Out with the old, in with the New Year

New Year's Eve.
2015 is done and gone.  And holy shit did I learn a lot and grow this year.  I may still be lacking in some areas and could definitely afford to do some more growing, but one of the things I really gained this year was a huge expansion of my level of self-awareness.  Also, through some of the mistakes I made this past year, I've reaffirmed some things that are important to me that I need to hold in the forefront of my priorities each day and that I also need to trust in myself more.
One huge focus for room to grow and improve in 2016, though, is in the area of finances and in my relationship that I have with money.  I can't expect to ever have any or build any of it if my relationship with it now is one where I have probably the worst spending and savings habits of anyone that has ever existed.  EVER.  It's that bad.  So yeah, I guess that's my biggest "resolution" that I have.  To improve my money spending/saving habits.

Sayonarra 2015.
Hello 2016.  Let's do this.

Housing situation and now a possible new business pioneer? wtf?

Yes, you read the subject line correctly, there are THAT drastic things going on my life right now that it seems a miracle I'm able to keep up at times.  For those of you who don't know what's been going on, about a month and a half ago st received a letter from the Housing Authority stating that the program that had been paying for my rental assistance and, abruptly, run out of funds, and that I was no longer eligible for any type of housing assistance as of February 1, 2016.  So translation:  awesome, I'm going to be homeless on February 1.  Fast forward a couple of weeks I spent in a self-destructive, meth'd out haze with the attitude of "fuck it I'm going to be homeless anyway" I received  pieces of wonderful information regarding the situation.  1 - AFAN has a grantee on their board that saw the situation that was caused by pulling the housing assistance out from underneath so many families and others that are dependent on that assistance to maintain their homes that they decided they were going to help and they donated enough money to offer me and others in this situation an extension of the program assistance that would stretch out for another year.  Once that year is up, however, you're on your own.  The other, 2nd option, is that because of the circumstances, the Housing Authority is now offering me and others affected by this their full conventional housing option which would cover my rent entirely in a unit of their choice.  So I'm basically stuck now not sure which direction to take or which option to choose.  Another option became a possibility today after talking with a good friend of mine who, I believe, would probably be the best roommate ever for me.
This same potential roommate is also the one who approached me last night with an update on the business she is trying to get started.  I've never thought I'd be in this position; I always thought I'd be the administrative assistant or assistant manager but never one in a position that I have no found myself in.  After she explained the concept of what she wants her new business to be, I couldn't help but get excited because it is regarding something I am VERY familiar and skilled with:  social media.
She wants to start a social media marketing company where we take on clients and do their social media for them at cost and make a profit off of that.  And that, in my opinion, is sheer genius.
Anyway, after talking about more details and more aspects of what this is going to look like, I made my official statement to her to sign me up for this, that I would absolutely love to be a part of getting this new business venture started and making a big impact with our product we produce.  I'm super excited.  Nervous, but excited.  Nice way to close out 2015.  =]

"....and your true wings will be revealed."

You have wings of steel.  No one's really sure why, but at this point in your life you've shut off emotion to the point of extreme apathy.  You are cold and indifferent much of the time...or perhaps you're just a good pretender.  Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real you.  
You have a certain fascination or attraction to destruction on a massive scale -- disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of the Apocalypse.  Because you hold so much inside, one day you're simply going to snap.
Then the mask will fall away and your true wings will be revealed.  Until then you will deal with whatever comes your way in an icy, bitter silence and acceptance.  On the positive side, you are fearless and immeasurably strong -- not much can crack through your defenses.  You intrigue people who can't help but wonder why you're the way you are.  A loner and one who spends much of that time brooding and contemplating life and death -- you are a time bomb waiting to explode...

                                                   .....and create some destruction of your own.....

Revelations

So it's starting to become crystal clear as opposed to any uncertainty and clouded vision that I've invited people into my life that I absolutely should never have even said hi to.  Within the last 48 hours, 3 people total have continued to show their content of character and what type of person they really are and the quality of human being they are...or should I say lack thereof.  And unfortunately for me, I was either unaware of these outstanding defects at the time or was turning a blind eye to those shortcomings because I was enamored with some other aspect of them that I found endearing that I did want to get to know.
Unfortunately, now that I know them better and I see what they really are bringing to the table and what comes with the package if I am to have them in my life as friends, there comes a whole lot of other shit too.  Shit that, quite frankly, I don't have the time, patience, tolerance, or sympathy for and I want them gone.  As I type this I know at this very moment 2 of these 3 people are probably having a discussion about me in which one of these assholes is throwing me under the bus and painting me out to be the villain.  But I've reached that point where I just don't give a single flying fuck and am in no rush to come to my own rescue and even defend myself.  Say whatever you want, paint me out to be the next Hitler, i just dont care.
Then to top it off, the other individual told me he was organizing a meeting between the 3 of us so the story of "what really happened" can come out.  Yet again, regardless of my track record of being honest and authentic, my integrity is being called into question.  So I told him no.  No I would not be present nor would I participate and, most likely, get into a shouting contest with this bitch who wants to make herself out to be some poor girl down on her luck and for me to be some catty lying faggot who has nothing better to do than to make up stories about her.  Bitch don't flatter yourself.  You ain't worth the effort it would take to even concoct any scheme having to do with getting one up on you because you're a fucking nobody.

Fucking people are stupid

I put my foot down, and God heard me

So in recovery I've been taught one of the most amazing life skills/coping skills that there is to have in your arsenal of navigating through life.  And that's the notion of boundaries:  setting them and maintaining them so as not to feel violated or so you don't end up being victimized.  Once you learn how to do this, it's amazing what it does to your self-esteem and your confidence in yourself and in your ability to make decisions to take care of yourself.  Usually, in recovery literature for example, when they talk of setting boundaries, they are referring to setting boundaries with people in your life.  They never have referred to it in the context to which I took it today.
Things have been going so terribly lately, that I felt as though life were just attacking me on all sides, from all fronts, and without reprieve or remorse; that every thing around me was slowly but surely and progressively crumbling to rubble and there was nothing I could do to stop it; that everything I could or would do would still result in the same thing:  failure and ruin and defeat.
So this morning I made the decision to go to a meeting at 10:30, kind of as a way to try and start my day off on a positive note, instead of the pessimistic, jaded, nasty, resentful frame of mind I woke up with this morning.  On the walk to the bus stop and during the bus ride to the meeting I was mulling over all the events of the past few weeks and analyzing the current state of things that my life had become and I reached a decision.  Not only did I reach a decision, but I felt solid in it and confident in it and that I would take no nonsense regarding it and that I was absolutely serious.
So, with this new inner knowledge, I walked into that meeting, sat down, waited a couple minutes and then said my name and that I was an addict and I proceeded to share my truth that I had recently come to terms with on the bus ride over:  that things were just continuing to go wrong left and right, one after the other; that I felt like no matter what I did or would/could do, it was all going to end in disaster anyway.  However, just because these were the cards that life was handing me did not mean I had to continue playing.  I then challenged God to really tend to and take care of my life because I refused to participate or play in some game or contest that is rigged for my demise; to play in any game where I'm going to lose either way and that I'm set up from the start for failure....that in 2 weeks time, if things hadn't turned around in some way, shape, or form, that I was going to kill myself.  No questions asked and no hesitation.
An eerie, uncomfortable silence settled over the room and the meeting then continued.  Of course, there were plenty of people that wanted to put their 2 cents in about what I said after the meeting but I pretty much just ignored all of them and walked away because, quite honestly, I couldn't give a FUCK what people thought about what I said.  Yes everyone is entitled to an opinion; but that does not leave me in any obligation to have to listen to or entertain it.
I felt the meeting, took the bus back towards home, then, as I was walking home, my phone rang.  It was a case worker from AFAN with some news she thought I might like to know.....the housing assistance program that's been helping me pay my rent and keep a roof over my head has devastated a huge portion of the less fortunate population here in Vegas, and they couldn't just let that happen and not do something to help, because per the terms of the cancellation of the program, all recipients of the assistance had only 60 days to make other living arrangements.  Then she dropped the bomb on me:  A grantee on their board saw what was going on and gave the okay to fund AFAN's own program that would provide the same assistance to all of the recipients FOR A FULL YEAR.

Problem:  SOLVED.  I am no longer going to be homeless come February 1st.

