So after getting my ass chewed out by two of my closest friends in recovery that I respect very much and value their opinion more so than many other people, I made a decision today to follow their guidance and direction and feedback they gave me last night in regards to some unsavory behavior I've been taking part in over the past couple of weeks: shoplifting and being incredibly promiscuous. And my justification/rationalization/excuse for why it was all okay was "so what if I'm acting out in other areas of my disease; at least I didn't pick up." Well my one friend, A_____ wasn't having any of that bullshit and quickly replied "that is no excuse. You're getting high just off of your defects and acting out in them." She continued on to chew me out (out of love of course) but it was still really uncomfortable because she pulled a lot of my covers that I've been hiding under to make my recent behavior acceptable in my mind. But bottom line is: it isn't acceptable and it's on through luck and the grace of my Higher Power that I haven't suffered any consequences (yet) as a result of my stupid actions and retarded behaviors). Cuz really, let's be honest: if I land up in jail again CLEAN, I would die and be mortified and ashamed beyond repair. So the solution they said was to tell my sponsor about everything I had just told them about, which I haven't been telling him because I was afraid that he would "fire" me at the first sign of unsatisfactory behavior and that he was expecting perfection, not progress which resulted in me being kind of scared to be totally honest with him for weeks now.
But today, after processing what they said last night, especially what they said that if I'm not getting honest with my sponsor and opening myself up to be vulnerable to this one person who is signed up to help me fix, my thinking, and show me a new way to live, then I'm fucking wasting his time, I decided to come clean to T___ and called him and laid it all out for him. And to my surprise, I wasn't rejected like I was expecting to be. In fact he said that that level of honesty was what I should be doing because I need to be telling him this stuff so he can learn to get to know me and how my disease works on me so he can help me. If I'm not completely forthcoming from him; if I'm keeping secrets from him; if I'm sponsoring myself, then nothing will change and I'll be stuck in this same rut that I feel like I'm in right now indefinitely . And I don't want to feel this way anymore.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Riding Solo
So, I can't go into all the details of the events that took place and the conversations / verbal scuffle that took place leading up to this, so I'll just fast forward to the main point: K_____ packed up her shit and moved out on Thursday. I'm alone in this apartment, again. Don't get me wrong, I like having my alone time and having solitude and quiet and just me doin' mah thang. But sometimes, especially being by myself in 2 bedroom apartment, I get really lonely and get a yearning for contact or interpersonal communication of any kind, and that's typically what results in me online in front of A4A or BBRT for hours, not so much looking for sex, but just some kind of company I guess.
T___, my sponsor, said this was a clear example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and that through His power, he removed her from my life and current living situation because she wasn't meant to be there and she had bad news written all over her. And honestly, in retrospect, considering all the issues she had, where she was at mentally/psychologically, her lack of adherence to basic courtesies such as accountability or gratitude or respect, and her ties to her FUCKED up dysfunctional family which she showed no signs of wanting to break free from and build her own life, I can honestly say that her leaving was probably the best outcome of that whole situation that I could've hoped for. T___ also said that, for now, I need to learn how to be okay with just Michael, with being alone and having my alone time and being comfortable enough with myself and knowing I also have my Higher Power at any moment's notice, that I don't need a roommate to validate my yearning for company or need to have someone to talk to.
The roughest part is just that her leaving triggered all my rejection and abandonment issues all over again, so that's what I'm struggling with the most now. Like "yet another person rejected you AGAIN." And then that ties into my "not good enough" thoughts and that brings us to where I am today: restless, apathetic, obsessive, and depressed. I'm going to a meeting tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital 6 o clock CANNOT come fast enough.
T___, my sponsor, said this was a clear example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and that through His power, he removed her from my life and current living situation because she wasn't meant to be there and she had bad news written all over her. And honestly, in retrospect, considering all the issues she had, where she was at mentally/psychologically, her lack of adherence to basic courtesies such as accountability or gratitude or respect, and her ties to her FUCKED up dysfunctional family which she showed no signs of wanting to break free from and build her own life, I can honestly say that her leaving was probably the best outcome of that whole situation that I could've hoped for. T___ also said that, for now, I need to learn how to be okay with just Michael, with being alone and having my alone time and being comfortable enough with myself and knowing I also have my Higher Power at any moment's notice, that I don't need a roommate to validate my yearning for company or need to have someone to talk to.
