Well, it's New Year's Eve. 2014 is finally coming to a close. I've gotta say: the majority of this year was shitty. I've bounced around between 2 different sober living houses, had a suicide attempt, lived with that psychopath Tommy for 2 months, lived with my mom for 2 months, had several relapses all throughout the year...But these last few months and all the blessings that have come with it have almost made it all worth it. God has bestowed my with so many gifts and blessings that it has made me appreciate all the bad stuff even more because it makes me even more grateful for the good stuff I have now. OH, and EDC this year too, I'm super grateful for that of course lol.
Overall, I'm safe, healthy, and happy at this, the close of 2014 and I thank my Higher Power for watching my back at every moment of this year. So many blessings and gifts have been granted to me as this year wound down and for the first time in a long time I can honestly say that today, with where I'm at...I'm happy. I'm clean and sober, I'm safe, I'm healthy, I have wonderful people in my life, I have an amazing Sponsor, I could go on and on, but I'm just going to close with this: 2014 has been crazy, both good and bad. But I can't wait to see what 2015 has in store for me.
Happy New Year everybody.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Here Comes NYE
Again, I'm up entirely too early. I wonder if it's because I'm going to bed so early? I went to sleep around 9/9:30 last night so I technically did get enough sleep, but still -- I have no reason to be awake at this hour. Also, it's fucking COLD out!!! Almost too cold for a cigarette. But I'm committed, a little frost in the air won't deter me from killing my lungs.
Otherwise, I feel like there's this anticipation building in lieu of New Year's Eve. I don't know why though. I'm probably not even going to be awake for the countdown and neither is my mom. We're both usually asleep before 10 PM, so I doubt we'll make it to the countdown. I do have some resolutions though and one of them is getting back to the gym and losing some of this fucking weight. My sponsor said he'd go to the gym with me so that'll be some added motivation and support.
As for my new curtains that I posted about yesterday -- they're working out wonderfully. They block out the sun...most of it anyway, but it sucks because I haven't been able to tell if they'll keep me asleep or not since I've been waking up so goddamn early! DUMB.
Otherwise, I feel like there's this anticipation building in lieu of New Year's Eve. I don't know why though. I'm probably not even going to be awake for the countdown and neither is my mom. We're both usually asleep before 10 PM, so I doubt we'll make it to the countdown. I do have some resolutions though and one of them is getting back to the gym and losing some of this fucking weight. My sponsor said he'd go to the gym with me so that'll be some added motivation and support.
As for my new curtains that I posted about yesterday -- they're working out wonderfully. They block out the sun...most of it anyway, but it sucks because I haven't been able to tell if they'll keep me asleep or not since I've been waking up so goddamn early! DUMB.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Moving On - December 29
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief
-Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. it requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourselves enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people -- in love, family, friendships, and work -- when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. if I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
-Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. it requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourselves enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people -- in love, family, friendships, and work -- when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. if I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
5 AM? Really?
What the fuck am I doing up so early? I woke up at 5 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't stay up late, not like I did Saturday night for Evangelion (thank God, I couldn't have done that 2 nights in a row).
I had another great day yesterday. Mom came over for lunch, we hung out at my apartment for a bit then we went to Michael's to buy a frame for this vintage Star Wars comic book I found in one of my boxes in mom's garage. The comic is from 1977! I could sell it and try to make some money off it but I decided to frame it and keep it because it's got history...and it's really cool. After that we went and bought curtains and then went to her house real quick to pick up an extra curtain rod she had laying around. Then we took all our findings back to my place and installed the rod and curtains over the window in my room. The blue of the curtains matches my blanket perfectly and it's going to block out the morning light of sunrise which, usually, wakes me up.
I'm also excited because I talked to my Sponsor yesterday and I got the go ahead to get started working on my Steps again. I'm super excited to get started writing and to re-learn things about myself.
I had another great day yesterday. Mom came over for lunch, we hung out at my apartment for a bit then we went to Michael's to buy a frame for this vintage Star Wars comic book I found in one of my boxes in mom's garage. The comic is from 1977! I could sell it and try to make some money off it but I decided to frame it and keep it because it's got history...and it's really cool. After that we went and bought curtains and then went to her house real quick to pick up an extra curtain rod she had laying around. Then we took all our findings back to my place and installed the rod and curtains over the window in my room. The blue of the curtains matches my blanket perfectly and it's going to block out the morning light of sunrise which, usually, wakes me up.
I'm also excited because I talked to my Sponsor yesterday and I got the go ahead to get started working on my Steps again. I'm super excited to get started writing and to re-learn things about myself.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Panic
Don't panic!
If panic strikes we do not have to allow it to control our behaviors. Behaviors controlled by panic tend to be self-defeating. No matter what the situation or circumstance, panic is usually not a good foundation. No matter what the situation or circumstance, we usually have at least a moment to breathe deeply and restore our serenity and peace.
We don't have to do more than we can reasonably do -- ever! We don't have to do something we absolutely cannot do or cannot learn to do!
This program, this healthy way of life we are seeking, is built on a foundation of peace and quiet confidence -- in ourselves, in our Higher Power, in the recovery process.
Do not panic. That takes us away from the path. Relax. Breathe deeply. Let peace flow through our body and mind. From this base, our Source shall supply the necessary resources.
Today, I will treat panic as a separate issue that needs immediate attention. I will refuse to allow panicky thoughts and feelings to motivate me. Instead, I will let peace and trust motivate my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
If panic strikes we do not have to allow it to control our behaviors. Behaviors controlled by panic tend to be self-defeating. No matter what the situation or circumstance, panic is usually not a good foundation. No matter what the situation or circumstance, we usually have at least a moment to breathe deeply and restore our serenity and peace.
We don't have to do more than we can reasonably do -- ever! We don't have to do something we absolutely cannot do or cannot learn to do!
This program, this healthy way of life we are seeking, is built on a foundation of peace and quiet confidence -- in ourselves, in our Higher Power, in the recovery process.
Do not panic. That takes us away from the path. Relax. Breathe deeply. Let peace flow through our body and mind. From this base, our Source shall supply the necessary resources.
Today, I will treat panic as a separate issue that needs immediate attention. I will refuse to allow panicky thoughts and feelings to motivate me. Instead, I will let peace and trust motivate my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
You Are [Not] Alone and You Can [Not] Advance
So I got crazy last night. I decided to stay up late and didn't go to bed until 2 AM. But I had a damn good reason: Toonami on [adult swim] was airing the re-makes of Neon Genesis: Evangelion: 1.11 You Are [Not] Alone and 2.22 You Can [Not] Advance. At first I thought they were just going to air the first movie, but at the first commercial break after 1.11 started they showed a fucking epic commercial that said they were airing 2.22 right after so I was not only surprised but I sort of flipped the fuck out in my excitement.
Both movies were INSANE. Psychologically deep, thought provoking, INTENSE, and gloriously bloody. It was definitely a push outside of my comfort zone to stay up that late but it was SO worth it. I haven't sat down and watched a full anime in years and it felt good (and still feels good today) to have done something I enjoy so much. Sure, I may have slept in until almost noon, but I never have anything pressing to do on Sundays so I think I'm going to make this my new Saturday night routine: Suze Orman at 6 PM, then Toonami on [adult swim] at 9 PM for a few hours for whatever movie is on or for a few shows until I tire out and go to bed.
Both movies were INSANE. Psychologically deep, thought provoking, INTENSE, and gloriously bloody. It was definitely a push outside of my comfort zone to stay up that late but it was SO worth it. I haven't sat down and watched a full anime in years and it felt good (and still feels good today) to have done something I enjoy so much. Sure, I may have slept in until almost noon, but I never have anything pressing to do on Sundays so I think I'm going to make this my new Saturday night routine: Suze Orman at 6 PM, then Toonami on [adult swim] at 9 PM for a few hours for whatever movie is on or for a few shows until I tire out and go to bed.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Near The Top - December 27
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger, sometimes fear.
Things went wrong -- more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy, that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident -- the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising -- has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret -- they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long, either -- did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know -- the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earthy. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God, understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger, sometimes fear.
Things went wrong -- more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy, that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident -- the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising -- has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret -- they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long, either -- did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know -- the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earthy. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God, understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
2014 Christmas Re-Cap
Christmas this year was truly wonderful. I spent the night at my mom's house Christmas Eve and we each opened 1 present early that night. Then on Christmas morning we opened all the rest of the presents we had for each other. I got my mom "Eat Pray Love" on DVD because she loves that movie and also I found this beautiful clay statue called "Guardian" and it depicted a mother holding her baby. As for me, I got a bunch of clothes (much needed, especially since I've gained weight and hardly any of my old clothes fit me anymore; sad but true). I also got a couple of gift cards. We then spent the rest of the day making food, eating, and napping (FOOD COMA!!!). Overall, Christmas Day itself was wonderful. We even made it to a meeting at 10:30 AM so I got some recovery in too.
Yesterday, after breakfast, mom and I had boxed up all the clothes that didn't fit me and we took them down to the Las Vegas Rescue Mission and donated all of them. Then we spent the rest of the day store hopping, shopping, and we even got a pedicure too (yes, we got fabulous, hate all you want, my feet are pretty). I'm also super excited because we went to DSW and I bought a new pair of Chucks! They didn't have them in store so they ordered them online in the store for me and they are going to be mailed directly to me. I finished off the day by hitting the 6 PM meeting in Summerlin and it turned out to be a GOOD meeting. Overall, Christmas this year was great and I have so much to be grateful for and so many amazing people in my life supporting me. I couldn't and wouldn't be here where I am without this Program, my mom, my Sponsor, or my God. Thank you Universe. Can I get an amen?
Yesterday, after breakfast, mom and I had boxed up all the clothes that didn't fit me and we took them down to the Las Vegas Rescue Mission and donated all of them. Then we spent the rest of the day store hopping, shopping, and we even got a pedicure too (yes, we got fabulous, hate all you want, my feet are pretty). I'm also super excited because we went to DSW and I bought a new pair of Chucks! They didn't have them in store so they ordered them online in the store for me and they are going to be mailed directly to me. I finished off the day by hitting the 6 PM meeting in Summerlin and it turned out to be a GOOD meeting. Overall, Christmas this year was great and I have so much to be grateful for and so many amazing people in my life supporting me. I couldn't and wouldn't be here where I am without this Program, my mom, my Sponsor, or my God. Thank you Universe. Can I get an amen?
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Christmas Eve
It's Christmas Eve! I can't believe how fast Christmas rolled up on us this year. I feel bad for everyone who still is out there shopping because I'm sure it's fucking bat-shit crazy out in stores right now. Personally, I'm super excited for tonight. Mom's picking me up on her way home from work and I'm spending the night at her house.
Also, last night I went to the Ethel M. Chocolate Factory with S_____ and J_______ and got to see all the lights and set up which were really cool and I took a shit-ton of photos.
Additionally, I have to say: even before seeing what presents Santa has gotten me this year, Christmas has been absolutely wonderful. I've sent out Christmas cards, I got presents for my mom, and I've been reminded of the tons of things I have to be grateful for and am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life. While this year, overall, has been crazy and turbulent, the holiday season has found me well, blessed, fortunate, prosperous, and very happy.
Also, last night I went to the Ethel M. Chocolate Factory with S_____ and J_______ and got to see all the lights and set up which were really cool and I took a shit-ton of photos.
Additionally, I have to say: even before seeing what presents Santa has gotten me this year, Christmas has been absolutely wonderful. I've sent out Christmas cards, I got presents for my mom, and I've been reminded of the tons of things I have to be grateful for and am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life. While this year, overall, has been crazy and turbulent, the holiday season has found me well, blessed, fortunate, prosperous, and very happy.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
12/23/2014
I can't believe I'm up this early. Usually I'm at this hour because I'm still awake from the night before. I woke up at 6am, looked at the time and was just completely awake and alert and decided I might as well roll with it and get up. I was able to talk to mom before she went into work too so that was a treat.
Yesterday, I finally finished the last book in The Dark Tower series (may it do ya fine, say thank ya) and I'm a little disappointed that it's over. I don't really have any upcoming books that I was looking forward to as much as I was for this last book.
I attended an online meeting yesterday too on InTheRooms.com and it was pretty good. I'm probably going to do it again at 10am. I'm already planning on going to a meeting at 5:30 with S_____, so 2 meetings in 1 day definitely can't hurt.
