Doctor's Appointment

Yeah, today was one of those days we all hate or dread or fear because of our dislike for doctor's, doctor's offices, or something about the medical profession that just rubbed us the wrong way.  Nothing about the profession rubs me the wrong way at all.  Hell, those people are in the business of saving lives; more power to 'em.  So why do I dread doctor days?  For a very specific reason and diagnosis and for those of you close to me and who know me personally will know exactly what I am talking about because I will not openly disclose it on here, as you never know who might read this and you can't trust anybody these days (no seriously, ANYBODY).
Anyway, back to my doctor's visit.  I'll skip any flourish and pomp:  it went great.  My health in this particular area is fantastic and everything else they ran tests for came back squeaky clean.  So, essentially, today, I got a clean bill of health.  Feels good to know that I may be a fuck up in some areas...but as far as personal health and taking care of myself, I officially got the doctor's approval.

Stay tuned....

Jedi Master

So my new sponsor is nothing short of a Jedi Master.  Although, for those of you that know him, he's probably bearing more of a similar appearance to Darth Vader, being all tall n' black n' shit, but I am going to liken him to Yoda, as the wisdom, experience, strength, and guidance this man is giving to me on a daily basis is nothing short of a true gift from God.  

Two instances in the last 24 hours are standing out for me.  In the first, it's concerning a phone list I received at a meeting recently.  Upon receiving it and after mulling it over for a while at home, I decided that I was going to do something different for a change and actually use the phone list and call some people from it.  Well not exactly call...I decided to text.  I thought I was doing all fine and good with this decision since I would be jumping out of my comfort zone a little bit and reaching out to new people I didn't know.  Upon telling my sponsor, however, I was quickly told "Woah woah woah...back up.  Everything was great until you started being stupid."  In a nutshell, he told me the whole reason of a phone list was for me to CALL the people on it and step out of my comfort zone of isolation and keeping myself separated from other people, and that hiding behind a text message was not going to cut it.  So bam, lesson #1 right there.

Lesson #2 involves the current fight I'm having between myself and, as I've taken to calling her over the past 24 hours, the "Dragon Lady" (aka my mother).  To make a long story short and condense it to the essentials:  she fell short of some responsibilities that she had and fucked up and is refusing to either acknowledge or apologize for any wrong doing and is accusing me of being crazy like I'm making shit up, and to make matters worse is then hiding behind recovery lingo and al-anon slogans to show how "recovered" she is so that she doesn't have to take part in my "insanity."  Bitch, holding you accountable for your actions (or inactions in this case) is not insanity.  How I'm gonna show up at your house and break every fucking window there if you hang up on me one more time....THAT'S insanity.  But after telling my sponsor all of this and venting he got me to cool down, and essentially talked me off the ledge of doing something stupid and got me back into the voice of reason and reminded me that I'm going to need her before she's going to need me, that I should pick my battles, and that, on this one, I need to let her off the hook.  And as much as it kills me, I know he's right, and I'm going to have to.  

Even though I KNOW the bitch fucked up.  

I am not crazy or making this shit up.  

Stay tuned...

Wtf...what time is it?

Did I seriously wake up at 7:20 of my own accord on a Sunday after getting a full night's sleep?  What the hell is going on around here.  You'd think I was acting like a grown up and being responsible or something.  Now I get to go to my home group meeting though, Sunday Morning Meeting, at 9:30!  And of course, the one day that I finally decide to return to that meeting and will be in attendance, I get a text from my sponsor saying he won't be there.  Lame.
Other than that, things have been really quiet over the last week.  I'm under orders/guidance from my sponsor to "be by myself for 90 days."  In other words, no "stray kittens," no random tricks, no random visitors in my apartment, no sketchy company, no drama, no sketchy/questionable friends, none of it.  Just me being by myself, because he said Michael needs to get okay with just being with Michael and not having to rely on having anybody else around to validate my existence.  I know he's right, but it's fucking lonely for a codependent like me who is used to gauging if he's okay based on making sure everybody else is okay.  Now that I don't have anybody else to focus on, all the attention, focus, and spotlights are on me and my feelings and my actions and behaviors and it's uncomfortable because I have to accept full responsibility for whatever happens throughout the course of my days now.  On the plus side, since implementing this "no stray kittens" directive, the past week has been quiet, calm, and peaceful, which is different from what I'm used to which is drama, chaos, or always something going on that I'm in the middle of or inserting myself in the middle of.  So sitting with myself and trying to get comfortable just being by myself is definitely proving to be a challenge, but so far it seems to be worth it because that loneliness I originally felt is subsiding and I'm starting to value my solitude and alone time to be able to do what I want or need to do to take care of myself.

