Meditation: ACHIEVED

So after years and years of people suggesting I try meditating or asking if I meditate, and telling me how much it puts you in contact with your Higher Power and how great it is for your soul and spirit and how calming it is and blah blah blah, I'd fucking heard enough.  As a tweaker/ex-tweaker, I couldn't/can't sit still long enough to be "still" enough to calm myself and.or listen for God to speak to me in some miraculous "burning bush" manner.  So I pretty much gave up on it as BS and something from recovery that just wasn't for me; attributing it to the category of "take what you need and leave the rest."
Well, after years of scoffing at it, last night, I think I finally achieved a quiet, peaceful, tranquil enough state that I can't explain the following in any other manner other than just saying that it was like a bolt of lightning out of the blue sky; sending me a message as clear as day that I heard loud and clear and received clearly as if it was from someone shouting in my ear right next to me:  my behavior lately (namely, over the past 2 weeks) has been unacceptable and completely out of line with recovery and any sort of healthy, self-awareness increasing, accountability and responsibility increasing manner of thought.  More specifically, I've stopped creating over the last 2 weeks, and have, instead, become a black hole of soul sucking energy and am only draining the positive, well-meaning, good-intentioned energy of those around me.  I've stopped generating positive vibes and positivity and instead have become a fucking soul sucking succubus, feeding off the life force of others.

I'll expand on this more later and go into further detail of my revelation and what I plan to do on it, but I have an appointment I'm late for.

One that I believe is going to be very fun.

#naughtyfilthywhore

Handling Business

Being me is a full time job I swear.  Since waking up this morning I've been on the phone scheduling or confirming appointments, checking in with my mom, Sponsor, and other friends, and, what I'm most excited about, is scheduling interviews for this week.  Earlier in the week I applied for a data processing entry clerk position on a job ad I had seen on Craigslist.org and yesterday I  received a voicemail from someone in HR for that position.  I called her back this morning and chatted with her on the phone for about a half hour about the position, myself and what I'm looking for, my skill-set, my current climate of what I've got going on in my life right now, and the specifics and details of the position itself, should I be offered the position.  At the end of the discussion, she was very excited and eager to offer an interview slot to schedule me in at which they're also going to do an administrative skill assessment test to see how bomb I am at everything there is to do with a PC and Microsoft Office basically.  I'm excited!!!  As for today, have about another hour and a half to chill before my first meeting of the day, then have another one after that at 5:30.  After only going to 1 meeting last week, I can confidently say my level of crazy and self-centered fear and egotism has reached and all-time high and I need some recovery in me...quickly.


stay tuned...

Hibernation

So, I went to bed last night at around 2 AM.  Late and unnecessary and irresponsible yes I know...but I was up late answering job ads on Craigslist and sending my resume off to just about every ad I came across that remotely matched the description of what I'd like to be doing.  Anyway, as I said:  went to bed at 2ish, woke up at 10ish, took my morning medications then decided I was going to lay back down "just for a little bit."  And holy fucking time warp, I didn't wake up again until 8 pm.  I slept the ENTIRE fucking day.  I needed to go down to the leasing office today regarding some maintenance issues and I also needed to call my psychiatrist's office to find out when my next appointment is today, but I, clearly, missed the opportunity to do all that =\

So since I slept until 8, it looks like I'll be pulling an all nighter and am just going to stay awake up through the night, morning, and plow on through tomorrow until I can crash at a reasonable hour tomorrow night to be ready for volunteer hours on Wednesday at Morgan Specialties.  So if you read this tonight and feel like chatting, message me or text or email me, I'll be up =)

stay tuned....

