November 30 - -Sharing the real me

I read this this morning and it stopped me dead in my tracks.  This was God directly speaking to me and my current situation of where I'm at in my life:
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                                 "Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and aloner."
                                                                                        Basic Text, page 85

Intimacy is the sharing of our innermost thoughts and feelings with another human being.  Many of us long for the warmth and companionship intimacy brings, but those things don't come without effort.  In our addiction, we learned to guard ourselves from others lest they threaten our using.  In recovery, we learn how to trust others.  Intimacy requires us to lower our defenses.  To feel the closeness intimacy brings, we must allow others to get close to us -- the real us.
If we are to share our innermost selves with others, we must first have an idea of what those innermost selves are truly like.  We regularly examine our lives to find out who we really are, what we really want, and how we really feel.  Then, based on our regular inventories of ourselves, we must be as completely and consistently honest with our friends as we can be.
Intimacy is a part of life, and therefore a part of living clean -- and intimacy, liker everything in recovery, has its price.  The painstaking self-scrutiny intimacy calls for can be hard work.  And the total honesty of intimacy often brings its own complications.  But the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings is well worth the effort.

Just For Today:  I seek the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings.  Today, I will get to know "the real me" by taking a personal inventory, and I will practice being completely honest with another person.

Lights, camera....ACTION

So the initial shock and despair that overtook me this week upon hearing the news that my rental assistance was ending is starting to dissipate.l  I spent the entire week with my head buried in the sand, ignoring the problem and ignoring facing my feelings regarding the subject, like if I ignored them they would just magically resolve themselves and be gone when I resurfaced.  Unfortunately that's not how things work and today was my first day actually assessing myself and the situation and accepting it for what it is, how it's made me feel, and yet at the same time regardless of how I feel, what kind of action that I need to get into and steps I need to take in order to use the next 60 days wisely to set myself up for success, not failure, and end up creating some situation where I get to cry victim.
While yes, it is unfair that I am losing my apartment, however, upon talking to a friend in recovery today, they put an entirely different spin/outlook on the whole situation that I would've never even thought of if they had not pointed it out from this vantage point.  You see, originally, I was viewing this as some kind of punishment or karma from God or the Universe by sending ill will or a bad occurrence my way.  But my friend, in response, corrected me and said "This isn't God punishing you.;  It's his way of telling you that you're ready for a new phase in your life and sending you the right circumstances to pass into that phase out of the one you're currently in."
BOOM!!! #mindblown

So I'm slowly coming to terms that come February 1st, yes I will be moving (or, hopefully, taking on a new roommate).  Also, I'm starting to gear up and get ready to take some action and make some moves that need to be done and taken in order for me to take care of myself, my life, my well being, and, ultimately as my friend put it today, "take action to set myself up for success,  not failure."

What the fuck do you mean they ran out of money?

Okay, so after a post I made on my Facebook earlier this week about receiving some potentially devastating news, I know I left any faithful viewers out there hanging in suspense because I never followed up on if the news DID turn out to be legitimately life-altering, or if it was, as my mom was originally calling it "just a mistake."  Unfortunately, after careful examination of the letter I received in the mail from the Southern Nevada Regional Housing Authority, it appears as though come January 31, 2016, all rental assistance benefits (which is what I have been receiving in the form of them paying 80% of my rent each month, which is how I've been able to afford living in a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment all by myself) will cease and stop because the program established for this purpose has run out of funds....THEY RAN OUT OF FUCKING MONEY.  Then, on top of that, the letter closes by also informing me that although I am no longer going to be receiving rental assistance, I am also INELIGIBLE receive any assistance from other Section 8/housing assistance programs.
And, this was oh so sweet of the Housing Authority...guess what they did?  They sent a copy of this letter to my apartment complex office too, so they could read the report.  Once reviewing it, they informed me that on December 1st, per the terms of the lease agreement I have to come into the office and sign a document that says I agree to vacate the property within 60 days.  So, in a nutshell, come February 1st, I'm going to be fucking homeless.  Again.
You know, I understand everyone has their own path and their own set of circumstances and that the Universe unfolds each person's destiny specifically as it's supposed to be laid out for that person but I'm sorry.....this is some bull shit.  After all the "just keep doing the next right thing" and all the "keep coming back" and all the "don't pick up no matter what" and all the meetings and writing assignments and steps and self-examinations and fearless and moral inventories and after all the sharing and all that BULLSHIT, the Universe decides that apparently it is in my karma to have my FUCKING HOME TAKEN FROM ME.
So needless to say I haven't been handling it too well and have basically been a completely fucking bitch ass emotional trainwreck all week and I feel like life is attacking me from all sides and I'm about to implode.

