So I've created somewhat of a dilemma all of my own making. You see, about a month ago, I decided to make a particular meeting my "home group" meeting. It was the Sunday Morning Meeting, Sundays at 9:30 AM. It's an excellent meeting with LOTS of recovery and plenty of people with tons of clean time there (most in double digits). It also just so happens to be the home group of my now sponsor. Well making the decision to join that group was all fine and good, but now there's just one slight problem that has presented itself.
I haven't shown up or attended that meeting for over 3 weeks since joining.
I was supposed to go today and meet up with T___ (my sponor) but I slept right through my alarm and on through the morning until;it was time for my mom to pick me up to take me grocery shopping and for us to have lunch. I've tried calling my sponsor just to check in but he didn't answer when I called, but I already know I'm going to get an earful and that I'm going to hear something along the lines of I'm not making a big or substantial enough of an effort to chase my recovery or that I'm doing a piss poor job in recovery or some bullshit like that.
Oh well. I chose this guy because he always has told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, and 9 times out of 10 always said something that struck a nerve and pissed me off. So this will just probably end up being one of those times when I'm reminded why I picked him in the first place.
Oh, and ps, there is not one fuck given that it is Super Bowl Sunday. I'm probably going to take a nap here shortly and kick off was 20 minutes ago. #sportsfail
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Fucked up Day right from the start
So here I was going about my morning thinking I was on time for everything, that everything was going smoothly and that I had plenty of time to get my day started. I leave the apartment on time (or so I thought), get on the bus, am heading to my destination (3M Club for a meeting) when I call my sponsor and have a little chat with him. We go over a few things then I tell him I'm going to the men's stag meeting at 3M Club. To which he replies "you know you're late right?" And I was like "huh? It starts in 5 minutes." To which he then pointed out that I was absolutely mistaken, that Saturday's meeting starts at 10 AM, not 10:30 like I thought and that I was already a half hour late.
Basically I began my day with being late, and stuff has gotten more fucked up since.
Most recently and significantly, D_____ asked me to do something for him just now and I attempted to, but failed at it miserably and now I'm pretty sure he's mad at me and is just containing his rage and suppressing the urge he has to punch me in the face. So today's not going so well at all. =\
Basically I began my day with being late, and stuff has gotten more fucked up since.
Most recently and significantly, D_____ asked me to do something for him just now and I attempted to, but failed at it miserably and now I'm pretty sure he's mad at me and is just containing his rage and suppressing the urge he has to punch me in the face. So today's not going so well at all. =\
2/6/2016 - Saturday
Despite last night being a Friday night and the start of the weekend, I'm pretty impressed with myself that I went to bed at a pseudo-reasonable hour woke up when I did this morning because for the past couple of weeks I've slept in past 10 or 11 in the morning. But now that I'm up on time, I'm going to be able to make it to the men's stag meeting at 3M Club at 10:30 so I've gotta make this a quick check in before I get ready and bounce.
Had a great night with K_____ last night. We had a girls' night out doing some shopping, going out to dinner, then came back to the apartment and I stepped up my "man" game and helped assemble her bed. I used tools and everything! I felt so butch. After that, I farted around on my lap top for a while and worked on a couple projects and then decided to call it quits and went to join D______ in bed and went to sleep, where he is still snoozing away. I'm conflicted on what to do about this situation. I definitely have feelings for the kid, but am unsure of if he's right for me due to the gap in certain areas of our lives, such as structure, discipline, level of responsibilities just to name a few. I'm still operating on a "one day at a time" basis with the whole situation and am just taking each moment as it comes and dealing with it as it happens. Because if I don't and start analyzing it too much, I'm going to over think the whole fucking thing to death and manifest some self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and doom that'll be entirely my fault and won't even allow him and I to have a fair shot at making this work. So basically I'm trying to my best to step back and let things happen as they are going to happen and not finger fuck the situation to death with my obsessive thoughts or my own self-will. Whenever I've adopted that attitude, it usually works out for the best and keeps me from going completely insane within my own head.
Anyway, that's it for now. Gotta get dressed and head out. Stay tuned folks.