Targeted: Day 2

Day 2 of having a target zero'd in on me by disgruntled neighbors.  I made progress today though and managed to get out of the apartment for a few hours to run some errands.  I got lucky because when my mom showed up to pick me up to take me shopping and to go to Walmart, the entire alley way between the apartment buildings was deserted and, much to my relief, everyone had retreated back to their lairs for the moment.  So I was able to slip out of the apartment unnoticed and go run my Sunday errands.  I got lucky again when I returned because the alley was empty then too.  So while I'm still staying indoors at all times and not going outside my front door without an escort or making sure the coast is clear, I think my mom and my sponsor may be right in their opinions that this whole thing is just going to subside and, eventually, die and be forgotten and/or the ratchet ass motherfuckers I'm having trouble with end up being evicted or just move.  While it doesn't feel like that right now as I still catch snippets of their conversations sometimes when I'm out on the patio smoking and none of them speak too highly of me, I do think that the original source of all this chaos, the guy who was sort of the leader of the pack and the poor schmuck who was the first one to get evicted in the first place is, currently, in the process of still being their voice of reason and clan-leader and is talking them out of acting out in stupid ways that would only lead to more trouble for them than they already could potentially be in considering some of the things I know that they are up to behind closed doors, as well as just how many people they have living in that apartment, which I promise you, is FAR larger than the unit lease permit allows to reside in one residence.  So I just basically have to wait it out I guess.  Tomorrow I'm gonna some serious bravery though and try leaving by myself and not having any one with me or as my escort/witness because I need to get back into a regular meeting attendance schedule and I can't let some hood rat broke ass trash motherfuckers stop me from going to get my recovery in so I don't wind up crazy like I have been the last couple of days.  In a conversation with my sponsor this afternoon, I admitted to him upon being asked that I hadn't been to a meeting since Tuesday......TUESDAY.  Obviously, he was not happy with me.  So I'm off to bed (at a reasonable hour) to catch my required 8+ hours of sleep so I can wake up on time in the morning and go to a meeting at 10:30, then another one at 2:30.

Stay tuned....

Hostage

The absolutely ratchet, low class, ghetto, thugged out, stereotypical, back-peddling, offensive behavior of certain ethnic groups never ceases to amaze me.  Due to an incident that occurred last night in which someone tried to break into my apartment (through the front fucking door....while I was home)  I, like any rational, responsible, normal member of society would do, called the police for officers to come handle the situation instead of me reverting back to old behaviors and channeling my inner thug and handling the problem with myself, my temper, and my knives I keep on hand just in case of just such an emergency.  The problem in all this is that dispatch then called me back and asked me to step outside to make contact with the police officers.  So I complied, made contact, where I then, like a fucking IDIOT, proceeded to provide all the information to the police officers that they requested as to who I believed was responsible or involved in the attempted break in, which just so happened to be one of my now ex-neighbors who had just been evicted that same day.  This neighbor also, for the record, happens to be hood AF, a drug dealer, and the prominent leader of this particular racial group residing in this apartment complex.  While I had only distinctly heard his voice and was able to confirm that it was him, I didn't, unfortunately, get a clear solid 100% confidence visual of him, which the officers told me that I needed to do in situations like this so they knew (or had an idea) of who they needed to go after and be looking for.
Here's where it get's interesting and the foreshadowing of troubling events takes place:  REGARDLESS of my lack of a positive visual recognition and confirmation of the identity of said hood rat, they still, well Gosh wouldn't you know it, just so happen to find him wandering around the complex a short distance away after a tip off from another neighbor who had seen him up to no good.  So, needless to say, any idiot can connect the dots here.  But it all went downhill from there.  Word apparently spread fast in "their" networks that I was the one that not only called the police, but provided them with all the information needed to identify and detain the person in question, which has now resulted in the situation I'm currently stuck in:  being a fucking prisoner in my own motherfucking apartment.
Another neighbor, who happens to be this person's brother, now has it out for me and is basically camped out in front of his window facing my apartment waiting for site of me, at which at his first opportunity is going to take any chance he can get at fucking me up.  My fear of this was confirmed today when I was walking back inside my apartment with a case of gatorade my mom had brought me and just as I got back into my apartment, he bolted out of his and took off up the stairs towards me to, without a doubt, attack me, but was stopped in his tracks by my guardian angel of a neighbor, S____.  She came right out and intercepted him and they proceeded to get into a shouting match full of expletives and reasons why he was going to "fuck that motherfuckiug faggot [ie.me] up.
THEN, on top of this, S____ and I discovered that the individual from last night that I helped identify as being involved in the attempted break ins, was secretly hiding out at his brother's apartment along with the rest of his hood rat clan and, from what I've gathered, now has a fucking hit out on me or some shit because, basically, if II step outside my front door or leave my apartment in the next few days, I'll probably be attacked and brutally fucked up.
So here I am, stuck in my apartment on a rainy day, hating my neighbors, people who ignorantly and obliviously play into negative stereotypes society already has about them, and also just hating this whole situation all together because I mean c'mon ....REALLY?  I'm fucking a prisoner in my own goddamn apartment?  This is some fucked up shit.