Yesterday, I finally finished the last book in The Dark Tower series (may it do ya fine, say thank ya) and I'm a little disappointed that it's over. I don't really have any upcoming books that I was looking forward to as much as I was for this last book.
I attended an online meeting yesterday too on InTheRooms.com and it was pretty good. I'm probably going to do it again at 10am. I'm already planning on going to a meeting at 5:30 with S_____, so 2 meetings in 1 day definitely can't hurt.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Weekend Review
Yesterday was so much fun. I ended up spending almost 8 hours out and about with mom shopping, going out to eat (we went to Cheesecake Factory for the first time in what felt like years) and I just got to enjoy her company and we had the best day. I also went to Michael's and got what I needed for my art project (I needed some sort of canvas to work with) and I also got a portfolio folder to keep all my work in and got some different blade pattern scissors. We went to the library too and I got a shit-ton of new books to read now that I'm almost finished with the Dark Tower series (O Discordia! Say thank ya). I finished off the day playing God of War then spending 2 hours getting the art project started and it's turning out exactly like I envisioned it in my head, only better. Overall, I give this weekend an A. :-)
Sunday, December 21, 2014
12/21/14
It's so weird being up this early and not having it be because I'm still up from the night before. I'm rested, I got plenty of sleep, and I'm not a cracked out mess. I've come a long way in just 2 short weeks. This morning I had a treat too because the first person to text me was J_____ and we did a FaceTime Chat and smoked a cigarette together. I miss her and I think we need to see each other soon.
As for today, I'm excited to get the day rolling. Mom's picking me up at 9 and then we're hitting Starbucks, Ross, Wal-Mart, and Michael's so I can get my next art project underway. I think we're going to the library too at some point today which means MORE BOOKS!!!!!!! SCORE! #bookswin
As for today, I'm excited to get the day rolling. Mom's picking me up at 9 and then we're hitting Starbucks, Ross, Wal-Mart, and Michael's so I can get my next art project underway. I think we're going to the library too at some point today which means MORE BOOKS!!!!!!! SCORE! #bookswin
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Dec. 20 - Expectations of Others
It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met. We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe -- not one particular person -- to be our source.
It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request. We are responsible for asking what we want and need. it's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request. If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
There's a difference between asking and demanding. We want love that is freely given.
It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs. Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
It is reasonable to have certain and well-defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person. We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request. We are responsible for asking what we want and need. it's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request. If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
There's a difference between asking and demanding. We want love that is freely given.
It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs. Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
It is reasonable to have certain and well-defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person. We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
90 in 90
So working on my 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days)has proved to be fun. Challenging at times (when looking for a ride) but overall this week was a success. I've made it to a meeting every day except Tuesday and that includes today (going to a noon meeting with the Sponsor and his lady). It's good too because I feel connected again and I'm not isolating like I was when this whole mess started.
I'm also starting to get back into my hobbies and things that I enjoy doing now that I'm not spending hours sitting on my couch cracked the fuck out doing absolutely nothing productive. Like yesterday: I finally sat down and turned on my PS3 and spent some time playing God of War: Ascension. And it was only for about an hour, but it was fucking awesome. I haven't played for over a month because when I'm twacked out I don't have the concentration or patience for that shit! But yesterday, even though it was for that short amount of time, I had a fucking blast. Am planning on logging in some more time with Kratos today. I also go an idea for my next art project. I'm not gonna spoil the surprise and go into details just yet but all I'm gonna say is I need to take a trip to Michael's some time over the weekend to get what I need. Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm also starting to get back into my hobbies and things that I enjoy doing now that I'm not spending hours sitting on my couch cracked the fuck out doing absolutely nothing productive. Like yesterday: I finally sat down and turned on my PS3 and spent some time playing God of War: Ascension. And it was only for about an hour, but it was fucking awesome. I haven't played for over a month because when I'm twacked out I don't have the concentration or patience for that shit! But yesterday, even though it was for that short amount of time, I had a fucking blast. Am planning on logging in some more time with Kratos today. I also go an idea for my next art project. I'm not gonna spoil the surprise and go into details just yet but all I'm gonna say is I need to take a trip to Michael's some time over the weekend to get what I need. Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, December 19, 2014
Ho Ho Ho Bitches
It's Friday. Had a pretty good week. I made it to a meeting every day this week except for Tuesday. This was my first week feeling normal again too. Monday was my first day feeling human again. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or because the dope is getting stronger (probably because I'm getting older) but this last go-around left me fucking FRIED. My synapses, nerves, hell....my entire Central Nervous System was shot to shit.
I've also noticed how "in the spirit" I am this year for Christmas. Between having money to buy my mom presents, and sending out all the Christmas cards I sent out, for me, it really feels like Christmas this year for the first time in at least 3 years. In 2011 I was just coming out of rehab; 2012 I wasw back out smoking meth and in that nightmare relationship with Andrew; 2013 I was in that stupid God-forsaken Sober Living House, so this is the first year in 3 years that I actually am "in the spirit" of the holidays. It's pretty awesome.
As for today, I'm probably going to clean my bathroom (it needs it), play some God of War: Ascension (I haven't played in over a month, maybe 2), and possible re-shave my head (if I can build up the motivation to actually do it). Then, later tonight, I'm going to a meeting at 6. Hope everyone has a good day. =)
I've also noticed how "in the spirit" I am this year for Christmas. Between having money to buy my mom presents, and sending out all the Christmas cards I sent out, for me, it really feels like Christmas this year for the first time in at least 3 years. In 2011 I was just coming out of rehab; 2012 I wasw back out smoking meth and in that nightmare relationship with Andrew; 2013 I was in that stupid God-forsaken Sober Living House, so this is the first year in 3 years that I actually am "in the spirit" of the holidays. It's pretty awesome.
As for today, I'm probably going to clean my bathroom (it needs it), play some God of War: Ascension (I haven't played in over a month, maybe 2), and possible re-shave my head (if I can build up the motivation to actually do it). Then, later tonight, I'm going to a meeting at 6. Hope everyone has a good day. =)
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Christmas Cheer
It actually feels like Christmas this year. I can't explain it. Maybe because I've actually had money to do Christmas shopping (which, btw, is almost done. I just have to get over to Best Buy at some point to get a certain DVD for a certain mom). I also sent out a shit-ton of Christmas cards yesterday to a list, my list, of people important to me and nearest and dearest to my heart this year. Writing them all out and dropping them in the mail definitely contributed to my feelings of "Christmas cheer." SHIT!!! As I'm writing this I remembered one more person I forgot. Luckily I still have cards left. :-)
On a sad note, today is December 18. Would've been Grandma's birthday. I miss her tons and am kinda sad this morning. Her resting place is out in California and my aunt is going to visit her today and I told her to say hi for me and that I love her and miss her. I'm sure she knows, but a reminder wouldn't hurt.
Other than that, I'm good. Woke up with a brain-splitting headache but the Tylenol is kicking in. M Sponsor is coming to get me at 10 so we can hit a meeting at 10:30 so, so far today is looking A-okay.
On a sad note, today is December 18. Would've been Grandma's birthday. I miss her tons and am kinda sad this morning. Her resting place is out in California and my aunt is going to visit her today and I told her to say hi for me and that I love her and miss her. I'm sure she knows, but a reminder wouldn't hurt.
Other than that, I'm good. Woke up with a brain-splitting headache but the Tylenol is kicking in. M Sponsor is coming to get me at 10 so we can hit a meeting at 10:30 so, so far today is looking A-okay.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Morning Wah Wah's
Ugh. I haven't been up this early since...wait, unless you can count still being up from the night before, haha. I can't bitch too much though considering the reason I'm up this early. I have my briefing appointment with the Housing Authority this morning. The briefing appointment is for them to go over what kind of rental assistance I'm going to be receiving. So...a company is going to help pay the majority of my rent? Can't complain on that one. Luxury complaints! I just need my peppermint mocha and all will be well.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Addiction Vs. Addiction
Day 11. I've got a psychiatrist appointment today. Just a routine follow up on all my meds and to get all my prescriptions refilled.
Also, a friend messaged me last night (to maintain anonymity here, let's just call this person 4), and 4 said that he's supportive in my efforts to get and stay clean. He also, however, said that "it seems like I'm addicted to my recovery more than I'm addicted to the actual drug." It bothered me for a little bit but after sleeping on it and reading the message again I realized that that may be entirely true, but I'd rather be addicted to my recovery and maintaining a sane and stable life as opposed to being addicted to a substance and slowly killing myself and letting my life spiral out of control. I'll take this addiction ANY DAY over the other.
Also, a friend messaged me last night (to maintain anonymity here, let's just call this person 4), and 4 said that he's supportive in my efforts to get and stay clean. He also, however, said that "it seems like I'm addicted to my recovery more than I'm addicted to the actual drug." It bothered me for a little bit but after sleeping on it and reading the message again I realized that that may be entirely true, but I'd rather be addicted to my recovery and maintaining a sane and stable life as opposed to being addicted to a substance and slowly killing myself and letting my life spiral out of control. I'll take this addiction ANY DAY over the other.
Monday, December 15, 2014
12/15/2014
I haven't written in a few days. To be totally honest: this detox has been rougher than I thought it'd be. I haven't been able to keep a coherent thought or keep my focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. I've been all over the place, including having a couple of panic attacks. Even sitting down to write this is requiring effort. But I haven't copped. I've stuck to my guns and today is day 10. I've just been eating and sleeping a lot. I've also made it a point to reach out to people every day so that I'm not alone and stuck with my own thoughts for too long. Still no word from A_____y either. I emailed him today asking for my key to the apartment back but no response has come yet. I really wanted to maintain a friendship with him but if I want to stay clean it doesn't look like that's a possibility. The people who have remained in contact with me and are supporting me have made themselves known. And I'm alright with that and with who's remained. To all those people: you know who you are. Thank you for the love and support and your kindness, especially during this time when I need it most. I feel like the only thing I can focus on right now is not picking up and you guys are loving me when I'm not in any position to do it for myself.
I was able to make it to a meeting today and I had "arts and crafts" time when I got home. It's been fun reconnecting with things that I enjoy, including writing. Hopefully I can get back in the saddle and continue writing daily now.
I was able to make it to a meeting today and I had "arts and crafts" time when I got home. It's been fun reconnecting with things that I enjoy, including writing. Hopefully I can get back in the saddle and continue writing daily now.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Return of the Anxiety Attacks
Day 6.
Yesterday ended up being really bad as far as withdrawals go. I had 2 panic attacks and tried writing to focus my thoughts and get my thinking under control. It didn't work.
My Writings look like the ramblings of a crazy person; the page was filled with illegible scribbles and gibberish and at one point you can't even make out what I was trying to write. I can only pray that I don't have another attack today. I have to keep myself occupied and in contact with my friends/support group.
I did start reading The Dark Tower and it's really good so far. I also need to make sure I keep myself busy today like with my arts and crafts project and talking to my friends so I'm not left alone with my own thoughts.
Yesterday ended up being really bad as far as withdrawals go. I had 2 panic attacks and tried writing to focus my thoughts and get my thinking under control. It didn't work.
My Writings look like the ramblings of a crazy person; the page was filled with illegible scribbles and gibberish and at one point you can't even make out what I was trying to write. I can only pray that I don't have another attack today. I have to keep myself occupied and in contact with my friends/support group.
I did start reading The Dark Tower and it's really good so far. I also need to make sure I keep myself busy today like with my arts and crafts project and talking to my friends so I'm not left alone with my own thoughts.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
December 10, 2014
Day 5
I'm starting to feel better and get over this whole cough/upper respiratory infection thing, but this detox gig is still kicking my ass. I just woke up from sleeping over 14 hours and I'm STILL exhausted. I have no motivation or energy to do anything and even making my bed was a fucking chore and was absolutely grueling. I need to work up the drive to do the things I know I need to do to take care of myself but all I want to do is lay down. I started with the first positive action of the day and started making my rounds of texting people and reaching out to everyone on my list. That's helped a lot and has gotten me talking instead of just isolating. I know I need to find a ride to a meeting though and also start writing on my Step 1 again. My efforts of building and fostering a support group, however, have definitely been successful and are paying off just like the program says it would: when 1 person is busy or doesn't answer, I've got others who do answer and are available and I'm not just relying 100% on Shaun or Brenda, I've got a whole network of people I can turn to and talk to so I don't isolate in my apartment and then bitch about being alone.
