Goodbye

For those of you who didn't know Gladys Scriven, I'm sorry you didn't have the opportunity to know one of the most epic and monumental and incredible human beings to ever exist.  The world is officially a much less brighter and far shittier place now that she's gone. 

And yet again...another person taken from me. 

the carnival cometh

i still don't believe in god.  i thought i did for a hot second, but i've been reminded that if there indeed is one that exists, he is a pig with a foul sense of humor and hates me.

but whatever cosmic guiding force or something that there is that exists out there...sure did step in on Sunday.

if anyone even still reads this and knows about a certain letter I wrote a few weeks ago, Sunday night I had put a lot of thought and "premeditated consideration" into it, and I had come to a place where I was okay with it.   And that letter would've been delivered to the intended recipient, among others that I was going to write shortly before ...final curtain call I guess you could call it. 

everyone i knew would be busy and at the carnival, and no one would be around or available to do something stupid like intervene.  i'm sure some of you wouldn't intervene in the first place, a few in particular, which kills me, but that's besides the point.

i was literally driving home to get that show started....and that quickly got de-railed. 
through the kindness of one of my friends, i ended up having probably one of the most incredible nights of this sad little life i have left.  to that friend who did that for me, and probably isn't even aware of it:  thank you. 

i almost missed the Carnival this year kids, but it wasn't in the cards for me to miss out. 

*******************

if you're still reading....i know you're not, but regardless:  what'd you think?  was it everything i tried to convey to you?  did you have fun?  are your ears still ringing?  i hope you had the best time and felt what i feel every time i go. 

miss you

the letter

still on the fence...but i think this might be a good weekend for delivery.

and i've learned from my mistakes:  there won't be any phone calls this time

party's over

the day has arrived, and i guess i'm starting to realize the party is over.

i hope you have the best weekend and you have the time of your life.  i wish i could be there to experience your first carnival.

inevitable

everything is falling apart.  it has been since you left.  i hope you're doing good and are happy. 

probably won't be much longer now.  i think this weekend will be a good time.

not cool

is this a fucking joke?  is blackberry/AT&T really fucking up or are you doing this?  because i'm getting every single email from you from conversations we've had over the last few months re-sent to my phone like i'm getting them for the first time.

it's been happening periodically every day and i'll get 2 or 3 of them at a time.  and i'm trying to do the "New Moon"....doing everything in my power to act as if you were never there, but then i get this, and see us talking and i'm fucking broken all over again.


there are no words powerful enough in any language to convey how much pain I am in.  not because of selfish reasons "oh he's hurting me" crap like that...but because i made you feel exactly the sheer loss and hopelessness and misery i'm completely enveloped in right now.  that...is enough to make me want to kill myself.

i'm so sorry

Reminder

this is it.

this is what it was like before you. 

pointless and trite and repetitive and lifeless and dull and lacking purpose and redundant with no sincerity and no real value at the end of it all.

yes i've been depressed before (understatement) and anyone who knows me well will know that i've struggled with really keeping my head above the tide sometimes, but i have never ever in my entire life experienced this.  

there is a void that has been left by what i've done and the suffering and heartbreak and pain i caused you and from your absence. 

i can and will never, ever forgive myself.
i don't know where you are what you're thinking or ....really anything....other than the single greatest ruination brought unto myself was me.  i miss you so much i don't think i can stand it some times, and when i say i love you i mean it just as much as i did that first time i said it in San Diego, and i hope that one day you can forgive me and there's something better than...whatever this is

Overload

i thought about you all day today.  i don't know what set it off but for some reason i kept seeing the huge cookie from valentine's day in my head.  and seeing those big long arms outstretched across it and the letters that read

"i love you this more much more"

and then sitting on top of that mountain eating our cookie with milk and looking at you and feeling perfectly content.

goodnight

My plea

just be over already.  please.

Totality

i feel that it's been achieved.

he said "some days are harder than others."  very true.  to say today is one of those days is an understatement.

looking back, the totality of everything and all the different elements and how things are now with myself and between the people i love the most, and that the person i loved the most has been completely removed,

i feel like the sum of everything up until this very second is a complete and total failure.  and i have yet to find any motivation to even have hope of anything better.  complete fucking waste of space and of 26 years of everyone's time.  i'm sorry

sick. again

it feels like that's all i ever am. 

and when i'm sick is the worst. because i'm whiney and vulnerable and needy and it's pathetic. 

and it feels like the only person in the world that could make me feel better or give me some sense of comfort is you.

and you hate me and you're gone.

and then....well. now what? 

i miss you so much.  even just talking to you about your day.

i really truly don't know if i'm willing to do this-- all of this, everything -- if this is how it's going to be

Monster

Paramore has a new song..


i thought of you.  it must be my theme song when you think of me.

aptly named too i guess

smouldering

i played with fire last night.  every single resource and piece of information i've come across said to NOT do this while on the meds that i'm on, but cautionary measures seem kinda pointless at the moment.

and so i played with fire indeed, and i know exactly why they warn not to do it, because i think i came dangerously close to having to have the letter delivered (see earlier post).

i should be bothered that i'm not bothered more by the fact that i'm indifferent to what almost happened.

but i'm already over it

and i'm still completely empty.  and part of me thinks that this is what will make him happy...for him to know that my world has been completely torn apart just like his was.  maybe happy was a bad choice of words...appeased? avenged?  satisfied?  i don't know.  but whatever word it is, he has every right to want it if that's the case. and if that is the case, i know i absolutely deserve this.  

hi

hope you're having a good week