From Maria's diary, on a day when [she couldn't work]:
If I were to tell someone about my life today, I could
do it in a way that would make them think me a
brave, happy, independent woman. Rubbish: I am not
even allowed to mention the only word that is more
important than the eleven minutes -- love.
All my life, I thought love as some kind of
voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only
exists when love is present. The person who gives him
or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the
person who loves most wholeheartedly.
And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.
That is why, regardless of what I might experience,
do or learn, nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes
quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself -- in
the form of a man who understands me and does not
make me suffer.
But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm
anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own
feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we
feel.
It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in
love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one
loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom: having the
most important thing in the world without owning it.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Clarity
When we were in the midst of an experience, it is easy to forget that there is a Plan. Sometimes, all we can see is today.
If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life -- especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelleted by events that make us feel, think, and question, we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us -- even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong. Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow more strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking.
If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life -- especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelleted by events that make us feel, think, and question, we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us -- even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong. Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow more strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Nostalgia
"In my life I have found nostalgia to be a very dangerous thing. Unlike hindsight, which shows you your folly in a painful, morning-after clarity, nostalgia is a pretty store window into the past, smeared with Vaseline, all dreamy-looking. If hindsight is 20/20, then nostalgia is a look back through rose-colored glasses. Rose colored glasses that filter out all those pesky rays of truth, showing you happy times, usually much happier than they actually were, that are gone forever. Sure, you'll be happy again in the future; you may even be happy in the present, but nostalgia takes you by the hand, leads you into the past, and shows you a happiness you'll never quite have again -- because you never really had it in the first place. To most people nostalgia is sweet. To me it is bitter and masochistic, but most of all, completely useless."
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Being is Enough
We are not always clear about what we are experiencing or why.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline -- it's difficult to have perspective.
That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose shall reveal itself -- in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense -- later.
Today, I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline -- it's difficult to have perspective.
That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose shall reveal itself -- in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense -- later.
Today, I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Oops!
Mistakes! We all know how it feels to make them. Many of us feel that our entire lives have been a mistake. We often regard our mistakes with shame or guilt -- at the very least, with frustration and impatience. We tend to see mistakes as evidence that we are still sick, crazy, stupid, or too damaged to recover.
In truth, mistakes are a very vital and important part of being human. For particularly stubborn people (such as ourselves) mistakes are often our best teachers. There is no shame in making mistakes. In fact, making new mistakes often shows our willingness to take risks and grow.
It's helpful, though, if we learn from our mistakes; repeating the same ones may be a sign that we're stuck. And expecting different results from the same old mistakes -- well, that's what we call "insanity." It just doesn't work.
Just For Today: Mistakes aren't tragedies. But please, help me learn from them.
In truth, mistakes are a very vital and important part of being human. For particularly stubborn people (such as ourselves) mistakes are often our best teachers. There is no shame in making mistakes. In fact, making new mistakes often shows our willingness to take risks and grow.
It's helpful, though, if we learn from our mistakes; repeating the same ones may be a sign that we're stuck. And expecting different results from the same old mistakes -- well, that's what we call "insanity." It just doesn't work.
Just For Today: Mistakes aren't tragedies. But please, help me learn from them.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Property Lines
A helpful tool of our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tack behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tack behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Intimacy
We can let ourselves be close to people.
Many of us have deeply ingrained patterns for sabotaging relationships. Some of us may instinctively terminate a relationship once it moves to a certain level of closeness and intimacy.
When we start to feel close to someone, we may zero in on one of the person's character defects, then make it so big it's all we can see. We may withdraw, or push the person away to create distance. We may start criticizing the other person, a behavior sure to create distance.
We may start trying to control the person, a behavior that prevents intimacy.
We may tell ourselves we don't want or need another person, or smother the person with our needs.
Sometimes, we defeat ourselves by trying to be close to people who aren't available for intimacy -- people with active addictions, or people who don't choose to be close to us. Sometimes, we choose people with particular faults so that when it comes time to be close, we have an escape hatch.
We're afraid, and we fear losing ourselves. We're afraid that closeness means we won't be able to own our power to take care of ourselves.
In recovery, we're learning that it's okay to let ourselves to close to people. We're choosing to relate to safe, healthy people, so closeness is a possibility. Closeness doesn't mean we have to lose ourselves, or our life. As one man said, we're learning that we can own our power with people, even when we're close, even when the other person has something we need.
Today, I will be available for closeness and intimacy with people, when that's appropriate. Whenever possible, I will let myself be who I am, let others be who they are, and enjoy the bond and good feelings between us.
Many of us have deeply ingrained patterns for sabotaging relationships. Some of us may instinctively terminate a relationship once it moves to a certain level of closeness and intimacy.
When we start to feel close to someone, we may zero in on one of the person's character defects, then make it so big it's all we can see. We may withdraw, or push the person away to create distance. We may start criticizing the other person, a behavior sure to create distance.
We may start trying to control the person, a behavior that prevents intimacy.
We may tell ourselves we don't want or need another person, or smother the person with our needs.
Sometimes, we defeat ourselves by trying to be close to people who aren't available for intimacy -- people with active addictions, or people who don't choose to be close to us. Sometimes, we choose people with particular faults so that when it comes time to be close, we have an escape hatch.
We're afraid, and we fear losing ourselves. We're afraid that closeness means we won't be able to own our power to take care of ourselves.
In recovery, we're learning that it's okay to let ourselves to close to people. We're choosing to relate to safe, healthy people, so closeness is a possibility. Closeness doesn't mean we have to lose ourselves, or our life. As one man said, we're learning that we can own our power with people, even when we're close, even when the other person has something we need.
Today, I will be available for closeness and intimacy with people, when that's appropriate. Whenever possible, I will let myself be who I am, let others be who they are, and enjoy the bond and good feelings between us.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
It Comes in Waves
I've grown accustomed to your absence at this point, but you never leave my thoughts, not completely; you're always in the back of my mind at the least.
I've come into acceptance of me ever seeing you again are slim, and the ache from that new fact of my reality fluctuates back and forth: sometimes it's a dull, barely detectable soreness.
But other times, like tonight, I'm completely consumed by the fact that I miss you so much that there is no possible way to even come close to describing the extent to which I feel like I've lost a vital limb that I need to live. I don't know where you are, I don't know what you're doing or if you're okay or if you're happy....all I know is I wish you were here.
At the very least, I wish for your happiness and triumph over whatever life has thrown at you, as I have every confidence that there really isn't anything life can throw at you that you would let beat you. I know you, and you don't give up fighting, ever.
So at the very least: wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whoever you're with: I hope you are okay, and I hope you are happy and I hope that you are safe. I want nothing but the best for you.