Then, as if God hadn't already sent a big enough of a miracle straight down to me, I got inside my apartment and shortly after that I heard my phone go off, notifying me I had an email.  I checked it and gosh, wouldn't ya know that I received from the HR department at The Cosmopolitan and they wanted to interview me ASAP for an administrative assistant position with their offices.  My interview is Thursday.  =)

So yes, I practiced boundary setting today.  With God.  And that old fart heard me and answered with "okay, you win, my bad."  I'm so relieved and grateful and thankful.  I still can't believe it =)

Falling apart

Everything is slowly, but surely, falling apart.  The deadline to either find a roommate to help produce the required amount of income for my complex management to allow me to stay is not looking very promising right now.  Nor is the potential new roommate search.  Which means, if I don't find, I'm going to have to look into the price of storage units and what it'll cost to store all my belongings there for a little while until I can get my own place again.  And that breaks my heart.  After finally achieving some independence and learning what it's like to live and behave like an adult (it's only taken 30 years), I refuse to go back to some horrendous alternative situation like another sober living house or transitional living house.  I don't need EITHER of those and I'd ra.  nSo Ither have them save the space and bed for someone who is really kickin' off something.
I've still got to start posting ads for "roommate wanted", repost the microwave for sale ad on Craigslist, read through every job advertisement on Craigslist that even remotely matches my skill set and then send off my resume to their add reply email address,
Then there's the added pressure of "if I'm going to make this work I need a fucking job.  Like, yesterday.  So I'm officially hitting the ground running in that department and am trying to have faith that not only will God provide a job for me, but it'll be just the right one for me for where I'm at right  and that this is one of those situations where I'm fully acknowledging how powerless I really am, and that what I want and desire and feel like I need or should have is of absolutely no consequence nor does anyone care.

Perfect example.  So I was feeling ballsy last night and decided to maybe try breaking down that almost tangible barrier that he's thrown up around himself that is basically people repellent and it's hard to even attempt to get close to him because of the energy/vibrations he gives off.  It's that look...you know the "i've been in prison for 10 years" bit.  Last night I officially made a move and tried reaching out and possibly bridging the gap.  But, SURPRISE!!!!!!!

MORE REJECTION.  There is, clearly, something very wrong with me as nobody wants anything to do with me.  I understand it's nobody else's responsibility to care care ourselves.  However, when ltsomeone is just asking for help with something as simple as buying laundry detergent or putting food in their fridge....where the fuck is the compassion?  I am not coming or venting from a place of feeling self-entitlement, but it's just like "why the fuck am I always the one struggling like this."  And to top it off:  mom is completely disconnected between her, her role in all this, and why some of the culpability and my actions are all a direct result of her wanting to control my finances for so long and her willful stubborn refusal to let me take over my own MOTHERFUCKING FINANCES so I could learn to manage/spend/save appropriately.  If I had been given more time to get used to what I was working with and the ebb and flow of the money I have coming in and out, I have absolute 100%that my current financial predicament would not even be happening because by this time I would've gotten more hands on practice with being responsible for my money, instead of the bullshit that's gone on over the past year such as having to ask her for "permission" to buy something (even though, yes, it was MY money). She just couldn't let go of whatever last vestiges of control she had over me and my life, and she talks a good game when it comes to recovery.  But ultimately, all her codependency and obsession and need to control everything:  it's all still there.  Now it's just masked and hidden by a bunch of recovery lingo and slogans and the false persona that she's "recovered" when, in reality, she's just as out of touch with in as she's ever been.

Situations Update

Well, the "Terrence Affair" is over.  Which also means that my front runner for position of my new roommate is now wide open and available...With no runners at the top that I have as back ups.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  Moving forward and to stay in the solution, I guess I should:  A - keep hunting for potential roommates and also draft up an ad for a Craigslist advertisement advertising my search and getting some traffic and potential candidates stirred up.  I also have started another project to move out of this fucked up situation with my mom and my finances.  It's another "action plan" of what to do to get off Chex Systems registry, get my debt paid off, and therefore eligible to open my own banking account with a major financial institution again without having anybody's name attached to it; it will solely be MINE.  And btw, mom has officially had it with me and wants to withdraw completely from any involvement in my finances, which, I'll admit, has both drawbacks and positive attributes.  But I know it's the best thing to do because she needs to fucking let go and let me feel what it's really like to be managing (or mis-managing) my money and what it feels like if I'm fucking up or if I'm learning new positive behaviors.  Only way for me to learn, I've realized, is for me to be in the thick of it and to bang my head against the wall if that's what it takes.  I was stressed and trying to stuff down my feelings of panic and anxiety and fear over all of this that's going on.
But then I did my morning readings (the Just for Today and Language of Letting Go) and was reminded about a little concept called "Faith."  God has never put in front of a situation or a problem that I wasn't able to somehow survive, overcome, or solve.  A solution always revealed itself, on God's time, not mine.  And I know it looks bleak right now...But the Universe has always provided me with what I need to get through to the other side of obstacles I've had in the past.  I have to have faith that this time will be no different.

Faith, trust, and hope.

December 8 -- Valuing Our Needs

When we don't ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves.  We deserve better.
Maybe others taught us it wasn't polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves.  The truth is, if we don't, our unmet wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships.  We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need.  We may end the relationship because it doesn't meet our needs.
Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need.  Sustained intimacy demands this.
Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want.  That's called setting a boundary.  We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life.
Our attitude toward our needs is important too.  We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously.  When we begin to place value and important on our needs, we'll see a remarkable change.  Our wants and needs will begin to get met.

Today, I will respect the wants and needs of myself and others.  I will tel myself, others, and my Higher Power what I want and need.  I will listen to what they want and need too

Don't be daft. Someone needs a reality check

And that someone is me.  So a knight showed up at just the right time...so what?  That doesn't mean he's gonna look one glance your way.  You have nothing to offer anyone right now other than your own mess of a life and your own issues you're working through that nobody should have the torture of having to work through with you.  There's a billion and one better options out there and the thought that maybe, just maybe, you actually had some appeal to someone is laughable.  Wake up bitch.  Nobody wants you.  Just keep your head down and mind your business.  Ain't nobody gonna bother you or disrupt you and your little package of crazy you got going on.  Just keep chugging along and keep it together.

A Knight Arrives....

So some pretty significant and serious events have happened over the last 48 hours, but none of them happened out of the blue.  There was definitely a culmination effect here as many little things had all added up to complete the picture I was faced with yesterday, which I finally put my foot down, set a boundary, and put an end to and altered the course of events that, without a doubt, would have eventually taken place at one point or another.  I don't want to get into too specific detail as it would , most likely, give away hints as to who I am speaking of or details of my recent behaviors and vices that I choose not to divulge on here, but long story short, I had unknowingly and naively signed up for a situation that, inadvertently, put me, my freedom, my safety, and my home in direct danger of something going catastrophically wrong and could've potentially resulted in me going to jail or prison for a very long time. I was completely oblivious to all of this because, as I said before, it was a culmination of several little things here and there and went by my radar as seemingly common place and that nothing was wrong that, ultimately, built up to be its own monster of a situation that required dealing with.  And it wouldn't have been dealt with, I'd probably still be in this situation, and, down the road, I probably would've found myself in handcuffs if it hadn't been for somebody I met yesterday by sheer chance out of nowhere that entered my life like some angel descending from heaven, providing insight and truths and mystery-revealing facts and revelations about what was going on around me and even more things about myself that I had never and would never have stopped to take the time to ask myself.  Basically, this bitch told me about myself yesterday, but in such a gentle, loving way that I heard everything he had to say, and processed every single word of it, and knew a change had to be made immediately,  and that action was required.  And action was taken....it was not received well and I am less one friend as a result, but when looking at the big picture and what this friend had me involved in, it's blatantly obvious that this person did not have my best interests at heart and those are exactly the type of people I DON'T want in my life today.

But this knight in shining armor does.  I'm not quite sure what to make of him yet.  Or, after a very lengthy and emotionally charged conversation yesterday regarding reasons we're each so closed off, I'm not also what to make sure of us.  But if my assumptions are correct, I believe we may be on the same page.....if not the same page, then at least somewhere in the same book.  We just have to find a way to meet up with each other along the way.  That's all for now, but one absolute fact I can state about him is this:

He is absolutely jaw-droppingly amazing and like an angel sent from God.

Stay tuned

November 30 - -Sharing the real me

I read this this morning and it stopped me dead in my tracks.  This was God directly speaking to me and my current situation of where I'm at in my life:
***************************************************

                                 "Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and aloner."
                                                                                        Basic Text, page 85

Intimacy is the sharing of our innermost thoughts and feelings with another human being.  Many of us long for the warmth and companionship intimacy brings, but those things don't come without effort.  In our addiction, we learned to guard ourselves from others lest they threaten our using.  In recovery, we learn how to trust others.  Intimacy requires us to lower our defenses.  To feel the closeness intimacy brings, we must allow others to get close to us -- the real us.
If we are to share our innermost selves with others, we must first have an idea of what those innermost selves are truly like.  We regularly examine our lives to find out who we really are, what we really want, and how we really feel.  Then, based on our regular inventories of ourselves, we must be as completely and consistently honest with our friends as we can be.
Intimacy is a part of life, and therefore a part of living clean -- and intimacy, liker everything in recovery, has its price.  The painstaking self-scrutiny intimacy calls for can be hard work.  And the total honesty of intimacy often brings its own complications.  But the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings is well worth the effort.