Some sad news, though: it looks like my friendship with A_____y isn't going to last. We had originally made an agreement to get clean together, but yesterday we talked and he was already trying to score again. While I don't judge him for not continuing on this journey of trying to get clean with me, I don't see us continuing on any level of friendship if we're not anywhere on the same page anymore. His focus is still scoring, getting high, and staying/maintaining that high, and mine is getting clean and putting distance between dope and myself and bettering myself as a person and getting some stability and growth in my life. And Shaun said it best: "he'll get me high before I manage to get him clean," and I'm not letting somebody else's disease take me out. If I go down it will be my own disease, my own addiction that has me pick up again, NOT somebody else's. So I may have to let him go so he can do his own thing and I can do mine. That makes me sad, but there's no other alternative if I want to stay clean and in recovery.
I'm starting to feel better and get over this whole cough/upper respiratory infection thing, but this detox gig is still kicking my ass. I just woke up from sleeping over 14 hours and I'm STILL exhausted. I have no motivation or energy to do anything and even making my bed was a fucking chore and was absolutely grueling. I need to work up the drive to do the things I know I need to do to take care of myself but all I want to do is lay down. I started with the first positive action of the day and started making my rounds of texting people and reaching out to everyone on my list. That's helped a lot and has gotten me talking instead of just isolating. I know I need to find a ride to a meeting though and also start writing on my Step 1 again. My efforts of building and fostering a support group, however, have definitely been successful and are paying off just like the program says it would: when 1 person is busy or doesn't answer, I've got others who do answer and are available and I'm not just relying 100% on Shaun or Brenda, I've got a whole network of people I can turn to and talk to so I don't isolate in my apartment and then bitch about being alone.
Some sad news, though: it looks like my friendship with A_____y isn't going to last. We had originally made an agreement to get clean together, but yesterday we talked and he was already trying to score again. While I don't judge him for not continuing on this journey of trying to get clean with me, I don't see us continuing on any level of friendship if we're not anywhere on the same page anymore. His focus is still scoring, getting high, and staying/maintaining that high, and mine is getting clean and putting distance between dope and myself and bettering myself as a person and getting some stability and growth in my life. And Shaun said it best: "he'll get me high before I manage to get him clean," and I'm not letting somebody else's disease take me out. If I go down it will be my own disease, my own addiction that has me pick up again, NOT somebody else's. So I may have to let him go so he can do his own thing and I can do mine. That makes me sad, but there's no other alternative if I want to stay clean and in recovery.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
December 9 / Asking For Help
Asking for Help December 9
It's okay to ask for help.
One of the most absurd things we do to ourselves is not asking for the help we need from a friend, a family member, our Higher Power, or the appropriate resource.
We don't have to struggle through feelings and problems alone. We can ask for help from our Higher Power and for support and encouragement from our friends.
Whether what we need is information, encouragement, a hand, a word, a hug, someone who will listen, or a ride, we can ask. We can ask people for what we need from them. We can ask God for what we need from God.
It is self-defeating to not ask for the help we need. It keeps us stuck. If we ask long and hard enough, if we direct our request to the right source, we'll get the help we need.
There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her. We can be straightforward and let others choose whether to help us or not. If the answer is no, we can deal with that.
It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people. It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us. It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need.
"My problem is shame," said one woman. "I wanted to ask for help in dealing with it, but I was too ashamed. Isn't that crazy?"
We who are eager to help others can learn to allow ourselves to receive help. We can learn to make clean contracts about asking for and receiving the help we want and need.
Today, I will ask for help if I need it -- from people and my Higher Power. I will not be a victim, helplessly awaiting to be rescued. I will make my request for help specific, to the point, and I will leave room for the person to choose whether or not to help me. I will not be a martyr any longer by refusing to get the help I deserve in life -- the help that makes life simpler. God, help me let go of my need to do everything alone. Help me use the vast Universe or resources available to me.
It's okay to ask for help.
One of the most absurd things we do to ourselves is not asking for the help we need from a friend, a family member, our Higher Power, or the appropriate resource.
We don't have to struggle through feelings and problems alone. We can ask for help from our Higher Power and for support and encouragement from our friends.
Whether what we need is information, encouragement, a hand, a word, a hug, someone who will listen, or a ride, we can ask. We can ask people for what we need from them. We can ask God for what we need from God.
It is self-defeating to not ask for the help we need. It keeps us stuck. If we ask long and hard enough, if we direct our request to the right source, we'll get the help we need.
There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her. We can be straightforward and let others choose whether to help us or not. If the answer is no, we can deal with that.
It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people. It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us. It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need.
"My problem is shame," said one woman. "I wanted to ask for help in dealing with it, but I was too ashamed. Isn't that crazy?"
We who are eager to help others can learn to allow ourselves to receive help. We can learn to make clean contracts about asking for and receiving the help we want and need.
Today, I will ask for help if I need it -- from people and my Higher Power. I will not be a victim, helplessly awaiting to be rescued. I will make my request for help specific, to the point, and I will leave room for the person to choose whether or not to help me. I will not be a martyr any longer by refusing to get the help I deserve in life -- the help that makes life simpler. God, help me let go of my need to do everything alone. Help me use the vast Universe or resources available to me.
URI aka "Bitch, you're sick"
Just woke up a little while ago. Slept over 14 hours. On top of going through withdrawals, I'm definitely sick. Went to Urgent Care last night (thanks Mom) and they took some chest X-rays and said that I have an Upper Respiratory Infection, which I'm interpreting as a fancy way of saying "bitch you have the flu." That being the case I know I have my sponsor to blame for getting me sick, douche bag. I know I still need to make it to a meeting tonight too because when I feel this gross and icky is when I'm most vulnerable to sick and disease thoughts, so I'm making my rounds and talking to all my people and am working on getting a ride to a meeting tonight.
I'm also excited to be starting writing in a new journal (yes I have a journal for hand written entries AND an online blog). With the new journal I've decided to have arts and crafts time and cut out clippings from magazines and paste them onto the covers and back of the journal, then seal it all up with glossy packing tape. It'll be a good creative outlet for me to focus my attention into and I think will be a constructive way to spend my time.
Regardless of being sick, I gotta get working on finding a ride to this meeting tonight. Wish me luck.
I'm also excited to be starting writing in a new journal (yes I have a journal for hand written entries AND an online blog). With the new journal I've decided to have arts and crafts time and cut out clippings from magazines and paste them onto the covers and back of the journal, then seal it all up with glossy packing tape. It'll be a good creative outlet for me to focus my attention into and I think will be a constructive way to spend my time.
Regardless of being sick, I gotta get working on finding a ride to this meeting tonight. Wish me luck.
Monday, December 8, 2014
The Jig is Up!
Well, the jig is up. Apparently more people read this than I thought because my sponsor caught wind of what I've posted on here and this morning he called me out on it. I didn't try to cover lies with more lies though and I got honest with him and admitted that what he read on here was true: that today is day 3, I'm going through withdrawals, and that I've been using for the past 2 months. I had barely uttered these words of truth when he then said he'd be by shortly to pick me up so we could go to a meeting at noon. I was still in bed in my underwear, had not had any coffee yet or my morning cigarette, and was still pretty out of it after having slept close to 14 hours (meth detox involves LOTS of sleeping) so I was still pretty cranky and bitchy having to get out of bed and get it together in a hurry. But Shaun showed up and off to the meeting we went, and overall, I'm glad I went and that he pushed me out of my comfort zone as briskly as he did because if he hadn't I doubt I would've made it to a meeting today at all.
After the meeting I went with him to take his dogs to the groomer's and then he treated me to Starbucks and while we were sitting outside with our coffee (and my cigarette) I filled him in on what's really been going on with me for the last 2 months and what the truth is. I gotta say this though: after telling the truth and admitting what I've been up to, I was expecting him to be angry with me, to reject me, to "fire me," or something along those lines. Instead I was reminded of the principles of this program because instead of rejection and ostracism, I got understanding, empathy, identification, acceptance, and forgiveness. So the cat's out of the bag; I don't have to worry about which lie to nurture or who is going to find out what anymore...I can just be me. What a fucking relief! I feel like my whole life just took one huge collective sigh of relief after holding its breath for the past 2 months.
After the meeting I went with him to take his dogs to the groomer's and then he treated me to Starbucks and while we were sitting outside with our coffee (and my cigarette) I filled him in on what's really been going on with me for the last 2 months and what the truth is. I gotta say this though: after telling the truth and admitting what I've been up to, I was expecting him to be angry with me, to reject me, to "fire me," or something along those lines. Instead I was reminded of the principles of this program because instead of rejection and ostracism, I got understanding, empathy, identification, acceptance, and forgiveness. So the cat's out of the bag; I don't have to worry about which lie to nurture or who is going to find out what anymore...I can just be me. What a fucking relief! I feel like my whole life just took one huge collective sigh of relief after holding its breath for the past 2 months.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
When The Time Is Right
When the Time is Right December 7
There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next. Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.
We can get through these times. We can rely on our program and the disciplines of recovery. We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.
Accept uncertainty. We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next. We do not always have clear direction. Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.
It is okay to temporarily be without direction. Say "I don't know" and be comfortable with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold. Let go of anxiety and enjoy life. Relax. Do something fun. Enjoy the love and beauty in your life. Accomplish small tasks. They may have nothing to do with solving the problem, or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim.
Clarity will come. The next step will present itself. Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever.
Today, I will accept my circumstances even if I lack direction and insight. I will remember to do things that make myself and others feel good during those times. I will trust that clarity will come of its own accord.
There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go, next. Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.
We can get through these times. We can rely on our program and the disciplines of recovery. We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.
Accept uncertainty. We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next. We do not always have clear direction. Refusing to accept the inaction and limbo makes things worse.
It is okay to temporarily be without direction. Say "I don't know" and be comfortable with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity when there is none.
While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold. Let go of anxiety and enjoy life. Relax. Do something fun. Enjoy the love and beauty in your life. Accomplish small tasks. They may have nothing to do with solving the problem, or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim.
Clarity will come. The next step will present itself. Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever.
Today, I will accept my circumstances even if I lack direction and insight. I will remember to do things that make myself and others feel good during those times. I will trust that clarity will come of its own accord.
Pushing Through
Day 2.
Definitely going through withdrawals. I slept from 8:30 last night until 10 this morning. And now I want to eat EVERYTHING. Mom is coming over shortly so we can go to breakfast and go do my weekly grocery shopping trip to Wal-Mart. All leisure reading and other projects have been put on hold for the moment since I don't have the motivation or energy to do anything other than sleep and eat.
I know it's only temporary and I just have to push through and bite the bullet for this part. I've detoxed before, I can do it again. What's keeping me out of my head though is writing and my friends. I'm so happy and fortunate that I started reaching out last week and got in the habit of reaching out to people first thing in the morning because I don't feel alone and I don't feel like I'm doing this alone. Hopefully after I push through this phase of feeling like shit I can get back into doing things that bring me joy (ie. reading, video games, arts & crafts, etc.)
Definitely going through withdrawals. I slept from 8:30 last night until 10 this morning. And now I want to eat EVERYTHING. Mom is coming over shortly so we can go to breakfast and go do my weekly grocery shopping trip to Wal-Mart. All leisure reading and other projects have been put on hold for the moment since I don't have the motivation or energy to do anything other than sleep and eat.
I know it's only temporary and I just have to push through and bite the bullet for this part. I've detoxed before, I can do it again. What's keeping me out of my head though is writing and my friends. I'm so happy and fortunate that I started reaching out last week and got in the habit of reaching out to people first thing in the morning because I don't feel alone and I don't feel like I'm doing this alone. Hopefully after I push through this phase of feeling like shit I can get back into doing things that bring me joy (ie. reading, video games, arts & crafts, etc.)
Saturday, December 6, 2014
"Begin Again"
While everyone may think I have some clean time under my belt, today is actually day 1 all over again.
I got so fucking high yesterday and on to last night that by 1:30 AM I was having heart palpitations. Finally, at around 2, I grabbed the pipe, took 1 last hit, and said "all done" and went inside, took my meds, and went to bed. I then, surprisingly, fell asleep rather quickly. So here I am today, back at square 1 and shaky but at my heart, determined to do this. I'm already fucking craving my first morning bowl to wake me up but I have to just ride this first part out and get through the detox stage and then concentrate on feeling normal again.