Speaking of taking care of myself, time to get in the shower and head out for the meeting.

Stay tuned faithful followers.....

What the hell time is it?

I actually woke up this morning before 8 o'clock.  And I had slept for almost 12 hours.  I was feeling really anxious yesterday (again for some reason, it's been happening a lot lately) and decided to take one of the new medications my psychiatrist had added to my regimen:  Hydroxyzine.  It came with a warning that it may make me drowsy but I thought "Bitch, I was a meth addict, it takes tranquilizer darts and ambien to take me down" and laughed it off. UMMMM....Hydroxyzine is NO JOKE.  I took one of those things and a clonopin and I was OUT for 5 solid hours, woke up, ate some string cheese, and went right back to bed and slept all the way through until this morning.  So that medication is staying in my arsenal for when I can't sleep...shit ain't a joke.
Being up this early also has another perk:  I didn't sleep in, as usual, through my alarm, which means I'm awake and gonna be able to shower and get dressed here shortly and head to one of my favorite meetings all week:  Man to Man (a men's stag meeting) at the 3M Club.  I also may hit up Saturday Night Surrender later tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital, but we'll see what I get into today and what my day entails as the afternoon unfolds.
Another project that I know I need to get started on is my next journal project.  See, I keep 2 journals.....there's this one, that you're reading now, which, for the most part, covers summaries and re-caps of my days and thoughts, but, I will admit, is edited and watered down in certain areas that are unfit for the public eye.  The REAL journal, where the REAL shit is...the kinda shit that would land me in jail for if I ever ran for public office, the black mail type of shit:  all that shit is in the actual journal:  the composition notebook I keep on my person at all times.  Before cracking a new one open and starting to write in it, I pimp it out with pictures, photos, and images that I find and have saved on my computer and then seal them all over the notebook using packing tape to give it that glossy sheen over the front and back.  So if you're reading this, and you ever see me out and about and happen to get a glance of a notebook matching that description, that's what that is.  And don't even ask to get near it:  I will kill you.  :-)

Anyway, time to get ready for the meeting.  Have a good Saturday faithful followers.

Stay tuned....

Friday!

It's Friday!  Not like that really means much to me as my schedule pretty much consists of me doing whatever the fuck I wanna do whenever the hell I wanna do it or feel like it.  Which is why I think establishing a routine schedule this past week or two has been so difficult.  I identified that meeting attendance, recovery, and surrounding myself with positive, other recovering people needed to be a priority.  But my meeting attendance has still been slacking because I, being the perfect example of what it says in the Basic Text "something in our self-destructive personalities cries for failure") always manage to find something else to do, some excuse not to go, or am just lazy and end up taking a nap instead and sleeping through meetings, waking up on time, or staying up way too late at night at which I have no business being up at 2 AM glued to my computer monitor working on shit for the business that, I will freely admit, I've become completely obsessed with.  I want to absorb as much knowledge as I can about getting it off the ground and what successful steps and methods to implement like...RIGHT AWAY.  I want all of it now and it leaves me up till 2 or 3 in the morning networking on LinkedIn, building and expanding my social circles on Google +, , updating profiles on different Social Media platforms, or making more To Do lists of shit I need/should do to continue to market myself and get the word out that Elite Assistant Services by Michael is open for business.
Wow....after just typing all that out and reading back where my priorities are....I will freely admit that I've got shit twisted and fucked up.  My recovery is not in the number one spot and I've become obsessed with building this business and am putting other things first ahead of me building and maintaining a stable life.  Time to reassess some things.

Stay tuned.....