Shift

Well, it certainly has been an interesting week.  Interesting and fucking stressful and frustrating.  My main complaint has been this stomach bug that I picked up somewhere along my adventures that has basically had me scared to leave my apartment because I needed to be in close proximity to a bathroom at all times (that's as graphic as I'm going to get, you figure out the rest).  As a result, I pretty much went the entire week without going to a meeting because of my fear of not being close to a bathroom.  My original line of thought was "oh it'll be gone in a day or 2 I'll just wait for it to pass and get back to a meeting then).  Well it didn't pass in a day or 2.  It lasted all goddamn week, and as a result I didn't go to a meeting all week, which has resulted in me being absolutely bat-shit bonkers crazy and completely self-obsessed and self-absorbed and self-defeating and negative and have been downright mean towards myself and a lot of other people I've crossed paths with this week.  Yesterday was my first day getting back into a meeting and I felt instantaneously better the moment I walked in and sat down and heard the meeting taking place.  I have to wrap this entry up here shortly because I'm going to another meeting this morning, but just wanted to check in about where I'm at this morning after this past week.  I won't go into too much detail as that will violate some anonymity and privacy of my life and other's lives I'd like to maintain, but in summary, my entire focus and attention and efforts have been centralized into certain areas that are proving to be completely fruitless and have left me feeling helpless, hopeless, lonely, frightened, skeptical, cynical, negative, mean, conniving, manipulated, manipulative, deceived, and overall, downright bitter.  After throwing in the towel last night to all of it and going to bed at 7pm last night, I slept over 12 hours, woke up this morning, and had a new sense of clarity with what I needed to do, how to go about doing it, and the actions I could take, one step at a time, to re-shift the focus from these other elements that have left me with all these negative feelings, and back on to me and feeling good about myself, my life, and my surroundings and the people I surround myself with.  That being the case, time to end this entry and take another action that will reaffirm my course correction towards positivity and well-being and prosperity and happiness:  time to go to a motherfucking meeting.

11/16/2015

New week, fresh start, fresh outlook.  That pretty much sums up where I'm at this morning.  I fell asleep early last night (again) and, consequently, woke up early this morning.  Normally I wouldn't be caught dead waking up at 6 AM but since I passed out while reading a book last night around 7, I think I got plenty of sleep to wake up that early.  I'm kinda mad at myself though because I fell asleep reading "The Magician's Land" which I have been trying to get into and really get a good momentum going reading this book for the last 2 weeks.  It's the third in "The Magicians" series and the first two books were incredible so I'm expecting another incredible third installment with this one, I've just been so busy with other shit that I haven't been able to dive into the book like I usually do and fly through 100 pages a day like I was doing with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  But as they say:  "progress, not perfection" so I'm chugging along through as many pages as I can each time I sit down with the book.
I've had a pretty productive morning so far; have yet to talk to my sponsor and to talk to some other friends that I check in with every day , but I'm sure I'll catch them at some point.  That's another commitment I'm making to myself this week:  STAY CONNECTED.  For me, for this junkie, self-sufficiency is a lie and I cannot be left alone with my own thoughts and my own mind unsupervised for any length of time.  Otherwise, I'll go crazy because I'll start to believe the bullshit and lies that my head tells me about myself:  that I'm a fat fucking pig and disgusting slob and that nobody would want to spend time with me and that nobody will ever want me and that I'm damaged goods and tainted and who in their right mind would see anything desirable in me and that I should just lock myself in my apartment 24/7 and spare the world the pain of having to put up with me (yes, this is really the shit that I find my mind telling myself throughout the day).  But when I stay connected and stay in touch with my friends, (my "Inner Circle" core group) I'm told that I am loved, and am reminded that I have people that care about me and that will call me just to check on me to see how I'm doing; people that basically are loving me until I am able to love myself.
So this week, in summary, we're focusing on 2 areas:  meetings and staying connected to my friends.

