Dry

Why am I so anxious?  And then it hits me.  I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs.  And it scares the shit out of me to be so lonely because it seems catastrophic -- seeing the car just as it hits you.  But then all of a sudden, that feeling is gone and I'm blank.  So it's like a door quickly opened, just a crack, to show me what a mess I was inside.  But not enough to really stare for long and absorb all the details.  Just enough to know the room needed some major spring cleaning.

************************************************************************


This will be my 2nd read of this book, and for some reason I think I'm going to really really appreciate and let this book sink in a lot more than I did the first time I read it. 

<3 this book

You Ready for a Fight?

some of the hardest and most difficult things to deal with and even think about, are, sometimes, the things that are most worth fighting for.

there are 2 areas in my life right now where this applies.  one of them is in the whole recovery aspect.  and that is something i will not compromise on.  i see it is possible, and i see myself on that path. and i like it.  and i'm willing to fight for that.

the other is somebody specific.  and i am willing to fight for him too. (not like actually physically fighting somebody), but i know this is going to be difficult, and there is the possibility that i may fail, but that's a chance i'm going to take.

and i am going to fight for you.  because i still miss you every day.  and there's a lot of trust to reestablish, and a lot of conversations to have over and a lot of things to re-establish and new memories to make, and bonds between us to mend as well as to others in your life that i've hurt, but i will take it all head on.   it's all worth it.

one can only hope this isn't a futile fight i'm going to be undertaking.  but like i said, i'll be patient.  i have control over me at all times.  and that has to be enough

Candy Everybody Wants (2)

       "Well, Half-pint.  That's quite a potboiler," she said, inadvertently
exhaling a perfect smoke ring.
       "I'd give up anything," Jayson said tearfully, "anything, just to start over."
"No can do, kiddo.  You can't change the script after it's been filmed."

Candy Everybody Wants

      "Don't go," was all Jayson could say as the tears starting backing up in the corners of his eyes.
      "I don't have a choice.  This is probably better for both of us.  You've got a fresh start.  I haven't found mine yet."
      "But I don't have anyone else."
      "You have a lot of people.  The problem is that you don't want them."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



...Wow

did that just happen?

did i just have a good week?  from start to finish?

i think i did :-D 

............... *knocks on wood*

premature

premature? maybe.  i gotta do me, and he's gotta do him. 

but...for the very first time

i have hope.

now:  patience young one.  you have work to do

Interesting question

so today, during Michael is Crazy Therapy time, an interesting question was posed to me by Chari....

"and how do you feel about what you said?"

and to be honest, i told you that truly...really.  i felt good.  what i said was true.  and honest.  and every time i read over what i said, i feel that it felt right.  like...you know when you say something and it feels so right and honest because you're really truly saying it because it is a truth to you?  thats how i felt about it.

so overall....today has been :  good.
 and my song of the evening: 
  Farewell Blues
 
-M-

CLICK

something clicked on tonight.  over the course of the last few days, i've felt...new? i dont know.  hopefully this isnt just the typical "high" part of the rollercoaster that's typical for one in my position with what i'm going through right now.  if it is, i'll handle it, because that's all we can ever do.

but i dunno...it's strange.  i've learned to start paying attention to thoughts that pop in my head.  not the watered down/rationalized thoughts that are so negotiated with my own strong/self-will rationalization bullshit that its all just garbage.  but the thoughts that just POP into your head immediately.  like the very first response you have to some sort of situation/thought of a situation/stimulus/etc.  because i've learned (about myself at least) that the very first response that forms immediately like that, is usually the thing that is truest to how you are feeling/what is going on in your head.  now, this CAN go both ways, and often does.  so the realization of what you really feel/think about something is not always something that doesnt fall under the category of "disheartening."  but either way, it is something that i have found to be extremely valuable because i'm REALLY listening to myself now, before i start diluting what is real with a bunch of CRAP.

anyway, the lightbulb that came on tonight was:  yes.  YES.  i really want this.  the things that are present right now in my life are in some way associated with the steps i have taken to change the trainwreck that was my life.  trainwreck doesnt even cover it.  there's still a ton of work to be done, but the small things that are present right now and "where I'm at" is all associated with the change that needed to be made...because otherwise i know i'd be dead.

and for the first time in a really long time, i can honestly say that being dead is NOT something i want. 

book update

ps,
finished reading The Da Vinci Code...to be honest, i give it an "eh."  i liked the subject matter and what everyone was fussing over, but i wasn't that impressed.  pretty much lots of talking in a museum or in some old fruit's mansion.  it was OK, but nothing stellar.

i'm only 50-ish pages into Candy Everybody Wants by Josh Kilmer-Purcell, and i'm already in love.

180

and just like that.  my day turned around.  *knocks on wood*

ps,
it is OFFICIALLY peppermint mocha season.  thank you cold weather!

no reply

it's monday, and there was never any response.  i knew that was a chance i had to take.  maybe it was too soon.

maybe he's busy.  maybe he's angry.  maybe he hates me absolutely.  maybe he took one look at the sender and hit delete.  maybe he's moved on. 

this could go on for days if i let it.  i can't get caught up in the story of my own "what if" disease.  i have to just stick to the facts.  and the facts are what i know.  and what i know is i miss him.  and i still love him, and i'll wait however long i need to and make whatever kind of amends i have to make if that's what it takes.

acceptance

i know i took a chance when i hit "Send"... but it was a chance that i know (now) that i was willing to take.  i'm not ready to give up.  i know it may be too soon for a lot of things, and i have had to accept that.  it was part of taking responsibility for what i did.

but i'm not ready to give up.


not unless you tell me it's time to give up. 

pregnant Lois

need something to cheer you up?  do what i've been doing any time i've felt a frown coming on:

watch this:

"yeah mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant"

=D *dies laughing*

FRIDAY

freedom!

Caffeine

entirely too much this morning....what started off as feeling a little jittery escalated and i am currently at work teetering on the edge of a full blown anxiety/panic attack.

i've been sitting at my desk for the last hour trying to get a grip.  whoever said breathing exercises work are clearly spewing forth nothing but lies and crap.