TRIVINO, MICHAEL. Case # 105371760A,

So about a month ago, while I was dating this guy for like 3 weeks (just long enough for me to figure out he was a manipulative asshole), we went out one night to Walmart and I asked if I could drive just for kicks since I hadn't driven in forever (due to my license being revoked).  He said sure, we pull out, leave, and are literally driving down Lake Mead for the 45 seconds it takes to get from my place to the grocery store when BAM....flashing lights behind us.
Long story short, I got fucking lucky that night because they didn't arrest me, but I did get a traffic citation.  The original court date for this to be handled was on Monday.  However, I went down to the Regional Justice Center on Monday and at the traffic citation help window the teller looked up my case and informed me that due to the nature of the offense (driving on a revoked license), it requires a mandatory hearing before a judge.  So I'm kind of freaking out right now and getting more nervous by the second because I just have this image in my head that they're gonna arrest me on the spot for something or if I'm not able to pay the full fine fee right on the spot.  The last 2 times I went to jail I was on G or high and just wanted to lay down so I didn't really give a shit where I was.  If I go to jail while in recovery....something is VERY wrong with this whole picture.
Other than that, stuff has continued to be quiet in all other areas, social life included.  Now that I've figured out that I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by or associating with people I can't trust, it's been very quiet around here.  Calm, peaceful....but at the same time boring.  On the plus side, it's giving me ample time to spend hour after hour in front of my computer screens piecing together this new business and what I'm trying to build.  I still have no fucking clue what the "right" way to do this is, so I'm just learning as I go.  That's how I learn best anyways....hands on kinda thing.

Anyway, got a bunch of shit to do before it's time to leave for court.

Stay tuned.....

The Beginning of my "Work Week"

So today is Wednesday, which means it's the beginning of my work week.  M______ (the owner of Morgan Specialties) and I agreed that my days to come in and volunteer would be Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.  So I just wanted to check in here real quick before I eat a quick breakfast, down another cup of coffee, get in the shower, get dressed, and jet.
I'm slowly but surely being consumed by everything pertaining to the business getting off the ground.  I find myself constantly looking for ways to either A-enhance the size of the population who will see advertising for it thereby bringing me clients or B- anything that has to do with what appears to be result producing, cost-effective, lucrative methods of marketing and advertising.  Just now I signed up on YP.com so hopefully that'll gain some attention.  And of course I'm going to spend some time later tonight going down the check list of things I already know I need to do that'll increase my target audience and also increase the likelihood that they'll be reached and results will come about.  I'm slowly becoming completely obsessed with it and helping it grow.  Maybe that's a sign I'm going to make a great business owner?  Or maybe that's just reaffirmation that I'm an addict and I'm obsessed with yet some new fad lol.

Stay tuned.

Smooth Sailing

Day 2 of smooth sailing so far.  Granted I just woke up about an hour ago so nothing momentous has had the opportunity to rock my day yet,but I'm anticipated another good day of attending meetings, talking to my friends,and quiet time at home, and not having to participate in any bull shit drama.  It feels like I've finally, successfully, cracked the formula to having peace, calm, and serenity in my life, and that is to completely remove the elements that oppose that from my life.  Even if that means I'm alone 98% of the time, I'll take that over getting stabbed in the back, manipulated, lied to, stolen from, used, or otherwise abused in some fashion by somebody that I thought I could trust, then having them turn out to be another trash box generated by this dumpster of a city.

In other news, now that things have quieted down in my life, I am able to focus and turn my attention toward things that I was, previously, ignoring or just didn't have time to get to because of the distraction other crises were creating.  For instance:  my meeting attendance has gone back up, and I am back to making at least one a day, usually 2.  Which, I've discovered, is paramount to my sanity because it keeps me connected to people, gives me a chance to be social and talk to others in recovery, and forces me to have interactions with voices and people outside the multiple evil ones in my head that are constantly telling me I'm worthless and not good enough for anything or anybody and that I should kill myself (yes, my negative self-talk really is that bad).  Another example is my business project.  Since removing negative distractions and ill-meaning people, my attention and time has been freed up and I've been able to clock more time into getting my baby off the ground and working slowly more and more towards what it'll take to get this thing off the ground and in the air and generating a profit.  I still have a long way to go, but the ball is rolling and the gears in my head are turning and I know what steps I have to take, one foot in front of the other, to get to where I wanna be next in order to make this successful.

Speaking of the business, it's time I worked on that for a little while.  Until next time faithful followers.

Stay tuned.

Shhhhh.....do you hear that?

