So I haven't provided any update on my life in quite a while, but considering the state of things right now and the frame of mind my sanity has deteriorated to, I felt it necessary to get some of this out tonight in an effort to....purge? Expunge? Vent? Take your pick.
So, about 2 weeks ago, I had to call an ambulance one evening to come help my roommate who was on the floor of his shower screaming in agony from stomach pains and laying in a pool of his own feces. It took a couple days, but after a myriad of tests, it was discovered that he had Colitis, a rare bacteria infection called Shigalla (I think?), and, worst of all, was officially suffering from AIDS as his viral load was over 400,000. Needless to say, the hospital was the right place for him to be as his health was, and still is, very fragile and he can barely muster up enough energy to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
As a result of his medical incapacitation a void was left in his life: there was nobody to take care of and tend to all his affairs that he normally would if he were healthy and able to: His dog, his bills, his plants, his rent and relationship with his landlord (which was extremely volatile when I first stepped in due to his owing her money). Seeing this situation, I knew that somebody would need to step in and help him manage his life until he would be able to do so himself, but he has no family out here in Vegas, no close friends, and without hesitation I stepped up to the plate and took the reigns of my roommate's affairs so that his life wouldn't fall to pieces while he was incapacitated.
So, for the last two weeks I've been taking care of his dog, watering his plants, cleaning his house, collecting and organizing his mail, opening his mail and identifying any bills and keeping record of their due dates, created a list of all maintenance problems for a repair man to come in and fix, done all of his laundry, and completely mended and, overall, IMPROVED, his relationship with his landlord as I helped to settle the debt he was in to her and helped facilitate the reimbursement of funds to her from my roommate.
That was the easy part....The hard part started a few days ago when my roommate got home from the hospital (which, in a nutshell he left AMA from). On top of everything I've already been doing, I now have to take care of a practically dying grown man that sleeps all day and is so weak and fragile he is only capable of going to the kitchen to get food which he then takes back to his bed and leaves dirty dishes and silverware and glasses and cups all around the bedroom. I've now taken on the roll of the one who makes bill payments, cleans up the kitchen after he ravages whatever food he can get his hands on, errand runner/shopper for when he sends me to Wal-Mart to buy things, and overall caregiver and maid and nurse.
All of this may sound very noble and selfless of me to give so much of myself to the well-being of another person and their life, but as a result I'm beginning to suffer in MY life.
Over the course of the past 2 weeks, I feel as though I've completely lost myself and my identity. My life has been consumed by his, my needs have been superseded by his, my time is now completely consumed with cleaning up after him, caring for him...basically managing every aspect of his life. And it's left me feeling completely barren. I feel as though I have no friends left and the loneliness I feel at the end of the day is beyond description; In a nutshell, to help continue his life, I've given up mine.
There was a brief shimmer of hope though, as anyone who may read this knows: this weekend the Electric Daisy Carnival will be making its appearance here in Las Vegas, and for those of you who know me...I LIVE for EDC. Some of the most incredible and joyful and spine-tingling chill inducing moments of my life have been experienced at past EDC's. As a result of being homeless, I was, obviously, unable to attend last year...But this year there was a brief shimmer of hope that I maybe, just maybe, able to go have fun under the electric sky.
But then I lost my dream job because of perceived warning signs of not "fitting in."
And tonight, I had my one last back-up plan effort to acquire the funds to obtain a ticket: I was going to ask my roommate for a loan of the cost of a ticket. Now some of you may be shocked that I had the balls to do this, but I'll just say in my defense that I know my roommate's finances and to sum it up, he is DEFINITELY not hurting in the money department. So I asked...
And without hesitation: he said no.
I quickly and discretely retreated to my room and began to cry. This is my reward God? This is what I get for being selfless and giving and putting somebody else first and helping save their life and livelihood?
So...I'm bitter, I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm devastated, I'm lonely, I'm miserable, I'm depressed, I'm pessimistic, I've lost all hope, I've switched into self-destruct mode, I feel like I'm going crazy, but most of all I'm angry: at myself, at my roommate, at my life, at God.
So I'll just continue to fester in my anger as I take care of this house and his responsibilities and affairs and ignore my sad, stupid life, because hey: I may be neglecting myself and my life and not caring for myself, but at least doing his laundry and cleaning his kitchen and feeding his dog and paying his bills is keeping me occupied. Fun right?
Bitter. Bitter and hateful.
Goodnight
M
