OK...Let's Try This Again

Okay so if you read any of my posts on Facebook yesterday, it was CLEARLY evident that I was not having a good day.  And you'd be absolutely right to assume so:  I was having a flat out SHITTY day and it started right at the moment I woke.  First arguing then overreacting then being angry then having your day not go as you had planned it to go in your mind then placing demands and controlling behaviors on someone who didn't deserve it then even the cashier at Wal-Mart had a shitty attitude and snapped at my mom and I.  Once that happened, that was it for me and in my mind I shouted "THAT'S IT.  I'M DONE PLAYING NICE AND BEING THE BIGGER PERSON."  So I found every floor manager I could find and told them about my experience with said cashier, and I'm pretty sure I got him fired.  My bad #sorrynotsorry

Overall, yesterday sucked and I just flat out had a bad day.  But I'm going to go a step further than that and take some responsibility for my role in it and admit that while yes the day happened as it was going to happen regardless (life on life's terms), I myself didn't respond appropriately or from a place of patience, empathy, understanding, and the serenity that comes with knowing that what will be will be and that life is going to happen as life dictates.  The result was me completely going ape shit on my mom in the car ride home and I can, in retrospect, honestly admit that I ended up sending a lot of my anger and frustration at the day towards her and she bore the worst of it and for that I feel sorry and remorseful.

After having all last night to ruminate over the day and also sleeping on it, I've awoken today with a fresh attitude that stems from the wisdom I gained yesterday by acting the way I did and seeing the results it got me.  Today, I am determined to have a good day, I am determined to keep my emotions and feelings in check and try and stay as self-aware as possible so I know what I'm feeling and why and then act accordingly instead of just reacting and have shit come out wrong or create chaos where there was no reason for chaos in the first place.  Today, I also plan on reminding myself of a lesson I learned yesterday after trying to force or demand my mom say certain things just so that I would feel "better."  I cannot control other people, I don't have the authority or the right to demand things of other people, especially when they are uncomfortable.  I should not base my "being okay" on what somebody else says or does.  I am only responsible for me and my actions and how I choose to respond to what each day throws at me.

So...in a nutshell.  Today is a new day, and I'm going to make it a good one, not one where I'm acting out in my character defects or getting angry at life for not going according to MY plan.  Because to expect that it is going to go according to my plan is unrealistic and stupid.  Life will do what it wants.
So again:  new day, new attitude, refreshed outlook.  Gonna make today a good one. :-]

Step Twelve

The Twelfth Step says that having had a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others.  Our message is one of hope, comfort, health -- a better way of life, one that works.
How do we carry it?  Not by rescuing, Not by controlling.  Not by obsessing.  Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways.  We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health.  These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message.  Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message.  All those behaviors carry is codependency.
Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves.  When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well-intentioned "helping" gesture.  We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.

Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work.  I will let go of my need to "help" people.  Instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself.  If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly.  God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope.  I can be a channel to help others when I am ready.  I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.

What I Owe To Myself

I've come to the conclusion that I really need to start implementing the principles of this program into my life if I want my life to change and if I want to change the way I feel and if I want to change how I view my life.  Again, my meeting attendance has slackened and I haven't been to one in 1 week.  I've also realized that a big stumbling block of mine is that I put all or most of my stock into one or two people as my friends, but when they aren't around or available, I find myself lonely and isolated again.  I need to reach out to more of my friends and begin cultivating more substantial, meaningful relationships with friends and broaden my support group instead of placing 100% of the burden on a select few (ie. Anthony).  I've also made the conscious decision to start working the Steps again and am going to buy new notebooks today so I can get busy.  I'm the only one that can change my life and how I perceive and respond to it.  I owe it to myself to do what I need to do to be happy and content.
It's MY responsibility.

