Parting

it's time to face reality, as much as i don't want to acknowledge this fact, it's true. 
you left me a long time ago as it is clearly evident in your blind hastiness to stand by and defend everyone anyone and everything no matter what or who, but all you can do for me is point out all my flaws.

as much as i've been trying to tell myself that this was just a bumpy patch, i know that for certain you and i have been dead for a long time.  after building yourself up to be such an integral key component in my life, the ease with which you're able to walk away and "take care of yourself" is setting an example which i clearly need to follow.

i'm as sick as you've made me, and, hopefully, the only thing i wish for you now is for you to be as sick as i have made you for as long as possible. 

Retraction

The previous postings about my departure are all retracted.  Apparently my parents BOTH have a propensity for lies on such a grand scale that it resulted in me telling my father that he can fuck off and die alone -- in so many words....and my mother?  i don't think i've ever been more disgusted with a human being than i was with her....for the past week and a half, i have wanted  nothing from her but for her to suffer, and for those of you who know me, you can only imagine what the last week and a half has been like for her. 

but....as hard as this is to say, i can't stay angry forever...okay well maybe close to forever, but not at her.  and we're moving through it.  I, on the other-hand -- thanks to probably one of the best performances and execution of a massive lie that involved a plethora of other people as well -- have recently become the latest of victims in scenes that have a striking resemblance to that show on A&E...you know...the one where all the people write you letters begging you to say "yes, i'll go."   because now after being accomplices (some more so than others) to the world trying to break me and my converse reaction of basically giving it the finger, now everyone wants to come back and do damage control.  but i digress.

the point is, if i've been hard/impossible to reach the last week and a half or you've been trying to text/call me only to find out that the number isnt in service...don't worry:  i'm not dead (on the outside at least), i've just been forced to go on a mandatory...um...sabbatical, that just so happens to last for 30 days and has things like group therapy and LOTS and lots of meetings.  unfortunately for my mother's perfect plan that she perfectly concocted because of how perfect she is, Solutions isn't the sterling and pristine place of recovery they told her in their sales pitch.  It is, in fact, quite the shit show, which is why i'm home for this brief mini-respite...

Either way, bottom line:  i retract that previous post.  i am more miserable than ever, and i feel like all i have left to hold on to is my hate and loathing.  at least i have some company

The Only Constant in Life is Change....sort of

A very wise group of drug addicts once told me that "the only constant thing in life is change."  The statement is simple, but it took me a second to really grasp the gravity of the concept.  Granted, I may have had an increased amount of difficulty grasping said concept, considering the fact that at the time I had become a human test subject for which anti-depressant different mental health professionals thought would work best and was such a cluster-fuck of imbalanced chemicals, moods, failed suicide attempt reflections, and self-disappointment.....but that might be a little off-track.  Anyway, they told me that the only constant in life is change.  And that with that change, if we are open and receptive to the situation and to new ideas, that we can only grow from each change.

The last 72 hours have been the most uncertain, rocky, emotional and life-changing then, conversely, life-changing-back-to, that I can remember having in the past year.

So, without wanting to go into too much detail, as to anyone else my life may seem like one big melo-dramatic laughable joke, I will say this:  yes, the only constant in life is, indeed, change....even when the change is changed.  And as much as I wanted to push forward and journey on to some next mysterious phase, it seems like there are some matters that I have to tend to here first before I can really take my leave and say goodbye to this Sin filled little cluster of track homes, gated communities, and mega-resorts/hotels we call home.

At the end of this whole "change-esqe" episode, however, I am happy and relieved to report that yes, indeed, growth certainly did occur.  And I definitely think it was so crucial and overdue to occur and significant that only more "happy to report" items will pop up in the coming months. 

