Expectations of Others

    It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met.  We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe -- not one particular person -- to be our source.
    It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request.  We are responsible for what we want and need. It's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request.  If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
    There's a difference between asking and demanding.  We want love that is freely given.
    It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs.  Ultimately, we will become angry or resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
    It is reasonable to have certain and well-defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
    If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship.  We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability.  We do this for ourselves.
    It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person.  We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
    The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.

Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.

Overcoming Self-Obsession

Many of us came into the program convinced that our feelings, our wants, and our needs were of the utmost importance to everyone.  We had practiced a lifetime of self-seeking, self-centered behavior and believed it was the only way to live.
That self-centeredness doesn't cease just because using has stopped...
The more we insist on being the center of the universe, the less satisfied we will be with our friends, our sponsor, and everything else.
Freedom from self-obsession can be found through concentrating more on the needs of others and less on our own. When others have problems, we can offer help.  When newcomers need rides to meetings, we can pick them up.  When friends are lonely, we can spend time with them.  When we find ourselves feeling unloved or ignored, we can offer the love and attention we need to someone else. In giving, we receive much more in return -- and that's a promise we can trust.

Love One Another, But Make Not a Bond of Love

Love doesn't demand; love compromises.  It doesn't possess; it frees.  Love doesn't gloat; it praises.  Love makes friends of strangers.  It softens our rough edges and strengthens our assets.  Knowing we're loved inspires us and invites forth our best effort.  Offering our love humbles us and cultivates our inner joy.

Never, in the name of love, should we direct another person's life, but instead let's celebrate the choices made by someone dear, even when they run counter to our own desires.  We are each blessed with a destiny, unique and necessary to the others in our lives. We must be allowed to travel our paths to fulfillment.

Let's free one another and know real love.

Staying Open to Our Feelings

Many of us have gotten so good at following the "don't feel" rule that we can try to talk ourselves out of feelings, even in recovery.

Part of working a good program means acknowledging and dealing with our feelings.  We strive to accept and deal with our anger so it doesn't harden into resentments.  We don't use recovery as an excuse to shut down our emotions.

Yes, we are striving for forgiveness, but we still want to feel, listen to, and stay with our feelings until it's time to release them appropriately.  Our Higher Power created the emotional part of ourselves. God is not telling us to not feel; it's our dysfunctional belief system that is.

We also need to be careful how we use affirmations; discounting our emotions won't make feelings go away.  If we're angry, it's okay to have that feeling.  That's part of how we get and stay healthy.

Today, I will refuse to accept shame from others or myself for feeling my feelings.

Taking Care of Ourselves Emotionally

    What does it mean to take care of myself emotionally?  I recognize when I'm feeling angry, and I accept that feeling without shame or blame.
    I recognize when I'm feeling hurt, and I accept those feelings without attempting to punish the source of my pain. I recognize and feel fear when that emotion presents itself.
    I allow myself to feel happiness, joy,and love when those emotions are available.  Taking care of myself means I've made a decision that it's okay to feel.
    Taking care of my emotions means I allow myself to stay with the feeling until it's time to release it and go on to the next one.
    I recognize that sometimes my feelings can help point me toward reality, but sometimes my feelings are deceptive.  They are important, but I do not have to let them control me.  I can feel, and think too.
    I reach out for help or guidance if I get stuck in a particular emotion.
    I'm open to the lessons my emotions may be trying to teach me.  After I feel, accept, and release the feeling, I ask myself what it is I want or need to do to take care of myself.
    Taking care of myself emotionally means I value, treasure, explore, and cherish the emotional part of myself.

Today, I will take care of myself emotionally.  I will be open to, and accepting of, the emotional part of myself and other people.  I will strive for balance by combining emotions with reason, but I will not allow intellect to push the emotional part of myself away

Giving

    Don't be afraid of giving.
    For a while, we may need to back off from giving as we learn to discern the difference between healthy giving and caretaking, which leaves us feeling victimized and others feeling resentful.
    This is a temporary spot.
    To be healthy, to do our part in this spiritual way of life, to be part of the endless cycle of the Universe, we need to give and receive.
    Both parts are important.
    What is healthy giving?
    This is a fine-lined behavior each of us must seek to understand for ourselves.  It is giving that feels good and does not leave us feeling victimized.
    It is giving that holds the giver and the receiver in high esteem.
    It is giving based on a desire to do it rather than from a sense of guilt, pity, shame, or obligation.
    It is giving with no strings attached.  Or it is giving based on a clean, direct contract.
    Whether it is giving of our time, efforts, energy, comfort, nurturing, money, or ourselves, it is giving that we can afford.
    Giving is part of the chain of giving and receiving.  We can learn to give in healthy ways; we can learn to give in love.  We need to keep an eye on our giving, to make sure it has not crossed the line into caretaking.  But we need to learn to give in ways that work for us and others.

Today, guide me in my giving.  Help me give to others in healthy ways.  Help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean, and what I can afford.

Fear of Change

"...We lose our fear of the unknown.  We are set free."  Pg. 16

    Life is a series of changes, both large and small.  Although we may know and accept this fact intellectually, chances are that our initial emotional reaction to change is fear.  For some reason, we assume that each and every change is going to hurt, causing us to be miserable.
    If we look back on the changes that have happened in our lives, we'll find that most of them have been for the best.  We were probably very frightened at the prospect of life without drugs, yet it's the best thing that's ever happened to us.  Perhaps we've lost a job that we thought we'd die without, but later on we found greater challenge and personal fulfillment in a new career.  As we venture forth...we're likely to experience more changes.  We will outgrow old situations and become ready for new ones.
    With all sorts of changes taking place, it's only natural to grab hold of something, anything familiar to try and hold on.  Solace can be found in a Power greater than ourselves.  The more we allow changes to happen at the direction of our Higher Power, the more we'll trust that those changes are for the best.  Faith will replace fear, and we'll know in our hearts that all will be well.

Just for today:  When I am afraid of change in my life, I will take comfort from knowing that's God's will for me is good.