Just For Today:  I seek the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings.  Today, I will get to know "the real me" by taking a personal inventory, and I will practice being completely honest with another person.

Lights, camera....ACTION

So the initial shock and despair that overtook me this week upon hearing the news that my rental assistance was ending is starting to dissipate.l  I spent the entire week with my head buried in the sand, ignoring the problem and ignoring facing my feelings regarding the subject, like if I ignored them they would just magically resolve themselves and be gone when I resurfaced.  Unfortunately that's not how things work and today was my first day actually assessing myself and the situation and accepting it for what it is, how it's made me feel, and yet at the same time regardless of how I feel, what kind of action that I need to get into and steps I need to take in order to use the next 60 days wisely to set myself up for success, not failure, and end up creating some situation where I get to cry victim.
While yes, it is unfair that I am losing my apartment, however, upon talking to a friend in recovery today, they put an entirely different spin/outlook on the whole situation that I would've never even thought of if they had not pointed it out from this vantage point.  You see, originally, I was viewing this as some kind of punishment or karma from God or the Universe by sending ill will or a bad occurrence my way.  But my friend, in response, corrected me and said "This isn't God punishing you.;  It's his way of telling you that you're ready for a new phase in your life and sending you the right circumstances to pass into that phase out of the one you're currently in."
BOOM!!! #mindblown

So I'm slowly coming to terms that come February 1st, yes I will be moving (or, hopefully, taking on a new roommate).  Also, I'm starting to gear up and get ready to take some action and make some moves that need to be done and taken in order for me to take care of myself, my life, my well being, and, ultimately as my friend put it today, "take action to set myself up for success,  not failure."

What the fuck do you mean they ran out of money?

Okay, so after a post I made on my Facebook earlier this week about receiving some potentially devastating news, I know I left any faithful viewers out there hanging in suspense because I never followed up on if the news DID turn out to be legitimately life-altering, or if it was, as my mom was originally calling it "just a mistake."  Unfortunately, after careful examination of the letter I received in the mail from the Southern Nevada Regional Housing Authority, it appears as though come January 31, 2016, all rental assistance benefits (which is what I have been receiving in the form of them paying 80% of my rent each month, which is how I've been able to afford living in a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment all by myself) will cease and stop because the program established for this purpose has run out of funds....THEY RAN OUT OF FUCKING MONEY.  Then, on top of that, the letter closes by also informing me that although I am no longer going to be receiving rental assistance, I am also INELIGIBLE receive any assistance from other Section 8/housing assistance programs.
And, this was oh so sweet of the Housing Authority...guess what they did?  They sent a copy of this letter to my apartment complex office too, so they could read the report.  Once reviewing it, they informed me that on December 1st, per the terms of the lease agreement I have to come into the office and sign a document that says I agree to vacate the property within 60 days.  So, in a nutshell, come February 1st, I'm going to be fucking homeless.  Again.
You know, I understand everyone has their own path and their own set of circumstances and that the Universe unfolds each person's destiny specifically as it's supposed to be laid out for that person but I'm sorry.....this is some bull shit.  After all the "just keep doing the next right thing" and all the "keep coming back" and all the "don't pick up no matter what" and all the meetings and writing assignments and steps and self-examinations and fearless and moral inventories and after all the sharing and all that BULLSHIT, the Universe decides that apparently it is in my karma to have my FUCKING HOME TAKEN FROM ME.
So needless to say I haven't been handling it too well and have basically been a completely fucking bitch ass emotional trainwreck all week and I feel like life is attacking me from all sides and I'm about to implode.

Shift

Well, it certainly has been an interesting week.  Interesting and fucking stressful and frustrating.  My main complaint has been this stomach bug that I picked up somewhere along my adventures that has basically had me scared to leave my apartment because I needed to be in close proximity to a bathroom at all times (that's as graphic as I'm going to get, you figure out the rest).  As a result, I pretty much went the entire week without going to a meeting because of my fear of not being close to a bathroom.  My original line of thought was "oh it'll be gone in a day or 2 I'll just wait for it to pass and get back to a meeting then).  Well it didn't pass in a day or 2.  It lasted all goddamn week, and as a result I didn't go to a meeting all week, which has resulted in me being absolutely bat-shit bonkers crazy and completely self-obsessed and self-absorbed and self-defeating and negative and have been downright mean towards myself and a lot of other people I've crossed paths with this week.  Yesterday was my first day getting back into a meeting and I felt instantaneously better the moment I walked in and sat down and heard the meeting taking place.  I have to wrap this entry up here shortly because I'm going to another meeting this morning, but just wanted to check in about where I'm at this morning after this past week.  I won't go into too much detail as that will violate some anonymity and privacy of my life and other's lives I'd like to maintain, but in summary, my entire focus and attention and efforts have been centralized into certain areas that are proving to be completely fruitless and have left me feeling helpless, hopeless, lonely, frightened, skeptical, cynical, negative, mean, conniving, manipulated, manipulative, deceived, and overall, downright bitter.  After throwing in the towel last night to all of it and going to bed at 7pm last night, I slept over 12 hours, woke up this morning, and had a new sense of clarity with what I needed to do, how to go about doing it, and the actions I could take, one step at a time, to re-shift the focus from these other elements that have left me with all these negative feelings, and back on to me and feeling good about myself, my life, and my surroundings and the people I surround myself with.  That being the case, time to end this entry and take another action that will reaffirm my course correction towards positivity and well-being and prosperity and happiness:  time to go to a motherfucking meeting.

11/16/2015

New week, fresh start, fresh outlook.  That pretty much sums up where I'm at this morning.  I fell asleep early last night (again) and, consequently, woke up early this morning.  Normally I wouldn't be caught dead waking up at 6 AM but since I passed out while reading a book last night around 7, I think I got plenty of sleep to wake up that early.  I'm kinda mad at myself though because I fell asleep reading "The Magician's Land" which I have been trying to get into and really get a good momentum going reading this book for the last 2 weeks.  It's the third in "The Magicians" series and the first two books were incredible so I'm expecting another incredible third installment with this one, I've just been so busy with other shit that I haven't been able to dive into the book like I usually do and fly through 100 pages a day like I was doing with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  But as they say:  "progress, not perfection" so I'm chugging along through as many pages as I can each time I sit down with the book.
I've had a pretty productive morning so far; have yet to talk to my sponsor and to talk to some other friends that I check in with every day , but I'm sure I'll catch them at some point.  That's another commitment I'm making to myself this week:  STAY CONNECTED.  For me, for this junkie, self-sufficiency is a lie and I cannot be left alone with my own thoughts and my own mind unsupervised for any length of time.  Otherwise, I'll go crazy because I'll start to believe the bullshit and lies that my head tells me about myself:  that I'm a fat fucking pig and disgusting slob and that nobody would want to spend time with me and that nobody will ever want me and that I'm damaged goods and tainted and who in their right mind would see anything desirable in me and that I should just lock myself in my apartment 24/7 and spare the world the pain of having to put up with me (yes, this is really the shit that I find my mind telling myself throughout the day).  But when I stay connected and stay in touch with my friends, (my "Inner Circle" core group) I'm told that I am loved, and am reminded that I have people that care about me and that will call me just to check on me to see how I'm doing; people that basically are loving me until I am able to love myself.
So this week, in summary, we're focusing on 2 areas:  meetings and staying connected to my friends.

Ready.  Set.  Go!

Get Your Day Started Off Right...

...and go to a meeting first thing in the morning as soon as you wake up.  It does WONDERS for your frame of mind and thought process and ability to see the day for what it is:  another chance of possibilities and opportunities to do something with yourself.  I woke up this morning right on time (7 minutes before my alarm was set to go off in fact), did my morning routine, got dressed, and headed out for the bus stop to catch the bus down to the 3M Club for a meeting at 9:30 that's, quite simply, called "Sunday Morning Meeting."  I got there a couple minutes late (fucking bus *SMH*) but I got there nonetheless, and I was pleasantly surprised.  The meeting had a good turn out, I recognized some familiar faces that I hadn't seen in while, I got to share and vent some of the steam I've accumulated over the past week so I got to participate in my recovery, and then I got to shut up for an hour and listen to others talk and speak about their lives and experiences, which reminded me that, despite what I think/believe...I am NOT the center of the universe, and shit does not revolve around me and my will.  There are other people here too, each of us trying to do the best we can with what we've got, and it's always humbling to go to a meeting and to hear others talk and for me to just shut up for once and open myself up to different experiences and different lives from people.
After the meeting, I headed home, stopped off at Walgreen's and did some essentials shopping, which turned out to be a little expensive because I got what my mom calls "Shiny Thing Syndrome" and ended up "needing" a fuck ton of toiletries and what not.  And now I'm  home.
Mom's coming by afterwards when she's done having lunch with a friend, but other than that, quiet, peaceful, serene, drama-free Sunday.  And I like it.  :-]

