Reminder

I know I'm "writing stories" and letting my own head get in the way of facts.  But still....

Today there was a reminder of one's own mortality.  Mine, more specifically.  I'm not quite sure what I am right now.  ...ok?  not good? good?  I feel like I'm on the fence for some reason.  And I was told that I need to "walk in faith."  Unfortunately, in relation to this specific situation,  I have none. I feel like I don't, even tho I was then told that my actions speak otherwise.  That the actions in and of themselves are the faith.  But I don't feel it.

For some reason, regarding this specific situation, I feel more alone than ever.

Thankfully though, I am aware of how I feel about all this.  And I'm also well aware of certain things that I need to be pushed towards because they need to get done if I am going to take care of myself.   And they are going to be done.  That is a fact.

It's just...right now...where I am today.  is....scared?  and feeling completely alone in facing this.  And it doesn't feel very good. 

Dry

Why am I so anxious?  And then it hits me.  I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs.  And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic -- seeing the car just as it hits you.  But then all of a sudden, that feeling is gone and I'm blank.  So it's like a door quickly opened, just a crack, to show me what a mess I was inside.  But not enough to really stare for long and absorb all the details.  Just enough to know the room needed some major spring cleaning.

************************************************************************


This will be my 2nd read of this book, and for some reason I think I'm going to really really appreciate and let this book sink in a lot more than I did the first time I read it. 

<3 this book

You Ready for a Fight?

some of the hardest and most difficult things to deal with and even think about, are, sometimes, the things that are most worth fighting for.

there are 2 areas in my life right now where this applies.  one of them is in the whole recovery aspect.  and that is something i will not compromise on.  i see it is possible, and i see myself on that path. and i like it.  and i'm willing to fight for that.

the other is somebody specific.  and i am willing to fight for him too. (not like actually physically fighting somebody), but i know this is going to be difficult, and there is the possibility that i may fail, but that's a chance i'm going to take.

and i am going to fight for you.  because i still miss you every day.  and there's a lot of trust to reestablish, and a lot of conversations to have over and a lot of things to re-establish and new memories to make, and bonds between us to mend as well as to others in your life that i've hurt, but i will take it all head on.   it's all worth it.

one can only hope this isn't a futile fight i'm going to be undertaking.  but like i said, i'll be patient.  i have control over me at all times.  and that has to be enough

Candy Everybody Wants (2)

       "Well, Half-pint.  That's quite a potboiler," she said, inadvertently
exhaling a perfect smoke ring.
       "I'd give up anything," Jayson said tearfully, "anything, just to start over."
"No can do, kiddo.  You can't change the script after it's been filmed."

Candy Everybody Wants

      "Don't go," was all Jayson could say as the tears starting backing up in the corners of his eyes.
      "I don't have a choice.  This is probably better for both of us.  You've got a fresh start.  I haven't found mine yet."
      "But I don't have anyone else."
      "You have a lot of people.  The problem is that you don't want them."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



...Wow

did that just happen?

did i just have a good week?  from start to finish?

i think i did :-D 

............... *knocks on wood*

premature

premature? maybe.  i gotta do me, and he's gotta do him. 

but...for the very first time

i have hope.

now:  patience young one.  you have work to do

Interesting question

so today, during Michael is Crazy Therapy time, an interesting question was posed to me by Chari....

"and how do you feel about what you said?"

and to be honest, i told you that truly...really.  i felt good.  what i said was true.  and honest.  and every time i read over what i said, i feel that it felt right.  like...you know when you say something and it feels so right and honest because you're really truly saying it because it is a truth to you?  thats how i felt about it.

so overall....today has been :  good.
 and my song of the evening: 
  Farewell Blues
 
-M-

CLICK

something clicked on tonight.  over the course of the last few days, i've felt...new? i dont know.  hopefully this isnt just the typical "high" part of the rollercoaster that's typical for one in my position with what i'm going through right now.  if it is, i'll handle it, because that's all we can ever do.

but i dunno...it's strange.  i've learned to start paying attention to thoughts that pop in my head.  not the watered down/rationalized thoughts that are so negotiated with my own strong/self-will rationalization bullshit that its all just garbage.  but the thoughts that just POP into your head immediately.  like the very first response you have to some sort of situation/thought of a situation/stimulus/etc.  because i've learned (about myself at least) that the very first response that forms immediately like that, is usually the thing that is truest to how you are feeling/what is going on in your head.  now, this CAN go both ways, and often does.  so the realization of what you really feel/think about something is not always something that doesnt fall under the category of "disheartening."  but either way, it is something that i have found to be extremely valuable because i'm REALLY listening to myself now, before i start diluting what is real with a bunch of CRAP.

anyway, the lightbulb that came on tonight was:  yes.  YES.  i really want this.  the things that are present right now in my life are in some way associated with the steps i have taken to change the trainwreck that was my life.  trainwreck doesnt even cover it.  there's still a ton of work to be done, but the small things that are present right now and "where I'm at" is all associated with the change that needed to be made...because otherwise i know i'd be dead.

and for the first time in a really long time, i can honestly say that being dead is NOT something i want. 

book update

ps,
finished reading The Da Vinci Code...to be honest, i give it an "eh."  i liked the subject matter and what everyone was fussing over, but i wasn't that impressed.  pretty much lots of talking in a museum or in some old fruit's mansion.  it was OK, but nothing stellar.

i'm only 50-ish pages into Candy Everybody Wants by Josh Kilmer-Purcell, and i'm already in love.

180

and just like that.  my day turned around.  *knocks on wood*

ps,
it is OFFICIALLY peppermint mocha season.  thank you cold weather!

no reply

it's monday, and there was never any response.  i knew that was a chance i had to take.  maybe it was too soon.

maybe he's busy.  maybe he's angry.  maybe he hates me absolutely.  maybe he took one look at the sender and hit delete.  maybe he's moved on. 

this could go on for days if i let it.  i can't get caught up in the story of my own "what if" disease.  i have to just stick to the facts.  and the facts are what i know.  and what i know is i miss him.  and i still love him, and i'll wait however long i need to and make whatever kind of amends i have to make if that's what it takes.

acceptance

i know i took a chance when i hit "Send"... but it was a chance that i know (now) that i was willing to take.  i'm not ready to give up.  i know it may be too soon for a lot of things, and i have had to accept that.  it was part of taking responsibility for what i did.

but i'm not ready to give up.


not unless you tell me it's time to give up. 

pregnant Lois

need something to cheer you up?  do what i've been doing any time i've felt a frown coming on:

watch this:

"yeah mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant"

=D *dies laughing*

FRIDAY

freedom!