Thanksgiving Review and Reflections

I have to say:  this was probably the best Thanksgiving I can remember having in YEARS (since, at minimum, before my mom and Jeff were married).
Mom picked me up around 11am and we spent an hour or so just talking and snacking on food waiting  for Vickie and her family to arrive.  Once they got there we all socialized for a bit but then dinner was served and my mom had put together an AWESOME spread:  turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, gravy, croissants, and mashed potatoes (brought by Vickie).  Needless to say, I ate like the fat girl I am and literally put myself into a food coma because after eating I went and laid down in my mom's room and ended up falling asleep for HOURS (not sure how long) but when I woke up, everyone had already left.  But then, as an end to a day filled with good company and good food, my mom busted out what she bought for me for dessert:  an Adam's Peanut Butter Cup cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory.  I'm sure it goes without saying that it was epic.
Today really got me thinking, though, about what my life looks like today in comparison with one year ago, two years ago, hell, even just a few months ago earlier this year.  It's taken years of struggling, using, self-destructing, a failed and poisonous relationship, homelessness, and a brief stay in Oakland, CA, and a crazy slam-obsessed roommate, but it's all lead here:  to a place where I have so many things to be grateful for that I can't fit them all onto a piece of paper, a place where my mom and I have, probably, the best relationship we've had EVER.  My life is not perfect...far from it in fact; there's still tons of things I need and want to work on and things I want to achieve and acquire and ways in which I want to grow, but for where I'm at today, right now, in this moment...I'm happy.
I'm so grateful and thankful.
Thank you God, thank you Universe for all that you've blessed my life with in such a short amount of time.
I'm so appreciative and thankful.
Thank you.

We Can Trust Ourselves (Can't We?)

For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgement again.
"The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity," said one recovering woman who married a sex addict.  "I can't afford to make another mistake like that."
Many of us have trust people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them.  We may have found these people charming, kind, decent.  There may have been a small voice that said "No -- something's wrong."  Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
The issue may reverberate through our life for years.  Our trust in others may have been shaken, but our trust in ourselves may have been shattered worse.
How could something feel so right, flow so good, and be such a total mistake?  We may wonder.  How can I ever trust my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty?
We may never have the answers.  I believe I needed to make certain "mistakes" to learn critical lessons I'm not certain I would have otherwise learned.  We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves.  We cannot afford to function with fear.
If we are always making the wrong decision in business, or in love, we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves.
But most of us do improve.  We learn.  We grow from our mistakes.  Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve.  Our business choices improve.  Our decisions about how to handle situations with friends or children improve.  We benefit from our mistakes.  We benefit from our past.  And if we have made mistakes, we needed to make them in order to learn along the way.

Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past.  I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgement today.  I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all.  I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes.  I will try to look at all my good decisions too.  I will keep a watchful eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life.

11/26/14 Gratitude List & Journal Entry

Gratitude
NA
meetings
Shaun
Anthony
my cell  phone
my lap top
my apartment
SS Disability
my budget report
my health
medical coverage/insurance
AFAN
So. Nevada Regional Housing Authority
forgiveness
humility
self-care
my books
writing
reading
patience
admitting when I'm wrong/have made a mistake
doing the next right thing
taking care of my responsibilities
my Higher Power
being selfless./of service
courage
honesty
open-mindedness
willingness
perseverance
getting into the solution
coffee
cigarettes
remembering it's more important to understand than be understood

****************************************************

11/26/14....6:45am

So I just finished writing my daily gratitude list and I couldn't believe it at first, but I reviewed my list a couple times and realized two things:  1- I have A LOT to be grateful for and with this in mind I can't help but start my day with a smile on my face and an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for all the things my Higher Power and the Universe has blessed me with and 2- I have so many things I was able to list being grateful for that I ran out of space on the page.  Despite all my ups and downs, despite all my mistakes, despite all the chaos I find ways of creating, despite it all, I still have so many blessings, gifts,  and things to be grateful for that (at least at the moment) I have a hard time thinking of something negative to focus on or anything that's so terrible that it would ruin my day.

Michael

Notes From Last Night

So this was found written in my journal after some events from last night.  Think of this as my own version of Text From Last Night.  Names will be left out to protect anonymity of involved parties.

11-25-2014
"M___y is TOE UP.  I walked in and some insufferable fat orange queen in the 'act' (meaning they were naked and sifting through BBRT for the fifth time in 10 minutes) and basically ruined the party.  You're welcome bitch."