The Things You Leave Behind

as you move through your life, you pass through different phases, or chapters i guess.  some of those transitions you can see coming and plan for accordingly, and some you actually plan to have occur.  others just happen or sometimes -- in rare, and often painful occasions -- are forced on you; pushing you forward into the next chapter of a book where you have no idea where to even establish solid footing or grasp the story line that's just transpired.  regardless of what type of transition you experience, they all share one thing in common:  that transition is propelling you forward. 

i don't know that what i'm doing is right, or if it's conversely wrong for that matter.  but i can't stay here any longer.  i've done nothing but sit and stagnate in the past year. more specifically, in the last few months.  and as a result, i can feel myself rotting away from the inside-out.  this city isn't a city to me anymore.  it's become...okay, you know when you watch a movie and it has some scene where the survivors (or in some cases, a lone survivor) are walking through the remains of his home town or city that was completely decimated by a war?  As he walks he's just strolling along through nothing but smoldering wreckage everywhere, blasted landscapes and bodies strewn about of the people he once knew and loved.  That's what I feel like.  That's what's left.  Nearly every inch, street, building, mountain, park, nightclub, hotel, hospital, and school campus in this city has a cluster of memories attached to it, and most of them topped off with recent ones that are excruciatingly painful.  With those new searing memories of hurt at the top of the pile, they're successfully preventing me from being able to create new ones to cover them up and move on to whatever it feels like to be okay again.  Call it running away if you want, I really don't care if any one approves or not, but I can't stay here any more.  The piece of paper I've been writing on has been written, scribbled, sketched, drawn on, and then erased too many times, and all you see are millions of old pencil indents and marks and faded, sad grey traces of what once was. 

Time for a new piece of paper. 

And while I'm about to place this new piece of paper in front of me and start writing, there are certain things that I know I will never, ever truly get over.  That one regret that you will always have, even though you try to live with no regrets, because your story is your story and it's who you are and how you've learned what you've learned:  the greatest regret and one that will never ever leave me is how I successfully destroyed and lost any happiness I had with you.  I want nothing more than for you to be happy, as happy as I once was with you next to me, and more.  I know as I'm writing this, I am the farthest thing from your mind and probably haven't crossed it in a while, nor will I any time soon, but at this point, I'm hoping that some day we can at least be around each other without you not caring if I was struck by a car at that moment or not. 

And that's all I have to say about that. 
I think I've done all the damage I can do here. 

Bye Sin City.  It's been real.  

sometimes, just show up: life will find you

i'm still reeling over how this situation just sort of found me....without having to really do anything.
but it found me and i think i'm going to see where it goes...at least for now.

so for now, i'd like to introduce you to Trent

Beginning of the End?

so....is this how the end starts?  all the right situational circumstances are in place. 

sure feels like it.

Someone so crosshatched with ambiguity

"...someone upon whose face passion and cruelty had cast a grille of shadows."

<3 when books speak to you...

or about you i guess. 

Mundane

the days are all starting to blend together into one blur of meaningless boredom and pointlessness.

not good

what's wrong with you ?

that's what i want to ask someone  every time one of my friends openly expresses that they either:  A)missed me B)want to spend time with me C)a combination of both A & B.

i hear that and see that they're sincere and i almost want to stop and ask "what's wrong with you?' 


but after actually having done that a few times, i realized that that's one of those things i should keep to myself.

i guess i'm back at that place where i can't figure out why anyone would want to actually take time out of their day to want to spend any of it with me. 

maybe the question isn't what's wrong with them but rather what's wrong with........

what's in front of me,

"to me he resembled an angel.  a sad, beautiful angel."

4th of July

i was doing so good not thinking about you....lately, as long as i've kept myself busy and occupied to the point of being completely overwhelmed, i was something resembling okay.


and then i was reminded that there were fireworks tonight (which for some reason slipped my mind, which is stupid since the 4th of July usually includes fireworks)..
and then i remembered you.

and fireworks.

and my day has been ruined.

:(  happy 4th of july.  miss you

Surprise

and at the end of the day, here you are again, alone.  Because, just like how he realized, there are a million better less pathetic things out there than your sorry ass and there's no other way it should be, because you are a fucking loser through and through.

i don't know why i'm even surprised. 

When Something Speaks To You

"I was desolate.  I toyed again with the idea of becoming a general.  I wanted power so badly that I had convinced myself I already had too much of it, that I was an evil schemer who might destroy everyone around me through the poison seeping out of my pores.  I was appalled by my own majesty. 
I wanted someone to betray."


Crazy how things like this just seem to find you.  All I did was pick up my book and start reading.

Goodbye

For those of you who didn't know Gladys Scriven, I'm sorry you didn't have the opportunity to know one of the most epic and monumental and incredible human beings to ever exist.  The world is officially a much less brighter and far shittier place now that she's gone. 