The roughest part is just that her leaving triggered all my rejection and abandonment issues all over again, so that's what I'm struggling with the most now. Like "yet another person rejected you AGAIN." And then that ties into my "not good enough" thoughts and that brings us to where I am today: restless, apathetic, obsessive, and depressed. I'm going to a meeting tonight at 6 at Mountain View Hospital 6 o clock CANNOT come fast enough.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Fuckery
That word is how I can best describe what today was filed with: absolute and total fuckery. While I was lucky enough to have slipped into an opening spot in my doctor's schedule for my hospital stay follow up, the visit did not go as planned and all of my goals for what I wanted to walk out of there with were totally shot down topped off with an explanation of "go get a PCP (primary care physician) " which royally pissed me off.
The rest of the afternoon was uneventful...until the 2:30 meeting I went to. All was going well (it turned out to be a birthday meeting so there were more people in attendance than usual for a Wednesday afternoon). But, us being addicts and sometimes fucking up, personalities came before principles and shit got loud and tense for a second. But I let it go, shrugged it off instead of destroying the old piece of shit like I wanted to, and let the moment go.
Fast forward a couple hours and here's the thing that really got my blood boiling and has had me pissed off all night: I got into a little verbal scuffle with my new roommate. I've been re-reading back through the conversation; reading what she said/how she worded her responses, reading what I said it and how I was wording stuff, and I realized a couple things. One: we were both holding back what we REALLY wanted to say and were acting extremely diplomatic out of respect and regard for one another, because underneath the nicities and politeness, I could tell each of us wanted to reach through the phone and bitch slap the other and call the other a cunt and tell the other to STFU. Two: we both have the same "fighting styles." As I read through the conversation and saw the hostility, volatility, and intensity of our responses escalating, I could sense that each of us was starting to reach that point where we go into "destroy mode" and we demolish our target. That being the case, I need to always from this point on keep this in mind because if left unheeded and unregarded, another verbal altercation in the future, if left completely unchecked and un-monitored, could blow up into World War 3 with a huge fall out and epic damage dealt to both sides. Because K_____ is just like me: in it to win it.
This whole thing has just been me bitching ab.ck. I'll be fine, but definitely learned some things today. At the end of it all, I'm grateful I get to go to sleep soon and have it be over and hit the "reset" button and start all over again tomrrow.
The rest of the afternoon was uneventful...until the 2:30 meeting I went to. All was going well (it turned out to be a birthday meeting so there were more people in attendance than usual for a Wednesday afternoon). But, us being addicts and sometimes fucking up, personalities came before principles and shit got loud and tense for a second. But I let it go, shrugged it off instead of destroying the old piece of shit like I wanted to, and let the moment go.
Fast forward a couple hours and here's the thing that really got my blood boiling and has had me pissed off all night: I got into a little verbal scuffle with my new roommate. I've been re-reading back through the conversation; reading what she said/how she worded her responses, reading what I said it and how I was wording stuff, and I realized a couple things. One: we were both holding back what we REALLY wanted to say and were acting extremely diplomatic out of respect and regard for one another, because underneath the nicities and politeness, I could tell each of us wanted to reach through the phone and bitch slap the other and call the other a cunt and tell the other to STFU. Two: we both have the same "fighting styles." As I read through the conversation and saw the hostility, volatility, and intensity of our responses escalating, I could sense that each of us was starting to reach that point where we go into "destroy mode" and we demolish our target. That being the case, I need to always from this point on keep this in mind because if left unheeded and unregarded, another verbal altercation in the future, if left completely unchecked and un-monitored, could blow up into World War 3 with a huge fall out and epic damage dealt to both sides. Because K_____ is just like me: in it to win it.
This whole thing has just been me bitching ab.ck. I'll be fine, but definitely learned some things today. At the end of it all, I'm grateful I get to go to sleep soon and have it be over and hit the "reset" button and start all over again tomrrow.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Overload
The title I gave to this entry made me chuckle because NO it is not in any way related to the movie from Treasure Island Media (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, Google it and thank me later).