Caffeine

entirely too much this morning....what started off as feeling a little jittery escalated and i am currently at work teetering on the edge of a full blown anxiety/panic attack.

i've been sitting at my desk for the last hour trying to get a grip.  whoever said breathing exercises work are clearly spewing forth nothing but lies and crap.

onward!

while the actual day of halloween has been an ever-growing source of anxiety and sadness for me, the day has arrived. and i think i'm ok.

this holiday last year i was with him.  and as all of you may know, many things have changed.

however, instead of abiding by my original plan of locking myself in my room until today was over and basking in my depression/loss/guilt/shame/self-hatred, a very interesting thing has happened:

i can't put myself in that mindset. 

this week has been a definite eye opener in the sense that, previously, i was somewhat oblivious to the sheer extent and quantity of energy and thought that ended up being focused and directed at basking in those feelings of guilt and shame and self-hatred of what i'd done and my actions.  but after spending the entire week in a state of perpetually shifting anger/resentment/sadness/shame...i realized that i cannot do that to myself.

so, somehow, without even having to make the conscious effort, today is not as emotionally catastrophic as i thought it was going to be:  instead of turning 110% of myself/my energy/my thoughts/my focus onto all the horrible things i've done and keeping myself stuck in the immediate aftermath and emotional blast radius of the bomb that went off that wrecked the sad semblance of a life that i thought i was maintaining, i am and have come to realize that its all effort so much better spent on pulling my feet out of the muck of self-pity/shit and starting to walk forward. 

with the effort and focus towards what i want to do with myself NOW, things seem to go from bad, to bearable, to OK.  and for right now:  i'm ok.  i miss you every day, and i know i messed up, but i am ok...because i'm putting one size 9 1/2 converse in front of the other and i'm slowly walking down that path, which, hopefully has you somewhere on it down the road.

also, on another interesting development:  my father and i spoke for the first time on the phone in over 13 years on friday.  it was awkward at first, to say the least, and we didn't have a lot of time to catch up, but i filled him in on a few details regarding the happenings of the last few months, and he said something to me that has been resonating in my brain for the last 48 hours.  i told him, briefly, about what I had done to myself, my life, my addiction, the eruption that almost killed me and caused unfathomable hurt to everyone around me, and i told him that I had started/am currently involved in the recovery process....and here's what he said:

Dad:  do you remember when you were little one time when you asked 'dad, do you really think i can punch through that piece of wood?
Me:  yeah, it was for tae-kwon-do classes and it was part of the test i had to complete to progress to the next belt color
Dad:  yes.  and you weren't sure you could do it.  and i told you 'son, i KNOW you can do this.'  and you went up, and you did it and put your fist right through that piece of wood and snapped it in half.......the same applies to what you're going through right now.  you may not think you can, but there is a fighter in you, i've known him since he was 1 day old.  and i KNOW you can do this.

i don't know what it was about that statement...maybe because it actually came from him?  whatever it is, but i feel like i just got a 1000% boost to my confidence and belief in myself that this whole impasse i'm at will just be another block of wood that i will snap in half, just like i did back then. 

whether i believe that i can or not, i'm going to.  FOR ME.

...and for you too.  happy halloween, please be safe

-me-

happy halloween

i don't know if you still read this:  but if you do: 

have fun and be safe please.

wishing you only the best things.

-me-

Dad

...yeah.

wow.

can't even put my thoughts together yet to write in full detail.....that'll have to come later.

but what's important was, i'm not angry.  we talked.  just talked.  and it was nice.

and i'm going to call him again tomorrow.

Friday

last day of a relatively "blah" week.  overall, an emotional roller coaster of a week, but it was all self-induced.

it's kinda ridiculous what your brain does to you when you isolate yourself and are left to sit in your own shitty-ness


it's...well...um:  shitty.

also, on a positive note:  remember my rescue story from last weekend?  Moose (as i had been calling him) actually did have a family that WAS looking for him.  through the help of some resources i contacted, i was able to get in contact with his family, and they picked him up earlier this week.

i gotta say, THAT happy ending has been making me smile all week.  :)  i had taken some pictures of him with the intent of making a flyer to hopefully find him a good home, but that was right before i found his family.  but i'll still post the pictures i took of the goofball. 

6am? and Animal Rescue: Me Edition

yeah...that's when i woke up.  and preceding that was one of the most productive saturdays...EVER.

and it's only Noon.  awesome =D

ps,

included in this whirlwind of productivity was my first doggie rescue.  he was lonely, beat up, starving and his hair was so matted together it was rock solid.  the ambulance that had originally saw him running across the street had to leave, and there was no for sure ETA on animal control (which i didnt want my new friend leaving with them anyway), so i got his stinky ass in my truck and shuttled him over to Cheyenne West Animal Hospital.  also, just a side note:  this dog was not a dog.  he was more like a fucking MASTODON.  St. bernard:  EASILY 130 lbs.  refused to be anywhere else but draped across my arms/lap the whole way to the vet.

luckily, they were able to scan his chip and see where  it was registered with, but whatever place that its registered with isn't open until Monday, so my new friend (Moose is what i named him) is staying in the kennels at the vet until then.  i wanted to take him home with me but...let's face it:  i live at a house, not a horse stable, which would've been more fitting for him

no more rain please =(

 he was all i could think about today.  

all rainy days will probably be like that now

one kiss in the rain and i can never just have a rainy day ever again.  i will ALWAYS think of that. 

i'll even settle for snow, but no more rain please. 

S.A.D?

this weather has got me in a funk.  maybe it's just because it's not conducive to being any sort of productive, and i know that's what i need to be right now, especially at work/with my thinking/with myself.

but with the passing clouds, wind, and the reminder of the torrential downpour of this morning, all i want to do is lay in bed and watch The Hours.

gay

cruel irony

it's interesting how you think you miss something so much (even if it's nothing to brag about)...then, when circumstances present itself to participate in said activity again....what can only be summarized as an epic fail occurs.

i don't remember the last time i felt as thoroughly disgusted with myself or my actions.  not in a guilty/shame kind of way due to me knowing what i did was wrong in the back of my mind.

but because i was thoroughly disappointed in myself, and couldn't really figure out how i used to do said activity on the reg. 

needless to say:  i fell

but as fucking difficult as this is, i have to pull myself back up.  i don't really have a choice in the matter..

well technically i do, but the other choice/alternative is nothing i want.

**********************************************************************

"Honesty without compassion is brutality."

fail

disappointment all around. 

