End of the Month

This month has been a fucking roller coaster.  But as today is the last day of the month of the new year, I'm looking back in a little retrospective review of the past 31 days and am, surprisingly, not too disappointed with the choices I've made this month and the over all state / climate of my life right now as a result of how I've behaved and the choices I've made this month.
To update on a few key points of interest, all went well with the transfer from the one housing assistance program to the new one and my assistance I'll be receiving has been extended for another year.  Not only that, but the price I'll be in charge of picking up after the rental assistance program picks up the tab is DRASTICALLY cheaper than what I was paying before.  So the potential I now have to both save more money into savings funds and to have at my disposal for recreational activities (mainly shopping, I haven't had a good Target shopping trip in forever) is now exponentially larger.
Secondly, the number of members in my household has increased from the lone tenant (me) to me, my best friend/road dawg K_____ and my new "boo thang" D_____.  It was originally just going to be me and K_____.  But this week I met D_____ and we instantly clicked and not only that, but he was in need of a place to stay that wasn't as toxic and unhealthy and uncomfortable as the place he was, at the time, living in.  So yeah I know things moved along pretty quickly with that whole situation.  But I'm overlooking that because for the first time in a very long time, I feel actually pretty damn happy with the current state of things.  My apartment doesn't feel like some lonely isolation cell anymore.  It now feels like a home and I am so excited to have my present company as my company because the energy and happiness and good vibes that each of them generates and brings to my life makes me so thankful and happy and grateful for each of them having shown up in my life and being a par of it.
Finally, after a month of trying my absolute hardest to stick to my budget and to not behave irresponsibly financially and to make mature decisions in how I chose to spend/save my money, I am happy to report that for the first time in over a year, at the end of this month I officially have a surplus and have money left over instead of being in the deficit and being in the red. I actually have money left over here at the end of the month and am carrying that over into my finances for next month.  The surplus isn't much, but it's enough to make me happy and proud of myself that I did something right for a chance.

and one became three

So in the course of one week, the number of members in my household has increased from one (me) to now three (K______, and D_____, the last of which is now my boyfriend).  While considering my past feelings of loneliness and isolation I've expressed at having to live every waking moment by myself and being plagued by constant feelings of isolation destitution, you'd think that I would be practically exploding at the seams with excitement at having roommates.  And at first I was.
Until today, when it settled in that I am now sharing my personal space with 2 other people.  And that's when the reality of it hit me.
I',m not irritated or annoyed at all.  It just isn't what I was expecting and I am being reminded of what it's like to not live by yourself and what it means to share again and what it means to be considerate again.  The days of my 3 AM naked trips to the kitchen for peanut butter and milk are over.  Now I have to put underwear or shorts one because I doubt unsuspecting victims want to see me naked (well one of them might lol)
I guess what I need to remember are boundaries.  What's mine, what's theirs, what to share, what isn't appropriate to share, but to always be conscientious because I don't want to be a shitty roommate and be the driving force that pushes anybody away.

The return of......

UNMANAGEABILITY!!!!!!

yes, that's right folks.  Once again, because I tried to run the show again with what I thought was more important than this, that, or the other, I've been slipping in certain areas of my life that, normally, I'd be on top of no problem.  But lately, take yesterday for example, I've become sloppy and am making mistakes that only basic bitches make that reflects a lack of maturity, responsibility, and accountability.  Yesterday I had an appointment at 4:15pm with my psychiatrist for my monthly follow up, just to check on me, see how I'm doing, and write new refills on my prescriptions that I need that keep me from going absolutely fucking bat shit crazy.  I got home from the meeting I went to yesterday morning at around noon and decided "hey, I have a few hours before I have to leave for this appointment, let's lay down and take a nap."  So I laid down...and took my nap.