Ready.  Set.  Go!

Get Your Day Started Off Right...

...and go to a meeting first thing in the morning as soon as you wake up.  It does WONDERS for your frame of mind and thought process and ability to see the day for what it is:  another chance of possibilities and opportunities to do something with yourself.  I woke up this morning right on time (7 minutes before my alarm was set to go off in fact), did my morning routine, got dressed, and headed out for the bus stop to catch the bus down to the 3M Club for a meeting at 9:30 that's, quite simply, called "Sunday Morning Meeting."  I got there a couple minutes late (fucking bus *SMH*) but I got there nonetheless, and I was pleasantly surprised.  The meeting had a good turn out, I recognized some familiar faces that I hadn't seen in while, I got to share and vent some of the steam I've accumulated over the past week so I got to participate in my recovery, and then I got to shut up for an hour and listen to others talk and speak about their lives and experiences, which reminded me that, despite what I think/believe...I am NOT the center of the universe, and shit does not revolve around me and my will.  There are other people here too, each of us trying to do the best we can with what we've got, and it's always humbling to go to a meeting and to hear others talk and for me to just shut up for once and open myself up to different experiences and different lives from people.
After the meeting, I headed home, stopped off at Walgreen's and did some essentials shopping, which turned out to be a little expensive because I got what my mom calls "Shiny Thing Syndrome" and ended up "needing" a fuck ton of toiletries and what not.  And now I'm  home.
Mom's coming by afterwards when she's done having lunch with a friend, but other than that, quiet, peaceful, serene, drama-free Sunday.  And I like it.  :-]

A New Special Somebody? And Thanksgiving Plans

So, totally random, and I know I'm probably going to get a ton of shit for this (from my sponsor, my mom, and all my friends in recovery, the list goes on and on), and yes, I know:  "no relationships for the first year" and all that.  But, being an addict and a junkie, when are we known to follow the goddamn rules?  Yeah, never.  So here I am...and I think I've landed myself in a situation where, as of today, I think I'm dating someone.  I'm still replaying the events of the last 24 hours in my head (all good, no drama or anything like that) and it all seems surreal and too good to be true.
After the nearly fatal toxicity of my relationship with Drew and the gut wrenching soul crushing break up afterwards, it absolutely broke me, shattered me inside, and left me damaged.  After that,I've basically been living true to my vow to absolutely NO RELATIONSHIPS OR DATING UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.  I was closed for business in that department until I was able to sort through all the emotions that the Drew situation still conjures in me to this day.  But I met somebody that, quite literally overnight, turned out to be pretty incredible, and we talked today and agreed to give it a try.  I chose my words very carefully as I talked this out with him because I didn't want to make any promises that I won't be able to keep, and I gave a full disclosure of what he was getting himself into:  a fucked up codependent mess with tons of baggage and trust issues, and that still didn't scare him away.  So we shall see where this goes.  I'm hopeful, but cautiously optimistic.
Otherwise, Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and mom and I talked about it and we thought of something completely different to do this year than cooking enough food to feed an army then entering a food-induced comatose vegetative state after gorging ourselves on said food.  Instead of the feast, I think we're going to volunteer at the Las Vegas Rescue Mission and give some of our time to those less fortunate, especially on a day like Thanksgiving where my mom and I have each other, I have my friends and tons of blessings in my life, and I would have a whole table over flowing with food, while these people have absolutely nothing but the clothes on their backs and are probably fucking starving for a decent meal and shelter for the night.  Nothing screams "humbling" more than that in my head for a Thanksgiving experience.  
More soon.  Stay tuned faithful followers.