2 months

today:  officially 60 days.  =)

knocked out of orbit

so...as much as i've been trying to tough it out and act like nothing is wrong, i can't pretend any longer and i definitely have to go to the doctor tomorrow.  if you couldn't tell from the picture i previously posted, i recently suffered an owie..

that is an understatement:  i still don't know what happened, and all of the what ifs are starting to drive me mad, and i'm starting to get really scared over a hypothetical fear of what COULD be wrong with me, when a simple explanation/not so scary one, is the actual explanation of what happened. but all that aside, the facts are:

Sunday:  i don't know what happened, or how it happened.  but i was walking back from my bathroom to my bed (for those of you that know, it is a very very short distance),...i'm not sure how , but i basically kind of (what refer to as) came back to reality...on the floor.  i was flopping around kinda trying to get my bearings and trying to pull myself up off the floor.  at some point, i hit my head on something, resulting in the cut above my eye, which has also swelled to the size of a golfball.  also, during my fall or ...somehow, i bashed my face into a cabinet maybe? or the door, or something, resulting in the other cut/bruise on the side of my face.  at this point, i'm bleeding from my head quite a bit.  i'm profoundly dizzy and i'm still trying to get up off the floor. 

fast forward to today:  i still don't know what happened, but whatever it was has completely thrown me out of whack.  i have been an absolute wreck all week (and it's only tuesday).  i can barely concentrate,  i've had constant headaches (some worse in intensity than others).  i cannot focus on ANY task given to me at work.  i've had the WORST time remembering shit that mom told me, and for some reason, whatever happened has thrown me into a complete and total emotional basketcase.  Absolutely off the wall irrationally short-tempered and upset for no reason.  I can hardly handle answering the phone at work.  I really have no idea what happened or what it did, but whatever it is:  i think it's becoming evident that i hit my head...really really hard

i find myself getting so frustrated with myself over the last couple days as well.  i have several...actually no i have MANY things to be grateful and thankful for and to be happy about.  but i cannot snap out of whatever this emotional rut is.  i was literally FINE on saturday night when i went to bed, but ever since sunday after i kinda got myself together and cleaned up after the fall, i feel like i got knocked out of orbit and i've been just...a total rogue lunatic and completely unable to get my bearings. 

i am, however, constantly reminded of how amazing my friends are.  each of the ones with whom i spoke today said something that helped.  some of it was small one liners, and others were just proving to me about why i'm so lucky to have wise friends like them in the first place.  so to all of you i say thank you.

and especially to my mom for putting up with me the last couple days.  i know i've been a basket case.  but i have an ouchie and you know i get needy.  sorrylady :(
******************
...if you still read this:  hi.  i hope you're doing okay...you're amazing so there's no reason you wouldn't be. 

and that's all i have for now.  and that has to be enough

thank you for letting me share

this Thursday

60 days in a row.  it doesn't feel like that big of an accomplishment...it just feels like a lot longer than it actually is. 

mangled

ouch :(

edit

the original entry that i had in this post, was only public for maybe 2 seconds...and i realized it was very selfish of me to broadcast it.  so i deleted it.  and now i'm not sure if it was the right thing to do.  all i know is i said i would disappear and i'm trying my hardest to stick to that for him.  

today...actually this whole weekend was not too bad.  mom said something to me today that made me cry.  it was a good cry though.  just what she said and how she said it was really encapsulating of the love that is still there.  even after everything i put her through, the money i stole, and the lies i told her...she still said what she said today.  i just couldn't believe it.  i don't deserve it or her.  but i have it, by some miraculous occurrence, i have it.  and i am thankful and grateful for it. 

also haven't done any carving action in a week.  i kinda am shocked that it's been about 7 days since i was gripping anything sharp.  and i'm okay with that for now. 

lack of sensation

it's weird.  i haven't done it since earlier this week.  (Sunday night i believe if memory serves me correctly).  Normally any period of not doing it would be followed by my skin eventually..like...itching?  it's hard to describe, but basically i would feel like my entire top layer of skin was absolutely fucking CRAWLING just begging for it.

but i haven't done it since sunday. because "there are always excuses, but never a real reason to choose to do it."  and i haven't.  and now it's just weird because...

i guess i'm just not used to feeling ok? like not being in constant physical pain and having to watch how i move or how hard i scratch at a scab or something. 

someone told me they were proud of me tonight too.   why?  i don't get it.

my fortune from dinner tonight

"Things are not always what they seem.  It's not that bad."

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i treated myself today to a hair cut....if you want to count it as a real hair cut considering how much hair i even have left.

and my hair is shaved and buzzed and short and stubbly.

and i don't even want my hands on my own head right now.  i only want one pair of hands

and they are very much absent.

:(

just finished reading Sharp Objects. the ending was just as fucked up and twisted as i remember.  i love that book.  now...what's next?

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Reckless
or The DaVinci Code (yeah, i never read it. stfu)

kthnx

ps,
new project is almost done.  it actually took on a theme this time and i'm already really liking it.

"Things"

Things?  it's ridiculous how such a stupid sounding word can be used a term that be used with the intent of encompassing an entire group of something or the entirety of a situation.  like things with me right now.

"things" right now are neither here nor there.  i'm just here.  While I'm not about to start marching in some parade for how great I am or start jumping up and down proclaiming that I'm just all better and fixed and wonderful, at the same time I'm also not wallowing in the feeling that I am stuck in a ever-sinking, tar-pit, slow death-like form of life that was all that was left after i destroyed it.  So, in a nutshell, I feel better in the sense that I can admit that:  yes, "things" are getting better (not 100% yet), but I feel less....fractured and trivial and disappointing than I did at life a few weeks ago. 

But I'm still not good.  Maybe it's just right now.  As in this particular moment at 12:42am.  I said it before and I'll say it again:  night time is dangerous for me.  it's quiet, and i'm by myself.  and the silence can be dangerous for my mind and my skin.  So maybe right now would not be the best time to do a self-assessment of how great I am. 

But overall, hopefully I'm not being too overly zealous, but I feel as though "things" are, possibly, just maybe, starting to mend...that I'm maybe starting to punch my way out of the wooden box that I buried myself alive in at "The Lonely Grave of Paula Schulz." 

i still think about him every day.  nothing has changed there.  i still have every feeling for him i did when this all began.  I am working on me, slowly but surely.  But every single feeling and yearning and pang of guilt and remorse and love and wanting to be near him and with him is still very much alive every day in my head. 

at times i almost feel like my own fucking brain is the biggest detriment to the rest of my health and my life. 