I'm already mentally prepared for what the next few days are going to be like physically, and am grateful that over the past week I've set in motion the reconnection with my support group and my Sponsor. I'm going to need them for the week ahead of me. I'm also going to need whatever Higher Power exists out there that I've lost faith and trust in over the past. I know that, alone, I can't do this. I'll need my friends, my mom, and whatever God exists out there if I want to stay on course and not fuck this up.
I got so fucking high yesterday and on to last night that by 1:30 AM I was having heart palpitations. Finally, at around 2, I grabbed the pipe, took 1 last hit, and said "all done" and went inside, took my meds, and went to bed. I then, surprisingly, fell asleep rather quickly. So here I am today, back at square 1 and shaky but at my heart, determined to do this. I'm already fucking craving my first morning bowl to wake me up but I have to just ride this first part out and get through the detox stage and then concentrate on feeling normal again.
I'm already mentally prepared for what the next few days are going to be like physically, and am grateful that over the past week I've set in motion the reconnection with my support group and my Sponsor. I'm going to need them for the week ahead of me. I'm also going to need whatever Higher Power exists out there that I've lost faith and trust in over the past. I know that, alone, I can't do this. I'll need my friends, my mom, and whatever God exists out there if I want to stay on course and not fuck this up.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Friday Review
This week has gone well so far. I made it a goal every day to force myself to step out of my comfort zone and start reaching out to my friends and to interact with them and talk with them because that is the solution to my loneliness and isolation. This has been a total success and I've already fostered renewed closeness and a connection with all my people I had listed that I wanted to reconnect with. My routine now every morning when I wake up is to text all of them one after the other (I call it "making my rounds") and that gets me out of my head and gets me talking to others and listening to them about their lives and their day as opposed to being completely consumed with myself and wallowing in self-pity. I've also tried to get to a meeting every day. This hasn't been a total success because of not being able to find rides but I've made more meetings this week alone than I have in the past month, so "progress, not perfection." I am going to a meeting tonight at 6 though and Brenda is going to meet me there so I get to see my wifey!!!
I've also already touched base with all my people so today is off to a good start (especially after sleeping for a little over 12 hours, I , apparently, was in dire need of some hardcore rest). My goals today are to read my book (The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah) and work on my Step.
Ready, set, go.
I've also already touched base with all my people so today is off to a good start (especially after sleeping for a little over 12 hours, I , apparently, was in dire need of some hardcore rest). My goals today are to read my book (The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah) and work on my Step.
Ready, set, go.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
"Even though I can't solve your problems, I will be there as your sounding board whenever you need me."
The prize we each have been given is our ability to offer full and interested attention to people seeking our counsel. And seldom does a day pass that we aren't given the opportunity to listen, to nurture, to offer hope where it's been dashed.
We are not separate, one from another. Interdependence is our blessing; however, we fail to recognize it at our crucial crossroads. Alone we ponder. Around us, others, too, are often suffering in silence. These Steps that guide our lives push us to break the silence. The secrets we keep, keep us from the health we deserve.
Our emotional well-being is enhanced each time we share ourselves -- our stories or our attentive ears. We need to be a part of someone else's pain and growth in order to make use of the pain that we have grown beyond. Pain has its purpose in our lives. And in the lives of our friends, too. It's our connection to one another, the bridge that closes the gap.
We dread our pain. We hate the suffering our friends must withstand. But each of us gains when we accept these challenges as our invitations for growth and closeness to others.
Secrets keep us sick. I will listen and share and be well.
We are not separate, one from another. Interdependence is our blessing; however, we fail to recognize it at our crucial crossroads. Alone we ponder. Around us, others, too, are often suffering in silence. These Steps that guide our lives push us to break the silence. The secrets we keep, keep us from the health we deserve.
Our emotional well-being is enhanced each time we share ourselves -- our stories or our attentive ears. We need to be a part of someone else's pain and growth in order to make use of the pain that we have grown beyond. Pain has its purpose in our lives. And in the lives of our friends, too. It's our connection to one another, the bridge that closes the gap.
We dread our pain. We hate the suffering our friends must withstand. But each of us gains when we accept these challenges as our invitations for growth and closeness to others.
Secrets keep us sick. I will listen and share and be well.
Letting Go
"How much to we need to let go of?" a friend asked one day.
"I'm not certain," I replied, "but maybe everything.
Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to tightly.
We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires -- everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, it's important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But it's equally important to follow through by letting go.
Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we're meant to have.
Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn't helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn't helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.
Who are we to say that things aren't happening exactly as they need to happen?
There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn't happen. Something better does.
Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.
Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcomes and solutions.
Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.
"I'm not certain," I replied, "but maybe everything.
Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to tightly.
We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires -- everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, it's important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But it's equally important to follow through by letting go.
Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we're meant to have.
Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn't helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn't helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.
Who are we to say that things aren't happening exactly as they need to happen?
There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn't happen. Something better does.
Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.
Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcomes and solutions.
Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way.
"Help"
At first I didn’t get you
Too contradicted to figure out
I didn’t expect to want all the things I could live without
I wouldn’t do it for anyone, you should know that
But since I loved you since 21
You should know that
When the wild comes calling on you, help is on the way
And the high gets horny for you, help is on the way
On the way, help is on the way
When your heart don’t bleed the way it used to
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
At first I didn’t see through
All noise that I could care less about
I didn’t expect to want all the things I could live without
I wouldn’t do it for anyone, you should know that
But since I loved you since 21
You should know that
When the wild comes calling on you, help is on the way
When the high gets horny for you, help is on the way
On the way, help is on the way
When your heart don’t bleed the way it used to
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the wa
Too contradicted to figure out
I didn’t expect to want all the things I could live without
I wouldn’t do it for anyone, you should know that
But since I loved you since 21
You should know that
When the wild comes calling on you, help is on the way
And the high gets horny for you, help is on the way
On the way, help is on the way
When your heart don’t bleed the way it used to
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
At first I didn’t see through
All noise that I could care less about
I didn’t expect to want all the things I could live without
I wouldn’t do it for anyone, you should know that
But since I loved you since 21
You should know that
When the wild comes calling on you, help is on the way
When the high gets horny for you, help is on the way
On the way, help is on the way
When your heart don’t bleed the way it used to
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Help is on the wa
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
2 Meetings and a Mocha
10:00AM
Day 3 of Operation Overhaul. Don't have much time because Shaun is picking me up for a meeting shortly but wanted to make an entry before I left the apartment.
I woke up this morning feeling lonely from the start and don't know why. I immediately did my morning readings, made my gratitude list, and then picked up my phone and started making my rounds. It's such a good suggestion from NA to expand and nurture a support group because when one person isn't available, chances are another friend will be and that's exactly what is going on this morning. Angela wasn't able to talk but 3 other people are and I've also already found a ride to a meeting with Shaun. So A-I get to see my sponsor and B-I get to go to a meeting. Day is ogg to a good start so far.
More later.
********************************************
2:10PM
Just got home. Shaun and I ended up going to a 10:30 meeting then he bought me Starbucks. I was only expecting to go to 1 meeting then have Shaun drop me off at home and call it a day, but 2 meetings back to back was an awesome treat. I haven't shared in a very long time either so today I shared at both meetings so I feel like I was an active participant in my recovery, not just sitting there and listening to everyone else share thinking I'll recover through osmosis.
Now that I'm home I'm going to continue this trend of self-care that's been going on today and spend some more time writing on Step 1 ..... or reading my book, whichever sounds more fun :-)
Day 3 of Operation Overhaul. Don't have much time because Shaun is picking me up for a meeting shortly but wanted to make an entry before I left the apartment.
I woke up this morning feeling lonely from the start and don't know why. I immediately did my morning readings, made my gratitude list, and then picked up my phone and started making my rounds. It's such a good suggestion from NA to expand and nurture a support group because when one person isn't available, chances are another friend will be and that's exactly what is going on this morning. Angela wasn't able to talk but 3 other people are and I've also already found a ride to a meeting with Shaun. So A-I get to see my sponsor and B-I get to go to a meeting. Day is ogg to a good start so far.
More later.
********************************************
2:10PM
Just got home. Shaun and I ended up going to a 10:30 meeting then he bought me Starbucks. I was only expecting to go to 1 meeting then have Shaun drop me off at home and call it a day, but 2 meetings back to back was an awesome treat. I haven't shared in a very long time either so today I shared at both meetings so I feel like I was an active participant in my recovery, not just sitting there and listening to everyone else share thinking I'll recover through osmosis.
Now that I'm home I'm going to continue this trend of self-care that's been going on today and spend some more time writing on Step 1 ..... or reading my book, whichever sounds more fun :-)
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Putting Our Life on Hold
We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be. That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.
If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.
That can be hard. It can feel natural to put our life on hold. That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person...I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy...
That's a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.
We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.
We do not have to put our life on hold. There will be repercussions from doing this. Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.
What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?
How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn't doing?
What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?
Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don't work out exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.
And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others. That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need.
Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn't work. All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.
Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love. If i have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back. I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.
If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.
That can be hard. It can feel natural to put our life on hold. That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person...I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy...
That's a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.
We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.
We do not have to put our life on hold. There will be repercussions from doing this. Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.
What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?
How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn't doing?
What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?
Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don't work out exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.
And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others. That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need.
Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn't work. All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.
Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love. If i have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back. I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.
Life Overhaul, Day 2
So yesterday as day 1 of my new "project" of changing my life, outlook, friends, and attitude was a success I think. I reached out to multiple friends to talk and got wonderful reception and responses back. I tried to make it to a meeting but Anthony ended up coming over and we hung out instead, listening to new music and we even had arts and crafts time (laugh all you want) where he cut up a bunch of stuff out of magazines and glued the clippings to the cover of my journal. Yesterday I also officially began writing on Step 1 again. My original, intent was to start small and just write on the first 5 questions in the Step Working Guide but I ended up doing 8 because once I started writing it was like the floodgates were opened and stuff just came pouring out of me. I JUST started and I already feel like I purged a bunch of baggage and weight that I;ve been carrying around on my back.
So today we're definitely going to continue this trend because it feels great.
So far, I've texted all my people (Angela, Shaun, Kimmy, Brenda) and I even already found a ride to a meeting tonight at 5:30 with Angela.
This new shift I've made in self-care and in reassessing my priorities and focus is feeling really good and I know I'm doing the right thing through all these efforts. I was tired of sitting in my apartment alone with nothing to do (but not taking initiative to find something to do either), not talking to anyone, chain-smoking, and sleeping all the time because it was better than the alternative of being awake and lonely and bored.
So I'mma keep on keepin' on :-]
So today we're definitely going to continue this trend because it feels great.
So far, I've texted all my people (Angela, Shaun, Kimmy, Brenda) and I even already found a ride to a meeting tonight at 5:30 with Angela.
This new shift I've made in self-care and in reassessing my priorities and focus is feeling really good and I know I'm doing the right thing through all these efforts. I was tired of sitting in my apartment alone with nothing to do (but not taking initiative to find something to do either), not talking to anyone, chain-smoking, and sleeping all the time because it was better than the alternative of being awake and lonely and bored.
So I'mma keep on keepin' on :-]
Monday, December 1, 2014
Time to Get Busy
I had my follow up appointment this morning with my doctor to go over the ultrasound results of the abscess on my arm. Everything turned out great and he said it's no longer and abscess, so the antibiotics must have worked!
Today is also my first day where I'm consciously going to begin making an effort to do things for my and my life differently. This includes self-care, taking care of my belongings and my apartment, reaching out to different friends to get closer to them so that I can expand my support core group, finding creative or constructive outlets for myself not just escaping into a video game.
Also, another major move I plan on beginning today is I'm going to start working the Steps again. Enough time has passed and I've grown complacent and have seriously been lacking in putting in any footwork to my recovery.
Time to Get Busy
Today is also my first day where I'm consciously going to begin making an effort to do things for my and my life differently. This includes self-care, taking care of my belongings and my apartment, reaching out to different friends to get closer to them so that I can expand my support core group, finding creative or constructive outlets for myself not just escaping into a video game.
Also, another major move I plan on beginning today is I'm going to start working the Steps again. Enough time has passed and I've grown complacent and have seriously been lacking in putting in any footwork to my recovery.
