The Move, My Head, and Everything Else

Ok, the move is tomorrow.  Physically, I'm ready; boxes and packing wise, I'm pretty much ready.  All bases have been covered, movers/truck acquired, service installation dates scheduled, belongings have been boxed up.
MENTALLY, however, I'm nowhere NEAR ready.  I'm a mess, I feel completely overwhelmed and I feel like if I were a cat, I'd have my claws clinging to this apartment so hard I'd be drawing blood.  I spent the afternoon with my mom yesterday and had some really deep, in depth, hardcore talking about where I'm at and what's going on and it felt good to hear her tell me that moving just sucks.  That I'm not unique in being overwhelmed, that it's a stressful situation for anybody and that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling.  That was incredibly validating because all week I've felt like there was something uniquely wrong with me, that I wasn't handling it or coping with this the "right" way.  Which, when you look at my behaviors last week, I truly wasn't coping with anything, I was acting out in every way I could in an attempt to mask, hide, and cover up what I was really feeling.  But the self-destructive behavior approach only works for so long before you start to cause enough damage to your life and yourself and your mental state where you have to blow the whistle on yourself and finally look at yourself and do an honest self-appraisal and then, God forbid since as addicts we want to do everything by ourselves, actually reach out for help.  So that's what I've been doing this afternoon so far since I woke up.  I've created an  insular tiny protective small bubble of people I talk to and that has only hurt me because I used to have a wide list of people I'd check in with every day as a support network.  It kept me talking, kept me connected, and helped me get outside my own head when talking to somebody and asking them how THEIR day was going instead of obsessing over whatever the fuck was wrong with me at that moment.  I also have not been utilizing my sponsor in a way one should and I've been short-changing myself and our relationship all week by saying I'm fine, I'm great, everything's great!  When in reality, I was a fucking mess all week, leading up to Saturday's self-mutilation stunt.  Why the fuck would I have a sponsor if I'm not going to bare myself and my head and thoughts to him and be totally transparent?  I can fake it and mask and hide to everybody else in my life if I want, but I feel that one should have at least ONE person in their life that they can become totally transparent too, be 100% honest with and present yourself just as you are to this person so that you not only can build a relationship with trust as a foundation, but so that you can open yourself up to solutions and wisdom and guidance from the other person, instead of relying on your own fucked up thinking to get out of the fucked up thinking that your own fucked up head thought things up in the first place.  Did any of that make sense?  I don't care it made sense to me.  All I know is there are tools and people and principles available to me to apply to my life right now, especially when I'm gasping for air, and it's my responsibility to apply all those, because I have a choice if I want to face life on life's terms and cope in as healthy a way possible, or if I want to continue to pretend like everything's fine and I'm great but on the inside continue to drive myself further and further into being fucking insane.  Because if I continue to pretend like I'm fine and great and everything's great and continue to mask what's really going on, it comes out in other ways; self-destructive ways, that can (and probably will) lead up to some stupid stunt that lands me back in Rawson Neal Psychiatric Hospital.  I've already been there twice, and two times was enough thank you very fucking much.

