January 26 - Off The Hook

We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships -- behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency.  More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her.  That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game.  We need to recognize it.  We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable, and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy?  Guilt?  Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much.  Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing.  It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out.  Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another?  We need to insist that we behave in direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it.  Require the same from ourselves.  If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.

Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized.  I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honest I, and others, deserve.

"Not Good Enough!"

So my head was messing with me yesterday.  I woke up and to sum it all up, I had a case of the "not good enoughs."  I woke up and started writing on my Step 3, and didn't feel like I was writing enough, so I closed the books and said "Fuck this."  Next, I tried to sketch/draw a little bit, but I hated the finished product so I put that down and said "fuck this."  Then, I tried to sit down and read for a while but felt like I wasn't reading enough, got frustrated, said "Fuck this" and put the book down.  I was getting so frustrated with everything and myself.  I considered calling my Sponsor but my head lied to me and told me not to bother him because he had his own stuff going on and probably would be bothered if I called him (this was not true, but we'll come back to this later).  So I stopped and utilized something I learned from the program, "The Reset."  When you're having a bad moment (morning, afternoon, etc.) you don't have to let it turn into a whole bad day, you can reset and start the day over again at any time.  So I laid down for a nap to reset, woke up 3 hours later and was completely refreshed and had new lenses on my focus of the day.  My writing was okay, my drawing wasn't that bad, and I've been reading like crazy and acknowledged that, so I picked up the book again and now I'm almost finished with it.
I also ended up going to my Home Group meeting last night at 6 and met up with my Sponsor there and told him everything that had gone on and he told me that I SHOULD'VE called him and that I can always try to call him and that he's always available for me and that when my head told me to not bother him, that was my disease fucking with me.
So, in summary, my head made me a little crazy yesterday and, even though I did listen to it by not calling my sponsor, I still utilized tools I've learned from the program and got through it.

Step 2 Review

I went over my Step 2 yesterday with my Sponsor.  It wasn't as intense or emotionally raw as my 1st step, but it was still very insightful.  I learned a lot, reaffirmed a lot of what I already knew (or had a hunch about), and revealed a lot more of myself to my Sponsor.  We also hit 2 meetings yesterday and our shitty meeting luck I talked about earlier this week seems to have gone away as both meetings we went to yesterday were really good.
Today I'm going to move ahead and get started on my Step 3, hit the gym with S____ and then later tonight we're going to my home group at 6pm.  Not much else to report.  And I'm a-okay with that today.  I don't need a bunch of drama to be going on or chaos happening to feel comfortable.  I like my new quiet, peaceful life =)

January 22 - Accepting Our Past

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness.  But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth.  Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons.  Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes?  Necessary.  Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress?  Necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned.  We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today.  Each step of the way, we progressed.
Is our past a mistake?  No.  The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.

Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships.  I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.

1/22/2015

Yesterday was great!  I got to see N___!  I skipped the gym yesterday because S____ and I decided to take a rest day but we still went to the Noon meeting, which btw, was, as I was hoping for yesterday, a fucking NORMAL meeting (finally).  I definitely needed it.  I felt like I finally got a dose of medicine I had been lacking for the last few days.  Afterwards, I went home and had barely gotten in when N___ asked if she could come over then so we had a chance to talk and catch up.  She came over, I brewed some coffee, and we just sat and talked for 2 hours.  It was so good to catch up with my bunny!  I also, hastily, put together a CD for her with some of my favorite new tracks, so I hope she liked it.
After talking for 2 hours wen went and stopped at Starbucks (I finally signed up with that Starbucks iPhone app and had a free drink) and then we headed to Suncoast for The Hobbit:  The Battle of the Five Armies.

 It was AWESOME.  I'm so grateful I have a friend I can nerd out with because I totally geeked out during this movie; some of the scenes were so bad ass.  I ended up getting home past 7:30 though and didn't make it to bed until 10ish, so I slept in this morning waaaaaaaaaaay past my usual wake up time.  I didn't wake up till EIGHT!  Today I'm doing 2 meetings with my Sponsor (one at 10:30 and the other at noon), then we're hitting the gym.  It's almost Friday too!  Thgis week went by FAST.