And yet again...another person taken from me. 

the carnival cometh

i still don't believe in god.  i thought i did for a hot second, but i've been reminded that if there indeed is one that exists, he is a pig with a foul sense of humor and hates me.

but whatever cosmic guiding force or something that there is that exists out there...sure did step in on Sunday.

if anyone even still reads this and knows about a certain letter I wrote a few weeks ago, Sunday night I had put a lot of thought and "premeditated consideration" into it, and I had come to a place where I was okay with it.   And that letter would've been delivered to the intended recipient, among others that I was going to write shortly before ...final curtain call I guess you could call it. 

everyone i knew would be busy and at the carnival, and no one would be around or available to do something stupid like intervene.  i'm sure some of you wouldn't intervene in the first place, a few in particular, which kills me, but that's besides the point.

i was literally driving home to get that show started....and that quickly got de-railed. 
through the kindness of one of my friends, i ended up having probably one of the most incredible nights of this sad little life i have left.  to that friend who did that for me, and probably isn't even aware of it:  thank you. 

i almost missed the Carnival this year kids, but it wasn't in the cards for me to miss out. 

*******************

if you're still reading....i know you're not, but regardless:  what'd you think?  was it everything i tried to convey to you?  did you have fun?  are your ears still ringing?  i hope you had the best time and felt what i feel every time i go. 

miss you

the letter

still on the fence...but i think this might be a good weekend for delivery.

and i've learned from my mistakes:  there won't be any phone calls this time

party's over

the day has arrived, and i guess i'm starting to realize the party is over.

i hope you have the best weekend and you have the time of your life.  i wish i could be there to experience your first carnival.

inevitable

everything is falling apart.  it has been since you left.  i hope you're doing good and are happy. 

probably won't be much longer now.  i think this weekend will be a good time.

not cool

is this a fucking joke?  is blackberry/AT&T really fucking up or are you doing this?  because i'm getting every single email from you from conversations we've had over the last few months re-sent to my phone like i'm getting them for the first time.

it's been happening periodically every day and i'll get 2 or 3 of them at a time.  and i'm trying to do the "New Moon"....doing everything in my power to act as if you were never there, but then i get this, and see us talking and i'm fucking broken all over again.


there are no words powerful enough in any language to convey how much pain I am in.  not because of selfish reasons "oh he's hurting me" crap like that...but because i made you feel exactly the sheer loss and hopelessness and misery i'm completely enveloped in right now.  that...is enough to make me want to kill myself.

i'm so sorry

Reminder

this is it.

this is what it was like before you. 

pointless and trite and repetitive and lifeless and dull and lacking purpose and redundant with no sincerity and no real value at the end of it all.

yes i've been depressed before (understatement) and anyone who knows me well will know that i've struggled with really keeping my head above the tide sometimes, but i have never ever in my entire life experienced this.  

there is a void that has been left by what i've done and the suffering and heartbreak and pain i caused you and from your absence. 

i can and will never, ever forgive myself.
i don't know where you are what you're thinking or ....really anything....other than the single greatest ruination brought unto myself was me.  i miss you so much i don't think i can stand it some times, and when i say i love you i mean it just as much as i did that first time i said it in San Diego, and i hope that one day you can forgive me and there's something better than...whatever this is

Overload

i thought about you all day today.  i don't know what set it off but for some reason i kept seeing the huge cookie from valentine's day in my head.  and seeing those big long arms outstretched across it and the letters that read

"i love you this more much more"

and then sitting on top of that mountain eating our cookie with milk and looking at you and feeling perfectly content.

goodnight

My plea

just be over already.  please.

