Expectations of Others

    It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met.  We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe -- not one particular person -- to be our source.
    It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request.  We are responsible for what we want and need. It's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request.  If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
    There's a difference between asking and demanding.  We want love that is freely given.
    It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs.  Ultimately, we will become angry or resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
    It is reasonable to have certain and well-defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
    If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship.  We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability.  We do this for ourselves.
    It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person.  We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
    The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.

Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.

Overcoming Self-Obsession

Many of us came into the program convinced that our feelings, our wants, and our needs were of the utmost importance to everyone.  We had practiced a lifetime of self-seeking, self-centered behavior and believed it was the only way to live.
That self-centeredness doesn't cease just because using has stopped...
The more we insist on being the center of the universe, the less satisfied we will be with our friends, our sponsor, and everything else.
Freedom from self-obsession can be found through concentrating more on the needs of others and less on our own. When others have problems, we can offer help.  When newcomers need rides to meetings, we can pick them up.  When friends are lonely, we can spend time with them.  When we find ourselves feeling unloved or ignored, we can offer the love and attention we need to someone else. In giving, we receive much more in return -- and that's a promise we can trust.

Love One Another, But Make Not a Bond of Love

Love doesn't demand; love compromises.  It doesn't possess; it frees.  Love doesn't gloat; it praises.  Love makes friends of strangers.  It softens our rough edges and strengthens our assets.  Knowing we're loved inspires us and invites forth our best effort.  Offering our love humbles us and cultivates our inner joy.

Never, in the name of love, should we direct another person's life, but instead let's celebrate the choices made by someone dear, even when they run counter to our own desires.  We are each blessed with a destiny, unique and necessary to the others in our lives. We must be allowed to travel our paths to fulfillment.

Let's free one another and know real love.

Staying Open to Our Feelings

Many of us have gotten so good at following the "don't feel" rule that we can try to talk ourselves out of feelings, even in recovery.

Part of working a good program means acknowledging and dealing with our feelings.  We strive to accept and deal with our anger so it doesn't harden into resentments.  We don't use recovery as an excuse to shut down our emotions.

Yes, we are striving for forgiveness, but we still want to feel, listen to, and stay with our feelings until it's time to release them appropriately.  Our Higher Power created the emotional part of ourselves. God is not telling us to not feel; it's our dysfunctional belief system that is.

We also need to be careful how we use affirmations; discounting our emotions won't make feelings go away.  If we're angry, it's okay to have that feeling.  That's part of how we get and stay healthy.

Today, I will refuse to accept shame from others or myself for feeling my feelings.

Taking Care of Ourselves Emotionally

    What does it mean to take care of myself emotionally?  I recognize when I'm feeling angry, and I accept that feeling without shame or blame.
    I recognize when I'm feeling hurt, and I accept those feelings without attempting to punish the source of my pain. I recognize and feel fear when that emotion presents itself.
    I allow myself to feel happiness, joy,and love when those emotions are available.  Taking care of myself means I've made a decision that it's okay to feel.
    Taking care of my emotions means I allow myself to stay with the feeling until it's time to release it and go on to the next one.
    I recognize that sometimes my feelings can help point me toward reality, but sometimes my feelings are deceptive.  They are important, but I do not have to let them control me.  I can feel, and think too.
    I reach out for help or guidance if I get stuck in a particular emotion.
    I'm open to the lessons my emotions may be trying to teach me.  After I feel, accept, and release the feeling, I ask myself what it is I want or need to do to take care of myself.
    Taking care of myself emotionally means I value, treasure, explore, and cherish the emotional part of myself.

Today, I will take care of myself emotionally.  I will be open to, and accepting of, the emotional part of myself and other people.  I will strive for balance by combining emotions with reason, but I will not allow intellect to push the emotional part of myself away

Giving

    Don't be afraid of giving.
    For a while, we may need to back off from giving as we learn to discern the difference between healthy giving and caretaking, which leaves us feeling victimized and others feeling resentful.
    This is a temporary spot.
    To be healthy, to do our part in this spiritual way of life, to be part of the endless cycle of the Universe, we need to give and receive.
    Both parts are important.
    What is healthy giving?
    This is a fine-lined behavior each of us must seek to understand for ourselves.  It is giving that feels good and does not leave us feeling victimized.
    It is giving that holds the giver and the receiver in high esteem.
    It is giving based on a desire to do it rather than from a sense of guilt, pity, shame, or obligation.
    It is giving with no strings attached.  Or it is giving based on a clean, direct contract.
    Whether it is giving of our time, efforts, energy, comfort, nurturing, money, or ourselves, it is giving that we can afford.
    Giving is part of the chain of giving and receiving.  We can learn to give in healthy ways; we can learn to give in love.  We need to keep an eye on our giving, to make sure it has not crossed the line into caretaking.  But we need to learn to give in ways that work for us and others.

Today, guide me in my giving.  Help me give to others in healthy ways.  Help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean, and what I can afford.

Fear of Change

"...We lose our fear of the unknown.  We are set free."  Pg. 16

    Life is a series of changes, both large and small.  Although we may know and accept this fact intellectually, chances are that our initial emotional reaction to change is fear.  For some reason, we assume that each and every change is going to hurt, causing us to be miserable.
    If we look back on the changes that have happened in our lives, we'll find that most of them have been for the best.  We were probably very frightened at the prospect of life without drugs, yet it's the best thing that's ever happened to us.  Perhaps we've lost a job that we thought we'd die without, but later on we found greater challenge and personal fulfillment in a new career.  As we venture forth...we're likely to experience more changes.  We will outgrow old situations and become ready for new ones.
    With all sorts of changes taking place, it's only natural to grab hold of something, anything familiar to try and hold on.  Solace can be found in a Power greater than ourselves.  The more we allow changes to happen at the direction of our Higher Power, the more we'll trust that those changes are for the best.  Faith will replace fear, and we'll know in our hearts that all will be well.

