buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i treated myself today to a hair cut....if you want to count it as a real hair cut considering how much hair i even have left.

and my hair is shaved and buzzed and short and stubbly.

and i don't even want my hands on my own head right now.  i only want one pair of hands

and they are very much absent.

:(

just finished reading Sharp Objects. the ending was just as fucked up and twisted as i remember.  i love that book.  now...what's next?

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Reckless
or The DaVinci Code (yeah, i never read it. stfu)

kthnx

ps,
new project is almost done.  it actually took on a theme this time and i'm already really liking it.

"Things"

Things?  it's ridiculous how such a stupid sounding word can be used a term that be used with the intent of encompassing an entire group of something or the entirety of a situation.  like things with me right now.

"things" right now are neither here nor there.  i'm just here.  While I'm not about to start marching in some parade for how great I am or start jumping up and down proclaiming that I'm just all better and fixed and wonderful, at the same time I'm also not wallowing in the feeling that I am stuck in a ever-sinking, tar-pit, slow death-like form of life that was all that was left after i destroyed it.  So, in a nutshell, I feel better in the sense that I can admit that:  yes, "things" are getting better (not 100% yet), but I feel less....fractured and trivial and disappointing than I did at life a few weeks ago. 

But I'm still not good.  Maybe it's just right now.  As in this particular moment at 12:42am.  I said it before and I'll say it again:  night time is dangerous for me.  it's quiet, and i'm by myself.  and the silence can be dangerous for my mind and my skin.  So maybe right now would not be the best time to do a self-assessment of how great I am. 

But overall, hopefully I'm not being too overly zealous, but I feel as though "things" are, possibly, just maybe, starting to mend...that I'm maybe starting to punch my way out of the wooden box that I buried myself alive in at "The Lonely Grave of Paula Schulz." 

i still think about him every day.  nothing has changed there.  i still have every feeling for him i did when this all began.  I am working on me, slowly but surely.  But every single feeling and yearning and pang of guilt and remorse and love and wanting to be near him and with him is still very much alive every day in my head. 

at times i almost feel like my own fucking brain is the biggest detriment to the rest of my health and my life. 

"myself will be the death of me"

cautious optimism

due to the negative thinking that i've recently been made aware of (and the fact that it is so deeply a part of my personality at this point bc of how i led my life) I feel hesitant to admit this due to my unrealistic expectation of things turning sour the second i admit this but...here goes:

yesterday and today were good days.  even with finding out that someone died, tonight's topic was "Gratitude"  and the last few days I have definitely been given a reminder of the things that i would be a fool if i were not grateful of them.

things at work have been going good.  slowly but surely putting together more piezes of the rubix cube that is Rohloff & Associates.  i think i have listings down, but we started on Short sales today.  let's just say i have even more respect of my mom since short sales are what she specializes in, due to the fact that just ONE of those can make someone want to shoot themselves in the face.

i've been wanting to pick up my phone and text him recently too...buti can never think of a reason that would justify any attempt at bothering him, so ...needless to say i havent.  eerily enough, the individual who died over the weekend was also named R____y.    the more i find out about the circumstances/events leading up to his death the more i'm upset.  being found of an overdose dead as a doornail in the middle of a field close to your house means that he died completely and utterly alone.  knowing the type of people he was associating with i don't think he was with anyone who would care enough.  so he somehow wandered out to this field, and died there.  no friends, no family, no loved ones, nothing.  He died completely alone.  and he was 1 of 2 brothers, the other which also committed suicide.  and now his mother will have had buried both her sons

and that breaks my heart.  as if it wasn't already decimated in the first place.  finding all this out just, put me in not a good place.

but you gotta keep going.  i have to.  i can do this.  watch me

death

someone we knew died over the weekend. 

of an overdose.

Loss of Humanness

"I fear our loss of human contact.  We're addicted to devices and programs that makes us feel like we're connecting when in fact we're just becoming more and more isolated and more and more silent.  We use Facebook, texting, and email as substitutes for actual human contact; we even call each other's voicemails to avoid actually speaking to each other.  And as we get more and more used to electronic means of communication, our senses receive less and less stimulation and our interactions are stripped of their humanness.  Our tribes dissolve even further.  I believe this is what has made us more neurotic and more violent and even more depressed."

speaks for itself

"In a nightmare, his own terrible love and grief tore down the world."

did that just happen?

actually spent a major part of the day with jeff and had really good conversation(s) with him.  wtf?

status report

day:  35.  and that feels really good.  hard to pinpoint specific things that i miss...or that, in hindsight, were worth any of it.