Oh my gosh....do you hear that?  Is that.....quiet?  Calm?  Peace?  Lack of chaos?  Order?  No drama?  I don't want to jinx it, but I think it just might be.  God, again, did for my what I couldn't do myself over the past couple of days and removed a few more people out of my life and me out of their social circle, which only serves as a benefit to me because these people were trouble or trouble waiting to happen and the kind that would drag you down with them when they flushed down the toilet.  So that's 3 down and removed total.  I wonder who's next?  All I know is the one's that are left standing after others being picked off are the ones that I need to direct my attention to and that are my real friends and they are the ones I need to be investing in.  Not those other losers.
Meanwhile, I got a job!  Sort of.  For the last several months I've had many different people from many different places all tell me the exact same thing "get involved in volunteer work.  You'd love it.  It'll give you something to do.  You'll feel better about yourself.  Blah blah blah."  And then there's me with my huge ego replying with "oh no if I'm investing my time and my energy and my work skills into some place I feel I need to be compensated for it."  #bitch
So, I've been emailing back and forth with a friend that my mom and I know who happens to own two very successful businesses,  We got on the topic of me volunteering and she said she'd love to have me.  So I started last week.  It's only 3 days a week, Wed, Thurs. and Friday from 10am to 4pm (or whenever I feel like leaving).  And she also said after a while of this and seeing what kind of contribution I'm giving to the operations of her business, if she realizes that I'm a direct asset, she'll just hire me outright and start paying me.  So that's cool.
Finally, I had court today down at the Regional Justice Center for a traffic citation I received when getting pulled over while driving this asshole's car (that I only ended up dating for like
 or 4 weeks, thank God).  The official charge was "driving on a revoked license."  I show up to the Justice Center expecting a long wait until my name comes up on the docket, but instead am directed to a huge lobby that was very DMV-esque with the numbered booths and the "take a number" system.  My number gets called, and then the oh-so-NOT pleasant employee behind the desk informs me that due to the nature of the charge, driving on a revoked license, it requires a mandatory court hearing.  So I now have an official court date to appear before a judge this Thursday at 2pm and I'm nervous AF.  Like I have this image in my head of them taking me into custody right there on the spot and me going to jail NOT HIGH.  The last 2 times I went to jail I was high, so I didn't really care where I was I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep even if it was on the dirty floor of the holding/processing tank at City Jail.  If I go to jail Thursday in recovery and in a nice ouitfit and tie....this bitch will not be happy.

My Bed

So we've reached a milestone....I slept in my bed for the first time last night in almost 3 weeks.  That may not sound like a big deal, but for those of you who know about my neurosis and anxiety issues, we've discussed why I've been choosing to sleep on the couch ever since K_____ took her not so graceful exit from being my roommate.  Last night however, I grabbed my favorite blanket, turned the lights off, and laid down in bed thinking "lemme just try it."  And I guess my body was ready for a regular bed again because I was out within seconds and slept almost 12 hours.  So no more sleeping on the couch for me.
Other than that, the last 2 days were a total roller coaster thanks to an unexpected introduction to a new person I didn't plan on meeting.  This person is pretty much amazing and, of course, they don't live in Las Vegas (because let's be honest, the cool ones never do.  This city breeds nothing but shade and trash).  I had the best time in this person's company, and when we parted I was kind of caught off guard with how difficult it was to say good bye, but thanks to the training this city has given me, I was able to switch off any and all emotions I was having, dust myself off, get up, and walk away and start pushing through the crowd as I made my way out and off the Strip and back toward home.  I doubt I'll ever see or hear from this person again, but I thank God and the Universe for showing me there are still awesome people out there somewhere that show up every once in a while.....

They just don't live in Las Vegas.

