onward!

while the actual day of halloween has been an ever-growing source of anxiety and sadness for me, the day has arrived. and i think i'm ok.

this holiday last year i was with him.  and as all of you may know, many things have changed.

however, instead of abiding by my original plan of locking myself in my room until today was over and basking in my depression/loss/guilt/shame/self-hatred, a very interesting thing has happened:

i can't put myself in that mindset. 

this week has been a definite eye opener in the sense that, previously, i was somewhat oblivious to the sheer extent and quantity of energy and thought that ended up being focused and directed at basking in those feelings of guilt and shame and self-hatred of what i'd done and my actions.  but after spending the entire week in a state of perpetually shifting anger/resentment/sadness/shame...i realized that i cannot do that to myself.

so, somehow, without even having to make the conscious effort, today is not as emotionally catastrophic as i thought it was going to be:  instead of turning 110% of myself/my energy/my thoughts/my focus onto all the horrible things i've done and keeping myself stuck in the immediate aftermath and emotional blast radius of the bomb that went off that wrecked the sad semblance of a life that i thought i was maintaining, i am and have come to realize that its all effort so much better spent on pulling my feet out of the muck of self-pity/shit and starting to walk forward. 

with the effort and focus towards what i want to do with myself NOW, things seem to go from bad, to bearable, to OK.  and for right now:  i'm ok.  i miss you every day, and i know i messed up, but i am ok...because i'm putting one size 9 1/2 converse in front of the other and i'm slowly walking down that path, which, hopefully has you somewhere on it down the road.

also, on another interesting development:  my father and i spoke for the first time on the phone in over 13 years on friday.  it was awkward at first, to say the least, and we didn't have a lot of time to catch up, but i filled him in on a few details regarding the happenings of the last few months, and he said something to me that has been resonating in my brain for the last 48 hours.  i told him, briefly, about what I had done to myself, my life, my addiction, the eruption that almost killed me and caused unfathomable hurt to everyone around me, and i told him that I had started/am currently involved in the recovery process....and here's what he said:

Dad:  do you remember when you were little one time when you asked 'dad, do you really think i can punch through that piece of wood?
Me:  yeah, it was for tae-kwon-do classes and it was part of the test i had to complete to progress to the next belt color
Dad:  yes.  and you weren't sure you could do it.  and i told you 'son, i KNOW you can do this.'  and you went up, and you did it and put your fist right through that piece of wood and snapped it in half.......the same applies to what you're going through right now.  you may not think you can, but there is a fighter in you, i've known him since he was 1 day old.  and i KNOW you can do this.

i don't know what it was about that statement...maybe because it actually came from him?  whatever it is, but i feel like i just got a 1000% boost to my confidence and belief in myself that this whole impasse i'm at will just be another block of wood that i will snap in half, just like i did back then. 

whether i believe that i can or not, i'm going to.  FOR ME.

...and for you too.  happy halloween, please be safe

-me-

happy halloween

i don't know if you still read this:  but if you do: 

have fun and be safe please.

wishing you only the best things.

-me-

Dad

...yeah.

wow.

can't even put my thoughts together yet to write in full detail.....that'll have to come later.

but what's important was, i'm not angry.  we talked.  just talked.  and it was nice.

and i'm going to call him again tomorrow.

Friday

last day of a relatively "blah" week.  overall, an emotional roller coaster of a week, but it was all self-induced.

it's kinda ridiculous what your brain does to you when you isolate yourself and are left to sit in your own shitty-ness


it's...well...um:  shitty.

also, on a positive note:  remember my rescue story from last weekend?  Moose (as i had been calling him) actually did have a family that WAS looking for him.  through the help of some resources i contacted, i was able to get in contact with his family, and they picked him up earlier this week.

i gotta say, THAT happy ending has been making me smile all week.  :)  i had taken some pictures of him with the intent of making a flyer to hopefully find him a good home, but that was right before i found his family.  but i'll still post the pictures i took of the goofball. 

6am? and Animal Rescue: Me Edition

yeah...that's when i woke up.  and preceding that was one of the most productive saturdays...EVER.

and it's only Noon.  awesome =D

ps,

included in this whirlwind of productivity was my first doggie rescue.  he was lonely, beat up, starving and his hair was so matted together it was rock solid.  the ambulance that had originally saw him running across the street had to leave, and there was no for sure ETA on animal control (which i didnt want my new friend leaving with them anyway), so i got his stinky ass in my truck and shuttled him over to Cheyenne West Animal Hospital.  also, just a side note:  this dog was not a dog.  he was more like a fucking MASTODON.  St. bernard:  EASILY 130 lbs.  refused to be anywhere else but draped across my arms/lap the whole way to the vet.

luckily, they were able to scan his chip and see where  it was registered with, but whatever place that its registered with isn't open until Monday, so my new friend (Moose is what i named him) is staying in the kennels at the vet until then.  i wanted to take him home with me but...let's face it:  i live at a house, not a horse stable, which would've been more fitting for him

no more rain please =(

 he was all i could think about today.  

all rainy days will probably be like that now

one kiss in the rain and i can never just have a rainy day ever again.  i will ALWAYS think of that. 

i'll even settle for snow, but no more rain please. 

S.A.D?

this weather has got me in a funk.  maybe it's just because it's not conducive to being any sort of productive, and i know that's what i need to be right now, especially at work/with my thinking/with myself.

but with the passing clouds, wind, and the reminder of the torrential downpour of this morning, all i want to do is lay in bed and watch The Hours.

gay