So guess who's alive and still in California still trying to make a buck and come up? Yep. Him. And now, he's texting and messaging me with sob stories of how a certain somebody else (yet another retarded psychopath that shall remain nameless for anonymity purposes) cost him this or that much money because he did this or that. Really motherfucker? How about the almost $300 you cost me to A- support helping us survive on the trip and B- just for me to escape for your lunatic ass and get the fuck home. And now he's trying to garner sympathy or pity from me? HA. Good luck.
Other than that, the last few days have been peaceful *knock on wood.* The big NA convention is this weekend and it kicks off today. My friend A_____ is picking me up at 1:30 and we're due at the Orleans by 2, and then I'm chairing one of the meetings of the marathon meetings at 3 pm. I know I need to push myself and stay there as long as I can today to soak in as much recovery and messages of hope and healing that I can, but I'm sure by 6 or 7 I'll be ready to bounce and head home. Plus there's the rest of the weekend to go so it's not like I have to get "recovered" up completely all in one day. On the side, I have to make sure I monitor my extracurricular activities as well so I'm presentable at the convention and lucid and coherent. So no misbehaving for me this weekend.
Not that much at least.... ;-]
Friday, October 30, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
10/29/2015
Nothing momentous to report at this point. Been a quiet last couple of days since I separated myself from a certain somebody and left them in Palm Springs. Things have a way of timing too (which, to me, is the Universe/God in action) because things settled down just in time for the big NA convention this weekend, which, btw, I have a commitment for and am chairing one of the meetings on Saturday I believe. I woke up this morning, however, with a voicemail waiting for me from him. It was entirely unintelligible and I couldn't make out a word he was saying as he was slurring his words and was mainly speaking jibberish, which means he's in pretty bad shape as I know that he's at Eisenhower hospital out in Rancho Mirage, CA (how he got there and why he's there, I have no fucking clue since he was supposed to be heading back to Vegas). Looks like I jumped ship just in time. If you want to go on a suicide run and run your life into the ground, that's fine, that's your choice, but you will not drag me down and take me out with you. I'm not without compassion and empathy as I've been where he's been and have felt exactly as he's feeling now, but he needs to see that there's a way out and that there are other solutions than just the ones he's coming up with in his own head, which only involve self-destruction and death and wreckage and self-sabotage and isolation and desperation. I just hope he sees some of those solutions or becomes a little open-minded enough to consider trying something different before he dies in that hospital, because from what I know of his current health status, his future is looking very bleak at this point in time and while I'm still firm on my boundaries that I've set and that I needed to separate myself from him, I'm not without empathy and compassion and sympathy for his plight so I took his number off block and sent him a text message. We'll see what he says and what the prognosis is at the hospital, but other than that there's nothing I can do for him and no help I can (or should) offer him, as this is one of those times where you need to figure out a solution for yourself because in it is a valuable lesson that you clearly need to learn. I spent 2 years being homeless, have had an intervention, and have been to rehab twice, and I can firmly tell you that each of those experiences is valued and treasured in my mind because they taught me things and life lessons and principles that are absolutely essential to who I am today and what I know today about myself, the truth, and reality. So maybe this is just his process of growth and I need to step back and let it run its course, regardless of how much pain and suffering he has to endure, because sometimes, after all that pain and suffering, you emerge out the other side a newer, updated, upgraded, better version of yourself. I just hope he doesn't die in the process.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Me or You?
Well I finally made contact with T___. Told him I'm home. Apparently he's been worried sick about me and hasn't left Palm Springs because he has been trying to find me first. And he's now apologizing left and right. I feel bad that he's going to come back to Vegas only to find out that he has nowhere to live again because last night I packed up all his belongings and got everything ready for him to pick up when he's able to come by and get them. I have to remind myself that I didn't turn on him or abandon him; he pushed ME away and manifested exactly what he bitches about happening to him all the time. I did the best I could to be his friend and to support him. But he's too proud, egotistical, self-centered, angry, and immature to know how to have a healthy relationship with anybody. Not my problem. When it comes down to it, the choice between you and me, I choose me.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Valuable Lesson After a Total Nightmare
The last 3 days have been an absolute nightmare. That new obsession I referred to in my last blog post turned out to be a total suicidal thug psychopath that was a direct threat to my safety and, most likely, my life. Long story short, I found myself alone, stranded, in Palm Springs, CA and left to fend for myself. But, being the person I am, survival mode kicked in and to sum it all up, I made it from Palm Springs back to Vegas overnight completely on my own through my own resources and survival skills and drive to find a solution instead of being stuck in being a victim and being stuck in the problem. I've learned a valuable lesson through this whole experience, and it is NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY.....jk....But seriously it is to not really trust anyone, only the select few people you find through life that are true, quality individuals that prove they are different from the rest, that they are like-minded as you as far as morals and quality of character and mindset. I'm just grateful to be alive and home and in one piece.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
New Obsession
So of course, just after I reaffirm that my focus needs to be on recovery right now, and that everything else needs to fall down the ladder of priorities and make going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, and soaking in the NA program as my number 1 goal...of course, God sends me somebody new that pops up in my life and is dropped in my lap. And of course, because I'm codependent and always a sucker for looking for someone to save, I invite this person into my life. It's been an interesting week, but I've gained a new friend and from what I've seen so far he's pretty awesome. I just have to keep myself in check and not project. But if some of you have been wondering why I've been unavailable all week or busy, it's because of this new person. So we shall see.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Surrender -- October 23
"By surrendering control, we gain a far greater power."
Basic Text, page 44
When we were using, we did everything we could to run things our way. We used every scheme imaginable to bring our world under control. When we got what we wanted, we felt powerful, invincible; when we didn't, we felt vulnerable, defeated. But that didn't stop us -- it only led to more efforts to control and manipulate our lives into a manageable state.
Scheming was our way of denying our powerlessness. As long as we could distract ourselves with our plans, we could put off accepting that we were out of control. Only gradually did we realize that our lives had become unmanageable and that all the conning and manipulating in the world was not going to put our lives back in order.
When we admit our powerlessness, we stop trying to control and manage our way to a better life -- we surrender. Lacking sufficient power of our own, we seek a Power greater than ourselves; needing support and guidance, we ask that Power to care for our will and our lives. We ask others in recovery to share their experience with living the NA program instead of trying to program our own lives. The power and direction we seek is all around us; we need only turn away from self to find it.
Just for Today: I will not try to scheme and manipulate my way to a manageable life. Through the NA program, I will surrender myself to my Higher Power's care.
Basic Text, page 44
When we were using, we did everything we could to run things our way. We used every scheme imaginable to bring our world under control. When we got what we wanted, we felt powerful, invincible; when we didn't, we felt vulnerable, defeated. But that didn't stop us -- it only led to more efforts to control and manipulate our lives into a manageable state.
Scheming was our way of denying our powerlessness. As long as we could distract ourselves with our plans, we could put off accepting that we were out of control. Only gradually did we realize that our lives had become unmanageable and that all the conning and manipulating in the world was not going to put our lives back in order.
When we admit our powerlessness, we stop trying to control and manage our way to a better life -- we surrender. Lacking sufficient power of our own, we seek a Power greater than ourselves; needing support and guidance, we ask that Power to care for our will and our lives. We ask others in recovery to share their experience with living the NA program instead of trying to program our own lives. The power and direction we seek is all around us; we need only turn away from self to find it.
Just for Today: I will not try to scheme and manipulate my way to a manageable life. Through the NA program, I will surrender myself to my Higher Power's care.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Look who's talking -- October 22
"Our disease is so cunning that it can get us into impossible situations."
Basic text, page. 83
Some of us say, "My disease is talking to me." Other say, "My head won't turn off." Still o0thers refer to "the committee in my mind" or "the monkey on my back." Let's face it. We suffer from an iucurable malady that continues to affect us, even in recovery. Our disease gives us warped information about what's going on in our lives. It tells us not to look at ourselves because what we'll see is too scary. Sometimes it tells us we're not responsible for ourselves and our actions; other times, it tells us that everything wrong with the world is our fault. Our disease tricks us into trusting it.