Goodnight
I've come into acceptance of me ever seeing you again are slim, and the ache from that new fact of my reality fluctuates back and forth: sometimes it's a dull, barely detectable soreness.
But other times, like tonight, I'm completely consumed by the fact that I miss you so much that there is no possible way to even come close to describing the extent to which I feel like I've lost a vital limb that I need to live. I don't know where you are, I don't know what you're doing or if you're okay or if you're happy....all I know is I wish you were here.
At the very least, I wish for your happiness and triumph over whatever life has thrown at you, as I have every confidence that there really isn't anything life can throw at you that you would let beat you. I know you, and you don't give up fighting, ever.
So at the very least: wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whoever you're with: I hope you are okay, and I hope you are happy and I hope that you are safe. I want nothing but the best for you.
Goodnight
Vision Trouble
Yesterday I met with the man I chose to be my new sponsor in the wake of Bruce's death. While we sat outside Starbucks we went over a brief recap of the tornado that's been my life the last few months. We also went over my understanding of the first 2 steps as well as what type of program I'm working in the sense of what actions I take and what behaviors I'm engaging in every day.
After reviewing my understanding of acceptance, powerlessness, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness to do the next right thing, having faith, trust, and the courage it takes to look at oneself and the courage to face the emotions and feelings that comes along with the process, he said "you're doin' a good job man, you're doing a lot more than most do and it sounds like you really get it."
At that point I just went blank and asked in complete confusion "Really?" What's more, is lately I've been having more and more people saying that they were proud of me, which leaves me in utter disbelief. Personally, I feel like I'm either not doing enough, or I'm lacking in certain areas, or I'm not as far along in my growth process as everyone is saying I am.
But taking into account all this recent feedback, I'm starting to wonder if maybe what I see isn't the same as what everyone else is seeing and that maybe the lense at which I'm looking at myself through is smudged and tainted with all the self-hate, self-loathing, lack of any self-worth issues that I struggle with.
Maybe I am doing a lot better than I think I am.
Maybe I don't suck at life as much as I think I do.
I'm not quite sure what to think. But what I do know is I need to rely on the feedback I get from those I trust around me and not form my opinions of reality based solely on my thinking and viewpoint, because when I'm relying solely on myself and my self-will and the skewed-reality thoughts that come out of my head, I can form opinions and viewpoints of myself that are so off kilter and false that I end up self-sabotaging myself and my growth process completely stops. At least I've learned THAT much: my own thoughts can't be trusted; my perception of reality is not accurate; and I need guidance and support.
After reviewing my understanding of acceptance, powerlessness, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness to do the next right thing, having faith, trust, and the courage it takes to look at oneself and the courage to face the emotions and feelings that comes along with the process, he said "you're doin' a good job man, you're doing a lot more than most do and it sounds like you really get it."
At that point I just went blank and asked in complete confusion "Really?" What's more, is lately I've been having more and more people saying that they were proud of me, which leaves me in utter disbelief. Personally, I feel like I'm either not doing enough, or I'm lacking in certain areas, or I'm not as far along in my growth process as everyone is saying I am.
But taking into account all this recent feedback, I'm starting to wonder if maybe what I see isn't the same as what everyone else is seeing and that maybe the lense at which I'm looking at myself through is smudged and tainted with all the self-hate, self-loathing, lack of any self-worth issues that I struggle with.
Maybe I am doing a lot better than I think I am.
Maybe I don't suck at life as much as I think I do.
I'm not quite sure what to think. But what I do know is I need to rely on the feedback I get from those I trust around me and not form my opinions of reality based solely on my thinking and viewpoint, because when I'm relying solely on myself and my self-will and the skewed-reality thoughts that come out of my head, I can form opinions and viewpoints of myself that are so off kilter and false that I end up self-sabotaging myself and my growth process completely stops. At least I've learned THAT much: my own thoughts can't be trusted; my perception of reality is not accurate; and I need guidance and support.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Becoming Entirely Ready
Becoming entirely ready to have our defects of character removed can be a long process, often taking place over the course of a lifetime. Our state of readiness grows in direct proportion to our awareness of these defects and the destruction they cause.
We may have trouble seeing the devastation our defects are inflicting on our lives and the lives of those around us. If this is the case, we would do well to ask our Higher Power to reveal those flaws which stand in the way of our progress.
As we let go of our shortcomings and find their influence waning, we'll notice that those defects are replaced with quality attributes. Where we were fearful, we find courage. Where we were selfish, we find generosity. Our delusions about ourselves will disappear to be replaced by self-honest and self-acceptance.
Yes, becoming entirely ready means we will change. Each new level of readiness brings new gifts. Our basic nature changes, and we soon find our readiness is no longer sparked only by pain but by a desire to grow spiritually.
Just for Today: I will increase my state of readiness by becoming more aware of my shortcomings.
We may have trouble seeing the devastation our defects are inflicting on our lives and the lives of those around us. If this is the case, we would do well to ask our Higher Power to reveal those flaws which stand in the way of our progress.
As we let go of our shortcomings and find their influence waning, we'll notice that those defects are replaced with quality attributes. Where we were fearful, we find courage. Where we were selfish, we find generosity. Our delusions about ourselves will disappear to be replaced by self-honest and self-acceptance.
Yes, becoming entirely ready means we will change. Each new level of readiness brings new gifts. Our basic nature changes, and we soon find our readiness is no longer sparked only by pain but by a desire to grow spiritually.
Just for Today: I will increase my state of readiness by becoming more aware of my shortcomings.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
If We See Only Ourselves.....
If we see only ourselves, it's a very lonely world.
We can learn the difference between taking care of ourselves positively and being so negatively self-centered that we are forced into solitary confinement, where we dry up for lack of genuine interchange.
We should know who we are. But we should also know who our neighbor is, and our friend, sister, boss, or child. To know other people and see beneath the exterior they present, we need to be comfortable enough with ourselves so we can relax and look and listen. We also need to be humble enough to realize we can learn from someone else and benefit from the gifts she or he brings to the relationship.
With recovery comes new empathy and sensitivity. As self-will loosens its grip, we are open to the intuitive knowledge that enhances our interactions with those around us. Since our vision is less clouded by the problems of addiction, we can see others more clearly and understand them better. Recovery offers us a way out of loneliness into companionship and community.
I will use my empathy to deepen my understanding of those who cross my path today.
We can learn the difference between taking care of ourselves positively and being so negatively self-centered that we are forced into solitary confinement, where we dry up for lack of genuine interchange.
We should know who we are. But we should also know who our neighbor is, and our friend, sister, boss, or child. To know other people and see beneath the exterior they present, we need to be comfortable enough with ourselves so we can relax and look and listen. We also need to be humble enough to realize we can learn from someone else and benefit from the gifts she or he brings to the relationship.