A______ G_____"

Then from later in the evening:

 The orange queen mentioned earlier turned out to be a bitter angry drunk.  Time to kick him out.  And it's time for T__y to take me to Jack in The Box.  I didn't get fat by NOT going through the drive thru."

Hi, trainwreck, party of 1?  All I know is I owe a certain friend of mine BIG time for showing up last night.  He showed up in more than just the literal sense, he showed up in every possible way:  as a friend, as a person, as a human being.  Thank you, you know who you are.  xoxo

From "The 10 Commandments of How to Get Along With People"

5.  Don't burden or depress those around you by dwelling on your minor aches and pains and small disappointments.  Remember, everyone is carrying some kind of burden, often heaver than your own.
6.  Keep an open mind.  Discuss, but don't argue.  It is the mark of a superior mind to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.
7.  Let your virtues, if you have any, speak for themselves.  Refuse to talk of other's vices.  Discourage gossip.  It is a waste of valuable time, and can be extremely destructive.
8.  Be careful of another's feelings.  Wit and humor at another person's expense may do more damage than you will ever know.
9.  Pay no attention to disparaging remarks.  Remember, the person who carried the message may not be the most accurate reporter in the world, and things become twisted in the retelling.  Live so that nobody will believe them.

My First Budget

I finally got the finances/money issue worked out with mom.  Turns out that making and actually writing down a budget/expense report was all she wanted.  it also turns out that it was the best thing I could've done because I was able to actually see where my money is going each month and how much is being spent in each category as well as how much I have in savings.  With this knowledge I can plan for expenses appropriately and responsibly and not ever back myself into a corner and wind up not being able to pay my rent or some other bill.  Plus with a full overview of all my expenses, we were able to agree on a set amount I get every month for play money.  So I have play money now!!!  I'm glad that not only did the situation resolve itself, but I also benefitted from the outcome and feel good about that outcome.

=]

Attitude

Attitude, by Charles Swindoll

     The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me, is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do.  It's more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.  It will make or break a company, a church, or a home.  The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past; we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have and that is our attitude.
     I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you.  We are in charge of our attitudes.

Flying Solo After All?

I won't go into too much detail regarding the current situation as some of the details need not be discussed, but in a nutshell, I feel like I just got abandoned; that dick was a higher priority than hanging out with a friend.  Don't get me wrong:  I fully endorse, support, and approve of getting dick.  But earlier this evening, in response to a question posed regarding what would happen in a situation similar to exactly what did happen, I responded with my statement that I would never just ditch the person in question if the possibility of a trick came up; that once I committed to hanging out with you, that's what I was doing and that I wouldn't just bail as soon as a hot trick popped up.

But a hot trick apparently did pop up for my friend and I got left in the dust and a lot of feelings of rejection got stirred up and I feel like I'm just some sideshow prop that my friend can come back to whenever it's convenient for him.  Am I being a cock block?  I can't tell...it's just so frustrating after having said that I WOULDN'T do exactly what he did just a few hours earlier in the evening, then he turns around and does that exact thing.

So yet again, here I am...flying solo :-/

On the plus side:  the time alone was utilized very efficiently because with that time I was able to create and complete my very first comprehensive budget/financial report of what my expenses/funds/savings look like right now.  Now armed with this information hopefully I can get the parental unit to ease up on her control of MY money.

Wannabe Suze Orman

So, I'm really fucking irritated right now.  All I asked for was to know the balance of the bank account for the debit card that my mom gave me access to.  But that was denied and then turned into this huge conversation that, to sum up, basically re-affirmed the reality that she has placed herself as the gatekeeper to every penny of the Social Security funds and the guard against any access to it.  I have to go through her.  The conversation ended with her saying:

"Once you have a monthly budget with your expenses covered you can decide what amount you want to designate as extra spending money and you can do whatever you want with it."

I can appreciate and respect her wanting to help me budget my finances and her wanting to spend with caution and save wherever/however I can.  But this is way over-stepping her bounds and giving her total control over my financial life and it is not sitting well with me.  Yes she's responsible for the distribution of my Social Security monies as she was appointed "Rep Payee" by the Administration...But ultimately it is MY money and there are things that are now possible for me to do that for the past 2 years I could only DREAM of.  This does not sit well with me at all and she better believe that this discussion and topic is far from over.