Chari tells me i'm not as "scattered"  that i seem better.

it's strange.  i don't see it?  maybe i am.

it doesn't feel like it.  especially considering the fact that i've set upon myself every night for the past week.

i deserve every mark for what i did to him.

i've been having really fucked up panic attacks too.  like ones that cause me to practically run out of wal-mart tonight.  i'm not particularly sure what set it off.  i tried to identify it in my ever-happening attempt at increasing my self-awareness (especially of the things that i was oblivious of for the past few years), but i can't place it sometimes.  this overwhelming panic of...i guess everyone around me (in whatever immediate physical setting i'm in) suddenly recognizing me as this giant failure/joke.  like "oh you!?  omg everyone look!"

completely and totally unrealistic i know, but the feeling is still there.

on that note, i do believe it's time to clean myself up and go to bed.

goodnight.

"cuz i'm not who i used to be"

but now he lives inside
someone he does not recognize
when he catches his reflection
on accident

unmarked and fresh

i just found a new spot

mass email

i wish i could find everyone who's had the unfortunate of crossing my path in the last 3 years...and just send them a message

it would read:

"I'm sorry I was such a disappointment  Please forgive me.  You deserved better."

deadly

You'd think that the things that I'd need to stay away from for my own well being right now would be obvious.  However, certain nights -- tonight in particular -- always catch me off guard. 

Where the music to distract me isn't enough.
The book I'm reading isn't enough.
The books I've gotten from reading aren't enough.
Family Guy isn't enough
Chelsea isn't enough. 
Video games aren't enough.

None of if is enough to shut it off.  The constant replay of what's happened and the end of the world proportion of guilt and self-hatred and shame that slams into me with the force of a super nova.

So then all of the above is shut off.  And then there's just quiet.  Just me by myself and the silence.  And night's like tonight I've become painfully aware the silence has the potential to be more dangerous than anything that's happened in the last 3 months.

So here I am.  Just me.  and it's quiet.  and i feel like everyone is gone.  and i have none of the friends i thought i did, or would.  and i still miss him more than anything any one could possibly imagine. 

and the silence is still here and i fucking hate it.  and i fucking hate all of this and want to fast forward 6 months to a place where maybe i have some semblance of a respectable and reputable life again and i don't feel afraid of seeing anyone i know where i want to run and hide because i'm so ashamed to show my face anywhere in public. 

and it's still fucking silent. 

mistake of the day

i shouldn't have texted him.  stupid. stupidstupidstupid

important lessons from Kelly

"This is an important lesson to remember when you're having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year.  Things will change:  you won't feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most.  I believe you can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache.  You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail.  You can't know what it's like to feel holy until you know what it's like to feel really fucking evil. "  -Kelly Cutrone

reminder

that we would've been one year.  one year with the best thing that ever happened to me.  happy un-anniversary.  :( :( :(  i miss you

i'm so sorry

dentist

another 6 months cavity free.  i hate reveling in that news every time i'm told it because i feel like just because i am happy about it and i said it outloud, next time i go is gonna be not so good news.

but today, x-rays and all, looks like everyone is behaving.  go teeth go!

here's the day you hope'd would never come

as if this song wasn't already being played by me enough in the last month, i found this video this morning.  2 of my favorite things combined.


Speeding Cars

1,2 SWITCH!

officially had to switch sides tonight.  ran out of room.  never thought that was gonna happen :-]

flying solo

yes.  indeed.  i don't know why i thought it was going to be anything different. 

go ahead and play with those clean balls

there are no words:  i'll let the commercial speak for itself.


how can i get my balls clean?

they're gonna eat me alive

the session was short today, but the words imparted in were short, brief, but powerful:

"this isn't about anybody but me."  not in a self-centered and careless sense where i don't give two shits about anyone around me.

but me in the sense that.  i am the focus.  i am the epicenter of this and all of it.  i will make this happen or bring things to a complete standstill...or completely go in reverse and make what's left my my world crumble.

i dunno about you, but i'd prefer to get with the creation. 



you
i'm sorry i texted you, but i was worried because of the rain.  but i got to talk to you, and it sort of....made my day.  i'm sorry to have bothered you.  

Day 3 in a row

and i am back at it with a vengeance. 

When it Rains

and then came the rain.  and instantly your life seems so much more dreary and pathetic and pointless than it did just an hour ago before the ground was wet and the clouds seem so dark and crushing and ominous that just by stepping outside you're almost obligated to put a pistol in your mouth.

it's 5:43...

and i am up and ready to start my day.  wtf

throwing in the towel

giving up on monday.  today was, officially, just awful.  going to turn in.  busy week at work anyway.  :\

casualty count: 3

lost him
and now 2 more people.  apparently i'm not fit to have friends through this crisis. 

where's my "collapse into yourself and die on the spot" button. 