Anyway, today is back to business as usual.  About to get dressed and meet up with the parental unit, go to Best Buy to buy some replacement iPhone earbuds (because somebody stole mine over the weekend) and possibly a new lightning cable because mine is iffy on when it decides it wants to work.  Then possibly Urgent Care (because I think my Cellulitis is back in my arm), then a meeting later tonight at 6.  Happy Saturday *eye roll*

Without fail...even if it kills me

So Sunday night, right before I went to bed, I took a quick glance at my calendar/planner that I had mapped out the week in and reviewed what I had committed to for the week.  And the theme that stuck out became immediately apparent:  meetings every single day of the week, multiple meetings on most days.  Because last week there was a severe, critical shortage of meetings, so much so that I was absolutely crazy for the majority of the week; stuck in my own head, acting out in all sorts of different, sick ways, and not handling situations with as much grace and dignity that I know I'm capable of, but, instead, losing my shit and causing yet more wreckage around me.  So getting to the point, today, Tuesday, I had mapped and planned out as to having it go a certain why at certain times and for me to be at certain places at such and such time for this duration etc etc.  Okay well we've all heard the expression "when we make plans, God laughs."  Today was nothing but a testament to that statement.
The doctor's appointment that I thought I would be in too long for me to make a meeting at 10:30 ended up ending with enough time for me to have made the meeting.
Then, if I wanted to go to the noon meeting, there wouldn't have been enough time between that meeting and the 2:30pm meeting for me to get from one spot to another since I take the bus, then would have to leave that meeting early to get to my dentist appointment I have scheduled at 4pm, which I was going to go to the 2:30 meeting and just leave a little early so I could get to the dentist on time, but I had leaving meetings early so since I'm an addict and it's "all or nothing" I decided to skip the 2:30 and am now just going to go straight to my dentist appointment and leave my place around 3:15, then when my dentist appointment is overt I'm going to my old Home Group meeting, "Blind Faith," which, I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about going to considering particular members that will be in attendance and that the last time I was there it was very evident that personalities had been placed higher up on the list of priorities above principles and that the meeting had turned into a fucking popularity contest like some high school bullshit.

But a meeting is a meeting, even if it's a shitty, catty, judgmental one, and I refuse to waiver from my commitment to myself to make at least one meeting a day every day this week.  My sanity depends on it.  Time to hop in the shower and get ready so I'm on time for the dentist.

Perfect Timing -- Evidence of my HP at work

So, for those of you that have been following my recent events or that know me better than just blog or Facebook posts, you know I experienced a sort of upheaval in my home life/living situation last week as the person who had committed to being my roommate decided to bail on me and promptly moved all of her shit out of the apartment that same day, paid what money she owed me, and peaced out.
In retrospect, my sponsor was absolutely right when he, in response to this development, said that this was actually a blessing and that it was an example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself; that she saw that I was all about recovery right now; about stability, responsibility, accountability, all those other spiritual principles that the program teaches us....she saw that and decided to high-tail it outa here because that didn't vibe with what she wanted to happen.  So while on the one hand my sponsor may be right about her taking her leave being a good thing, I didn't and don't feel like it was, because there was this moment, just after she left, when the apartment was quiet again....

all the movers had left.....her and her psycho brother were gone....whatever thugs she had rounded up to help motive shit were gone...and it was just me alone in the apartment, standing in the middle of the empty second bedroom and there I was listening to the silence.  And it was deafening.  And I thought "great....yet again, another person that couldn't stand or didn't want to be around you.  you don't get to have friends.  you don't deserve to have friends.  of course she left, why would she want to even live with you?  you're a worthless piece of shit.  you're destiny is to always be alone so get used to flying solo loser."
And that's where my mind has been stuck at since last Thursday.
Until tonight.

Recently, I had been emailing back and forth with a friend of mine who happens to own a pretty successful business out here in Las Vegas and we were tossing around the idea of me maybe showing up at one of her job sites and putting in some volunteer hours.  We fin ally scheduled and finalized a phone conference call for this evening and I gotta say, I'm pretty blown away by the power of one simple step in the right direction, for the sake of personal and spiritual growth, and in the spirit of open-mindedness.....what all of that can produce.  Not only did I sign up for and am now committed to volunteer work 3 days a week at her corporate office (which is a 5 minute bus ride from my apartment btw), but she said knowing my talent and level of skill that when it gets to the point where she sees that she and her business can't live without me she'll just hire me outright and start paying me as a full time employee.

God saw that I was dying inside from loneliness and isolation and depression....and sent this little package of goodness right down in front of me.  So grateful and excited to see where this goes.  My first day is this Thursday.

Stay tuned....

