life: neatly packaged with instructions

as of today... my life is in that stupid fucking bag.  and i hate it

and i hate today

and i hate everyone today


but first, foremost, most importantly, most significantly, most passionately, the absolute deepest ...
is that i fucking hate me and my life today. for right now, in this second, i don't want it

and THAT'S where I'm at today.

Forfeit

ok....giving up isn't an option.

none of you fuckers will let me.  otherwise i would.

is there a forfeit option?  like when you know you're gonna lose the game anyway no matter how hard you play....so, can i just forfeit?

please?

Scheduling Conflicts

after yesterday, I've got so much on my plate/in front of me/on my mind that it's seemingly impossible to even start to process in a "one thing at a time" or "one day at a time" frame of mind.  i have no idea how this is going to play out over the next few weeks/months (hopefully years) but....whether I like it or not, I'm being reminded that life doesn't happen on my schedule, it happens on it's own schedule.  And right now, its scheduled itself to be HERE.  NOW. in front of me.  and I have to figure out how I can push through, because I have never been as overwhelmed and terrified and hopeless as I am and have been.

And I know that thoughts of regret get you no where...you should only look forward to the future on how to write a different story from the one you're used to writing, and and to learn from the mistakes you've made.

But as the bad news continues to be handed to me, I am filled with nothing but remorse and regret  as to how I've abused myself over the years through my behavior, and how I have mistreated my friends or taken them for granted, and how I've definitely taken my family for granted when at the end of the day, that crazy bitch is still in my corner....and, how how I was given something absolutely amazing.  and he was mine.  like......i had IT.  and I was his...and I completely took that for granted, squandered it, and trashed a priceless treasure that I had in my possession all along.


And I really hope my friends know how much I love them, and even if they do or don't, there'll be lots more us time, with me making sure you  know how grateful I am for you guys
And I know my family knows I love them....I just need to not lash out at mom so much.

And as for him:  I had him, and I lost him, and I'm so deeply sorry that I pushed you away and that I caused all the harm that I did and how much time was and has been wasted which all would've turned out differently if I had pulled my head out of my ass, seen what was right in front of me all along, and had some real appreciation and gratitude  for the fact that someone gave me their heart, and I was too busy counting down my self-destruct timer that...well....we know what the end result has been.

I haven't posted on here in a long time, so I'm not sure if any one still checks back here,
but if you guys do I want you all to be aware of how grateful I am for each of you and that I could've never made it as far as I have without you guys.

And to you:  I love you, bottom line. always will, and I know I have to forgive myself, but I will never forget what I had and threw away.  Regardless of what I want, having you stick by me ad the fact that you seem to care still as much as I'm gathering means the world to me and I am grateful and appreciative of you every single day. 

...I think that's enough for now. 

Birthday "Review"

so, i will admit, the actual day of my birthday was awful, then the subsequent weekend only continued it.  but now that it's monday and i'm able to switch over to "retrospective" mode  : it was that way because i manifested that myself and that sucks.  i put the role of Victim down, and i actually had a chance to see all the messages i received wishing me a happy birthday.  SOOO...I just wanted to say a tremendous thank you to all of you out there.  my entire post-feed on my profile is all birthday messages and birthday love, and that felt awesome.

so regardless of the horrible things i've done to people in the past, what matters is i'm not doing that today and as a friend of mine told me "but you're writing a different story now.  THAT'S what matters".  so today, just for today, i deserve(d) a good birthday.  so i want my presents now lol

Hope

"Hope?" he says.  "There is always hope.  New developments have yet to present themselves.  Not all the information is in.  No.  Don't give up hope just yet.  It's the last thing to go.  When you have lost hope, you have lost everything.  And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope."

Hello Old Friend

haven't been here in a while.  it's funny how i only seem to yearn for or search for a "remedy" outlet when I'm hurting....as one can easily deduce by going back through previous entries..

today is okay as far as things go.  many things have gotten so much better since I started writing here back in August. 

And some things are about to be changing, and the spot light is really going to be on me this time to see if I've learned anything over the last few months and to see if I can apply what I've learned to start achieving the things I want...and maybe gaining back some things that I've lost....or

if I'm just going to fuck it all up.  But that's not what I want...and I do NOT want to let that happen.

So today, as I said, I'm okay and things are okay.  But today has also been really rough: 

because I fucking miss him so much and I am being patient and working at it, but I feel like I was just reminded that I lost a major body part that it took forever to acclimate to the change.  And now for some reason over the past week it's really increased in intensity...and it hurts.  and I miss you.  :(

Reminder

I know I'm "writing stories" and letting my own head get in the way of facts.  But still....

Today there was a reminder of one's own mortality.  Mine, more specifically.  I'm not quite sure what I am right now.  ...ok?  not good? good?  I feel like I'm on the fence for some reason.  And I was told that I need to "walk in faith."  Unfortunately, in relation to this specific situation,  I have none. I feel like I don't, even tho I was then told that my actions speak otherwise.  That the actions in and of themselves are the faith.  But I don't feel it.

For some reason, regarding this specific situation, I feel more alone than ever.

Thankfully though, I am aware of how I feel about all this.  And I'm also well aware of certain things that I need to be pushed towards because they need to get done if I am going to take care of myself.   And they are going to be done.  That is a fact.

It's just...right now...where I am today.  is....scared?  and feeling completely alone in facing this.  And it doesn't feel very good.