What Happens when somebody else becomes your focus

Okay so what started out as a well-intentioned, selfless, attempt at being of service to a friend who is currently in the midst of all the chaos that comes with a move (especially in his case since he's moving to Texas from Las Vegas) turned out to be a complete, total, disorganized, frustrating, argumentative, cluster fuck, that left me feeling unappreciated, kinda used, and robbed of spending any real good time with my friend before he leaves for Texas, because the only time we spent together over the last 24 hours was him giving me directions on what to throw away, keep, separate to the site for shipping, or what needed to comed with him in his car for the big drive to Texas.
Don't get me wrong I'm happy I was able to help and provide my assistance to a close friend.  Not only my assistance, but the kind of assistance that's my favorite and best quality:  organization and streamlining and categorization out of chaos and disorder.  I LIVE for that shit.  Bringing shape and order and uniformity and consistency and accuracy to what used to be an absolute mess.....It gets me excited just thinking about it.
However, lines of communication must have gotten mixed up somewhere, because after I had finished the job and everything was gathered up and placed where it needed to be (or so I thought), I get a phone call from my friend a short while later saying not only did he leave his keys to get into the house INSIDE the house, but also that he thought I meant I was going to take care of every loose odd and ends of packing up, prepping, and organization his belongings of what's being thrown away, shipped, or driven with him.  I'm not even going to lie:  that infuriated me, because I took pictures on my phone of the finished products and organized areas and also took a shot video tour of the entire house to display on video for the property management company that the house is, essentially, being returned in the same condition that my friend received it in.  Because if they see he kept up on maintenance issues and taking care of the property, he gets like over $1000 of a security deposit back. So I can understand his frustration in wanting to make sure this gets done and done right.  That's a lot of money.

But dude, seriously....it's just time to throw some shit away!!!!

Doctor's Appointment

Yeah, today was one of those days we all hate or dread or fear because of our dislike for doctor's, doctor's offices, or something about the medical profession that just rubbed us the wrong way.  Nothing about the profession rubs me the wrong way at all.  Hell, those people are in the business of saving lives; more power to 'em.  So why do I dread doctor days?  For a very specific reason and diagnosis and for those of you close to me and who know me personally will know exactly what I am talking about because I will not openly disclose it on here, as you never know who might read this and you can't trust anybody these days (no seriously, ANYBODY).
Anyway, back to my doctor's visit.  I'll skip any flourish and pomp:  it went great.  My health in this particular area is fantastic and everything else they ran tests for came back squeaky clean.  So, essentially, today, I got a clean bill of health.  Feels good to know that I may be a fuck up in some areas...but as far as personal health and taking care of myself, I officially got the doctor's approval.

Stay tuned....

Jedi Master

So my new sponsor is nothing short of a Jedi Master.  Although, for those of you that know him, he's probably bearing more of a similar appearance to Darth Vader, being all tall n' black n' shit, but I am going to liken him to Yoda, as the wisdom, experience, strength, and guidance this man is giving to me on a daily basis is nothing short of a true gift from God.  

Two instances in the last 24 hours are standing out for me.  In the first, it's concerning a phone list I received at a meeting recently.  Upon receiving it and after mulling it over for a while at home, I decided that I was going to do something different for a change and actually use the phone list and call some people from it.  Well not exactly call...I decided to text.  I thought I was doing all fine and good with this decision since I would be jumping out of my comfort zone a little bit and reaching out to new people I didn't know.  Upon telling my sponsor, however, I was quickly told "Woah woah woah...back up.  Everything was great until you started being stupid."  In a nutshell, he told me the whole reason of a phone list was for me to CALL the people on it and step out of my comfort zone of isolation and keeping myself separated from other people, and that hiding behind a text message was not going to cut it.  So bam, lesson #1 right there.

Lesson #2 involves the current fight I'm having between myself and, as I've taken to calling her over the past 24 hours, the "Dragon Lady" (aka my mother).  To make a long story short and condense it to the essentials:  she fell short of some responsibilities that she had and fucked up and is refusing to either acknowledge or apologize for any wrong doing and is accusing me of being crazy like I'm making shit up, and to make matters worse is then hiding behind recovery lingo and al-anon slogans to show how "recovered" she is so that she doesn't have to take part in my "insanity."  Bitch, holding you accountable for your actions (or inactions in this case) is not insanity.  How I'm gonna show up at your house and break every fucking window there if you hang up on me one more time....THAT'S insanity.  But after telling my sponsor all of this and venting he got me to cool down, and essentially talked me off the ledge of doing something stupid and got me back into the voice of reason and reminded me that I'm going to need her before she's going to need me, that I should pick my battles, and that, on this one, I need to let her off the hook.  And as much as it kills me, I know he's right, and I'm going to have to.  