Affirmations

    One of our choices in recovery is choosing what we want to think -- using our mental energy positively.
    Positive mental energy, positive thinking, does not mean we think unrealistically or revert to denial.  If we don't like something, we respect our own opinion.  If we spot a problem, we're honest about it.  If something isn't working out, we accept reality.  But we don't dwell on the negative parts of our experience.
    Whatever we give energy to, we empower.
    There is magic in empowering the good, because whatever we empower grows bigger.  One way to empower the good is through affirmations:  simple positive statements we make to ourselves:  I love myself...I'm good enough...My life is good...I'm glad I'm alive today...What I want and need is coming to me...I can...
    Our choices in recovery is not whether to use affirmations.  We've been affirming thoughts and beliefs since we were old enough to speak.  The choice in recovery is what we want to affirm.
    

Today, I will empower the good in myself, others, and life.  I'm willing to release, or let go of, negative thought patterns and replace them with positive ones.  I will choose what I want to affirm, and I will make it good.

Empowerment

    You can think.  You can make good decisions.  You can make choices that are right for you.
    Yes, we all make mistakes from time to time.  But we are not mistakes.
    We can make a new decision that takes new information into account.
    We can change our mind from time to time.  That's our right too.
    We don't have to be intellectuals to make good choices.  In recovery, we have a gift and a goal available to each of us.  The gift is called wisdom.
    Other people can think too.  And that means we no longer have to feel responsible for other people's decisions.
    That also means we are responsible for our choices.
    We can reach out to others for feedback.  We can ask for information.  We can take opinions into account.    But it is our task to make our own decisions.  It is our pleasure and right to have our own opinions.
    We are each free to embrace and enjoy the treasure of our own mind, intellect, and wisdom.

Today, I will treasure the gift of my mind.  I will do my own thinking, make my own choices, and value my opinions.  I will be open to what others think, but I will take responsibility for myself.  I will ask for and trust that The Universe is guiding me.

Valuing our Needs

    When we don't ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves.  We deserve better.
    Maybe others taught us it wasn't polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves.  The truth is, if we don't our utmost wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships.  We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need.  We may end the relationship because it doesn't meet our needs.
    Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need.  Sustained intimacy demands this.
   Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want.  That's called setting a boundary.  We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life.
   Out attitude toward our needs is important too.  We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously.  When we begin to place value and importance on our needs, we'll see a remarkable change.  Our wants and needs will begin to get met.

Today, I will respect the wants and needs of myself and others.  I will tell myself, others, and my Higher Power what I want and need.  I will listen to what they want and need too.

When The Time is Right

    There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next.  Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.
    We can get through these times.  We can rely on our program  and the disciplines of recovery.  We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.
   Accept uncertainty.  We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next.  We do not always have clear direction.  Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.
    It is okay to temporarily be without direction.  Say "I don't know," and be comfortable with that.  We do not have to try and force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
    While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold.  Let go of anxiety and enjoy life.  Relax.  Do something fun.  Enjoy the love and beauty in your life.  Accomplish small tasks.  They may have nothing to do with solving the problem, or finding direection, but this is what we can do in the interim.
    Clarity will come.  The next step will present itself.  Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever.

Today, I will accept my circumstances even if I lack direction and insight.  I will remember to do things that make myself and others feel good during those times.  I will trust that clarity will come of its own accord

Letting Go of Shame

    Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once.  We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
    Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame.  The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
    Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for the shame.
    The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences.  The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original vicitmization.
    We each have our own work, our issues, our recovery tasks.  One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us.  Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator.  We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life.  At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
    We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves.  But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
    Let go of victim shame.  We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because have have been victimized.

Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.

Developing Healthy Tolerance

    Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us.  We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us.
    We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain -- our right to feel it and do something about it.
    Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we became furious and refuse to tolerate any more.
    We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.
    We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people.  We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves.  We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.
    We aren't crazy.  Some behaviors really do bug us.  Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive.
    We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set.  Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.
    We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary.  We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people.  We can establish our rights to have these limits.  We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings -- as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.
    Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.

Help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for myself and others.

Putting Our Life on Hold

    We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be.  That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
    If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.
    That can be hard.  It can feel natural to put our life on hold.  That is when we get caught up in the codependent behaviors:  That person can make me happy...I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy...
    That's a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.
    We can get into this situation in a number of ways.  We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.
    We do not have to put our life on hold.  There will be repercussions from doing this.  Go on with your life.  Take life a day at a time.
    What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?
    How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn't doing?
    What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?
    Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately.  Sometimes, we wait for a while.  Sometimes, things don't work out exactly the way we hoped.  But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.
    And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others.  That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need.
    Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn't work.  All it does is make us miserable, because have stopped living our life.

Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life.  I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love.  If i have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back.  I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.

Letting People Be There For Us

Sometimes, we need nurturing.  Sometimes, we need people to support us.
    Many of us have been deprived of support and nurturing for so long we may not realize it's something we want and need. Many of us have learned to block or stop ourselves from getting what we want and need.
    We may not reach out to have our needs met.  We may be in relationships with people who cannot or will not be available to meet our needs.  Or we may be in relationships with people who would be happy to respond to a direct request from us.
    We may have to give something up to do this.  We may have to let go of our martyr or victim role.  If we ask for what we want and need, and get those needs met, we will not be able to punish people, or push them away later on, for disappointing us.
    We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us.  We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.
    Learn to let others be there for us.

DETACHMENT

One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us.  We put it in a cage.  Sometime later, the gerbil escaped.  For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house.  So did we -- chasing it.
   "There it is.  Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil.  I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.
    I worried about it, even when we didn't see it.  "This isn't right," I'd think.  "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house.  We've got to catch it.  We've got to do something."
    One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway.  In a frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
    No, I said.  I'm all done.  If that animal wants to live int he nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it.  I'm done worrying about it.  I'm done chasing it.  It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.
    I let the gerbil run past without reacting.  I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction -- not reacting -- but I stuck to it anyway.
    I got more comfortable with my new reaction -- not reacting.  Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation.  I had stopped fighting the gerbil.  One afternoon, only weeks after I started I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it.  The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it.  It started to run away.  I relaxed.
    "Fine," I said.  "Do what you want."  And I meant it.
    One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited.  I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage where it has lived happily ever since.  The moral of the story?  Don't lunge at the gerbil  He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him  more and makes us crazy.
    Detachment works.

