Letting Go of Denial

    Most of us in recovery has engaged in denial from time to time.  Some of us relied on this tool.
    We may have denied events or feelings from our past.  We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs.
    We denied the truth.
    Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt.  It would be a loss of something:  trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
    Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul.  It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality.  People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
    We are sturdy yet fragile beings.  Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope.  We do not let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.  
    We will do this, when the time is right.
    We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth.  We will face and deal with reality -- on own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing.  We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
    We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.

Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident.  I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.

People Pleasers

    Have you ever been around people-pleasers?  They tend to be displeasing.  Being around someone who is turned inside-out to please another is often irritating and anxiety-producing.
    People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family.  We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
    People-pleasing can be overt or covert.  We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you."  Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
    Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships.  We have responsibilities to friends, and family, and employers.  We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring.  But, people-pleasing backfires.  Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned.  The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.

Accepting Imperfection

    "Why do I do this to myself?"  asked a woman who wanted to lose weight.  "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie (baaahahahahahahaha!) that wasn't on the diet.  I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot.  I felt so ashamed before I came to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly.  Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."
    Why do we do this to ourselves?  I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life.  Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect -- whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
    Whether we're judging ourselves or others, it's two sides of the same coin:  perfection.  Neither expectation is valid.  
    It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough.  That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve.  It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course.  Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.

Today, I will love and encourage myself.  I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.

Strength

    We don't always have to be strong to be strong.  Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable.  Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
    We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
    There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible.  Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas.  Sometimes, we cry in front of people.  We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
    Those days are okay.  They are just okay.
    Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to.  We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength.  We are strong.  We have proven that.  Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human.  Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

Solving Problems

    Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
    In recovery, many of us still fear problems.  We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it.  We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift.  Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
   A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible.  Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient.  All people have problems to work through.
    In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems.  First, we make certain the problem is our problem.  If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries.  Then we seek the best solution.  This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
    Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly.  We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone.  Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us.  Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
    Face and solve today's problems.  Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems,because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
    Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
 
Help me face and solve my problems today.  Help me do my part and let the rest go.  I can learn to be a problem-solver.

Counseling Homework

So, because I'm crazy, I've started to go to counseling.  Laugh all you want, this bitch needs it. 
What is stirring up some super uncomfortable emotions right now is the "homework" she gave me that I'm currently working on:

1 - When was the last time I was vulnerable?
2 - Define vulnerability
3 - List all of my negative self-talk
4 - Write out a list of all of my "I Should be...." statements

I was okay all the way up to numbers 3 and 4.  I'm reading back over my negative self-talk and wondering how I haven't killed myself yet when I'm actually talking to myself like this:

"You're gaining weight because you're a lazy fuck who can't commit to something as simple as a workout/diet regimen."
"The fact that you stopped cutting is a joke.  You're already scarred and tore up and deserving of every scar you have.  Start cutting right away because you deserve it."
"You're a fucking coward."
"You're selfish, self-absorbed, and incapable of caring for anyone else because it interferes with your own selfish wants and needs.  No wonder Andrew and you fell apart.  He knew better."

This is proving to be a not fun exercise.

Powerlessness and Personal Responsibility

    When we refuse to take responsibility for our lives, we give away all of our personal power.  We need to remember that we are powerless over our addiction, not our personal behavior.
    Many of us have misused the concept of powerlessness to avoid making decisions or to hold onto things we had outgrown.  We have claimed powerlessness over our own actions.  We have blamed others for our circumstances rather than taking positive action to change those circumstances.  If we continue to avoid responsibility by claiming that we are "powerless," we set ourselves up for the same despair and misery we experienced in our active addiction.  The potential for spending our recovery years feeling like victims is very real.
    Instead of living our lives by default, we can learn to make responsible choices and take risks.  We may make mistakes, but we can learn from these mistakes.  A heightened awareness of ourselves and an increased willingness to accept personal responsibility gives us the freedom to change, to make choices, and to grow.


Just For Today:  My feelings, actions, and choices are mine.  I will accept responsibility for them.

 

Being Right

    Recovery isn't about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are.
    That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the "right-wrong" justice scale.  The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed.  All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
    In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority.  Yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time.  If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves.  We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves.  But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else.  We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
    In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us.  What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them.  It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.

Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right.  I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong."  I can let myself be who I am.

Acceptance

Acceptance

Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.

We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.

What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.

To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept others, the circumstance, and ourselves exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for our circumstances or ourselves. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."

No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.

Today, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life.  Help me accept others, circumstances, and myself.  Take me one step further and help me feel grateful.

A Choice

After a particularly excruciating Valentine's Day, I've found that I've been in an emotional funk ever since.  In recovery, I've been told time and time again that instead of running or denying how we feel, a better course of action is to lean into the feelings instead, so that acceptance of them will come and the healing process can actually happen, instead of just putting it off and pretending like you're fine, which, in my case, fine would not mean fine but FINE (Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional).
So I got the recognition and acceptance part down, but I've been unable to shift back into feeling okay for the past 2 days.  It's almost like because the feeling of loss, grief, sadness, and misery were so comfortable to me being as familiar as they are, I was unable to make the choice to do something to bring out feeling different.

Our house manager just stopped by and I had a little chat with him, and he reminded me that I did a good job in the recognition and leaning into the feelings part, but that I forgot that today I have a choice.  I can make the choice to continue to sit in it and feel like shit, or implement the next right thing and behaviors to make the choice to feel different.

Thanks Tony.