Even though I KNOW the bitch fucked up.  

I am not crazy or making this shit up.  

Stay tuned...

Wtf...what time is it?

Did I seriously wake up at 7:20 of my own accord on a Sunday after getting a full night's sleep?  What the hell is going on around here.  You'd think I was acting like a grown up and being responsible or something.  Now I get to go to my home group meeting though, Sunday Morning Meeting, at 9:30!  And of course, the one day that I finally decide to return to that meeting and will be in attendance, I get a text from my sponsor saying he won't be there.  Lame.
Other than that, things have been really quiet over the last week.  I'm under orders/guidance from my sponsor to "be by myself for 90 days."  In other words, no "stray kittens," no random tricks, no random visitors in my apartment, no sketchy company, no drama, no sketchy/questionable friends, none of it.  Just me being by myself, because he said Michael needs to get okay with just being with Michael and not having to rely on having anybody else around to validate my existence.  I know he's right, but it's fucking lonely for a codependent like me who is used to gauging if he's okay based on making sure everybody else is okay.  Now that I don't have anybody else to focus on, all the attention, focus, and spotlights are on me and my feelings and my actions and behaviors and it's uncomfortable because I have to accept full responsibility for whatever happens throughout the course of my days now.  On the plus side, since implementing this "no stray kittens" directive, the past week has been quiet, calm, and peaceful, which is different from what I'm used to which is drama, chaos, or always something going on that I'm in the middle of or inserting myself in the middle of.  So sitting with myself and trying to get comfortable just being by myself is definitely proving to be a challenge, but so far it seems to be worth it because that loneliness I originally felt is subsiding and I'm starting to value my solitude and alone time to be able to do what I want or need to do to take care of myself.

Speaking of taking care of myself, time to get in the shower and head out for the meeting.

Stay tuned faithful followers.....

What the hell time is it?

I actually woke up this morning before 8 o'clock.  And I had slept for almost 12 hours.  I was feeling really anxious yesterday (again for some reason, it's been happening a lot lately) and decided to take one of the new medications my psychiatrist had added to my regimen:  Hydroxyzine.  It came with a warning that it may make me drowsy but I thought "Bitch, I was a meth addict, it takes tranquilizer darts and ambien to take me down" and laughed it off. UMMMM....Hydroxyzine is NO JOKE.  I took one of those things and a clonopin and I was OUT for 5 solid hours, woke up, ate some string cheese, and went right back to bed and slept all the way through until this morning.  So that medication is staying in my arsenal for when I can't sleep...shit ain't a joke.
Being up this early also has another perk:  I didn't sleep in, as usual, through my alarm, which means I'm awake and gonna be able to shower and get dressed here shortly and head to one of my favorite meetings all week:  Man to Man (a men's stag meeting) at the 3M Club.  I also may hit up Saturday Night Surrender later tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital, but we'll see what I get into today and what my day entails as the afternoon unfolds.
Another project that I know I need to get started on is my next journal project.  See, I keep 2 journals.....there's this one, that you're reading now, which, for the most part, covers summaries and re-caps of my days and thoughts, but, I will admit, is edited and watered down in certain areas that are unfit for the public eye.  The REAL journal, where the REAL shit is...the kinda shit that would land me in jail for if I ever ran for public office, the black mail type of shit:  all that shit is in the actual journal:  the composition notebook I keep on my person at all times.  Before cracking a new one open and starting to write in it, I pimp it out with pictures, photos, and images that I find and have saved on my computer and then seal them all over the notebook using packing tape to give it that glossy sheen over the front and back.  So if you're reading this, and you ever see me out and about and happen to get a glance of a notebook matching that description, that's what that is.  And don't even ask to get near it:  I will kill you.  :-)

Anyway, time to get ready for the meeting.  Have a good Saturday faithful followers.

Stay tuned....

Friday!