Time to Get Busy
Sunday, November 30, 2014
OK...Let's Try This Again
Okay so if you read any of my posts on Facebook yesterday, it was CLEARLY evident that I was not having a good day. And you'd be absolutely right to assume so: I was having a flat out SHITTY day and it started right at the moment I woke. First arguing then overreacting then being angry then having your day not go as you had planned it to go in your mind then placing demands and controlling behaviors on someone who didn't deserve it then even the cashier at Wal-Mart had a shitty attitude and snapped at my mom and I. Once that happened, that was it for me and in my mind I shouted "THAT'S IT. I'M DONE PLAYING NICE AND BEING THE BIGGER PERSON." So I found every floor manager I could find and told them about my experience with said cashier, and I'm pretty sure I got him fired. My bad #sorrynotsorry
Overall, yesterday sucked and I just flat out had a bad day. But I'm going to go a step further than that and take some responsibility for my role in it and admit that while yes the day happened as it was going to happen regardless (life on life's terms), I myself didn't respond appropriately or from a place of patience, empathy, understanding, and the serenity that comes with knowing that what will be will be and that life is going to happen as life dictates. The result was me completely going ape shit on my mom in the car ride home and I can, in retrospect, honestly admit that I ended up sending a lot of my anger and frustration at the day towards her and she bore the worst of it and for that I feel sorry and remorseful.
After having all last night to ruminate over the day and also sleeping on it, I've awoken today with a fresh attitude that stems from the wisdom I gained yesterday by acting the way I did and seeing the results it got me. Today, I am determined to have a good day, I am determined to keep my emotions and feelings in check and try and stay as self-aware as possible so I know what I'm feeling and why and then act accordingly instead of just reacting and have shit come out wrong or create chaos where there was no reason for chaos in the first place. Today, I also plan on reminding myself of a lesson I learned yesterday after trying to force or demand my mom say certain things just so that I would feel "better." I cannot control other people, I don't have the authority or the right to demand things of other people, especially when they are uncomfortable. I should not base my "being okay" on what somebody else says or does. I am only responsible for me and my actions and how I choose to respond to what each day throws at me.
So...in a nutshell. Today is a new day, and I'm going to make it a good one, not one where I'm acting out in my character defects or getting angry at life for not going according to MY plan. Because to expect that it is going to go according to my plan is unrealistic and stupid. Life will do what it wants.
So again: new day, new attitude, refreshed outlook. Gonna make today a good one. :-]
Overall, yesterday sucked and I just flat out had a bad day. But I'm going to go a step further than that and take some responsibility for my role in it and admit that while yes the day happened as it was going to happen regardless (life on life's terms), I myself didn't respond appropriately or from a place of patience, empathy, understanding, and the serenity that comes with knowing that what will be will be and that life is going to happen as life dictates. The result was me completely going ape shit on my mom in the car ride home and I can, in retrospect, honestly admit that I ended up sending a lot of my anger and frustration at the day towards her and she bore the worst of it and for that I feel sorry and remorseful.
After having all last night to ruminate over the day and also sleeping on it, I've awoken today with a fresh attitude that stems from the wisdom I gained yesterday by acting the way I did and seeing the results it got me. Today, I am determined to have a good day, I am determined to keep my emotions and feelings in check and try and stay as self-aware as possible so I know what I'm feeling and why and then act accordingly instead of just reacting and have shit come out wrong or create chaos where there was no reason for chaos in the first place. Today, I also plan on reminding myself of a lesson I learned yesterday after trying to force or demand my mom say certain things just so that I would feel "better." I cannot control other people, I don't have the authority or the right to demand things of other people, especially when they are uncomfortable. I should not base my "being okay" on what somebody else says or does. I am only responsible for me and my actions and how I choose to respond to what each day throws at me.
So...in a nutshell. Today is a new day, and I'm going to make it a good one, not one where I'm acting out in my character defects or getting angry at life for not going according to MY plan. Because to expect that it is going to go according to my plan is unrealistic and stupid. Life will do what it wants.
So again: new day, new attitude, refreshed outlook. Gonna make today a good one. :-]
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Step Twelve
The Twelfth Step says that having had a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others. Our message is one of hope, comfort, health -- a better way of life, one that works.
How do we carry it? Not by rescuing, Not by controlling. Not by obsessing. Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways. We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health. These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message. Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.
Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves. When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well-intentioned "helping" gesture. We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.
Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work. I will let go of my need to "help" people. Instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself. If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly. God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope. I can be a channel to help others when I am ready. I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.
How do we carry it? Not by rescuing, Not by controlling. Not by obsessing. Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways. We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health. These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message. Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.
Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves. When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well-intentioned "helping" gesture. We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.
Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work. I will let go of my need to "help" people. Instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself. If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly. God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope. I can be a channel to help others when I am ready. I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.
What I Owe To Myself
I've come to the conclusion that I really need to start implementing the principles of this program into my life if I want my life to change and if I want to change the way I feel and if I want to change how I view my life. Again, my meeting attendance has slackened and I haven't been to one in 1 week. I've also realized that a big stumbling block of mine is that I put all or most of my stock into one or two people as my friends, but when they aren't around or available, I find myself lonely and isolated again. I need to reach out to more of my friends and begin cultivating more substantial, meaningful relationships with friends and broaden my support group instead of placing 100% of the burden on a select few (ie. Anthony). I've also made the conscious decision to start working the Steps again and am going to buy new notebooks today so I can get busy. I'm the only one that can change my life and how I perceive and respond to it. I owe it to myself to do what I need to do to be happy and content.
It's MY responsibility.
It's MY responsibility.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Thanksgiving Review and Reflections
I have to say: this was probably the best Thanksgiving I can remember having in YEARS (since, at minimum, before my mom and Jeff were married).
Mom picked me up around 11am and we spent an hour or so just talking and snacking on food waiting for Vickie and her family to arrive. Once they got there we all socialized for a bit but then dinner was served and my mom had put together an AWESOME spread: turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, gravy, croissants, and mashed potatoes (brought by Vickie). Needless to say, I ate like the fat girl I am and literally put myself into a food coma because after eating I went and laid down in my mom's room and ended up falling asleep for HOURS (not sure how long) but when I woke up, everyone had already left. But then, as an end to a day filled with good company and good food, my mom busted out what she bought for me for dessert: an Adam's Peanut Butter Cup cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. I'm sure it goes without saying that it was epic.
Today really got me thinking, though, about what my life looks like today in comparison with one year ago, two years ago, hell, even just a few months ago earlier this year. It's taken years of struggling, using, self-destructing, a failed and poisonous relationship, homelessness, and a brief stay in Oakland, CA, and a crazy slam-obsessed roommate, but it's all lead here: to a place where I have so many things to be grateful for that I can't fit them all onto a piece of paper, a place where my mom and I have, probably, the best relationship we've had EVER. My life is not perfect...far from it in fact; there's still tons of things I need and want to work on and things I want to achieve and acquire and ways in which I want to grow, but for where I'm at today, right now, in this moment...I'm happy.
I'm so grateful and thankful.
Thank you God, thank you Universe for all that you've blessed my life with in such a short amount of time.
I'm so appreciative and thankful.
Thank you.
Mom picked me up around 11am and we spent an hour or so just talking and snacking on food waiting for Vickie and her family to arrive. Once they got there we all socialized for a bit but then dinner was served and my mom had put together an AWESOME spread: turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, gravy, croissants, and mashed potatoes (brought by Vickie). Needless to say, I ate like the fat girl I am and literally put myself into a food coma because after eating I went and laid down in my mom's room and ended up falling asleep for HOURS (not sure how long) but when I woke up, everyone had already left. But then, as an end to a day filled with good company and good food, my mom busted out what she bought for me for dessert: an Adam's Peanut Butter Cup cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. I'm sure it goes without saying that it was epic.
Today really got me thinking, though, about what my life looks like today in comparison with one year ago, two years ago, hell, even just a few months ago earlier this year. It's taken years of struggling, using, self-destructing, a failed and poisonous relationship, homelessness, and a brief stay in Oakland, CA, and a crazy slam-obsessed roommate, but it's all lead here: to a place where I have so many things to be grateful for that I can't fit them all onto a piece of paper, a place where my mom and I have, probably, the best relationship we've had EVER. My life is not perfect...far from it in fact; there's still tons of things I need and want to work on and things I want to achieve and acquire and ways in which I want to grow, but for where I'm at today, right now, in this moment...I'm happy.
I'm so grateful and thankful.
Thank you God, thank you Universe for all that you've blessed my life with in such a short amount of time.
I'm so appreciative and thankful.
Thank you.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
We Can Trust Ourselves (Can't We?)
For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust our own judgement again.
"The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity," said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. "I can't afford to make another mistake like that."
Many of us have trust people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them. We may have found these people charming, kind, decent. There may have been a small voice that said "No -- something's wrong." Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
The issue may reverberate through our life for years. Our trust in others may have been shaken, but our trust in ourselves may have been shattered worse.
How could something feel so right, flow so good, and be such a total mistake? We may wonder. How can I ever trust my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty?
We may never have the answers. I believe I needed to make certain "mistakes" to learn critical lessons I'm not certain I would have otherwise learned. We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves. We cannot afford to function with fear.
If we are always making the wrong decision in business, or in love, we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves.
But most of us do improve. We learn. We grow from our mistakes. Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve. Our business choices improve. Our decisions about how to handle situations with friends or children improve. We benefit from our mistakes. We benefit from our past. And if we have made mistakes, we needed to make them in order to learn along the way.
Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past. I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgement today. I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all. I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes. I will try to look at all my good decisions too. I will keep a watchful eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life.
"The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity," said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. "I can't afford to make another mistake like that."
Many of us have trust people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them. We may have found these people charming, kind, decent. There may have been a small voice that said "No -- something's wrong." Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
The issue may reverberate through our life for years. Our trust in others may have been shaken, but our trust in ourselves may have been shattered worse.
How could something feel so right, flow so good, and be such a total mistake? We may wonder. How can I ever trust my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty?
We may never have the answers. I believe I needed to make certain "mistakes" to learn critical lessons I'm not certain I would have otherwise learned. We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves. We cannot afford to function with fear.
If we are always making the wrong decision in business, or in love, we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves.
But most of us do improve. We learn. We grow from our mistakes. Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve. Our business choices improve. Our decisions about how to handle situations with friends or children improve. We benefit from our mistakes. We benefit from our past. And if we have made mistakes, we needed to make them in order to learn along the way.
Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past. I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgement today. I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all. I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes. I will try to look at all my good decisions too. I will keep a watchful eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
11/26/14 Gratitude List & Journal Entry
Gratitude
NA
meetings
Shaun
Anthony
my cell phone
my lap top
my apartment
SS Disability
my budget report
my health
medical coverage/insurance
AFAN
So. Nevada Regional Housing Authority
forgiveness
humility
self-care
my books
writing
reading
patience
admitting when I'm wrong/have made a mistake
doing the next right thing
taking care of my responsibilities
my Higher Power
being selfless./of service
courage
honesty
open-mindedness
willingness
perseverance
getting into the solution
coffee
cigarettes
remembering it's more important to understand than be understood
****************************************************
11/26/14....6:45am
So I just finished writing my daily gratitude list and I couldn't believe it at first, but I reviewed my list a couple times and realized two things: 1- I have A LOT to be grateful for and with this in mind I can't help but start my day with a smile on my face and an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for all the things my Higher Power and the Universe has blessed me with and 2- I have so many things I was able to list being grateful for that I ran out of space on the page. Despite all my ups and downs, despite all my mistakes, despite all the chaos I find ways of creating, despite it all, I still have so many blessings, gifts, and things to be grateful for that (at least at the moment) I have a hard time thinking of something negative to focus on or anything that's so terrible that it would ruin my day.
Michael
NA
meetings
Shaun
Anthony
my cell phone
my lap top
my apartment
SS Disability
my budget report
my health
medical coverage/insurance
AFAN
So. Nevada Regional Housing Authority
forgiveness
humility
self-care
my books
writing
reading
patience
admitting when I'm wrong/have made a mistake
doing the next right thing
taking care of my responsibilities
my Higher Power
being selfless./of service
courage
honesty
open-mindedness
willingness
perseverance
getting into the solution
coffee
cigarettes
remembering it's more important to understand than be understood
****************************************************
11/26/14....6:45am
So I just finished writing my daily gratitude list and I couldn't believe it at first, but I reviewed my list a couple times and realized two things: 1- I have A LOT to be grateful for and with this in mind I can't help but start my day with a smile on my face and an attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for all the things my Higher Power and the Universe has blessed me with and 2- I have so many things I was able to list being grateful for that I ran out of space on the page. Despite all my ups and downs, despite all my mistakes, despite all the chaos I find ways of creating, despite it all, I still have so many blessings, gifts, and things to be grateful for that (at least at the moment) I have a hard time thinking of something negative to focus on or anything that's so terrible that it would ruin my day.