Fucking Crazy

Well, the title of this post says it all.  This week I have been absolutely fucking crazy and have acted out in nearly every character defect and every vice possible all in an attempt to mask what I have been feeling and how I'm coping (or not) with current events and conditions in my life.  And then even with help available to me (my sponsor, my friends, my mom), I still choose so sit in my misery and try to numb myself or just keep myself distracted so I don't have to think about the things that are eating away at me.  Last night things came to a bursting point and I found myself mutilating myself and poking myself with push pins in an attempt to get some release and also punish myself for everything that I feel that I'm not being/doing and that I'm lacking.  Why push pins?  Because I didn't have anything sharp in the apartment to cut with.  THAT'S how fucking sick my disease is and how it manifested yesterday.  When I take stock of everything that's going on right now, everything seems okay:  I'm not facing homelessness, dereliction, destitution, or financial hardships.  I have a sponsor, I have friends I can call, I have a mom who is amazingly supportive and loves me and is standing behind me 100% in my efforts to achieve a happy life.  But underneath it all, there's some insidious, murky issues and thoughts and circumstances that are eating away at me and that I have been totally avoiding the process of really getting to the bottom of, talking them out and working through them, and processing them so that I can move forward.  And if I continue to keep all this in and not utilize the tools that I do have at my disposal, it is going to fucking kill me.  Whether from a drug overdose, a cut with a razor that went just a bit too deep, or a prescription pill overdose, either way, the level of insanity that I've reached this week has gotten out of control, and I didn't get into recovery to be this miserable, this crazy, this lonely, or have this chaos going on in my head.  I get the fact that life has its ups and downs and that we must deal with them accordingly.  That's life on life's terms.  I get it.  But when you're subconsciously creating and perpetuating unmanageability and chaos and isolation and loneliness and despair, you need to take a step back, gain some perspective, and realize that YOU are the problem and YOU have to fix yourself, because no amount of fast food, gambling, sex, drugs, or cutting, or prescription pills can fill the void you've created within yourself.  And right now, that void in me is fucking gigantic and is like a black hole, sucking up all positive energy and love and light and everything good and is swallowing them leaving me feeling destitute, lonely, bored, unmotivated, without a sense of purpose, and miserable.  And I have no one to blame but myself.

Forgetting The Past

We may think that forgetting the past is essential for growth and peace of mind. It's a tempting idea: we'll start over again, we think, fresh and new. But if we lose that old pain, we'll also lose all that we learned. We may repeat our mistakes, or make even worse ones next time. Dwelling on the past is equally dangerous. We began recovery to build a better life.

To find and maintain our balance, each area of our lives needs attention. A healthy mind in a healthy body is free to find God. And, with God's help, we can learn to recognize and forgive our past mistakes, while we keep the remarkable lessons we learned from life.

With our remembering, with our inventory, we can truly experience the repentance that frees us from regret and remorse. When we acknowledge our mistakes, we can learn from them and come to forgive ourselves.

Today help me use my memories to learn and change. Help me to forgive my past.

Status Update

So I'm moving.  The financial opportunity that presented itself in moving into this new home couldn't be ignored when compared to what my expenses are presently at this apartment.  I know, logically, that it's the right thing to do and that it'll really give me a chance to replenish my savings.  Emotionally, however, I am kicking and screaming the whole way because I do NOT want to leave this apartment.  I love everything about it and it's become my home base, my safety zone, and I'm having trouble letting it go.  So I've been begrudgingly packing up boxes slowly all week.  I need to get my ass in gear though because we've got a target move date and that's March 31.  So that's only a few days away.  I have everything in the apartment packed for the most part.  All that's left is the bathroom, the kitchen, and my room, all three of which I'm saving for last since I use those 3 rooms the most and need them fully functioning.  I've also spent the last few days setting up service installation dates for utilities I'll be needing (internet, TV, etc).  It's felt good to have tasks to complete and responsibilities I needed to get done because it combated my feelings of uselessness and lacking of any sense of purpose or direction which I've expressed in a previous blog entry.  Those feelings, by the way, have not abated and have, if anything, only started to affect me more as I've been neglecting or not doing things for self-care that I enjoy doing (reading, playing video games, drawing, etc), and have got me stuck in a familiar, comfortable state of misery that I'm so used to that I'm not taking action to change anything or how I'm feeling.  Like I'm stuck, but I haven't done anything to get UNSTUCK because the misery and loneliness and uselessness and negativity is something I'm so used to and familiar with that I'm choosing to stay in it, rather than reach out and take action to change it.  Like my meeting attendance.  I haven't been to a meeting in OVER A WEEK.  That is just not acceptable.  Every night this week when there was a meeting I knew I could easily reach via bus, I concocted some excuse or rationalization of why I didn't need to/want to go.  If it weren't for checking in with my sponsor and talking to some other program friends, I would've gone absolutely insane by now, fallen victim to my own crazy thinking and unreasonable, negative, hateful, intolerant, judgmental self-talk.  In an attempt to look at something positive out of all this, I can at least have gratitude and appreciation that I have the self-awareness and insight to recognize all this that's going on with me and in my head, because once you identify the problem, it's easier to start shifting toward solutions and saying "okay, we know what's wrong, now what can we do to fix it?"  I just need to make it through yet another day (hour by hour, minute by minute if necessary) until later tonight when I get to go to my home group meeting at 6, which, I can barely contain myself and my excitement of getting to go to a meeting.  I just need to remember that I have a disease that LIES to me, and that my self-talk is not based in reality, as it is venomous and hateful and intolerant and self-defeating.  I need to shift my perspective on things and get into a solution-oriented mindset, because sitting in all this misery and negativity may be familiar and comfortable, but it's killing me slowly from the inside out.

