while the actual day of halloween has been an ever-growing source of anxiety and sadness for me, the day has arrived. and i think i'm ok.
this holiday last year i was with him. and as all of you may know, many things have changed.
however, instead of abiding by my original plan of locking myself in my room until today was over and basking in my depression/loss/guilt/shame/self-hatred, a very interesting thing has happened:
i can't put myself in that mindset.
this week has been a definite eye opener in the sense that, previously, i was somewhat oblivious to the sheer extent and quantity of energy and thought that ended up being focused and directed at basking in those feelings of guilt and shame and self-hatred of what i'd done and my actions. but after spending the entire week in a state of perpetually shifting anger/resentment/sadness/shame...i realized that i cannot do that to myself.
so, somehow, without even having to make the conscious effort, today is not as emotionally catastrophic as i thought it was going to be: instead of turning 110% of myself/my energy/my thoughts/my focus onto all the horrible things i've done and keeping myself stuck in the immediate aftermath and emotional blast radius of the bomb that went off that wrecked the sad semblance of a life that i thought i was maintaining, i am and have come to realize that its all effort so much better spent on pulling my feet out of the muck of self-pity/shit and starting to walk forward.
with the effort and focus towards what i want to do with myself NOW, things seem to go from bad, to bearable, to OK. and for right now: i'm ok. i miss you every day, and i know i messed up, but i am ok...because i'm putting one size 9 1/2 converse in front of the other and i'm slowly walking down that path, which, hopefully has you somewhere on it down the road.
also, on another interesting development: my father and i spoke for the first time on the phone in over 13 years on friday. it was awkward at first, to say the least, and we didn't have a lot of time to catch up, but i filled him in on a few details regarding the happenings of the last few months, and he said something to me that has been resonating in my brain for the last 48 hours. i told him, briefly, about what I had done to myself, my life, my addiction, the eruption that almost killed me and caused unfathomable hurt to everyone around me, and i told him that I had started/am currently involved in the recovery process....and here's what he said:
Dad: do you remember when you were little one time when you asked 'dad, do you really think i can punch through that piece of wood?
Me: yeah, it was for tae-kwon-do classes and it was part of the test i had to complete to progress to the next belt color
Dad: yes. and you weren't sure you could do it. and i told you 'son, i KNOW you can do this.' and you went up, and you did it and put your fist right through that piece of wood and snapped it in half.......the same applies to what you're going through right now. you may not think you can, but there is a fighter in you, i've known him since he was 1 day old. and i KNOW you can do this.
i don't know what it was about that statement...maybe because it actually came from him? whatever it is, but i feel like i just got a 1000% boost to my confidence and belief in myself that this whole impasse i'm at will just be another block of wood that i will snap in half, just like i did back then.
whether i believe that i can or not, i'm going to. FOR ME.
...and for you too. happy halloween, please be safe
-me-
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
happy halloween
i don't know if you still read this: but if you do:
have fun and be safe please.
wishing you only the best things.
-me-
have fun and be safe please.
wishing you only the best things.
-me-
Friday, October 29, 2010
Dad
...yeah.
wow.
can't even put my thoughts together yet to write in full detail.....that'll have to come later.
but what's important was, i'm not angry. we talked. just talked. and it was nice.
and i'm going to call him again tomorrow.
wow.
can't even put my thoughts together yet to write in full detail.....that'll have to come later.
but what's important was, i'm not angry. we talked. just talked. and it was nice.
and i'm going to call him again tomorrow.