Today, I will be comfortable with my new reaction -- not reacting.  I will feel at peace.

Sharing The Real Me

Intimacy is the sharing of our innermost thoughts and feelings with another human being.  Many of us long for the warmth and companionship intimacy brings, but those things don't come without effort.  In our addiction , we learned to guard ourselves from others lest they threaten our using.  In recovery, we learn how to trust others.  Intimacy requires us to lower our defenses.  To feel the closeness intimacy brings, we must allow others to get close to us -- the real us.
    If we are to share our innermost selves with others, we must first have an idea of what those innermost selves are truly like.  We regularly examine our lives to find out who we really are, what we really want, and how we really feel.  Then, based on our regular inventories of ourselves, we must be as completely and consistently honest with our friends as we can be.
    Intimacy is a part of life, and therefore a part of living clean -- and intimacy, like everything in recovery, has its price.  The painstaking self-scrutiny intimacy calls for can be hard work.  And the total honesty of intimacy often brings its own complications.  But the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings is well worth the effort.

Just for today:  I seek the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings.  Today, I will get to know "the real me" by taking a personal inventory, and I will practice being completely honest with another person.

Step 12

The 12th Step says that having had a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others.  Our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health -- a better way of life, one that works.
    How do we carry it?  Not by rescuing.  Not by controlling.  Not by obsessing.  Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
    We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways.  We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health.  These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
    Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
    Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
    Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message.  Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
    Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message.  All those behaviors carry is codependency.  
    Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves.  When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well-intentioned "helping" gesture.  We cannot changes others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.

Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work.  I will let go of my need to "help" people.  Instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself.  If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly.  Help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope.  I can be a channel to help others when I am ready.  I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.

We Can Trust Ourselves

For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgment again.
"The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity," said one recovering woman who married a sex addict.  "I can't afford to make another mistake like that."
Many of us have trusted people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them.  We may have found these people charming, kind, decent.  There may have been a small voice that said, "No -- something's wrong."  We we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
The issue may then reverberate through our life for years.  Our trust in others may have been shaken, but our trust in ourselves may have been shattered worse.
How could something feel so right, flow so good, and be such a total mistake?  We may wonder.  How can I ever trust my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty?
We may never have the answers.  I believe I needed to make certain "mistakes" to learn critical lessons I'm not certain I would have otherwise learned.  We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves.  We cannot afford to function with fear.
If we are always making the wrong decision in business or in love, we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves.
But most of us do improve.  We learn.  We grow from our mistakes.  Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve.  Our decisions about how to handle situations with friends or children improve.  We benefit from our mistakes.  We benefit from our past.  And if we have made mistakes, we needed to make them in order to learn along the way.

Today, I will let get of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past.  I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgment today.  I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all.  I will strive to see what I've gained from my mmistakes.  I will try to look at all my good decisions too.  I will keep a watchful eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life

Faith Without Works is Dead

I'm starting to realize that "I'm sorry" means absolutely not a goddamn thing unless you put action behind it.  I can say I'm sorry until I'm out of breath and blue in the face.  But what really says "I'm sorry" and how to make amends for my defects showing up in my behavior is by acting differently.  The more actions and time I put between now/myself and the mistakes I've made equals to the growth in character I want to achieve and display. 
What makes it especially hard are the behaviors and defects that I'm not even aware of until someone (let's call him shmandrew) points them out.
Self-righteousness, indignation, and rationalization of my self-centeredness being some of my biggest problems, normally I'd get defensive, write him off, and end it with a "fuck you, it's not me, it's you" statement.  But what drives the point home and really makes me listen and pay attention is the fact that I can see the effect my actions and behaviors have on him.  With that feedback, it makes me realize and see that some of the things about myself I've been completely oblivious to are, in fact, not acceptable and are some crucial defects of character that need to be tended to ASAP.

I understand that "we don't recover overnight" and that it's "progress, not perfection."  I just hope that he does or has some semblance of understanding of those same concepts and he's patient with me.  I'm trying.  I really am.

I'm just fearful that it's not happening fast enough? 

The Cut and Run

Lately, I've started to realize just how deep rooted and chronic some of my character defects really are.  Self-centeredness, self-righteousness, jealousy, greed, pride, ego, and rage/anger (just to name a few).

But the one, lately, that really has been catching my attention/concern has been my propensity to do the good ol' fashioned "cut and run."  What's the "cut and run you ask?"  Instead of seeing something through to conflict resolution or sticking something out until peace or a compromise can be reached, I'm noticing that my deep rooted habit is just to say "Fuck it!" not even try, give up, and run away, crying futility and victimization the whole way home.

Someone in particular has been calling my attention to it lately every time I do it (or start to) as well as the multitude of times I've done it in the past.

One of my favorite things he said was just said recently:

"Everything isn't always going to be perfect.  People, friends, couples...they all fight.  Some more than others.  But they don't give up and just walk away.  They eventually work it out, move forward, and get over it, and they're okay."

That was definitely an example of my Higher Power speaking through someone in front of me because the moment I heard those words I knew I was hearing absolute truth. 

I need to pay attention to my habit of doing the cut and run whenever a situation gets uncomfortable or actually requires effort.  Instead of acting out in FEAR (Fuck Everything And Run) why not actually apply myself and fight for something important to me?  Imagine that.

The Victim Trap

The belief that life has to be hard and difficult is the belief that makes a martyr.
We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves.
We aren't helpless.  We can solve our problems.  We do have power -- not to change or control others, but to solve the problems that are ours to solve.
Using each problem that comes our way to "prove" that life is hard and we are helpless -- this is codependency.  It's the victim trap.
Life does not have to be difficult.  In fact, it can be smooth.  Life is good.  We don't have to "awfulize" it, or ourselves.  We don't have to live on the underside.
We do have power, more power than we know, even in the difficult times.  And the difficult times don't prove lire is bad; they are part of the ups and downs of life; often, they work out for the best.