The NA program provides us with many voices that counter our addiction, voices we can trust. We can call our sponsor for a reality check. We can listen to the voice of an addict trying to get clean. The ultimate solution is to work the steps and draw on the strength of a Higher Power. That will get us through those times when "our disease is talking."
Just for today: I will ignore the "voice" of my addiction. I will listen to the voice of my program and a Power greater than myself.
Basic text, page. 83
Some of us say, "My disease is talking to me." Other say, "My head won't turn off." Still o0thers refer to "the committee in my mind" or "the monkey on my back." Let's face it. We suffer from an iucurable malady that continues to affect us, even in recovery. Our disease gives us warped information about what's going on in our lives. It tells us not to look at ourselves because what we'll see is too scary. Sometimes it tells us we're not responsible for ourselves and our actions; other times, it tells us that everything wrong with the world is our fault. Our disease tricks us into trusting it.
The NA program provides us with many voices that counter our addiction, voices we can trust. We can call our sponsor for a reality check. We can listen to the voice of an addict trying to get clean. The ultimate solution is to work the steps and draw on the strength of a Higher Power. That will get us through those times when "our disease is talking."
Just for today: I will ignore the "voice" of my addiction. I will listen to the voice of my program and a Power greater than myself.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Financial Responsibility -- October 21
This was today's reading from the Language of Letting Go. Considering what's been going on in my life over the past week with the chaos of the short-lived job search and all the fear I'm running on regarding money, this came at just the right time:
"When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess stone cold sober, and I really had a mess," said one woman.
"I wasn't able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make amends. I had past due bills from years before. I needed to try to stay current with my new bills. I had a lot more money before I sobered up. But in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up. I restored my credit. I had a checking account. I had a little money in the bank.
"Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency -- the hard way. I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had made with my financial affairs. My husband and I opened a checking account together, and he overdrafted checks until I lost the right to have a checking account. I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he drove that into the ground.
"We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat -- and we borrowed a lot from my parents," she said. "By the time I began my recovery from codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess. I was furious, but it didn't matter who did what. I had some serious financial matters to face if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.
"Slowly -- very slowly -- I began to work out my mess. It seemed impossible! I didn't even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and hopeless. But I did. And each day I did the best I could to be responsible for myself.
"One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially form my husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced. The other decision I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my life.
"It was difficult. We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to produce income had dramatically decreased. I was grieving; my self-esteem was at an all-time low; my energy was low. I did not know how I would ever untangle this nightmare. But it did happen. Slowly, gradually, with the help of a Higher Power, manageability crept in and replaced chaos.
"I began by not spending more than I earned. I paid back some creditors, a little at a time. I let go of what I couldn't do, and focused on what I could do.
"Now, eight years have passed. I am debt free, which I never imagined possible. I am living comfortably, with money in the bank. My credit has been restored, again. And I intend to keep it that way.
"I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for love or for alcoholism. With the help of God and the Twelve Steps, I won't have to."
One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery -- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. It may get worse before it gets better -- because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it. But once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we are on our way.
God, help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved tomorrow, even if I don't see the solution. If I have allowed the problems of others to hurt my financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries around money -- and what I am willing to lose. Help me understand that I do not have to allow anyone else's financial irresponsibility, addiction, disease, or problem to hurt me financially. Help me go on with my life in spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.
"When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess stone cold sober, and I really had a mess," said one woman.
"I wasn't able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make amends. I had past due bills from years before. I needed to try to stay current with my new bills. I had a lot more money before I sobered up. But in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up. I restored my credit. I had a checking account. I had a little money in the bank.
"Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency -- the hard way. I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had made with my financial affairs. My husband and I opened a checking account together, and he overdrafted checks until I lost the right to have a checking account. I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he drove that into the ground.
"We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat -- and we borrowed a lot from my parents," she said. "By the time I began my recovery from codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess. I was furious, but it didn't matter who did what. I had some serious financial matters to face if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.
"Slowly -- very slowly -- I began to work out my mess. It seemed impossible! I didn't even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and hopeless. But I did. And each day I did the best I could to be responsible for myself.
"One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially form my husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced. The other decision I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my life.
"It was difficult. We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to produce income had dramatically decreased. I was grieving; my self-esteem was at an all-time low; my energy was low. I did not know how I would ever untangle this nightmare. But it did happen. Slowly, gradually, with the help of a Higher Power, manageability crept in and replaced chaos.
"I began by not spending more than I earned. I paid back some creditors, a little at a time. I let go of what I couldn't do, and focused on what I could do.
"Now, eight years have passed. I am debt free, which I never imagined possible. I am living comfortably, with money in the bank. My credit has been restored, again. And I intend to keep it that way.
"I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for love or for alcoholism. With the help of God and the Twelve Steps, I won't have to."
One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery -- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. It may get worse before it gets better -- because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it. But once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we are on our way.
God, help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved tomorrow, even if I don't see the solution. If I have allowed the problems of others to hurt my financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries around money -- and what I am willing to lose. Help me understand that I do not have to allow anyone else's financial irresponsibility, addiction, disease, or problem to hurt me financially. Help me go on with my life in spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Show time
Good morning faithful viewers. So yesterday I expressed my concerns regarding my level of preparedness for an interview (any interview for that matter) and that I didn't feel as though I was properly equipped and outfitted for success and making a good first impression. Despite the owner of this real estate company's insistence, I did, eventually, get her to agree to push the interview back from yesterday until today, later this morning. Given that extra time, I was able to get in touch with my mom (who had just gotten back into town from a week long trip to New York) and she was able to take me shopping to go get the missing elements of my desired "successful interview" outfit. It also gave me time to talk to her about the current situation, and what I need to keep in mind in moving forward with finding a job and what that would mean to my current disability benefits as well as my medical benefits/insurance coverage. Turns out that there's a lot of research and information I need to review first before I make any decision if a job IS offered to me. While I may be only pulling in a whimpy, very low dollar amount of money every month with disability benefits, it also means that I'm qualified for medicare coverage that has basically been paying for all my medical expenses, 100% (co-pays for doctor's visits, prescriptions, etc.). So to get a job is a toss up with some of the benefits as well as some of the things that I would be giving up and I need to closely examine what re-joining the work force would mean, and, depending, on the consequences, decide if I even should continue in the hunt for a job.
While this job hunt is going on, I had a friend remind me yesterday that I need to not let my focus shift from recovery because if and when I do re-join the work force, life is going to come at me fast and hard, and that without recovery, I won't be able to handle any of it because I'm still too new (again). And I realized she had a point, because without my recovery, I'm a nutcase and I don't process/cope with life on life's terms very well and end up reacting and behaving in ways that are very unbecoming of someone who is trying to better themselves or trying to re-establish a, relatively, normal, productive life and has a job just like everybody else. So after my interview this morning< I'm going to make my way to the 3M Club for a meeting at 2:30 and make sure I continue to make it to at least one meeting a day, regardless of whatever else is going on (which is what my sponsor had previously instructed me to do for the next 30 days anyway).
That whole concept does have me somewhat concerned as I hadn't given it much, or enough, thought as to how I would go about working full time AND managing to maintain a steady program of recovery. If, for example, I were to receive an offer for the job I'm interviewing for today, I would be working Monday through Friday 8:30am to 5:30pm, then would need to find time for a meeting sometime after work. That is a LONG day. Am I ready/prepared to do that? I don't know. How badly do I want this? (both recovery and the job). Because without my recovery and a program, everything else is in jeopardy and will go away, but not having a job and something to do with all my time and energy is driving me crazy and affecting my self-esteem because I've lately realized that I'm plagued by feelings of lacking any sense of direction or purpose; that I'm just kind of drifting through the currents of life as they come, not really going any which way or the other, and that I'm just kind of stagnating. I don't know...these are all the questions and things to think about that came to surface yesterday as my mom and I talked, so I need to really do some digging for some answers about the repercussions of becoming somebody's employee again; answers to what affect it will have on my current status within the realm of disability and medical coverage, and what effect having a job will have on my recovery and if I'm prepared to still apply myself 100% to recovery if I WERE to, somehow, manage to get hired by somebody.