Friday
last day of a relatively "blah" week. overall, an emotional roller coaster of a week, but it was all self-induced.
it's kinda ridiculous what your brain does to you when you isolate yourself and are left to sit in your own shitty-ness
it's...well...um: shitty.
also, on a positive note: remember my rescue story from last weekend? Moose (as i had been calling him) actually did have a family that WAS looking for him. through the help of some resources i contacted, i was able to get in contact with his family, and they picked him up earlier this week.
i gotta say, THAT happy ending has been making me smile all week. :) i had taken some pictures of him with the intent of making a flyer to hopefully find him a good home, but that was right before i found his family. but i'll still post the pictures i took of the goofball.
it's kinda ridiculous what your brain does to you when you isolate yourself and are left to sit in your own shitty-ness
it's...well...um: shitty.
also, on a positive note: remember my rescue story from last weekend? Moose (as i had been calling him) actually did have a family that WAS looking for him. through the help of some resources i contacted, i was able to get in contact with his family, and they picked him up earlier this week.
i gotta say, THAT happy ending has been making me smile all week. :) i had taken some pictures of him with the intent of making a flyer to hopefully find him a good home, but that was right before i found his family. but i'll still post the pictures i took of the goofball.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
6am? and Animal Rescue: Me Edition
yeah...that's when i woke up. and preceding that was one of the most productive saturdays...EVER.
and it's only Noon. awesome =D
ps,
included in this whirlwind of productivity was my first doggie rescue. he was lonely, beat up, starving and his hair was so matted together it was rock solid. the ambulance that had originally saw him running across the street had to leave, and there was no for sure ETA on animal control (which i didnt want my new friend leaving with them anyway), so i got his stinky ass in my truck and shuttled him over to Cheyenne West Animal Hospital. also, just a side note: this dog was not a dog. he was more like a fucking MASTODON. St. bernard: EASILY 130 lbs. refused to be anywhere else but draped across my arms/lap the whole way to the vet.
luckily, they were able to scan his chip and see where it was registered with, but whatever place that its registered with isn't open until Monday, so my new friend (Moose is what i named him) is staying in the kennels at the vet until then. i wanted to take him home with me but...let's face it: i live at a house, not a horse stable, which would've been more fitting for him
and it's only Noon. awesome =D
ps,
included in this whirlwind of productivity was my first doggie rescue. he was lonely, beat up, starving and his hair was so matted together it was rock solid. the ambulance that had originally saw him running across the street had to leave, and there was no for sure ETA on animal control (which i didnt want my new friend leaving with them anyway), so i got his stinky ass in my truck and shuttled him over to Cheyenne West Animal Hospital. also, just a side note: this dog was not a dog. he was more like a fucking MASTODON. St. bernard: EASILY 130 lbs. refused to be anywhere else but draped across my arms/lap the whole way to the vet.
luckily, they were able to scan his chip and see where it was registered with, but whatever place that its registered with isn't open until Monday, so my new friend (Moose is what i named him) is staying in the kennels at the vet until then. i wanted to take him home with me but...let's face it: i live at a house, not a horse stable, which would've been more fitting for him
Thursday, October 21, 2010
no more rain please =(
he was all i could think about today.
all rainy days will probably be like that now
one kiss in the rain and i can never just have a rainy day ever again. i will ALWAYS think of that.
i'll even settle for snow, but no more rain please.
all rainy days will probably be like that now
one kiss in the rain and i can never just have a rainy day ever again. i will ALWAYS think of that.
i'll even settle for snow, but no more rain please.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
S.A.D?
this weather has got me in a funk. maybe it's just because it's not conducive to being any sort of productive, and i know that's what i need to be right now, especially at work/with my thinking/with myself.
but with the passing clouds, wind, and the reminder of the torrential downpour of this morning, all i want to do is lay in bed and watch The Hours.
gay
but with the passing clouds, wind, and the reminder of the torrential downpour of this morning, all i want to do is lay in bed and watch The Hours.
gay
Monday, October 18, 2010
cruel irony
it's interesting how you think you miss something so much (even if it's nothing to brag about)...then, when circumstances present itself to participate in said activity again....what can only be summarized as an epic fail occurs.
i don't remember the last time i felt as thoroughly disgusted with myself or my actions. not in a guilty/shame kind of way due to me knowing what i did was wrong in the back of my mind.
but because i was thoroughly disappointed in myself, and couldn't really figure out how i used to do said activity on the reg.
needless to say: i fell
but as fucking difficult as this is, i have to pull myself back up. i don't really have a choice in the matter..
well technically i do, but the other choice/alternative is nothing i want.