So quick update since my last post. Even though it's only been a few days, I've kept constantly busy with setting things in motion and finding out more and more knowledge of what getting a legitimate small business off the ground takes and how I'm going to successfully market myself and generate clients and revenue. Plus, there's all the behind the scenes stuff I didn't know about, such as company name licensing, whether or not to choose an LLC or DBA, etc. Another question to tackle is who my target audience is going to be of who I want to advertise to. and I'm thinking that the answer to that is going to be mainly those who will have administrative or executive level assignments to offer me as that is what I'm most skilled at and can really display my full potential at and have them think of me in the future when they need assistance again on the job.
Another question to consider is method of marketing: do I want to send out a bunch of brochures or flyers via regular mail to a target audience of people whose addresses I've acquired? Or do I want to, potentially, reach an even larger scale of recipients and send out an email blast to just about everyone I have an email listed in my contacts to. In a nutshell, there's tons of decisions to make and things to decide on to keep moving forward in laying the foundation to building this structure up to the point where money starts coming in. But, I am the one, lone, solo employee so everything falls back on me to make the judgment calls. And one thing I've also learned so far with some of the tools at my disposal that K_____ shared with me when we were talking about starting that social media marketing company, is this: make decisions swiftly, with confidence,m and quickly. When faced with a decision making time scenario, make your decision and stick with it and move forward. So that's what I've been trying to do. So keep your fingers crossed guys, the success (or failure) of this venture literally rests entirely on my shoulders.
In other news, I'm not sure if I commented on this in any previous entries, but I recently switched sponsors and got a new one. After having stuck with C___ for a long time, I realized that he just didn't have what I needed in a sponsor any more and that the opportunity was present (and being utilized for me to lie, manipulate, scheme, and steam roll right over him and tell him and have him believe exactly what I thought he wanted to hear. And that is a dangerous place for me to be, because if I sense that in a person, there is NO question: I can and will exploit that and end up lying, manipulating, or taking advantage of you in some form or fashion (yes, deep down I am that much of a self-centered scum bag). So after a month of trying to rationalize why I should stick with him, then another month of just procrastinating because I didn't know who else to ask to replace him, I finally had the "break up" talk with him and, despite being super nervous, it went really good and we parted with love and amicably.
Now the NEW sponsor...Mr. T___ C. This mother fucker don't play. I knew him from when I lived at the LVRC recovery house when he was just the house manager, and I remembered that he was the one that was always pushing me to do better, accomplish or achieve more, to push myself outside of comfort zone and reach for that goal that we all in program are constantly trying to attain: CHANGE AND GROWTH. T___ was always that guy pushing me and, most importantly, always the one that said that one thing it took to piss me the fuck off. Not because he was a dick, but because whatever he had just commented on or said to me....he was right about, and he wasn't afraid to pull my covers and tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. So at that point, my desired new sponsor choice was pretty clear and I was lucky enough to have him accept the challenge of tackling my brand of crazy.
Anyway, that's about it regarding significant happenings in my life. Gonna have to start remembering to update 2 blogs instead of just this one soon since my company is going to be set up on Blogger.com as well.
Stay tuned bitches.
So quick update since my last post. Even though it's only been a few days, I've kept constantly busy with setting things in motion and finding out more and more knowledge of what getting a legitimate small business off the ground takes and how I'm going to successfully market myself and generate clients and revenue. Plus, there's all the behind the scenes stuff I didn't know about, such as company name licensing, whether or not to choose an LLC or DBA, etc. Another question to tackle is who my target audience is going to be of who I want to advertise to. and I'm thinking that the answer to that is going to be mainly those who will have administrative or executive level assignments to offer me as that is what I'm most skilled at and can really display my full potential at and have them think of me in the future when they need assistance again on the job.