With recovery comes new empathy and sensitivity. As self-will loosens its grip, we are open to the intuitive knowledge that enhances our interactions with those around us. Since our vision is less clouded by the problems of addiction, we can see others more clearly and understand them better. Recovery offers us a way out of loneliness into companionship and community.
I will use my empathy to deepen my understanding of those who cross my path today.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Letting Go of Fear
Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful.
We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
Today, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful.
We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
Today, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
CONTROL
Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with sheer and forceful application of mental energy.
What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl? It'll keep right on whirling. It'll stay right on track with no help from us. And we'll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place in it.
Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we've been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, events, and diseases... control over us.
Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.
I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. What I received for my efforts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in external events.
In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better -- a life that is manageable.
Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.
What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl? It'll keep right on whirling. It'll stay right on track with no help from us. And we'll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place in it.
Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we've been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, events, and diseases... control over us.
Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.
I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. What I received for my efforts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in external events.
In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better -- a life that is manageable.
Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Faith Without Works is Dead
They say "faith without works is dead." In other words, if you say or declare or commit yourself to something, and then don't follow through with the appropriate matching actions and behaviors, then your words and the commitment you made previously is meaningless, without merit, and might as well have not been said at all.
Today I realized I've entered a stage in my life that has me acutely aware that changes need to be made in several areas of my life. And that the only one that is capable of implementing and making these changes is me. Which brings us to back to the quote above. I refuse to allow myself and my life to "die" as a result of not taking action and the initiative to back up things I say or commit to accomplishing. The time for action is now. I can say I'm going to do this, that, and the other thing until I'm blue in the face, but if no action follows those words, I feel I'd be failing myself and my own potential of what I'm capable of achieving.
In other words...lights, camera...ACTION
Today I realized I've entered a stage in my life that has me acutely aware that changes need to be made in several areas of my life. And that the only one that is capable of implementing and making these changes is me. Which brings us to back to the quote above. I refuse to allow myself and my life to "die" as a result of not taking action and the initiative to back up things I say or commit to accomplishing. The time for action is now. I can say I'm going to do this, that, and the other thing until I'm blue in the face, but if no action follows those words, I feel I'd be failing myself and my own potential of what I'm capable of achieving.
In other words...lights, camera...ACTION
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Balance
The goal is balance.
We need balance between work and play. We need balance between giving and receiving. We need balance in thought and feelings. We need balance in caring for our physical and our spiritual self.
A balanced life has harmony between a professional life and a personal life. There may be times when we need to climb mountains at work. There may be times when we put extra energy into our relationships. But the overall picture needs to balance.
Just as a balanced nutritional diet takes into account the realm of our nutritional needs to stay healthy, a balanced life takes into account all our needs: our need for friends, work, love, family, play, private time, recovery time, and spiritual time. If we get out of balance, our inner voice will tell us. We need to listen.
Today, I will examine my life to see if the scales have swung too far in any area, or not far enough in some. I will work toward achieving balance.
We need balance between work and play. We need balance between giving and receiving. We need balance in thought and feelings. We need balance in caring for our physical and our spiritual self.
A balanced life has harmony between a professional life and a personal life. There may be times when we need to climb mountains at work. There may be times when we put extra energy into our relationships. But the overall picture needs to balance.
Just as a balanced nutritional diet takes into account the realm of our nutritional needs to stay healthy, a balanced life takes into account all our needs: our need for friends, work, love, family, play, private time, recovery time, and spiritual time. If we get out of balance, our inner voice will tell us. We need to listen.
Today, I will examine my life to see if the scales have swung too far in any area, or not far enough in some. I will work toward achieving balance.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Initiating Relationships
Often, we can learn much about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted.
As we progress through recovery, we learn we can no longer form relationships solely on the basis of attraction. We learn to be patient, to allow ourselves to take into account important facts, and to process information about that person.
What we are striving for in recovery is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are, not to their potential or to what we hope they are.
The more we work through our family of origin issues, the less we will find ourselves needing to work through them with the people we're attracted to. Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships.
The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of.
The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.
This is a slow process. We need to be patient with ourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to dysfunctional people can linger long and well into recovery. That does not mean we need to allow it to control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learn - no matter how long we've been recovering.
No matter who we find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship, the issue is still about us, and not about the other person. That is the heart, the hope, and the power of recovery.
We can learn to take care of ourselves during the process of initiating and forming relationships. We can learn to go slowly. We can learn to pay attention. We can allow ourselves to make mistakes, even when we know better.
We can stop blaming our relationships on God and begin to take responsibility for them. We can learn to enjoy the healthy relationships and remove ourselves more quickly from the dysfunctional ones.
We can learn to look for what's good for us, instead of what's good for the other person.
Help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it - even though the other person thinks it may be good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Letting Go of the Need to Control
Letting go of our need to control can set others and us free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.
If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?
If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?
If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, and then do it.
Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren't trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set others and myself free.
If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?
If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?
If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, and then do it.
Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren't trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set others and myself free.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Finding Our Own Truth
We must each discover our own truth.
It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us. It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.
We must each discover and stand in our own light.
We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.
We can share information with others. Others can tell us what my predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, our knowledge.
There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.
But we can and will, if we want to.
We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.
Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.
Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available -- appropriate to each situation -- is what will help.
Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you find it -- for yourself.
We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.
Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries -- the ones that are right for us today.
It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us. It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.
We must each discover and stand in our own light.
We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.
We can share information with others. Others can tell us what my predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, our knowledge.
There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.
But we can and will, if we want to.
We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.
Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.
Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available -- appropriate to each situation -- is what will help.
Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you find it -- for yourself.
We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.
Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries -- the ones that are right for us today.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Resentments
Let go of resentments
Resentments are sneaky, tricky little things. They can convince us they're justified. They can dry up our hearts. They can sabotage our happiness. They can sabotage love.
Most of us have been at the receiving end of an injustice at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who's complained of an injustice we've done to him or her. Life can be a breeding ground for resentments, if we let it.
"Yes, but this time I really was wronged," we complain.
Maybe you were. But harboring resentment isn't the solution. If it were, our resentment list would resemble the Los Angeles telephone directory. Deal with your feelings. Learn whatever lesson is at hand. Then let the feelings go.
Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They're a form or revenge. The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.
Take a moment. Search your heart. Have you tricked yourself into harboring resentment? If you have, take another moment and let that resentment go.
Resentments are sneaky, tricky little things. They can convince us they're justified. They can dry up our hearts. They can sabotage our happiness. They can sabotage love.
Most of us have been at the receiving end of an injustice at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who's complained of an injustice we've done to him or her. Life can be a breeding ground for resentments, if we let it.
"Yes, but this time I really was wronged," we complain.
Maybe you were. But harboring resentment isn't the solution. If it were, our resentment list would resemble the Los Angeles telephone directory. Deal with your feelings. Learn whatever lesson is at hand. Then let the feelings go.
Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They're a form or revenge. The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.
Take a moment. Search your heart. Have you tricked yourself into harboring resentment? If you have, take another moment and let that resentment go.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Freedom
Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children. As adults, we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.
Some of us don't recognize that caretaking and not setting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.
Some of us don't understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.
Some of us don't know that we hold the key to our own freedom. That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves. When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk through.
Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.
Some of us don't recognize that caretaking and not setting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.
Some of us don't understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.
Some of us don't know that we hold the key to our own freedom. That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves. When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk through.
Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Communication
Part of owning our power is learning to communicate clearly, directly, and assertively. We don't have to beat around the bush in our conversations to control the reactions of others. Guilt-producing comments only produce guilt. We don't have to fix or take care of people with our words; we can't expect others to take care of us with words either. We can settle for being heard and accepted. And we can respectfully listen to what others have to say.
Hinting at what we need doesn't work. Others can't read our mind, and they're likely to resent our indirectness. The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly. And, we can insist on directness from others. If we need to say no to a particular request, we can. If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.
Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication. If we don't know what we want to say, we can say that too.
We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don't have to take people around the block with our conversations. We don't have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when we're done.
Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.
Hinting at what we need doesn't work. Others can't read our mind, and they're likely to resent our indirectness. The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly. And, we can insist on directness from others. If we need to say no to a particular request, we can. If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.
Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication. If we don't know what we want to say, we can say that too.
We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don't have to take people around the block with our conversations. We don't have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when we're done.
Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Perfectionism
Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows the process of recovery; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Patience
How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience. How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something,or to move forward,and then not have that happen. How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and we're in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings. Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Ge as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
Today, I will let myself have my feelings while I practice patience
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings. Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Ge as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
Today, I will let myself have my feelings while I practice patience
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Negotiating Conflicts
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with
friends, family, loved ones, and at work - problem-solving and conflict
negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Facing Our Dark Side
...we look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events -- buried feelings that may be affecting your life today. We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interfering with the quality of our relationships. These beliefs say I'm not lovable...I'm a burden to those around me...People can't be trusted....I can't be trusted....I don't deserve to be happy and successful....Life isn't worth living. We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning self-defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt -- earned and unearned -- and expose it to the light.
We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul-searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.
Help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.
We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul-searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.
Help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
After-Burn
"How could I do it? How could I say it? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid."
This is a common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're backlash. They're after-burn. Let them burn out.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life -- shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that it wasn't okay to be who we were and resolve problems in relationships. Many of us grew up with the message that what we want and need isn't okay.
Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.
Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. Help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.
This is a common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're backlash. They're after-burn. Let them burn out.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life -- shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that it wasn't okay to be who we were and resolve problems in relationships. Many of us grew up with the message that what we want and need isn't okay.
Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.
Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. Help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Letting Go of Worry
What if we knew for certain that everything we're worried about today will work out fine?
What if...we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem,and its solution?
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if...we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if...we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then? We'd be free to let go and enjoy life?
Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.
What if...we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem,and its solution?
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if...we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if...we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then? We'd be free to let go and enjoy life?
Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Appreciating Ourselves
"We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier."
It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.
We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly -- feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.
We have a right to be here.
We have a right to be ourselves.
We are here. There is a purpose, a reason,and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.
Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us.
It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.
We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be.
That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.
Today, help me own my power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that.
It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.
We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly -- feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.
We have a right to be here.
We have a right to be ourselves.
We are here. There is a purpose, a reason,and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.
Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us.
It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.
We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be.
That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.
Today, help me own my power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Flack From Setting Boundaries
"We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere."
When we own our power to take care of ourselves -- set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern -- we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time,they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you. Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering,they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
When we own our power to take care of ourselves -- set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern -- we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time,they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you. Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering,they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Letting Go of Being a Victim
It's okay to have a good day. Really.
It's okay to be doing okay and to feel like our life is manageable and on track.
Many of us have learned, as part of our survival behaviors, that the way to get the attention and approval we want is to be victims. If life is awful, too difficult, unmanageable, too hard, unfair, then others will accept, like, and approve of us, we think.
We may have learned this from living and associating with people who also learned to survive by being a victim.
We are not victims. We do not need to be victimized. We do not need to be helpless and out of control to get the attention and love we desire. In fact, the kind of love we are seeking cannot be obtained that way.
We can get the love we really want and need by only owning our power. We learn that we can stand on our own two feet, even though it sometimes feels good to lean a little. We learn that the people we are leaning on are not holding us up. They are standing next to us.
We all have bad days -- days when things are not going the way we'd like, days when we have feelings of sadness and fear. But we can deal with our bad days and darker days in ways that reflect self-responsibility rather than victimization.
It's okay to have a good day too. We might not have as much to talk about, but we'll have more to enjoy.
Today, help me let go of my need to be a victim. Help me let go of my belief that to be loved and get attention I need to be a victim. Surround me with people who love me when I own my power. Help me start having good days and enjoying them.
It's okay to be doing okay and to feel like our life is manageable and on track.
Many of us have learned, as part of our survival behaviors, that the way to get the attention and approval we want is to be victims. If life is awful, too difficult, unmanageable, too hard, unfair, then others will accept, like, and approve of us, we think.
We may have learned this from living and associating with people who also learned to survive by being a victim.
We are not victims. We do not need to be victimized. We do not need to be helpless and out of control to get the attention and love we desire. In fact, the kind of love we are seeking cannot be obtained that way.
We can get the love we really want and need by only owning our power. We learn that we can stand on our own two feet, even though it sometimes feels good to lean a little. We learn that the people we are leaning on are not holding us up. They are standing next to us.
We all have bad days -- days when things are not going the way we'd like, days when we have feelings of sadness and fear. But we can deal with our bad days and darker days in ways that reflect self-responsibility rather than victimization.
It's okay to have a good day too. We might not have as much to talk about, but we'll have more to enjoy.
Today, help me let go of my need to be a victim. Help me let go of my belief that to be loved and get attention I need to be a victim. Surround me with people who love me when I own my power. Help me start having good days and enjoying them.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Waiting is An Art
I've
started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves
things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If
you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you
could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you
threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against
the wall. . .
The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.
We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we could not do or have today, no matter what, that we can have in the future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.
We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out - in us, in someone else, in the Universe.
We don't have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting - then we go about living it.
Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want - especially the desires of our heart - if we can learn to wait.
Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will focus on the power available to me by learning to wait.
The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.
We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we could not do or have today, no matter what, that we can have in the future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.
We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out - in us, in someone else, in the Universe.
We don't have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting - then we go about living it.
Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want - especially the desires of our heart - if we can learn to wait.
Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will focus on the power available to me by learning to wait.
Empowering
How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting ourselves and others.