Shitty Meeting Luck

So S____ and I have had shitty luck the last 2 days with meetings.  Both meetings we went to Monday and yesterday were birthday meetings.  While birthday meetings can be inspiring and stir you to want to succeed like that in your own recovery, these meetings, unfortunately, became aaaaaaaaaaaaalllll about the birthday person and the focus was completely shifted from carrying the message and sharing experience, strength, and hope, to people gushing all about how amazing the birthday person was or the birthday person sharing for 20 + minutes.  It's left me feeling like I haven't even been to a meeting in 2 days.  I'm hoping today is a break in the trend and I get to a meeting that's fucking NORMAL.  Other than that, my recovery was going great.  I'm almost done with Step 2, so I'll be going over that with my Sponsor shortly.
As for today, I'm excited!  I get to see N___ today!  We're going to the movies to see The Hobbit:  The Battle of The Five Armies.  I'm so happy I have a friend I can nerd out with because I've really been wanting to see this movie!

1/20/2015

I finally slept the whole night through!  I only woke up once and that was this morning at 5 and I decided it was still too early to be up, so I went back to sleep for another hour and a half.
Yesterday was pretty good.  Started the day off with the gym and a noon meeting with my sponsor (which, btw, the meeting sucked).  I also had a lot of time to work on Step 2.  It looks like I'm going to be finishing that up soon too.  After I got home, I spent the rest of the afternoon playing Dante's Inferno and reading:

Later, mom came over around 5 and she brought Buggy with her!  My little man was so cute wandering around my apartment.  I'm grateful, however, that he didn't sniff around too much and find something of interest and pee on it.  Mom and I then went to Michael's and I got a new sketchbook and some new sketching pencils because I have enough time on my hands and I want to start sketching/drawing again.  Afterwards, Mom and I went to Chipotle and I ate myself stupid.  Who knew they had crunchy tacos now!?  

Other than all that, all is well.  

Surprise Holiday

I had a great weekend!  And I had no idea today was a holiday until last night.  Whoops.  Anyway, yesterday I started the day off with going to the gym with mom, but couldn't do spin class with her because the damn bike seat hurt my ass too much (and not in the good way).  So I just did 40 minutes of cardio by myself.  After coming home to change/shower, we had week 2 of Financial Peace University.  I'm so grateful to be taking this course.  It's changing my entire attitude toward money, spending, and saving.  I also like that it's Bible based financial planning and that it teaches us that God wants us to be good stewards of our money.  And Lord knows I need all the financial help and advice I can get because I have TERRIBLE spending habits and need to learn how to responsibly manage, spend, and save my money.  After that, mom took me to GameStop and I got 3 new games for under $13.  I got God of War 1, 2, and 3!!!  I'm so stoked to replay the trilogy...as soon as I finish Dante's Inferno First

Shit Night's Sleep & Sleep Walking/Eating

I got a shit's night sleep...again!  I kept waking up every few hours and didn't sleep the whole night through and now this morning I'm feeling like ass.  Not the good kind either.  I've been sleep walking/eating apparently too.  This morning I woke up and found a spoon covered in peanut butter in the sink and a half eaten bowl of cereal on the counter.  Whoops.
Today's going to be a busy day too so I need to snap out of it and wake the fuck up.  I've got spin class at 8:30 to 9:30, then coming home to shower real quick, then mom and I have Financial Peace University class from 10:45 to 12:15; then we're doing our weekly shopping (Costco & Walmart).
Also, I wrote a letter back to K______.  She gets out of prison in a few days and I'm excited to get my friend back!  We've both acknowledged that we were bad influences on each other in the past so this time around I'm determined to be the opposite and have our friendship take on a new form of support, good intentions, and a focus on recovery.  I'm still her road dawg...I'm just gonna be her recovery road dawg now.

Time to wake up and get busy.