It's Friday!  Not like that really means much to me as my schedule pretty much consists of me doing whatever the fuck I wanna do whenever the hell I wanna do it or feel like it.  Which is why I think establishing a routine schedule this past week or two has been so difficult.  I identified that meeting attendance, recovery, and surrounding myself with positive, other recovering people needed to be a priority.  But my meeting attendance has still been slacking because I, being the perfect example of what it says in the Basic Text "something in our self-destructive personalities cries for failure") always manage to find something else to do, some excuse not to go, or am just lazy and end up taking a nap instead and sleeping through meetings, waking up on time, or staying up way too late at night at which I have no business being up at 2 AM glued to my computer monitor working on shit for the business that, I will freely admit, I've become completely obsessed with.  I want to absorb as much knowledge as I can about getting it off the ground and what successful steps and methods to implement like...RIGHT AWAY.  I want all of it now and it leaves me up till 2 or 3 in the morning networking on LinkedIn, building and expanding my social circles on Google +, , updating profiles on different Social Media platforms, or making more To Do lists of shit I need/should do to continue to market myself and get the word out that Elite Assistant Services by Michael is open for business.
Wow....after just typing all that out and reading back where my priorities are....I will freely admit that I've got shit twisted and fucked up.  My recovery is not in the number one spot and I've become obsessed with building this business and am putting other things first ahead of me building and maintaining a stable life.  Time to reassess some things.

Stay tuned.....

TRIVINO, MICHAEL. Case # 105371760A,

So about a month ago, while I was dating this guy for like 3 weeks (just long enough for me to figure out he was a manipulative asshole), we went out one night to Walmart and I asked if I could drive just for kicks since I hadn't driven in forever (due to my license being revoked).  He said sure, we pull out, leave, and are literally driving down Lake Mead for the 45 seconds it takes to get from my place to the grocery store when BAM....flashing lights behind us.
Long story short, I got fucking lucky that night because they didn't arrest me, but I did get a traffic citation.  The original court date for this to be handled was on Monday.  However, I went down to the Regional Justice Center on Monday and at the traffic citation help window the teller looked up my case and informed me that due to the nature of the offense (driving on a revoked license), it requires a mandatory hearing before a judge.  So I'm kind of freaking out right now and getting more nervous by the second because I just have this image in my head that they're gonna arrest me on the spot for something or if I'm not able to pay the full fine fee right on the spot.  The last 2 times I went to jail I was on G or high and just wanted to lay down so I didn't really give a shit where I was.  If I go to jail while in recovery....something is VERY wrong with this whole picture.
Other than that, stuff has continued to be quiet in all other areas, social life included.  Now that I've figured out that I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by or associating with people I can't trust, it's been very quiet around here.  Calm, peaceful....but at the same time boring.  On the plus side, it's giving me ample time to spend hour after hour in front of my computer screens piecing together this new business and what I'm trying to build.  I still have no fucking clue what the "right" way to do this is, so I'm just learning as I go.  That's how I learn best anyways....hands on kinda thing.

Anyway, got a bunch of shit to do before it's time to leave for court.

Stay tuned.....

The Beginning of my "Work Week"

So today is Wednesday, which means it's the beginning of my work week.  M______ (the owner of Morgan Specialties) and I agreed that my days to come in and volunteer would be Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.  So I just wanted to check in here real quick before I eat a quick breakfast, down another cup of coffee, get in the shower, get dressed, and jet.
I'm slowly but surely being consumed by everything pertaining to the business getting off the ground.  I find myself constantly looking for ways to either A-enhance the size of the population who will see advertising for it thereby bringing me clients or B- anything that has to do with what appears to be result producing, cost-effective, lucrative methods of marketing and advertising.  Just now I signed up on YP.com so hopefully that'll gain some attention.  And of course I'm going to spend some time later tonight going down the check list of things I already know I need to do that'll increase my target audience and also increase the likelihood that they'll be reached and results will come about.  I'm slowly becoming completely obsessed with it and helping it grow.  Maybe that's a sign I'm going to make a great business owner?  Or maybe that's just reaffirmation that I'm an addict and I'm obsessed with yet some new fad lol.

Stay tuned.

Smooth Sailing

Day 2 of smooth sailing so far.  Granted I just woke up about an hour ago so nothing momentous has had the opportunity to rock my day yet,but I'm anticipated another good day of attending meetings, talking to my friends,and quiet time at home, and not having to participate in any bull shit drama.  It feels like I've finally, successfully, cracked the formula to having peace, calm, and serenity in my life, and that is to completely remove the elements that oppose that from my life.  Even if that means I'm alone 98% of the time, I'll take that over getting stabbed in the back, manipulated, lied to, stolen from, used, or otherwise abused in some fashion by somebody that I thought I could trust, then having them turn out to be another trash box generated by this dumpster of a city.