Michael
Notes From Last Night
So this was found written in my journal after some events from last night. Think of this as my own version of Text From Last Night. Names will be left out to protect anonymity of involved parties.
11-25-2014
"M___y is TOE UP. I walked in and some insufferable fat orange queen in the 'act' (meaning they were naked and sifting through BBRT for the fifth time in 10 minutes) and basically ruined the party. You're welcome bitch."
A______ G_____"
Then from later in the evening:
The orange queen mentioned earlier turned out to be a bitter angry drunk. Time to kick him out. And it's time for T__y to take me to Jack in The Box. I didn't get fat by NOT going through the drive thru."
Hi, trainwreck, party of 1? All I know is I owe a certain friend of mine BIG time for showing up last night. He showed up in more than just the literal sense, he showed up in every possible way: as a friend, as a person, as a human being. Thank you, you know who you are. xoxo
11-25-2014
"M___y is TOE UP. I walked in and some insufferable fat orange queen in the 'act' (meaning they were naked and sifting through BBRT for the fifth time in 10 minutes) and basically ruined the party. You're welcome bitch."
A______ G_____"
Then from later in the evening:
The orange queen mentioned earlier turned out to be a bitter angry drunk. Time to kick him out. And it's time for T__y to take me to Jack in The Box. I didn't get fat by NOT going through the drive thru."
Hi, trainwreck, party of 1? All I know is I owe a certain friend of mine BIG time for showing up last night. He showed up in more than just the literal sense, he showed up in every possible way: as a friend, as a person, as a human being. Thank you, you know who you are. xoxo
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
From "The 10 Commandments of How to Get Along With People"
5. Don't burden or depress those around you by dwelling on your minor aches and pains and small disappointments. Remember, everyone is carrying some kind of burden, often heaver than your own.
6. Keep an open mind. Discuss, but don't argue. It is the mark of a superior mind to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.
7. Let your virtues, if you have any, speak for themselves. Refuse to talk of other's vices. Discourage gossip. It is a waste of valuable time, and can be extremely destructive.
8. Be careful of another's feelings. Wit and humor at another person's expense may do more damage than you will ever know.
9. Pay no attention to disparaging remarks. Remember, the person who carried the message may not be the most accurate reporter in the world, and things become twisted in the retelling. Live so that nobody will believe them.
6. Keep an open mind. Discuss, but don't argue. It is the mark of a superior mind to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.
7. Let your virtues, if you have any, speak for themselves. Refuse to talk of other's vices. Discourage gossip. It is a waste of valuable time, and can be extremely destructive.
8. Be careful of another's feelings. Wit and humor at another person's expense may do more damage than you will ever know.
9. Pay no attention to disparaging remarks. Remember, the person who carried the message may not be the most accurate reporter in the world, and things become twisted in the retelling. Live so that nobody will believe them.
My First Budget
I finally got the finances/money issue worked out with mom. Turns out that making and actually writing down a budget/expense report was all she wanted. it also turns out that it was the best thing I could've done because I was able to actually see where my money is going each month and how much is being spent in each category as well as how much I have in savings. With this knowledge I can plan for expenses appropriately and responsibly and not ever back myself into a corner and wind up not being able to pay my rent or some other bill. Plus with a full overview of all my expenses, we were able to agree on a set amount I get every month for play money. So I have play money now!!! I'm glad that not only did the situation resolve itself, but I also benefitted from the outcome and feel good about that outcome.
=]
=]
Monday, November 24, 2014
Attitude
Attitude, by Charles Swindoll
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do. It's more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, or a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past; we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes.
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do. It's more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, or a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past; we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes.
Flying Solo After All?
I won't go into too much detail regarding the current situation as some of the details need not be discussed, but in a nutshell, I feel like I just got abandoned; that dick was a higher priority than hanging out with a friend. Don't get me wrong: I fully endorse, support, and approve of getting dick. But earlier this evening, in response to a question posed regarding what would happen in a situation similar to exactly what did happen, I responded with my statement that I would never just ditch the person in question if the possibility of a trick came up; that once I committed to hanging out with you, that's what I was doing and that I wouldn't just bail as soon as a hot trick popped up.
But a hot trick apparently did pop up for my friend and I got left in the dust and a lot of feelings of rejection got stirred up and I feel like I'm just some sideshow prop that my friend can come back to whenever it's convenient for him. Am I being a cock block? I can't tell...it's just so frustrating after having said that I WOULDN'T do exactly what he did just a few hours earlier in the evening, then he turns around and does that exact thing.
So yet again, here I am...flying solo :-/
On the plus side: the time alone was utilized very efficiently because with that time I was able to create and complete my very first comprehensive budget/financial report of what my expenses/funds/savings look like right now. Now armed with this information hopefully I can get the parental unit to ease up on her control of MY money.
But a hot trick apparently did pop up for my friend and I got left in the dust and a lot of feelings of rejection got stirred up and I feel like I'm just some sideshow prop that my friend can come back to whenever it's convenient for him. Am I being a cock block? I can't tell...it's just so frustrating after having said that I WOULDN'T do exactly what he did just a few hours earlier in the evening, then he turns around and does that exact thing.
So yet again, here I am...flying solo :-/
On the plus side: the time alone was utilized very efficiently because with that time I was able to create and complete my very first comprehensive budget/financial report of what my expenses/funds/savings look like right now. Now armed with this information hopefully I can get the parental unit to ease up on her control of MY money.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Wannabe Suze Orman
So, I'm really fucking irritated right now. All I asked for was to know the balance of the bank account for the debit card that my mom gave me access to. But that was denied and then turned into this huge conversation that, to sum up, basically re-affirmed the reality that she has placed herself as the gatekeeper to every penny of the Social Security funds and the guard against any access to it. I have to go through her. The conversation ended with her saying:
"Once you have a monthly budget with your expenses covered you can decide what amount you want to designate as extra spending money and you can do whatever you want with it."
I can appreciate and respect her wanting to help me budget my finances and her wanting to spend with caution and save wherever/however I can. But this is way over-stepping her bounds and giving her total control over my financial life and it is not sitting well with me. Yes she's responsible for the distribution of my Social Security monies as she was appointed "Rep Payee" by the Administration...But ultimately it is MY money and there are things that are now possible for me to do that for the past 2 years I could only DREAM of. This does not sit well with me at all and she better believe that this discussion and topic is far from over.
*annoyed*
"Once you have a monthly budget with your expenses covered you can decide what amount you want to designate as extra spending money and you can do whatever you want with it."
I can appreciate and respect her wanting to help me budget my finances and her wanting to spend with caution and save wherever/however I can. But this is way over-stepping her bounds and giving her total control over my financial life and it is not sitting well with me. Yes she's responsible for the distribution of my Social Security monies as she was appointed "Rep Payee" by the Administration...But ultimately it is MY money and there are things that are now possible for me to do that for the past 2 years I could only DREAM of. This does not sit well with me at all and she better believe that this discussion and topic is far from over.
*annoyed*
Saturday, November 22, 2014
My Dream Playlist
After selecting some of my favorite tracks right now, and also being introduced to some new KILLER ones from Anthony, I've compiled my dream playlist that I'd love to have mixed together and would drive me absolutely bananas if I heard it live, here's what the finished product looks like:
1. Oceanlab - Satellite (Seven Lions Remix)
2. Swedish House Mafia - Greyhound
3. Martin Solveig - The Night Out (Madeon Remix)
4. Zedd feat. Hayley Williams - Stay the Night (Zedd & Kevin Drew Remix)
5. Tritonal - Anchor
6. Bastille - Pompeii (Audien Remix)
7. Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love (Seven Lions Remix)
8. Seven Lions - Strangers (Feat. Tove Lo)
9. Dada Life - Rolling Stones T-Shirt
10.Deadmau5 - Professional Griefers (Feat. Gerard Way)
11.Pendulum - The Island (Steve Angello, AN21, & Max Vangeli Remix)
12.Dada Life - Born To Rage (Feat. Sebastian Bach)
13.Knife Party - Begin Again
14.Wynter Gordon - Till Death (R3hab Remix)
15.Galantis - You (Original Mix)
16.Deorro - Dechorro (Original Mix)
17.Sebastian Ingrosso & Tommy Trash Feat. John Martin - Reload (Vocal Extended Mix)
18.Swedish House Mafia - Save The World
Now THAT is epic.
1. Oceanlab - Satellite (Seven Lions Remix)
2. Swedish House Mafia - Greyhound
3. Martin Solveig - The Night Out (Madeon Remix)
4. Zedd feat. Hayley Williams - Stay the Night (Zedd & Kevin Drew Remix)
5. Tritonal - Anchor
6. Bastille - Pompeii (Audien Remix)
7. Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love (Seven Lions Remix)
8. Seven Lions - Strangers (Feat. Tove Lo)
9. Dada Life - Rolling Stones T-Shirt
10.Deadmau5 - Professional Griefers (Feat. Gerard Way)
11.Pendulum - The Island (Steve Angello, AN21, & Max Vangeli Remix)
12.Dada Life - Born To Rage (Feat. Sebastian Bach)
13.Knife Party - Begin Again
14.Wynter Gordon - Till Death (R3hab Remix)
15.Galantis - You (Original Mix)
16.Deorro - Dechorro (Original Mix)
17.Sebastian Ingrosso & Tommy Trash Feat. John Martin - Reload (Vocal Extended Mix)
18.Swedish House Mafia - Save The World
Now THAT is epic.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Getting Back Into It
So after not having been to a meeting in 2 weeks, today is finally the day that I'm getting my ass back to not only 1, but 2 meetings today. My sponsor is picking me up and taking me to Not High at Noon, then later my mom is taking me to a 6pm meeting up in Summerlin. I don't really have anything specific I can think of that I want to share about just yet, but I'm more looking forward to just being there and listening and soaking in the recovery and experience I hear from others.
I also have a doctor's appointment today. This one is for my routine blood work review to check my CD4 count and viral load to make sure everything looks okay. I have no real reason to be afraid that the results won't come back looking good since I'm RELIGIOUS and really good about taking my meds, but there's always that fear that pops up in the back of my mind that says "this time it's gonna come back looking bad, this is the time you're going to find out you're dying." Totally unrealistic, I know, give what past results and experiences show, but my brain always likes to catastrophize everything and expect the worst.\
Today is also the first day in over a week that I might not see T__y either. I wanna see him and miss my buddy already, but I know I need to take a self-care/me day and also start off a pattern of regular meeting attendance again after not having gone for this long and isolating in my apartment and thinking I can do this alone and that I'd be fine. Now, I realize just how wrong I was that, if left alone with my own brain as my only company/feedback/and sounding board, I will, without a doubt, drive myself right off a fucking cliff and go totally batshit crazy.
Not cute.
I also have a doctor's appointment today. This one is for my routine blood work review to check my CD4 count and viral load to make sure everything looks okay. I have no real reason to be afraid that the results won't come back looking good since I'm RELIGIOUS and really good about taking my meds, but there's always that fear that pops up in the back of my mind that says "this time it's gonna come back looking bad, this is the time you're going to find out you're dying." Totally unrealistic, I know, give what past results and experiences show, but my brain always likes to catastrophize everything and expect the worst.\
Today is also the first day in over a week that I might not see T__y either. I wanna see him and miss my buddy already, but I know I need to take a self-care/me day and also start off a pattern of regular meeting attendance again after not having gone for this long and isolating in my apartment and thinking I can do this alone and that I'd be fine. Now, I realize just how wrong I was that, if left alone with my own brain as my only company/feedback/and sounding board, I will, without a doubt, drive myself right off a fucking cliff and go totally batshit crazy.
Not cute.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Abscess
This abscess on my arm is really starting to bother me. It's starting to turn red and it hurts and is really sore. It's my own damn fault and that's the risk I took when I decided to slam so I have no one to blame or be upset with but myself.
