Parting

it's time to face reality, as much as i don't want to acknowledge this fact, it's true. 
you left me a long time ago as it is clearly evident in your blind hastiness to stand by and defend everyone anyone and everything no matter what or who, but all you can do for me is point out all my flaws.

as much as i've been trying to tell myself that this was just a bumpy patch, i know that for certain you and i have been dead for a long time.  after building yourself up to be such an integral key component in my life, the ease with which you're able to walk away and "take care of yourself" is setting an example which i clearly need to follow.

i'm as sick as you've made me, and, hopefully, the only thing i wish for you now is for you to be as sick as i have made you for as long as possible. 

Retraction

The previous postings about my departure are all retracted.  Apparently my parents BOTH have a propensity for lies on such a grand scale that it resulted in me telling my father that he can fuck off and die alone -- in so many words....and my mother?  i don't think i've ever been more disgusted with a human being than i was with her....for the past week and a half, i have wanted  nothing from her but for her to suffer, and for those of you who know me, you can only imagine what the last week and a half has been like for her. 

but....as hard as this is to say, i can't stay angry forever...okay well maybe close to forever, but not at her.  and we're moving through it.  I, on the other-hand -- thanks to probably one of the best performances and execution of a massive lie that involved a plethora of other people as well -- have recently become the latest of victims in scenes that have a striking resemblance to that show on A&E...you know...the one where all the people write you letters begging you to say "yes, i'll go."   because now after being accomplices (some more so than others) to the world trying to break me and my converse reaction of basically giving it the finger, now everyone wants to come back and do damage control.  but i digress.

the point is, if i've been hard/impossible to reach the last week and a half or you've been trying to text/call me only to find out that the number isnt in service...don't worry:  i'm not dead (on the outside at least), i've just been forced to go on a mandatory...um...sabbatical, that just so happens to last for 30 days and has things like group therapy and LOTS and lots of meetings.  unfortunately for my mother's perfect plan that she perfectly concocted because of how perfect she is, Solutions isn't the sterling and pristine place of recovery they told her in their sales pitch.  It is, in fact, quite the shit show, which is why i'm home for this brief mini-respite...

Either way, bottom line:  i retract that previous post.  i am more miserable than ever, and i feel like all i have left to hold on to is my hate and loathing.  at least i have some company

The Only Constant in Life is Change....sort of

A very wise group of drug addicts once told me that "the only constant thing in life is change."  The statement is simple, but it took me a second to really grasp the gravity of the concept.  Granted, I may have had an increased amount of difficulty grasping said concept, considering the fact that at the time I had become a human test subject for which anti-depressant different mental health professionals thought would work best and was such a cluster-fuck of imbalanced chemicals, moods, failed suicide attempt reflections, and self-disappointment.....but that might be a little off-track.  Anyway, they told me that the only constant in life is change.  And that with that change, if we are open and receptive to the situation and to new ideas, that we can only grow from each change.

The last 72 hours have been the most uncertain, rocky, emotional and life-changing then, conversely, life-changing-back-to, that I can remember having in the past year.

So, without wanting to go into too much detail, as to anyone else my life may seem like one big melo-dramatic laughable joke, I will say this:  yes, the only constant in life is, indeed, change....even when the change is changed.  And as much as I wanted to push forward and journey on to some next mysterious phase, it seems like there are some matters that I have to tend to here first before I can really take my leave and say goodbye to this Sin filled little cluster of track homes, gated communities, and mega-resorts/hotels we call home.

At the end of this whole "change-esqe" episode, however, I am happy and relieved to report that yes, indeed, growth certainly did occur.  And I definitely think it was so crucial and overdue to occur and significant that only more "happy to report" items will pop up in the coming months. 

The Things You Leave Behind

as you move through your life, you pass through different phases, or chapters i guess.  some of those transitions you can see coming and plan for accordingly, and some you actually plan to have occur.  others just happen or sometimes -- in rare, and often painful occasions -- are forced on you; pushing you forward into the next chapter of a book where you have no idea where to even establish solid footing or grasp the story line that's just transpired.  regardless of what type of transition you experience, they all share one thing in common:  that transition is propelling you forward. 

i don't know that what i'm doing is right, or if it's conversely wrong for that matter.  but i can't stay here any longer.  i've done nothing but sit and stagnate in the past year. more specifically, in the last few months.  and as a result, i can feel myself rotting away from the inside-out.  this city isn't a city to me anymore.  it's become...okay, you know when you watch a movie and it has some scene where the survivors (or in some cases, a lone survivor) are walking through the remains of his home town or city that was completely decimated by a war?  As he walks he's just strolling along through nothing but smoldering wreckage everywhere, blasted landscapes and bodies strewn about of the people he once knew and loved.  That's what I feel like.  That's what's left.  Nearly every inch, street, building, mountain, park, nightclub, hotel, hospital, and school campus in this city has a cluster of memories attached to it, and most of them topped off with recent ones that are excruciatingly painful.  With those new searing memories of hurt at the top of the pile, they're successfully preventing me from being able to create new ones to cover them up and move on to whatever it feels like to be okay again.  Call it running away if you want, I really don't care if any one approves or not, but I can't stay here any more.  The piece of paper I've been writing on has been written, scribbled, sketched, drawn on, and then erased too many times, and all you see are millions of old pencil indents and marks and faded, sad grey traces of what once was. 

Time for a new piece of paper. 

And while I'm about to place this new piece of paper in front of me and start writing, there are certain things that I know I will never, ever truly get over.  That one regret that you will always have, even though you try to live with no regrets, because your story is your story and it's who you are and how you've learned what you've learned:  the greatest regret and one that will never ever leave me is how I successfully destroyed and lost any happiness I had with you.  I want nothing more than for you to be happy, as happy as I once was with you next to me, and more.  I know as I'm writing this, I am the farthest thing from your mind and probably haven't crossed it in a while, nor will I any time soon, but at this point, I'm hoping that some day we can at least be around each other without you not caring if I was struck by a car at that moment or not. 

And that's all I have to say about that. 
I think I've done all the damage I can do here. 

Bye Sin City.  It's been real.  

sometimes, just show up: life will find you

i'm still reeling over how this situation just sort of found me....without having to really do anything.
but it found me and i think i'm going to see where it goes...at least for now.

so for now, i'd like to introduce you to Trent

Beginning of the End?

so....is this how the end starts?  all the right situational circumstances are in place. 

sure feels like it.