For 5 fucking hours..  I didn't wake up until 5 oclock and immediately realized I fucked up.
I've been beating myself up all night last night and again this morning for making such a stupid mistake and for letting other things step into the foreground of order of importance, shifting recovery and meeting attendance and all that's associated with that to the background, which, ultimately I know is the culprit in this current sequence of events.  So it's no mystery to me why I'm missing appointments or not meeting the call of responsibilities:  my priorities have been jumbled up and it's now my job to reshuffle them and get back on track.  I have nobody to blame but myself and nobody can fix this for me but myself.
Luckily, I called my psychiatrist's office this morning and explained the situation to them and they had a cancellation today at 2:45pm so I took that option and am going to be able to make up my appointment today.
As for the job situation update, only bad news to report.  I was supposed to have my second and final interview with InvestPro Realty yesterday with the owner who I would've been directly reporting to had I been offered a position.  However, knowing what some of the tasks and duties of someone in that position entailed, I emailed the individual I previously interviewed with that was in charge of hiring new candidates and informed her that while I was able to get to and from work on time without any problems, I did, unfortunately, not own a car and that I relied on the bus for my transportation.  I got an email back promptly a short few minutes later informing me that, unfortunately for me, the position would require an individual with reliable transportation to be able to complete some of the tasks and duties assigned to them by Kenny (the owner).  She then thanked me for informing her of this ahead of time and saving all of us the time out of our day to meet for another interview only to find out I wasn't qualified to meet the job duties, and that was that.
Needless to say, I wasn't, and am still not, very happy.  I fucking need a job to make money and save that money to buy a car.  But with every place that's taken interest in me I need a car to get to that job.  So it's all fucking cyclical and stupid and ass backwards and I hate it and I'm frustrated and I just want to punch somebody in the fucking throat.
I think maybe I'm going to shift the focus and attention that I've been spending on getting my resume out there and applying for jobs for the job that isn't coming to both A - recovery and B - starting the business with K_____.  At least with effort and time and energy into those 2 avenues, I'll get results and a pay off of some sort.

#frustrated #annoyed #fuckingsickofthisshit #goddammitiwishicouldgethigh #godswillnotmine

Doctor Appointment and CVS

So today I had my routine check up appointment with my doctor at the Wellness Center to review the results of my blood draw from about a month or so ago.  And I must've been fighting something off or in the midst of a cold or something that I wasn't necessarily showing symptoms before, but had an effect on my immune system nonetheless because the day of my blood draw I called it.  I said to my mom "watch, my cd4 count is going to be lower than last time."  And sure enough, my cd4 count dropped from the 800 range to 796 this time around.  My viral load is still undetectable though (less than 20) so thankfully that hasn't changed.  Something else embarrassing did pop up though.  They did a full STD screening last time at my blood draw and I won't go into specifics, but apparently being a naughty boy caught up with me because I came back testing positive for something (I won't say for what).  I ended up getting a huge shot of antibiotics in my ass and it hurt like hell and I left the Wellness Center limping out of there making it clearly obvious to anyone who has had that done before know that "hey, he just got a shot in his ass! lol."
Other than that, the next exciting part of my day was having to go to CVS to pick up some prescriptions I needed.  I recently just had to transfer my entire prescription medication profile over to CVS from Walgreen's because (and I'm not proud of this) I got caught stealing at Walgreen's they put a note in my file that I'm now unable to pick up any medications from any Walgreen's anywhere.  So acting a fool and thinking I'm immune from consequences and still acting out in my addiction proves it does not do anything but bring consequences and unmanageability to my life.  But I digress:  I went to CVS, tried to pick up 2 meds I needed, only to be told there was a total cost due of $4.80.  That's all fine and good because that's super cheap, however, I didn't even have that on me because my mom is the one who holds access to all my finances and funds per her title of "guardian" and me as the ward on the bank account we have set up.  So I left CVS empty handed and she has to bring me money in the morning so I can go back there tomorrow and pick up my medications.  Long story short:  today was annoying.  And on top of that, I didn't make it to a meeting today, so I'm feeling a little extra crazier than usual.  I'm planning on going to a meeting tomorrow morning at 10:30 though before my interview with the owner of InvestPro Realty so hopefully that'll be a panacea to my case of crazies.