Totality

i feel that it's been achieved.

he said "some days are harder than others."  very true.  to say today is one of those days is an understatement.

looking back, the totality of everything and all the different elements and how things are now with myself and between the people i love the most, and that the person i loved the most has been completely removed,

i feel like the sum of everything up until this very second is a complete and total failure.  and i have yet to find any motivation to even have hope of anything better.  complete fucking waste of space and of 26 years of everyone's time.  i'm sorry

sick. again

it feels like that's all i ever am. 

and when i'm sick is the worst. because i'm whiney and vulnerable and needy and it's pathetic. 

and it feels like the only person in the world that could make me feel better or give me some sense of comfort is you.

and you hate me and you're gone.

and then....well. now what? 

i miss you so much.  even just talking to you about your day.

i really truly don't know if i'm willing to do this-- all of this, everything -- if this is how it's going to be

Monster

Paramore has a new song..


i thought of you.  it must be my theme song when you think of me.

aptly named too i guess

smouldering

i played with fire last night.  every single resource and piece of information i've come across said to NOT do this while on the meds that i'm on, but cautionary measures seem kinda pointless at the moment.

and so i played with fire indeed, and i know exactly why they warn not to do it, because i think i came dangerously close to having to have the letter delivered (see earlier post).

i should be bothered that i'm not bothered more by the fact that i'm indifferent to what almost happened.

but i'm already over it

and i'm still completely empty.  and part of me thinks that this is what will make him happy...for him to know that my world has been completely torn apart just like his was.  maybe happy was a bad choice of words...appeased? avenged?  satisfied?  i don't know.  but whatever word it is, he has every right to want it if that's the case. and if that is the case, i know i absolutely deserve this.  

hi

hope you're having a good week

sore throat

i started screaming yesterday.

it was the strangest thing.
i was on the 15 heading home and i started thinking about Kona Grill, and the movies, and Final Destination 4...and the list goes on and on...

and i just started screaming.  i screamed so fucking loud and at the top of my lungs that it hurt, and the next thing i knew i couldn't see because i was crying.  and i had to pull over, and i sat there for 10 minutes just screaming and screaming and screaming and crying and crying.

i have never ever EVER felt this before. 
complete and total decimation and helplessness

is this what it was like for you?

no wonder you hate me

Hope

"when hope is lost, all is lost"

amen. 

wait

...reconsidering delivery of said letter.

what i did today

i wrote a letter today.

not just any letter.  it was a suicide letter.

it's strange.  i haven't actually written a letter in a long time.  email doesn't count.  there's something special i think that's been lost to us as technology has developed:  that special feeling of excitement/dread/anticipation/anxiety that we used to feel when unfolding the paper that a letter to us was written on.  so i actually found myself trying to remember how many line spaces to use at which parts of the letter for a proper layout...but then i remembered, if the intended recipient ever actually reads this, proper grammar and punctuation won't really count because...well...you'll be dead now won't you.

as i was writing, half way through, i realized that the anxiety and shortness of breath and panic i was feeling wasn't on accident...i realized that it was because the timing wasn't right.  there have been moments in the past where as i'm doing something or something is happening, it's one of those things that you just know feels right...it's hard to explain unless you know what i'm talking about.  anyway....that feeling? it wasn't happening during this particular moment, and I knew the intended recipient would not be reading this letter today, but i kept writing.

and at the end of it and after reading some of the points i wanted to make and some of the statements i made, i also realized that all of them still held true.  and that while the action that i originally intended to take today didn't feel right.....i still realize that it's just that it didn't feel right today.  

so i saved the letter.  

and i'm filing it away for now, because i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that, but i know that if and when i do decide to take that step, at least i can know that i've put some thought into it and what i'm going to offer to those affected...or may not be affected at all, who knows. 

*************edit*********************

and some of you may be wondering why i even wrote this, because "oh gosh now that person knows anyway"

but it's okay....

he's not reading any more. 

Forfeit (pt 2)

i really really REALLY don't want to play anymore. 

none of the options in front of me to continue playing are good ones, there's a really shitty one, and an even shittier one.  and i don't want either of them. 

and quite honestly i'm really ready to just throw in the towel because i'm pretty convinced that it'd be the best option for the rest of you anyway as all of you could fucking move on already and not have me constantly bringing a rain cloud into your day.

especially you.  i think i've spoiled your days enough, i really don't know why you continue to even keep me around for anything. 

life: neatly packaged with instructions

as of today... my life is in that stupid fucking bag.  and i hate it

and i hate today

and i hate everyone today


but first, foremost, most importantly, most significantly, most passionately, the absolute deepest ...
is that i fucking hate me and my life today. for right now, in this second, i don't want it

and THAT'S where I'm at today.