American Sniper Hang Over

Holy shit I'm fucking exhausted today.  I must be turning into a crotchety old man because I got 7 hours of sleep last night and I feel like death today and like all the coffee in the world can't wake me up.  I'm usually up by 5:30 or 6 every morning after having gone to bed by like 8:30/9ish the night before but I didn't get home last night until around 11 and wasn't asleep until after midnight.  As tired as I am though it was worth it because American Sniper was AMAZING.  I was also treated to an obscene amount of sushi and food before hand too cuz my Sponsor took me and his girl to Kona Grill before we hit a meeting at 6  (my new home group too btw).  I spent the first part of my morning bitching and moaning about how tired I was feeling and oh poor me I'm not gonna make it to the gym I'm exhausted.  But I decided to reset, have another cup of coffee, eat something, smoke another cigarette, and get out of the problem and into the solution:   it's a beautiful day out.  So you're tired.  STFU and go do something with your day instead of bitching about poor you.  

I also got a letter from my friend in prison yesterday (K_____).  She's getting out on the 26th of this month!  She's been clean for a year now (mainly due to lock up, but hey, she needed it, and it takes what it takes), but she's ready to start going to meetings and not only just be clean like she has been while behind bars, but she's also ready to be in recovery.  And that's the kind of people I'm trying to surround myself with right now.  

Time to eat, smoke, and get ready for the gym.  After that, the Sponsor and I are going to a meeting then I'll have the rest of the day to bitch and moan about being tired if I want, but I plan to utilize my day and tough it out.  Happy Saturday! 

Step 1 Review

Yesterday was intense.  I reviewed my First Step with my Sponsor and this was different than any other time that I've worked Step 1 before.  The level of honest and transparency and how deep my writing went this time was noticeable and the feedback I got from my Sponsor was heard down to my very core.  I also got honest with my behavior that I've been acting out in lately that needs to stop:  stealing.  Every time I've been to Wal-Mart in the last few months I've been stealing something.  Yesterday, my Sponsor told me that it's time to start behaving in ways that reflect honesty and integrity.  That really hit home for me.  I also got honest about another face of my addiction that's been troubling:  cutting.  I haven't done it, but for a while (mainly when I was using), cutting was starting to look like an appealing solution for me and that scares me.  I cannot revert back to doing that again.  If I do, I won't be able to stop.  And that terrifies me.
The fact that cutting actually looked like an appealing solution is evidence of just how evil and powerful and insidious this disease is.
Later in the day, mom came over for dinner and she brought Buggy with her!  It was so cute to see him roaming around my apartment.  My little man made himself right at home and was wandering around my apartment like he owned the joint.
Overall, I had a great week.  And this weekend I'm going to enjoy myself too because I'm going to see American Sniper!!! Can't wait.

January 15 - Standing Up For Ourselves

We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences, while others have beneficial consequences.  We learn we have choices.
                                                                    -Beyond Codependency

It is so easy to come to the defense of others.  How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused.  It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.
"You have rights," we tell them.  "And those rights are being violated.  Stand up for yourself, without guilt."
Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf?  Why can't we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated?  Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?
There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path.  There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves -- when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.
Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries.  Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of fighting for ourselves and our own rights.
Sometimes, the lesson won't stop until we do.

Today, I will rally to my own cause.  I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate.  Help me, God, to let go of my need to be victimized.  Help me appropriately and with confidence, stand up for myself.

1/15/2015

I'm excited because today the Sponsor and I are finally going over my Step 1.  FINALLY.  That means I get to start on Step 2, and ASAP.  I've been waiting to start on it for almost 2 weeks now.

Yesterday, though, I was dragging ass, and bad.  So bad that I didn't want to go to the gym and threw a fit the whole time but my Sponsor wasn't taking No for an answer.  I believe his exact words were "When you look like Justin Beiber, you'll be thanking me."  After the gym, he took me to my first meeting at the T.I.E. Club.  I have no idea what T.I.E stands for but it was still a good meeting, even though it was a little hood.

I'm not dragging ass as bad today as I was yesterday due to an awesome night's sleep.  My psychiatrist changed some of the milligram dosages on one of my meds, increasing it, so I slept like a fucking corpse last night.  Soooo once S____ comes over, if we cna hammer out Step 1 fast enough, we;ll be able to hit the gym and then a meeting.

I'm also excited for this weekend because S____, J______ and I are going to see American Sniper.  We were supposed to see it last month but didn't know that it had only been released in only select cities.  

Other than all that, today is day 42.  It feels like it's been longer.  My 90 in 90 has been successful so far.  If anything I haven't been to as many meetings as I would've liked to go to.  

