done fastest ever.

just the way i like it.  and it's pink! aaahahahahahaha!

random thought of the day

things are not better.  i had a thought today while i was out at interviews/job fairs:  i have cried in bed before falling asleep every consecutive night for the past 2 weeks.

Clash at Demonhead

Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shapeshifting trick, the past again

i'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, everytime, everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo
From you

Got balls of steel, got an automobile, for a minimum wage
Got real estate, I'm buying it all up in outerspace
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shapeshifting trick, the past again

I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, everytime, everyone, ooo, pulls a way, oo
Mechanical bull, the number one
You'll take a ride from anyone, everyone wants a ride, pulls away, oooh from you

absence

i miss you so much.  the entire world feels absolutely unbearable right now

fucking dog

this stupid red dog sitting here on my bed has me absolutely in pieces.  my keyboard is startiung to get wet.  i don't remember crying this much in my life. 

decisions someone needs to make

it had to be done.  i can't ruin anymore of him.


fuck.   just...fuck.  it all and everything.   :(

he went

i'm glad he went to the concert without me.  he deserved it and to have as much fun as i know he did

vs. the world

"SCOTT PILGRIIIIMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

books!

new books.  yeah.. :D

back the fuck off

seriously?  bitch leave me alone so i can go see my movie and come back to my room and hide from the world in peace.  i don't want to leave the house and i don't want to "be social."

decisions no one wants to make

despite the fact that he's gone due to my actions and i feel like i have this huge gaping hole that is open and rotting and festering in his absence, i feel that...i need to leave him alone for the time being.  i feel like every time i talk to him all im doing is serving as a reminder of what we were 3 weeks ago...and what we've become as of 2 weeks ago.  i know there are reasons to be angry at me.  i'm angry at me.  i fucking despise me.  but i think i need to let him be him for right now so he can ...well.......be him, and see if he even wants me around in the first place.

this hurts so much.  i'm so sorry

foul foul evening

sitting in my room listening to Teenage Dream and regretting every second of the past 2 weeks.  i fucked up so bad.  i hope our paths cross again :(

you're slowly letting me go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0LO6v43YCo

running from?

i just got back from the gym and just realized why it's been so easy to run as much as i've been running there.... every time i get tired i remind myself of what has transpired and it shifts from a cardio run/work out to running from myself.

how healthy

regularity

with the chaos that has erupted in my life over the past 2 weeks (as well as that which has, inadvertently, spread and damaged other people's lives too) you would think that i would need to allocated and lock down on some sort of element of stability/calm/order/positivity that i can incorporate into my life.

today i realized that there has been an element of stability/regularity that has surfaced ... but, unfortunately, it isn't anything that i think is necessarily a good thing:  i feel that i've become so withdrawn, introverted, and bound to this well of despair and depression that any sort of activity that involves prolonged exposure to anything social has me completely retreating into myself in pure anxiety and fear.  perfect example:  the only thing i absolutely have my heart set on doing right now is going to see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, because i get to sit in the dark and watch (what looks like) an absolutely incredible movie and i am not forced to interact with ANYONE or ANYTHING outside of my bag of gummie bears and my jumbosuperhuge Dr. Pepper. 
every activity involving friends, my mom, or people that i have been invited to or asked about for the past week i have immediately either purposely ignored or immediately shied away from like it was a dirty heroin needle fresh off an Intervention episode.

and i am in no rush to leave my room or talk to anyone.  this rain cloud might be staying a while. 

esp that i just got my trazodone rx refilled..................with ELEVEN refills backing it.  goodnight

i dont give a fuck

"i will admit there's a certain degree of giving a fuck that goes into not giving a fuck.  by saying you don't care if the world falls apart, in some small way you're saying you want it to stay together, on your terms"

the truth

"Me:  you know what sucks about love?
o.w.g:  what?
Me:  that it's tied to the truth"

so far, i'm in love with this book

sound of crashing

"I hang up before she can say anything else.  i switch off the phone.  i sit down on the curb.  i close my eyes.  and i scream.  if my whole world is going to crash down around me, then i am going to make the sound of the crashing.  i want to scream until all my bones break."

and the grammy goes to

my playlist:

Aftermath
Tegan & Sara -Night Watch
Flyleaf - Much Like Falling
Paramore - Brick by Boring Brick (Acoustic)
The Arcade Fire - Half Light II (No Celebration)
Jack's Mannequin - Kill the Messenger (Live)
Malcom McLaren - About Her
Matt and Kim - Lessons Learned
Paramore - Turn It Off (Acoustic)
Garbage - #1Crush
Paramore - When it Rains
Metric - Help I'm Alive
Tegan and Sara - Arrow
Telepopmusik - Breathe
Katy Perry - Circle the Drain
Radiohead - Talk Show Host
Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
Jack's Mannequin - Bruised
Frou Frou - Let Go
Dave Matthews Band - When the World Ends (Paul Oakenfold Remix)
Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
The Arcade Fire - Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)
Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars
Angels & Airwaves - A Little's Enough
Tiesto - Feel it In My Bones (Feat. Tegan & Sara)
30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill (Acoustic)
Linkin Park - Session
Death Cab for Cutie - Brothers on a Hotel Bed

a page in the book

"I'll be the page you'll rip out."

First Timer

i went to my first meeting tonight.  going to something once, passing judgment on the actual situation and everyone there, then telling it to fuck off would be a habit that would fall under the classification of the lifestyle i am attempting to move on/grow from...so i'm going to give it a couple more shots before i make my ultimate decision on what i'm going to do.

however, at first glance, i feel ....how to put this:  not good.  maybe it was that particular meeting following with the mantra of "different strokes for different folks."  everyone is different and, thus blends into different societal circumstances and with different elements/people.  but in all honesty, i felt as though the whole thing was utterly-depressing, profoundly self-defeating, and encompassed a notion of wallowing in pity/the nature of one's dire situation in which i found myself repressing constant urges to look at the clock to see how fast the hour was progressing. 

what needs to be found out of these meetings will be found one way or another; of this i am determined and focused on (i refuse to give up on gaining back what i've lost).  but i don't know if the actual attendance to said regular meetings is going to mesh well with me and how i think/process information and major changes that have taken place over the last few days that have pretty much destroyed my life and the one thing i truly held dear in it.

the Roast of David Hasselhoff is on Comedy Central on sunday.  i have to say i am embarrassingly excited about the horrible things that will be said during this roast. 

-me-

Circle the Drain

really Katy Perry?  is this song necessary right now?

Hayley Williams

during the last few days, i've been reminded and reeducated of how much i love Hayley Williams and Paramore. 


"and the worst part is, before it gets any better we're heading for a cliff"

Will Grayson, Will Grayson

"[he] knows how stupid i find these things, and he finds them just as stupid as i do...
[like] ttyl.  bitch, you're not actually talking.  that would require actual vocal contact.  or<3.  you think that looks like a heart?  if you do, that's only because you've never seen a scrotum.  "

more and more

it's only Wednesday, and getting out of bed every day is becoming increasingly difficult.  Everything seems so harsh and mean and unrelenting and difficult. 

......i  miss you :(

ps,
Barefoot Contessa doesn't help.  she's fat and stupid and in love with all of her gay friends

not so sweet home

i got the rest of my belongings from the other house today. 
there was this funny thing that happened....i was walking through the dining room back out to the front room, and the dining room has one of those hanging cheap home depot made chandeliers that hangs so low from the ceiling that if there isn't an actual dining room table underneath it, there is a very high statistical probability that someone's face will be colliding with said chandelier at any given moment during the evening.  anyway, after making a trip through the kitchen to make sure i grabbed everything, i was rather briskly walking away -- without looking might i add -- and i looked up and there was the chandelier coming at me.  then i felt his hand on the side of my face and he gently pushed me out of the way, avoiding any injury/loss of eyesight/etc. 

what is significant to me about this isn't the fact that mr psychiatrist had a hayday with prescribing me stuff enough to where i didnt even see this thing coming at me, but the feeling of his skin on my skin literally was like a blast of heat igniting on the side of my face, mixed with a bit of electricity.  in the 2 seconds we took to laugh at me being a fuck-tard and almost losing an eye, inside i got profoundly sad all over again, because i started to fiend and crave that touch and then realized that i can't have it anymore.  while activities came to a close and we realized that the last of my belongings had been cleared out, that's when my resolve began to crumble and i knew my exit had to be made soon, otherwise, i'd completely fall to pieces in front of him -- and from the looks of things, i think he had been cleaning the floor. 