#AlarmClcokFAIL

So I feel totally out of whack now that my Sunday has gotten off on a misstep and an out of the ordinary start.  My usual routine for Sunday is waking up around 8:00 - 8:15, doing my morning meditations, journal/blogging, having my coffee and breakfast, then getting dressed and heading out the door by 9:00 - 9:15 for my homegroup "Sunday Morning Meeting" at the 3M Club at 9:30.  Well, unfortunately for me, I guess in a sleep stupor I decide to shut my alarm off this morning and not even fully wake up to do it because I didn't wake up on time...at all.  I slept in until around 9:45 and my phone showed that the alarm clock had gone off, I just had deactivated it, which I blame on the Ambien because one of the side effects is doing stuff in your sleep that you don't remember (for me it's been eating lol).  So, because my lazy ass decided to shut my alarm off, I ended up missing my home group today and I feel totally off balance and kinda full of anxiety for some reason for having missed my routine weekly meeting that I am usually at without fail.  When you choose a meeting as your homegroup you are making the commitment to be there regularly and every week to let other members get to know you and so that there is a familiar face there every week should a newcomer start coming to that meeting.  And I fucking missed it this week and I hate missing commitments; it makes me feel like shit.
Luckily, my close friend A_____ is speaking at a meeting at 6:00 pm tonight at another meeting also at the 3M Club so I have the opportunity to hit a meeting today period, whereas if I had missed the 9:30 meeting, there usually isn't another meeting I like to go to on Sundays and I'd be shit outa luck and meetingless for today.
In other news, I need to have a fire lit under my ass as far as starting up the new business with K______.  She put me in charge of admin/admin duties on the company Facebook site and also set me up with a Google+ email and I have yet to log in and log some time into customizing either.  Granted, we don't have any clients yet to see the lack of effort I've been displaying, but in this case I'm thinking in the "if you advertise it/market it, they will come: philosophy.  Our first few clients are probably going to be through sheer word of mouth and individual independent contractors and people with super small businesses who are just looking to join the social media networking band wagon.  But that's fine.  A few clients to start off with and earn some income is better than no clients and having no traffic and earning no income.  So I need to get on board with this thing and quick, because I feel like K______ is already light years ahead of me in terms of knowing what it's gonna take to get things started and as far as business concepts and practices go....at some times I still stop and think that maybe I'm not the right person to be helping her or for this job.  And that's when I try to remind myself that that's my disease talking to me in my own voice trying to talk me out of success and keep me in negativity, mediocrity, and in my comfort zone and not branching out to try anything different or unfamiliar.  Which is usually followed by me telling myself to shut the fuck up and to just shut up and do it.  Which leads to even more confusion because then I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong in hesitating as far as my capability to handle what is'going to require of me to get this thing started.

*sigh*/

It's rough being me lol

Acting Like a Goddamn Grown Up For Once

So earlier this week I mentioned in a previous blog post that there had been a serious lack of adulting going on and that I wasn't rising up to the standards I set for myself in taking care of certain responsibilities or tasks.  Well today is day 2 of living in the solution and behaving differently to correct that behavior.  2 nights in a row of going to bed at a reasonable hour, waking up at a reasonable hour, and thereby being able to meet commitments and continue to cross stuff off on my task list for the day without fail.  For a few days there I would end up with a to do list with half of it left undone because I spent the whole day fucking off.  But yesterday was super productive (mainly at the end of the day, I got a bunch of shit done right before I went to bed last night) and so far today is off to a great start as I woke up when I planned to, have already done my self-care routines for the morning, and am about to get dressed and head out for a 10 AM meeting at the 3M Club before going grocery/supply shopping at Walmart with mom.  The difference that "adulting" behavior has on my self-esteem is profound and always reminds me of something I heard a counselor, Derek, say back when I was in IOP at Las Vegas Recovery Center:  "esteemable acts leads to esteemable thinking."  So basically, if I just continue doing what I'm doing and acting like a damn grown up and meeting my responsibilities and holding myself accountable for getting shit done and taking care of myself, I'm going to, as a result, feel better about myself, which is a definite plus considering the fact that my normal frame of mind is self-defeating, self-loathing, hyper-critical, super self-conscious, and negative and cynical.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good weekend.  Off to my meeting I go.

Where the fuck did this week go?

Seriously.  I feel like it was Monday, then I blinked, and now it's Friday.  And I didn't even really have that much going on this week.  Aside from doing research stuff for K_____'s and my business venture we're embarking on.  Which, btw, we sent an inquiry email to BusinessPlan.com for a consult/evaluation and we had a conference call with them earlier this week.  They sound like an excellent service that offers a pretty comprehensive package that covers all aspects of a successful business plan to successfully get a small business off the ground and running successfully.  Only problem is it costs $1200.  So K_____ and I need to figure out where we're gonna come up with that kind of cheddar because we certainly don't have it sitting in our lower intestines.
Even though it's the end of the week, today I'm finally tending to pretty much all my responsibilities and things I've been putting off this week and am about to leave to go take care of a bunch of shit that I should've been doing all week (going to meetings, going to AFAN to renew my bus pass supply, going to another meeting).  This week there was a serious lack of adulting and I can feel it, both in the consequences I'm feeling my life and in the way I feel about myself and my self-esteem, which isn't pretty high right now because I feel like a total loser and fuck up for not taking care of my shit like an adult.  That's not me.  I'm normally on top of stuff.  I guess I'm just kinda distracted with K_____ moving in and the prospect of me having company now and I no longer will be sitting in my apartment for hours, days on end by myself with nobody to talk to.
Oh and some other good news.  I went on an interview earlier this week for the position of Assistant Property Manager at InvestPro Realty and I felt great about how the interview went.  And sure enough, yesterday the woman I interviewed with emailed me and asked if I could come in for a 2nd and final interview with the owner at the end of which an offer will be made for a job depending on if he likes me and feels like I'd be a good fit for what he's looking for.  So I may be changing my "unemployed" status on all my social media sites here to "employed" very shortly.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  Only thing is I didn't disclose to them that I don't own a car and that I rely on the bus....And I have a bad feeling that once I do that, that might be a deal breaker for them because she mentioned sometimes they might need me to go out to properties to take pictures to enter into the MLS.  So I have to break the news to them at my 2nd interview and I'm scared that that'll rob me of this opportunity of getting back into the work force.  But honesty is the best policy so we'll see what happens.;