Day 41

Today is day 41.  I've been finished with Step 1 for about a week now and I'm anxious and ready to start Step 2, but I need to wait to start until I go over Step 1 with my Sponsor.  Having to wait drives me crazy but patience is an asset I need to work on and practice it (and having more of it).  I'm very much one for instant gratification and when I want something, I want it NOW.  So practicing a little patience won't kill me.
Also, I've signed up to take this class over the next 9 weeks called Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey.  It's all about how to manage your money and finances responsibly and effectively and how to create and stick to a budget.  The first class was this past Sunday so I need to read Chapters 1 and 2 in the text book and also do the homework which was to create my first "quick start budget."  My mom's taken this class 7 times now (you can re-take it as many times as you want after paying the first time) and she's had nothing but good things to say about it and has only shown positive results in her finances as a result of taking this class.
My birthday's coming up too!  Not to be too materialistic, but I've already got a wish list going of stuff I want (including hyperlinks saved to the items on Amazon.com)  Overboard?  Nah.  I can't believe I'm turning 30 (dirty 30).  I honestly thought I'd be dead by now, and I have the program to thank for living this long.

Panic! In My Head

Had a good start to my week so far.  Even with a panic attack yesterday.  I don't know what caused it but it continued to build and build and by the time I had to get ready for the gym, I was practically incapacitated with anxiety and fear.  I tried writing about it and that helped a little bit but what really helped the most was being able to go to the gym and then going to a meeting with my Sponsor.  I think it may have something to do with having WAY too much coffee yesterday morning (I had a pot and a half all to myself...whoops).
This was my first one in weeks since I was first getting clean again.  While the coffee didn't help I don't think it was the exact cause of it.  I honestly don't know what caused it.  I came home from the meeting though and took a nap and felt a million times better when I woke up.
I've been fighting off tons of emotions since Joey died so that may have something to do with it.  Maybe my emotions just caught up with me?
I'm eager to get my day started today though.  Today, I'm going to hit the gym with my sponsor then we're going to the noon meeting.  Also I think B_____ and I are going to a meeting later tonight also.  I think she was able to get the day off so I'm gonna try and see her today.  I haven't seen my wifey in forever!

The Disease Rears Its Ugly Head

Had a great weekend (up until the end).  Yesterday was super busy.  Started out with spin class with mom in the morning, then my first week of a 9 week course called "Financial Peace University" by Dave Ramsey.  It's all about how to effectively, responsibly, and "purposefully" managing your money and creating and sticking to a budget.
After that we hit Costco, then the library (where I got another shit-ton of books).
After that, mom and I had to suck it up and go to the animal hospital and pick up Joey's urn and his ashes.  It was rough and opened up the wound of his loss and sadness all over again.  It was uncomfortable to have those feelings and I was feeling sad and a profound sense of loss, but this is what I signed up for:  life on life's terms.
Afterwards though, my disease, unfortunately, reared its ugly head and I found myself shopping and buying things in a frantic attempt to stuff my feelings with material things.  Also, things took a sour turn between mom and I.  We were joking around on the way back to her house, but in an attempt to make a joke by her, I interpreted it as a threat and responded, in kind, with a threat and told her I'd go right to her house and break every window there.  I totally reacted in a behavior I'm trying to leave behind as it doesn't suit me anymore:  my rage and anger.  I ended up lashing out at her and included more threats and threats of violence and totally terrorized her.  I was, and am still, so ashamed of myself, but at the time I was in total rage mode and really scared my mom.  Thinking of the look on her face when I said what I said still is killing me.  After she dropped me off back at home I was so ashamed and uncomfortable with myself that I was desperate for relief.  I immediately texted my sponsor asking for his advice in how to go about handling and remedying the situation because another thing this program has taught me is to not trust my own thinking and to reach out for help in handling problems because "my best thinking got me into trouble."  On top of talking to my sponsor, I attended an online meeting on Intherooms.com and the topic was, amazingly enough, "Turning Turmoil Into Peace."  I couldn't believe it!  That was clear evidence of God at work in my life when I needed some help in handling the fallout from my behavior.  After the meeting and talking with my sponsor, I called my mom and apologized profusely and made a promise of an amends in my behavior and that that behavior would never happen again.  I'm so grateful for this program giving me the tools to learn how to not act a fool and to remedy it when I do!