it felt like a goodbye, just because of the immediate physical circumstances.  but i will answer your question back right now:  no it is NOT.  not from my end.  i know i screwed up.  that does not even begin to encompass the things that i've done.  but he is my boy and my sunshine.  and i will do what i have to. 

so now that that's done, i spent the rest of the evening putting my room back the way it was before i moved out.  there are some things missing...things he gave me, made for me, cards he gave me, the picture of us, but over all, my room is back up and running and it is back to the 'batcave retreat' status it had previously.

so then why does it feel even emptier than it did before?

i saw the sun today

after recognizing that i needed to get out of bed -- at some point or another -- i finally put my glasses on, checked the list of things that needed to be done as set out by parentals, and set about them.... one of them being to hose down the backyard patio (we have the 2 dogs that like to pee on everything BUT the grass)....

once i set foot outside, i realized that this was the 2nd time i'd seen the sun in about a week (not counting my first few steps of freedom out of Rawson-Neal)...and i hated it.  i hated everything about it:  i hated how bright it was, how it was all encompassing, how it wouldn't go the fuck away no matter where you walked, how it, somehow, in its incessant shining was holding some falsehearted promise that said "see?  everything is going to be fine."  so to the sun i say fie to you.  i promptly did what i needed to do, finished up, took a shower, and am back inside under a blanket where i belong.  at least in here i can't screw anything up. 

as for the real sunshine that i miss....i think i just have to be patient.  i made a horrible mess of things.  in every conceivable way, but i will not give up. and i can only hope that throughout all this and as i try to mend myself, neither will he. 

reiteration

i'd like to reiterate just in case anyone sees the title of my blog and thinks i'm bitter...this is in in no way written, blogged, or documented out of any feelings of bitterness or vengeance. 

again, it is written themed out of something i read:



"Or you know what it is?  You hate yourself so much you'll hurt anybody who loves you.  That's it isn't it.  Just to get even with them for loving you."

so no...no bitterness here.  if there is it is only towards myself

Following my Release from the Psychiatric Ward

i would just like to make everyone aware that there will be extensive, deep, and mass cuts of connections/friends from Facebook and Myspace over the next week.  Twitter has already been deactivated, so now I'm moving on to these 2.  Regarding any friends who find that connections to me have been severed, i want to say i am sorry.  i am in no way passing judgment on you and i harbor you no ill will, and some of you i care for as friends.  However, for me to be successful in this next endeavor, I can only achieve this by taking out certain elements of my life that are not conducive to what I am trying to achieve.  If you're feelings are hurt or you don't understand, I am sorry but that is the way it is going to be.  I have lost something through all this through my own deceitful actions and poor choices; something that is so dear and precious to me that I feel like I have literally had a piece of my body ripped off and away, and that I, myself, ripped it off.  There still may be hope, but while there is, I know what I have to do, and I see him waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.  And there will be NOTHING or ANYONE that will stand in my way of achieving this.  This is going to be for me.  And this is going to be for him.  I HAVE to get my sunshine back. 

Just To Get Even (Beginnings)

I figured that the title of my new, freshly birthed blog should have a bit of a disclaimer so as to explain that I did not create this blog with inspirations or motivations stemming from revenge or "striking back" at anyone.  Not at all.  While searching through my actual private journal, i found a quote that seemed appropriate, considering everything that has happened in the last few days.  :

"Or you know what it is?  You hate yourself so much, you'll hurt anybody who loves you.  That's it isn't it?  Just to get even with them for loving you."

Go back and read The Magicians if you're intrigued.

  essentially, the title of the blog stems from how i feel my actions can be explained over the recent past.  essentially, i screwed up.  bad.  that doesn't even sum it up.  last week, everything officially came crashing down in one of the biggest catastrophe movie like earthquake scenes you could imagine.  i don't want to get into too many details right now (it's my newly ativan-regulated bed time approaching) but to sum it up:  the party is over.  it stopped last week, and it crashed really hard, and there were a lot of casualties, one of which i'm still crying myself to sleep at night over.
many changes will be taking place over the next few weeks/months, and these will be permanent and will, hopefully, be me flourishing into a next chapter that isn't so...Party Monster.