Time to jet.  Happy Friday everyone.

Lack of Adulting

So today I'm finally tending to some areas of my responsibilities and life that have gone completely ignored for the past week.  I dunno what came over me, but for the past week I've been completely fucking off my entire day(s) and K_____ and I have just been hanging out and being lazy.  While it's nice to have company and have her slowly easing into and transitioning moving in here, I couldn't help but notice that we enable each other to not be productive because we have so much fun hanging out and talking because we're on the same page when it comes to a lot of view points and opinions and outlooks as far as the world around us goes.  The end result, however, is I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my brain as each day goes on and it's getting more intense and louder with each passing day that I don't tend to certain things that I know need attention or the more I skip over some part of my daily routine that I, normally, wouldn't skip, but have skipped for a few consecutive days in a row.
Like my step work.  I didn't write on it yesterday or the day before and I can definitely feel the difference and I also feel guilty and disappointed in myself for not being disciplined enough to keep up that commitment to recovery where I'm writing on whatever step I'm on every day so that I'm continually doing something towards recovery and not stagnating.
My meeting attendance has slipped a little bit too, whereas I was going to 2 a day there for a bit, I'm now down to 1 a day or at least every other day, but I don't like that either because I feel like I'm compromising on my commitment to a 90 in 90.  And then that feeds into my fear of disappointing my sponsor and my mom and not getting their approval, which as all of you know that I suffer from severe codependency issues, is just about as one of the worst fates I could ask for.  The second I know I've stopped gaining the approval of somebody that matters to me, I freak out and look for ways to overcompensate or other ways to change how I'm feeling so that I don't have to sit with the disappointment in MYSELF that I've disappointed someone else.  It's all a really sick cycle that gets me trapped in my own head and thoughts, which as those of you who know me well, know that these thoughts that I can get trapped in are purely self-hating, self-defeating, and self-absorbed, and then I just get stuck in a dark place and it's a downhill ride from there.

So basically, today I'm making a catch up day and making sure that I provide the appropriate attention to time to each of my responsibilities that I've neglected over the past few days, whether that's sitting at my desk and writing on my step for an hour or just for 15 minutes, as long as I dedicate some time to it is what I'm after, and also making sure that everything that I write down on my list of tasks and items to do today on my to do list get taken care of, no excuses.  I need to hold myself and my actions accountable to myself because it's not anybody else's job to keep me in check and to behave like a responsible adult. That's my job to self-manage.  So I better step up to the plate and do a good fucking job, because nobody is going to save my ass if I let things fall apart like I did a few weeks ago when I ran my bank account into the ground.  Time to do some adulting.

