Lately, I've started to realize just how deep rooted and chronic some of my character defects really are. Self-centeredness, self-righteousness, jealousy, greed, pride, ego, and rage/anger (just to name a few).
But the one, lately, that really has been catching my attention/concern has been my propensity to do the good ol' fashioned "cut and run." What's the "cut and run you ask?" Instead of seeing something through to conflict resolution or sticking something out until peace or a compromise can be reached, I'm noticing that my deep rooted habit is just to say "Fuck it!" not even try, give up, and run away, crying futility and victimization the whole way home.
Someone in particular has been calling my attention to it lately every time I do it (or start to) as well as the multitude of times I've done it in the past.
One of my favorite things he said was just said recently:
"Everything isn't always going to be perfect. People, friends, couples...they all fight. Some more than others. But they don't give up and just walk away. They eventually work it out, move forward, and get over it, and they're okay."
That was definitely an example of my Higher Power speaking through someone in front of me because the moment I heard those words I knew I was hearing absolute truth.
I need to pay attention to my habit of doing the cut and run whenever a situation gets uncomfortable or actually requires effort. Instead of acting out in FEAR (Fuck Everything And Run) why not actually apply myself and fight for something important to me? Imagine that.
Friday, November 16, 2012
The Victim Trap
The belief that life has to be hard and difficult is the belief that makes a martyr.
We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves.
We aren't helpless. We can solve our problems. We do have power -- not to change or control others, but to solve the problems that are ours to solve.
Using each problem that comes our way to "prove" that life is hard and we are helpless -- this is codependency. It's the victim trap.
Life does not have to be difficult. In fact, it can be smooth. Life is good. We don't have to "awfulize" it, or ourselves. We don't have to live on the underside.
We do have power, more power than we know, even in the difficult times. And the difficult times don't prove lire is bad; they are part of the ups and downs of life; often, they work out for the best.
We can change our attitude; we can change ourselves; sometimes, we can change our circumstances.
Life is challenging. Sometimes, there's more pain than we asked for; sometimes there's more joy than we imagined.
It's all part of the package, and the package is good.
We are not victims of life. We can learn to remove ourselves as victims of life. By letting go of our belief that life has to be hard and difficult, we make our life much easier.
We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves.
We aren't helpless. We can solve our problems. We do have power -- not to change or control others, but to solve the problems that are ours to solve.
Using each problem that comes our way to "prove" that life is hard and we are helpless -- this is codependency. It's the victim trap.
Life does not have to be difficult. In fact, it can be smooth. Life is good. We don't have to "awfulize" it, or ourselves. We don't have to live on the underside.
We do have power, more power than we know, even in the difficult times. And the difficult times don't prove lire is bad; they are part of the ups and downs of life; often, they work out for the best.
We can change our attitude; we can change ourselves; sometimes, we can change our circumstances.
Life is challenging. Sometimes, there's more pain than we asked for; sometimes there's more joy than we imagined.
It's all part of the package, and the package is good.
We are not victims of life. We can learn to remove ourselves as victims of life. By letting go of our belief that life has to be hard and difficult, we make our life much easier.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Taking Care of Ourselves
We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid. We are not victims. We are not helpless.
Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us.
Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing.
We are our own rescuers.
Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us.
Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us.
Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing.
We are our own rescuers.
Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Discipline
Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults.
Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Disciple means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
Discipline means learning to wait for what we want.
Discipline means being will to work for and toward what we want.
Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors.
Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings.
Discipline is the day-to-day performing of tasks, whether these be recovery behaviors or washing the dishes.
Discipline involves trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them.
Discipline can be grueling. We may feel afraid, confused, uncertain. Later, we will see the purpose. But this clarity of sight usually does not come during the time of discipline. We may not even believe we're moving forward.
But we are.
The task at hand during times of discipline is simple: listen, trust, and obey.
Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Disciple means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
Discipline means learning to wait for what we want.
Discipline means being will to work for and toward what we want.
Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors.
Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings.
Discipline is the day-to-day performing of tasks, whether these be recovery behaviors or washing the dishes.
Discipline involves trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them.
Discipline can be grueling. We may feel afraid, confused, uncertain. Later, we will see the purpose. But this clarity of sight usually does not come during the time of discipline. We may not even believe we're moving forward.
But we are.
The task at hand during times of discipline is simple: listen, trust, and obey.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Accepting Love
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we work too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we work too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Relationships
There is a gift for us in each relationship that comes our way.
Sometimes the gift is a behavior we're learning to acquire: detachment, self-esteem, becoming confident enough to set a boundary, or owning our power in another way.
Some relationships trigger healing in us -- healing from issues of the past or an issue we're facing today.
Sometimes we find ourselves learning the most important lessons from the people we least expect to help us. Relationships may teach us about loving ourselves or someone else. Or maybe we'll learn to let others love us.
Sometimes, we aren't certain what lesson we're learning, especially while we're in the midst of the process. But we can trust that the lesson and the gift are there. We don't have to control this process. We'll understand, when it's time. We can also trust that the gift is precisely what we need.
Today, I'll be grateful for all my relationships. I will open myself to the lesson and the gift from each person in my life. I will trust that I, too, am a gift in other people's lives.
Sometimes the gift is a behavior we're learning to acquire: detachment, self-esteem, becoming confident enough to set a boundary, or owning our power in another way.
Some relationships trigger healing in us -- healing from issues of the past or an issue we're facing today.
Sometimes we find ourselves learning the most important lessons from the people we least expect to help us. Relationships may teach us about loving ourselves or someone else. Or maybe we'll learn to let others love us.
Sometimes, we aren't certain what lesson we're learning, especially while we're in the midst of the process. But we can trust that the lesson and the gift are there. We don't have to control this process. We'll understand, when it's time. We can also trust that the gift is precisely what we need.
Today, I'll be grateful for all my relationships. I will open myself to the lesson and the gift from each person in my life. I will trust that I, too, am a gift in other people's lives.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Denial
Denial is a fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can also emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're really not aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves -- or anyone else -- to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guise us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're really not aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves -- or anyone else -- to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guise us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
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