*annoyed*

My Dream Playlist

After selecting some of my favorite tracks right now, and also being introduced to some new KILLER ones from Anthony, I've compiled my dream playlist that I'd love to have mixed together and would drive me absolutely bananas if I heard it live, here's what the finished product looks like:

1.  Oceanlab - Satellite (Seven Lions Remix)
2.  Swedish House Mafia - Greyhound
3.  Martin Solveig - The Night Out (Madeon Remix)
4.  Zedd feat. Hayley Williams - Stay the Night (Zedd & Kevin Drew Remix)
5.  Tritonal - Anchor
6.  Bastille - Pompeii (Audien Remix)
7.  Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love (Seven Lions Remix)
8.  Seven Lions - Strangers (Feat. Tove Lo)
9.  Dada Life - Rolling Stones T-Shirt
10.Deadmau5 - Professional Griefers (Feat. Gerard Way)
11.Pendulum - The Island (Steve Angello, AN21, & Max Vangeli Remix)
12.Dada Life - Born To Rage (Feat. Sebastian Bach)
13.Knife Party - Begin Again
14.Wynter Gordon - Till Death (R3hab Remix)
15.Galantis - You (Original Mix)
16.Deorro - Dechorro (Original Mix)
17.Sebastian Ingrosso & Tommy Trash Feat. John Martin - Reload (Vocal Extended Mix)
18.Swedish House Mafia - Save The World

Now THAT is epic.

Getting Back Into It

So after not having been to a meeting in 2 weeks, today is finally the day that I'm getting my ass back to not only 1, but 2 meetings today.  My sponsor is picking me up and taking me to Not High at Noon, then later my mom is taking me to a 6pm meeting up in Summerlin.  I don't really have anything specific I can think of that I want to share about just yet, but I'm more looking forward to just being there and listening and soaking in the recovery and experience I hear from others.

I also have a doctor's appointment today.  This one is for my routine blood work review to check my CD4 count and viral load to make sure everything looks okay.  I have no real reason to be afraid that the results won't come back looking good since I'm RELIGIOUS and really good about taking my meds, but there's always that fear that pops up in the back of my mind that says "this time it's gonna come back looking bad, this is the time you're going to find out you're dying."  Totally unrealistic, I know, give what past results and experiences show, but my brain always likes to catastrophize everything and expect the worst.\

Today is also the first day in over a week that I might not see T__y either.  I wanna see him and miss my buddy already, but I know I need to take a self-care/me day and also start off a pattern of regular meeting attendance again after not having gone for this long and isolating in my apartment and thinking I can do this alone and that I'd be fine.  Now, I realize just how wrong I was that, if left alone with my own brain as my only company/feedback/and sounding board, I will, without a doubt, drive myself right off a fucking cliff and go totally batshit crazy.

Not cute.

Abscess

This abscess on my arm is really starting to bother me.  It's starting to turn red and it hurts and is really sore.  It's my own damn fault and that's the risk I took when I decided to slam so I have no one to blame or be upset with but myself.

I also still haven't been to a meeting.  I was going to try to go to Not High at Noon today but my friend asked me if I could help him and his mom move today so I agreed to help because it will provide me with an opportunity to be of service and get out of myself and my own head.  I still need to get to a meeting ASAP though.  Not so much for the chance to share where I'm at, but to have interaction and relation with other addicts in recovery.  After not having been to a meeting in 2 weeks, I can feel the effect it's having on me:  I'm completely self-obsessed, impatient, isolated, and feel like I'm totally alone and I know that I can't recover and maintain recovery alone.  I need other people, I need support, I need identification, empathy, and relation.  Self-will alone will only prove to drive me further into isolation and insanity.

I can't do this alone.

Traits I Need To Work On

Had some time to get introspective and think about some things I know are wrong with me but that I'd like to address and change....here's what I came up with.  Was kinda depressing to read over it when I was done but hey, it's honest.