Another question to consider is method of marketing: do I want to send out a bunch of brochures or flyers via regular mail to a target audience of people whose addresses I've acquired? Or do I want to, potentially, reach an even larger scale of recipients and send out an email blast to just about everyone I have an email listed in my contacts to. In a nutshell, there's tons of decisions to make and things to decide on to keep moving forward in laying the foundation to building this structure up to the point where money starts coming in. But, I am the one, lone, solo employee so everything falls back on me to make the judgment calls. And one thing I've also learned so far with some of the tools at my disposal that K_____ shared with me when we were talking about starting that social media marketing company, is this: make decisions swiftly, with confidence,m and quickly. When faced with a decision making time scenario, make your decision and stick with it and move forward. So that's what I've been trying to do. So keep your fingers crossed guys, the success (or failure) of this venture literally rests entirely on my shoulders.
In other news, I'm not sure if I commented on this in any previous entries, but I recently switched sponsors and got a new one. After having stuck with C___ for a long time, I realized that he just didn't have what I needed in a sponsor any more and that the opportunity was present (and being utilized for me to lie, manipulate, scheme, and steam roll right over him and tell him and have him believe exactly what I thought he wanted to hear. And that is a dangerous place for me to be, because if I sense that in a person, there is NO question: I can and will exploit that and end up lying, manipulating, or taking advantage of you in some form or fashion (yes, deep down I am that much of a self-centered scum bag). So after a month of trying to rationalize why I should stick with him, then another month of just procrastinating because I didn't know who else to ask to replace him, I finally had the "break up" talk with him and, despite being super nervous, it went really good and we parted with love and amicably.
Now the NEW sponsor...Mr. T___ C. This mother fucker don't play. I knew him from when I lived at the LVRC recovery house when he was just the house manager, and I remembered that he was the one that was always pushing me to do better, accomplish or achieve more, to push myself outside of comfort zone and reach for that goal that we all in program are constantly trying to attain: CHANGE AND GROWTH. T___ was always that guy pushing me and, most importantly, always the one that said that one thing it took to piss me the fuck off. Not because he was a dick, but because whatever he had just commented on or said to me....he was right about, and he wasn't afraid to pull my covers and tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. So at that point, my desired new sponsor choice was pretty clear and I was lucky enough to have him accept the challenge of tackling my brand of crazy.
Anyway, that's about it regarding significant happenings in my life. Gonna have to start remembering to update 2 blogs instead of just this one soon since my company is going to be set up on Blogger.com as well.
Stay tuned bitches.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Birth
Okay....yes. I'm doing it. I've set things in motion and am getting the ball rolling. I can't believe I'd ever be saying this but....I'm starting my own business. There's tons of stuff and ground to cover just to lay the foundation of getting your own small business up and running; tons of stuff I didn't even know about regarding legalities and legal issues and paperwork that needs to be signed off on and what not to make you official, but honestly, it's working out just as the Universe knows best because I am a very hands on person and I learn as I go and learn as I do things. So each step that's uncovered (and consequently the step that I need to take after that) reveals new things to me about this whole process and I'm getting educated as I go through the experience.
I really hope this takes off. The more work I put into this the more passionate about this being successful I'm becoming.
Stay tuned everyone.
I really hope this takes off. The more work I put into this the more passionate about this being successful I'm becoming.
Stay tuned everyone.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Overflow
So in my attempt to come up with solutions to keep myself busy, I've slowly but surely become more and more open-minded toward any potential panacea for that listless feeling I was used to having all the time when I was just sitting around my apartment with nothing to do, no where I needed to be, nobody to talk to, and nothing to focus on. Now, through the principles I've done my best to practice daily from the Program, as well as trying to remain as open-minded as possible to any and all solutions that may present themselves instead of shooting something down before I even give it a try, I've come up with so many damn things to do that I've, inadvertently...well...given myself too much homework.
Between my daily routine maintenance stuff (like self-care actions and behaviors, daily meeting attendance, staying closely connected with my new sponsor T___ , I've typically got full days as it is with stuff to keep be occupied (especially when you factor in the god forsaken travel times it takes when you're taking the bus. Goddamn that stupid thing and it always being late)
But within the last couple of weeks, mainly this past week, I've gotten really motivated and developed more initiative to find and start more projects and more things for me to be working on that not only are serving the function of A - keeping me busy, but everything that I've started within the last couple of weeks are all concerning areas of my life that have to do with self-improvement, making amends for damage I've done in the past (both to myself and others), taking responsibility for unacceptable behavior I used to participate in the past, and, over all, just me becoming a better version of myself and tending to all areas of my life so that I can be the best me I can be.
