Balance

The goal is balance.
We need balance between work and play.  We need balance between giving and receiving.  We need balance in thought and feelings.  We need balance in caring for our physical and our spiritual self.
A balanced life has harmony between a professional life and a personal life.  There may be times when we need to climb mountains at work.  There may be times when we put extra energy into our relationships.  But the overall picture needs to balance.
Just as a balanced nutritional diet takes into account the realm of our nutritional needs to stay healthy, a balanced life takes into account all our needs:  our need for friends, work, love, family, play, private time, recovery time, and spiritual time.  If we get out of balance, our inner voice will tell us.  We need to listen.

Today, I will examine my life to see if the scales have swung too far in any area, or not far enough in some.  I will work toward achieving balance.

Initiating Relationships

Often, we can learn much about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted.

As we progress through recovery, we learn we can no longer form relationships solely on the basis of attraction. We learn to be patient, to allow ourselves to take into account important facts, and to process information about that person.

What we are striving for in recovery is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are, not to their potential or to what we hope they are.

The more we work through our family of origin issues, the less we will find ourselves needing to work through them with the people we're attracted to. Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships.

The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of.

The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.

This is a slow process. We need to be patient with ourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to dysfunctional people can linger long and well into recovery. That does not mean we need to allow it to control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learn - no matter how long we've been recovering.

No matter who we find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship, the issue is still about us, and not about the other person. That is the heart, the hope, and the power of recovery.

We can learn to take care of ourselves during the process of initiating and forming relationships. We can learn to go slowly. We can learn to pay attention. We can allow ourselves to make mistakes, even when we know better.

We can stop blaming our relationships on God and begin to take responsibility for them. We can learn to enjoy the healthy relationships and remove ourselves more quickly from the dysfunctional ones.

We can learn to look for what's good for us, instead of what's good for the other person.

Help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it - even though the other person thinks it may be good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

Letting Go of the Need to Control

Letting go of our need to control can set others and us free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.
If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?
If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?

If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, and then do it.

Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren't trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set others and myself free.

Finding Our Own Truth

We must each discover our own truth.
It does not help us if those we love find their truth.  They cannot give it to us.  It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life.  We must discover our truth for ourselves.
We must each discover and stand in our own light.
We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated.  That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.
We can share information with others.  Others can tell us what my predictably happen if we pursue a particular course.  But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, our knowledge.
There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.
But we can and will, if we want to.
We may want to make it easier.  We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier.  They cannot.  Light will shed itself in its own time.
Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us.  Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.
Encouragement helps.  Support helps.  A firm belief that each person has truth available -- appropriate to each situation -- is what will help.
Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed.  Don't give up until you find it -- for yourself.
We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same.  I will place value on  my vision and the vision of others.  We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries -- the ones that are right for us today.

Resentments

Let go of resentments

Resentments are sneaky, tricky little things. They can convince us they're justified. They can dry up our hearts. They can sabotage our happiness. They can sabotage love.

Most of us have been at the receiving end of an injustice at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who's complained of an injustice we've done to him or her. Life can be a breeding ground for resentments, if we let it.

"Yes, but this time I really was wronged," we complain.

Maybe you were. But harboring resentment isn't the solution. If it were, our resentment list would resemble the Los Angeles telephone directory. Deal with your feelings. Learn whatever lesson is at hand. Then let the feelings go.

Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They're a form or revenge. The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.

Take a moment. Search your heart. Have you tricked yourself into harboring resentment? If you have, take another moment and let that resentment go.

Freedom

Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children.  As adults, we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.
Some of us don't recognize that caretaking and not setting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.
Some of us don't understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.
Some of us don't know that we hold the key to our own freedom.  That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves.  When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk through.

Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom.  I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization.  I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.

Communication

Part of owning our power is learning to communicate clearly, directly, and assertively.  We don't have to beat around the bush in our conversations to control the reactions of others.  Guilt-producing comments only produce guilt.  We don't have to fix or take care of people with our words;  we can't expect others to take care of us with words either.  We can settle for being heard and accepted.  And we can respectfully listen to what others have to say.
Hinting at what we need doesn't work.  Others can't read our mind, and they're likely to resent our indirectness.  The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly.  And, we can insist on directness from others.  If we need to say no to a particular request, we can.  If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.
Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication.  If we don't know what we want to say, we can say that too.
We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don't have to take people around the block with our conversations.  We don't have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense.  We can say what we want and stop when we're done.

Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others.  I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements.  I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible.  And I can be assertive if necessary.

Perfectionism

Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows the process of recovery; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state.  Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful.   We can accept and cherish that idea.  Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority.  Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way.  We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves.  But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit.  And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought.  When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.

Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am.  I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.

Patience

    How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience.  How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something,or to move forward,and then not have that happen.  How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and we're in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
    Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
    Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings.  Feel the frustration.  Feel the impatience.  Ge as angry as you need to about not having your needs met.  Feel your fear.
    Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
    We find patience by surrendering to our feelings.  Patience cannot be forced.  It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude.  When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.

Today, I will let myself have my feelings while I practice patience

Negotiating Conflicts

Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work - problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.

Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.

Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.

Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.

Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.

To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.

We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.

Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.

Facing Our Dark Side

...we look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events -- buried feelings that may be affecting your life today.  We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interfering with the quality of our relationships.  These beliefs say I'm not lovable...I'm a burden to those around me...People can't be trusted....I can't be trusted....I don't deserve to be happy and successful....Life isn't worth living.  We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning self-defeating ones.  With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt -- earned and unearned -- and expose it to the light.
    We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul-searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.

Help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself.  Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it.  Show me what I need to know about myself.