Sunday 1/11/2015

Having a good weekend so far.  Went and saw Taken 3 yesterday with my sponsor.  To be honest, it was a movie I would've rather waited to see on DVD and was definitely not worth the money spent on buying a ticket.  I'm going to see American Sniper next weekend though and I'm super stoked about that.  I also want to see Selma and Big Eyes and Into the Woods.
Last night, I FINALLY got a good night's sleep since Joey died.  I slept the whoooole night through without even waking up once to go to the bathroom.  I'm sad all over again though because today we are going to pick up Joey's ashes from the animal hospital.
On a happier note, today is the first day of classes in a 9 week course I'm taking called Financial Peace University.  It's all about how to manage your money and how to create and stick to an effective budget.  First though, mom and I are going to the gym for spin class.  Happy Sunday!

Fear - January 10

Fear

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn?  What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice?  Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.
                                                       -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us:  fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success.  We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life...
....Relax.  Our best is good enough.  It may be better than we think.  Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to -- and are necessary for -- an upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go.  Jump in and do it -- whatever it is.  If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.

Pain Shared is Pain Lessened

Another weekend.  First without Joey.  It's gotten easier with each passing day.  I've been talking about it and sharing about it like crazy because one thing this program has taught me is that "pain shared is pain lessened."  This has proved to be absolutely true.  Earlier this week, the pain and sense of loss was debilitating and overwhelming.  Today, I'm still sad, but I'm okay.  And before today, I was okay with not being okay.  I realized that this is what I signed up for:  life on life's terms; with all its ups and downs and pains and joys in all its beauty and ugliness.  The pain was sharp and very real, but I survived it.  It was a good reminder of what the Basic Text says:  "it will pass, all feelings will eventually pass."
Today, I'm going to a meeting with my sponsor at noon, then we're going to see Taken 3.  I'd really rather see Inherent Vice, but I got overruled by my sponsor and Taken 3 it is.  I saw the first one, but never saw the 2nd, so I hope I can follow along with this one.
Yesterday, I finished my Step 1!  My sponsor and I are going over it on Tuesday.
Will let everyone know how Taken 3 is.

Friday

4 days after Joey's death and I still can't get a solid night's sleep.  I slept better last night than I have all week but I still didn't sleep the whole night through and woke up a few times because of dreams.  Not nightmares necessarily, just Joey dreams.  I also realized I shouldn't be taking naps in the middle of the day like I've been doing.  Tuesday and Wednesday I took 3-4 hour naps and had trouble sleeping each night so yesterday I forced myself to stay awake through the afternoon and slept better last night than I have all week.
As for my recovery, I'm still going strong with my 90 in 90 and I'm finishing up my Step 1 today.  Going to the gym every day and working on my steps and going to meetings every day as well has helped stave off post death depression.  Keeping busy has helped too (writing, reading, video games).
As for this weekend, I think my Sponsor and I are going to go to the movies tomorrow.  It's a toss up between Taken 3 and Inherent Vice.  I'm leaning more towards Inherent Vice.
I'm also about to finish God of War:  Ascension.  It feels good to finish a project and follow through on something to completion.  I know to some of you it may be "just a game," but to me it's a hobby, a passion, and one hell of a good story.  Plus, come on...Kratos has a bangin' body.

Vulnerability - January 8

Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again.  We may automatically go on "feelings freeze mode" when faced with emotional pain.  Or, we may terminate a relationship the first time we feel hurt.
Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery.
It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain.  Many of us have had more than our share.  In fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt.  We may not have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.
That was yesterday.  Today, we don't have to be so frightened of pain.  It does not have to overwhelm us.  We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings.  And we don't have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life.
We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that's appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves.  We don't have to analyze or justify our feelings.  We need to feel them, and try not to let them control our behavior.
Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it's showing us we're going in a wrong direction; maybe it's triggering a deep healing process.
It's okay to feel hurt; it's okay to cry; it's okay to heal; it's okay to move on to the next feeling, when it's time.  Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy.
Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it means learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.

Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain.  I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them.  I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships.  I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in life.

