New Adventure

So yesterday I moved into a new sober living house called Serenity House.  After spending the last 2 weeks sleeping on my mom's couch, sleeping in my own bed last night (a queen size btw) was a welcome change.  Don't get me wrong, staying at mom's house was great, but it's nice to have my own room again.

I'm dealing with some conflicting emotions, however.  As nice as it is to have my own space, my own room (with a TV), and not be sleeping on a couch, I was surprised yesterday at the overwhelming anxiety I felt as I was moving everything in.  Pure anxiety, sheer terror, and fear at the thought of a new environment with a brand new set of rules I need to adhere to along with a house full of other guys that I'm still trying to remember the names of as I meet each one (which, btw, I haven't remembered a single one yet).  I was so nervous and so wound up yesterday that I threw up a couple times.  Yes, that's right, I got so nervous that I actually threw up.  And that has happened only one other time in my entire life.  I know I don't have anything to be afraid of in reality, but I'm feeling completely nerve-wracked over doing something wrong, fucking up, not following the rules and doing something wrong, and afraid of the other roommates.  Basically social anxiety times a million. 

I do have a couple exciting things that I have to be grateful for though.  1-new iPhone!  After years of defending my Blackberry against all you Blackberry haters, on Sunday my mom bought me a new iPhone 5c and got me a new phone number, which, on top of the added luxury of the new piece of technology, will also serve as a clean slate phone number wise.  I've already transfered all of my contacts I wanted to transfer and left out the ones that I don't want to have my number.  Definitely an instance of changing "people, places, and things."  And 2-I got new contacts!!! (FINALLY).  I've been wearing my glasses 24/7 since December when my last set of contacts (that were 2 years old) had to go after giving me an eye infection.  Thanks to my Ryan White Part C & new Medicaid coverage, my eye exam today along with the order of contacts was covered 100% and I was happily able to take off my glasses and put in a fresh pair of contacts. 

Yesterday, my mom suggested I do a gratitude list to try and ease my anxieties I was feeling.  I did one, but it didn't help.  I don't know why the new living situation has me so wound up.  I guess I was comfortable at the Rehmar House because it was an extension of LVRC and I felt comfortable there, knowing the familiar faces both on and behind the scenes, as well as feeling at home with the location being on the Northwest side of town, up the street from mom's house.  The location of Serenity House is off of Sahara & Decatur.  I've never lived in this area before and while it is central to just about everything I need and everywhere I need access to, I still feel like a stranger and am scared to leave my room.  Looks like I'll be doubling up my clonopin doses until I can calm the fuck down.

Letting Go of Worry

What if we knew for certain that everything we're worried about today will work out fine?
What if...we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time?  Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if...we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become?  Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if...we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing?  What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life.