We can change our attitude; we can change ourselves; sometimes, we can change our circumstances.
Life is challenging.  Sometimes, there's more pain than we asked for; sometimes there's more joy than we imagined.
It's all part of the package, and the package is good.
We are not victims of life.  We can learn to remove ourselves as victims of life.  By letting go of our belief that life has to be hard and difficult, we make our life much easier.

Taking Care of Ourselves

We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid.  We are not victims.  We are not helpless.
Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us.
Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue.  They will teach.  People who care will come, but they will not rescue.  They will care.  Help will come, but help is not rescuing.
We are our own rescuers.
Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us.

Discipline

Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults.
Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior.  Disciple means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
Discipline means learning to wait for what we want. 
Discipline means being will to work for and toward what we want.
Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors.
Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings.
Discipline is the day-to-day performing of tasks, whether these be recovery behaviors or washing the dishes.
Discipline involves trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them.
Discipline can be grueling.  We may feel afraid, confused, uncertain.  Later, we will see the purpose.  But this clarity of sight usually does not come during the time of discipline.  We may not even believe we're moving forward.
But we are.
The task at hand during times of discipline is simple:  listen, trust, and obey.

Accepting Love

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we work too hard.  We may have done all or most of the work.  This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired.  Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring.  It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating.  It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship.  It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share.  Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other.  This is normal.  But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the relationship find it's own life.  Are we doing all the calling?  Are we doing all the initiating?  Are we doing all the giving?  Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work?
We can let go.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be.  We do not help that process by trying to control it.  We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be.  Wait and see.  Stop worrying about making it happen.  See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Relationships

There is a gift for us in each relationship that comes our way.
Sometimes the gift is a behavior we're learning to acquire:  detachment, self-esteem, becoming confident enough to set a boundary, or owning our power in another way.
Some relationships trigger healing in us -- healing from issues of the past or an issue we're facing today.
Sometimes we find ourselves learning the most important lessons from the people we least expect to help us.  Relationships may teach us about loving ourselves or someone else.  Or maybe we'll learn to let others love us.
Sometimes, we aren't certain what lesson we're learning, especially while we're in the midst of the process.  But we can trust that the lesson and the gift are there.  We don't have to control this process.  We'll understand, when it's time.  We can also trust that the gift is precisely what we need.

Today, I'll be grateful for all my relationships.  I will open myself to the lesson and the gift from each person in my life.  I will trust that I, too, am a gift in other people's lives.

Denial

Denial is a fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent:  controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves.  Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can also emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping.  We're really not aware we're doing it until we're done doing it.  Forcing ourselves -- or anyone else -- to face the truth usually doesn't help.  We won't face the facts until we are ready.  Neither, it seems, will anyone else.  We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps.  Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guise us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial.  The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.

Attitudes

Ever have a day when everything seems to be working against you?  Do you go through periods when you are so busy taking people's inventories you can barely stand yourself?  What about when you find yourself snapping at your coworker or loved one for no reason?  When we find ourselves in this bleak frame of mind, we need to take action.
At any point in the day, we can set aside a few moments and take a "spot inventory."  We examine how we are reacting to outside situations and other people.  When we do, we may find that are are suffering from a plain old "bad attitude."  A negative outlook can hurt our relationship with our Higher Power and the people in our lives.  When we are honest with ourselves, we frequently find that the problem lies with us and our attitude. 
We have no control over the challenges life gives us.  What we can control is how we react to those challenges.  At any point in time, we can change our attitude.  The only thing that really changes in NA is US.  We gain the tools to move out of the problem and into the solution.

Just For Today:  Throughout the day, I will check my attitude.  I will apply the program to improve it

Recent Dream

So I recently had a dream that's been bothering me and has been stuck in my head.  I'm not one of those metaphysical nut-jobs who's constantly trying to translate their dreams and won't STFU about it to everyone around them, but this one left me with such a "wtf" feeling that I figured talking it out might help.

I have this Nightmare Before Christmas tin lunch box that I've had since high school.  I keep everything "important" in there from significant events or memories I have in there:  concert tickets, rave ticket stubs, photos, etc.  General rule of thumb:  I am the only one who's allowed to touch this box, especially the contents (going through them, adding, removing, etc).

Anyway, the dream was short :  I opened the box, and right on top were these 2 ..um, what looked like bookmarks.  the background was a blue sky with clouds and on each said "be home soon."  And, for some reason, I knew that they were from ...um I'm gonna leave his name out of this so as not to violate any anonymity and to avoid any further drama.  But yeah...

I don't get it.  And it's bothering the fuck out of me.

Substance Over Form

     There is nothing wrong with wanting to look our best.  Whether we are striving to create a self, a relationship, or a life, we need to have some solid ideas about what we want that to look like.
     Form gives us a place to begin.  But for many of us, form has been a substitute for substance.  We may have focused on form to compensate for feeling afraid of feeling inferior.  We may have focused on form because we didn't know ow to focus on substance.
     Form is the outline; substance is what fills it in.  We fill in the outline of ourselves by being authentic; we fill in the outline of our life by showing up for life and participating to the best of our ability.
    Now...we're learning to pay attention to how things work and feel, not just what they look like.

Today, I will focus on substance in my life.  I will fill in the lines of myself with a real person -- me.  I will concentrate on the substance of my relationships, rather than what they look like.  I will focus on the real workings of my life, not just the trappings.

An Autobiography in 5 Chapters

Chapter 1
      I walk down the street
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
      I fall in
      I am lost...I am helpless
      It isn't my fault
      It takes forever to find a way out

Chapter 2
      I walk down the same street
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
      I pretend I don't see it
      I fall in, again
      I can't believe I am in this same place
      But it isn't my fault
      It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
      I walk down the same street
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
      I fall in....i't s habit...but, my eyes are open
      I know where I am
      It is my fault
      I get out immediately

Chapter 4
      I walk down the same street
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
      I walk around it

Chapter 5
      I walk down a different street

What if we didn't feel pain?