"myself will be the death of me"

cautious optimism

due to the negative thinking that i've recently been made aware of (and the fact that it is so deeply a part of my personality at this point bc of how i led my life) I feel hesitant to admit this due to my unrealistic expectation of things turning sour the second i admit this but...here goes:

yesterday and today were good days.  even with finding out that someone died, tonight's topic was "Gratitude"  and the last few days I have definitely been given a reminder of the things that i would be a fool if i were not grateful of them.

things at work have been going good.  slowly but surely putting together more piezes of the rubix cube that is Rohloff & Associates.  i think i have listings down, but we started on Short sales today.  let's just say i have even more respect of my mom since short sales are what she specializes in, due to the fact that just ONE of those can make someone want to shoot themselves in the face.

i've been wanting to pick up my phone and text him recently too...buti can never think of a reason that would justify any attempt at bothering him, so ...needless to say i havent.  eerily enough, the individual who died over the weekend was also named R____y.    the more i find out about the circumstances/events leading up to his death the more i'm upset.  being found of an overdose dead as a doornail in the middle of a field close to your house means that he died completely and utterly alone.  knowing the type of people he was associating with i don't think he was with anyone who would care enough.  so he somehow wandered out to this field, and died there.  no friends, no family, no loved ones, nothing.  He died completely alone.  and he was 1 of 2 brothers, the other which also committed suicide.  and now his mother will have had buried both her sons

and that breaks my heart.  as if it wasn't already decimated in the first place.  finding all this out just, put me in not a good place.

but you gotta keep going.  i have to.  i can do this.  watch me

death

someone we knew died over the weekend. 

of an overdose.

Loss of Humanness

"I fear our loss of human contact.  We're addicted to devices and programs that makes us feel like we're connecting when in fact we're just becoming more and more isolated and more and more silent.  We use Facebook, texting, and email as substitutes for actual human contact; we even call each other's voicemails to avoid actually speaking to each other.  And as we get more and more used to electronic means of communication, our senses receive less and less stimulation and our interactions are stripped of their humanness.  Our tribes dissolve even further.  I believe this is what has made us more neurotic and more violent and even more depressed."

speaks for itself

"In a nightmare, his own terrible love and grief tore down the world."

did that just happen?

actually spent a major part of the day with jeff and had really good conversation(s) with him.  wtf?

status report

day:  35.  and that feels really good.  hard to pinpoint specific things that i miss...or that, in hindsight, were worth any of it.

Chari tells me i'm not as "scattered"  that i seem better.

it's strange.  i don't see it?  maybe i am.

it doesn't feel like it.  especially considering the fact that i've set upon myself every night for the past week.

i deserve every mark for what i did to him.

i've been having really fucked up panic attacks too.  like ones that cause me to practically run out of wal-mart tonight.  i'm not particularly sure what set it off.  i tried to identify it in my ever-happening attempt at increasing my self-awareness (especially of the things that i was oblivious of for the past few years), but i can't place it sometimes.  this overwhelming panic of...i guess everyone around me (in whatever immediate physical setting i'm in) suddenly recognizing me as this giant failure/joke.  like "oh you!?  omg everyone look!"

completely and totally unrealistic i know, but the feeling is still there.

on that note, i do believe it's time to clean myself up and go to bed.

goodnight.

"cuz i'm not who i used to be"

but now he lives inside
someone he does not recognize
when he catches his reflection
on accident

unmarked and fresh

i just found a new spot

mass email

i wish i could find everyone who's had the unfortunate of crossing my path in the last 3 years...and just send them a message

it would read:

"I'm sorry I was such a disappointment  Please forgive me.  You deserved better."

deadly

You'd think that the things that I'd need to stay away from for my own well being right now would be obvious.  However, certain nights -- tonight in particular -- always catch me off guard. 

Where the music to distract me isn't enough.
The book I'm reading isn't enough.
The books I've gotten from reading aren't enough.
Family Guy isn't enough
Chelsea isn't enough. 
Video games aren't enough.

None of if is enough to shut it off.  The constant replay of what's happened and the end of the world proportion of guilt and self-hatred and shame that slams into me with the force of a super nova.

So then all of the above is shut off.  And then there's just quiet.  Just me by myself and the silence.  And night's like tonight I've become painfully aware the silence has the potential to be more dangerous than anything that's happened in the last 3 months.

So here I am.  Just me.  and it's quiet.  and i feel like everyone is gone.  and i have none of the friends i thought i did, or would.  and i still miss him more than anything any one could possibly imagine. 

and the silence is still here and i fucking hate it.  and i fucking hate all of this and want to fast forward 6 months to a place where maybe i have some semblance of a respectable and reputable life again and i don't feel afraid of seeing anyone i know where i want to run and hide because i'm so ashamed to show my face anywhere in public. 

and it's still fucking silent. 

mistake of the day

i shouldn't have texted him.  stupid. stupidstupidstupid

important lessons from Kelly

"This is an important lesson to remember when you're having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year.  Things will change:  you won't feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most.  I believe you can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache.  You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail.  You can't know what it's like to feel holy until you know what it's like to feel really fucking evil. "  -Kelly Cutrone

reminder

that we would've been one year.  one year with the best thing that ever happened to me.  happy un-anniversary.  :( :( :(  i miss you

i'm so sorry

dentist

another 6 months cavity free.  i hate reveling in that news every time i'm told it because i feel like just because i am happy about it and i said it outloud, next time i go is gonna be not so good news.

but today, x-rays and all, looks like everyone is behaving.  go teeth go!

here's the day you hope'd would never come

as if this song wasn't already being played by me enough in the last month, i found this video this morning.  2 of my favorite things combined.


Speeding Cars

1,2 SWITCH!

officially had to switch sides tonight.  ran out of room.  never thought that was gonna happen :-]

flying solo

yes.  indeed.  i don't know why i thought it was going to be anything different. 

go ahead and play with those clean balls

there are no words:  i'll let the commercial speak for itself.


how can i get my balls clean?

they're gonna eat me alive

the session was short today, but the words imparted in were short, brief, but powerful:

"this isn't about anybody but me."  not in a self-centered and careless sense where i don't give two shits about anyone around me.

but me in the sense that.  i am the focus.  i am the epicenter of this and all of it.  i will make this happen or bring things to a complete standstill...or completely go in reverse and make what's left my my world crumble.

i dunno about you, but i'd prefer to get with the creation. 



you
i'm sorry i texted you, but i was worried because of the rain.  but i got to talk to you, and it sort of....made my day.  i'm sorry to have bothered you.  

Day 3 in a row

and i am back at it with a vengeance. 