Apprehension

So yesterday K_____ ended up having a really long, deep, heavy stuff talk about a variety of issues and much was revealed to me about where she's at right now iI'n her life as far as the head space she's in, what she's currently struggling with, and what her focus and sights seem to be set on as she finishes with this one particular phase in her life (the consequences of her recent prison sentence) and the transition into full freedom.  While she and I are on the same page on a lot of issues and hold many of the same beliefs and outlooks in regards to codes of moral conduct, addiction, acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and things we want to accomplish and goals we want to set for ourselves, what became very evident yesterday was that the means to which we are willing to go about achieving certain things or the manner in which we behave and our moral standards vary immensely.  So much so that it has me re-thinking if this is the right move to make by having her move in with me.  I may be overthinking it but her viewpoints and things she made known about herself that were part of her character yesterday caused me to switch into high alert mode for if this is a healthy decision that I'm making or not as it pertains to what MY goals are right now in life and in the things that I'm focused on and committed to in how I conduct myself.  I think I need to have some critical thinking time to reassess if this is a smart move or not, if the money we'd be able to save by moving in together is worth the risk of being exposed to behavior or activities and things that might prove detrimental to my recovery or my progress in life.  This is by no means an attempt at character assassination of my friend or an attempt to shine a negative light on her as she's still a great friend and I know has my back and I can definitely count on her when in a bind.  However, this is not to say that there are some things we may just hold completely different beliefs and standards about that simply might not mesh with each other in a cohabitation setting where I'm in a position where I have to rely on her to continually make the right decision and behave responsibly such as she would have to from me.  And while I know I can commit to doing the next right thing and sticking to being responsible and accountable for my behavior and making mature decisions, I can't assume that somebody else will be in the exact same head space as me and that they're able, ready, or willing to just hop up to where I'm at as well because I demand them to.  She's at where she's at and I have to practice acceptance and tolerance of that and withhold any judgment because her life has its own course.  The question is:  do I want to integrate our lives together so that I may be potentially at risk of consequences of her behavior and open myself up to risk by trusting someone to always strive to do the next right thing like I do?

I don't know what to do.  I guess the best answer for right now is to do nothing and just wait and see how this pans out.  Sometimes inaction is the best action.

Renewed Commitment

So I didn't get much sleep last night related to the current drama I have going on with my ratchet ass neighbors, but despite being exhausted, I still woke up on time (sort of) and made it to my homegroup meeting at 9:30.  So far for 3 days into the new year I'm doing pretty good at making sure I get to at least one meeting every day, two if I can.  I have to keep going every day and keep going and keep going because when I don't, I eventually start listening to the crazy bullshit my head tells me and my thinking starts to become distorted and self-destructive.  By showing up for just one hour a day, I get some relief and hope of not having to be a complete fuck up basketcase my whole life and also get the chance to get and stay connected with others in recovery that I can talk to who just get what this struggle can be like, the ups, downs, lows, highs (no pun intended), and other more intricate concepts like the gift of desperation, moments of clarity, self-care, the definition of insanity, and taking things one thing, minute, second, hour, day at a time.
So for today, I got my medicine and will hopefully be a little less crazy for the remainder of the day.  One can only hope though lol. =]

2016 Goals

So I read recently that a good practice to help yourself grow in a coming year is to write down your goals that you set for yourself for that year, with the hopes that by writing them down, you're affirming them in your mind and thereby directing your thoughts and efforts into achieving those goals, both consciously and subconsciously.  So, being yet anot:her person in search of continued self-improvement and inner growth, I went and did it.  Here's my top 10 goals for 2016, in no particular order or rank:

1.  Obtain over 90 days in recovery, then follow that up with obtaining over 6 months.
2.  Get past Step 6
3.  Find and keep a good job.
4.  Pay off my debt with ChexSystems and obtain my own bank account and establish financial independence.
5.  Rebuild savings funds, minimum of $500.00
6.  Start and build a successful business with K_____
7.  Establish more connections and friendships with men in the Program to counter balance my predominantly female amount of friendships.
8.  Lose weight, no specific amount, but just to be in the constant act of losing it.
9.  Save up $$$ and buy a car.
10.Continue to build my sense of being "good enough" and learn to have acceptance of myself, tolerance of others, and peace in coping with life on life's terms.

Now, the real question is, let's see if I can even remotely get close to accomplishing any of these.

Saturday? This Early?