Not Just a Motivating Factor for Growth

"Pain -- who needs it" we think whenever we're in it.  We see no good purpose for pain.  It seems to be a pointless exercise in suffering.  If someone happens to mention spiritual growth  to us while we're in pain, we most like snort in disgust and walk away, thinking we've never encountered a more insensitive person.
But what if human beings didn't feel pain -- either physical or emotional?  Sound like an ideal world?  Not really.  If we weren't capable of feeling physical pain, we wouldn't know when to blink foreign particles out of our eyes; we wouldn't know when to stop exercising; we wouldn't even know when to roll over in our sleep.  We would simply abuse ourselves for lack of a natural warning system.
The same holds true for emotional pain.  How would we have known that our lives had become unmanageable if we hadn't been in pain?  Just like physical pain, emotional pain lets us know to stop doing something that hurts.
But pain is not only a motivating factor.  Emotional pain provides a basis for comparison when we are joyful.  We couldn't appreciate joy without knowing pain.

Just for today:  I will accept pain as a necessary part of life.  I know that to whatever level I can feel pain, I can also feel joy.

Not a Victim

You are not a victim.
How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization.
Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us!
Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn't run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. . . .
You've got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we've had such hard times. . . .
Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork. . . .
I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances.
Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows.
Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind.
We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims.
We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations.
We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility.
Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim responsibility for yourself!

And learn to enjoy what's good.

Peace with the Past

Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy -- energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.
"I used to live in my past" said one recovering woman.
"I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me.  Usually both."
"I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened.  Things I had done; things others had done to me -- even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep.  Everything was somehow my fault.  I could never just let it go.
"I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified.  I was in denial about a lot of things.  Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget  my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it.  I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.  I've been in recovery for years now, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past.  I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it.  I need to feel any feelings I still have, especially anger.
"I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule and truly all is okay.  I've learned to stop regretting, and start being grateful.
"When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory.  If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it.  I've learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that the Universe was in control, even then."
"I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me.  I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too.  I'm able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.
"I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.
What I've learned has been acceptance -- without guilt, anger, blame, or shame.  I've even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming."
We cannot control the past.  But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for ourselves and others. 

Today, I will begin being grateful for my past.  I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.

I Failed the Friend Test

Yes, I "journal."  Gay?  extremely, get over it.  But I had to work something out in my head, because i had recently exploded and continued to, much to this other person's dismay and frustration.  So much so in fact, i'm scared that the relationship we have (relax, friends only) has been permanently damaged by what i've done.  anyway, this is what i scribbled out in a frenzy today as i worked it out in my head:

Vital pieces of importance
more important to understand than be understood
like understanding how much stress ____ is under instead of going off on rants, trying to force my message across that he hurt my feelings by something he said (and triggered this whole bout of insanity). 
The harder I pushed my point/message, the more he pushed back, resistant to even listening/reading, would then continue to say hurtful shit

***stop pushing and so will he .    You did what you thought was in his best interest when he fell asleep by letting him continue to sleep.  You then took it upon yourself to take extra (and quite unnecessary) steps that, yes, were with the intent of wanting to help him that evening, but that is NOT what he asked for nor what he wanted.
When he reacted the way he did, it wasn't the reaction you had expected (unfair expectation placed on him by YOU without even knowing it) and you got upset & hurt that he didn't appreciate it all how you thought he SHOULD have. Yes, you were trying to help, but again -- not what he asked.

Continued to do more damage by taking it upon yourself to do what YOU thought was best, not what he had asked.
All of the consequences you then suffered throughout the rest of the evening should NOT be blamed on him as this was ALL A RESULT OF YOU TAKING YOUR OWN INITIATIVE SELFISHLY.  NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HAD STAYED IN ONE PLACE.  YOU SHOULDN'T BLAME HIM OR GIVE HIM THE SOB STORY AS YOU'VE ALSO REALIZED THAT IT WAS SUBCONSCIOUS / UNKNOWING ATTEMPT TO GARNER PITY FROM SOMEONE.

all you did was create more chaos and his days have been overflowing with chaos already.  while you did, truly, have the intent to help as best you can, you did nothing of the sort and, quite frankly, fucked the entire night up, for him and yourself.

****************************************************
yes, it's cliche, but each realization i had when processing the  above was like a light switch going on.and while self-enlightenment is good, this did not feel good, because i grew more and more ashamed of myself.

hopefully this can be remembered some day as one of the major "trials and tribulations" of a friendship ....but i'm really scared i was such a terrible friend that he might feel like he can no longer consider me as someone who will always be in his corner and someone who is there to help support the burden when shit gets shitty, not add to it.

Letting the Good Stuff Happen

I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable.  Sometimes, I'm afraid it won't be.  Sometimes, I'm frightened it might be.
The good stuff can scare us.  Change, even good change, can be frightening.  In some ways, good changes can be more frightening than the hard times.
The past, particularly before any recovery, may have become comfortable familiar.  We knew what to expect in our relationships.  They were predictable.  They were repeats of the same pattern -- the same behaviors, the same pain, over and over again.  They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen.
This is not so when we change patterns and begin recovering ourselves.
We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life.  Relationships would be painful.  We'd be deprived.
Each year would be almost a repeat of the last.  Sometimes it got a little worse, sometime a little better, but the change wasn't drastic.  Not until the moment when we began recovery.
Then things changed.  And the further we progress, the more we and our circumstances change.  We begin to explore uncharted territory.
Things get good.  They do get better all the time.  We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life.  One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates.
We no longer want to be a victim of life.  We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma.
Life gets good.
"How do I handle the good stuff?  It's hard and more foreign than the pain and tragedy."
The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences:  One day at a time."

The Language of the World

At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him.  When he looked into [his] dark eyes, and saw that [his] lips were poised between a laugh and silence, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke -- the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart.  It was love.  Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert.  Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well.  [He] smiled, and that was certainly an omen -- the omen he had been awaiting, without even knowing he was, for all his life....
  It was the pure Language of the World.  It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time.  What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only [man] in his life, and that, with no need for words, [he] recognized the same thing.  He was more certain of it than anything in the world.  He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed.  But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language.  Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city.  And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant.  There is only that moment, and the incredibly certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand.  It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world.  Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning. 