When someone tells us about a problem,what is our reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for the person? Do we believe that that person's future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That's standing on shaky ground -- not the stuff of which recovery is made.
When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a morass of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive the experience? That it's not okay for someone to feel? That he or she will never get through this intact?
When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and behaviors, what is our response? That the person can't do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? From crumbling? From failing?
What is our reaction to ourselves when we encounter a problem, a feeling, or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves?
Do we believe in ourselves and others? Do we give power to people -- including ourselves -- and their abilities? Or do we give power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility?
We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think and consider our response, before we respond. "I'm sorry you're having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you've got some feelings going on. I know you'll work through them and come out on the other side."
Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don't care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work.
To believe in people, to believe in each person's inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems, and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others.
Today, I will strive to give and receive support that is pure and empowering. I will work at believing in myself and others -- our mutual abilities to be competent at dealing with feelings, solving problems, and taking responsibility for ourselves.
When someone tells us about a problem,what is our reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for the person? Do we believe that that person's future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That's standing on shaky ground -- not the stuff of which recovery is made.
When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a morass of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive the experience? That it's not okay for someone to feel? That he or she will never get through this intact?
When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and behaviors, what is our response? That the person can't do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? From crumbling? From failing?
What is our reaction to ourselves when we encounter a problem, a feeling, or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves?
Do we believe in ourselves and others? Do we give power to people -- including ourselves -- and their abilities? Or do we give power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility?
We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think and consider our response, before we respond. "I'm sorry you're having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you've got some feelings going on. I know you'll work through them and come out on the other side."
Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don't care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work.
To believe in people, to believe in each person's inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems, and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others.
Today, I will strive to give and receive support that is pure and empowering. I will work at believing in myself and others -- our mutual abilities to be competent at dealing with feelings, solving problems, and taking responsibility for ourselves.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Removing the Victim
"Don't others see how much I'm hurting?" "Can't they see I need help?" "Don't they care?"
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, it's because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for an awareness in another that we have not yet had.
It is out job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, it's because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for an awareness in another that we have not yet had.
It is out job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Trusting Ourselves
Trust can be one of the most confusing concepts in recovery. Who do we trust? For what?
The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that's happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn't trust ourselves.
There will be some who tell us we cannot trust ourselves, we are off base and out of whack. There are those who would benefit by our mistrusting ourselves.
Fear and doubt are our enemies. Panic is our enemy. Confusion is our opposition.
Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.
We know what is best for us. We know what is right for us. If we are wrong, if we need to change our mind, we will be guided into that -- but only by trusting where we are today.
We can look to others for support and reinforcement,but trust in ourselves is essential.
Do not trust fear. Do not trust panic. We can trust ourselves, stand in our own truth, stand in our own light. We have it now. Already. We have all the light we need for today. And tomorrow's light shall be given to us then.
Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that our Higher Power will guide us into truth.
Today, help me let go of fear, doubt, and confusion -- the enemies of self-trust. Help me go forward in peace and confidence. Help me grow in trust for myself, one experience at a time.
The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that's happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn't trust ourselves.
There will be some who tell us we cannot trust ourselves, we are off base and out of whack. There are those who would benefit by our mistrusting ourselves.
Fear and doubt are our enemies. Panic is our enemy. Confusion is our opposition.
Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but were wrong? We accept them, and trust ourselves anyway.
We know what is best for us. We know what is right for us. If we are wrong, if we need to change our mind, we will be guided into that -- but only by trusting where we are today.
We can look to others for support and reinforcement,but trust in ourselves is essential.
Do not trust fear. Do not trust panic. We can trust ourselves, stand in our own truth, stand in our own light. We have it now. Already. We have all the light we need for today. And tomorrow's light shall be given to us then.
Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that our Higher Power will guide us into truth.
Today, help me let go of fear, doubt, and confusion -- the enemies of self-trust. Help me go forward in peace and confidence. Help me grow in trust for myself, one experience at a time.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Clarity and Direction (JUST where I'm at today)
In spite of our best efforts to work our programs and lean on God's guidance, we sometimes don't understand what's going on in our life. We trust, wait, pray, listen to people, listen to ourselves, and the answer still does not come.
During these times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be, even though that place ma feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction.
We are being changed, healed, and transformed at levels deeper than we can imagine. Good things, beyond our capacity to imagine, are being prepared and brought to us. We are being led and guided.
We can become peaceful. We do not have to act in haste or urgency just to relieve our discomfort, just to get an answer. We can wait until our mind is peaceful. We can wait for clear direction. Clarity will come.
The answer will come, and it will be good for us and those around us.
Today, help me know I am being guided into what's good about life, especially when I feel confused and without direction. Help me trust enough to wait until my mind and vision are clear and consistent. Help me know that clarity will come.
During these times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be, even though that place ma feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction.
We are being changed, healed, and transformed at levels deeper than we can imagine. Good things, beyond our capacity to imagine, are being prepared and brought to us. We are being led and guided.
We can become peaceful. We do not have to act in haste or urgency just to relieve our discomfort, just to get an answer. We can wait until our mind is peaceful. We can wait for clear direction. Clarity will come.
The answer will come, and it will be good for us and those around us.
Today, help me know I am being guided into what's good about life, especially when I feel confused and without direction. Help me trust enough to wait until my mind and vision are clear and consistent. Help me know that clarity will come.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
This Shit Don't Happen By Osmosis
"We've heard it said that we can't do this by osmosis -- in other words, we can't just attend meetings, not matter how many, and expect to breath recovery in through the pores of our skin."
Every once and a while the Just for Today reading provides a swift, stinging slap in the face. Like this morning. After reading it and reflecting on my behavior over the last 6 or so months (especially in relation to one person in particular), I had a stark realization of what my major problem was and why I was failing at every turn to improve on my behavior, my thinking, and my overall functioning as a caring, considerate human being.
I wasn't working any program. I wasn't doing the things necessary to REALLY look at my behaviors, thought patterns, and defects, to be able to identify, acknowledge, and grow from them. I was just attending meetings and thinking that that would be enough for me to get by. Unfortunately, it certainly wasn't enough to get by, and I suffered as a result, as did someone else very close to me because I kept on repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and expected different results....and we all know that that is the prime definition of insanity.
If I expect to accomplish what I want during this period and gift of time that I have to focus on myself, I have to really work this thing they call a program. It's the only way the man inside me can grow the fuck up and become what he deserves out of me.
Every once and a while the Just for Today reading provides a swift, stinging slap in the face. Like this morning. After reading it and reflecting on my behavior over the last 6 or so months (especially in relation to one person in particular), I had a stark realization of what my major problem was and why I was failing at every turn to improve on my behavior, my thinking, and my overall functioning as a caring, considerate human being.
