Sunday, September 30, 2012
Not a Victim
You are not a victim.
How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization.
Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us!
Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn't run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. . . .
You've got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we've had such hard times. . . .
Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork. . . .
I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances.
Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows.
Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind.
We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims.
We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations.
We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility.
Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim responsibility for yourself!
And learn to enjoy what's good.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Peace with the Past
Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy -- energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.
"I used to live in my past" said one recovering woman.
"I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both."
"I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me -- even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.
"I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow. I've been in recovery for years now, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel any feelings I still have, especially anger.
"I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule and truly all is okay. I've learned to stop regretting, and start being grateful.
"When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I've learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that the Universe was in control, even then."
"I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I'm able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.
"I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.
What I've learned has been acceptance -- without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I've even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming."
We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for ourselves and others.
Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.
"I used to live in my past" said one recovering woman.
"I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both."
"I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me -- even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.
"I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow. I've been in recovery for years now, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel any feelings I still have, especially anger.
"I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule and truly all is okay. I've learned to stop regretting, and start being grateful.
"When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I've learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that the Universe was in control, even then."
"I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I'm able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.
"I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.
What I've learned has been acceptance -- without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I've even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming."
We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for ourselves and others.
Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.
Monday, September 24, 2012
I Failed the Friend Test
Yes, I "journal." Gay? extremely, get over it. But I had to work something out in my head, because i had recently exploded and continued to, much to this other person's dismay and frustration. So much so in fact, i'm scared that the relationship we have (relax, friends only) has been permanently damaged by what i've done. anyway, this is what i scribbled out in a frenzy today as i worked it out in my head:
Vital pieces of importance
more important to understand than be understood
like understanding how much stress ____ is under instead of going off on rants, trying to force my message across that he hurt my feelings by something he said (and triggered this whole bout of insanity).
The harder I pushed my point/message, the more he pushed back, resistant to even listening/reading, would then continue to say hurtful shit
***stop pushing and so will he . You did what you thought was in his best interest when he fell asleep by letting him continue to sleep. You then took it upon yourself to take extra (and quite unnecessary) steps that, yes, were with the intent of wanting to help him that evening, but that is NOT what he asked for nor what he wanted.
When he reacted the way he did, it wasn't the reaction you had expected (unfair expectation placed on him by YOU without even knowing it) and you got upset & hurt that he didn't appreciate it all how you thought he SHOULD have. Yes, you were trying to help, but again -- not what he asked.
Continued to do more damage by taking it upon yourself to do what YOU thought was best, not what he had asked.
All of the consequences you then suffered throughout the rest of the evening should NOT be blamed on him as this was ALL A RESULT OF YOU TAKING YOUR OWN INITIATIVE SELFISHLY. NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HAD STAYED IN ONE PLACE. YOU SHOULDN'T BLAME HIM OR GIVE HIM THE SOB STORY AS YOU'VE ALSO REALIZED THAT IT WAS SUBCONSCIOUS / UNKNOWING ATTEMPT TO GARNER PITY FROM SOMEONE.
all you did was create more chaos and his days have been overflowing with chaos already. while you did, truly, have the intent to help as best you can, you did nothing of the sort and, quite frankly, fucked the entire night up, for him and yourself.
****************************************************
yes, it's cliche, but each realization i had when processing the above was like a light switch going on.and while self-enlightenment is good, this did not feel good, because i grew more and more ashamed of myself.
hopefully this can be remembered some day as one of the major "trials and tribulations" of a friendship ....but i'm really scared i was such a terrible friend that he might feel like he can no longer consider me as someone who will always be in his corner and someone who is there to help support the burden when shit gets shitty, not add to it.
Vital pieces of importance
more important to understand than be understood
like understanding how much stress ____ is under instead of going off on rants, trying to force my message across that he hurt my feelings by something he said (and triggered this whole bout of insanity).