I also still haven't been to a meeting. I was going to try to go to Not High at Noon today but my friend asked me if I could help him and his mom move today so I agreed to help because it will provide me with an opportunity to be of service and get out of myself and my own head. I still need to get to a meeting ASAP though. Not so much for the chance to share where I'm at, but to have interaction and relation with other addicts in recovery. After not having been to a meeting in 2 weeks, I can feel the effect it's having on me: I'm completely self-obsessed, impatient, isolated, and feel like I'm totally alone and I know that I can't recover and maintain recovery alone. I need other people, I need support, I need identification, empathy, and relation. Self-will alone will only prove to drive me further into isolation and insanity.
I can't do this alone.
I also still haven't been to a meeting. I was going to try to go to Not High at Noon today but my friend asked me if I could help him and his mom move today so I agreed to help because it will provide me with an opportunity to be of service and get out of myself and my own head. I still need to get to a meeting ASAP though. Not so much for the chance to share where I'm at, but to have interaction and relation with other addicts in recovery. After not having been to a meeting in 2 weeks, I can feel the effect it's having on me: I'm completely self-obsessed, impatient, isolated, and feel like I'm totally alone and I know that I can't recover and maintain recovery alone. I need other people, I need support, I need identification, empathy, and relation. Self-will alone will only prove to drive me further into isolation and insanity.
I can't do this alone.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Traits I Need To Work On
Had some time to get introspective and think about some things I know are wrong with me but that I'd like to address and change....here's what I came up with. Was kinda depressing to read over it when I was done but hey, it's honest.
Selfish/self-centered
codependent
need for approval
impatient
manipulative
dishonest/deceitful
thieving
isolatory
stubborn
close-minded
self-defeating
lazy
wanting instant gratification
wanting to be in control of everyone/everything around me (control freak)
perfectionism
ungrateful
undisciplined
self-obsessed
untrusting
lack of faith
inconsiderate of other's wants/needs/feelings
negative self-image
total lack of confidence in myself
self-destructive/self-sabotaging'
overly sensitive
unrealistic expectations of myself and others
promiscuous
lack of ability for self-care/self-soothing
unable to maintain long-lasting relationships
cynical
bleh. That was depressing
Isolation
I think I'm getting sick. I've got that constant drip in the back of my throat and am developing a cough and it's not cute. Good thing I have a doctor's appointment on Friday.
I'm really struggling with strong feelings of loneliness right now. Sitting in this apartment day in day out without anyone to talk to is starting to take its toll on me. I also haven't been to a meeting in over 2 weeks so that might have something to do with it. I;m also realizing that I'm putting all my eggs in one basket as far as T__y goes. Ye's he's back in Vegas and yes we've gotten close; yes we spend a lot of time together and yes he comes over a lot to spend time with me, but I can't expect him to be here 24/7 or that I can monopolize all his time and not have him have his own life and go do other things.
I guess what I'm getting at is I need to branch out and reach out of my comfort zone and start interacting with other friends again and also definitely get my ass to a meeting ASAP.
I'm really struggling with strong feelings of loneliness right now. Sitting in this apartment day in day out without anyone to talk to is starting to take its toll on me. I also haven't been to a meeting in over 2 weeks so that might have something to do with it. I;m also realizing that I'm putting all my eggs in one basket as far as T__y goes. Ye's he's back in Vegas and yes we've gotten close; yes we spend a lot of time together and yes he comes over a lot to spend time with me, but I can't expect him to be here 24/7 or that I can monopolize all his time and not have him have his own life and go do other things.
I guess what I'm getting at is I need to branch out and reach out of my comfort zone and start interacting with other friends again and also definitely get my ass to a meeting ASAP.
Accepting Our Feelings
Why do we struggle so with our feelings? Why do we work so hard to deny our emotions, especially concerning other people? They are only feelings!
In the course of a day, we may deny we feel frustrated in reaction to someone who is selling us a service.
We may deny that we feel frustrated, angry, or hurt in reaction to a friend.
We may deny feelings of fear, or anger, toward our children.
We may deny a whole range of feelings toward our spouse or the person with whom we're in a love relationship.
We may deny feelings provoked by people we work for, or by people who work for us.
Sometimes the feelings are a direct reaction to others.
Sometimes people trigger something deeper -- an old sadness or frustration.
Regardless of the source of our feelings, they are still our feelings. We own them. And acceptance is often all that is necessary to make them go away.
We don't have to let our feelings control our behavior. We don;'t have to act on each feeling that passes through us. We do not need to indulge in inappropriate behavior.
It does help to talk about our feelings with someone we trust. Sometimes we need to bring our feelings to the person who is triggering them. That can breed intimacy and closeness. But the most important person we need to tell is ourselves. If we allow our feelings to pass through us, accept them, and release them, we shall know what to do next.
Today, I will remember that feelings are an important part of my life. I will be open to my feelings in family life, in friendships, in love, and at work. I will feel my feelings without judging myself.
In the course of a day, we may deny we feel frustrated in reaction to someone who is selling us a service.
We may deny that we feel frustrated, angry, or hurt in reaction to a friend.
We may deny feelings of fear, or anger, toward our children.
We may deny a whole range of feelings toward our spouse or the person with whom we're in a love relationship.
We may deny feelings provoked by people we work for, or by people who work for us.
Sometimes the feelings are a direct reaction to others.
Sometimes people trigger something deeper -- an old sadness or frustration.
Regardless of the source of our feelings, they are still our feelings. We own them. And acceptance is often all that is necessary to make them go away.
We don't have to let our feelings control our behavior. We don;'t have to act on each feeling that passes through us. We do not need to indulge in inappropriate behavior.
It does help to talk about our feelings with someone we trust. Sometimes we need to bring our feelings to the person who is triggering them. That can breed intimacy and closeness. But the most important person we need to tell is ourselves. If we allow our feelings to pass through us, accept them, and release them, we shall know what to do next.
Today, I will remember that feelings are an important part of my life. I will be open to my feelings in family life, in friendships, in love, and at work. I will feel my feelings without judging myself.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Double Life
So, confession time: I've been using off and on for the last 2 weeks. It was fun again at first, but I'm starting to let it get out of control again and it's taking over my life and putting everything important to me at risk of being lost.
I'm overall not happy with myself when sober because of my body image insecurities and my weight and because I'm alone in this apartment so much.
So I thought getting high would fix all that; that I wouldn't be lonely anymore. That I'd lose weight and be skinny again, that I'd have my sexual appeal back and look, act, and feel confident again with who I am. But after 2 weeks, I've realized that I'm not happy using either because I'm not just instantly skinny, I primarily get high alone so I'm still isolating myself, and all my insecurities about my weight are amplified.
So I have no idea why I even want to keep using because it's only perpetuating my insecurities and loneliness and isolation and leaving me feeling even more destitute than ever.
When the drugs stop working, maybe it's time to put them down.
I'm overall not happy with myself when sober because of my body image insecurities and my weight and because I'm alone in this apartment so much.
So I thought getting high would fix all that; that I wouldn't be lonely anymore. That I'd lose weight and be skinny again, that I'd have my sexual appeal back and look, act, and feel confident again with who I am. But after 2 weeks, I've realized that I'm not happy using either because I'm not just instantly skinny, I primarily get high alone so I'm still isolating myself, and all my insecurities about my weight are amplified.
So I have no idea why I even want to keep using because it's only perpetuating my insecurities and loneliness and isolation and leaving me feeling even more destitute than ever.
When the drugs stop working, maybe it's time to put them down.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
"We Got in a Fight"
I know the title of this blog sounds so juvenile and is reminiscent of being a kid and saying "mommy and daddy got in a fight"...but it's the best way to sum up something that happened between me and a friend yesterday that is still affecting me today and has completely ruined not only yesterday, but left me in a foul mood today as well.
Regarding yesterday and the incident in question, while I can't and shouldn't go into specific details regarding the exact cause of the fight, I can fast forward to the fact that it caused a very close and important friend of mine to completely blow a gasket and get launched into a full blown panic and rage. In retrospect, while I freely admit that there were things that I should've said or handled differently when all this was going down, I can't help but stick to a strong conviction that I have that whatever I said or did wouldn't have made a difference because the things that I did say or try to do in my defense or to explain regarding the situation were only shot down or mocked or completely disregarded by my friend. When this happens and I feel as though my words are going in one ear and out the other without any regard or consideration, I shut down and shut up and just let the other person continue on in the chaos and insanity without me. So this basically lead to a very uncomfortable car ride home in which I sat quietly in the car as my friend called me a piece of shit and accused me of not caring or giving a shit about him and his valuable time and also tell me that after that day, we probably won't be friends anymore and that I shouldn't expect to hear from him.
Now I'm not reporting his tongue lashing and harsh words to paint him in a bad light. He was extremely frustrated and clearly having an anxiety attack so I can overlook all that was said because as one who has been afflicted by anxiety/panic attacks in the past (and as one who does irrational things when caught in anger's grip) I can completely understand and empathize with him and the fact that he wasn't thinking rationally and probably didn't mean a lot of the things he said. However, while I have a hunch he didn't mean the majority of the hurtful things he said, his epithet still had an effect on me and has left me in a foul, stanky funk all day yesterday and all day today. At first I was confused as to why I was letting what he said affect me so deeply, but I think I've figured it out: while normally when someone goes off on me, calls me names, tells me "what's wrong with me" etc etc...I can usually easily just shrug it off and ignore the comments and their speaker's validity because if it's coming from someone I could give 2 shits about, then why would I care what their opinion of me is or what they have to say at all? However, the harsh words and criticisms and rage was all coming from someone that I DO care about and someone who's opinion of me matters a great deal. So I guess since the person saying these things is someone I care for and respect, the words soared right past my defenses and nailed me right to the core. For the remainder of the day yesterday and all day today, I've felt completely worthless and keep hearing my friends words in my head and I feel like a total failure as a person and as a friend. I guess to me and my brain, it's not so important what is said, but rather who says it, that determines what kind of effect it'll have on me.
In a nutshell...as the blog title says: "we got in a fight" and it's really upset me and I'm very afraid that I've lost a very good friend in the process, just after having gotten him back after him living in another city for the past 5 years. I don't know how this will all work itself out, but I'm praying for some resolution :-/
And if by any chance the person in question finds his way to this blog and is reading this: again, I'm very very sorry on so many levels for many things and I took all of what you said to heart and I know I'm a shitty person and a piece of shit and I'm sorry.
Regarding yesterday and the incident in question, while I can't and shouldn't go into specific details regarding the exact cause of the fight, I can fast forward to the fact that it caused a very close and important friend of mine to completely blow a gasket and get launched into a full blown panic and rage. In retrospect, while I freely admit that there were things that I should've said or handled differently when all this was going down, I can't help but stick to a strong conviction that I have that whatever I said or did wouldn't have made a difference because the things that I did say or try to do in my defense or to explain regarding the situation were only shot down or mocked or completely disregarded by my friend. When this happens and I feel as though my words are going in one ear and out the other without any regard or consideration, I shut down and shut up and just let the other person continue on in the chaos and insanity without me. So this basically lead to a very uncomfortable car ride home in which I sat quietly in the car as my friend called me a piece of shit and accused me of not caring or giving a shit about him and his valuable time and also tell me that after that day, we probably won't be friends anymore and that I shouldn't expect to hear from him.
Now I'm not reporting his tongue lashing and harsh words to paint him in a bad light. He was extremely frustrated and clearly having an anxiety attack so I can overlook all that was said because as one who has been afflicted by anxiety/panic attacks in the past (and as one who does irrational things when caught in anger's grip) I can completely understand and empathize with him and the fact that he wasn't thinking rationally and probably didn't mean a lot of the things he said. However, while I have a hunch he didn't mean the majority of the hurtful things he said, his epithet still had an effect on me and has left me in a foul, stanky funk all day yesterday and all day today. At first I was confused as to why I was letting what he said affect me so deeply, but I think I've figured it out: while normally when someone goes off on me, calls me names, tells me "what's wrong with me" etc etc...I can usually easily just shrug it off and ignore the comments and their speaker's validity because if it's coming from someone I could give 2 shits about, then why would I care what their opinion of me is or what they have to say at all? However, the harsh words and criticisms and rage was all coming from someone that I DO care about and someone who's opinion of me matters a great deal. So I guess since the person saying these things is someone I care for and respect, the words soared right past my defenses and nailed me right to the core. For the remainder of the day yesterday and all day today, I've felt completely worthless and keep hearing my friends words in my head and I feel like a total failure as a person and as a friend. I guess to me and my brain, it's not so important what is said, but rather who says it, that determines what kind of effect it'll have on me.