I wasn't working any program. I wasn't doing the things necessary to REALLY look at my behaviors, thought patterns, and defects, to be able to identify, acknowledge, and grow from them. I was just attending meetings and thinking that that would be enough for me to get by. Unfortunately, it certainly wasn't enough to get by, and I suffered as a result, as did someone else very close to me because I kept on repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and expected different results....and we all know that that is the prime definition of insanity.
If I expect to accomplish what I want during this period and gift of time that I have to focus on myself, I have to really work this thing they call a program. It's the only way the man inside me can grow the fuck up and become what he deserves out of me.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Taking Care of Ourselves
We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. we will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!
It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.
Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.
That's okay. we will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.
Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
PEACE
Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe....We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.
Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of peace. I will consciously let go....
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe....We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.
Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of peace. I will consciously let go....
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Be Who You Are
Sometimes, our instinctive reaction to being in a new situation is: Don't be yourself.
Who else can we be? Who else would you want to be? We don't need to be anyone else.
The greatest gift we can bring to any relationship wherever we go is being who we are.
We may think others won't like us. We may be afraid that if we just relax and be ourselves, the other person will go away or shame us. We may worry about what the other person will think.
But, when we relax and accept ourselves, people often feel much better being around us when we are rigid and repressed. We're fun to be around.
If others don't appreciate us, do we really want to be around them? Do we need to let the opinions of others control us and our behavior?
Giving ourselves permission to be who we are can have a healing influence on our relationships. The tone relaxes. We relax. The other person relaxes. Then everybody feels a little less shame, because they have learned the truth. Who we are is all we can be, all we're meant to be, and it's enough.
It's fine.
Our opinion of ourselves is truly all that matters. And we can give ourselves all the approval we want and need.
Today, I will relax and be who I am in my relationships. I will do this not in a demeaning or inappropriate way, but in a way that shows I accept myself and value who I am. Help me let go of my fears about being myself.
Who else can we be? Who else would you want to be? We don't need to be anyone else.
The greatest gift we can bring to any relationship wherever we go is being who we are.
We may think others won't like us. We may be afraid that if we just relax and be ourselves, the other person will go away or shame us. We may worry about what the other person will think.
But, when we relax and accept ourselves, people often feel much better being around us when we are rigid and repressed. We're fun to be around.
If others don't appreciate us, do we really want to be around them? Do we need to let the opinions of others control us and our behavior?
Giving ourselves permission to be who we are can have a healing influence on our relationships. The tone relaxes. We relax. The other person relaxes. Then everybody feels a little less shame, because they have learned the truth. Who we are is all we can be, all we're meant to be, and it's enough.
It's fine.
Our opinion of ourselves is truly all that matters. And we can give ourselves all the approval we want and need.
Today, I will relax and be who I am in my relationships. I will do this not in a demeaning or inappropriate way, but in a way that shows I accept myself and value who I am. Help me let go of my fears about being myself.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Accepting Ourselves
Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves, or be who we were, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others.
We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we're deserving of love.
We're learning to accept ourselves,as we are for the present moment -- to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too.
To be who we are means we accept our past -- our history -- exactly as it is.
To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions and beliefs -- for the present moment and subject to change. We accept our limitations and strengths.
To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are in recovery means we take that acceptance one step further. We can appreciate ourselves and our history.
Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change.
Today, I will be who I am. If I'm not yet certain who I am, I will affirm that I have a right to that discovery.
We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we're deserving of love.
We're learning to accept ourselves,as we are for the present moment -- to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs, and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too.
To be who we are means we accept our past -- our history -- exactly as it is.
To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions and beliefs -- for the present moment and subject to change. We accept our limitations and strengths.
To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are in recovery means we take that acceptance one step further. We can appreciate ourselves and our history.
Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change.
Today, I will be who I am. If I'm not yet certain who I am, I will affirm that I have a right to that discovery.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Letting Go of Anger
In recovery, we often discuss anger objectively. Yes, we reason,it's an emotion we're all prone to experience. Yes, the goal in recovery is to be free of resentment and anger. Yes, it's okay to feel angry, we agree. Well, maybe....
Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.
Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it signals problems we need to solve. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.
And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined in a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle ourselves or our energy.
We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.
Breathe deeply. We can shamelessly feel our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.
I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely.
[or can I?]
Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.
Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it signals problems we need to solve. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.
And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined in a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle ourselves or our energy.
We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.
Breathe deeply. We can shamelessly feel our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.
I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely.
[or can I?]
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Letting Go of Denial
Most of us in recovery has engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs.
We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.
We will do this, when the time is right.
We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality -- on own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs.
We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.
We will do this, when the time is right.
We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality -- on own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.
Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
People Pleasers
Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside-out to please another is often irritating and anxiety-producing.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends, and family, and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends, and family, and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Accepting Imperfection
"Why do I do this to myself?" asked a woman who wanted to lose weight. "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie (baaahahahahahahaha!) that wasn't on the diet. I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot. I felt so ashamed before I came to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly. Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."
Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect -- whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
Whether we're judging ourselves or others, it's two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid.
It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.
Today, I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.
Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect -- whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
Whether we're judging ourselves or others, it's two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid.
It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.
Today, I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Strength
We don't always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."
Friday, February 22, 2013
Solving Problems
Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems,because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
Help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems,because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
Help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Counseling Homework
So, because I'm crazy, I've started to go to counseling. Laugh all you want, this bitch needs it.
What is stirring up some super uncomfortable emotions right now is the "homework" she gave me that I'm currently working on:
1 - When was the last time I was vulnerable?
2 - Define vulnerability
3 - List all of my negative self-talk
4 - Write out a list of all of my "I Should be...." statements
I was okay all the way up to numbers 3 and 4. I'm reading back over my negative self-talk and wondering how I haven't killed myself yet when I'm actually talking to myself like this:
"You're gaining weight because you're a lazy fuck who can't commit to something as simple as a workout/diet regimen."
"The fact that you stopped cutting is a joke. You're already scarred and tore up and deserving of every scar you have. Start cutting right away because you deserve it."
"You're a fucking coward."
"You're selfish, self-absorbed, and incapable of caring for anyone else because it interferes with your own selfish wants and needs. No wonder Andrew and you fell apart. He knew better."
This is proving to be a not fun exercise.
What is stirring up some super uncomfortable emotions right now is the "homework" she gave me that I'm currently working on:
1 - When was the last time I was vulnerable?
2 - Define vulnerability
3 - List all of my negative self-talk
4 - Write out a list of all of my "I Should be...." statements
I was okay all the way up to numbers 3 and 4. I'm reading back over my negative self-talk and wondering how I haven't killed myself yet when I'm actually talking to myself like this:
"You're gaining weight because you're a lazy fuck who can't commit to something as simple as a workout/diet regimen."