**********************************************************************
"Honesty without compassion is brutality."
i don't remember the last time i felt as thoroughly disgusted with myself or my actions. not in a guilty/shame kind of way due to me knowing what i did was wrong in the back of my mind.
but because i was thoroughly disappointed in myself, and couldn't really figure out how i used to do said activity on the reg.
needless to say: i fell
but as fucking difficult as this is, i have to pull myself back up. i don't really have a choice in the matter..
well technically i do, but the other choice/alternative is nothing i want.
**********************************************************************
"Honesty without compassion is brutality."
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
knocked out of orbit
so...as much as i've been trying to tough it out and act like nothing is wrong, i can't pretend any longer and i definitely have to go to the doctor tomorrow. if you couldn't tell from the picture i previously posted, i recently suffered an owie..
that is an understatement: i still don't know what happened, and all of the what ifs are starting to drive me mad, and i'm starting to get really scared over a hypothetical fear of what COULD be wrong with me, when a simple explanation/not so scary one, is the actual explanation of what happened. but all that aside, the facts are:
Sunday: i don't know what happened, or how it happened. but i was walking back from my bathroom to my bed (for those of you that know, it is a very very short distance),...i'm not sure how , but i basically kind of (what refer to as) came back to reality...on the floor. i was flopping around kinda trying to get my bearings and trying to pull myself up off the floor. at some point, i hit my head on something, resulting in the cut above my eye, which has also swelled to the size of a golfball. also, during my fall or ...somehow, i bashed my face into a cabinet maybe? or the door, or something, resulting in the other cut/bruise on the side of my face. at this point, i'm bleeding from my head quite a bit. i'm profoundly dizzy and i'm still trying to get up off the floor.
fast forward to today: i still don't know what happened, but whatever it was has completely thrown me out of whack. i have been an absolute wreck all week (and it's only tuesday). i can barely concentrate, i've had constant headaches (some worse in intensity than others). i cannot focus on ANY task given to me at work. i've had the WORST time remembering shit that mom told me, and for some reason, whatever happened has thrown me into a complete and total emotional basketcase. Absolutely off the wall irrationally short-tempered and upset for no reason. I can hardly handle answering the phone at work. I really have no idea what happened or what it did, but whatever it is: i think it's becoming evident that i hit my head...really really hard
i find myself getting so frustrated with myself over the last couple days as well. i have several...actually no i have MANY things to be grateful and thankful for and to be happy about. but i cannot snap out of whatever this emotional rut is. i was literally FINE on saturday night when i went to bed, but ever since sunday after i kinda got myself together and cleaned up after the fall, i feel like i got knocked out of orbit and i've been just...a total rogue lunatic and completely unable to get my bearings.
i am, however, constantly reminded of how amazing my friends are. each of the ones with whom i spoke today said something that helped. some of it was small one liners, and others were just proving to me about why i'm so lucky to have wise friends like them in the first place. so to all of you i say thank you.
and especially to my mom for putting up with me the last couple days. i know i've been a basket case. but i have an ouchie and you know i get needy. sorrylady :(
******************
...if you still read this: hi. i hope you're doing okay...you're amazing so there's no reason you wouldn't be.
and that's all i have for now. and that has to be enough
thank you for letting me share
that is an understatement: i still don't know what happened, and all of the what ifs are starting to drive me mad, and i'm starting to get really scared over a hypothetical fear of what COULD be wrong with me, when a simple explanation/not so scary one, is the actual explanation of what happened. but all that aside, the facts are:
Sunday: i don't know what happened, or how it happened. but i was walking back from my bathroom to my bed (for those of you that know, it is a very very short distance),...i'm not sure how , but i basically kind of (what refer to as) came back to reality...on the floor. i was flopping around kinda trying to get my bearings and trying to pull myself up off the floor. at some point, i hit my head on something, resulting in the cut above my eye, which has also swelled to the size of a golfball. also, during my fall or ...somehow, i bashed my face into a cabinet maybe? or the door, or something, resulting in the other cut/bruise on the side of my face. at this point, i'm bleeding from my head quite a bit. i'm profoundly dizzy and i'm still trying to get up off the floor.