All that is fine and good and all.
But I think I got a little over-zealous because I have so much shit to do now that I've started that I feel like I'm back-logged on homework in college again and I have to hurry up to catch up. Fortunately, that is not the case, and the rule from NA applies to this current area of my life also: "progress,.not perfection."
So today, task by task, item by item, I'm going to trudge through all the work I've scrounged up for myself and work through it toward my goal of bettering myself. I guess today is an adulting day lol.
PS,
Happy Friday everyone.
Between my daily routine maintenance stuff (like self-care actions and behaviors, daily meeting attendance, staying closely connected with my new sponsor T___ , I've typically got full days as it is with stuff to keep be occupied (especially when you factor in the god forsaken travel times it takes when you're taking the bus. Goddamn that stupid thing and it always being late)
But within the last couple of weeks, mainly this past week, I've gotten really motivated and developed more initiative to find and start more projects and more things for me to be working on that not only are serving the function of A - keeping me busy, but everything that I've started within the last couple of weeks are all concerning areas of my life that have to do with self-improvement, making amends for damage I've done in the past (both to myself and others), taking responsibility for unacceptable behavior I used to participate in the past, and, over all, just me becoming a better version of myself and tending to all areas of my life so that I can be the best me I can be.
All that is fine and good and all.
But I think I got a little over-zealous because I have so much shit to do now that I've started that I feel like I'm back-logged on homework in college again and I have to hurry up to catch up. Fortunately, that is not the case, and the rule from NA applies to this current area of my life also: "progress,.not perfection."
So today, task by task, item by item, I'm going to trudge through all the work I've scrounged up for myself and work through it toward my goal of bettering myself. I guess today is an adulting day lol.
PS,
Happy Friday everyone.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Landslide
Tonight has been, internally, intense. I ended up having a quiet night at home in my PJ shorts and comfy clothes early and spent time with the roomie which illicited some very intense, deep psychological-in-nature conversation about some issues and roadblocks each of us have right now that are standing in the way between us and further emotional and spiritual and psychological growth and self-awareness. And me,being the good little codependent I am, immediately hopped up and switched into "Mr Fix It Mode" because part of what's wrong with me is that I get validation off of helping you fix your problems, so I get to ignore myself and what's wrong with me. Thus, I embarked on what I've been doing for the last few hours, which is working on projects and solutions that will benefit K_____ as well as myself in goals we each have individually and in a shared sense.
But now that I've crossed over into "solution" mode, I can't turn it off, and I have a million different ideas and solutions and things I know I need to and can do to provide remedies and solutions to situations or roadblocks....I just can't execute them all at the same time, or right now for that matter at 2:39 in the morning. So I'm having to settle for taking extensive notes and writing everything down in battle/strategy plan format for now, and just keep in mind that tomorrow is another day filled with a whole new opportunity to make the most out of your day and tackle as much as you can and are willing, or let countless opportunities pass you by if you don't take the reins, take control, and be the writer of your own goddamn story, instead of just sitting in a pool of laziness and apathy and procrastination and watching shit come and go and wonder where the hell you were during all of it.
But now that I've crossed over into "solution" mode, I can't turn it off, and I have a million different ideas and solutions and things I know I need to and can do to provide remedies and solutions to situations or roadblocks....I just can't execute them all at the same time, or right now for that matter at 2:39 in the morning. So I'm having to settle for taking extensive notes and writing everything down in battle/strategy plan format for now, and just keep in mind that tomorrow is another day filled with a whole new opportunity to make the most out of your day and tackle as much as you can and are willing, or let countless opportunities pass you by if you don't take the reins, take control, and be the writer of your own goddamn story, instead of just sitting in a pool of laziness and apathy and procrastination and watching shit come and go and wonder where the hell you were during all of it.
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