Had a great night with K_____ last night. We had a girls' night out doing some shopping, going out to dinner, then came back to the apartment and I stepped up my "man" game and helped assemble her bed. I used tools and everything! I felt so butch. After that, I farted around on my lap top for a while and worked on a couple projects and then decided to call it quits and went to join D______ in bed and went to sleep, where he is still snoozing away. I'm conflicted on what to do about this situation. I definitely have feelings for the kid, but am unsure of if he's right for me due to the gap in certain areas of our lives, such as structure, discipline, level of responsibilities just to name a few. I'm still operating on a "one day at a time" basis with the whole situation and am just taking each moment as it comes and dealing with it as it happens. Because if I don't and start analyzing it too much, I'm going to over think the whole fucking thing to death and manifest some self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and doom that'll be entirely my fault and won't even allow him and I to have a fair shot at making this work. So basically I'm trying to my best to step back and let things happen as they are going to happen and not finger fuck the situation to death with my obsessive thoughts or my own self-will. Whenever I've adopted that attitude, it usually works out for the best and keeps me from going completely insane within my own head.
Anyway, that's it for now. Gotta get dressed and head out. Stay tuned folks.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Staying in the present and enjoying what is
So after some advice from a friend about current circumstances with somebody in my life, as well as talking about it with K_____ I've adopted a new thought approach to the current situation and arrangement between D_____ and I. I'm not placing any expectations on the relationship or on what should happen or what I think is going to happen. I'm just going to transition into recovery mode and take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, and enjoy what IS right now, and if it works out: great. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be and I can still break things off amicably and maturely without something blowing up in a nuclear explosion with tons of drama and heart ache. I'm just basically going to enjoy the ride while it lasts, and if/when it comes to a stop, that just means it wasn't in God and the Universe's plan for us to remain together on that level and that we're destined for separate paths. And just even switching into that mindset has alleviated tons of stress and anxiety because I'm no longer stressing or obsessing over stupid, mundane things or things I have no control over. I caught myself falling into my old, obsessive, codependent behaviors lately and it was masking me crazy and in the end I realized it was all over stuff I couldn't control but was trying to control or influence or bend to my whim. And my whims are all unrealistic, selfish, self-centered, and self-destructive, as we all know this being true to all addicts. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of valid points I could list off about him and his behavior that are valid points that I think anybody might/would most likely be irritated with. But he is just being himself and going about living each day how he normally would, so I'm not going to fault him on him just being himself. I needed to just inject myself with bigger doses of tolerance and patience and empathy instead of being so impatient, insensitive, and judgmental.
Anyway, time to jet, going to a 2:30 meeting to get some recovery in for the day. More later.
Stay tuned folks.
Anyway, time to jet, going to a 2:30 meeting to get some recovery in for the day. More later.
Stay tuned folks.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Portents of things to come
So my new relationship with D____ was going better over the last few days (I thought so at least) after having examined some of my behaviors in how I was treating him after getting a chance to put myself in his shoes and imagine what it would feel like in his place moving into a new home and jumping into a relationship as quickly as we did.
I will give full credit of my increase in patience and tolerance and understanding to my effort at increased meeting attendance, because when I've been able to share about what's been going on and hear myself articulate out loud to the group how I'm feeling or what my problem is, it is, inadvertently, igniting a process of processing through all my feelings and emotions and thoughts that I'm bitching about regarding that particular problem, and by the end of my share, I feel like just in sharing I found the solution because I was able to get it out vocally, look at it in the face, and choose another tactic instead of the self-defeating one my head will try and convince me to take.
Anyway, like I said things had been going pretty good. However, last night, long story short, I got some feedback about D_____ from a trusted source who shall remain anonymous that made me very wary of D_____'s intentions, as my friend and confidante informed me that, to him, D_____ seemed like the person who would take advantage of someone and a particular situation if it benefited him, but as soon as something better would come along, he'd jump ship and go join that band wagon and leave the rest of us in the dust.
