So after years and years of people suggesting I try meditating or asking if I meditate, and telling me how much it puts you in contact with your Higher Power and how great it is for your soul and spirit and how calming it is and blah blah blah, I'd fucking heard enough. As a tweaker/ex-tweaker, I couldn't/can't sit still long enough to be "still" enough to calm myself and.or listen for God to speak to me in some miraculous "burning bush" manner. So I pretty much gave up on it as BS and something from recovery that just wasn't for me; attributing it to the category of "take what you need and leave the rest."
Well, after years of scoffing at it, last night, I think I finally achieved a quiet, peaceful, tranquil enough state that I can't explain the following in any other manner other than just saying that it was like a bolt of lightning out of the blue sky; sending me a message as clear as day that I heard loud and clear and received clearly as if it was from someone shouting in my ear right next to me: my behavior lately (namely, over the past 2 weeks) has been unacceptable and completely out of line with recovery and any sort of healthy, self-awareness increasing, accountability and responsibility increasing manner of thought. More specifically, I've stopped creating over the last 2 weeks, and have, instead, become a black hole of soul sucking energy and am only draining the positive, well-meaning, good-intentioned energy of those around me. I've stopped generating positive vibes and positivity and instead have become a fucking soul sucking succubus, feeding off the life force of others.
I'll expand on this more later and go into further detail of my revelation and what I plan to do on it, but I have an appointment I'm late for.
One that I believe is going to be very fun.
#naughtyfilthywhore
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