Another keytag

Today at the 10:30 meeting I went to I collected my 30 day key tag...yet again.  It's been 30 days since I re-committed myself back to recovery after relapsing from re-recommitting myself back to recovery.  I know I should be proud of myself like my friends are telling me and I should probably be more excited than I was at the meeting when I stood up to collect the tag, but I have this lingering sentiment in the back of my mind that's telling me not to get excited, don't celebrate this at all, and to wait for it to end up being a failure because that's my MO:  fucking shit up, and chances are, I'm probably going to fuck this up, again, too..  So I guess I'm stuck in a wait and see mode right now.  Yeah I got 30 days okay cool, but it was a total buzz kill when I got home from the meeting and opened my shoe box full of sentimental items and I added yet another white key tag to the 987987106543210562314065465 ones I already have in there.  I'm being told I should be proud, but all I feel like is a failure and not good enough and that I'll never get this right.  Bleh

How am I?

I was asked that question today when on the phone with one of my best friends that I consider to be part of my "inner circle."  She asked me how I was doing and what was going on with me.  I stopped for a second, gathered my thoughts, and told the truth.  And after stating my truth, I realized that I'm not 100% okay right now.  As I continued to expound and explain my current mental status and where I'm at today, I realized that I've been plagued with negative affirmations, self-defeating affirmations, and claims and sentiments about myself that all scream how much I hate myself and that, tomorrow being 30 days I'll have clean (yet again), I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my mind to not get too excited, don't celebrate too hard, because I'm probably just going to fuck it up again.  Because that's my MO:  fucking shit up.  I got a PhD in it.  Ever since I got into recovery and started trying to practice this program, I always start to string a considerable amount of clean time together, then go and fuck it up by scoring again and reverting back to full tweaker status in an instant, faster than you can blink.  So I guess, to answer the question of how am I today:  I feel very unsure of myself and very unsure of my recovery and its strength.  I feel very shaky on the foundation upon which I'm standing right now which is also the foundation upon which I'm trying to re-build and establish a life for myself.  I know about the disease and that it's a disease that tells us lies and in our own voice so we believe it and buy into all the self-destructive, self-defeating, self-hating, negative thoughts that it tells us that are true about ourselves.  I know it's all lies.  But when left alone for long enough and I isolate myself to a certain extend and I don't stay in contact with my friends and those who love me who are there to provide me with the truth of what they see in me....when left to my own devices, I buy into the lies and accept them as reality.  And suddenly I'm a worthless piece of shit all over again who doesn't deserve any of what he has in his life and deserves to be suffering, not thriving; not having friends; not smiling; not being happy; not having any sense of peace or serenity in his life.   Yeah, I buy into that shit and I fucking believe it.  I guess the answer is I just can't be left to my own devices or left without supervision with my thoughts and mind for extended periods of time, otherwise, I can easily see myself de-evolve back into a frame of mind where I was on self-destruct mode, and if you weren't there to help aide me in my quest to destroy myself, then you had no place in my life and you needed to get the fuck out of my way.

I don't want to live like that today.  Not anymore.