Forcing Myself

So after getting my ass chewed out by two of my closest friends in recovery that I respect very much and value their opinion more so than many other people, I made a decision today to follow their guidance and direction and feedback they gave me last night in regards to some unsavory behavior I've been taking part in over the past couple of weeks:  shoplifting and being incredibly promiscuous.  And my justification/rationalization/excuse for why it was all okay was "so what if I'm acting out in other areas of my disease; at least I didn't pick up."  Well my one friend, A_____ wasn't having any of that bullshit and quickly replied "that is no excuse.  You're getting high just off of your defects and acting out in them."  She continued on to chew me out (out of love of course) but it was still really uncomfortable because she pulled a lot of my covers that I've been hiding under to make my recent behavior acceptable in my mind.  But bottom line is:  it isn't acceptable and it's on through luck and the grace of my Higher Power that I haven't suffered any consequences (yet) as a result of my stupid actions and retarded behaviors).  Cuz really, let's be honest:  if I land up in jail again CLEAN, I would die and be mortified and ashamed beyond repair.  So the solution they said was to tell my sponsor about everything I had just told them about, which I haven't been telling him because I was afraid that he would "fire" me at the first sign of unsatisfactory behavior and that he was expecting perfection, not progress which resulted in me being kind of scared to be totally honest with him for weeks now.
But today, after processing what they said last night, especially what they said that if I'm not getting honest with my sponsor and opening myself up to be vulnerable to this one person who is signed up to help me fix, my thinking, and show me a new way to live, then I'm fucking wasting his time, I decided to come clean to T___ and called him and laid it all out for him.  And to  my surprise, I wasn't rejected like I was expecting to be.  In fact he said that that level of honesty was what I should be doing because I need to be telling him this stuff so he can learn to get to know me and how my disease works on me so he can help me.  If I'm not completely forthcoming from him; if I'm keeping secrets from him; if I'm sponsoring myself, then nothing will change and I'll be stuck in this same rut that I feel like I'm in right now indefinitely .  And I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Riding Solo

So, I can't go into all the details of the events that took place and the conversations / verbal scuffle that took place leading up to this, so I'll just fast forward to the main point:  K_____ packed up her shit and moved out on Thursday.  I'm alone in this apartment, again.  Don't get me wrong, I like having my alone time and having solitude and quiet and just me doin' mah thang.  But sometimes, especially being by myself in 2 bedroom apartment, I get really lonely and get a yearning for contact or interpersonal communication of any kind, and that's typically what results in me online in front of A4A or BBRT for hours, not so much looking for sex, but just some kind of company I guess.
T___, my sponsor, said this was a clear example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and that through His power, he removed her from my life and current living situation because she wasn't meant to be there and she had bad news written all over her.  And honestly, in retrospect, considering all the issues she had, where she was at mentally/psychologically, her lack of adherence to basic courtesies such as accountability or gratitude or respect, and her ties to her FUCKED up dysfunctional family which she showed no signs of wanting to break free from and build her own life, I can honestly say that her leaving was probably the best outcome of that whole situation that I could've hoped for.  T___ also said that, for now, I need to learn how to  be okay with just Michael, with being alone and having my alone time and being comfortable enough with myself and knowing  I also have my Higher Power at any moment's notice, that I don't need a roommate to validate my yearning for company or need to have someone to talk to.
The roughest part is just that her leaving triggered all my rejection and abandonment issues all over again, so that's what I'm struggling with the most now.  Like "yet another person rejected you AGAIN."  And then that ties into my "not good enough" thoughts and that brings us to where I am today:  restless, apathetic, obsessive, and depressed.  I'm going to a meeting tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital  6 o clock CANNOT come fast enough.