M

Detachment

    The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us.  When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes?  When are we doing too little?  When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves?  What is our responsibility, and what isn't?
    These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years.  Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others.  Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
    There is no rule book.  But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don't have to be so afraid.  We don't have to do recovery perfectly.  If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it.  If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.
    Having and setting healthy limits -- healthy boundaries -- isn't a tidy process.  We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, and to grow.
    We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves.  If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent.  Lessons don't go away.  If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, we'll see that.  If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
    Things will work out.  The way will become clear.

Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate.  I will let go of my the rest.,  I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.

Control

    Sometimes, the gray days scare us.  Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back.  We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, unable to care for ourselves.
    When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of our Higher Power.  Problems seem overwhelming.  The past seems senseless; the future, bleak.  We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.
    In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness.  That's when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain.  When these "codependent crazies" strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.
    When we're in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this:  Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves.  Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.
    People and things don't stop our pain or heal us.  In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources:  Ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems/group, and our program.
    Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us -- with ease and naturalness. 
    The sun begins to shine again.  Isn't it funny, and isn't it true, how all change really does begin with us?

I can let go of things and people and my need to control today.  I can deal with my feelings.  I can get peaceful.  I can get calm.  I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness -- myself.  I will remember that a gray day is just that -- one gray day.

Valentine's Day

For children, Valentine's Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air.

How different Valentine's Day can be for us as adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like.

Or it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we 

 don't want in our life.

We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves. We have started the process of opening our heart to love, real love that flows from us, to others, and back again. Do something loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for your children, or for anyone you choose.

It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose. Whatever our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love.

I will open myself to the love available to me from people, the Universe, and my Higher Power today.  I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today.  I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.

Trusting Ourselves

    What a great gift we've been given -- ourselves.  To listen to ourselves, to trust instinct and intuition, is to pay tribute to that gift.
    What a disservice not to heed  the leadings and leanings that so naturally arise from within.  When will we learn that these leadings and leanings draw us into the Universe's rich plan for us?
    We will learn.  We will learn by listening, trusting, and following through. What is it time to do?...What do I need to do to take care of myself?...What am I being led to do?...What do I know?
    Listen, and we will know.  Listen to the voice within.

Today, I will listen and trust. I will be helped to take action when that is needed.  I can trust myself and the Universe.

Letting Go of Sadness

    A block to joy and love can be unresolved sadness from the past.
    In the past, we told ourselves many things to deny the pain:  It doesn't hurt that much...Maybe if I just wait things will change...It's no big deal.  I can get through this...Maybe if I try to change the other person, I won't have to change myself.
    We denied that it hurt because we didn't want to feel the pain.
    Unfinished business doesn't go away.  It keeps repeating itself, until it gets our attention, until we feel it, deal with it, and heal.  That's one lesson we are learning in recovery from codependency.
    Many of us didn't have the tools, support, or safety we needed to acknowledge and accept pain from our past. It's okay.  We're safe now.  Slowly, carefully, we can begin to open ourselves up to our feelings.  We can begin the process of feeling what we have denied for so long -- not to blame, not to shame, but to heal ourselves in preparation for a better life.
    It's okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long.  We can feel and release these feelings.
    Grief is a cleansing process.  It's an acceptance process.  It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future -- a future free from sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
  
As I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings.  Today, help me know that I don't have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery.  Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally, in a manageable way.

Self-Acceptance

    From our earliest memories, many of us felt like we never belonged.  No matter how big the gathering, we always felt apart from the crowd.  We had a hard time "fitting in."  Deep down, we believed that if we really let others get to know us, they would reject us.  Perhaps our addiction began to germinate in this climate of self-centeredness.
    Many of us hid the pain of our alienation with an attitude of defiance.  In effect, we told the world "You don't need me? Well, I don't need any of you either!. I've got my drugs and I can take care of myself."  The further our addiction progressed, the higher the walls we built around ourselves.
    Those walls begin to fall when we start finding acceptance from others in recovery.  With this acceptance from others, we begin to learn the important principle of self-acceptance. And when we start to accept ourselves, we can allow others to take part in our lives without fear of rejection.

Just for Today:  I am accepted; I fit in.  Today, it's safe to start letting others into my life.

Letting Go of Guilt

    Feeling good about ourselves is a choice.  So is feeling guilty.  When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course.  Then its purpose is finished.
    Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us.  It makes us feel not good enough.  It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
    We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty.  Even if we've done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem.  So make an amend.  Change a behavior. Then let guilt go. 

Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt.  Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.

This is Not a Test

    Some of us come into recovery with the impression that life's hardships are a series of cosmic tests designed to teach us something.  This belief is readily apparent when something traumatic happens and we wail "My Higher Power is testing me!" We're convinced that it's a test of our recovery when someone offers us drugs, or a test of our character when faced with a situation where we could do something unprincipled without getting caught.  We may even think it's a test of our faith when we're in great pain over a tragedy in our lives.
    But a loving Higher Power doesn't test our recovery, our character, or our faith. Life just happens, and sometimes, it hurts. Many of us have lost love through  no fault of our own.  Some grieved the loss of our own children.  Life can be terribly painful at times, but the pain is not inflicted on us by our Higher Power.  Rather, that Power is constantly by our sides, ready to carry us if we can't walk by ourselves.  There is no harm that life can do to us that the God of our understanding can't heal. 

Just for Today:  I will have faith that my Higher Power's will for me is good,and that I am loved.  I will seek my Higher Power's help in times of need.