Lazy Saturday

So I was supposed to/planning on going to a 10 AM meeting at the 3M Club...However, I, apparently, was too comfortable and cozy because I slept RIGHT through that alarm and I just woke up a little while ago.  That kinda stinks because the meeting I was planning on going to is a good meeting (been there once, it's a men's stag meeting, and I loved it), and the pickings for meetings close to me for the rest of the day are slim.  But I just checked the schedule and found the 9 PM at Mountain View Hospital "Saturday Night Surrender" so that's on my meeting/recovery agenda for the day.
I'm also finding myself sending up quite a few prayers to God regarding the interview I had yesterday.  It wasn't until the interview was over and I had a chance to think about the implications of acquiring that position and what it would mean for me, both for my self-esteem and for me financially, and I realized:  I REALLY want this job.  The only thing that might be a road block is the fact that I don't have my own car, because Coco (the boss lady I was interviewed by) said that sometimes they need someone to go post notices on various properties under their company, and that's when I told her I commute via bus and she said that might be a problem =\  So hopefully they see my skill set and what I have to offer if hired, and the whole bus issue can be overlooked.
Additionally, the countless emails I've been sending out and time spent on job hunting is really starting to bear some fruit because I'm not starting to receive floods of calls and emails from employers responding to my cover letter and resume. I have another interview scheduled with a luxury home company Monday morning at 10:30, so I've got to print out more copies of my resume and get ready for another opportunity to knock someone's socks off Monday morning.
I know some of you reading this are wondering what effect this will have on my recovery, and some of you have clearly stated that getting a job is not the right thing to do right now because my focus will shift from recovery to the job.  But I've thought about it, and to obtain and retain a job, the focus sort of HAS to be shifted because maintaining that job and your livelihood is a priority just as recovery is.  Plus, honestly, all this free time I have on my hands is no good for me because with too much free time I end up losing the wind in my sails and easily fall into laziness and complacency and tend to fuck off my responsibilities more so than if I were to have a routine schedule and have things I'm held accountable to, like showing up to work on time, leaving the apartment on time to make sure I have enough time to commute via busses to my job, etc.  So if I become employed, I may not be making 2 or 3 meetings a day like I've been trying to do, but 1 meeting a day is sufficient and if I happen to miss a day here or there, it's not the end of the world.  What matters is staying connected, staying grounded, humble, honest, in integrity, open-minded, willing, and keeping faith in my God to take care of me on this new chapter of my life that could potentially happen here after not having a job for the past 3 years.

So keep your fingers crossed and send up a prayer or two for me.  I really want this job...fuck, ANY job.  Something to channel my motivation and creativity and skill sets and talents into other than just sitting and reading and journaling all day every day.  Recovery is great, but it needs to lead to other things, such as being employable again.  And I think I'm at that point.

I hope so at least.

xoxo

Adult

I can't believe I'm up this early.  And this being a by-product of going to bed at a reasonable hour in anticipation/preparation for today.  You see, I have an interview scheduled at 10 this morning, and I wanted to do everything in my power to set myself up for success, which included going to bed at a reasonable hour, doing some homework and research last night about my SSI / SSD benefits in relation to getting a job, and prepping for my interview last night, making sure everything was ready for presentation and that I was ready to rock this morning and not have to stress about anything except for which tie to wear.  So far so good.  I am nervous though.  The position I'll be interviewing for is Assistant Property Manager at a real estate/property management company.  While I have extensive experience in administrative real estate work, I have minimal experience when it comes to the property management side of things, so hopefully the skill-set I have now is enough to impress them and prove me a desirable hire regardless of my lack of knowledge of the property management world.  So, resumes are ready, portfolio for presentation is ready, outfit is picked out (still haven't decided on the tie though), and game face is on.  Ready to knock their socks off.
Other than that, happy Friday to everyone reading this.  Normally on Fridays I go to a meeting in Summerlin at 6pm.  But the person that I usually catch a ride with isn't going tonight, so I'll be hitting the 2:30 meeting instead so I can get my meeting in for the day to keep my crazies at bay.  Anyway, still have some stuff to do before I leave for the interview.  Time to get moving.

Happy Friday everyone!

Stay tuned.