Fuckery

That word is how I can best describe what today was filed with:  absolute and total fuckery.  While I was lucky enough to have slipped into an opening spot in my doctor's schedule for my hospital stay follow up, the visit did not go as planned and all of my goals for what I wanted to walk out of there with were totally shot down topped off with an explanation of "go get a PCP (primary care physician) " which royally pissed me off.
The rest of the afternoon was uneventful...until the 2:30 meeting I went to.  All was going well (it turned out to be a birthday meeting so there were more people in attendance than usual for a Wednesday afternoon).  But, us being addicts and sometimes fucking up, personalities came before principles and shit got loud and tense for a second.  But I let it go, shrugged it off instead of destroying the old piece of shit like I wanted to, and let the moment go.
Fast forward a couple hours and here's the thing that really got my blood boiling and has had me pissed off all night:  I got into a little verbal scuffle with my new roommate.  I've been re-reading back through the conversation; reading what she said/how she worded her responses, reading what I said it and how I was wording stuff, and I realized a couple things.  One:  we were both holding back what we REALLY wanted to say and were acting extremely diplomatic out of respect and regard for one another, because underneath the nicities and politeness, I could tell each of us wanted to reach through the phone and bitch slap the other and call the other a cunt and tell the other to STFU.    Two:  we both have the same "fighting styles."  As I read through the conversation and saw the hostility, volatility, and intensity of our responses escalating, I could sense that each of us was starting to reach that point where we go into "destroy mode" and we demolish our target.  That being the case, I need to always from this point on keep this in mind because if left unheeded and unregarded, another verbal altercation in the future, if left completely unchecked and un-monitored, could blow up into World War 3 with a huge fall out and epic damage dealt to both sides.  Because K_____ is just like me:  in it to win it.  
This whole thing has just been me bitching ab.ck.  I'll be fine, but definitely learned some things today.  At the end of it all, I'm grateful I get to go to sleep soon and have it be over and hit the "reset" button and start all over again tomrrow.

Overload

The title I gave to this entry made me chuckle because NO it is not in any way related to the movie from Treasure Island Media (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, Google it and thank me later).
So quick update since my last post.  Even though it's only been a few days, I've kept constantly busy with setting things in motion and finding out more and more knowledge of what getting a legitimate small business off the ground takes and how I'm going to successfully market myself and generate clients and revenue.  Plus, there's all the behind the scenes stuff I didn't know about, such as company name licensing, whether or not to choose an LLC or DBA, etc.  Another question to tackle is who my target audience is going to be of who I want to advertise to. and I'm thinking that the answer to that is going to be mainly those who will have administrative or executive level assignments to offer me as that is what I'm most skilled at and can really display my full potential at and have them think of me in the future when they need assistance again on the job.
Another question to consider is method of marketing:  do I want to send out a bunch of brochures or flyers via regular mail to a target audience of people whose addresses I've acquired?  Or do I want to, potentially, reach an even larger scale of recipients and send out an email blast to just about everyone I have an email listed in my contacts to.  In a nutshell, there's tons of decisions to make and things to decide on to keep moving forward in laying the foundation to building this structure up to the point where money starts coming in.  But, I am the one, lone, solo employee so everything falls back on me to make the judgment calls.  And one thing I've also learned so far with some of the tools at my disposal that K_____ shared with me when we were talking about starting that social media marketing company, is this:  make decisions swiftly, with confidence,m and quickly.  When faced with a decision making time scenario, make your decision and stick with it and move forward.  So that's what I've been trying to do.  So keep your fingers crossed guys, the success (or failure) of this venture literally rests entirely on my shoulders.
In other news, I'm not sure if I commented on this in any previous entries, but I recently switched sponsors and got a new one.  After having stuck with C___ for a long time, I realized that he just didn't have what I needed in a sponsor any more and that the opportunity was present (and being utilized for me to lie, manipulate, scheme, and steam roll right over him and tell him and have him believe exactly what I thought he wanted to hear.  And that is a dangerous place for me to be, because if I sense that in a person, there is NO question:  I can and will exploit that and end up lying, manipulating, or taking advantage of you in some form or fashion (yes, deep down I am that much of a self-centered scum bag).  So after a month of trying to rationalize why I should stick with him, then another month of just procrastinating because I didn't know who else to ask to replace him, I finally had the "break up" talk with him and, despite being super nervous, it went really good and we parted with love and amicably.
Now the NEW sponsor...Mr. T___ C.  This mother fucker don't play.  I knew him from when I lived at the LVRC recovery house when he was just the house manager, and I remembered that he was the one that was always pushing me to do better, accomplish or achieve more, to push myself outside of comfort zone and reach for that goal that we all in program are constantly trying to attain:  CHANGE AND GROWTH.  T___ was always that guy pushing me and, most importantly, always the one that said that one thing it took to piss me the fuck off.  Not because he was a dick, but because whatever he had just commented on or said to me....he was right about, and he wasn't afraid to pull my covers and tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.  So at that point, my desired new sponsor choice was pretty clear and I was lucky enough to have him accept the challenge of tackling my brand of crazy.
Anyway, that's about it regarding significant happenings in my life.  Gonna have to start remembering to update 2 blogs instead of just this one soon since my company is going to be set up on Blogger.com as well.