And on one final note: of all fucking days for this to happen, of all goddamn times, TODAY has to be the day where I woke up and I couldn't open my right eye, because it was sealed shut with gunk, because I have motherfucking PINK EYE. And I have that interview today, and another one tomorrow. Awesome first impression right?
While this job hunt is going on, I had a friend remind me yesterday that I need to not let my focus shift from recovery because if and when I do re-join the work force, life is going to come at me fast and hard, and that without recovery, I won't be able to handle any of it because I'm still too new (again). And I realized she had a point, because without my recovery, I'm a nutcase and I don't process/cope with life on life's terms very well and end up reacting and behaving in ways that are very unbecoming of someone who is trying to better themselves or trying to re-establish a, relatively, normal, productive life and has a job just like everybody else. So after my interview this morning< I'm going to make my way to the 3M Club for a meeting at 2:30 and make sure I continue to make it to at least one meeting a day, regardless of whatever else is going on (which is what my sponsor had previously instructed me to do for the next 30 days anyway).
That whole concept does have me somewhat concerned as I hadn't given it much, or enough, thought as to how I would go about working full time AND managing to maintain a steady program of recovery. If, for example, I were to receive an offer for the job I'm interviewing for today, I would be working Monday through Friday 8:30am to 5:30pm, then would need to find time for a meeting sometime after work. That is a LONG day. Am I ready/prepared to do that? I don't know. How badly do I want this? (both recovery and the job). Because without my recovery and a program, everything else is in jeopardy and will go away, but not having a job and something to do with all my time and energy is driving me crazy and affecting my self-esteem because I've lately realized that I'm plagued by feelings of lacking any sense of direction or purpose; that I'm just kind of drifting through the currents of life as they come, not really going any which way or the other, and that I'm just kind of stagnating. I don't know...these are all the questions and things to think about that came to surface yesterday as my mom and I talked, so I need to really do some digging for some answers about the repercussions of becoming somebody's employee again; answers to what affect it will have on my current status within the realm of disability and medical coverage, and what effect having a job will have on my recovery and if I'm prepared to still apply myself 100% to recovery if I WERE to, somehow, manage to get hired by somebody.
And on one final note: of all fucking days for this to happen, of all goddamn times, TODAY has to be the day where I woke up and I couldn't open my right eye, because it was sealed shut with gunk, because I have motherfucking PINK EYE. And I have that interview today, and another one tomorrow. Awesome first impression right?
Detaching with Love -- October 20
Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.
When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play -- an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
Often it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.
The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful -- getting centered and restoring our balance.
Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.
Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.
When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play -- an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
Often it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.
The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful -- getting centered and restoring our balance.
Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.
Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Slow your roll dude
So in my last entry, I informed all you viewers out there that, by some miraculous blessing from above, I received a response back about my resume and cover letter email I had sent to a local real estate company looking for a property manager's assistant. After what was apparently a successful phone interview in which I said everything the realtor needed to hear, she asked if I could come in today for a trial shift and work 8:30 am to 5:30 pm and see how I fit in the position. Without a second thought or hesitation I immediately said yes. As I processed this last night, and then this morning after waking up, however, I realized that I definitely made quite the folly.
It's not that I don't want the position. I actually really do want it and think that I'd be a perfect fit for what they're looking for. The problem is, I'm just not prepared to show up for a first day at a new job and be fully prepared, equipped, and dressed appropriately and ready to knock their fucking socks off; it is just too soon to just jump right in and expect to make a good first impression. For starters (as an example), I don't even have any slacks/dress pants that are work appropriate. All I have are jeans, and she said the office dress code attire is business casual, and I am not about to walk into my first day at a new job wearing jeans thinking that I'll be taken seriously and look professional for my first impression (and first impressions are EVERYTHING). I don't even have a black/leather belt to wear with said pants, and I don't have a work acceptable day-bag/messenger bag, all I have are backpacks because I'm usually out in sandals in shorts on the bus with my back pack lookin' like a college student every day. So basically: I'm not ready to show up at a new job fully prepared and know that I'm going to exceed expectations. And if I'm not fully prepared and don't have my bases covered and am not ready to wow them immediately upon meeting me and seeing what I'm capable of and what I can bring to their office, then I won't go until I AM ready, because I want to show them that I would be taking this job seriously, and that I am there to wow them, not disappoint them by showing up under-dressed, ill-equipped, under-prepared, and just sloppy. So hopefully I can push it back one more day and use today as my "prep" day to get all my affairs in order and hopefully the boss lady (Coco is her name) is willing to reschedule for tomorrow. I really REALLY want this position. I hope it's in the cards for me.
It's not that I don't want the position. I actually really do want it and think that I'd be a perfect fit for what they're looking for. The problem is, I'm just not prepared to show up for a first day at a new job and be fully prepared, equipped, and dressed appropriately and ready to knock their fucking socks off; it is just too soon to just jump right in and expect to make a good first impression. For starters (as an example), I don't even have any slacks/dress pants that are work appropriate. All I have are jeans, and she said the office dress code attire is business casual, and I am not about to walk into my first day at a new job wearing jeans thinking that I'll be taken seriously and look professional for my first impression (and first impressions are EVERYTHING). I don't even have a black/leather belt to wear with said pants, and I don't have a work acceptable day-bag/messenger bag, all I have are backpacks because I'm usually out in sandals in shorts on the bus with my back pack lookin' like a college student every day. So basically: I'm not ready to show up at a new job fully prepared and know that I'm going to exceed expectations. And if I'm not fully prepared and don't have my bases covered and am not ready to wow them immediately upon meeting me and seeing what I'm capable of and what I can bring to their office, then I won't go until I AM ready, because I want to show them that I would be taking this job seriously, and that I am there to wow them, not disappoint them by showing up under-dressed, ill-equipped, under-prepared, and just sloppy. So hopefully I can push it back one more day and use today as my "prep" day to get all my affairs in order and hopefully the boss lady (Coco is her name) is willing to reschedule for tomorrow. I really REALLY want this position. I hope it's in the cards for me.
Our Good Points -- October 19
What's a codependent? The answer's easy. They're some of the most loving, caring people I know.
-Beyond Codependency
We don't need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what's wrong is a core issue to our codependency.
Honestly, fearlessly, ask: "What's right with me? What are my good points?"
"Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?" We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.
"Is there something I do particularly well?" Do I have a strong faith?" Am I good at being there for others?" "Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader?" "Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor?" "Do I brighten people up?" "Am I good at comforting others?" "Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?" "Do I see the best in people?"
These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that's okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we need only to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we're learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.
Today, I will focus on what's right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I've extended to the world.
-Beyond Codependency
We don't need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what's wrong is a core issue to our codependency.
Honestly, fearlessly, ask: "What's right with me? What are my good points?"
"Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?" We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.
"Is there something I do particularly well?" Do I have a strong faith?" Am I good at being there for others?" "Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader?" "Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor?" "Do I brighten people up?" "Am I good at comforting others?" "Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?" "Do I see the best in people?"
These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that's okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we need only to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we're learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.
Today, I will focus on what's right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I've extended to the world.
A Job? Me?