Then, to add to the drama going on in my head because of this little truth-telling session, more sparks ignite as I am getting undressed in my bedroom and realize I can't find my phone. And thus begun a nearly 3 hour search of trying to find my iPhone in my room to no avail. Finally, after several hours of just being in pure panic mode, I messaged my friend to see if I had possibly left my phone in the back of his car and, to my absolute joy, he found it. Anyway the point of this is, when this friend came back to my apartment to bring my phone back to me, he divulged some more tidbits of wisdom and experience regarding my current predicament and how he suggested I should carry myself and treat the current situation. After hearing his argument, I can firmly agree and enthusiastically admit that I was absolutely WRONG to invite someone to come live in my home and then be my new partner all within the course of a week. I mean I know I got mad swag and I move quick but goddamn. So basically, I'm learning a lot of new stuff about this person that I don't particularly mesh with and am starting to come to the conclusion that we might not be right for each other as, even my closest friend/other roommate told me this this morning, he and I are absolutely NOTHING alike and we operate out of two completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
So I don't know what's going to happen. I'm just going to take it a day at a time and a development at a time and see what unfolds between the two of us and go where life dictates this relationship should go.
I will give full credit of my increase in patience and tolerance and understanding to my effort at increased meeting attendance, because when I've been able to share about what's been going on and hear myself articulate out loud to the group how I'm feeling or what my problem is, it is, inadvertently, igniting a process of processing through all my feelings and emotions and thoughts that I'm bitching about regarding that particular problem, and by the end of my share, I feel like just in sharing I found the solution because I was able to get it out vocally, look at it in the face, and choose another tactic instead of the self-defeating one my head will try and convince me to take.
Anyway, like I said things had been going pretty good. However, last night, long story short, I got some feedback about D_____ from a trusted source who shall remain anonymous that made me very wary of D_____'s intentions, as my friend and confidante informed me that, to him, D_____ seemed like the person who would take advantage of someone and a particular situation if it benefited him, but as soon as something better would come along, he'd jump ship and go join that band wagon and leave the rest of us in the dust.
Then, to add to the drama going on in my head because of this little truth-telling session, more sparks ignite as I am getting undressed in my bedroom and realize I can't find my phone. And thus begun a nearly 3 hour search of trying to find my iPhone in my room to no avail. Finally, after several hours of just being in pure panic mode, I messaged my friend to see if I had possibly left my phone in the back of his car and, to my absolute joy, he found it. Anyway the point of this is, when this friend came back to my apartment to bring my phone back to me, he divulged some more tidbits of wisdom and experience regarding my current predicament and how he suggested I should carry myself and treat the current situation. After hearing his argument, I can firmly agree and enthusiastically admit that I was absolutely WRONG to invite someone to come live in my home and then be my new partner all within the course of a week. I mean I know I got mad swag and I move quick but goddamn. So basically, I'm learning a lot of new stuff about this person that I don't particularly mesh with and am starting to come to the conclusion that we might not be right for each other as, even my closest friend/other roommate told me this this morning, he and I are absolutely NOTHING alike and we operate out of two completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
So I don't know what's going to happen. I'm just going to take it a day at a time and a development at a time and see what unfolds between the two of us and go where life dictates this relationship should go.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Recognizing when I need to apologize and say I'm sorry
So I had a bit of a revelation last night regarding some speed bumps D_____ and I have hit recently revolving around me getting irritated with his habits and household conduct. While yes it is my apartment and my turf and my name on the lease and therefore my rules should be followed, at the same time I recognized I need to loosen up a bit on my expectations of him and cut him some slack because I was failing to recognize how hard this all must be for him. Between moving from one home to the next in such a short period of time and then to me telling him he needed to start throwing more stuff away because we didn't have space for it in the apartment, I can imagine he must be feeling pretty overwhelmed and a little crazy from the twists and turns life has been throwing at him.
So when I got home earlier tonight I made it a point to take him aside and apologize for the way I've been treating him and I hope that I conveyed the sense of empathy and compassion for him during this time.
So when I got home earlier tonight I made it a point to take him aside and apologize for the way I've been treating him and I hope that I conveyed the sense of empathy and compassion for him during this time.
Monday, February 1, 2016
3 Sides to Every Story
So as each day passes, I'm learning more and more about certain new players in my life. Specifically, D_____. I just spoke with someone on the phone regarding him and got a totally different version of events considering something that happened recently regarding which D_____ told me something completely different than what this other person told me. It's nothing earth shattering, but it does concern me that D_____ has potentially lied to me already about something. I guess I have to wait and see how this plays out. Sometimes the best action to take is none at all. Because if I get wrapped up in my disease and in obsession right now with this I'll completely go over the deep end and fall into obsessive behaviors and totally fuck shit up. So gotta sit on my hands on this one and see what happens.
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