In a nutshell...as the blog title says: "we got in a fight" and it's really upset me and I'm very afraid that I've lost a very good friend in the process, just after having gotten him back after him living in another city for the past 5 years. I don't know how this will all work itself out, but I'm praying for some resolution :-/
And if by any chance the person in question finds his way to this blog and is reading this: again, I'm very very sorry on so many levels for many things and I took all of what you said to heart and I know I'm a shitty person and a piece of shit and I'm sorry.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Fighting For Survival: How Bad do you REALLY want to recover?
It amazes me how people in dire situations and are currently living in a state of crisis do nothing but perpetuate the crisis, wallow in negativity, and are so full of ego that they shut down and refuse any potential avenue of help that presents itself.
After having lived like this for 2 years, I can see right through all the bullshit and smoke screens and have no patience or tolerance for this. When you're fighting for survival you need to be open to whatever avenues of help that present themselves because it could help you move forward. If you only want help YOUR way and don't do whatever it takes for you to be okay, you will stay stuck in your rut and negativity and your problem because it's YOU who got you there in the first place.
"Our best thinking got us into trouble" is an absolute true statement. If we are unwilling to take suggestions or be open-minded to do whatever it takes, we won't get anywhere or recover from whatever ails us.
I've recently had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting someone in dire straights and am amazed at their inability to do nothing but exude negativity, wallow in how much of a victim they are, are completely close-minded to any and all suggestions for help other than the ones that coincide with how they think the help should come, and are so full of themselves and are bursting with self-importance and ego that they think and behave as if the entire world and everyone around him should adapt to THEM and THEIR wants and needs, not that HE should learn to adapt to LIFE if that's what it will take to survive.
As one having experienced this, I don't have the patience or tolerance for someone like this, nor do I want to be around them and let them drag me down with them.
Get the fuck away from me and out of my life. Go somewhere else if you wish to continue to destroy yours and refuse the help that the universe presents to you. YOUR way obviously doesn't work but you won't admit that you have NO idea how to fix your current situation, but you just want to blame it on everyone else and on circumstance. The world won't adapt to your whims and wants, you need to adapt to IT. It's called LIFE motherfucker. Deal with it.
After having lived like this for 2 years, I can see right through all the bullshit and smoke screens and have no patience or tolerance for this. When you're fighting for survival you need to be open to whatever avenues of help that present themselves because it could help you move forward. If you only want help YOUR way and don't do whatever it takes for you to be okay, you will stay stuck in your rut and negativity and your problem because it's YOU who got you there in the first place.
"Our best thinking got us into trouble" is an absolute true statement. If we are unwilling to take suggestions or be open-minded to do whatever it takes, we won't get anywhere or recover from whatever ails us.
I've recently had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting someone in dire straights and am amazed at their inability to do nothing but exude negativity, wallow in how much of a victim they are, are completely close-minded to any and all suggestions for help other than the ones that coincide with how they think the help should come, and are so full of themselves and are bursting with self-importance and ego that they think and behave as if the entire world and everyone around him should adapt to THEM and THEIR wants and needs, not that HE should learn to adapt to LIFE if that's what it will take to survive.
As one having experienced this, I don't have the patience or tolerance for someone like this, nor do I want to be around them and let them drag me down with them.
Get the fuck away from me and out of my life. Go somewhere else if you wish to continue to destroy yours and refuse the help that the universe presents to you. YOUR way obviously doesn't work but you won't admit that you have NO idea how to fix your current situation, but you just want to blame it on everyone else and on circumstance. The world won't adapt to your whims and wants, you need to adapt to IT. It's called LIFE motherfucker. Deal with it.
Monday, June 16, 2014
My New Role
So I haven't provided any update on my life in quite a while, but considering the state of things right now and the frame of mind my sanity has deteriorated to, I felt it necessary to get some of this out tonight in an effort to....purge? Expunge? Vent? Take your pick.
So, about 2 weeks ago, I had to call an ambulance one evening to come help my roommate who was on the floor of his shower screaming in agony from stomach pains and laying in a pool of his own feces. It took a couple days, but after a myriad of tests, it was discovered that he had Colitis, a rare bacteria infection called Shigalla (I think?), and, worst of all, was officially suffering from AIDS as his viral load was over 400,000. Needless to say, the hospital was the right place for him to be as his health was, and still is, very fragile and he can barely muster up enough energy to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
As a result of his medical incapacitation a void was left in his life: there was nobody to take care of and tend to all his affairs that he normally would if he were healthy and able to: His dog, his bills, his plants, his rent and relationship with his landlord (which was extremely volatile when I first stepped in due to his owing her money). Seeing this situation, I knew that somebody would need to step in and help him manage his life until he would be able to do so himself, but he has no family out here in Vegas, no close friends, and without hesitation I stepped up to the plate and took the reigns of my roommate's affairs so that his life wouldn't fall to pieces while he was incapacitated.
So, for the last two weeks I've been taking care of his dog, watering his plants, cleaning his house, collecting and organizing his mail, opening his mail and identifying any bills and keeping record of their due dates, created a list of all maintenance problems for a repair man to come in and fix, done all of his laundry, and completely mended and, overall, IMPROVED, his relationship with his landlord as I helped to settle the debt he was in to her and helped facilitate the reimbursement of funds to her from my roommate.
That was the easy part....The hard part started a few days ago when my roommate got home from the hospital (which, in a nutshell he left AMA from). On top of everything I've already been doing, I now have to take care of a practically dying grown man that sleeps all day and is so weak and fragile he is only capable of going to the kitchen to get food which he then takes back to his bed and leaves dirty dishes and silverware and glasses and cups all around the bedroom. I've now taken on the roll of the one who makes bill payments, cleans up the kitchen after he ravages whatever food he can get his hands on, errand runner/shopper for when he sends me to Wal-Mart to buy things, and overall caregiver and maid and nurse.
All of this may sound very noble and selfless of me to give so much of myself to the well-being of another person and their life, but as a result I'm beginning to suffer in MY life.
Over the course of the past 2 weeks, I feel as though I've completely lost myself and my identity. My life has been consumed by his, my needs have been superseded by his, my time is now completely consumed with cleaning up after him, caring for him...basically managing every aspect of his life. And it's left me feeling completely barren. I feel as though I have no friends left and the loneliness I feel at the end of the day is beyond description; In a nutshell, to help continue his life, I've given up mine.
There was a brief shimmer of hope though, as anyone who may read this knows: this weekend the Electric Daisy Carnival will be making its appearance here in Las Vegas, and for those of you who know me...I LIVE for EDC. Some of the most incredible and joyful and spine-tingling chill inducing moments of my life have been experienced at past EDC's. As a result of being homeless, I was, obviously, unable to attend last year...But this year there was a brief shimmer of hope that I maybe, just maybe, able to go have fun under the electric sky.
But then I lost my dream job because of perceived warning signs of not "fitting in."
And tonight, I had my one last back-up plan effort to acquire the funds to obtain a ticket: I was going to ask my roommate for a loan of the cost of a ticket. Now some of you may be shocked that I had the balls to do this, but I'll just say in my defense that I know my roommate's finances and to sum it up, he is DEFINITELY not hurting in the money department. So I asked...
And without hesitation: he said no.
I quickly and discretely retreated to my room and began to cry. This is my reward God? This is what I get for being selfless and giving and putting somebody else first and helping save their life and livelihood?
So...I'm bitter, I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm devastated, I'm lonely, I'm miserable, I'm depressed, I'm pessimistic, I've lost all hope, I've switched into self-destruct mode, I feel like I'm going crazy, but most of all I'm angry: at myself, at my roommate, at my life, at God.
So I'll just continue to fester in my anger as I take care of this house and his responsibilities and affairs and ignore my sad, stupid life, because hey: I may be neglecting myself and my life and not caring for myself, but at least doing his laundry and cleaning his kitchen and feeding his dog and paying his bills is keeping me occupied. Fun right?
Bitter. Bitter and hateful.
Goodnight
M
So, about 2 weeks ago, I had to call an ambulance one evening to come help my roommate who was on the floor of his shower screaming in agony from stomach pains and laying in a pool of his own feces. It took a couple days, but after a myriad of tests, it was discovered that he had Colitis, a rare bacteria infection called Shigalla (I think?), and, worst of all, was officially suffering from AIDS as his viral load was over 400,000. Needless to say, the hospital was the right place for him to be as his health was, and still is, very fragile and he can barely muster up enough energy to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
As a result of his medical incapacitation a void was left in his life: there was nobody to take care of and tend to all his affairs that he normally would if he were healthy and able to: His dog, his bills, his plants, his rent and relationship with his landlord (which was extremely volatile when I first stepped in due to his owing her money). Seeing this situation, I knew that somebody would need to step in and help him manage his life until he would be able to do so himself, but he has no family out here in Vegas, no close friends, and without hesitation I stepped up to the plate and took the reigns of my roommate's affairs so that his life wouldn't fall to pieces while he was incapacitated.
So, for the last two weeks I've been taking care of his dog, watering his plants, cleaning his house, collecting and organizing his mail, opening his mail and identifying any bills and keeping record of their due dates, created a list of all maintenance problems for a repair man to come in and fix, done all of his laundry, and completely mended and, overall, IMPROVED, his relationship with his landlord as I helped to settle the debt he was in to her and helped facilitate the reimbursement of funds to her from my roommate.
That was the easy part....The hard part started a few days ago when my roommate got home from the hospital (which, in a nutshell he left AMA from). On top of everything I've already been doing, I now have to take care of a practically dying grown man that sleeps all day and is so weak and fragile he is only capable of going to the kitchen to get food which he then takes back to his bed and leaves dirty dishes and silverware and glasses and cups all around the bedroom. I've now taken on the roll of the one who makes bill payments, cleans up the kitchen after he ravages whatever food he can get his hands on, errand runner/shopper for when he sends me to Wal-Mart to buy things, and overall caregiver and maid and nurse.
All of this may sound very noble and selfless of me to give so much of myself to the well-being of another person and their life, but as a result I'm beginning to suffer in MY life.
Over the course of the past 2 weeks, I feel as though I've completely lost myself and my identity. My life has been consumed by his, my needs have been superseded by his, my time is now completely consumed with cleaning up after him, caring for him...basically managing every aspect of his life. And it's left me feeling completely barren. I feel as though I have no friends left and the loneliness I feel at the end of the day is beyond description; In a nutshell, to help continue his life, I've given up mine.
There was a brief shimmer of hope though, as anyone who may read this knows: this weekend the Electric Daisy Carnival will be making its appearance here in Las Vegas, and for those of you who know me...I LIVE for EDC. Some of the most incredible and joyful and spine-tingling chill inducing moments of my life have been experienced at past EDC's. As a result of being homeless, I was, obviously, unable to attend last year...But this year there was a brief shimmer of hope that I maybe, just maybe, able to go have fun under the electric sky.
But then I lost my dream job because of perceived warning signs of not "fitting in."
And tonight, I had my one last back-up plan effort to acquire the funds to obtain a ticket: I was going to ask my roommate for a loan of the cost of a ticket. Now some of you may be shocked that I had the balls to do this, but I'll just say in my defense that I know my roommate's finances and to sum it up, he is DEFINITELY not hurting in the money department. So I asked...
And without hesitation: he said no.
I quickly and discretely retreated to my room and began to cry. This is my reward God? This is what I get for being selfless and giving and putting somebody else first and helping save their life and livelihood?
So...I'm bitter, I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm devastated, I'm lonely, I'm miserable, I'm depressed, I'm pessimistic, I've lost all hope, I've switched into self-destruct mode, I feel like I'm going crazy, but most of all I'm angry: at myself, at my roommate, at my life, at God.
So I'll just continue to fester in my anger as I take care of this house and his responsibilities and affairs and ignore my sad, stupid life, because hey: I may be neglecting myself and my life and not caring for myself, but at least doing his laundry and cleaning his kitchen and feeding his dog and paying his bills is keeping me occupied. Fun right?
Bitter. Bitter and hateful.
Goodnight
M
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