So I recently helped spruce up, update, and re-format a friend's resume in trying to help her prepare for her up-and-coming job hunt. As I was typing out the information on her resume, I found myself stopping and asking myself "wait a minute....why am I not doing this and putting this much effort into my OWN resume and my own life as well?" So after completing her resume, I set about updating and touching up mine, getting it presentation ready. Once that was done, I then spent a large portion of the week combing through job advertisement links and sending out waves and waves of emails with a cover letter and my resume attached. Just chugging along, no expectations of any response from anybody, not really thinking it would produce any results...And lo and behold, not 20 minutes after sending off an email/resume to one particular job advertisement, I received a call from the owner of the company saying they had just received my email and saw my resume and wondered if I had some time for a phone interview. I said yes (trying to not sound too excited but trying to sound like I did in fact care in the first place lol). After about 10 minutes of questions regarding my past history and experience and capabilities, I was then shocked further into stupid when she asked if I could come in tomorrow and work a full day 8:30 to 5:30 on a trial shift and then depending on how the day goes, see about an official job offer from there.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and am still in shock, thinking this is too good to be true. There's some last minute scrambling together of some missing details I need to bring and have equipped but I fully intend to show up to this office tomorrow, step into the role they need, and knock their fucking socks off and land this position. I know it's late, but I've been doing some last minute stuff tonight and then gotta wait till morning to do a couple things before actually going into work, but I think we might just be able to make this happen.
Please God. Please let this be my time for this blessing.
Goodnight. And amen.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and am still in shock, thinking this is too good to be true. There's some last minute scrambling together of some missing details I need to bring and have equipped but I fully intend to show up to this office tomorrow, step into the role they need, and knock their fucking socks off and land this position. I know it's late, but I've been doing some last minute stuff tonight and then gotta wait till morning to do a couple things before actually going into work, but I think we might just be able to make this happen.
Please God. Please let this be my time for this blessing.
Goodnight. And amen.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
October 18 -- Throwing Out the Rule Book
Many of us feel like we need a rule book, a microscope, and a warranty to get through life. We feel uncertain, frightened. We want the security of knowing what's going to happen, and how we shall act.
We don't trust ourselves or life.
We don't trust The Plan.
We want to be in control.
"I've made terrible mistakes about my choices, mistakes that nearly destroyed me. Life has really shocked me. How can I trust myself? How can I trust life, and my instincts after where I've been?" asked one woman.
It is understandable that we fear being crushed again, considering the way many of us were when we bottomed out on our codependency. We don't have to be fearful. We can trust our self, our path, and our instincts.
Yes, we want to avoid making the same mistakes again. We are not the same people we were yesterday or last year. We've learned, grown, changed. We did what we needed to do then. If we made a mistake, we cannot let that stop us from living and fully experiencing today.
We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences -- even our mistakes -- to get to where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our Higher Power, and this new way of life? Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?
We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now. We do not have to punish ourselves with our past. We don't need a rule book, a microscope, a warranty. All we really need is a mirror. We can look into the mirror and say, "I trust you. No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think."
Today, I will stop clinging to painful lessons of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don't know what it is.
We don't trust ourselves or life.
We don't trust The Plan.
We want to be in control.
"I've made terrible mistakes about my choices, mistakes that nearly destroyed me. Life has really shocked me. How can I trust myself? How can I trust life, and my instincts after where I've been?" asked one woman.
It is understandable that we fear being crushed again, considering the way many of us were when we bottomed out on our codependency. We don't have to be fearful. We can trust our self, our path, and our instincts.
Yes, we want to avoid making the same mistakes again. We are not the same people we were yesterday or last year. We've learned, grown, changed. We did what we needed to do then. If we made a mistake, we cannot let that stop us from living and fully experiencing today.
We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences -- even our mistakes -- to get to where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our Higher Power, and this new way of life? Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?
We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now. We do not have to punish ourselves with our past. We don't need a rule book, a microscope, a warranty. All we really need is a mirror. We can look into the mirror and say, "I trust you. No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think."
Today, I will stop clinging to painful lessons of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don't know what it is.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Semi-Productive
So yesterday wasn't a total waste like Wednesday was (which, in case you haven't read my past few entries, Wednesday was spent sleeping, eating, followed by more sleeping and eating). After my 10:30 meeting at Solutions I went over to a friend's place where we got to talking and ended up hanging out for the rest of the afternoon. We split off after a while though because I wanted to go clean up my apartment a bit and clean myself up as well...aka...MANGROOMING. My beard was in desperate need of a trim and I needed to re-shave my head badly (you could tell the chrome dome look was starting to fill in). Once all that was tended to and all target hairs had been trimmed, clipped, buzzed, and pruned and I was feeling super fresh, I went back over to my friend's place and we hung out for the rest of the afternoon/evening. I didn't necessarily move mountains or achieve world peace, but I did some self-care stuff by all the trimming and I got my ass off the couch and back out into the world by going to socialize instead of isolating in my apartment all day and sleeping the afternoon away and wasting yet another day. And I've come to realize that I hate that feeling. It may feel good in the middle of it when I'm nice and comfortable on the couch or in my bed, but afterwards, when I look at the time and realize I just spent X hours sleeping and accomplishing nothing with my day: that's the feeling I hate. So I'm trying to continue the trend today. I'm going to stay open-minded for anything that comes up that strikes me as interesting that I can delve into and put some time of my day into, but I'm also sort of mentally re-committing myself to being in recovery.
For the past week I've just been kind of going through the motions on total auto-pilot: going to a meeting, reading an opening reading if assigned, sitting quietly for an hour, listening to others share, and not opening my own mouth at all (partly because I feel like I have nothing valuable to share. People are coming to these meetings to learn how to get and stay clean, and I have displayed that I have difficulty in that area, so I've been choosing to just shut up and not talk since I have nothing of value to say). As a result, I've kinda just been drifting through my recovery this past week and drifting through the meetings, not really letting any message stick to me or really letting anything sink in and internalize anything. I've just kinda felt like a prop dummy there in the chair for an hour and then I promptly get up and leave as soon as it's over. And I know recovery doesn't work and the program doesn't produce results unless you work at it and work for it and put work into it, so this drifting and gliding through on auto-pilot bullshit with nothing really touching me or reaching my heart and mind has gotta stop, like TODAY. I may not necessarily share today and spill my guts out onto the floor and vomit all over the meeting and share a big mess, but I am consciously making the mental shift to being more open-minded, willing, and active in my recovery. Because I feel like right now I'm in the danger zone of the 2 biggest dangers that the Basic Text says that there are to addicts: apathy and procrastination. I'm not necessarily procrastinating on any particular thing because all step work has been put on hold per instructions from my sponsor until I get another 30 days under my belt, but the apathy part I can definitely relate to because all week I've just kinda been drifting in and out of the meetings with an attitude like "meh." And a "meh" attitude isn't going to keep me clean. It may not necessarily for sure get my loaded, but it most certainly will not be enough to keep me clean. So time to wake the fuck up, jump back in, and participate. This side line spectator bullshit ends today.
For the past week I've just been kind of going through the motions on total auto-pilot: going to a meeting, reading an opening reading if assigned, sitting quietly for an hour, listening to others share, and not opening my own mouth at all (partly because I feel like I have nothing valuable to share. People are coming to these meetings to learn how to get and stay clean, and I have displayed that I have difficulty in that area, so I've been choosing to just shut up and not talk since I have nothing of value to say). As a result, I've kinda just been drifting through my recovery this past week and drifting through the meetings, not really letting any message stick to me or really letting anything sink in and internalize anything. I've just kinda felt like a prop dummy there in the chair for an hour and then I promptly get up and leave as soon as it's over. And I know recovery doesn't work and the program doesn't produce results unless you work at it and work for it and put work into it, so this drifting and gliding through on auto-pilot bullshit with nothing really touching me or reaching my heart and mind has gotta stop, like TODAY. I may not necessarily share today and spill my guts out onto the floor and vomit all over the meeting and share a big mess, but I am consciously making the mental shift to being more open-minded, willing, and active in my recovery. Because I feel like right now I'm in the danger zone of the 2 biggest dangers that the Basic Text says that there are to addicts: apathy and procrastination. I'm not necessarily procrastinating on any particular thing because all step work has been put on hold per instructions from my sponsor until I get another 30 days under my belt, but the apathy part I can definitely relate to because all week I've just kinda been drifting in and out of the meetings with an attitude like "meh." And a "meh" attitude isn't going to keep me clean. It may not necessarily for sure get my loaded, but it most certainly will not be enough to keep me clean. So time to wake the fuck up, jump back in, and participate. This side line spectator bullshit ends today.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Funk
Made it through another day yesterday. Mostly because I slept the entire day away. After getting back from the 10:30 meeting I slept until around 7pm, got up, made something to eat, and was back in bed asleep by 9:30. I know this funk I'm in is associated with coming down and the detox stage, but it still sucks and I'm trying to make an effort to get moving and do something with myself throughout the day, instead of just planting myself in the living room and becoming a permanent fixture on the couch. So I've straightened up the living room, and am about to do some grooming because my beard is getting a little out of control and I need to re-shave my head. I know I should also hit another meeting today, even though I already went to one this morning, but this weather has me totally anti-motivated to leave the apartment and it's all cloudy and gloomy outside. I kind of just want to curl back up on the couch and read or watch a movie. We'll see how the day progresses.