Stay tuned bitches.

Birth

Okay....yes.  I'm doing it.  I've set things in motion and am getting the ball rolling.  I can't believe I'd ever be saying this but....I'm starting my own business.  There's tons of stuff and ground to cover just to lay the foundation of getting your own small business up and running; tons of stuff I didn't even know about regarding legalities and legal issues and paperwork that needs to be signed off on and what not to make you official, but honestly, it's working out just as the Universe knows best because I am a very hands on person and I learn as I go and learn as I do things.  So each step that's uncovered (and consequently the step that I need to take after that) reveals new things to me about this whole process and I'm getting educated as I go through the experience. 
I really hope this takes off.  The more work I put into this the more passionate about this being successful I'm becoming. 

Stay tuned everyone.

Overflow

So in my attempt to come up with solutions to keep myself busy, I've slowly but surely become more and more open-minded toward any potential panacea for that listless feeling I was used to having all the time when I was just sitting around my apartment with nothing to do, no where I needed to be, nobody to talk to, and nothing to focus on.  Now, through the principles I've done my best to practice daily from the Program, as well as trying to remain as open-minded as possible to any and all solutions that may present themselves instead of shooting something down before I even give it a try, I've come up with so many damn things to do that I've, inadvertently...well...given myself too much homework.
Between my daily routine maintenance stuff (like self-care actions and behaviors, daily meeting attendance, staying closely connected with my new sponsor T___ , I've typically got full days as it is with stuff to keep be occupied (especially when you factor in the god forsaken travel times it takes when you're taking the bus.  Goddamn that stupid thing and it always being late)

But within the last couple of weeks, mainly this past week, I've gotten really motivated and developed more initiative to find and start more projects and more things for me to be working on that not only are serving the function of A - keeping me busy, but everything that I've started within the last couple of weeks are all concerning areas of my life that have to do with self-improvement, making amends for damage I've done in the past (both to myself and others), taking responsibility for unacceptable behavior I used to participate in the past, and, over all, just me becoming a better version of myself and tending to all areas of my life so that I can be the best me I can be.
All that is fine and good and all.

But I think I got a little over-zealous because I have so much shit to do now that I've started that I feel like I'm back-logged on homework in college again and I have to hurry up to catch up.  Fortunately, that is not the case, and the rule from NA applies to this current area of my life also:  "progress,.not perfection."

So today, task by task, item by item, I'm going to trudge through all the work I've scrounged up for myself and work through it toward my goal of bettering myself.  I guess today is an adulting day lol.

PS,

Happy Friday everyone.

Landslide

Tonight has been, internally, intense.  I ended up having a quiet night at home in my PJ shorts and comfy clothes early and spent time with the roomie which illicited some very intense, deep psychological-in-nature conversation about some issues and roadblocks each of us have right now that are standing in the way between us and further emotional and spiritual and psychological growth and self-awareness.  And me,being the good little codependent I am, immediately hopped up and switched into "Mr Fix It Mode" because part of what's wrong with me is that I get validation off of helping you fix your problems, so I get to ignore myself and what's wrong with me.  Thus, I embarked on what I've been doing for the last few hours, which is working on projects and solutions that will benefit K_____ as well as myself in goals we each have individually and in a shared sense.

But now that I've crossed over into "solution" mode, I can't turn it off, and I have a million different ideas and solutions and things I know I need to and can do to provide remedies and solutions to situations or roadblocks....I just can't execute them all at the same time, or right now for that matter at 2:39 in the morning.  So I'm having to settle for taking extensive notes and writing everything down in battle/strategy plan format for now, and just keep in mind that tomorrow is another day filled with a whole new opportunity to make the most out of your day and tackle as much as you can and are willing, or let countless opportunities pass you by if you don't take the reins, take control, and be the writer of your own goddamn story, instead of just sitting in a pool of laziness and apathy and procrastination and watching shit come and go and wonder where the hell you were during all of it.