March 23 - Flack From Setting Boundaries

"We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us.  Once we understand this, we can go anywhere."

When we own our power to take care of ourselves -- set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern -- we may get flack from some people.  That's okay.  We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care.  That is not our responsibility.  We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them.  Let them have their feelings.  Let them have their reactions.  But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system.  If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no.  If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop.  That's normal.  We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care.  Not abuse, mind you.  Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled.  That's okay.  That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change.  We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention.  It doesn't deserve it.  It will die down.

Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.

3/21/2015

So in my last post I talked about how I had acted out in some seriously sick, self-centered, and downright monsterous ways and that I needed to do some damage control to make amends to the person I had wronged.  Well, I sure as shit did some damage this time because this person refuses to talk to me right now, won't take any of my calls or answer my texts, and it's driving me crazy because all I want to do is apologize and own up to what I did.  I have to take them and their feelings into consideration though because just because I may be in a place to apologize and make amends doesn't mean that this person is in a place where they're willing./ready to listen.  So the ball is in their court and I guess I just have to wait until they're ready.  Which, as anyone reading this that knows me will know, patience isn't one of my strong points.
Also, I'm still really trying to get into acceptance over the fact that I am going to be moving (AGAIN).  I really don't want to leave the place that I'm at now; I love it here, I love my apartment, I love the location.  But logically and financially, the benefits from moving to this new place I'm going to make a lot of sense and I have to do it.  I should be packing and getting stuff organized, but I keep putting it off because I guess I'm still trying to hold on to this place as long as I can.
Overall, I'm still unhappy, still in a negative mind frame, and am feeling like shit for how I've been acting lately.  Blah.

Acting Out

So in my last entry, I talked about having done some thinking/processing and that I had had some realizations about the causes of my current depression and shitty disposition toward life.  Well, all that still holds true, but the story continues as the causes of my depression and my behavior are proving to be...well....not so great.
Lately, mainly over the past 2 or 3 days, I've been acting out in some of my sickest of character defects, and my outlook and attitude are being affected as well as I've grown more impatient, judgmental, negative, argumentative, self-righteous, And even worse, I'm taking it all out on people close to me that I care about.
Today, for example, what started off as an innocent conversation in an attempt to explain how I was feeling about things and why, turned into a hostile, volatile situation that had the other person downright scared to be around me and was so appalled at my behavior that they said that I'm not the person I was a week ago.
I am in need of a serious attitude readjustment and need to desperately inject some spiritual principles of the program into my life ASAP.  Things like patience, ACCEPTANCE, integrity, forgiveness, open-mindedness, tolerance, willingness, and commitment.
I also need to ask the person mentioned earlier for forgiveness and apologize for how I treated her today.