But first things first: time to trim up this beard and my head.
But first things first: time to trim up this beard and my head.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Day 3 - can't get enough sleep
Made it through another day yesterday. I went to a meeting at 10:30 then spent the rest of the afternoon reading. At 4:30 I was supposed to leave to go to another meeting that previously was my home group at 5:30. But I thought about it, checked in with myself to see how I felt about even going, and I decided not to go, as that was the meeting that generated some drama recently regarding gossip, cliques, the "cool" girls and their rejection of others not deemed cool enough or recovered enough (ie. me). So I thought "why the fuck am I gonna go sit in a room for an hour surrounded by a bunch of judgmental bitches, not feel safe and accepted in a recovery environment, and also not feel comfortable or safe enough to share if I need to share?' So I decided to not subject myself to that and ended up taking a nap instead. I ended sleeping a full 9 hours last night too and I'm still tired now, which is to be expected in the first few days after getting clean off of my drug of choice, because all I want to do is eat, sleep, eat some more, and then sleep some more.
I already went to one meeting today (the 10:30 again), but am planning on checking out a new meeting tonight at 7 at The Rooms called Language of the Heart. According to a friend of mine, this meeting is off the fucking hook and it's fucking packed every week and every week she's gone it has packed a powerful punch. So I'm excited to check out a new meeting. Don't get me wrong, my usual 6:30 meeting at the VA building on Wednesdays is still good...but it's kind of droll, as are the attendees. No judgment, just...an observation.
Additionally, I'm still plagued by cravings and thoughts of my drug of choice. Even knowing full well that it will only make me lonely and miserable, for some fucked up reason, I'm still craving it. I know this will pass and that these feelings (as are are all feelings) are only temporary. I just have to sit through them long enough to not act on them and fuck shit up again. Because, as I've said before, that's what I know how to do best: fuck shit up.
I know that, for right now, and at least for another week, I'm just going to need to take it easy, rest a lot, eat when I'm hungry, nap/sleep when I'm tired, make it to as many meetings as I can, get talking to my friends and support group again, and don't get spun in between all that. Like, even shaving/trimming my beard is overwhelming right now. I need to do some trimming and re-shave my head, but I don't even have the energy or motivation to do that. In fact, a nap is probably in order here shortly. I've done the whole meth detox thing before, and this is how it goes. I can't wait to feel normal again.
I already went to one meeting today (the 10:30 again), but am planning on checking out a new meeting tonight at 7 at The Rooms called Language of the Heart. According to a friend of mine, this meeting is off the fucking hook and it's fucking packed every week and every week she's gone it has packed a powerful punch. So I'm excited to check out a new meeting. Don't get me wrong, my usual 6:30 meeting at the VA building on Wednesdays is still good...but it's kind of droll, as are the attendees. No judgment, just...an observation.
Additionally, I'm still plagued by cravings and thoughts of my drug of choice. Even knowing full well that it will only make me lonely and miserable, for some fucked up reason, I'm still craving it. I know this will pass and that these feelings (as are are all feelings) are only temporary. I just have to sit through them long enough to not act on them and fuck shit up again. Because, as I've said before, that's what I know how to do best: fuck shit up.
I know that, for right now, and at least for another week, I'm just going to need to take it easy, rest a lot, eat when I'm hungry, nap/sleep when I'm tired, make it to as many meetings as I can, get talking to my friends and support group again, and don't get spun in between all that. Like, even shaving/trimming my beard is overwhelming right now. I need to do some trimming and re-shave my head, but I don't even have the energy or motivation to do that. In fact, a nap is probably in order here shortly. I've done the whole meth detox thing before, and this is how it goes. I can't wait to feel normal again.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Day 2
Made it successfully through day one without getting high, pretty much slept all day. Which is to be expected from your body coming off meth. It's dropping out of warp speed (no pun intended) and returning to normal so the crash lasts a couple days and you feel like you can't get enough sleep. Like last night I slept almost 12 hours straight and I feel like I could go right back to sleep. But I'm going to a meeting at 10:30, my first since making my big decision to get back on the NA bandwagon, and I'm already embarrassed at having to say that I'm coming back from a relapse. Like I'm going to get a collective eye roll from everyone in the room and have them all say "...again? really?" So not really looking forward to that. But it'll be a humbling experience I'm sure.
I talked with my sponsor last night and he said he had had the chance to read my last entry, which, if you haven't read it yet, you should go back and read because I disclosed EVERYTHING that's been going with me in the past week or so and shed light on all the secrets I'd been keeping and got honest about somethings that I hadn't told anybody. And because my sponsor is as amazing as he is, he took it all in stride and didn't reject me / fire me like I thought he was going to. That man has the patience and forgiveness of a saint because he refuses to give up on me.
Gotta jet, my ride for the 10:30 meeting is here. More later. Stay tuned.
I talked with my sponsor last night and he said he had had the chance to read my last entry, which, if you haven't read it yet, you should go back and read because I disclosed EVERYTHING that's been going with me in the past week or so and shed light on all the secrets I'd been keeping and got honest about somethings that I hadn't told anybody. And because my sponsor is as amazing as he is, he took it all in stride and didn't reject me / fire me like I thought he was going to. That man has the patience and forgiveness of a saint because he refuses to give up on me.
Gotta jet, my ride for the 10:30 meeting is here. More later. Stay tuned.
Monday, October 12, 2015
And I Conclude
So I had the night to sleep on it, which I will admit, seems to help whenever I'm stuck pondering on something (I guess your brain still processes things while you're asleep). Anyway, I had overnight to process the previous conflicting dilemma I expressed in previous entries (to be 100% in recovery, or try and lead a "normal" life, doing what I really want, not what the program says I should do). While it's going against the grain of what I really want, and it drives me crazy to have to come to this conclusion, I've come to the decision that I think it would be best to try my best to follow a life in recovery.
My desire to be a "normal" person and partake in certain activities recreationally, is unfortunately, in vain and a completely unattainable fantasy because I've come to the realization that I am not one of those people that can do anything in moderation. That includes partying and the use of any substance, whether it's crystal, alcohol, G, or even cigarettes (I've been chain-smoking the last couple days, I fucking smell like an ashtray 24/7). I'm going to freely admit here (because it's MY blog and I'm attempting to write openly and honestly here) that the simple fact is: I fucking love drugs. Especially my drug of choice While I've learned that I can maintain while using and that I have achieved a level of functioning even while high in which I can still take care of myself and my responsibilities and go about my daily life, an unfortunate reality of that lifestyle is that it is incredibly lonely. Nobody wants to be around me when I'm using (my belief in that being conditional friendship and love is a whole other issue I won't even get into here) and it's incredibly lonely. There's the potential solution of hanging out and spending time with other people who are recreational users and "normal" people, but unfortunately, you can't fucking trust tweakers, or really anybody that's involved in that lifestyle because they lie, manipulate, cheat, steal, are dishonest, are fake, and are not genuine and real with you, and that goes against everything I want myself to be and the kind of person I want to surround myself with. So I end up high and incredibly lonely, which leads to me being desperate for any human interaction, which leads to me compromising my values in an attempt to have company, ANY company, and I end up hanging out with people I normally would steer clear from and not even waste my time on. The loneliness is soul crushing and leaves me feeling so desolate and isolated that my thoughts end up drifting to things and ideas that are dangerous and self-destructive and self-harming (yes, I'm talking about cutting) and also results in me just doing more and more drugs to try and numb the feelings of loneliness and isolation but it only feeds into it and isolates me more, thus, a vicious cycle. So, while, as I said, I love my drugs, I love having sound mind and having friends and being happy more and have realized that to continue using regularly translates to a perpetual state of misery and loneliness which I simply can't weather and tolerate and pushes the limits of my mental and emotional well-being. I'm already unstable and emotionally fragile and sensitive as it is, Adding the extreme emotional highs and lows that comes with crystal is something that, after a long period of time, I might not survive and end up doing something stupid that I intentionally do to hurt myself and ease my misery.