Selfish/self-centered

codependent

need for approval

impatient

manipulative

dishonest/deceitful

thieving

isolatory

stubborn

close-minded

self-defeating

lazy

wanting instant gratification

wanting to be in control of everyone/everything around me (control freak)

perfectionism

ungrateful

undisciplined

self-obsessed

untrusting

lack of faith

inconsiderate of other's wants/needs/feelings

negative self-image

total lack of confidence in myself

self-destructive/self-sabotaging'

overly sensitive

unrealistic expectations of myself and others

promiscuous

lack of ability for self-care/self-soothing

unable to maintain long-lasting relationships

cynical

bleh.  That was depressing

Isolation

I think I'm getting sick.  I've got that constant drip in the back of my throat and am developing a cough and it's not cute.  Good thing I have a doctor's appointment on Friday.

I'm really struggling with strong feelings of loneliness right now.  Sitting in this apartment day in day out without anyone to talk to is starting to take its toll on me.  I also haven't been to a meeting in over 2 weeks so that might have something to do with it.  I;m also realizing that I'm putting all my eggs in one basket as far as T__y goes.  Ye's he's back in Vegas and yes we've gotten close; yes we spend a lot of time together and yes he comes over a lot to spend time with me, but I can't expect him to be here 24/7 or that I can monopolize all his time and not have him have his own life and go do other things.

I guess what I'm getting at is I need to branch out and reach out of my comfort zone and start interacting with other friends again and also definitely get my ass to a meeting ASAP.

Accepting Our Feelings

Why do we struggle so with our feelings?  Why do we work so hard to deny our emotions, especially concerning other people?  They are only feelings!
In the course of a day, we may deny we feel frustrated in reaction to someone who is selling us a service.
We may deny that we feel frustrated, angry, or hurt in reaction to a friend.
We may deny feelings of fear, or anger, toward our children.
We may deny a whole range of feelings toward our spouse or the person with whom we're in a love relationship.
We may deny feelings provoked by people we work for, or by people who work for us.
Sometimes the feelings are a direct reaction to others.
Sometimes people trigger something deeper -- an old sadness or frustration.
Regardless of the source of our feelings, they are still our feelings.  We own them.  And acceptance is often all that is necessary to make them go away.
We don't have to let our feelings control our behavior.  We don;'t have to act on each feeling that passes through us.  We do not need to indulge in inappropriate behavior.
It does help to talk about our feelings with someone we trust.  Sometimes we need to bring our feelings to the person who is triggering them.  That can breed intimacy and closeness.  But the most important person we need to tell is ourselves.  If we allow our feelings to pass through us, accept them, and release them, we shall know what to do next.

Today, I will remember that feelings are an important part of my life.  I will be open to my feelings in family life, in friendships, in love, and at work.  I will feel my feelings without judging myself.

Double Life

So, confession time:  I've been using off and on for the last 2 weeks.  It was fun again at first, but I'm starting to let it get out of control again and it's taking over my life and putting everything important to me at risk of being lost.

I'm overall not happy with myself when sober because of my body image insecurities and my weight and because I'm alone in this apartment so much.
So I thought getting high would fix all that; that I wouldn't be lonely anymore.  That I'd lose weight and be skinny again, that I'd have my sexual appeal back and look, act, and feel confident again with who I am.  But after 2 weeks, I've realized that I'm not happy using either because I'm not just instantly skinny, I primarily get high alone so I'm still isolating myself, and all my insecurities about my weight are amplified.

So I have no idea why I even want to keep using because it's only perpetuating my insecurities and loneliness and isolation and leaving me feeling even more destitute than ever.

When the drugs stop working, maybe it's time to put them down.

"We Got in a Fight"

I know the title of this blog sounds so juvenile and is reminiscent of being a kid and saying "mommy and daddy got in a fight"...but it's the best way to sum up something that happened between me and a friend yesterday that is still affecting me today and has completely ruined not only yesterday, but left me in a foul mood today as well.