1 of those i'm still praying i get back one day.  on that i will NEVER give up.  i just have to be patient on that...hopefully i won't have totally lost my chance.

i hate this :(  now more than ever

liar liar LIAR

i cannot believe what i was just told.   this whole thing this whole fucking life of mine is 1 sad joke.  apparently i am doing this by myself.  go me

ouch

gave in last night and did it.  oh well.

finished "If You Have to Cry Go Outside, and other Things Your Mother Never Told You."

waiting for the varnish on one of my paintings to dry (that stuff fucking stinks)

i think i'm gonna go back and read Sharp Objects

why not?

i used to try not to for him, but....why not now?  who the fuck cares now if i do it or not anyway

Turn It Off

i can't stop listening to this song today.  for some reason over the past week every time I hear Hayley singing these lyrics, I can't help but to think that this song -- from start to finish -- encapsulates my life.

And that sucks. 

Because that one lyric about realizing that you're better off when you hit the bottom.  It still doesn't feel like that. 

All this time later and I still feel like I'm missing a crucial part of me.  And as each day passes I get this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I'm never going to get it back.

Not like I deserve to get him back.  :\

Off to Target with mom to pretend like I'm okay.

Ps,
one of my "best friends" has turned out to be nothing of the sort and if she's reading this I hope she's okay due to the fact that I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks and counting.  However, her actions/inactions have been unbearably hurtful, especially when I already feel like giving up on the world as it is.  Now it feels like she gave up on me.  And then didn't even have the decency to talk to me about whatever it was or what the issue is.  I'm not even good enough to keep him, then apparently not good enough to retain a friend.  Go me

help....

help i'm a live my heart
keeps beating like a hammer

at the gym

i walked in the gym and hadn't even been there 5 minutes and Poker Face came on the gym channel.

thought of you.

if you're still reading this, just know i thought of you.  hope you're ok

bear attack

gummy tummy :(

now what did we learn?

so, i unexpectedly came across some information that...well i'm not quite sure what to do with it, if i'm going to do anything with it at all....

it's a good thing i checked the interaction checker before actually testing out this Zyprexa they wanted me to sample....

but um..yeah i then found out what happens to an individual who has the Zyprexa and Ativan (lorazepam) in his/her system.

why wouldn't i have known that shortcut like 2 months ago?

today

i missed you more than ever.  again:  i'm so sorry

"take home something with you each time"

"and that's all i have for now..............

and that has to be enough."

that's been running through my mind all day.  i know it [everything of me right now] has to be enough...but i still feel like i didn't make the qualifications to be successful at...well...anything?  i'll admit i feel that i am, possibly, in a better state/frame of mind than i was last week.  however, i can confidently say that while i may not be bad (or in last week's case, as ready to permanently throw in the towel as i was), i am still, definitely, not great or even good for that matter. 

but i guess "that has to be enough?"  :-\

i hope he's doing better.  i think that's been one of the harder parts of this whole ordeal:  knowing how much horror and heartache and pain i caused him.  so...hopefully he's faring better and smiling and happy.

unconciousness required: STAT

i don't know why but i have this feeling of isolation.  complete, total, absolute isolation from anything and anybody and i feel like this wave of being completely alone just tsunami-in-the-islands washed over me and completely destroyed my mental place for the evening. 

none of my friends are answering their phones, nobody i feel safe talking to is online, i'm sitting here in front of my lap top listening to the Decode acoustic in the dark, and the one person i would love more than life itself to talk to wants nothing to do with me right now.



i think it's time to go sob in the shower for a while and check out for the evening. 

acoustic? seriously? now?

i know it's probably not too smart to be listening to this.  the lyrics and the original version alone are murder when you let them sink in...

but then i found this.  and i fall to pieces.  if you're reading this, you probably won't want to hear it, but here it is anyway:

how did we get here?

Worrier to Warrior - K. Cutrone

"The spirit of a warrior is not geared to

indulging and complaining, nor is it 

geared to winning or losing. The spirit of

a warrior is geared only to struggle, and

every struggle is a warrior's last battle 

on earth.  Thus the outcome matters very 

little to him.  In his last battle on earth a

warrior lets his spirit flow free and clear.

And as he wages his battle, knowing 

that his intent is impeccable, a warrior

laughs and laughs."

-Carlos Castaneda