A New Special Somebody? And Thanksgiving Plans

So, totally random, and I know I'm probably going to get a ton of shit for this (from my sponsor, my mom, and all my friends in recovery, the list goes on and on), and yes, I know:  "no relationships for the first year" and all that.  But, being an addict and a junkie, when are we known to follow the goddamn rules?  Yeah, never.  So here I am...and I think I've landed myself in a situation where, as of today, I think I'm dating someone.  I'm still replaying the events of the last 24 hours in my head (all good, no drama or anything like that) and it all seems surreal and too good to be true.
After the nearly fatal toxicity of my relationship with Drew and the gut wrenching soul crushing break up afterwards, it absolutely broke me, shattered me inside, and left me damaged.  After that,I've basically been living true to my vow to absolutely NO RELATIONSHIPS OR DATING UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.  I was closed for business in that department until I was able to sort through all the emotions that the Drew situation still conjures in me to this day.  But I met somebody that, quite literally overnight, turned out to be pretty incredible, and we talked today and agreed to give it a try.  I chose my words very carefully as I talked this out with him because I didn't want to make any promises that I won't be able to keep, and I gave a full disclosure of what he was getting himself into:  a fucked up codependent mess with tons of baggage and trust issues, and that still didn't scare him away.  So we shall see where this goes.  I'm hopeful, but cautiously optimistic.
Otherwise, Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and mom and I talked about it and we thought of something completely different to do this year than cooking enough food to feed an army then entering a food-induced comatose vegetative state after gorging ourselves on said food.  Instead of the feast, I think we're going to volunteer at the Las Vegas Rescue Mission and give some of our time to those less fortunate, especially on a day like Thanksgiving where my mom and I have each other, I have my friends and tons of blessings in my life, and I would have a whole table over flowing with food, while these people have absolutely nothing but the clothes on their backs and are probably fucking starving for a decent meal and shelter for the night.  Nothing screams "humbling" more than that in my head for a Thanksgiving experience.  
More soon.  Stay tuned faithful followers.

Another keytag

Today at the 10:30 meeting I went to I collected my 30 day key tag...yet again.  It's been 30 days since I re-committed myself back to recovery after relapsing from re-recommitting myself back to recovery.  I know I should be proud of myself like my friends are telling me and I should probably be more excited than I was at the meeting when I stood up to collect the tag, but I have this lingering sentiment in the back of my mind that's telling me not to get excited, don't celebrate this at all, and to wait for it to end up being a failure because that's my MO:  fucking shit up, and chances are, I'm probably going to fuck this up, again, too..  So I guess I'm stuck in a wait and see mode right now.  Yeah I got 30 days okay cool, but it was a total buzz kill when I got home from the meeting and opened my shoe box full of sentimental items and I added yet another white key tag to the 987987106543210562314065465 ones I already have in there.  I'm being told I should be proud, but all I feel like is a failure and not good enough and that I'll never get this right.  Bleh

How am I?

I was asked that question today when on the phone with one of my best friends that I consider to be part of my "inner circle."  She asked me how I was doing and what was going on with me.  I stopped for a second, gathered my thoughts, and told the truth.  And after stating my truth, I realized that I'm not 100% okay right now.  As I continued to expound and explain my current mental status and where I'm at today, I realized that I've been plagued with negative affirmations, self-defeating affirmations, and claims and sentiments about myself that all scream how much I hate myself and that, tomorrow being 30 days I'll have clean (yet again), I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my mind to not get too excited, don't celebrate too hard, because I'm probably just going to fuck it up again.  Because that's my MO:  fucking shit up.  I got a PhD in it.  Ever since I got into recovery and started trying to practice this program, I always start to string a considerable amount of clean time together, then go and fuck it up by scoring again and reverting back to full tweaker status in an instant, faster than you can blink.  So I guess, to answer the question of how am I today:  I feel very unsure of myself and very unsure of my recovery and its strength.  I feel very shaky on the foundation upon which I'm standing right now which is also the foundation upon which I'm trying to re-build and establish a life for myself.  I know about the disease and that it's a disease that tells us lies and in our own voice so we believe it and buy into all the self-destructive, self-defeating, self-hating, negative thoughts that it tells us that are true about ourselves.  I know it's all lies.  But when left alone for long enough and I isolate myself to a certain extend and I don't stay in contact with my friends and those who love me who are there to provide me with the truth of what they see in me....when left to my own devices, I buy into the lies and accept them as reality.  And suddenly I'm a worthless piece of shit all over again who doesn't deserve any of what he has in his life and deserves to be suffering, not thriving; not having friends; not smiling; not being happy; not having any sense of peace or serenity in his life.   Yeah, I buy into that shit and I fucking believe it.  I guess the answer is I just can't be left to my own devices or left without supervision with my thoughts and mind for extended periods of time, otherwise, I can easily see myself de-evolve back into a frame of mind where I was on self-destruct mode, and if you weren't there to help aide me in my quest to destroy myself, then you had no place in my life and you needed to get the fuck out of my way.

I don't want to live like that today.  Not anymore.

Lazy Saturday

So I was supposed to/planning on going to a 10 AM meeting at the 3M Club...However, I, apparently, was too comfortable and cozy because I slept RIGHT through that alarm and I just woke up a little while ago.  That kinda stinks because the meeting I was planning on going to is a good meeting (been there once, it's a men's stag meeting, and I loved it), and the pickings for meetings close to me for the rest of the day are slim.  But I just checked the schedule and found the 9 PM at Mountain View Hospital "Saturday Night Surrender" so that's on my meeting/recovery agenda for the day.
I'm also finding myself sending up quite a few prayers to God regarding the interview I had yesterday.  It wasn't until the interview was over and I had a chance to think about the implications of acquiring that position and what it would mean for me, both for my self-esteem and for me financially, and I realized:  I REALLY want this job.  The only thing that might be a road block is the fact that I don't have my own car, because Coco (the boss lady I was interviewed by) said that sometimes they need someone to go post notices on various properties under their company, and that's when I told her I commute via bus and she said that might be a problem =\  So hopefully they see my skill set and what I have to offer if hired, and the whole bus issue can be overlooked.
Additionally, the countless emails I've been sending out and time spent on job hunting is really starting to bear some fruit because I'm not starting to receive floods of calls and emails from employers responding to my cover letter and resume. I have another interview scheduled with a luxury home company Monday morning at 10:30, so I've got to print out more copies of my resume and get ready for another opportunity to knock someone's socks off Monday morning.
I know some of you reading this are wondering what effect this will have on my recovery, and some of you have clearly stated that getting a job is not the right thing to do right now because my focus will shift from recovery to the job.  But I've thought about it, and to obtain and retain a job, the focus sort of HAS to be shifted because maintaining that job and your livelihood is a priority just as recovery is.  Plus, honestly, all this free time I have on my hands is no good for me because with too much free time I end up losing the wind in my sails and easily fall into laziness and complacency and tend to fuck off my responsibilities more so than if I were to have a routine schedule and have things I'm held accountable to, like showing up to work on time, leaving the apartment on time to make sure I have enough time to commute via busses to my job, etc.  So if I become employed, I may not be making 2 or 3 meetings a day like I've been trying to do, but 1 meeting a day is sufficient and if I happen to miss a day here or there, it's not the end of the world.  What matters is staying connected, staying grounded, humble, honest, in integrity, open-minded, willing, and keeping faith in my God to take care of me on this new chapter of my life that could potentially happen here after not having a job for the past 3 years.

So keep your fingers crossed and send up a prayer or two for me.  I really want this job...fuck, ANY job.  Something to channel my motivation and creativity and skill sets and talents into other than just sitting and reading and journaling all day every day.  Recovery is great, but it needs to lead to other things, such as being employable again.  And I think I'm at that point.

I hope so at least.

xoxo

Adult

I can't believe I'm up this early.  And this being a by-product of going to bed at a reasonable hour in anticipation/preparation for today.  You see, I have an interview scheduled at 10 this morning, and I wanted to do everything in my power to set myself up for success, which included going to bed at a reasonable hour, doing some homework and research last night about my SSI / SSD benefits in relation to getting a job, and prepping for my interview last night, making sure everything was ready for presentation and that I was ready to rock this morning and not have to stress about anything except for which tie to wear.  So far so good.  I am nervous though.  The position I'll be interviewing for is Assistant Property Manager at a real estate/property management company.  While I have extensive experience in administrative real estate work, I have minimal experience when it comes to the property management side of things, so hopefully the skill-set I have now is enough to impress them and prove me a desirable hire regardless of my lack of knowledge of the property management world.  So, resumes are ready, portfolio for presentation is ready, outfit is picked out (still haven't decided on the tie though), and game face is on.  Ready to knock their socks off.
Other than that, happy Friday to everyone reading this.  Normally on Fridays I go to a meeting in Summerlin at 6pm.  But the person that I usually catch a ride with isn't going tonight, so I'll be hitting the 2:30 meeting instead so I can get my meeting in for the day to keep my crazies at bay.  Anyway, still have some stuff to do before I leave for the interview.  Time to get moving.