Accepting our Best

We don't have to do it any better than we can -- ever.
Do our best for the moment, then let it go.  If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.
We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment.  We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.
Striving for excellence is a positive quality.
Striving for perfection is self-defeating.
Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more?
Did someone always withhold approval?
There comes a time when we feel we have done our best.
When that time comes, let it go.
There are days when our best is less than we hoped for.  Let those times go too.  Start over tomorrow.  Work things through, until our best becomes better.
There is a time for constructive criticism, but if that's all we give ourselves, we'll give up.
Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy.  It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.

Today, I will do my best, then let it go.  Help me to stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.

Willing to Make Amends

How often have we, after having been hurt, wished that the person would simply recognize our pain and say, "I'm sorry"?  How often have we wished that the person would simply see us, hear us, and turn the energy of love our way?  How often have we longed for at least a change of heart, a small dose of reconciliation, in relationships tainted by unfinished business and bad feelings?  Often

Others do too.  It is no secret.  The energy of healing begins with us.  Our willingness to make amends may or may not benefit the other person; he or she may or may not be willing to put matters to rest.

But we become healed.  We become capable of love.

PRATT PORN!!!

looks like somebody I know has been up to no good.  >:]

Friendships

Most of us come to the program with few genuine friends.  And most of us arrive without the slightest understanding of what it takes to build lasting friendships.  Over time, though, we learn that friendships require work.  At one time or another, all friendships are challenging.  Like any relationship, friendship is a learning process.

Our friends love us enough to tell us the truth about ourselves.  The old saying, "The truth will set you free, but first it will make you furious," seems especially true in friendship.  This can make friendships awkward.  We may find ourselves avoiding certain meetings rather than facing our friends.  We have found, though, that friends speak out of concern for us.  They want the best for us.  Our friends accept us despite our shortcomings.  They understand that we are still a work in progress.
Friends are there for us when we're not there for ourselves.  Friends help us gain valuable perspective on the events in our lives and our recovery.  It is important that we actively cultivate friendships, for we have learned that we cannot go one alone.

Just for Today:  I will be grateful for the friends I have.  I will take an active part in my friendships.

So there =P

The Difference Between Right and Wrong

I try to make myself realize that I have learned the difference between right and wrong.  That there is such a thing as right and wrong.  But instead I've learned that these are things -- this "right," this "wrong" -- these are things that we are told.  Simply told to believe.  These are things we have not tested.  And while most of the things we are told may be true, it is not until we have tested them, taunted them, flaunted them, that we truly know they are right.  Or wrong.  Or true.  Or false.  Or somewhere-in-the-fucking-between.  And I think I know now a little better which is which.  And I also know I'll never quit testing this world.  I'll never rely on common knowledge.  Or common denominators.  Or even common sense, for that matter.  To do so would be too, well, common

--Josh Kilmer-Purcell

Friends

Don't overlook the value of friendship.  Don't neglect friends.

Friends are a joy.  Adult friendships can be a good place for us to learn to have fun and to appreciate how much fun we can have with a friend. 
Friends can be a comfort.  Who knows us better, or is more able to give support, than a good friend?  A friendship is a comfortable place to be ourselves.  Often, our choice of friends will reflect the issues we're working on.  Giving and receiving support will help both people grow. 
Some friendships wax and wane, going through cycles throughout the years.  Some trail off when one person outgrows the other.  Certainly, we will have trials and tests in friendships and, at times, be called on to practice our recovery behaviors.
But some friendships will last a lifetime.  There are special love relationships, and there are friendships.  Sometimes, our friendships can be special love relationships too.

Today, I will reach out to a friend.  I will let myself enjoy the comfort, joys, and enduring quality of my friendships

Finger F*cking to Death

You ever have a conversation with someone that has them giving you advice that has such impact and meaning to you, it's almost like getting slapped in the face?

Yeah, THAT just happened.

And she is absolutely right.  I am absolutely right where I am intended to be right now.  I need to stop finger fucking everything in my life to death, or, according to her, I am going to be a miserable fuck.  I need to stop trying to control and manipulate everything to go my way because that may not be in the Universe's design for me or in its plan.  And since we know that my best thinking got me here, we know my way and plans do not work.

Today, I need to remember to surrender, shut the hell up and take some guidance, and let the Universe work and stop trying to be in control of everything/everyone around me.

The Last Night

tonight is the last night at Bonita Vista.  i've been sick the last couple days, and the funny thing about stomach parasites is even after the first dose of the meds they give you, you instantly feel better...

and now that i'm not completely preoccupied and distracted with how shitty i feel, the rest of my feelings are coming back into the foreground now.  and i feel like i just got hit by a flood. 

i feel like i walked into this house for the first time completely naive and stupid and ignorant to how the world worked.

and i'm walking out completely warped and jaded and different.  but yet smarter all the same.
and this house has some memories of someone recent that i've been clinging on to like Kate Winslet to that fucking wooden door in the middle of the ocean.  i feel like by leaving this house he's going to fade away completely. 

i'd give anything to have that loud ass mustang fly around the corner on my last night at this godforsaken house. 

Light Reading

"We apply effort to our most obvious problems and let go of the rest.  We do the job at hand, and as we progress, new opportunities for improvement present themselves...Today, we seek solutions, not problems....When we admit that our lives have become unmanageable, we don't have to argue our point of view.  We have to accept ourselves as we are.  We no longer have to be right all the time.  When we give ourselves this freedom, we can allow others to be wrong.  Freedom to change seems to come after acceptance of ourselves...

Words mean nothing until we put them into action."

Just what I needed today.  Amen !

Identifying Fear "And Letting Go of It"

Jesus Christ, apparently somebody wrote today's daily reading entry knowing that I'd need it (and probably could've used it every day for the last 2 or 3 weeks).

******************

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear...primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.  Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.  The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone.

Peace is possible for me only when I let go of expectations.  When I'm trapped in thoughts about what I want or what should be coming to me, I'm in a state of fear and anxious anticipation and this is not conducive to emotional sobriety.  I must surrender -- over and over -- to the reality of my dependence on a Higher Power, for then I find peace, gratitude, and spiritual security

******************

How's THAT  for a bitch-slap from the clouds?

July 4th - Conflict

the reading in one of my daily readers was too good not to post on here:

**************
From time to time, we all experience conflicts.  It may be that we just can't get along with that new coworker.  Maybe our friends are driving us crazy.  Or perhaps our partner isn't living up to our expectations.  Dealing with any conflict is difficult regardless of the situation.