In other news, now that things have quieted down in my life, I am able to focus and turn my attention toward things that I was, previously, ignoring or just didn't have time to get to because of the distraction other crises were creating.  For instance:  my meeting attendance has gone back up, and I am back to making at least one a day, usually 2.  Which, I've discovered, is paramount to my sanity because it keeps me connected to people, gives me a chance to be social and talk to others in recovery, and forces me to have interactions with voices and people outside the multiple evil ones in my head that are constantly telling me I'm worthless and not good enough for anything or anybody and that I should kill myself (yes, my negative self-talk really is that bad).  Another example is my business project.  Since removing negative distractions and ill-meaning people, my attention and time has been freed up and I've been able to clock more time into getting my baby off the ground and working slowly more and more towards what it'll take to get this thing off the ground and in the air and generating a profit.  I still have a long way to go, but the ball is rolling and the gears in my head are turning and I know what steps I have to take, one foot in front of the other, to get to where I wanna be next in order to make this successful.

Speaking of the business, it's time I worked on that for a little while.  Until next time faithful followers.

Stay tuned.

Shhhhh.....do you hear that?

Oh my gosh....do you hear that?  Is that.....quiet?  Calm?  Peace?  Lack of chaos?  Order?  No drama?  I don't want to jinx it, but I think it just might be.  God, again, did for my what I couldn't do myself over the past couple of days and removed a few more people out of my life and me out of their social circle, which only serves as a benefit to me because these people were trouble or trouble waiting to happen and the kind that would drag you down with them when they flushed down the toilet.  So that's 3 down and removed total.  I wonder who's next?  All I know is the one's that are left standing after others being picked off are the ones that I need to direct my attention to and that are my real friends and they are the ones I need to be investing in.  Not those other losers.
Meanwhile, I got a job!  Sort of.  For the last several months I've had many different people from many different places all tell me the exact same thing "get involved in volunteer work.  You'd love it.  It'll give you something to do.  You'll feel better about yourself.  Blah blah blah."  And then there's me with my huge ego replying with "oh no if I'm investing my time and my energy and my work skills into some place I feel I need to be compensated for it."  #bitch
So, I've been emailing back and forth with a friend that my mom and I know who happens to own two very successful businesses,  We got on the topic of me volunteering and she said she'd love to have me.  So I started last week.  It's only 3 days a week, Wed, Thurs. and Friday from 10am to 4pm (or whenever I feel like leaving).  And she also said after a while of this and seeing what kind of contribution I'm giving to the operations of her business, if she realizes that I'm a direct asset, she'll just hire me outright and start paying me.  So that's cool.
Finally, I had court today down at the Regional Justice Center for a traffic citation I received when getting pulled over while driving this asshole's car (that I only ended up dating for like
 or 4 weeks, thank God).  The official charge was "driving on a revoked license."  I show up to the Justice Center expecting a long wait until my name comes up on the docket, but instead am directed to a huge lobby that was very DMV-esque with the numbered booths and the "take a number" system.  My number gets called, and then the oh-so-NOT pleasant employee behind the desk informs me that due to the nature of the charge, driving on a revoked license, it requires a mandatory court hearing.  So I now have an official court date to appear before a judge this Thursday at 2pm and I'm nervous AF.  Like I have this image in my head of them taking me into custody right there on the spot and me going to jail NOT HIGH.  The last 2 times I went to jail I was high, so I didn't really care where I was I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep even if it was on the dirty floor of the holding/processing tank at City Jail.  If I go to jail Thursday in recovery and in a nice ouitfit and tie....this bitch will not be happy.

My Bed

So we've reached a milestone....I slept in my bed for the first time last night in almost 3 weeks.  That may not sound like a big deal, but for those of you who know about my neurosis and anxiety issues, we've discussed why I've been choosing to sleep on the couch ever since K_____ took her not so graceful exit from being my roommate.  Last night however, I grabbed my favorite blanket, turned the lights off, and laid down in bed thinking "lemme just try it."  And I guess my body was ready for a regular bed again because I was out within seconds and slept almost 12 hours.  So no more sleeping on the couch for me.
Other than that, the last 2 days were a total roller coaster thanks to an unexpected introduction to a new person I didn't plan on meeting.  This person is pretty much amazing and, of course, they don't live in Las Vegas (because let's be honest, the cool ones never do.  This city breeds nothing but shade and trash).  I had the best time in this person's company, and when we parted I was kind of caught off guard with how difficult it was to say good bye, but thanks to the training this city has given me, I was able to switch off any and all emotions I was having, dust myself off, get up, and walk away and start pushing through the crowd as I made my way out and off the Strip and back toward home.  I doubt I'll ever see or hear from this person again, but I thank God and the Universe for showing me there are still awesome people out there somewhere that show up every once in a while.....