Happy Friday everyone!

Stay tuned.

Self Sufficiency is a LIE

Got another great night's sleep.  And, again, woke up feeling oddly calm about everything that's been stressing me out lately.  What my sponsor said yesterday about ignoring myself really hit home, so as of yesterday I did some mental gymnastics and reexamined my priorities and what was placed where on the list of important things, and realized I needed to re-shuffle the list a bit and put myself back on the top, as well as my recovery.  Making at least a meeting a day, preferably 2 is now a priority.  Focusing on myself and bettering myself is again a priority.  Not inviting drama, disease, ill-will, negative energy, or those who don't have my best interests at heart is now a priority.  Reconnecting with my friends in my "inner circle" and my support group is now a priority.  Reconnecting with my mom is again a priority.  All of these things, I realized, are things that I've been lacking over the last couple weeks and have resulted in me feeling shaky and unsure of myself in all areas of my life, second guessing myself with whatever I was doing and asking myself if I was doing the right thing or not no matter what I was doing:  and I HATE second guessing myself and not being confident in myself or my actions and knowing that I'm doing the right thing.  So what better place to reaffirm knowing what/how to do the next right thing than by throwing myself head first back into meetings and recovery and also making the effort to make sure I reach out to my friends every single day whether it's through a phone call or a quick text message; just so that I made the effort to stay connected, let them know I'm alive and thinking of them, that I need them, and to know they're alive and kickin' too.  Because, the Basic Text says it best:  "self-sufficiency is a lie."  
I also sucked it up and started working on a writing assignment my sponsor gave me a few days ago.  I've been avoiding working on it because I looked at the questions he wanted me to answer and I chose to ignore it for a few days because I realized that some of the answers were going to be painful or uncomfortable to look at, so I figured if I just buried my head in the sand and ignored it that it would go away.  Needless to say, that's not how reality works, because the assignment was still there when I took my head out of the sand.  So last night I finally sat down and started working on it.  And yes, as expected, from the first question, it was extremely uncomfortable and sorta depressing to write out some of the things I was feeling, but applying myself to bettering myself through recovery takes discipline and commitment and I'm committed to not being a fucking crazy mess, so if that means working on this assignment, then working on this assignment is what I'll do.
That's all for now.  Time to get ready for meeting #1 of the day.
Stay tuned faithful viewers.  More will be revealed.

Why Would You Ignore Yourself?

It;s amazing what over 12 hours of sleep can do for you.  This is only further evidence that convinces me that your brain is still working while you're asleep, processing current circumstances and problems you're currently facing, working towards a solution and/or acceptance of whatever factors you currently find yourself in.  Yesterday I was stressed to the max, feeling stretched so thin mentally that I felt I would snap at any minute.  I went to a meeting yesterday, came home, and just relaxed and took care of myself and ate a good meal, then passed the hell out and woke up at around 8:30, only to take a shower, take all my nighttime meds, and go right back to sleep until just about an hour ago.  And I feel like I have a completely new outlook on everything.  I feel like I've gained acceptance for certain circumstances and for "what is" right now and that I'm okay with the way things are for the moment.
My sponsor had some amazing words of wisdom to share yesterday too.  On Saturday, he gave me a writing assignment which I've been putting off and ignoring because the questions involve some answers that are going to be very uncomfortable and painful to look at, so I've done the whole "bury my head in the sand" trick and have been acting like it's not there so I don't have to face it, thinking that maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away.  When I told C____ this he said "Do you like it when other people blatantly ignore you?"  To which I answered "no..."  To which he responded with:

"Then why would you ignore yourself?"

BOOM!

So today, I'm committed to working on this writing assignment he gave me and unveiling some uncomfortable truths about what's going on in my head lately.  Also, I think I'm committing to three meetings today, because I haven't been to many lately, and I'm definitely feeling it as my crazy level has been slowly mounting and climbing and it's taking more and more mental exertion to contain the pressure between my ears.

Stay tuned.

Target

I may be imaging things, I may be paranoid, I may be blowing things totally out of proportion, but over the last week after observing some things about my surroundings and certain variables that have suddenly become present in my life, I'm 99.9% certain that I...how to put this...let's just say I quite possibly have a target on my back.  I may be totally imagining things, but I keep seeing things day after day that only affirm my suspicions.  If this is all true, then I could be in very serious trouble.  Hopefully I'm wrong and my anxiety disorder is just getting the best of me and I'm imagining shit.

As for Palm Springs boy, I've decided on  what to do.  And that is:  nothing.  Sometimes the best course of action is to stay still and wait and take no action and let things play out themselves.  And I feel that's exactly what this situation requires.  I'm not going to chase after him to try and help him, I'm not going to wire him money, I'm not going to post ads on Craigslist for him, I'm not going to help him until he's ready for help and is at that level of desperation where you'll take help in any way you can get it and you're grateful for it, not help with conditions attached or stipulations or certain standards of what kind of assistance you think you should get.  So for now, he can figure it out for himself.  I'm re-shifting the focus back on to myself and I'll hear from him when I hear from him.

New Month and New Resolve

Well November is here.  With each new month is another opportunity for me to get my finances back on track.  I've done the research and put the time into it and have already formulated a budget for my finances that'll result in me being able to accumulate money back into my savings account each month, IF I stick to the budget.  But being the impulsive person I am and the way I get what my mom calls "shiny thing syndrome" whenever I'm at a store, I haven't followed the laid out budget at all for the past few months, and I'm constantly in the negative each month as I'm, as Suze Orman would put it, "living beyond my means."  The thought of being a broke hobo with no money and no home and not enough resources scares the shit out of me because I've already been there, done that (back in 2013) and let me tell you:  I will NEVER be in that type of situation again.  It is one of my biggest fears and biggest motivating factors in wanting to get back on track financially so that I'm saving money each month, not blowing through it just because I see something in Walmart, Target, or Walgreen's that I think I absolutely "need."
In other news, Palm Springs guy and I finally made contact with each other, and he's in very bad shape and is pretty much in a corner with his back against a wall and no options...and he's asked me for help.  I'm torn and don't know what to do.  On the one hand, I want to stick to my boundaries and I keep replaying our big fight in my mind back in Palm Springs when I finally got out of the car and basically told him to go fuck himself and walked away and then had to spend $200 of my savings account money to get myself back to Las Vegas.  On the other, I hear the pain and fear and desperation in his voice and know that there's pretty much nobody left that'll help him and I know what it's like to be in that kind of situation so that stirs up feelings of empathy and compassion in me and makes me want to help.  So I'm conflicted between sticking firm to my boundary of tough love and detaching with love and letting him figure it out for himself as these are the consequences of his actions and behaviors and choices OR spending more of my time and energy and efforts to help save him from even more catastrophe.  Not sure what to do.  How much is too much and when do you let go and let them figure it out for themselves?

The Convention with a side of mixed messages

So the big NA convention was this weekend.  My mom was kind enough to pay the registration fee for me, so I got to go for free (even though nobody checked me in with my confirmation email when I got there, so I could've gone for free anyway lol).  I fully intended to attend on Friday night, especially since I had signed up for a commitment to help chair one of the marathon meetings for my friend A_____.  Unfortunately, God had other plans in store for me that evening which I don't want to go into detail on here, but long story short, I ended up having to race back home and deal with some drama.  By the time everything was said and done and taken care of, I didn't want to take the bus all the way back down to the Orleans so I just stayed home.
Saturday, however, I planned appropriately because I wanted to be sure I was there for the Roll Call and Clean Time Countdown and the main speaker.  So, instead of going to the Orleans earlier on in the day and spending hours there and getting sick of it and leaving before the main speaker, I decided to wait until evening to head down there and got there right at around 6:30, which was perfect because all the events that I wanted to be there for started at 7.  The roll call and clean time countdown were both equally awesome, mainly the countdown because the energy of love and support and fellowship was practically palpable in the room as they neared closer and closer down to 1 day clean.  As those who had less then 1 month clean all stood up and the entire crowd erupted into applause, it took me a moment to soak in what I was seeing:  the passion and love and support of a mass group of people, all with the same desire - to help others who suffer from addiction and show them a solution to what's wrong with us, and that we're not alone.  So it was a pretty emotional moment and at that moment I was also very proud to be a member of this program.  I may not work it perfectly, but I fucking work what I can dammit and I'm going to keep coming back even if it takes a millions times, but I will not give up.
Other than that, the next morsel of information is about He Who Shall Not Be Named that I made an emergency escape from in Palm Springs.  I got a text last night saying the following:  "I miss you."   .........WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That infuriates me.  How one day he went from saying some of the most offensive and bigotry-rooted comments regarding myself and all gay people in general and then having to jump out of the car and get away from him ASAP, then to the next day sending me texts saying he misses me.  I don't get it.  The whole thing really confuses me and I can't even wrap my head around it.  I've also been trying to determine where he is exactly (if he's back in Vegas or still out on the road trying to get his hustle on).  He needs to come pick up his belongings and soon because I am not a storage unit and I will donate it all to the Las Vegas Rescue Mission or something.  So hopefully I hear from him soon.