When tempers rise, it is often a good idea to back away from the situation until cooler minds prevail.  We can always return for further discussion when we have calmed down.  We can't avoid troubling situations, but we can use time and distance to find perspective.

Conflict is a part of life.  We can't go through it without encountering disagreements and differences of opinion.  Sometimes we can back away from these situations, taking time to reflect on them, but there always comes a time when conflict must be resolved.  When that time comes, we take a deep breath, say a prayer, and apply the principles our program has given us:  honesty, openness, responsibility, forgiveness, trust, and all the rest.  We didn't get this far to keep running from life -- and here we don't have to run anymore.

Just for Today:  I will strive to confront conflict in healthy way.

Fireworks

even with everything in between, and all the questions unanswered, and all the loose ends being left unfinished.

even with all of the truths that need to be said that aren't so as to avoid any more uncomfortable moments.

tomorrow is still the 4th of July.

and still...
 all I want is to just sit back and watch the fireworks with you. 

Harsh Reality

Things tend to start sucking a whole lot more when you realize that some of your behaviors are actually such huge defects of character and personality flaws that people practically run screaming away from you

Get Your Shit Together

So you have you heard that advice before that says if you want to achieve something or if you have a goal/goals, to write them down and place them somewhere conspicuous?  That way by constantly seeing it you're reminded of where your efforts should be or what you want to manifest.

I made one of those this week.  And I've found myself in a deadlock stare for long stretches of time after the way shit went down this week.

Here's my list, titled, "Get Your Shit Together and Handle Your Business"

Get a fucking job
Clean up my thinking and try to stop being so fucking selfish and self-centered
GET A JOB
Stop letting my emotions dictate my actions
Get back into a regular routine including the gym
Attend more meetings

****
Because I realized a really harsh truth as a result of this week.  A close friend of mine told this to me, but it didn't sink in until all the dust settled:

I have absolutely nothing to offer to anyone right now.  Who WOULD want to be around me?

So, handle your shit.

Please

Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away Please don't go away

Work Histories

As some of you may know, I do not believe in god in anyway.  That is not to say, however, that I do not believe in some concept of "the universe" and that shit happens, pops up, occurs, makes itself present, not present, or introduces itself (or himself, ahem) at certain times in your life for certain reasons.  Sometimes this happens in little seemingly insignificant tidbits in your day -- basically just what happened to me when I opened one of my daily readers.  Definitely needed to read this this morning.  Perfect timing Universe.  Thanks bitch, much love.

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Just as we have relationship histories, most of us have work histories.
Just as we have a present circumstance to accept and deal with in our relationship life, we have a present circumstance to deal with and accept in our work life.
Just as we develop a healthy attitude toward our relationship history --- one that will help us learn and move forward --  we can develop a healthy attitude toward our work history.
I have worked many jobs in my life...Just as I have learned many things about myself through my relationships, I have learned many lessons through my work.  Often, these lessons run parallel to the lessons I'm learning in other areas of my life.
I have worked at jobs I hated but was temporarily dependent on.  I have gotten stuck in jobs because I was afraid to strike out on my own and find my next set of circumstances. 
I have been in some jobs to develop skills.  Sometimes, I didn't know I was developing those skills until later on when they became an important part of the career of my choice.
I have worked at jobs where I have felt victimized, where I felt like I gave and received nothing in return.  I have been in relationships where I manufactured similar feelings.
I have worked at some jobs that have taught me what I absolutely didn't want; others sparked in me an idea of what I really did want and deserve in my career.
Some of my jobs have helped me develop character; others have helped me fine-tune my skills....I have learned that none of my careers or career changes were mistakes and no job was a wasted time.  I have learned something from each job, and my work history has helped create who I am...The more I refused to lose my soul to a job and worked at it because I wanted to and not for the paycheck, the less victimized I felt by my career, even those jobs that paid a meager salary.  The more I set goals and took responsibility for achieving the career I wanted, the more I could decide whether a particular job fit into the scheme of things.  I could understand why I was working at a particular job and how that was going to benefit me.  There were times I looked around and wondered why I was where I was.  There were times people thought I should be someplace different.  But when I looked into myself I knew I was in the right place, for the moment...Sometimes, I felt like a failure.  But I learned this:  if I stayed true to myself, I never had to fear where I was being led.  I've learned I'm responsible for setting my boundaries and establishing what I believe I deserve.  I've learned that I'm not stuck or trapped in a job no more than I am in a relationship.  I have choices.  I may not be able to see them clearly right now, but I do have choices.  I've learned that if I really want to take care of myself in a particular way on a job, I will do that.  And if I really want to be victimized by a job, I will allow that to happen to.  

I am responsible for my choices, and I have choices.
Above all else, I've learned to accept and trust my present circumstances at work.  That does not mean to submit; it does not mean to forego boundaries.  It means to trust, accept, then take care of myself the best I am able to on any given day.

Control

Sometimes I need to remember to stop exerting so much effort and thought on controlling a situation and it's outcome.  I've recently been reminded that when I do that, shit gets all fucked up because I'm trying to guide, steer, modify, shape, twist, and influence everything to how I see fit, regardless of if I'm taking into account and accepting of all things in front of me and taking others into account.

Sometimes you just need to fucking shut up, sit back, let go, and let the universe unfold its story for itself.

You'd be surprised at how things turn out. 

What If?

This was so heavy that I had to post it up here.  Enjoy

I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do.  Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do.
"What if he doesn't handle it very well?"  I asked.
"Then," my friend replied, "you're going to have to handle it well."
"What if's" can make us crazy.  They put control over our life in someone else's hands.  "What if's" are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.
"What if's" are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what's best for us.  These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear.
The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don't have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction.  We don't need to control how others react to our choices.  We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome -- even the most uncomfortable.  And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well.

Today, I will not worry about other people's reactions, or events outside of my control.  Instead, I will focus on my reactions.  I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

Permanent State of Bereavement

After a while, Trism managed to say, "Are you sure you can fly in this condition?"