They just don't live in Las Vegas.

Anyway, today is back to business as usual.  About to get dressed and meet up with the parental unit, go to Best Buy to buy some replacement iPhone earbuds (because somebody stole mine over the weekend) and possibly a new lightning cable because mine is iffy on when it decides it wants to work.  Then possibly Urgent Care (because I think my Cellulitis is back in my arm), then a meeting later tonight at 6.  Happy Saturday *eye roll*

Without fail...even if it kills me

So Sunday night, right before I went to bed, I took a quick glance at my calendar/planner that I had mapped out the week in and reviewed what I had committed to for the week.  And the theme that stuck out became immediately apparent:  meetings every single day of the week, multiple meetings on most days.  Because last week there was a severe, critical shortage of meetings, so much so that I was absolutely crazy for the majority of the week; stuck in my own head, acting out in all sorts of different, sick ways, and not handling situations with as much grace and dignity that I know I'm capable of, but, instead, losing my shit and causing yet more wreckage around me.  So getting to the point, today, Tuesday, I had mapped and planned out as to having it go a certain why at certain times and for me to be at certain places at such and such time for this duration etc etc.  Okay well we've all heard the expression "when we make plans, God laughs."  Today was nothing but a testament to that statement.
The doctor's appointment that I thought I would be in too long for me to make a meeting at 10:30 ended up ending with enough time for me to have made the meeting.
Then, if I wanted to go to the noon meeting, there wouldn't have been enough time between that meeting and the 2:30pm meeting for me to get from one spot to another since I take the bus, then would have to leave that meeting early to get to my dentist appointment I have scheduled at 4pm, which I was going to go to the 2:30 meeting and just leave a little early so I could get to the dentist on time, but I had leaving meetings early so since I'm an addict and it's "all or nothing" I decided to skip the 2:30 and am now just going to go straight to my dentist appointment and leave my place around 3:15, then when my dentist appointment is overt I'm going to my old Home Group meeting, "Blind Faith," which, I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about going to considering particular members that will be in attendance and that the last time I was there it was very evident that personalities had been placed higher up on the list of priorities above principles and that the meeting had turned into a fucking popularity contest like some high school bullshit.

But a meeting is a meeting, even if it's a shitty, catty, judgmental one, and I refuse to waiver from my commitment to myself to make at least one meeting a day every day this week.  My sanity depends on it.  Time to hop in the shower and get ready so I'm on time for the dentist.

Perfect Timing -- Evidence of my HP at work

So, for those of you that have been following my recent events or that know me better than just blog or Facebook posts, you know I experienced a sort of upheaval in my home life/living situation last week as the person who had committed to being my roommate decided to bail on me and promptly moved all of her shit out of the apartment that same day, paid what money she owed me, and peaced out.
In retrospect, my sponsor was absolutely right when he, in response to this development, said that this was actually a blessing and that it was an example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself; that she saw that I was all about recovery right now; about stability, responsibility, accountability, all those other spiritual principles that the program teaches us....she saw that and decided to high-tail it outa here because that didn't vibe with what she wanted to happen.  So while on the one hand my sponsor may be right about her taking her leave being a good thing, I didn't and don't feel like it was, because there was this moment, just after she left, when the apartment was quiet again....

all the movers had left.....her and her psycho brother were gone....whatever thugs she had rounded up to help motive shit were gone...and it was just me alone in the apartment, standing in the middle of the empty second bedroom and there I was listening to the silence.  And it was deafening.  And I thought "great....yet again, another person that couldn't stand or didn't want to be around you.  you don't get to have friends.  you don't deserve to have friends.  of course she left, why would she want to even live with you?  you're a worthless piece of shit.  you're destiny is to always be alone so get used to flying solo loser."
And that's where my mind has been stuck at since last Thursday.
Until tonight.