I'm allergic to bull-shit

So guess who's alive and still in California still trying to make a buck and come up?  Yep.  Him.  And now, he's texting and messaging me with sob stories of how a certain somebody else (yet another retarded psychopath that shall remain nameless for anonymity purposes) cost him this or that much money because he did this or that.  Really motherfucker?  How about the almost $300 you cost me to A- support helping us survive on the trip and B- just for me to escape for your lunatic ass and get the fuck home.  And now he's trying to garner sympathy or pity from me?  HA.  Good luck.
Other than that, the last few days have been peaceful *knock on wood.*  The big NA convention is this weekend and it kicks off today.  My friend A_____ is picking me up at 1:30 and we're due at the Orleans by 2, and then I'm chairing one of the meetings of the marathon meetings at 3 pm.  I know I need to push myself and stay there as long as I can today to soak in as much recovery and messages of hope and healing that I can, but I'm sure by 6 or 7 I'll be ready to bounce and head home.  Plus there's the rest of the weekend to go so it's not like I have to get "recovered" up completely all in one day.  On the side, I have to make sure I monitor my extracurricular activities as well so I'm presentable at the convention and lucid and coherent.  So no misbehaving for me this weekend.

Not that much at least....  ;-]

10/29/2015

Nothing momentous to report at this point.  Been a quiet last couple of days since I separated myself from a certain somebody and left them in Palm Springs.  Things have a way of timing too (which, to me, is the Universe/God in action) because things settled down just in time for the big NA convention this weekend, which, btw, I have a commitment for and am chairing one of the meetings on Saturday I believe.  I woke up this morning, however, with a voicemail waiting for me from him.  It was entirely unintelligible and I couldn't make out a word he was saying as he was slurring his words and was mainly speaking jibberish, which means he's in pretty bad shape as I know that he's at Eisenhower hospital out in Rancho Mirage, CA (how he got there and why he's there, I have no fucking clue since he was supposed to be heading back to Vegas).  Looks like I jumped ship just in time.  If you want to go on a suicide run and run your life into the ground, that's fine, that's your choice, but you will not drag me down and take me out with you.  I'm not without compassion and empathy as I've been where he's been and have felt exactly as he's feeling now, but he needs to see that there's a way out and that there are other solutions than just the ones he's coming up with in his own head, which only involve self-destruction and death and wreckage and self-sabotage and isolation and desperation.  I just hope he sees some of those solutions or becomes a little open-minded enough to consider trying something different before he dies in that hospital, because from what I know of his current health status, his future is looking very bleak at this point in time and while I'm still firm on my boundaries that I've set and that I needed to separate myself from him, I'm not without empathy and compassion and sympathy for his plight so I took his number off block and sent him a text message.  We'll see what he says and what the prognosis is at the hospital, but other than that there's nothing I can do for him and no help I can (or should) offer him, as this is one of those times where you need to figure out a solution for yourself because in it is a valuable lesson that you clearly need to learn.  I spent 2 years being homeless, have had an intervention, and have been to rehab twice, and I can firmly tell you that each of those experiences is valued and treasured in my mind because they taught me things and life lessons and principles that are absolutely essential to who I am today and what I know today about myself, the truth, and reality.  So maybe this is just his process of growth and I need to step back and let it run its course, regardless of how much pain and suffering he has to endure, because sometimes, after all that pain and suffering, you emerge out the other side a newer, updated, upgraded, better version of yourself.  I just hope he doesn't die in the process.

Me or You?

Well I finally made contact with T___.  Told him I'm home.  Apparently he's been worried sick about me and hasn't left Palm Springs because he has been trying to find me first.  And he's now apologizing left and right.  I feel bad that he's going to come back to Vegas only to find out that he has nowhere to live again because last night I packed up all his belongings and got everything ready for him to pick up when he's able to come by and get them.  I have to remind myself that I didn't turn on him or abandon him; he pushed ME away and manifested exactly what he bitches about happening to him all the time.  I did the best I could to be his friend and to support him.  But he's too proud, egotistical, self-centered, angry, and immature to know how to have a healthy relationship with anybody.  Not my problem.  When it comes down to it, the choice between you and me, I choose me.

Valuable Lesson After a Total Nightmare

The last 3 days have been an absolute nightmare.  That new obsession I referred to in my last blog post turned out to be a total suicidal thug psychopath that was a direct threat to my safety and, most likely, my life.  Long story short, I found myself alone, stranded, in Palm Springs, CA and left to fend for myself.  But, being the person I am, survival mode kicked in and to sum it all up, I made it from Palm Springs back to Vegas overnight completely on my own through my own resources and survival skills and drive to find a solution instead of being stuck in being a victim and being stuck in the problem.  I've learned a valuable lesson through this whole experience, and it is NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY.....jk....But seriously it is to not really trust anyone, only the select few people you find through life that are true, quality individuals that prove they are different from the rest, that they are like-minded as you as far as morals and quality of character and mindset.  I'm just grateful to be alive and home and in one piece.

New Obsession

So of course, just after I reaffirm that my focus needs to be on recovery right now, and that everything else needs to fall down the ladder of priorities and make going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, and soaking in the NA program as my number 1 goal...of course, God sends me somebody new that pops up in my life and is dropped in my lap.  And of course, because I'm codependent and always a sucker for looking for someone to save, I invite this person into my life.  It's been an interesting week, but I've gained a new friend and from what I've seen so far he's pretty awesome.  I just have to keep myself in check and not project.  But if some of you have been wondering why I've been unavailable all week or busy, it's because of this new person.  So we shall see.

Surrender -- October 23

"By surrendering control, we gain a far greater power."
                                                Basic Text, page 44

When we were using, we did everything we could to run things our way.  We used every scheme imaginable to bring our world under control.  When we got what we wanted, we felt powerful, invincible; when we didn't, we felt vulnerable, defeated.  But that didn't stop us -- it only led to more efforts to control and manipulate our lives into a manageable state.
Scheming was our way of denying our powerlessness.  As long as we could distract ourselves with our plans, we could put off accepting that we were out of control.  Only gradually did we realize that our lives had become unmanageable and that all the conning and manipulating in the world was not going to put our lives back in order.
When we admit our powerlessness, we stop trying to control and manage our way to a better life --  we surrender.  Lacking sufficient power of our own, we seek a Power greater than ourselves; needing support and guidance, we ask that Power to care for our will and our lives.  We ask others in recovery to share their experience with living the NA program instead of trying to program our own lives.  The power and direction we seek is all around us; we need only turn away from self to find it.

Just for Today:  I will not try to scheme and manipulate my way to a manageable life.  Through the NA program, I will surrender myself to my Higher Power's care.

Look who's talking -- October 22

"Our disease is so cunning that it can get us into impossible situations."
                                          Basic text, page. 83

Some of us say, "My disease is talking to me."  Other say, "My head won't turn off."  Still o0thers refer to "the committee in my mind" or "the monkey on my back."  Let's face it.  We suffer from an iucurable malady that continues to affect us, even in recovery.  Our disease gives us warped information about what's going on in our lives. It tells us not to look at ourselves because what we'll see is too scary.  Sometimes it tells us we're not responsible for ourselves and our actions; other times, it tells us that everything wrong with the world is our fault.  Our disease tricks us into trusting it.
The NA program provides us with many voices that counter our addiction, voices we can trust.  We can call our sponsor for a reality check.  We can listen to the voice of an addict trying to get clean.  The ultimate solution is to work the steps and draw on the strength of a Higher Power.  That will get us through those times when "our disease is talking."

Just for today:  I will ignore the "voice" of my addiction.  I will listen to the voice of my program and a Power greater than myself.

Financial Responsibility -- October 21

This was today's reading from the Language of Letting Go.  Considering what's been going on in my life over the past week with the chaos of the short-lived job search and all the fear I'm running on regarding money, this came at just the right time:

"When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess stone cold sober, and I really had a mess," said one woman.
"I wasn't able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make amends.  I had past due bills from years before.  I needed to try to stay current with my new bills.  I had a lot more money before I sobered up.  But in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up.  I restored my credit.  I had a checking account.  I had a little money in the bank.
"Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency -- the hard way.  I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had made with my financial affairs.  My husband and I opened a checking account together, and he overdrafted checks until I lost the right to have a checking account.  I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he drove that into the ground.
"We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat -- and we borrowed a lot from my parents," she said.  "By the time I began my recovery from codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess.  I was furious, but it didn't matter who did what.  I had some serious financial matters to face if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.
"Slowly -- very slowly -- I began to work out my mess.  It seemed impossible!  I didn't even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and hopeless.  But I did.  And each day I did the best I could to be responsible for myself.
"One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially form my husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced.  The other decision I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my life.
"It was difficult.  We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to produce income had dramatically decreased.  I was grieving; my self-esteem was at an all-time low; my energy was low.  I did not know how I would ever untangle this nightmare.  But it did happen.  Slowly, gradually, with the help of a Higher Power, manageability crept in and replaced chaos.
"I began by not spending more than I earned.  I paid back some creditors, a little at a time.  I let go of what I couldn't do, and focused on what I could do.
"Now, eight years have passed.  I am debt free, which I never imagined possible.  I am living comfortably, with money in the bank.  My credit has been restored, again.  And I intend to keep it that way.
"I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for love or for alcoholism.  With the help of God and the Twelve Steps, I won't have to."
One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery -- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially.  It may get worse before it gets better -- because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it.  But once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we are on our way.