I can't believe I woke up this early on a Saturday of my own accord.  All it took was not staying up late to watch Family Guy (which, seriously, is pointless because at this point I think I've seen just about every episode ever) and going to sleep at a reasonable hour, resulting in me waking up at a "normal" hour.  Which, to my benefit, has ensured that I'm now awake to be able to go to the 10:30 men's stag meeting at the 3M Club this morning which, I discovered, I really like a lot.  Something about not having any bitches in the room (and I say that in the most loving sense to all of my female friends out there) that frees you up to share stuff that only another guy could understand and relate to.  So that's my primary target meeting for the day.  I may, however, go to the 6 PM meeting as well later tonight at Mountain View Hospital just to keep my recovery fuel banks not just charged up, but in an excess state of being charged up.  I find that when I make more than one meeting a day, my entire outlook and coping mechanisms with what life throws at me every day is stronger and more resilient and has me walking around with an extra (this is going to sound outrageously gay) pep in my step.  So I think I may just make today a 2 meetings kinda day.  I also have a shit ton of stuff to work on at home, including step work, catching up on reading my overflowing stack of library books that I have to renew my check out dates for yet again (my bad), and also putting in some time on research and learning on the big top secret project K_____ and I are undertaking for our big plans we have in store for this year.  Some of the tasks associated with that one don't sound the most exciting, but need to be done if I want to be knowledgeable in what we're undertaking and so that I'm properly informed, prepared, and ready to handle cultivating our project so that it's set up for nothing but success.  Granted, I;m not expecting it to be a totally smooth ride with no bumps in the road and for everything to go according to some plan that has everything go perfectly as planned, that would be unrealistic to expect as nothing ever goes down that way.  But I want to become an expert in this undertaking as fast as possible so that I'm equipped and prepared to help K_____ get this off the ground and make it something we can both be proud of.
And of course, in between all this, I need to make sure I clock in some time writing on my first step because I won't lie, I've kinda been neglecting that lately for no other reason than answering the questions is making me uncomfortable due to having to recount and look at my actions I'm guilty of committing while in the throes of full blown, monster status active addiction.  But it has to be done to move on and move through it.  Anyway, time to move on to my next item on my to-do list for the day.

Stay tuned faithful fol.lowers.  More to come.

Drastic

Yes, drastic.  That's the only word that comes to mind if you were to ask me to describe my life's current circumstances as they stand today compared to how things were potentially looking 2 or 3 weeks ago.  2 or 3 weeks ago, I had been so continually beat down from unfortunate events and bad luck and just shitty occurrences that I was at the point where I was actually practicing a behavior I learned in recovery:  setting a boundary.  But I was setting it with God and the Universe.  At a meeting one day, I quite loudly and vehemently stated that if my luck didn't start to change soon, that if some good stuff didn't start coming my way to even out the outpouring of bad stuff that had been washing over me, that I was going to basically flip God, everyone I know, and my life the middle finger and throw in the towel and take my own life.  I've heard it said by countless addicts in meetings that at one point they got so miserable with their lives that they wanted to end  it but they were too coward or chicken shit to actually go through it.  Well guess what motherfuckers.  I'm that one addict that ISN'T scared to go that far.  I've tried three times in the past and the only reason I'm alive today after those attempts were because there were people close at hand that were able to call for help in saving my miserable life.  But I digress; the point is, I set a boundary.....with God.  I basically said "change or improve this shit sandwich you've been giving me, or I quit."
And wouldn't you know it, since that day, things have been shifting and reshaping and morphing in form and circumstances that today, 3 weeks later, I'm no longer suicidal.  In fact, I'm far from it.  I have so much on my plate right now that it's overflowing and I'm almost too overwhelmed to handle it all because there's so much up in the air right now and I have no idea which direction I should take as it pertains to certain things and I'm scared I might make the wrong move or accidentally misstep and end up fumbling up an opportunity (or opportunities) that could very well prove to be total game changers for me and my life.  I know all of this as you are reading it is very vague and I'm leaving the main core details out because I don't want to jinx anything that could potentially be on the table right now, so you'll just have to trust me when I say that all the things that are up in the air right now, they're all really amazing things that could very well change my life and launch me into a new state of living or a new stage of my life or a new stage of a new found career in a new found business that I would be helping build from the ground up.  So yeah I'm a little anxious and at times overwhelmed inside my own thoughts, but mostly I'm hopeful and optimistic and excited for what may come to fruition from these potential futures.

What I CAN divulge details about though is my living situation and the whole hunt for a roommate drama that had been going on.  After one total dud from some 24 yr old faggot who thought he was an expert in life already and that he just was smarter and wiser than me and nobody else has suffered as much as he has (for those of you that know me I know you are all laughing at the fact that you know I couldn't even take this kid seriously for a second), it seemed as though my perfect roommate that would appear and save the day was not going to, actually, appear at all and no day would be saved and I would be forced to move.

And then along comes a little thing called The Universe, or sometimes The Plan, or sometimes just God.  You know, that thing.  Because in my lap he drops someone that was in my life the entire time, we just didn';t know the other's circumstances were what they were until we started doing the math and realized...we were a perfect match.  My good ol' road dawg and partner in crime K_____.  I don't think a more perfect match could've been made.  After having tried living with other gay men, I realized that I just couldn't do it.  I'm bitch enough for one household, we don't need 2 conflicting forces of cuntiness struggling for dominance in the same house, so I think my girl and I are going to complement each other nicely in this new living arrangement.  2016 is going to be quite the interesting and action-packed year I can tell you that much.

Stay tuned.