So in conclusion, anyone reading this will be happy to know that yes, I have chosen recovery. As much as it drives me crazy to say that because I'm craving dope even right now this very second, I've realized that to continue using is to cut me off from my friends, family, and loved ones and support, and I cannot function solely on my own thoughts and mind and ideas alone because they are not healthy, rational, and will ultimately just fuck shit up because that's what I'm good at ("there's something in our self-destructive personalities that cries for failure").
So, this morning, realizing I needed to take action and follow through with my decision, I took the box I mentioned previously in an entry (the box with the paraphernalia in it as well as the last vestiges of dope) and I threw it all away. Rigs, alcohol swabs, baggies, everything went into the garbage. I'm having "throwing away remorse" right now and I practically want to go digging through the dumpster outside to get it all back, but I know that's insane and that I did the right thing, because I now have nothing tying me to drug use left in my home. Next I need to follow up with more action and get talking to my friends and sponsor and reach out for help, because that's the antidote to the loneliness. And I also need to get to a meeting: STAT. Ultimately, I feel good about my action this morning and about my decision. It's incredibly freeing to know I don't have to continue being lonely and miserable and depressed to the point where I'm actually considering cutting myself.
So, today is day 1 all over again. I hate that I had to give up my clean time to go through this past week and come to my realization that I need recovery, but it takes what it takes and at least I've gotten into the solution now and can start stringing some days together instead of suffering day after day alone in my apartment, desperate for human contact. I need my sponsor, I need my friends, I need to get and stay connected, otherwise I'm going to go crazy.
My desire to be a "normal" person and partake in certain activities recreationally, is unfortunately, in vain and a completely unattainable fantasy because I've come to the realization that I am not one of those people that can do anything in moderation. That includes partying and the use of any substance, whether it's crystal, alcohol, G, or even cigarettes (I've been chain-smoking the last couple days, I fucking smell like an ashtray 24/7). I'm going to freely admit here (because it's MY blog and I'm attempting to write openly and honestly here) that the simple fact is: I fucking love drugs. Especially my drug of choice While I've learned that I can maintain while using and that I have achieved a level of functioning even while high in which I can still take care of myself and my responsibilities and go about my daily life, an unfortunate reality of that lifestyle is that it is incredibly lonely. Nobody wants to be around me when I'm using (my belief in that being conditional friendship and love is a whole other issue I won't even get into here) and it's incredibly lonely. There's the potential solution of hanging out and spending time with other people who are recreational users and "normal" people, but unfortunately, you can't fucking trust tweakers, or really anybody that's involved in that lifestyle because they lie, manipulate, cheat, steal, are dishonest, are fake, and are not genuine and real with you, and that goes against everything I want myself to be and the kind of person I want to surround myself with. So I end up high and incredibly lonely, which leads to me being desperate for any human interaction, which leads to me compromising my values in an attempt to have company, ANY company, and I end up hanging out with people I normally would steer clear from and not even waste my time on. The loneliness is soul crushing and leaves me feeling so desolate and isolated that my thoughts end up drifting to things and ideas that are dangerous and self-destructive and self-harming (yes, I'm talking about cutting) and also results in me just doing more and more drugs to try and numb the feelings of loneliness and isolation but it only feeds into it and isolates me more, thus, a vicious cycle. So, while, as I said, I love my drugs, I love having sound mind and having friends and being happy more and have realized that to continue using regularly translates to a perpetual state of misery and loneliness which I simply can't weather and tolerate and pushes the limits of my mental and emotional well-being. I'm already unstable and emotionally fragile and sensitive as it is, Adding the extreme emotional highs and lows that comes with crystal is something that, after a long period of time, I might not survive and end up doing something stupid that I intentionally do to hurt myself and ease my misery.
So in conclusion, anyone reading this will be happy to know that yes, I have chosen recovery. As much as it drives me crazy to say that because I'm craving dope even right now this very second, I've realized that to continue using is to cut me off from my friends, family, and loved ones and support, and I cannot function solely on my own thoughts and mind and ideas alone because they are not healthy, rational, and will ultimately just fuck shit up because that's what I'm good at ("there's something in our self-destructive personalities that cries for failure").
So, this morning, realizing I needed to take action and follow through with my decision, I took the box I mentioned previously in an entry (the box with the paraphernalia in it as well as the last vestiges of dope) and I threw it all away. Rigs, alcohol swabs, baggies, everything went into the garbage. I'm having "throwing away remorse" right now and I practically want to go digging through the dumpster outside to get it all back, but I know that's insane and that I did the right thing, because I now have nothing tying me to drug use left in my home. Next I need to follow up with more action and get talking to my friends and sponsor and reach out for help, because that's the antidote to the loneliness. And I also need to get to a meeting: STAT. Ultimately, I feel good about my action this morning and about my decision. It's incredibly freeing to know I don't have to continue being lonely and miserable and depressed to the point where I'm actually considering cutting myself.
So, today is day 1 all over again. I hate that I had to give up my clean time to go through this past week and come to my realization that I need recovery, but it takes what it takes and at least I've gotten into the solution now and can start stringing some days together instead of suffering day after day alone in my apartment, desperate for human contact. I need my sponsor, I need my friends, I need to get and stay connected, otherwise I'm going to go crazy.
October 12 -- Being Right
"We we admit that our lives had become unmanageable, we don't have to argue our point of view...We no longer have to be right all the time\."
Basic Text, page 58
Nothing isolates us more quickly from the warmth and camaraderie of our fellow NA members than having to be "right." Insecure, we pretend to be some kind of authority figure. Suffering from low self-esteem, we try to build ourselves up by putting others down. At best, such tactics push others away from us, at worst, they draw attack. The more we try to impress others with how "right" we are, the more wrong we become.
We don't have to be "right" to be secure; we don't have to pretend to have all the answers for others to love or respect us. In fact, just the opposite is true. None of us have all the answers. We depend upon one another to help bridge the gaps in our understanding of things, and we depend upon a Power greater than our own to make up for our personal powerlessness. We live easily with others when we offer what we know, admit what we don't, and seek to learn from our peers. We live securely in ourselves when we cease relying on our own power and start relying on the God we've come to understand in recovery.
We don't have to be "right" all the time, just recovering.
Just for Today: I admit my powerlessness and the unmangeability of my life. Help me live with others as an equal, dependent upon you for direction and strength.
Basic Text, page 58
Nothing isolates us more quickly from the warmth and camaraderie of our fellow NA members than having to be "right." Insecure, we pretend to be some kind of authority figure. Suffering from low self-esteem, we try to build ourselves up by putting others down. At best, such tactics push others away from us, at worst, they draw attack. The more we try to impress others with how "right" we are, the more wrong we become.
We don't have to be "right" to be secure; we don't have to pretend to have all the answers for others to love or respect us. In fact, just the opposite is true. None of us have all the answers. We depend upon one another to help bridge the gaps in our understanding of things, and we depend upon a Power greater than our own to make up for our personal powerlessness. We live easily with others when we offer what we know, admit what we don't, and seek to learn from our peers. We live securely in ourselves when we cease relying on our own power and start relying on the God we've come to understand in recovery.