Emotional Respite

Joey's death is getting a little easier to cope with with each passing day.  I still got a shitty night's sleep and was dreaming of him again but I don't feel as emotionally raw and distraught as I did on Monday or Tuesday.  If anything, this has only reinforced the concept that I need to continue doing the things needed to take care of myself regardless of the situation , no matter what's going on.  Also, that regardless of how much pain I'm in, that I don't have to use over my feelings and that they are only temporary and they will pass.  While it was only a dog and not a human family member (because Joey was still a family member, just not a human one), I still feel a profound sense of loss and am grieving but I'm all the more aware of appreciative of the loved ones I have left and for all the positive things I have in my life and even more grateful for my recovery because without it I wouldn't know what to do with myself or my emotions or how to cope with them.
Joey's surviving brother, Buggy, is doing okay.  My mom's leaving him with a doggy day-care sitter for this week each day to transition him into spending the days without Joey while my mom is at work.  To be honest, I think mom and I are more upset over Joey's death than Buggy is and that we're projecting our emotions onto him.  Buggy's fine, we're the ones who are a mess.

Dealing With Painful Feelings - January 7

Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face.  We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear.  And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders.  We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening.  We do not have to work so hard to avoid it.  While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on.  That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them.  Emotional pain does not have to devastate us.  We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings.  We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others.  That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt.  Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain.  Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for our feelings.

Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones.  Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.

When You Just Don't Give A Fuck...

I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't go back to sleep.  I slept horribly.  I woke up at least 5 times.  Each time with dreams of Joey.  Joey's death has devastated me and I've started chain smoking too.  I know this is the time I need to practice self-care and my program but I don't want to do any of it.  I don't want to share, I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to go to meetings, I don't want to write, I don't want to work on my Step 1.  I just want to hide in my apartment and sleep and hide.  And with last night's sleep (or lack of) is any indication, I can't even do that.  I told my sponsor all this and he said that it's my disease talking and that it wants me isolated and alone and to not reach out.  So even though all I want to do is sleep and hide and avoid everybody and everything, I', going to continue talking about it, continue reaching out, continue writing about it, continue going to meetings (even though I REALLY don't want to) and continue doing all the things I need to do to take care of myself.

I miss you Joey.  =(

Death Claims Joey

Joey died yesterday.  So far, this is the most painful thing I've ever had to with while in recovery.  My mom got home from work yesterday and Joey was breathing funny (really short, ragged breaths), so she took him immediately to the vet where they discovered that hey had fluid in his long, along with a pre-existing heart murmur.  The doctor there said that they would need to transport him via doggie ambulance to a 24 hour emergency care hospital and that he had a 50/50 chance; that he could either bounce back and have to be on medication but be okay, or that he could go into cardiac arrest and die.  Unfortunately, Joey died in transport to the animal hospital.
When we got there, they pulled my mom and I into one of the rooms and informed us of the turn of events and both of our jaws hit the floor in disbelief.
After they gave us a couple minutes to deal with what they just told us, they gave us the option of seeing him...his body ....to say goodbye.  When it was my turn, they wheeled his body in on a cart/movable table and he was wrapped up in a blanket, but when I bent down to hug him and kiss him all over...I'll never forget how cold his body already was...or that his eyes were still open.  My mom tried to close them but they wouldn't stay closed.  Leaning over him showering him with kisses I began to cry and couldn't stop and soon I was sobbing over the corpse of my dead dog, best friend, and little brother.
I was not ready or prepared for this, but when death strikes, who really is?  What's given me an incredible sense of freedom though is remembering some of the truths and promises that NA has taught me:  That feelings are just feelings and that they will pass; that all feelings are temporary; that I don't have to use over them or ever again, no matter what.
Today, during this time of despair and grief, I get to be present for life in all it's colors and forms and I get to show up for those that need me as they grieve as well.