When it Rains

and then came the rain.  and instantly your life seems so much more dreary and pathetic and pointless than it did just an hour ago before the ground was wet and the clouds seem so dark and crushing and ominous that just by stepping outside you're almost obligated to put a pistol in your mouth.

it's 5:43...

and i am up and ready to start my day.  wtf

throwing in the towel

giving up on monday.  today was, officially, just awful.  going to turn in.  busy week at work anyway.  :\

casualty count: 3

lost him
and now 2 more people.  apparently i'm not fit to have friends through this crisis. 

where's my "collapse into yourself and die on the spot" button. 

1 of those i'm still praying i get back one day.  on that i will NEVER give up.  i just have to be patient on that...hopefully i won't have totally lost my chance.

i hate this :(  now more than ever

liar liar LIAR

i cannot believe what i was just told.   this whole thing this whole fucking life of mine is 1 sad joke.  apparently i am doing this by myself.  go me

ouch

gave in last night and did it.  oh well.

finished "If You Have to Cry Go Outside, and other Things Your Mother Never Told You."

waiting for the varnish on one of my paintings to dry (that stuff fucking stinks)

i think i'm gonna go back and read Sharp Objects

why not?

i used to try not to for him, but....why not now?  who the fuck cares now if i do it or not anyway

Turn It Off

i can't stop listening to this song today.  for some reason over the past week every time I hear Hayley singing these lyrics, I can't help but to think that this song -- from start to finish -- encapsulates my life.

And that sucks. 

Because that one lyric about realizing that you're better off when you hit the bottom.  It still doesn't feel like that. 

All this time later and I still feel like I'm missing a crucial part of me.  And as each day passes I get this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I'm never going to get it back.

Not like I deserve to get him back.  :\

Off to Target with mom to pretend like I'm okay.

Ps,
one of my "best friends" has turned out to be nothing of the sort and if she's reading this I hope she's okay due to the fact that I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks and counting.  However, her actions/inactions have been unbearably hurtful, especially when I already feel like giving up on the world as it is.  Now it feels like she gave up on me.  And then didn't even have the decency to talk to me about whatever it was or what the issue is.  I'm not even good enough to keep him, then apparently not good enough to retain a friend.  Go me

help....

help i'm a live my heart
keeps beating like a hammer

at the gym

i walked in the gym and hadn't even been there 5 minutes and Poker Face came on the gym channel.

thought of you.

if you're still reading this, just know i thought of you.  hope you're ok

bear attack

gummy tummy :(

now what did we learn?

so, i unexpectedly came across some information that...well i'm not quite sure what to do with it, if i'm going to do anything with it at all....

it's a good thing i checked the interaction checker before actually testing out this Zyprexa they wanted me to sample....

but um..yeah i then found out what happens to an individual who has the Zyprexa and Ativan (lorazepam) in his/her system.

why wouldn't i have known that shortcut like 2 months ago?

today

i missed you more than ever.  again:  i'm so sorry

"take home something with you each time"

"and that's all i have for now..............

and that has to be enough."

that's been running through my mind all day.  i know it [everything of me right now] has to be enough...but i still feel like i didn't make the qualifications to be successful at...well...anything?  i'll admit i feel that i am, possibly, in a better state/frame of mind than i was last week.  however, i can confidently say that while i may not be bad (or in last week's case, as ready to permanently throw in the towel as i was), i am still, definitely, not great or even good for that matter. 

but i guess "that has to be enough?"  :-\

i hope he's doing better.  i think that's been one of the harder parts of this whole ordeal:  knowing how much horror and heartache and pain i caused him.  so...hopefully he's faring better and smiling and happy.

unconciousness required: STAT

i don't know why but i have this feeling of isolation.  complete, total, absolute isolation from anything and anybody and i feel like this wave of being completely alone just tsunami-in-the-islands washed over me and completely destroyed my mental place for the evening. 

none of my friends are answering their phones, nobody i feel safe talking to is online, i'm sitting here in front of my lap top listening to the Decode acoustic in the dark, and the one person i would love more than life itself to talk to wants nothing to do with me right now.



i think it's time to go sob in the shower for a while and check out for the evening. 

acoustic? seriously? now?

i know it's probably not too smart to be listening to this.  the lyrics and the original version alone are murder when you let them sink in...

but then i found this.  and i fall to pieces.  if you're reading this, you probably won't want to hear it, but here it is anyway:

how did we get here?

Worrier to Warrior - K. Cutrone

"The spirit of a warrior is not geared to

indulging and complaining, nor is it 

geared to winning or losing. The spirit of

a warrior is geared only to struggle, and

every struggle is a warrior's last battle 

on earth.  Thus the outcome matters very 

little to him.  In his last battle on earth a

warrior lets his spirit flow free and clear.

And as he wages his battle, knowing 

that his intent is impeccable, a warrior

laughs and laughs."

-Carlos Castaneda

this stopped my heart dead

Bad Romance by Hayley Williams

"Executive" Assistant

Day 1 was short but went smoothly.  While the beast at home is definitely proof of the existence of a love/hate relationship that exists between us, today was proof that she has, without a doubt, earned her stripes and every single award that she hasn't had time to put up, simply due to the fact that there are so many of them. 

I also thought it was an inadvertently ego boost when I said some comment regarding my new status as "administrative assistant" to which she quickly corrected me and said "no you're an EXECUTIVE assistant."  While it was an ego boost...I couldn't help but have this image pop up immediately in my head:

That being said, I don't want to ever have a moment where she says/thinks something similar to:  "So I said 'go ahead...hire the smart fat girl.'" To which she was then she was disappointed in hiring Andrea.  I will not be Anne Hathaway pre-make over to when Meryl Streep actually started calling her by her name:  Andrea, not Emily.

So I just finished reading up on "What is a Short Sale?"  and "Escrow 101, What is Escrow?"  Tomorrow is what has been deemed "short sale" day. 

I am also very very thankful for the opportunity to have tasks and things in front of me that keep me busy and keep me occupied.  Today was bad (in my own head)...you kept popping up in my head all day.  It started this morning when Paparazzi came up on my playlist when I was getting ready for work.  I can't listen to her any more.  Not one song, not one line.  Nothing.  I always am reminded of San Diego, so today was awful, because I missed you.

and I want you to know I miss you right now and I hope you're having a good week. 

On that note, I'm going to go watch someone who's more miserable than me to make myself feel better.  Thanks Bravo, Danielle Staub will always make me feel better about myself. 