Recent Discoveries

So after weeks of stewing in my own juices and marinating in my depression and misery, over the past week or so I've been fortunate enough to have a couple of "Aha" moments and have been able to finally come up with some answers to questions like:  why am I feeling this way?  Why am I behaving in certain ways that has me acting out in my disease and letting my disease manifest itself in other areas and ways in my life.  After some time spent trolling around online (yes, I admit it, I was browsing the hook up sites), several rejections. and some more time to think and process I've come to a painful, ego-shattering, painful realization:  I am no longer sexually attractive in any way or form.  The damage that was started in 2013 when I put on the first of the weight has only gotten worse and I've slowly continued to put on weight as time goes by.  I've lost all muscle definition, any semblance of my toned stomach I used to have, and I'm pretty sure that I see the beginning of man boobs.  This has affected me on such a deep, down to my core way that I am so disgusted with myself, my body, and what I see in the mirror that I can barely stand being in my own skin.  I feel that I've let myself turn into a fat, useless slob fuck that no one will ever want again sexually or romantically.  My inability to be at peace with myself in my own skin has contributed greatly to certain behaviors I've been acting out in lately that I'm none too proud of.
Another contributing factor to my on-going depression is something a friend of mine stated as his observation, but after hearing it said out loud, I knew it was true:  I feel like I have no purpose, no reason to thrive, survive, live my life.  I feel completely useless, lost, and without a sense of any direction of where I'd like to be headed.  Yeah the Social Security income approval was a blessing as are all the wonderful gifts I've been blessed with as a result.  But I find myself waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, taking a look around, not having anywhere to be, not having a job, and no prospects for any plans for the day and then asking myself "....okay...now what do I do with myself?"
So, overall, having no purpose in my life right now, coupled with the fact that I'm now a fat useless fuck slob, I find it hard to claw my way up and out of this depression and foul mood that has begun to affect every area of my life.

Oh well...at least I figured out WHY  I've been feeling this way for the past couple weeks.  I just wish it would go away.

March 13 - Clarity and Direction

In spite of our best efforts to work our programs and lean on God's guidance, we sometimes don't understand what's going on in our life.  We trust, wait, pray, listen to people, listen to ourselves, and the answer still does not come.
During those times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be, even though that place may feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Our life does have purpose and direction.
We are being changed, healed, and transformed at levels deeper than we can imagine.  Good things, beyond our capacity to imagine, are being prepared and brought to us.  We are being led and guided.
We can become peaceful.  We do not have to act in haste or urgency just to relieve our discomfort, just to get an answer.  We can wait until our mind is peaceful.  We can wait for clear direction.  Clarity will come.
The answer will come, and it will be good for us and those around us.

Today, God help me know I am being guided into what's good about life, especially when I feel confused and without direction.  Help me trust enough to wait until my mind and vision are clear and consistent.  Help me know that clarity will come.

March 12 - Getting Out of the Rut

"Many times in our recovery, the old bugaboos 

will haunt us.  Life may again become

meaningless, monotonous, and boring."

Sometimes it seems as though nothing changes.  We get up and go to the same job every day.  We eat dinner at the same time every night.  We attend the same meetings each week.  This morning's rituals were identical to the ones we performed yesterday, and the day before that, and the one before that.  After the hell of our addiction and the roller-coaster craziness of our early recovery, the stable life may have some appeal -- for a while.  But eventually, we realize we want something more.  Sooner or later, we become turned off to the creeping monotony and boredom in our lives.

There are sure to be times when we feel vaguely dissatisfied with our recovery.  We feel as though we're missing something for some reason, but we don't know what or why.  We draw up our gratitude lists and find literally hundreds of things to be grateful for.  All our needs are being met; our lives are fuller than we had ever hoped for.  So what's up?

Maybe it's time to stretch our potential to its fullest.  Our possibilities are only limited to what we can dream.  We can learn something new, set a new goal, help another newcomer, or make a new friend.  We're sure to find something challenging if we look hard enough, and life will again become meaningful, varied, and fulfilling.

Just For Today:  I'll take a break from the routine and stretch my potential to its fullest.