Goodbye Joey <3

Sleep & Bad Food FAIL

Ugh, this whole waking up super early thing is not the business.  I didn't sleep well at all on top of that.  Something I ate last night must've been past it's expiration date because I woke up at 2 AM sick to my stomach.  I managed to go back to sleep until 5ish but then I woke up and said "fuck it, might as well start my day."  If I need to, I'll take a nap later, but I didn't want to take anything to just go back to sleep for a few hours.
Otherwise, I'm pretty proud of myself regarding my "90 in 90" (90 meetings in 90 days).  I've been to a meeting every day and on days I haven't been able to make it to a live meeting, I use IntheRooms.com to attend an online webcam meeting.  I've never committed to 90 in 90 so adamantly before.  It's absolutely making a difference in how I feel on a day to day basis and has helped me forge and nurture connections with people in ways I've never had before.
Also, I started writing on my 1st Step again.  Writing that shit out is painful but therapeutic and I can't put my pencil down now that I've started.
Additionally, I'm sore as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I've been to the gym the last 3 days in a row and am going again this morning with my sponsor.  I'm so fucking out of shape and being as out of breath that I get and how hard cardio is kind of discourages me.  But the payoff of going and how I feel afterwards is better than the dysfunctional payoff of planting my ass on the couch and not going and calling myself a big fat fuck.

Fight Night

Again, I'm up entirely too early.  I should've just stayed up last night and watched Dead Man Wonderland on Toonami.
Yesterday was great.  I took my 30 day key tag at the Steps to Freedom meeting!  It also amazed me how many people showed their support by liking the photo I posted of my key tag.  Very grateful for all the friends I have, even the ones that I may not talk to on a regular or consistent basis, I'm still thankful for them and for all the support I received yesterday.
I also went to the gym with my sponsor and his girlfriend after the meeting.  We went to a 1:30 spin class (that's 2 days in a row for me...my ass hurts!)  After the gym I came home and while I had the clippers running when I shaved my head I decided to do a full body manscaping.  Laugh all you want, but I'm glad I did it because I hadn't done any in a LONG time and shit was getting unruly and out of control.
After that I went with S____ and J______ to a UFC Fight Night house party at the house of somebody from the program.  Overall, I'm glad I went only because I learned that I don't enjoy things like that and that next time I'm going to opt to stay home.  It's not that I didn't enjoy socializing and what not, it's just that A:  I knew maybe 2 or 3 people out of all the people there (not counting sponsor and his girl), so J______ and I just ended up in the corner sitting on the side lines playing on our phones for most of the night and B:  I'm not into sporting events like that, therefore didn't really care what game was on, what Ben Roethlisberger was doing, or who knocked out who.  While I think UFC is fucking hot, because I mean let's be real here -- it's half naked sweaty men on top of each other, I'm just not that into the sport that I would make a huge event out of it.  So overall, I'm glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and tried something new last night, but now I know for future reference that I'd rather stay home.

New Year's Eve Review and Kick Off

Happy New Year!  I spent NYE at mom's house and the night after that too.  On New Year's Eve, mom and I watched the countdown in New York City (9 pm our time) and that was good enough for us because we were both in bed and asleep by 10 pm.  We just couldn't stay awake any longer.  The next day we went to a meeting at noon (Not High At Noon) and the meeting was, surprisingly, packed.  It was so good to wake up New Year's Day and not be hung over, still eTarded, or just still awake from the night before.  While I think Not High at Noon has suffered because of their new, tragically small meeting place, the meeting was actually really good.  After the meeting, mom and I went to the movies and saw "Wild" with Reese Witherspoon and it was AMAZING.  It was directed by the same guy that did Dallas Buyer's Club and anybody that saw that knows how good and moving that one was.
Yesterday, after night 2 at mom's house, I went to the gym with her and I did my first spin class.  And I fucking loved it.  Not only was it a great workout and awesome way to do an hour of cardio without even noticing the time, but the instructing was REALLY fucking cute and had on tight bicycle shorts so that was the highlight of my morning.  He also played some really good EDM and I was pretty impressed by his track selection.  After the gym, mom and I went to a 10:30 am meeting which was okay, then went to Costco, then went back to her place where I took a nap for a few hours.  Then, we went to Wal-mart and then hit up another meeting at 6 pm in Summerlin, which ended up being a really good meeting.  By the time I got home I was so tired I only managed to stay up for one episode of Family guy and then was asleep by 9:30.
As for today:  today marks 30 days that I've been clean and off crystal.  I'm going to a noon meeting where I'll be taking my 30 day key tag.  I can't believe it's only been 30 days...it feels like it's been longer.

Oh well.  Go me!