Self Sufficiency is a LIE

Got another great night's sleep.  And, again, woke up feeling oddly calm about everything that's been stressing me out lately.  What my sponsor said yesterday about ignoring myself really hit home, so as of yesterday I did some mental gymnastics and reexamined my priorities and what was placed where on the list of important things, and realized I needed to re-shuffle the list a bit and put myself back on the top, as well as my recovery.  Making at least a meeting a day, preferably 2 is now a priority.  Focusing on myself and bettering myself is again a priority.  Not inviting drama, disease, ill-will, negative energy, or those who don't have my best interests at heart is now a priority.  Reconnecting with my friends in my "inner circle" and my support group is now a priority.  Reconnecting with my mom is again a priority.  All of these things, I realized, are things that I've been lacking over the last couple weeks and have resulted in me feeling shaky and unsure of myself in all areas of my life, second guessing myself with whatever I was doing and asking myself if I was doing the right thing or not no matter what I was doing:  and I HATE second guessing myself and not being confident in myself or my actions and knowing that I'm doing the right thing.  So what better place to reaffirm knowing what/how to do the next right thing than by throwing myself head first back into meetings and recovery and also making the effort to make sure I reach out to my friends every single day whether it's through a phone call or a quick text message; just so that I made the effort to stay connected, let them know I'm alive and thinking of them, that I need them, and to know they're alive and kickin' too.  Because, the Basic Text says it best:  "self-sufficiency is a lie."  
I also sucked it up and started working on a writing assignment my sponsor gave me a few days ago.  I've been avoiding working on it because I looked at the questions he wanted me to answer and I chose to ignore it for a few days because I realized that some of the answers were going to be painful or uncomfortable to look at, so I figured if I just buried my head in the sand and ignored it that it would go away.  Needless to say, that's not how reality works, because the assignment was still there when I took my head out of the sand.  So last night I finally sat down and started working on it.  And yes, as expected, from the first question, it was extremely uncomfortable and sorta depressing to write out some of the things I was feeling, but applying myself to bettering myself through recovery takes discipline and commitment and I'm committed to not being a fucking crazy mess, so if that means working on this assignment, then working on this assignment is what I'll do.
That's all for now.  Time to get ready for meeting #1 of the day.
Stay tuned faithful viewers.  More will be revealed.

Why Would You Ignore Yourself?

It;s amazing what over 12 hours of sleep can do for you.  This is only further evidence that convinces me that your brain is still working while you're asleep, processing current circumstances and problems you're currently facing, working towards a solution and/or acceptance of whatever factors you currently find yourself in.  Yesterday I was stressed to the max, feeling stretched so thin mentally that I felt I would snap at any minute.  I went to a meeting yesterday, came home, and just relaxed and took care of myself and ate a good meal, then passed the hell out and woke up at around 8:30, only to take a shower, take all my nighttime meds, and go right back to sleep until just about an hour ago.  And I feel like I have a completely new outlook on everything.  I feel like I've gained acceptance for certain circumstances and for "what is" right now and that I'm okay with the way things are for the moment.
My sponsor had some amazing words of wisdom to share yesterday too.  On Saturday, he gave me a writing assignment which I've been putting off and ignoring because the questions involve some answers that are going to be very uncomfortable and painful to look at, so I've done the whole "bury my head in the sand" trick and have been acting like it's not there so I don't have to face it, thinking that maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away.  When I told C____ this he said "Do you like it when other people blatantly ignore you?"  To which I answered "no..."  To which he responded with:

"Then why would you ignore yourself?"

BOOM!

So today, I'm committed to working on this writing assignment he gave me and unveiling some uncomfortable truths about what's going on in my head lately.  Also, I think I'm committing to three meetings today, because I haven't been to many lately, and I'm definitely feeling it as my crazy level has been slowly mounting and climbing and it's taking more and more mental exertion to contain the pressure between my ears.

Stay tuned.

Target

I may be imaging things, I may be paranoid, I may be blowing things totally out of proportion, but over the last week after observing some things about my surroundings and certain variables that have suddenly become present in my life, I'm 99.9% certain that I...how to put this...let's just say I quite possibly have a target on my back.  I may be totally imagining things, but I keep seeing things day after day that only affirm my suspicions.  If this is all true, then I could be in very serious trouble.  Hopefully I'm wrong and my anxiety disorder is just getting the best of me and I'm imagining shit.

As for Palm Springs boy, I've decided on  what to do.  And that is:  nothing.  Sometimes the best course of action is to stay still and wait and take no action and let things play out themselves.  And I feel that's exactly what this situation requires.  I'm not going to chase after him to try and help him, I'm not going to wire him money, I'm not going to post ads on Craigslist for him, I'm not going to help him until he's ready for help and is at that level of desperation where you'll take help in any way you can get it and you're grateful for it, not help with conditions attached or stipulations or certain standards of what kind of assistance you think you should get.  So for now, he can figure it out for himself.  I'm re-shifting the focus back on to myself and I'll hear from him when I hear from him.