We don't have to be "right" all the time, just recovering.
Just for Today: I admit my powerlessness and the unmangeability of my life. Help me live with others as an equal, dependent upon you for direction and strength.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Thought Processes Since Last Night
So after yesterday's ridiculously long blog post (go back and read it, it's stupid long, I got a little carried away lol) I was left with a lot of questions in my mind about how to proceed and what I'm going to do in regards to the feeling of being torn in 2 different directions that I described. In one direction is NA, the program, total abstinence, and all the rules I have to abide by to "successfully" work a program and gain the love and acceptance of others in the program. In the other direction is another potential path, that to me would still include the spiritual principles the program has taught me, because I can't deny that they are wonderful and can absolutely result in you being a better person as well as aid in your ability to cope with life and find your place in it. This other path would also be much less stringent on the abstinence policy, where I can still partake in certain activities that those in NA would normally "condemn" and pretty much return back to a state of just being "normal" and not having one indulgence here and there a sign of total catastrophe and having to deal with the drama of starting your clean days count over again, telling everybody what you've done, feeling like shit, feeling guilty, and then dealing with everybody temporarily abandoning you because you didn't follow the rules of the program and they "can't be around someone so close to active addiction" which, as I said yesterday, is total bullshit because that is conditional love and conditional acceptance. I'm not saying I want friends or people in my life that will cosign on my bullshit and just let me do things that hurt myself or people that don't have my best interest and well-being in mind, but I just find it hard to believe that I can't have friendships with people not in program that aren't real friendships or are somehow not valid because they're not in recovery. That's like saying anyone not in recovery is "off limits" for friendship because they're not in the cool club. It just doesn't make sense to me and frustrates me to think about it. And I'm tired of being judged by others in program when I tell them I am friends with one person or another that isn't in program or isn't abstinent. Like they think all that equates to them being bad people and that I shouldn't be around them. Judgmental much?
I was feeling pretty lost and confused and helpless yesterday after my blog post and up until I went to bed, totally plagued with confusion and turmoil and uncertainty and hesitation of which direction to set out in. After sleeping on it though, I feel a bit more grounded and a little more clear as to how I'm going to handle this. For right now, I'm going to take it day by day and see what each day brings and tackle it from there. If I try to think in long term plans, I get overwhelmed because I feel like I have to have a concrete battle plan for the foreseeable future. Who says I need to have a concrete battle plan that I can't deviate from? Shit, even the program teaches us "one day at a time." So I guess that's what I'll do with this too.
I was feeling pretty lost and confused and helpless yesterday after my blog post and up until I went to bed, totally plagued with confusion and turmoil and uncertainty and hesitation of which direction to set out in. After sleeping on it though, I feel a bit more grounded and a little more clear as to how I'm going to handle this. For right now, I'm going to take it day by day and see what each day brings and tackle it from there. If I try to think in long term plans, I get overwhelmed because I feel like I have to have a concrete battle plan for the foreseeable future. Who says I need to have a concrete battle plan that I can't deviate from? Shit, even the program teaches us "one day at a time." So I guess that's what I'll do with this too.
Eyeglasses and Attitudes -- October 11
"Our best thinking got us into trouble...Recovery is am active change in our ideas and attitudes."
Basic Text, page 55
In active addiction, the world probably looked like a horrible place. Using helped us tolerate the world we saw. Today, however, we understand that the world's condition wasn't really the problem. It was our ideas and attitudes about the world that made it impossible for us to find a comfortable place in it.
Our attitudes and our ideas are the eyeglasses through which we see our lives. If our "glasses" are smudged or dirty, our lives look dim. If our attitudes aren't well focused, the whole world appears distorted. To see the world clearly, we need to keep our attitudes and ideas clean, free of things like resentment, denial, self-pity, and closed-mindedness. To insure our vision of life is in focus, we have to bring our ideas in line with reality.
In addiction, our best thinking kept us from clearly seeing either the world or our part in it. Recovery serves to correct the prescriptions in our attitudinal eyewear. By stripping away our denial and replacing it with faith, self-honesty, humility, and responsibility, the steps help us see our lives in a whole new way. Then the steps help us keep our spiritual lenses clean, encouraging us to regularly examine our ideas, our attitudes, and our actions.
Today, seen through the clean lenses of faith and recovery, the world looks like a warm, inviting place to live.
Just For Today: I will view the world and my life through the clean spiritual lenses of my program.
Basic Text, page 55
In active addiction, the world probably looked like a horrible place. Using helped us tolerate the world we saw. Today, however, we understand that the world's condition wasn't really the problem. It was our ideas and attitudes about the world that made it impossible for us to find a comfortable place in it.
Our attitudes and our ideas are the eyeglasses through which we see our lives. If our "glasses" are smudged or dirty, our lives look dim. If our attitudes aren't well focused, the whole world appears distorted. To see the world clearly, we need to keep our attitudes and ideas clean, free of things like resentment, denial, self-pity, and closed-mindedness. To insure our vision of life is in focus, we have to bring our ideas in line with reality.
In addiction, our best thinking kept us from clearly seeing either the world or our part in it. Recovery serves to correct the prescriptions in our attitudinal eyewear. By stripping away our denial and replacing it with faith, self-honesty, humility, and responsibility, the steps help us see our lives in a whole new way. Then the steps help us keep our spiritual lenses clean, encouraging us to regularly examine our ideas, our attitudes, and our actions.
Today, seen through the clean lenses of faith and recovery, the world looks like a warm, inviting place to live.
Just For Today: I will view the world and my life through the clean spiritual lenses of my program.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Update!
Well well well, here we are again, and it's been a hot minute since I was here to update the few souls who actually read this...shit I haven't even been on here in so long to even re-post a daily meditation. But over the last few months, something about myself that I'm passionate about became very clearly evident as a form of expression, therapy, confession. coping, and processing of life's events....writing. I started off by writing in a regular old journal and the pen just FLOWED over page after page as I confessed, confided, bitched, moaned, prayed, and just wrote down whatever thoughts I had. But I guess I am a product of the new generation that is more inclined toward technology, because I found that I write even more passionately and fluidly when I'm typing. So with that realization, here we are on a Saturday night, with me updating the masses of this mess I call my life:
I'm not quite sure where to start, so I'm just going to dive in at a certain juncture and build around that.
EDC was absolutely mind blowing and life changing and incredible. I went with Nina this year and we had the absolute best weekend (not counting the mini fight we had the last night/morning of the festival, which was over stupid shit anyway and we eventually made up). I took tons of pictures and videos of some amazing moments so I have those to revert back to whenever I want to re-live a particular moment, like, for example, during Dada Life's set when they dropped a mash up of Deadmau5- Some Chords, and "This Machine Kills Ravers." The video I have is amazing; it captures the energy and the intense explosion when the beat drops and the whole crowd loses their shit. Tickets have already gone on sale for next year and yes, you best believe I've already gotten mine.
Health wise, I'm doing great. Was recently at the doctor and got the results from my blood work and my CD4 count is over 1000 and my viral load is completely undetectable. So proud of myself on that one.
Mentally, I feel okay, but I might not be doing as okay as I think I am. I was seeing a cognitive psychotherapist for a little while (fancy term for therapist/shrink/counselor), but stopped seeing him abruptly after one session I had with him during which it was clearly obvious he was on drugs, and I haven't been back to see him since.
My mom keeps urging me to find a new one though. The whole reason I had initially started going was because I had realized that I have 2 coping mechanisms in life: doing drugs, or cutting. As neither of those is a particularly healthy behavior, I had agreed to start seeing someone to talk about my issues surrounding my drug abuse and self-harming behavior. Unfortunately, neither of those issues was really dealt with by this hack of a therapist because shortly after I stopped seeing him, I ended up cutting myself again about a week later due to an event involving others from NA and gossip about me. All in all, it was a stupid, high-school-esque situation and apparently I'm not too fond of within certain cliques of "popular" addicts, but it still triggered my horribly low self-esteem issues and I used it as ammo to fuel my belief of "see! nobody wants you around! nobody likes you!" and thus, the cutting. It was a short lived escapade though and it only lasted 2 days, but it still sucks that I am still that close to reverting to that behavior even now at 30 years old.