Day 1

i am off to the place i now, officially, call "work."  hopefully this won't turn out as me in some Anne Hathaway position in a Miranda Priestly-esque office

beautiful like acid

i found this tonight and i was stopped dead in my tracks.  i literally sat at my desk for a good 5 minutes, just staring at this.  In that 5 minutes I absorbed and appreciated everything about this picture:  the feeling you get from looking at it, and the feeling you get from looking at it remembering being in the picture with someone that crucial to your existence.  while i am happy and feel fortunate enough to have the patience to have found something that struck of an emotional chord like that in me and incited just feelings of fondness and love, it also was like a full liter bottle of acid being tossed into my face.  i had that once.  it was bliss.  so i'm going to post it here, so i can look at it whenever i want.  whether i'm choosing to incite the fondness or the self-inflicted acid burns as a result of exposure to said picture, that remains to be seen:

sweet dreams handsome. 

Fake It To Make It

"If you don't let what you don't know stop you from doing your best in every situation, you will surprise yourself over and over in life." -K. Cutrone

intensity

"Violence so intense it bordered on the beautiful."

more more more

cerulean blue
silver
cadmium orange
deep green
neutral gray 

all added to the collection of colors...plus 2 new brushes and a color wheel.....not that i need help i know what color mixes with what to make another....just...the color blindness thing sometimes fucks me up.  whoopsie

late night vitctim

it's always late at night when i'm laying in bed...and i look that sad face on that little red dog, and i fall apart all over again. 

but i'm trying this new line of thought.  today wasn't another day without you.

it was a day that can be checked off on the path that brings me back to you. 

i also started painting today..........but half of the character for "vanity" on the left side of the canvas got fucked up so i had to trash it.  i'm starting over tomorrow.  yes money down the drain, but how else am i going to learn and end up on Work of Art on Bravo.  Vanity 2.0, coming:  tomorrow. 

until then paintbrush...it's just me and this red dog whose hair is beginning to get clumped and matted together from tears and snot. 

turn it off

and in the freefall i
will realize...that i'm better off when i hit the bottom

indeed. 

time for mom's birthday

ready.set....

you.  i know you're reading this.  and i'm glad i at least have this little piece that's left connected to you.

6 months k? 

i'm already excited.

see you then cowboy.

"Gather up your courage like an armful of free clothes at a McQueen sample sale and follow your inner voice wherever it takes you."  -Kelly Cutrone

can't

getting out of bed seems impossible today.  everything is harsh and mean and pointless

RIP

a piece of me died tonight.  i literally felt it as it took its last breath.

if this is it...

if this is really it, and i lost him for good

i give up.  fact

today

i am, however, calling it quits and giving up on today.  good night.  see you in my dreams RM :(

piece by piece

i can't feel like this anymore.  i know i am ready to stop.  and i have already  begun and feel the difference...however...

i think i'm losing him.  and i can't :(  i just can't.  i can't give up.  i know i can turn into what he deserves.  what i should've been the whole time.

new lines and last lines

28 new lines added to my collection this week....and hopefully that is the last time i will have to do that.  or feel the need to.  i can't keep feeling like this.  and turns out it probably isn't bipolar at all....

i'm tired of feeling de-railed.  and at the end of the all will be him...hopefully.  i have to get that back

all encompassing

so big that it swallows you whole. 

please.

just kill me now.  i don't  want this anymore.  any of it.  i can't do it.  i quit.  please someone.   kill me

imaginary bliss

"i don't even picture it.  instead i'm in it.  how i would feel with him here.  that peace.  it would be so happy, and it makes me sad because it only exists in words."

 :( :( :( :(  almost a month later and this is no easier.  i don't know how i'm going to do this

.........

...........much better. 

please...something...ANYTHING

something positive and uplifting needs to happen soon.  its not that more bad things have been happening....everything thats bad has already happen and stripped me of practically everything i held dear.  but what is starting to chip away at what little sanity i have left is that nothing is changing. 

things fell apart and everything turned to ash, and it has stayed that way.  every day is slowly but surely becoming harder and more difficult to even cope with getting out of bed is becoming exhausting and tedious and tiresome and just.....not worth it. 

are you reading this?

yes.  YOU.  i don't know if you are actively checking back on here and reading whats going on.  or if you havent taken one look at it since the link was originally sent to you by email and you could careless.  i, kind of hope that you are/have been reading it.......but if you haven't that doesn't matter.  i have to get this out or i will, literally, and all joking aside, go insane and completely snap tonight/this morning, before "Thursday" has officially even begun.  so here YOU go.  yes.  YOU

i  miss you.  every night for the past 2 weeks ive been crying in bed before falling asleep.  every single day i have to find something to occupy myself so that my thoughts don't drift to you, but they still do...and if i let myself linger there in memories of your smile and your skin and your warmth and now your absence, i crack, and shudder, and i slowly start to fall apart.  i told myself i needed to do this for you and stop being a selfish pig for once,  i felt that if it was better for you and make things easier for you, then i would disappear. and thus i have......but the effect its having on me is no better.  i havent heard your voice in a week, and i am literally starting to loathe every single day and everything and everyone in it.  i feel like this is whats right for right now so you can concentrate on important things (i.e. not me), but i am officially having real and true withdrawals from no contact with you and its making this so much harder.

then today, something as mundane and minuscule and silly and small as chapstick....YOUR chapstick.  i found it in my truck today.  and i was completely shattered and fell apart on the spot.  my whole day/night was ruined.
it was a blatant reminder that you were everywhere.  you were my life, and i destroyed it and now you are gone and i have nothing.

something just cmae over me just now, and i completely went into a sobbing rage, punched a wall and tore holes right through my comforter before i realized what i was doing and had to calm down.  it was pure rage.  rage at myself because there's this nagging bitch of a whisper in the back of my mind who was quiet at first, but now is louder and is a staple in all my thoughts:  you had your shot, you fucked up worse than you have ever in your entire life, and now hes gone.  and he will never trust you again, and he will never love you again.  and he is so much better than you and the fact you even had him for as long as you did should be comfort enough.  give up now he will never forgive you and never trust you because you are WORTHLESS

 i don't know if i can do this without you.  do you hear me?  
not after the happiness and pure contentment i felt with you by my side. 

i doubt you even read this ... you have so many more important things going on and i know you're still in cali....i dont want to ruin anything else in your life more than i already have....so, here i am telling what i want to tell you to my blog.  oh how the mighty fall.

i miss not cursing god for me waking up again and having to face another day without you.  i miss ....fuck everything else to hell i miss YOU.

please be smiling.  please be happy and having fun wherever you are doing whatever your doing.

i love you.

see ya 'round cowboy.

