What If?

This was so heavy that I had to post it up here.  Enjoy

I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do.  Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do.
"What if he doesn't handle it very well?"  I asked.
"Then," my friend replied, "you're going to have to handle it well."
"What if's" can make us crazy.  They put control over our life in someone else's hands.  "What if's" are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.
"What if's" are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what's best for us.  These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear.
The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don't have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction.  We don't need to control how others react to our choices.  We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome -- even the most uncomfortable.  And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well.

Today, I will not worry about other people's reactions, or events outside of my control.  Instead, I will focus on my reactions.  I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

Permanent State of Bereavement

After a while, Trism managed to say, "Are you sure you can fly in this condition?"

"What condition is that?  I've been in this condition my whole life."  Liir answered.  "It's the only condition I know.  Bitter love, loneliness, contempt for corruption, blind hope.  It's where I live.  A permanent state of bereavement.  This is nothing new."

 

Handle Your Shit

Ever read something and then feel like what you just read reached up off the page and bitch slapped you hard right in the mouth?  Yeah, well here's what did it to me this morning:

"For some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives...Our ability to remain open-minded disappears.  We may become angry and resentful toward anyone or anything.  We may being to reject those who were close to us.  We isolate ourselves.  We become sick of ourselves in a short time."

Well...that just summed up my last 2 weeks in a nut-shell.

Stop the pity-party and go handle your shit.

Forgiveness or Stupidity

Ever encounter a situation where you and another individual have a spat, but end up reuniting and moving forward with your friendship?  But then you have that moment where you're replaying events and paying attention to how you feel, and you can't help but to stop and ask yourself...

Am I really practicing new found levels of forgiveness that I used to condemn the entire world's wrong doings to hell for (and thus continuing to grow as a person?)

Or am I being naive and not paying attention to facts and setting myself up to repeat the same mistake and expecting different results (being the definition of insanity)

Hmmm..

We'll see. 

Playing the part of victim will be...

When you're actually sitting in the thicket of that particular feeling, it's hard to imagine that you'll not feel that way and actually be able to get moving to move forward and handle business.  But yesterday, I was thrown a little curve ball and was launched full into self-pity "God hates me" "it isn't fair" Victim mode.

Unfortunately, this feeling has a chain reaction affect on everything else you feel/do/act upon afterwards and, for me at least, I was pretty much paralyzed into being totally unmotivated, completely helpless, and "accepting" the then-apparent reality that I just must be alive only to suffer.

But thanks to some of the things I picked up over the last year, including being able to objectively look at whatever role my actions have played into the way things develop and also recognizing what it takes as far as action and foot-work goes if I want something to change, I was able to get out of that funk and today I am happy to report that playing the role of victim is GROSSLY unattractive, not productive, and most of the time, inaccurate in that it is a skewed sense of reality.

I was not and am not the "victim of circumstance" in this situation and this is a firm reminder that everything you do, don't do, say, don't say, act on, or don't act on -- all have consequences.  Sometimes those consequences might be immediate in coming to fruition, but sometimes they may not come around until later, making them all the harder to identify as far as being able to look at them objectively and tied to who did what.  I always have a role or part to play in my day, and by looking at what that role has been and can be, it will help to come into acceptance of whatever situation I find myself in and then help me to act in the best way.

Round 2?

I think I may start blogging here again.  As therapeutic as writing in my actual journal is (as well as it being the "endorsed" method I'm supposed to use) I find that once my fingers start moving over the keys the thoughts tend to flow a bit more freely and the mental/emotional/spiritual/psychological diarrhea just comes pouring out.

Gross right?

We'll see.  Not like anyone reads anyway, but I realized that this is for me, not anyone else.  so THERE. =P

Oops!

"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."

Mistakes!  We all know how it feels to make them.  Many of us feel that our entire lives have been a mistake.  We often regard our mistakes with shame or guilt -- at the very least, with frustration and impatience.  We tend to see mistakes as evidence that we are still sick, crazy, stupid or too damaged to recover.

In truth, mistakes are a very vital and important part of being human.  For particularly stubborn people (such as us), mistakes are often our best teachers.  There is no shame in making mistakes.  In fact, making new mistakes often shows our willingness to take risks and grow.

It's helpful though, if we learn from our mistakes; repeating the same ones may be a sign that we're stuck.  And expecting different results from the same old mistakes -- well, that's what we call "insanity."  It just doesn't work.

Just for today:  Mistakes aren't tragedies.  But please, help me learn from them!

Just For Today

I haven't made a post on here since last summer before everything imploded, so logging back into where I was keeping a log of the chaos of my self-destruction and slow self induced death is stirring up quite a bit of shit.  But I'm going to forgo even reading any of the posts I made in the crystal haze I was in and take this opportunity to be of service to someone I love.  I found this pamphlet on my desk and remembered its message and realized that someone should definitely give it a read.  So, here you go:

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When we came into the program, we made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of a Higher Power.  This surrender relieves the burden of the past and the fear of the future.  The gift of today is now in proper perspective.  We accept and enjoy life as it is right now.  When we refuse to accept the reality of today, we are denying our faith in our Higher Power. This can only bring more suffering. 

We learn that today is a gift with no guarantees. With this in mind, the insignificance of the past and future, and the importance of our actions today, become real for us. This simplifies our lives.

When we focus our thoughts on today the nightmare of drugs fades away, overshadowed by the dawn of a new reality.  We find that, when we are troubled, we can trust our feelings to another recovering addict.  In sharing our past with other addicts we discover we are not unique, that we share common bonds.  Talking to other members, whether to share the trials and tribulations of our day with them or allowing them to share theirs with us, is a way our Higher Power works through us.

We have no need to fear if today we stay clean, close to our Higher Power and our friends.  God has forgiven us of our past mistakes, and tomorrow is not yet here.  Meditation and a personal inventory will help us gain serenity and guidance throughout this day.  We take a few moments out of our daily routine to thank our God, as we understand God, for giving us the ability to cope with today.

"Just for today" applies to all areas of our lives, not just abstinence from drugs.  Reality has to be dealt with on a daily basis.  Many of us feel that God expects no more of us than to do the things that we are able to do today.

Working the program has given us a new outlook on our lives. Today, we no longer need to make excuses for who we are.  Our daily contact with a Higher Power fills the empty places inside that could never be filled before.  We find fulfillment in living today.  With our Higher Power guiding us we lose the desire to use.  Perfection is no longer a goal today, we can achieve adequacy.

We can replace loneliness and fear with the love of fellowship and the security of a new way of life.  We never have to be alone again.  In our friends and fellowship, we have made more true friends than we ever believed possible.  Self-pity and resentments are replaced by tolerance and faith.  We are given the freedom, serenity, and happiness we so desperately sought.

A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive.  If we do not take the time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.  Our principles for living will guide us in recovery when we use them.  We find it necessary to continue to do so on a daily basis.

Love you N

xoxo

M