Just for today:  When I am afraid of change in my life, I will take comfort from knowing that's God's will for me is good.

Affirmations

    One of our choices in recovery is choosing what we want to think -- using our mental energy positively.
    Positive mental energy, positive thinking, does not mean we think unrealistically or revert to denial.  If we don't like something, we respect our own opinion.  If we spot a problem, we're honest about it.  If something isn't working out, we accept reality.  But we don't dwell on the negative parts of our experience.
    Whatever we give energy to, we empower.
    There is magic in empowering the good, because whatever we empower grows bigger.  One way to empower the good is through affirmations:  simple positive statements we make to ourselves:  I love myself...I'm good enough...My life is good...I'm glad I'm alive today...What I want and need is coming to me...I can...
    Our choices in recovery is not whether to use affirmations.  We've been affirming thoughts and beliefs since we were old enough to speak.  The choice in recovery is what we want to affirm.
    

Today, I will empower the good in myself, others, and life.  I'm willing to release, or let go of, negative thought patterns and replace them with positive ones.  I will choose what I want to affirm, and I will make it good.

Empowerment

    You can think.  You can make good decisions.  You can make choices that are right for you.
    Yes, we all make mistakes from time to time.  But we are not mistakes.
    We can make a new decision that takes new information into account.
    We can change our mind from time to time.  That's our right too.
    We don't have to be intellectuals to make good choices.  In recovery, we have a gift and a goal available to each of us.  The gift is called wisdom.
    Other people can think too.  And that means we no longer have to feel responsible for other people's decisions.
    That also means we are responsible for our choices.
    We can reach out to others for feedback.  We can ask for information.  We can take opinions into account.    But it is our task to make our own decisions.  It is our pleasure and right to have our own opinions.
    We are each free to embrace and enjoy the treasure of our own mind, intellect, and wisdom.

Today, I will treasure the gift of my mind.  I will do my own thinking, make my own choices, and value my opinions.  I will be open to what others think, but I will take responsibility for myself.  I will ask for and trust that The Universe is guiding me.

Valuing our Needs

    When we don't ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves.  We deserve better.
    Maybe others taught us it wasn't polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves.  The truth is, if we don't our utmost wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships.  We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need.  We may end the relationship because it doesn't meet our needs.
    Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need.  Sustained intimacy demands this.
   Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want.  That's called setting a boundary.  We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life.
   Out attitude toward our needs is important too.  We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously.  When we begin to place value and importance on our needs, we'll see a remarkable change.  Our wants and needs will begin to get met.

Today, I will respect the wants and needs of myself and others.  I will tell myself, others, and my Higher Power what I want and need.  I will listen to what they want and need too.

When The Time is Right

    There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next.  Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.
    We can get through these times.  We can rely on our program  and the disciplines of recovery.  We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.
   Accept uncertainty.  We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next.  We do not always have clear direction.  Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.
    It is okay to temporarily be without direction.  Say "I don't know," and be comfortable with that.  We do not have to try and force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
    While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold.  Let go of anxiety and enjoy life.  Relax.  Do something fun.  Enjoy the love and beauty in your life.  Accomplish small tasks.  They may have nothing to do with solving the problem, or finding direection, but this is what we can do in the interim.
    Clarity will come.  The next step will present itself.  Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever.

Today, I will accept my circumstances even if I lack direction and insight.  I will remember to do things that make myself and others feel good during those times.  I will trust that clarity will come of its own accord

Letting Go of Shame

    Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once.  We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
    Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame.  The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
    Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for the shame.
    The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences.  The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original vicitmization.
    We each have our own work, our issues, our recovery tasks.  One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us.  Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator.  We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life.  At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
    We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves.  But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
    Let go of victim shame.  We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because have have been victimized.

Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.

Developing Healthy Tolerance

    Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us.  We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us.
    We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain -- our right to feel it and do something about it.
    Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we became furious and refuse to tolerate any more.
    We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.
    We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people.  We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves.  We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.
    We aren't crazy.  Some behaviors really do bug us.  Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive.
    We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set.  Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.
    We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary.  We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people.  We can establish our rights to have these limits.  We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings -- as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.
    Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.

Help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for myself and others.

Putting Our Life on Hold

    We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be.  That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
    If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.
    That can be hard.  It can feel natural to put our life on hold.  That is when we get caught up in the codependent behaviors:  That person can make me happy...I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy...
    That's a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.
    We can get into this situation in a number of ways.  We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.
    We do not have to put our life on hold.  There will be repercussions from doing this.  Go on with your life.  Take life a day at a time.
    What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?
    How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn't doing?
    What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?
    Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately.  Sometimes, we wait for a while.  Sometimes, things don't work out exactly the way we hoped.  But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.
    And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others.  That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need.
    Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn't work.  All it does is make us miserable, because have stopped living our life.

Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life.  I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love.  If i have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back.  I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.

Letting People Be There For Us

Sometimes, we need nurturing.  Sometimes, we need people to support us.
    Many of us have been deprived of support and nurturing for so long we may not realize it's something we want and need. Many of us have learned to block or stop ourselves from getting what we want and need.
    We may not reach out to have our needs met.  We may be in relationships with people who cannot or will not be available to meet our needs.  Or we may be in relationships with people who would be happy to respond to a direct request from us.
    We may have to give something up to do this.  We may have to let go of our martyr or victim role.  If we ask for what we want and need, and get those needs met, we will not be able to punish people, or push them away later on, for disappointing us.
    We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us.  We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.
    Learn to let others be there for us.