:(

conception-development-birth

"it" was conceived a few days ago when i was browsing through random anime wallpapers and different DeviantArt.com graphics.  i saw the shape and colors of the whole thing and the way people's faces were pictured/placed.:::CONCEPTION:::..

i've been jostling this image of what i saw around in my brain thinking of...i dont know what, but what i could do with it.  something...i dont know what...i dont know if anything, but i couldnt get the image and the meaning of the picture out of my head .::::DEVELOPMENT:::.

and just now in the shower (which, ps, its amazing how doing something self destructive to your body resulted in me having a flash of what i'm going to do with this image in my head) my image became MY image and i know exactly how i'm going to proceed to give what i saw in my brain some life.  i need to get my printer working again though.......

and i think my crayola markers aren't gonna cut it for this one.  think i may need some paint and brushes

whoopsie

sharp and efficient and slick.  got the job done fastest ever.

just the way i like it.  and it's pink! aaahahahahahaha!

random thought of the day

things are not better.  i had a thought today while i was out at interviews/job fairs:  i have cried in bed before falling asleep every consecutive night for the past 2 weeks.

Clash at Demonhead

Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shapeshifting trick, the past again

i'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, everytime, everyone, ooo, pulls away, ooo
From you

Got balls of steel, got an automobile, for a minimum wage
Got real estate, I'm buying it all up in outerspace
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shapeshifting trick, the past again

I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, everytime, everyone, ooo, pulls a way, oo
Mechanical bull, the number one
You'll take a ride from anyone, everyone wants a ride, pulls away, oooh from you

absence

i miss you so much.  the entire world feels absolutely unbearable right now

fucking dog

this stupid red dog sitting here on my bed has me absolutely in pieces.  my keyboard is startiung to get wet.  i don't remember crying this much in my life. 

decisions someone needs to make

it had to be done.  i can't ruin anymore of him.


fuck.   just...fuck.  it all and everything.   :(

he went

i'm glad he went to the concert without me.  he deserved it and to have as much fun as i know he did

vs. the world

"SCOTT PILGRIIIIMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

books!

new books.  yeah.. :D

back the fuck off

seriously?  bitch leave me alone so i can go see my movie and come back to my room and hide from the world in peace.  i don't want to leave the house and i don't want to "be social."

decisions no one wants to make

despite the fact that he's gone due to my actions and i feel like i have this huge gaping hole that is open and rotting and festering in his absence, i feel that...i need to leave him alone for the time being.  i feel like every time i talk to him all im doing is serving as a reminder of what we were 3 weeks ago...and what we've become as of 2 weeks ago.  i know there are reasons to be angry at me.  i'm angry at me.  i fucking despise me.  but i think i need to let him be him for right now so he can ...well.......be him, and see if he even wants me around in the first place.

this hurts so much.  i'm so sorry

foul foul evening

sitting in my room listening to Teenage Dream and regretting every second of the past 2 weeks.  i fucked up so bad.  i hope our paths cross again :(

you're slowly letting me go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0LO6v43YCo

running from?

i just got back from the gym and just realized why it's been so easy to run as much as i've been running there.... every time i get tired i remind myself of what has transpired and it shifts from a cardio run/work out to running from myself.

how healthy

regularity

with the chaos that has erupted in my life over the past 2 weeks (as well as that which has, inadvertently, spread and damaged other people's lives too) you would think that i would need to allocated and lock down on some sort of element of stability/calm/order/positivity that i can incorporate into my life.

today i realized that there has been an element of stability/regularity that has surfaced ... but, unfortunately, it isn't anything that i think is necessarily a good thing:  i feel that i've become so withdrawn, introverted, and bound to this well of despair and depression that any sort of activity that involves prolonged exposure to anything social has me completely retreating into myself in pure anxiety and fear.  perfect example:  the only thing i absolutely have my heart set on doing right now is going to see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, because i get to sit in the dark and watch (what looks like) an absolutely incredible movie and i am not forced to interact with ANYONE or ANYTHING outside of my bag of gummie bears and my jumbosuperhuge Dr. Pepper. 
every activity involving friends, my mom, or people that i have been invited to or asked about for the past week i have immediately either purposely ignored or immediately shied away from like it was a dirty heroin needle fresh off an Intervention episode.

and i am in no rush to leave my room or talk to anyone.  this rain cloud might be staying a while. 

esp that i just got my trazodone rx refilled..................with ELEVEN refills backing it.  goodnight

i dont give a fuck

"i will admit there's a certain degree of giving a fuck that goes into not giving a fuck.  by saying you don't care if the world falls apart, in some small way you're saying you want it to stay together, on your terms"

the truth

"Me:  you know what sucks about love?
o.w.g:  what?
Me:  that it's tied to the truth"

so far, i'm in love with this book

sound of crashing

"I hang up before she can say anything else.  i switch off the phone.  i sit down on the curb.  i close my eyes.  and i scream.  if my whole world is going to crash down around me, then i am going to make the sound of the crashing.  i want to scream until all my bones break."

and the grammy goes to

my playlist:

Aftermath
Tegan & Sara -Night Watch
Flyleaf - Much Like Falling
Paramore - Brick by Boring Brick (Acoustic)
The Arcade Fire - Half Light II (No Celebration)
Jack's Mannequin - Kill the Messenger (Live)
Malcom McLaren - About Her
Matt and Kim - Lessons Learned
Paramore - Turn It Off (Acoustic)
Garbage - #1Crush
Paramore - When it Rains
Metric - Help I'm Alive
Tegan and Sara - Arrow
Telepopmusik - Breathe
Katy Perry - Circle the Drain
Radiohead - Talk Show Host
Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
Jack's Mannequin - Bruised
Frou Frou - Let Go
Dave Matthews Band - When the World Ends (Paul Oakenfold Remix)
Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
The Arcade Fire - Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)
Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars
Angels & Airwaves - A Little's Enough
Tiesto - Feel it In My Bones (Feat. Tegan & Sara)
30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill (Acoustic)
Linkin Park - Session
Death Cab for Cutie - Brothers on a Hotel Bed

a page in the book

"I'll be the page you'll rip out."

First Timer

i went to my first meeting tonight.  going to something once, passing judgment on the actual situation and everyone there, then telling it to fuck off would be a habit that would fall under the classification of the lifestyle i am attempting to move on/grow from...so i'm going to give it a couple more shots before i make my ultimate decision on what i'm going to do.

however, at first glance, i feel ....how to put this:  not good.  maybe it was that particular meeting following with the mantra of "different strokes for different folks."  everyone is different and, thus blends into different societal circumstances and with different elements/people.  but in all honesty, i felt as though the whole thing was utterly-depressing, profoundly self-defeating, and encompassed a notion of wallowing in pity/the nature of one's dire situation in which i found myself repressing constant urges to look at the clock to see how fast the hour was progressing. 

what needs to be found out of these meetings will be found one way or another; of this i am determined and focused on (i refuse to give up on gaining back what i've lost).  but i don't know if the actual attendance to said regular meetings is going to mesh well with me and how i think/process information and major changes that have taken place over the last few days that have pretty much destroyed my life and the one thing i truly held dear in it.

the Roast of David Hasselhoff is on Comedy Central on sunday.  i have to say i am embarrassingly excited about the horrible things that will be said during this roast. 