Regarding yesterday and the incident in question, while I can't and shouldn't go into specific details regarding the exact cause of the fight, I can fast forward to the fact that it caused a very close and important friend of mine to completely blow a gasket and get launched into a full blown panic and rage.  In retrospect, while I freely admit that there were things that I should've said or handled differently when all this was going down, I can't help but stick to a strong conviction that I have that whatever I said or did wouldn't have made a difference because the things that I did say or try to do in my defense or to explain regarding the situation were only shot down or mocked or completely disregarded by my friend.  When this happens and I feel as though my words are going in one ear and out the other without any regard or consideration, I shut down and shut up and just let the other person continue on in the chaos and insanity without me.  So this basically lead to a very uncomfortable car ride home in which I sat quietly in the car as my friend called me a piece of shit and accused me of not caring or giving a shit about him and his valuable time and also tell me that after that day, we probably won't be friends anymore and that I shouldn't expect to hear from him.

Now I'm not reporting his tongue lashing and harsh words to paint him in a bad light.  He was extremely frustrated and clearly having an anxiety attack so I can overlook all that was said because as one who has been afflicted by anxiety/panic attacks in the past (and as one who does irrational things when caught in anger's grip) I can completely understand and empathize with him and the fact that he wasn't thinking rationally and probably didn't mean a lot of the things he said.  However, while I have a hunch he didn't mean the majority of the hurtful things he said, his epithet still had an effect on me and has left me in a foul, stanky funk all day yesterday and all day today.  At first I was confused as to why I was letting what he said affect me so deeply, but I think I've figured it out:  while normally when someone goes off on me, calls me names, tells me "what's wrong with me" etc etc...I can usually easily just shrug it off and ignore the comments and their speaker's validity because if it's coming from someone I could give 2 shits about, then why would I care what their opinion of me is or what they have to say at all?  However, the harsh words and criticisms and rage was all coming from someone that I DO care about and someone who's opinion of me matters a great deal.  So I guess since the person saying these things is someone I care for and respect, the words soared right past my defenses and nailed me right to the core.  For the remainder of the day yesterday and all day today, I've felt completely worthless and keep hearing my friends words in my head and I feel like a total failure as a person and as a friend.  I guess to me and my brain, it's not so important what is said, but rather who says it, that determines what kind of effect it'll have on me.

In a nutshell...as the blog title says:  "we got in a fight" and it's really upset me and I'm very afraid that I've lost a very good friend in the process, just after having gotten him back after him living in another city for the past 5 years.  I don't know how this will all work itself out, but I'm praying for some resolution :-/

And if by any chance the person in question finds his way to this blog and is reading this:  again, I'm very very sorry on so many levels for many things and I took all of what you said to heart and I know I'm a shitty person and a piece of shit and I'm sorry.

Fighting For Survival: How Bad do you REALLY want to recover?

It amazes me how people in dire situations and are currently living in a state of crisis do nothing but perpetuate the crisis, wallow in negativity, and are so full of ego that they shut down and refuse any potential avenue of help that presents itself.

After having lived like this for 2 years, I can see right through all the bullshit and smoke screens and have no patience or tolerance for this.  When you're fighting for survival you need to be open to whatever avenues of help that present themselves because it could help you move forward.  If you only want help YOUR way and don't do whatever it takes for you to be okay, you will stay stuck in your rut and negativity and your problem because it's YOU who got you there in the first place.

"Our best thinking got us into trouble" is an absolute true statement.  If we are unwilling to take suggestions or be open-minded to do whatever it takes, we won't get anywhere or recover from whatever ails us.

I've recently had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting someone in dire straights and am amazed at their inability to do nothing  but exude negativity, wallow in how much of a victim they are, are completely close-minded to any and all suggestions for help other than the ones that coincide with how they think the help should come, and are so full of themselves and are bursting with self-importance and ego that they think and behave as if the entire world and everyone around him should adapt to THEM and THEIR wants and needs, not that HE should learn to adapt to LIFE if that's what it will take to survive.

As one having experienced this, I don't have the patience or tolerance for someone like this, nor do I want to be around them and let them drag me down with them.

Get the fuck away from me and out of my life.  Go somewhere else if you wish to continue to destroy yours and refuse the help that the universe presents to you.  YOUR way obviously doesn't work but you won't admit that you have NO idea how to fix your current situation, but you just want to blame it on everyone else and on circumstance.  The world won't adapt to your whims and wants, you need to adapt to IT.  It's called LIFE motherfucker.  Deal with it.