God, help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved tomorrow, even if I don't see the solution.  If I have allowed the problems of others to hurt my financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries around money -- and what I am willing to lose.  Help me understand that I do not have to allow anyone else's financial irresponsibility, addiction, disease, or problem to hurt me financially.  Help me go on with my life in spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.

Show time

Good morning faithful viewers.  So yesterday I expressed my concerns regarding my level of preparedness for an interview (any interview for that matter) and that I didn't feel as though I was properly equipped and outfitted for success and making a good first impression.  Despite the owner of this real estate company's insistence, I did, eventually, get her to agree to push the interview back from yesterday until today, later this morning.  Given that extra time, I was able to get in touch with my mom (who had just gotten back into town from a week long trip to New York) and she was able to take me shopping to go get the missing elements of my desired "successful interview" outfit.  It also gave me time to talk to her about the current situation, and what I need to keep in mind in moving forward with finding a job and what that would mean to my current disability benefits as well as my medical benefits/insurance coverage.  Turns out that there's a lot of research and information I need to review first before I make any decision if a job IS offered to me.  While I may be only pulling in a whimpy, very low dollar amount of money every month with disability benefits, it also means that I'm qualified for medicare coverage that has basically been paying for all my medical expenses, 100% (co-pays for doctor's visits, prescriptions, etc.).  So to get a job is a toss up with some of the benefits as well as some of the things that I would be giving up and I need to closely examine what re-joining the work force would mean, and, depending, on the consequences, decide if I even should continue in the hunt for a job.
While this job hunt is going on, I had a friend remind me yesterday that I need to not let my focus shift from recovery because if and when I do re-join the work force, life is going to come at me fast and hard, and that without recovery, I won't be able to handle any of it because I'm still too new (again).  And I realized she had a point, because without my recovery, I'm a nutcase and I don't process/cope with life on life's terms very well and end up reacting and behaving in ways that are very unbecoming of someone who is trying to better themselves or trying to re-establish a, relatively, normal, productive life and has a job just like everybody else.  So after my interview this morning< I'm going to make my way to the 3M Club for a meeting at 2:30 and make sure I continue to make it to at least one meeting a day, regardless of whatever else is going on (which is what my sponsor had previously instructed me to do for the next 30 days anyway).
That whole concept does have me somewhat concerned as I hadn't given it much, or enough, thought as to how I would go about working full time AND managing to maintain a steady program of recovery.  If, for example, I were to receive an offer for the job I'm interviewing for today, I would be working Monday through Friday 8:30am to 5:30pm, then would need to find time for a meeting sometime after work.  That is a LONG day.  Am I ready/prepared to do that?  I don't know.  How badly do I want this? (both recovery and the job).  Because without my recovery and a program, everything else is in jeopardy and will go away, but not having a job and something to do with all my time and energy is driving me crazy and affecting my self-esteem because I've lately realized that I'm plagued by feelings of lacking any sense of direction or purpose; that I'm just kind of drifting through the currents of life as they come, not really going any which way or the other, and that I'm just kind of stagnating.  I don't know...these are all the questions and things to think about that came to surface yesterday as my mom and I talked, so I need to really do some digging for some answers about the repercussions of becoming somebody's employee again; answers to what affect it will have on my current status within the realm of disability and medical coverage, and what effect having a job will have on my recovery and if I'm prepared to still apply myself 100% to recovery if I WERE to, somehow, manage to get hired by somebody.
And on one final note:  of all fucking days for this to happen, of all goddamn times, TODAY has to be the day where I woke up and I couldn't open my right eye, because it was sealed shut with gunk, because I have motherfucking PINK EYE.  And I have that interview today, and another one tomorrow.  Awesome first impression right?

Detaching with Love -- October 20

Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of.  We react.  They react.  Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.
When do we detach?  When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame.  When we get hooked into a power play -- an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do.  When the way we're reacting  isn't helping the other person or solving the problem.  When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
Often it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.
The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help.  The next step is getting peaceful -- getting centered and restoring our balance.
Take a walk.  Leave the room.  Go to a meeting.  Take a long, hot bath.  Call a friend.  Call on God.  Breathe deeply.  Find peace.  From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near. 

Slow your roll dude

So in my last entry, I informed all you viewers out there that, by some miraculous blessing from above, I received a response back about my resume and cover letter email I had sent to a local real estate company looking for a property manager's assistant.  After what was apparently a successful phone interview in which I said everything the realtor needed to hear, she asked if I could come in today for a trial shift and work 8:30 am to 5:30 pm and see how I fit in the position.  Without a second thought or hesitation I immediately said yes.  As I processed this last night, and then this morning after waking up, however, I realized that I definitely made quite the folly.
It's not that I don't want the position.  I actually really do want it and think that I'd be a perfect fit for what they're looking for.  The problem is, I'm just not prepared to show up for a first day at a new job and be fully prepared, equipped, and dressed appropriately and ready to knock their fucking socks off;  it is just too soon to just jump right in and expect to make a good first impression.  For starters (as an example), I don't even have any slacks/dress pants that are work appropriate.  All I have are jeans, and she said the office dress code attire is business casual, and I am not about to walk into my first day at a new job wearing jeans thinking that I'll be taken seriously and look professional for my first impression (and first impressions are EVERYTHING).  I don't even have a black/leather belt to wear with said pants, and I don't have a work acceptable day-bag/messenger bag, all I have are backpacks because I'm usually out in sandals in shorts on the bus with my back pack lookin' like a college student every day.  So basically:  I'm not ready to show up at a new job fully prepared and know that I'm going to exceed expectations.  And if I'm not fully prepared and don't have my bases covered and am not ready to wow them immediately upon meeting me and seeing what I'm capable of and what I can bring to their office, then I won't go until I AM ready, because I want to show them that I would be taking this job seriously, and that I am there to wow them, not disappoint them by showing up under-dressed, ill-equipped, under-prepared, and just sloppy.  So hopefully I can push it back one more day and use today as my "prep" day to get all my affairs in order and hopefully the boss lady (Coco is her name) is willing to reschedule for tomorrow.  I really REALLY want this position.  I hope it's in the cards for me.

Our Good Points -- October 19

What's a codependent?  The answer's easy.  They're some of the most loving, caring people I know.
                                                                                 -Beyond Codependency

We don't need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives.  Focusing only on what's wrong is a core issue to our codependency.
Honestly, fearlessly, ask:  "What's right with me?  What are my good points?"
"Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?"  We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.
"Is there something I do particularly well?"  Do I have a strong faith?"  Am I good at being there for others?"  "Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader?"  "Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor?"  "Do I brighten people up?"  "Am I good at comforting others?"  "Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?"  "Do I see the best in people?"
These are character assets.  We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that's okay.  We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality.  Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives.  We all have assets; we need only to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around.  Now, we're learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.

Today, I will focus on what's right about me.  I will give myself some of the caring I've extended to the world.

A Job? Me?

So I recently helped spruce up, update, and re-format a friend's resume in trying to help her prepare for her up-and-coming job hunt.  As I was typing out the information on her resume, I found myself stopping and asking myself "wait a minute....why am I not doing this and putting this much effort into my OWN resume and my own life as well?"  So after completing her resume, I set about updating and touching up mine, getting it presentation ready.  Once that was done, I then spent a large portion of the week combing through job advertisement links and sending out waves and waves of emails with a cover letter and my resume attached.  Just chugging along, no expectations of any response from anybody, not really thinking it would produce any results...And lo and behold, not 20 minutes after sending off an email/resume to one particular job advertisement, I received a call from the owner of the company saying they had just received my email and saw my resume and wondered if I had some time for a phone interview.  I said yes (trying to not sound too excited but trying to sound like I did in fact care in the first place lol).  After about 10 minutes of questions regarding my past history and experience and capabilities, I was then shocked further into stupid when she asked if I could come in tomorrow and work a full day 8:30 to 5:30 on a trial shift and then depending on how the day goes, see about an official job offer from there.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and am still in shock, thinking this is too good to be true.  There's some last minute scrambling together of some missing details I need to bring and have equipped but I fully intend to show up to this office tomorrow, step into the role they need, and knock their fucking socks off and land this position.  I know it's late, but I've been doing some last minute stuff tonight and then gotta wait till morning to do a couple things before actually going into work, but I think we might just be able to make this happen.