-me-

Circle the Drain

really Katy Perry?  is this song necessary right now?

Hayley Williams

during the last few days, i've been reminded and reeducated of how much i love Hayley Williams and Paramore. 


"and the worst part is, before it gets any better we're heading for a cliff"

Will Grayson, Will Grayson

"[he] knows how stupid i find these things, and he finds them just as stupid as i do...
[like] ttyl.  bitch, you're not actually talking.  that would require actual vocal contact.  or<3.  you think that looks like a heart?  if you do, that's only because you've never seen a scrotum.  "

more and more

it's only Wednesday, and getting out of bed every day is becoming increasingly difficult.  Everything seems so harsh and mean and unrelenting and difficult. 

......i  miss you :(

ps,
Barefoot Contessa doesn't help.  she's fat and stupid and in love with all of her gay friends

not so sweet home

i got the rest of my belongings from the other house today. 
there was this funny thing that happened....i was walking through the dining room back out to the front room, and the dining room has one of those hanging cheap home depot made chandeliers that hangs so low from the ceiling that if there isn't an actual dining room table underneath it, there is a very high statistical probability that someone's face will be colliding with said chandelier at any given moment during the evening.  anyway, after making a trip through the kitchen to make sure i grabbed everything, i was rather briskly walking away -- without looking might i add -- and i looked up and there was the chandelier coming at me.  then i felt his hand on the side of my face and he gently pushed me out of the way, avoiding any injury/loss of eyesight/etc. 

what is significant to me about this isn't the fact that mr psychiatrist had a hayday with prescribing me stuff enough to where i didnt even see this thing coming at me, but the feeling of his skin on my skin literally was like a blast of heat igniting on the side of my face, mixed with a bit of electricity.  in the 2 seconds we took to laugh at me being a fuck-tard and almost losing an eye, inside i got profoundly sad all over again, because i started to fiend and crave that touch and then realized that i can't have it anymore.  while activities came to a close and we realized that the last of my belongings had been cleared out, that's when my resolve began to crumble and i knew my exit had to be made soon, otherwise, i'd completely fall to pieces in front of him -- and from the looks of things, i think he had been cleaning the floor. 

it felt like a goodbye, just because of the immediate physical circumstances.  but i will answer your question back right now:  no it is NOT.  not from my end.  i know i screwed up.  that does not even begin to encompass the things that i've done.  but he is my boy and my sunshine.  and i will do what i have to. 

so now that that's done, i spent the rest of the evening putting my room back the way it was before i moved out.  there are some things missing...things he gave me, made for me, cards he gave me, the picture of us, but over all, my room is back up and running and it is back to the 'batcave retreat' status it had previously.

so then why does it feel even emptier than it did before?

i saw the sun today

after recognizing that i needed to get out of bed -- at some point or another -- i finally put my glasses on, checked the list of things that needed to be done as set out by parentals, and set about them.... one of them being to hose down the backyard patio (we have the 2 dogs that like to pee on everything BUT the grass)....

once i set foot outside, i realized that this was the 2nd time i'd seen the sun in about a week (not counting my first few steps of freedom out of Rawson-Neal)...and i hated it.  i hated everything about it:  i hated how bright it was, how it was all encompassing, how it wouldn't go the fuck away no matter where you walked, how it, somehow, in its incessant shining was holding some falsehearted promise that said "see?  everything is going to be fine."  so to the sun i say fie to you.  i promptly did what i needed to do, finished up, took a shower, and am back inside under a blanket where i belong.  at least in here i can't screw anything up. 

as for the real sunshine that i miss....i think i just have to be patient.  i made a horrible mess of things.  in every conceivable way, but i will not give up. and i can only hope that throughout all this and as i try to mend myself, neither will he. 

reiteration

i'd like to reiterate just in case anyone sees the title of my blog and thinks i'm bitter...this is in in no way written, blogged, or documented out of any feelings of bitterness or vengeance. 

again, it is written themed out of something i read:



"Or you know what it is?  You hate yourself so much you'll hurt anybody who loves you.  That's it isn't it.  Just to get even with them for loving you."

so no...no bitterness here.  if there is it is only towards myself

Following my Release from the Psychiatric Ward

i would just like to make everyone aware that there will be extensive, deep, and mass cuts of connections/friends from Facebook and Myspace over the next week.  Twitter has already been deactivated, so now I'm moving on to these 2.  Regarding any friends who find that connections to me have been severed, i want to say i am sorry.  i am in no way passing judgment on you and i harbor you no ill will, and some of you i care for as friends.  However, for me to be successful in this next endeavor, I can only achieve this by taking out certain elements of my life that are not conducive to what I am trying to achieve.  If you're feelings are hurt or you don't understand, I am sorry but that is the way it is going to be.  I have lost something through all this through my own deceitful actions and poor choices; something that is so dear and precious to me that I feel like I have literally had a piece of my body ripped off and away, and that I, myself, ripped it off.  There still may be hope, but while there is, I know what I have to do, and I see him waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.  And there will be NOTHING or ANYONE that will stand in my way of achieving this.  This is going to be for me.  And this is going to be for him.  I HAVE to get my sunshine back. 

Just To Get Even (Beginnings)

I figured that the title of my new, freshly birthed blog should have a bit of a disclaimer so as to explain that I did not create this blog with inspirations or motivations stemming from revenge or "striking back" at anyone.  Not at all.  While searching through my actual private journal, i found a quote that seemed appropriate, considering everything that has happened in the last few days.  :

"Or you know what it is?  You hate yourself so much, you'll hurt anybody who loves you.  That's it isn't it?  Just to get even with them for loving you."

Go back and read The Magicians if you're intrigued.

  essentially, the title of the blog stems from how i feel my actions can be explained over the recent past.  essentially, i screwed up.  bad.  that doesn't even sum it up.  last week, everything officially came crashing down in one of the biggest catastrophe movie like earthquake scenes you could imagine.  i don't want to get into too many details right now (it's my newly ativan-regulated bed time approaching) but to sum it up:  the party is over.  it stopped last week, and it crashed really hard, and there were a lot of casualties, one of which i'm still crying myself to sleep at night over.
many changes will be taking place over the next few weeks/months, and these will be permanent and will, hopefully, be me flourishing into a next chapter that isn't so...Party Monster.