Recently, I had been emailing back and forth with a friend of mine who happens to own a pretty successful business out here in Las Vegas and we were tossing around the idea of me maybe showing up at one of her job sites and putting in some volunteer hours.  We fin ally scheduled and finalized a phone conference call for this evening and I gotta say, I'm pretty blown away by the power of one simple step in the right direction, for the sake of personal and spiritual growth, and in the spirit of open-mindedness.....what all of that can produce.  Not only did I sign up for and am now committed to volunteer work 3 days a week at her corporate office (which is a 5 minute bus ride from my apartment btw), but she said knowing my talent and level of skill that when it gets to the point where she sees that she and her business can't live without me she'll just hire me outright and start paying me as a full time employee.

God saw that I was dying inside from loneliness and isolation and depression....and sent this little package of goodness right down in front of me.  So grateful and excited to see where this goes.  My first day is this Thursday.

Stay tuned....

Forcing Myself

So after getting my ass chewed out by two of my closest friends in recovery that I respect very much and value their opinion more so than many other people, I made a decision today to follow their guidance and direction and feedback they gave me last night in regards to some unsavory behavior I've been taking part in over the past couple of weeks:  shoplifting and being incredibly promiscuous.  And my justification/rationalization/excuse for why it was all okay was "so what if I'm acting out in other areas of my disease; at least I didn't pick up."  Well my one friend, A_____ wasn't having any of that bullshit and quickly replied "that is no excuse.  You're getting high just off of your defects and acting out in them."  She continued on to chew me out (out of love of course) but it was still really uncomfortable because she pulled a lot of my covers that I've been hiding under to make my recent behavior acceptable in my mind.  But bottom line is:  it isn't acceptable and it's on through luck and the grace of my Higher Power that I haven't suffered any consequences (yet) as a result of my stupid actions and retarded behaviors).  Cuz really, let's be honest:  if I land up in jail again CLEAN, I would die and be mortified and ashamed beyond repair.  So the solution they said was to tell my sponsor about everything I had just told them about, which I haven't been telling him because I was afraid that he would "fire" me at the first sign of unsatisfactory behavior and that he was expecting perfection, not progress which resulted in me being kind of scared to be totally honest with him for weeks now.
But today, after processing what they said last night, especially what they said that if I'm not getting honest with my sponsor and opening myself up to be vulnerable to this one person who is signed up to help me fix, my thinking, and show me a new way to live, then I'm fucking wasting his time, I decided to come clean to T___ and called him and laid it all out for him.  And to  my surprise, I wasn't rejected like I was expecting to be.  In fact he said that that level of honesty was what I should be doing because I need to be telling him this stuff so he can learn to get to know me and how my disease works on me so he can help me.  If I'm not completely forthcoming from him; if I'm keeping secrets from him; if I'm sponsoring myself, then nothing will change and I'll be stuck in this same rut that I feel like I'm in right now indefinitely .  And I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Riding Solo

So, I can't go into all the details of the events that took place and the conversations / verbal scuffle that took place leading up to this, so I'll just fast forward to the main point:  K_____ packed up her shit and moved out on Thursday.  I'm alone in this apartment, again.  Don't get me wrong, I like having my alone time and having solitude and quiet and just me doin' mah thang.  But sometimes, especially being by myself in 2 bedroom apartment, I get really lonely and get a yearning for contact or interpersonal communication of any kind, and that's typically what results in me online in front of A4A or BBRT for hours, not so much looking for sex, but just some kind of company I guess.
T___, my sponsor, said this was a clear example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and that through His power, he removed her from my life and current living situation because she wasn't meant to be there and she had bad news written all over her.  And honestly, in retrospect, considering all the issues she had, where she was at mentally/psychologically, her lack of adherence to basic courtesies such as accountability or gratitude or respect, and her ties to her FUCKED up dysfunctional family which she showed no signs of wanting to break free from and build her own life, I can honestly say that her leaving was probably the best outcome of that whole situation that I could've hoped for.  T___ also said that, for now, I need to learn how to  be okay with just Michael, with being alone and having my alone time and being comfortable enough with myself and knowing  I also have my Higher Power at any moment's notice, that I don't need a roommate to validate my yearning for company or need to have someone to talk to.
The roughest part is just that her leaving triggered all my rejection and abandonment issues all over again, so that's what I'm struggling with the most now.  Like "yet another person rejected you AGAIN."  And then that ties into my "not good enough" thoughts and that brings us to where I am today:  restless, apathetic, obsessive, and depressed.  I'm going to a meeting tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital  6 o clock CANNOT come fast enough.