The harder I pushed my point/message, the more he pushed back, resistant to even listening/reading, would then continue to say hurtful shit
***stop pushing and so will he . You did what you thought was in his best interest when he fell asleep by letting him continue to sleep. You then took it upon yourself to take extra (and quite unnecessary) steps that, yes, were with the intent of wanting to help him that evening, but that is NOT what he asked for nor what he wanted.
When he reacted the way he did, it wasn't the reaction you had expected (unfair expectation placed on him by YOU without even knowing it) and you got upset & hurt that he didn't appreciate it all how you thought he SHOULD have. Yes, you were trying to help, but again -- not what he asked.
Continued to do more damage by taking it upon yourself to do what YOU thought was best, not what he had asked.
All of the consequences you then suffered throughout the rest of the evening should NOT be blamed on him as this was ALL A RESULT OF YOU TAKING YOUR OWN INITIATIVE SELFISHLY. NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HAD STAYED IN ONE PLACE. YOU SHOULDN'T BLAME HIM OR GIVE HIM THE SOB STORY AS YOU'VE ALSO REALIZED THAT IT WAS SUBCONSCIOUS / UNKNOWING ATTEMPT TO GARNER PITY FROM SOMEONE.
all you did was create more chaos and his days have been overflowing with chaos already. while you did, truly, have the intent to help as best you can, you did nothing of the sort and, quite frankly, fucked the entire night up, for him and yourself.
****************************************************
yes, it's cliche, but each realization i had when processing the above was like a light switch going on.and while self-enlightenment is good, this did not feel good, because i grew more and more ashamed of myself.
hopefully this can be remembered some day as one of the major "trials and tribulations" of a friendship ....but i'm really scared i was such a terrible friend that he might feel like he can no longer consider me as someone who will always be in his corner and someone who is there to help support the burden when shit gets shitty, not add to it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Letting the Good Stuff Happen
I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes, I'm afraid it won't be. Sometimes, I'm frightened it might be.
The good stuff can scare us. Change, even good change, can be frightening. In some ways, good changes can be more frightening than the hard times.
The past, particularly before any recovery, may have become comfortable familiar. We knew what to expect in our relationships. They were predictable. They were repeats of the same pattern -- the same behaviors, the same pain, over and over again. They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen.
This is not so when we change patterns and begin recovering ourselves.
We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life. Relationships would be painful. We'd be deprived.
Each year would be almost a repeat of the last. Sometimes it got a little worse, sometime a little better, but the change wasn't drastic. Not until the moment when we began recovery.
Then things changed. And the further we progress, the more we and our circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory.
Things get good. They do get better all the time. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates.
We no longer want to be a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma.
Life gets good.
"How do I handle the good stuff? It's hard and more foreign than the pain and tragedy."
The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences: One day at a time."
The good stuff can scare us. Change, even good change, can be frightening. In some ways, good changes can be more frightening than the hard times.
The past, particularly before any recovery, may have become comfortable familiar. We knew what to expect in our relationships. They were predictable. They were repeats of the same pattern -- the same behaviors, the same pain, over and over again. They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen.
This is not so when we change patterns and begin recovering ourselves.
We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life. Relationships would be painful. We'd be deprived.
Each year would be almost a repeat of the last. Sometimes it got a little worse, sometime a little better, but the change wasn't drastic. Not until the moment when we began recovery.
Then things changed. And the further we progress, the more we and our circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory.
Things get good. They do get better all the time. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates.
We no longer want to be a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma.
Life gets good.
"How do I handle the good stuff? It's hard and more foreign than the pain and tragedy."
The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences: One day at a time."
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The Language of the World
At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him. When he looked into [his] dark eyes, and saw that [his] lips were poised between a laugh and silence, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke -- the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well. [He] smiled, and that was certainly an omen -- the omen he had been awaiting, without even knowing he was, for all his life....
It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only [man] in his life, and that, with no need for words, [he] recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredibly certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.
It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only [man] in his life, and that, with no need for words, [he] recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredibly certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)