Reminder

I know I'm "writing stories" and letting my own head get in the way of facts.  But still....

Today there was a reminder of one's own mortality.  Mine, more specifically.  I'm not quite sure what I am right now.  ...ok?  not good? good?  I feel like I'm on the fence for some reason.  And I was told that I need to "walk in faith."  Unfortunately, in relation to this specific situation,  I have none. I feel like I don't, even tho I was then told that my actions speak otherwise.  That the actions in and of themselves are the faith.  But I don't feel it.

For some reason, regarding this specific situation, I feel more alone than ever.

Thankfully though, I am aware of how I feel about all this.  And I'm also well aware of certain things that I need to be pushed towards because they need to get done if I am going to take care of myself.   And they are going to be done.  That is a fact.

It's just...right now...where I am today.  is....scared?  and feeling completely alone in facing this.  And it doesn't feel very good. 

Dry

Why am I so anxious?  And then it hits me.  I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs.  And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic -- seeing the car just as it hits you.  But then all of a sudden, that feeling is gone and I'm blank.  So it's like a door quickly opened, just a crack, to show me what a mess I was inside.  But not enough to really stare for long and absorb all the details.  Just enough to know the room needed some major spring cleaning.

************************************************************************


This will be my 2nd read of this book, and for some reason I think I'm going to really really appreciate and let this book sink in a lot more than I did the first time I read it. 

<3 this book

You Ready for a Fight?

some of the hardest and most difficult things to deal with and even think about, are, sometimes, the things that are most worth fighting for.

there are 2 areas in my life right now where this applies.  one of them is in the whole recovery aspect.  and that is something i will not compromise on.  i see it is possible, and i see myself on that path. and i like it.  and i'm willing to fight for that.

the other is somebody specific.  and i am willing to fight for him too. (not like actually physically fighting somebody), but i know this is going to be difficult, and there is the possibility that i may fail, but that's a chance i'm going to take.

and i am going to fight for you.  because i still miss you every day.  and there's a lot of trust to reestablish, and a lot of conversations to have over and a lot of things to re-establish and new memories to make, and bonds between us to mend as well as to others in your life that i've hurt, but i will take it all head on.   it's all worth it.

one can only hope this isn't a futile fight i'm going to be undertaking.  but like i said, i'll be patient.  i have control over me at all times.  and that has to be enough

Candy Everybody Wants (2)

       "Well, Half-pint.  That's quite a potboiler," she said, inadvertently
exhaling a perfect smoke ring.
       "I'd give up anything," Jayson said tearfully, "anything, just to start over."
"No can do, kiddo.  You can't change the script after it's been filmed."

Candy Everybody Wants

      "Don't go," was all Jayson could say as the tears starting backing up in the corners of his eyes.
      "I don't have a choice.  This is probably better for both of us.  You've got a fresh start.  I haven't found mine yet."
      "But I don't have anyone else."
      "You have a lot of people.  The problem is that you don't want them."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



...Wow

did that just happen?

did i just have a good week?  from start to finish?

i think i did :-D 

............... *knocks on wood*

premature

premature? maybe.  i gotta do me, and he's gotta do him. 

but...for the very first time

i have hope.

now:  patience young one.  you have work to do