Please God.  Please let this be my time for this blessing.

Goodnight.  And amen.

October 18 -- Throwing Out the Rule Book

Many of us feel like we need a rule book, a microscope, and a warranty to get through life.  We feel uncertain, frightened.  We want the security of knowing what's going to happen, and how we shall act.
We don't trust ourselves or life.
We don't trust The Plan.
We want to be in control.
"I've made terrible mistakes about my choices, mistakes that nearly destroyed me.  Life has really shocked me.  How can I trust myself?  How can I trust life, and my instincts after where I've been?"  asked one woman.
It is understandable that we fear being crushed again, considering the way many of us were when we bottomed out on our codependency.  We don't have to be fearful.  We can trust our self, our path, and our instincts.
Yes, we want to avoid making the same mistakes again.  We are not the same people we were yesterday or last year.  We've learned, grown, changed.  We did what we needed to do then.  If we made a mistake, we cannot let that stop us from living and fully experiencing today.
We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences -- even our mistakes -- to get to where we are today.  Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our Higher Power, and this new way of life?  Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?
We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now.  We do not have to punish ourselves with our past.  We don't need a rule book, a microscope, a warranty.  All we really need is a mirror.  We can look into the mirror and say, "I trust you.  No matter what happens, you can take care of yourself.  And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think."

Today, I will stop clinging to painful lessons of the past.  I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me.  I trust that I can and will take care of myself now.  I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don't know what it is.

Semi-Productive

So yesterday wasn't a total waste like Wednesday was (which, in case you haven't read my past few entries, Wednesday was spent sleeping, eating, followed by more sleeping and eating).  After my 10:30 meeting at Solutions I went over to a friend's place where we got to talking and ended up hanging out for the rest of the afternoon.  We split off after a while though because I wanted to go clean up my apartment a bit and clean myself up as well...aka...MANGROOMING.  My beard was in desperate need of a trim and I needed to re-shave my head badly (you could tell the chrome dome look was starting to fill in).  Once all that was tended to and all target hairs had been trimmed, clipped, buzzed, and pruned and I was feeling super fresh, I went back over to my friend's place and we hung out for the rest of the afternoon/evening.  I didn't necessarily move mountains or achieve world peace, but I did some self-care stuff by all the trimming and I got my ass off the couch and back out into the world by going to socialize instead of isolating in my apartment all day and sleeping the afternoon away and wasting yet another day.  And I've come to realize that I hate that feeling.  It may feel good in the middle of it when I'm nice and comfortable on the couch or in my bed, but afterwards, when I look at the time and realize I just spent X hours sleeping and accomplishing nothing with my day:  that's the feeling I hate.  So I'm trying to continue the trend today.  I'm going to stay open-minded for anything that comes up that strikes me as interesting that I can delve into and put some time of my day into, but I'm also sort of mentally re-committing myself to being in recovery.
For the past week I've just been kind of going through the motions on total auto-pilot:  going to a meeting, reading an opening reading if assigned, sitting quietly for an hour, listening to others share, and not opening my own mouth at all (partly because I feel like I have nothing valuable to share.  People are coming to these meetings to learn how to get and stay clean, and I have displayed that I have difficulty in that area, so I've been choosing to just shut up and not talk since I have nothing of value to say).  As a result, I've kinda just been drifting through my recovery this past week and drifting through the meetings, not really letting any message stick to me or really letting anything sink in and internalize anything.  I've just kinda felt like a prop dummy there in the chair for an hour and then I promptly get up and leave as soon as it's over.  And I know recovery doesn't work and the program doesn't produce results unless you work at it and work for it and put work into it, so this drifting and gliding through on auto-pilot bullshit with nothing really touching me or reaching my heart and mind has gotta stop, like TODAY.  I may not necessarily share today and spill my guts out onto the floor and vomit all over the meeting and share a big mess, but I am consciously making the mental shift to being more open-minded, willing, and active in my recovery.  Because I feel like right now I'm in the danger zone of the 2 biggest dangers that the Basic Text says that there are to addicts:  apathy and procrastination.  I'm not necessarily procrastinating on any particular thing because all step work has been put on hold per instructions from my sponsor until I get another 30 days under my belt, but the apathy part I can definitely relate to because all week I've just kinda been drifting in and out of the meetings with an attitude like "meh."  And a "meh" attitude isn't going to keep me clean.  It may not necessarily for sure get my loaded, but it most certainly will not be enough to keep me clean.  So time to wake the fuck up, jump back in, and participate.  This side line spectator bullshit ends today.

Funk

Made it through another day yesterday.  Mostly because I slept the entire day away.  After getting back from the 10:30 meeting I slept until around 7pm, got up, made something to eat, and was back in bed asleep by 9:30.  I know this funk I'm in is associated with coming down and the detox stage, but it still sucks and I'm trying to make an effort to get moving and do something with myself throughout the day, instead of just planting myself in the living room and becoming a permanent fixture on the couch.  So I've straightened up the living room, and am about to do some grooming because my beard is getting a little out of control and I need to re-shave my head.  I know I should also hit another meeting today, even though I already went to one this morning, but this weather has me totally anti-motivated to leave the apartment and it's all cloudy and gloomy outside.  I kind of just want to curl back up on the couch and read or watch a movie.  We'll see how the day progresses.

But first things first:  time to trim up this beard and my head.

Day 3 - can't get enough sleep

Made it through another day yesterday.  I went to a meeting at 10:30 then spent the rest of the afternoon reading.  At 4:30 I was supposed to leave to go to another meeting that previously was my home group at 5:30.  But I thought about it, checked in with myself to see how I felt about even going, and I decided not to go, as that was the meeting that generated some drama recently regarding gossip, cliques, the "cool" girls and their rejection of others not deemed cool enough or recovered enough (ie. me).  So I thought "why the fuck am I gonna go sit in a room for an hour surrounded by a bunch of judgmental bitches, not feel safe and accepted in a recovery environment, and also not feel comfortable or safe enough to share if I need to share?'  So I decided to not subject myself to that and ended up taking a nap instead.  I ended sleeping a full 9 hours last night too and I'm still tired now, which is to be expected in the first few days after getting clean off of my drug of choice, because all I want to do is eat, sleep, eat some more, and then sleep some more.
I already went to one meeting today (the 10:30 again), but am planning on checking out a new meeting tonight at 7 at The Rooms called Language of the Heart.  According to a friend of mine, this meeting is off the fucking hook and it's fucking packed every week and every week she's gone it has packed a powerful punch.  So I'm excited to check out a new meeting.  Don't get me wrong, my usual 6:30 meeting at the VA building on Wednesdays is still good...but it's kind of droll, as are the attendees.  No judgment, just...an observation.
Additionally, I'm still plagued by cravings and thoughts of my drug of choice.  Even knowing full well that it will only make me lonely and miserable, for some fucked up reason, I'm still craving it.  I know this will pass and that these feelings (as are are all feelings) are only temporary.  I just have to sit through them long enough to not act on them and fuck shit up again.  Because, as I've said before, that's what I know how to do best:  fuck shit up.
I know that, for right now, and at least for another week, I'm just going to need to take it easy, rest a lot, eat when I'm hungry, nap/sleep when I'm tired, make it to as many meetings as I can, get talking to my friends and support group again, and don't get spun in between all that.  Like, even shaving/trimming my beard is overwhelming right now.  I need to do some trimming and re-shave my head, but I don't even have the energy or motivation to do that.  In fact, a nap is probably in order here shortly.  I've done the whole meth detox thing before, and this is how it goes.  I can't wait to feel normal again.

Day 2

Made it successfully through day one without getting high, pretty much slept all day.  Which is to be expected from your body coming off meth.  It's dropping out of warp speed (no pun intended) and returning to normal so the crash lasts a couple days and you feel like you can't get enough sleep.  Like last night I slept almost 12 hours straight and I feel like I could go right back to sleep.  But I'm going to a meeting at 10:30, my first since making my big decision to get back on the NA bandwagon, and I'm already embarrassed at having to say that I'm coming back from a relapse.  Like I'm going to get a collective eye roll from everyone in the room and have them all say "...again?  really?"  So not really looking forward to that.  But it'll be a humbling experience I'm sure.
I talked with my sponsor last night and he said he had had the chance to read my last entry, which, if you haven't read it yet, you should go back and read because I disclosed EVERYTHING that's been going with me in the past week or so and shed light on all the secrets I'd been keeping and got honest about somethings that I hadn't told anybody.  And because my sponsor is as amazing as he is, he took it all in stride and didn't reject me / fire me like I thought he was going to.  That man has the patience and forgiveness of a saint because he refuses to give up on me.
Gotta jet, my ride for the 10:30 meeting is here.  More later.  Stay tuned.