Letting Go of Denial

    Most of us in recovery has engaged in denial from time to time.  Some of us relied on this tool.
    We may have denied events or feelings from our past.  We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs.
    We denied the truth.
    Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt.  It would be a loss of something:  trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
    Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul.  It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality.  People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
    We are sturdy yet fragile beings.  Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope.  We do not let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.  
    We will do this, when the time is right.
    We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth.  We will face and deal with reality -- on own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing.  We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
    We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.

Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident.  I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.

People Pleasers

    Have you ever been around people-pleasers?  They tend to be displeasing.  Being around someone who is turned inside-out to please another is often irritating and anxiety-producing.
    People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family.  We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
    People-pleasing can be overt or covert.  We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you."  Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
    Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships.  We have responsibilities to friends, and family, and employers.  We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring.  But, people-pleasing backfires.  Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned.  The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.

Accepting Imperfection

    "Why do I do this to myself?"  asked a woman who wanted to lose weight.  "I went to my support group feeling so guilty and ashamed because I ate half a cookie (baaahahahahahahaha!) that wasn't on the diet.  I found out that everyone cheats a little, and some people cheat a lot.  I felt so ashamed before I came to the group, as though I were the only one not doing my diet perfectly.  Now I know that I'm dieting as well as most, and better than some."
    Why do we do this to ourselves?  I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life.  Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect -- whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
    Whether we're judging ourselves or others, it's two sides of the same coin:  perfection.  Neither expectation is valid.  
    It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough.  That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve.  It means with all our mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course.  Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.

Today, I will love and encourage myself.  I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.

Strength

    We don't always have to be strong to be strong.  Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable.  Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
    We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
    There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible.  Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas.  Sometimes, we cry in front of people.  We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
    Those days are okay.  They are just okay.
    Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to.  We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength.  We are strong.  We have proven that.  Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human.  Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

Solving Problems

    Many of us lived in situations where it wasn't okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
    In recovery, many of us still fear problems.  We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it.  We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift.  Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
   A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible.  Having a problem doesn't mean a person is deficient.  All people have problems to work through.
    In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems.  First, we make certain the problem is our problem.  If it isn't, our problem is establishing boundaries.  Then we seek the best solution.  This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
    Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly.  We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone.  Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us.  Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
    Face and solve today's problems.  Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems,because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
    Facing and solving problems - working through problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
 
Help me face and solve my problems today.  Help me do my part and let the rest go.  I can learn to be a problem-solver.

Counseling Homework

So, because I'm crazy, I've started to go to counseling.  Laugh all you want, this bitch needs it. 
What is stirring up some super uncomfortable emotions right now is the "homework" she gave me that I'm currently working on:

1 - When was the last time I was vulnerable?
2 - Define vulnerability
3 - List all of my negative self-talk
4 - Write out a list of all of my "I Should be...." statements

I was okay all the way up to numbers 3 and 4.  I'm reading back over my negative self-talk and wondering how I haven't killed myself yet when I'm actually talking to myself like this:

"You're gaining weight because you're a lazy fuck who can't commit to something as simple as a workout/diet regimen."
"The fact that you stopped cutting is a joke.  You're already scarred and tore up and deserving of every scar you have.  Start cutting right away because you deserve it."
"You're a fucking coward."
"You're selfish, self-absorbed, and incapable of caring for anyone else because it interferes with your own selfish wants and needs.  No wonder Andrew and you fell apart.  He knew better."

This is proving to be a not fun exercise.

Powerlessness and Personal Responsibility

    When we refuse to take responsibility for our lives, we give away all of our personal power.  We need to remember that we are powerless over our addiction, not our personal behavior.
    Many of us have misused the concept of powerlessness to avoid making decisions or to hold onto things we had outgrown.  We have claimed powerlessness over our own actions.  We have blamed others for our circumstances rather than taking positive action to change those circumstances.  If we continue to avoid responsibility by claiming that we are "powerless," we set ourselves up for the same despair and misery we experienced in our active addiction.  The potential for spending our recovery years feeling like victims is very real.
    Instead of living our lives by default, we can learn to make responsible choices and take risks.  We may make mistakes, but we can learn from these mistakes.  A heightened awareness of ourselves and an increased willingness to accept personal responsibility gives us the freedom to change, to make choices, and to grow.


Just For Today:  My feelings, actions, and choices are mine.  I will accept responsibility for them.