"The fact that you stopped cutting is a joke. You're already scarred and tore up and deserving of every scar you have. Start cutting right away because you deserve it."
"You're a fucking coward."
"You're selfish, self-absorbed, and incapable of caring for anyone else because it interferes with your own selfish wants and needs. No wonder Andrew and you fell apart. He knew better."
This is proving to be a not fun exercise.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Powerlessness and Personal Responsibility
When we refuse to take responsibility for our lives, we give away all of our personal power. We need to remember that we are powerless over our addiction, not our personal behavior.
Many of us have misused the concept of powerlessness to avoid making decisions or to hold onto things we had outgrown. We have claimed powerlessness over our own actions. We have blamed others for our circumstances rather than taking positive action to change those circumstances. If we continue to avoid responsibility by claiming that we are "powerless," we set ourselves up for the same despair and misery we experienced in our active addiction. The potential for spending our recovery years feeling like victims is very real.
Instead of living our lives by default, we can learn to make responsible choices and take risks. We may make mistakes, but we can learn from these mistakes. A heightened awareness of ourselves and an increased willingness to accept personal responsibility gives us the freedom to change, to make choices, and to grow.
Just For Today: My feelings, actions, and choices are mine. I will accept responsibility for them.
Many of us have misused the concept of powerlessness to avoid making decisions or to hold onto things we had outgrown. We have claimed powerlessness over our own actions. We have blamed others for our circumstances rather than taking positive action to change those circumstances. If we continue to avoid responsibility by claiming that we are "powerless," we set ourselves up for the same despair and misery we experienced in our active addiction. The potential for spending our recovery years feeling like victims is very real.
Instead of living our lives by default, we can learn to make responsible choices and take risks. We may make mistakes, but we can learn from these mistakes. A heightened awareness of ourselves and an increased willingness to accept personal responsibility gives us the freedom to change, to make choices, and to grow.
Just For Today: My feelings, actions, and choices are mine. I will accept responsibility for them.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Being Right
Recovery isn't about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are.
That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the "right-wrong" justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.
Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.
That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the "right-wrong" justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.
Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Acceptance
Acceptance
Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept others, the circumstance, and ourselves exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for our circumstances or ourselves. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."
No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.
Today, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept others, circumstances, and myself. Take me one step further and help me feel grateful.
Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept others, the circumstance, and ourselves exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for our circumstances or ourselves. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."
No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.
Today, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept others, circumstances, and myself. Take me one step further and help me feel grateful.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
A Choice
After a particularly excruciating Valentine's Day, I've found that I've been in an emotional funk ever since. In recovery, I've been told time and time again that instead of running or denying how we feel, a better course of action is to lean into the feelings instead, so that acceptance of them will come and the healing process can actually happen, instead of just putting it off and pretending like you're fine, which, in my case, fine would not mean fine but FINE (Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional).
So I got the recognition and acceptance part down, but I've been unable to shift back into feeling okay for the past 2 days. It's almost like because the feeling of loss, grief, sadness, and misery were so comfortable to me being as familiar as they are, I was unable to make the choice to do something to bring out feeling different.
Our house manager just stopped by and I had a little chat with him, and he reminded me that I did a good job in the recognition and leaning into the feelings part, but that I forgot that today I have a choice. I can make the choice to continue to sit in it and feel like shit, or implement the next right thing and behaviors to make the choice to feel different.
Thanks Tony.
M
So I got the recognition and acceptance part down, but I've been unable to shift back into feeling okay for the past 2 days. It's almost like because the feeling of loss, grief, sadness, and misery were so comfortable to me being as familiar as they are, I was unable to make the choice to do something to bring out feeling different.
Our house manager just stopped by and I had a little chat with him, and he reminded me that I did a good job in the recognition and leaning into the feelings part, but that I forgot that today I have a choice. I can make the choice to continue to sit in it and feel like shit, or implement the next right thing and behaviors to make the choice to feel different.
Thanks Tony.
M
Detachment
The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?
These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
There is no rule book. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don't have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.
Having and setting healthy limits -- healthy boundaries -- isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, and to grow.
We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, we'll see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
Things will work out. The way will become clear.
Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of my the rest., I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.
These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
There is no rule book. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don't have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.
Having and setting healthy limits -- healthy boundaries -- isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, and to grow.
We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, we'll see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
Things will work out. The way will become clear.
Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of my the rest., I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Control
Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, unable to care for ourselves.
When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of our Higher Power. Problems seem overwhelming. The past seems senseless; the future, bleak. We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.
In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness. That's when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain. When these "codependent crazies" strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.
When we're in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this: Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves. Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.
People and things don't stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: Ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems/group, and our program.
Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us -- with ease and naturalness.
The sun begins to shine again. Isn't it funny, and isn't it true, how all change really does begin with us?
I can let go of things and people and my need to control today. I can deal with my feelings. I can get peaceful. I can get calm. I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness -- myself. I will remember that a gray day is just that -- one gray day.
When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of our Higher Power. Problems seem overwhelming. The past seems senseless; the future, bleak. We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.
In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness. That's when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain. When these "codependent crazies" strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.
When we're in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this: Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves. Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.
People and things don't stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: Ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems/group, and our program.
Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us -- with ease and naturalness.
The sun begins to shine again. Isn't it funny, and isn't it true, how all change really does begin with us?
I can let go of things and people and my need to control today. I can deal with my feelings. I can get peaceful. I can get calm. I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness -- myself. I will remember that a gray day is just that -- one gray day.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day
For children, Valentine's Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air.
How different Valentine's Day can be for us as
adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to
work for us as we would like.
Or it can be a symbol of something different,
something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing
process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted
us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point
out our own issues or show us what we
don't want in our life.
We have started the journey of learning to love
ourselves. We have started the process of opening our heart to love,
real love that flows from us, to others, and back again. Do something
loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for
your children, or for anyone you choose.
It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our
healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose. Whatever
our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love.
I will open myself to the love available to me from people, the Universe, and my Higher Power today. I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today. I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Trusting Ourselves
What a great gift we've been given -- ourselves. To listen to ourselves, to trust instinct and intuition, is to pay tribute to that gift.
What a disservice not to heed the leadings and leanings that so naturally arise from within. When will we learn that these leadings and leanings draw us into the Universe's rich plan for us?
We will learn. We will learn by listening, trusting, and following through. What is it time to do?...What do I need to do to take care of myself?...What am I being led to do?...What do I know?
Listen, and we will know. Listen to the voice within.
Today, I will listen and trust. I will be helped to take action when that is needed. I can trust myself and the Universe.
What a disservice not to heed the leadings and leanings that so naturally arise from within. When will we learn that these leadings and leanings draw us into the Universe's rich plan for us?
We will learn. We will learn by listening, trusting, and following through. What is it time to do?...What do I need to do to take care of myself?...What am I being led to do?...What do I know?
