Recovery from codependency is an individual process that necessitates making mistakes, struggling through problems, and facing tough issues.
Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows this process; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Those Old-Time Feelings
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as "soul-sickness."
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean we're in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean we're in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Monday, April 6, 2015
My New Home Base
Well, I got through the move. Physically that is. The day of the move and as it was actually happening, I wasn't present mentally or emotionally at ALL and was totally stuck in a cesspool of self-pity, depression, negativity, closed-mindedness, stubbornness, complacency, and total lack of acceptance and wanting to stay stuck in the problem rather than contribute to being part of the solution. I did NOT want to move out of the apartment I was at and was NOT happy about having to move to the place I'm in now. And then following the move, once everything had been unloaded and brought into the new apartment and it was time for me to start putting things away and unpacking and creating my new home and getting comfortable, I took the completely opposite route and stayed in that shitty frame of mind and negativity which launched into a week long depression. And this was an UGLY all-consuming depression that trickled down into every facet of my life. I started neglecting personal hygiene and self-care (I desperately need to trim my beard and re-shave my head), I was mistrustful and resentful and hateful and racist towards my neighbors who I hadn't even made an effort to meet or say hi to, I was sleeping entire days away because sleep was my only escape I had at my disposal to escape from the negativity and anxiety and unhappiness and discontent I was feeling. And escapism isn't a solution, it's simply delaying processing and facing a problem. Things finally came to a head on Friday when my mom came over and, in a nutshell, called me on my bullshit and brought to my attention what my demeanor and outlook and attitude looked like in REALITY from another's perspective. She didn't pull any punches and after processing what she said for another day or so, come Saturday, I made a conscious decision to completely shift my outlook and perspective and get into some gratitude for my present circumstances and blessings that I have been given, instead of bitching and being depressed about things that had their place in my life but have moved on as all things and seasons in our life do. I realized what I was lacking (one of many things) was some serious ACCEPTANCE with reality and the way things have turned out as far as my living situation. I also needed to inject a huge dose of gratitude into my mindset for my present circumstances and for this new apartment. I also needed to acknowledge some unsavory behavior in how I had been treating my mom and had to issue some acknowledgments and apologies to her to clean up my sign of the street because, in a nut-shell, I was being a fucking dick.
So here we are, on a Monday, first day of the start of a new week and I've made the decision in my mind to follow through with staying in gratitude, appreciation, acceptance, and open-mindedness, and with slowly but surely unpacking and establishing this as my new HOME, not just some new apartment. I've also, as a result of my depression I was stuck in, moved away from some recovery behaviors and actions that I know I need to do on a daily basis to keep me grounded and in a solution-oriented mindset. I stopped calling my sponsor and didn't talk to him for almost a week, I stopped texting and calling my friends in recovery that make up my support group, I stopped doing my morning readings, and I didn't even go to my Home Group meeting Friday night at 6 because I couldn't get it together enough to leave the apartment.
So, in summary, a serious overhaul was needed of my outlook and my attitude and my behavior and I'm committed to starting this new week off on a good note by evolving this new apartment into my new home and creating my mancave, bachelor pad, fortress of solitude, home base, headquarters, safety zone, whatever you want to call it. But yeah. Congratulations to me on a new home!
Stay tuned.
So here we are, on a Monday, first day of the start of a new week and I've made the decision in my mind to follow through with staying in gratitude, appreciation, acceptance, and open-mindedness, and with slowly but surely unpacking and establishing this as my new HOME, not just some new apartment. I've also, as a result of my depression I was stuck in, moved away from some recovery behaviors and actions that I know I need to do on a daily basis to keep me grounded and in a solution-oriented mindset. I stopped calling my sponsor and didn't talk to him for almost a week, I stopped texting and calling my friends in recovery that make up my support group, I stopped doing my morning readings, and I didn't even go to my Home Group meeting Friday night at 6 because I couldn't get it together enough to leave the apartment.
So, in summary, a serious overhaul was needed of my outlook and my attitude and my behavior and I'm committed to starting this new week off on a good note by evolving this new apartment into my new home and creating my mancave, bachelor pad, fortress of solitude, home base, headquarters, safety zone, whatever you want to call it. But yeah. Congratulations to me on a new home!
Stay tuned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)