"What condition is that?  I've been in this condition my whole life."  Liir answered.  "It's the only condition I know.  Bitter love, loneliness, contempt for corruption, blind hope.  It's where I live.  A permanent state of bereavement.  This is nothing new."

 

Handle Your Shit

Ever read something and then feel like what you just read reached up off the page and bitch slapped you hard right in the mouth?  Yeah, well here's what did it to me this morning:

"For some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives...Our ability to remain open-minded disappears.  We may become angry and resentful toward anyone or anything.  We may being to reject those who were close to us.  We isolate ourselves.  We become sick of ourselves in a short time."

Well...that just summed up my last 2 weeks in a nut-shell.

Stop the pity-party and go handle your shit.

Forgiveness or Stupidity

Ever encounter a situation where you and another individual have a spat, but end up reuniting and moving forward with your friendship?  But then you have that moment where you're replaying events and paying attention to how you feel, and you can't help but to stop and ask yourself...

Am I really practicing new found levels of forgiveness that I used to condemn the entire world's wrong doings to hell for (and thus continuing to grow as a person?)

Or am I being naive and not paying attention to facts and setting myself up to repeat the same mistake and expecting different results (being the definition of insanity)

Hmmm..

We'll see. 

Playing the part of victim will be...

When you're actually sitting in the thicket of that particular feeling, it's hard to imagine that you'll not feel that way and actually be able to get moving to move forward and handle business.  But yesterday, I was thrown a little curve ball and was launched full into self-pity "God hates me" "it isn't fair" Victim mode.

Unfortunately, this feeling has a chain reaction affect on everything else you feel/do/act upon afterwards and, for me at least, I was pretty much paralyzed into being totally unmotivated, completely helpless, and "accepting" the then-apparent reality that I just must be alive only to suffer.

But thanks to some of the things I picked up over the last year, including being able to objectively look at whatever role my actions have played into the way things develop and also recognizing what it takes as far as action and foot-work goes if I want something to change, I was able to get out of that funk and today I am happy to report that playing the role of victim is GROSSLY unattractive, not productive, and most of the time, inaccurate in that it is a skewed sense of reality.

I was not and am not the "victim of circumstance" in this situation and this is a firm reminder that everything you do, don't do, say, don't say, act on, or don't act on -- all have consequences.  Sometimes those consequences might be immediate in coming to fruition, but sometimes they may not come around until later, making them all the harder to identify as far as being able to look at them objectively and tied to who did what.  I always have a role or part to play in my day, and by looking at what that role has been and can be, it will help to come into acceptance of whatever situation I find myself in and then help me to act in the best way.

Round 2?

I think I may start blogging here again.  As therapeutic as writing in my actual journal is (as well as it being the "endorsed" method I'm supposed to use) I find that once my fingers start moving over the keys the thoughts tend to flow a bit more freely and the mental/emotional/spiritual/psychological diarrhea just comes pouring out.

Gross right?

We'll see.  Not like anyone reads anyway, but I realized that this is for me, not anyone else.  so THERE. =P

Oops!

"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."

Mistakes!  We all know how it feels to make them.  Many of us feel that our entire lives have been a mistake.  We often regard our mistakes with shame or guilt -- at the very least, with frustration and impatience.  We tend to see mistakes as evidence that we are still sick, crazy, stupid or too damaged to recover.

In truth, mistakes are a very vital and important part of being human.  For particularly stubborn people (such as us), mistakes are often our best teachers.  There is no shame in making mistakes.  In fact, making new mistakes often shows our willingness to take risks and grow.

It's helpful though, if we learn from our mistakes; repeating the same ones may be a sign that we're stuck.  And expecting different results from the same old mistakes -- well, that's what we call "insanity."  It just doesn't work.

Just for today:  Mistakes aren't tragedies.  But please, help me learn from them!

Just For Today

I haven't made a post on here since last summer before everything imploded, so logging back into where I was keeping a log of the chaos of my self-destruction and slow self induced death is stirring up quite a bit of shit.  But I'm going to forgo even reading any of the posts I made in the crystal haze I was in and take this opportunity to be of service to someone I love.  I found this pamphlet on my desk and remembered its message and realized that someone should definitely give it a read.  So, here you go:

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When we came into the program, we made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of a Higher Power.  This surrender relieves the burden of the past and the fear of the future.  The gift of today is now in proper perspective.  We accept and enjoy life as it is right now.  When we refuse to accept the reality of today, we are denying our faith in our Higher Power. This can only bring more suffering. 

We learn that today is a gift with no guarantees. With this in mind, the insignificance of the past and future, and the importance of our actions today, become real for us. This simplifies our lives.

When we focus our thoughts on today the nightmare of drugs fades away, overshadowed by the dawn of a new reality.  We find that, when we are troubled, we can trust our feelings to another recovering addict.  In sharing our past with other addicts we discover we are not unique, that we share common bonds.  Talking to other members, whether to share the trials and tribulations of our day with them or allowing them to share theirs with us, is a way our Higher Power works through us.

We have no need to fear if today we stay clean, close to our Higher Power and our friends.  God has forgiven us of our past mistakes, and tomorrow is not yet here.  Meditation and a personal inventory will help us gain serenity and guidance throughout this day.  We take a few moments out of our daily routine to thank our God, as we understand God, for giving us the ability to cope with today.

"Just for today" applies to all areas of our lives, not just abstinence from drugs.  Reality has to be dealt with on a daily basis.  Many of us feel that God expects no more of us than to do the things that we are able to do today.

Working the program has given us a new outlook on our lives. Today, we no longer need to make excuses for who we are.  Our daily contact with a Higher Power fills the empty places inside that could never be filled before.  We find fulfillment in living today.  With our Higher Power guiding us we lose the desire to use.  Perfection is no longer a goal today, we can achieve adequacy.

We can replace loneliness and fear with the love of fellowship and the security of a new way of life.  We never have to be alone again.  In our friends and fellowship, we have made more true friends than we ever believed possible.  Self-pity and resentments are replaced by tolerance and faith.  We are given the freedom, serenity, and happiness we so desperately sought.

A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive.  If we do not take the time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.  Our principles for living will guide us in recovery when we use them.  We find it necessary to continue to do so on a daily basis.

Love you N

xoxo

M