Listen, and we will know. Listen to the voice within.
Today, I will listen and trust. I will be helped to take action when that is needed. I can trust myself and the Universe.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Letting Go of Sadness
A block to joy and love can be unresolved sadness from the past.
In the past, we told ourselves many things to deny the pain: It doesn't hurt that much...Maybe if I just wait things will change...It's no big deal. I can get through this...Maybe if I try to change the other person, I won't have to change myself.
We denied that it hurt because we didn't want to feel the pain.
Unfinished business doesn't go away. It keeps repeating itself, until it gets our attention, until we feel it, deal with it, and heal. That's one lesson we are learning in recovery from codependency.
Many of us didn't have the tools, support, or safety we needed to acknowledge and accept pain from our past. It's okay. We're safe now. Slowly, carefully, we can begin to open ourselves up to our feelings. We can begin the process of feeling what we have denied for so long -- not to blame, not to shame, but to heal ourselves in preparation for a better life.
It's okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release these feelings.
Grief is a cleansing process. It's an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future -- a future free from sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
As I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings. Today, help me know that I don't have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery. Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally, in a manageable way.
In the past, we told ourselves many things to deny the pain: It doesn't hurt that much...Maybe if I just wait things will change...It's no big deal. I can get through this...Maybe if I try to change the other person, I won't have to change myself.
We denied that it hurt because we didn't want to feel the pain.
Unfinished business doesn't go away. It keeps repeating itself, until it gets our attention, until we feel it, deal with it, and heal. That's one lesson we are learning in recovery from codependency.
Many of us didn't have the tools, support, or safety we needed to acknowledge and accept pain from our past. It's okay. We're safe now. Slowly, carefully, we can begin to open ourselves up to our feelings. We can begin the process of feeling what we have denied for so long -- not to blame, not to shame, but to heal ourselves in preparation for a better life.
It's okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release these feelings.
Grief is a cleansing process. It's an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future -- a future free from sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
As I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings. Today, help me know that I don't have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery. Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally, in a manageable way.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Self-Acceptance
From our earliest memories, many of us felt like we never belonged. No matter how big the gathering, we always felt apart from the crowd. We had a hard time "fitting in." Deep down, we believed that if we really let others get to know us, they would reject us. Perhaps our addiction began to germinate in this climate of self-centeredness.
Many of us hid the pain of our alienation with an attitude of defiance. In effect, we told the world "You don't need me? Well, I don't need any of you either!. I've got my drugs and I can take care of myself." The further our addiction progressed, the higher the walls we built around ourselves.
Those walls begin to fall when we start finding acceptance from others in recovery. With this acceptance from others, we begin to learn the important principle of self-acceptance. And when we start to accept ourselves, we can allow others to take part in our lives without fear of rejection.
Just for Today: I am accepted; I fit in. Today, it's safe to start letting others into my life.
Many of us hid the pain of our alienation with an attitude of defiance. In effect, we told the world "You don't need me? Well, I don't need any of you either!. I've got my drugs and I can take care of myself." The further our addiction progressed, the higher the walls we built around ourselves.
Those walls begin to fall when we start finding acceptance from others in recovery. With this acceptance from others, we begin to learn the important principle of self-acceptance. And when we start to accept ourselves, we can allow others to take part in our lives without fear of rejection.
Just for Today: I am accepted; I fit in. Today, it's safe to start letting others into my life.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Letting Go of Guilt
Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we've done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we've done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
This is Not a Test
Some of us come into recovery with the impression that life's hardships are a series of cosmic tests designed to teach us something. This belief is readily apparent when something traumatic happens and we wail "My Higher Power is testing me!" We're convinced that it's a test of our recovery when someone offers us drugs, or a test of our character when faced with a situation where we could do something unprincipled without getting caught. We may even think it's a test of our faith when we're in great pain over a tragedy in our lives.
But a loving Higher Power doesn't test our recovery, our character, or our faith. Life just happens, and sometimes, it hurts. Many of us have lost love through no fault of our own. Some grieved the loss of our own children. Life can be terribly painful at times, but the pain is not inflicted on us by our Higher Power. Rather, that Power is constantly by our sides, ready to carry us if we can't walk by ourselves. There is no harm that life can do to us that the God of our understanding can't heal.
Just for Today: I will have faith that my Higher Power's will for me is good,and that I am loved. I will seek my Higher Power's help in times of need.
But a loving Higher Power doesn't test our recovery, our character, or our faith. Life just happens, and sometimes, it hurts. Many of us have lost love through no fault of our own. Some grieved the loss of our own children. Life can be terribly painful at times, but the pain is not inflicted on us by our Higher Power. Rather, that Power is constantly by our sides, ready to carry us if we can't walk by ourselves. There is no harm that life can do to us that the God of our understanding can't heal.
Just for Today: I will have faith that my Higher Power's will for me is good,and that I am loved. I will seek my Higher Power's help in times of need.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
FEAR
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us; fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.
"But I failed before!" "I can't do it good enough!" "Look at what happened last time!" "What if...." These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.
Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to -- and are necessary for -- an upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it -- whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.
Today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us; fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.
"But I failed before!" "I can't do it good enough!" "Look at what happened last time!" "What if...." These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.
Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to -- and are necessary for -- an upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it -- whatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.
Today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Responsibility for Ourselves
Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we're responsible for theirs.
It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting ourselves to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves -- for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today, I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting ourselves to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves -- for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today, I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Vulnerability
Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again. We may automatically go on "feelings freeze mode" when faced with emotional pain. Or, we may terminate a relationship the first time we feel hurt.
Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery.
It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share. In fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may not have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.
That was yesterday. Today, we don't have to be so frightened of pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don't have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life.
We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that's appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We don't have to analyze or justify our feelings. We need to feel them, and try not to let them control our behavior.
Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it's showing us we're going in the wrong direction; maybe it's triggering a deep healing process.
It's okay to feel hurt; it's okay to cry; it's okay to heal; it's okay to move on to the next feeling, when it's time. Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy.
Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it means learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.
Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them. I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships. I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as to the joy in life.
Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery.
It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share. In fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may not have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.
That was yesterday. Today, we don't have to be so frightened of pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don't have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life.
We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that's appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We don't have to analyze or justify our feelings. We need to feel them, and try not to let them control our behavior.
Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it's showing us we're going in the wrong direction; maybe it's triggering a deep healing process.
It's okay to feel hurt; it's okay to cry; it's okay to heal; it's okay to move on to the next feeling, when it's time. Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy.
Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it means learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.
Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them. I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships. I am willing to surrender to the pain as well as to the joy in life.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Dealing With Painful Feelings
Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much as fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and us.
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for our feelings.
Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much as fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and us.
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for our feelings.
Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.
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