Forfeit

ok....giving up isn't an option.

none of you fuckers will let me.  otherwise i would.

is there a forfeit option?  like when you know you're gonna lose the game anyway no matter how hard you play....so, can i just forfeit?

please?

Scheduling Conflicts

after yesterday, I've got so much on my plate/in front of me/on my mind that it's seemingly impossible to even start to process in a "one thing at a time" or "one day at a time" frame of mind.  i have no idea how this is going to play out over the next few weeks/months (hopefully years) but....whether I like it or not, I'm being reminded that life doesn't happen on my schedule, it happens on it's own schedule.  And right now, its scheduled itself to be HERE.  NOW. in front of me.  and I have to figure out how I can push through, because I have never been as overwhelmed and terrified and hopeless as I am and have been.

And I know that thoughts of regret get you no where...you should only look forward to the future on how to write a different story from the one you're used to writing, and and to learn from the mistakes you've made.

But as the bad news continues to be handed to me, I am filled with nothing but remorse and regret  as to how I've abused myself over the years through my behavior, and how I have mistreated my friends or taken them for granted, and how I've definitely taken my family for granted when at the end of the day, that crazy bitch is still in my corner....and, how how I was given something absolutely amazing.  and he was mine.  like......i had IT.  and I was his...and I completely took that for granted, squandered it, and trashed a priceless treasure that I had in my possession all along.


And I really hope my friends know how much I love them, and even if they do or don't, there'll be lots more us time, with me making sure you  know how grateful I am for you guys
And I know my family knows I love them....I just need to not lash out at mom so much.

And as for him:  I had him, and I lost him, and I'm so deeply sorry that I pushed you away and that I caused all the harm that I did and how much time was and has been wasted which all would've turned out differently if I had pulled my head out of my ass, seen what was right in front of me all along, and had some real appreciation and gratitude  for the fact that someone gave me their heart, and I was too busy counting down my self-destruct timer that...well....we know what the end result has been.

I haven't posted on here in a long time, so I'm not sure if any one still checks back here,
but if you guys do I want you all to be aware of how grateful I am for each of you and that I could've never made it as far as I have without you guys.

And to you:  I love you, bottom line. always will, and I know I have to forgive myself, but I will never forget what I had and threw away.  Regardless of what I want, having you stick by me ad the fact that you seem to care still as much as I'm gathering means the world to me and I am grateful and appreciative of you every single day. 

...I think that's enough for now. 

Birthday "Review"

so, i will admit, the actual day of my birthday was awful, then the subsequent weekend only continued it.  but now that it's monday and i'm able to switch over to "retrospective" mode  : it was that way because i manifested that myself and that sucks.  i put the role of Victim down, and i actually had a chance to see all the messages i received wishing me a happy birthday.  SOOO...I just wanted to say a tremendous thank you to all of you out there.  my entire post-feed on my profile is all birthday messages and birthday love, and that felt awesome.

so regardless of the horrible things i've done to people in the past, what matters is i'm not doing that today and as a friend of mine told me "but you're writing a different story now.  THAT'S what matters".  so today, just for today, i deserve(d) a good birthday.  so i want my presents now lol

Hope

"Hope?" he says.  "There is always hope.  New developments have yet to present themselves.  Not all the information is in.  No.  Don't give up hope just yet.  It's the last thing to go.  When you have lost hope, you have lost everything.  And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope."

Hello Old Friend

haven't been here in a while.  it's funny how i only seem to yearn for or search for a "remedy" outlet when I'm hurting....as one can easily deduce by going back through previous entries..

today is okay as far as things go.  many things have gotten so much better since I started writing here back in August. 

And some things are about to be changing, and the spot light is really going to be on me this time to see if I've learned anything over the last few months and to see if I can apply what I've learned to start achieving the things I want...and maybe gaining back some things that I've lost....or

if I'm just going to fuck it all up.  But that's not what I want...and I do NOT want to let that happen.

So today, as I said, I'm okay and things are okay.  But today has also been really rough: 

because I fucking miss him so much and I am being patient and working at it, but I feel like I was just reminded that I lost a major body part that it took forever to acclimate to the change.  And now for some reason over the past week it's really increased in intensity...and it hurts.  and I miss you.  :(