Another momentous turning point since my last update is regarding my recovery. On August 2 I decided to come clean with everybody about what I had REALLY been up to for the past year, since around October of 2014: getting high, constantly, and maintaining my high, and living a double life of recovery and meetings and sponsors during the day, then using at night and keeping it a secret from everyone save for a select few. It's kinda funny though because when I told everyone, there seemed to be a resounding reply of "I know" from everyone because while I thought I was fine and maintaining normalcy this whole time, everyone else told me that no, for the past year, I've been a total nut case and emotionally unstable and that they knew something was off, but that me confirming I'd been using made total sense. After that, I recommitted myself to recovery, was making 1 to 2 meetings every day, powered through my first 3 steps and made it to the beginning of Step 4, and made some wonderful new friendships (and reconnected with old friends). Everything was going fine and my recovery was on track...until about a week ago. I'm not going to go any more details other than the ones I provide, but here's essentially what happened: there's a box in my apartment. It's a small box, and in this box are items associated with my drug of choice and the manner in which I do it. When I got clean in August, I threw all related contents of using into this box, and tucked it away under the sink in my bathroom, and from there totally forgot about it. Until a week ago. I came across it, and either out of simple curiosity, a yearning for a feeling of nostalgia, or sheer stupidity (or a combination of all 3) I opened the box to take a peak inside. Long story short, hours later, I was high again and am in the middle of a, so far, week, long relapse. I'm very conflicted right now because my default settings and life handling skills are all oriented out of NA and the program and what it's taught me. On the other hand, I have discovered about myself that I have the ability to use my drug of choice, but still go about taking care of my other stuff that I need to do during the day. In short, I know how to "maintain." In a discussion with a friend regarding this issue, he posed the question "okay, NA wants you to stay completely abstinent and says that's the only choice other than the opposite option, which is death. But that's what NA says, what about what you want?" And that's been bothering me all week. All week I've been plagued with the possibility of the idea that maybe my thinking and viewpoints are so completely dominated by NA dogma that I've lost touch with who I, ME, MICHAEL, really am and what I want and what I am capable of. While the NA program is wonderful and has taught me many things so valuable that I could never thank it enough, it is very limited in certain viewpoints, leaving no room for a status of "in between" with certain things, and the members of the program don't make such issues any easier, as you tend to be ostracized and shunned when you tell them that you have been using; everyone quickly moves away from you and you're left with nobody that wants to talk to you or can handle "being around somebody so close to their active addiction." Which, to me, is bullshit because that is conditional love and conditional friendship and I hate it because it's what my mother did to me for years.
Long story short, I'm very conflicted right now and feel like I'm being pulled in 2 completely polar opposite directions and it's ripping me apart because conflict presented with what I want to do and what NA is telling me to do.
I think that's enough for tonight. I'm going to try and get back in the habit of updating this regularly so expect more soon. Till next time.
I'm not quite sure where to start, so I'm just going to dive in at a certain juncture and build around that.
EDC was absolutely mind blowing and life changing and incredible. I went with Nina this year and we had the absolute best weekend (not counting the mini fight we had the last night/morning of the festival, which was over stupid shit anyway and we eventually made up). I took tons of pictures and videos of some amazing moments so I have those to revert back to whenever I want to re-live a particular moment, like, for example, during Dada Life's set when they dropped a mash up of Deadmau5- Some Chords, and "This Machine Kills Ravers." The video I have is amazing; it captures the energy and the intense explosion when the beat drops and the whole crowd loses their shit. Tickets have already gone on sale for next year and yes, you best believe I've already gotten mine.
Health wise, I'm doing great. Was recently at the doctor and got the results from my blood work and my CD4 count is over 1000 and my viral load is completely undetectable. So proud of myself on that one.
Mentally, I feel okay, but I might not be doing as okay as I think I am. I was seeing a cognitive psychotherapist for a little while (fancy term for therapist/shrink/counselor), but stopped seeing him abruptly after one session I had with him during which it was clearly obvious he was on drugs, and I haven't been back to see him since.
My mom keeps urging me to find a new one though. The whole reason I had initially started going was because I had realized that I have 2 coping mechanisms in life: doing drugs, or cutting. As neither of those is a particularly healthy behavior, I had agreed to start seeing someone to talk about my issues surrounding my drug abuse and self-harming behavior. Unfortunately, neither of those issues was really dealt with by this hack of a therapist because shortly after I stopped seeing him, I ended up cutting myself again about a week later due to an event involving others from NA and gossip about me. All in all, it was a stupid, high-school-esque situation and apparently I'm not too fond of within certain cliques of "popular" addicts, but it still triggered my horribly low self-esteem issues and I used it as ammo to fuel my belief of "see! nobody wants you around! nobody likes you!" and thus, the cutting. It was a short lived escapade though and it only lasted 2 days, but it still sucks that I am still that close to reverting to that behavior even now at 30 years old.
Another momentous turning point since my last update is regarding my recovery. On August 2 I decided to come clean with everybody about what I had REALLY been up to for the past year, since around October of 2014: getting high, constantly, and maintaining my high, and living a double life of recovery and meetings and sponsors during the day, then using at night and keeping it a secret from everyone save for a select few. It's kinda funny though because when I told everyone, there seemed to be a resounding reply of "I know" from everyone because while I thought I was fine and maintaining normalcy this whole time, everyone else told me that no, for the past year, I've been a total nut case and emotionally unstable and that they knew something was off, but that me confirming I'd been using made total sense. After that, I recommitted myself to recovery, was making 1 to 2 meetings every day, powered through my first 3 steps and made it to the beginning of Step 4, and made some wonderful new friendships (and reconnected with old friends). Everything was going fine and my recovery was on track...until about a week ago. I'm not going to go any more details other than the ones I provide, but here's essentially what happened: there's a box in my apartment. It's a small box, and in this box are items associated with my drug of choice and the manner in which I do it. When I got clean in August, I threw all related contents of using into this box, and tucked it away under the sink in my bathroom, and from there totally forgot about it. Until a week ago. I came across it, and either out of simple curiosity, a yearning for a feeling of nostalgia, or sheer stupidity (or a combination of all 3) I opened the box to take a peak inside. Long story short, hours later, I was high again and am in the middle of a, so far, week, long relapse. I'm very conflicted right now because my default settings and life handling skills are all oriented out of NA and the program and what it's taught me. On the other hand, I have discovered about myself that I have the ability to use my drug of choice, but still go about taking care of my other stuff that I need to do during the day. In short, I know how to "maintain." In a discussion with a friend regarding this issue, he posed the question "okay, NA wants you to stay completely abstinent and says that's the only choice other than the opposite option, which is death. But that's what NA says, what about what you want?" And that's been bothering me all week. All week I've been plagued with the possibility of the idea that maybe my thinking and viewpoints are so completely dominated by NA dogma that I've lost touch with who I, ME, MICHAEL, really am and what I want and what I am capable of. While the NA program is wonderful and has taught me many things so valuable that I could never thank it enough, it is very limited in certain viewpoints, leaving no room for a status of "in between" with certain things, and the members of the program don't make such issues any easier, as you tend to be ostracized and shunned when you tell them that you have been using; everyone quickly moves away from you and you're left with nobody that wants to talk to you or can handle "being around somebody so close to their active addiction." Which, to me, is bullshit because that is conditional love and conditional friendship and I hate it because it's what my mother did to me for years.
Long story short, I'm very conflicted right now and feel like I'm being pulled in 2 completely polar opposite directions and it's ripping me apart because conflict presented with what I want to do and what NA is telling me to do.
I think that's enough for tonight. I'm going to try and get back in the habit of updating this regularly so expect more soon. Till next time.
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