New Month and New Resolve

Well November is here.  With each new month is another opportunity for me to get my finances back on track.  I've done the research and put the time into it and have already formulated a budget for my finances that'll result in me being able to accumulate money back into my savings account each month, IF I stick to the budget.  But being the impulsive person I am and the way I get what my mom calls "shiny thing syndrome" whenever I'm at a store, I haven't followed the laid out budget at all for the past few months, and I'm constantly in the negative each month as I'm, as Suze Orman would put it, "living beyond my means."  The thought of being a broke hobo with no money and no home and not enough resources scares the shit out of me because I've already been there, done that (back in 2013) and let me tell you:  I will NEVER be in that type of situation again.  It is one of my biggest fears and biggest motivating factors in wanting to get back on track financially so that I'm saving money each month, not blowing through it just because I see something in Walmart, Target, or Walgreen's that I think I absolutely "need."
In other news, Palm Springs guy and I finally made contact with each other, and he's in very bad shape and is pretty much in a corner with his back against a wall and no options...and he's asked me for help.  I'm torn and don't know what to do.  On the one hand, I want to stick to my boundaries and I keep replaying our big fight in my mind back in Palm Springs when I finally got out of the car and basically told him to go fuck himself and walked away and then had to spend $200 of my savings account money to get myself back to Las Vegas.  On the other, I hear the pain and fear and desperation in his voice and know that there's pretty much nobody left that'll help him and I know what it's like to be in that kind of situation so that stirs up feelings of empathy and compassion in me and makes me want to help.  So I'm conflicted between sticking firm to my boundary of tough love and detaching with love and letting him figure it out for himself as these are the consequences of his actions and behaviors and choices OR spending more of my time and energy and efforts to help save him from even more catastrophe.  Not sure what to do.  How much is too much and when do you let go and let them figure it out for themselves?

The Convention with a side of mixed messages

So the big NA convention was this weekend.  My mom was kind enough to pay the registration fee for me, so I got to go for free (even though nobody checked me in with my confirmation email when I got there, so I could've gone for free anyway lol).  I fully intended to attend on Friday night, especially since I had signed up for a commitment to help chair one of the marathon meetings for my friend A_____.  Unfortunately, God had other plans in store for me that evening which I don't want to go into detail on here, but long story short, I ended up having to race back home and deal with some drama.  By the time everything was said and done and taken care of, I didn't want to take the bus all the way back down to the Orleans so I just stayed home.
Saturday, however, I planned appropriately because I wanted to be sure I was there for the Roll Call and Clean Time Countdown and the main speaker.  So, instead of going to the Orleans earlier on in the day and spending hours there and getting sick of it and leaving before the main speaker, I decided to wait until evening to head down there and got there right at around 6:30, which was perfect because all the events that I wanted to be there for started at 7.  The roll call and clean time countdown were both equally awesome, mainly the countdown because the energy of love and support and fellowship was practically palpable in the room as they neared closer and closer down to 1 day clean.  As those who had less then 1 month clean all stood up and the entire crowd erupted into applause, it took me a moment to soak in what I was seeing:  the passion and love and support of a mass group of people, all with the same desire - to help others who suffer from addiction and show them a solution to what's wrong with us, and that we're not alone.  So it was a pretty emotional moment and at that moment I was also very proud to be a member of this program.  I may not work it perfectly, but I fucking work what I can dammit and I'm going to keep coming back even if it takes a millions times, but I will not give up.
Other than that, the next morsel of information is about He Who Shall Not Be Named that I made an emergency escape from in Palm Springs.  I got a text last night saying the following:  "I miss you."   .........WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That infuriates me.  How one day he went from saying some of the most offensive and bigotry-rooted comments regarding myself and all gay people in general and then having to jump out of the car and get away from him ASAP, then to the next day sending me texts saying he misses me.  I don't get it.  The whole thing really confuses me and I can't even wrap my head around it.  I've also been trying to determine where he is exactly (if he's back in Vegas or still out on the road trying to get his hustle on).  He needs to come pick up his belongings and soon because I am not a storage unit and I will donate it all to the Las Vegas Rescue Mission or something.  So hopefully I hear from him soon.