fast forward to today: i still don't know what happened, but whatever it was has completely thrown me out of whack. i have been an absolute wreck all week (and it's only tuesday). i can barely concentrate, i've had constant headaches (some worse in intensity than others). i cannot focus on ANY task given to me at work. i've had the WORST time remembering shit that mom told me, and for some reason, whatever happened has thrown me into a complete and total emotional basketcase. Absolutely off the wall irrationally short-tempered and upset for no reason. I can hardly handle answering the phone at work. I really have no idea what happened or what it did, but whatever it is: i think it's becoming evident that i hit my head...really really hard
i find myself getting so frustrated with myself over the last couple days as well. i have several...actually no i have MANY things to be grateful and thankful for and to be happy about. but i cannot snap out of whatever this emotional rut is. i was literally FINE on saturday night when i went to bed, but ever since sunday after i kinda got myself together and cleaned up after the fall, i feel like i got knocked out of orbit and i've been just...a total rogue lunatic and completely unable to get my bearings.
i am, however, constantly reminded of how amazing my friends are. each of the ones with whom i spoke today said something that helped. some of it was small one liners, and others were just proving to me about why i'm so lucky to have wise friends like them in the first place. so to all of you i say thank you.
and especially to my mom for putting up with me the last couple days. i know i've been a basket case. but i have an ouchie and you know i get needy. sorrylady :(
******************
...if you still read this: hi. i hope you're doing okay...you're amazing so there's no reason you wouldn't be.
and that's all i have for now. and that has to be enough
thank you for letting me share
Monday, October 11, 2010
this Thursday
60 days in a row. it doesn't feel like that big of an accomplishment...it just feels like a lot longer than it actually is.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
edit
the original entry that i had in this post, was only public for maybe 2 seconds...and i realized it was very selfish of me to broadcast it. so i deleted it. and now i'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. all i know is i said i would disappear and i'm trying my hardest to stick to that for him.
today...actually this whole weekend was not too bad. mom said something to me today that made me cry. it was a good cry though. just what she said and how she said it was really encapsulating of the love that is still there. even after everything i put her through, the money i stole, and the lies i told her...she still said what she said today. i just couldn't believe it. i don't deserve it or her. but i have it, by some miraculous occurrence, i have it. and i am thankful and grateful for it.
also haven't done any carving action in a week. i kinda am shocked that it's been about 7 days since i was gripping anything sharp. and i'm okay with that for now.
today...actually this whole weekend was not too bad. mom said something to me today that made me cry. it was a good cry though. just what she said and how she said it was really encapsulating of the love that is still there. even after everything i put her through, the money i stole, and the lies i told her...she still said what she said today. i just couldn't believe it. i don't deserve it or her. but i have it, by some miraculous occurrence, i have it. and i am thankful and grateful for it.
also haven't done any carving action in a week. i kinda am shocked that it's been about 7 days since i was gripping anything sharp. and i'm okay with that for now.
lack of sensation
it's weird. i haven't done it since earlier this week. (Sunday night i believe if memory serves me correctly). Normally any period of not doing it would be followed by my skin eventually..like...itching? it's hard to describe, but basically i would feel like my entire top layer of skin was absolutely fucking CRAWLING just begging for it.
but i haven't done it since sunday. because "there are always excuses, but never a real reason to choose to do it." and i haven't. and now it's just weird because...
i guess i'm just not used to feeling ok? like not being in constant physical pain and having to watch how i move or how hard i scratch at a scab or something.
someone told me they were proud of me tonight too. why? i don't get it.
but i haven't done it since sunday. because "there are always excuses, but never a real reason to choose to do it." and i haven't. and now it's just weird because...
i guess i'm just not used to feeling ok? like not being in constant physical pain and having to watch how i move or how hard i scratch at a scab or something.
someone told me they were proud of me tonight too. why? i don't get it.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
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