CLICK

something clicked on tonight.  over the course of the last few days, i've felt...new? i dont know.  hopefully this isnt just the typical "high" part of the rollercoaster that's typical for one in my position with what i'm going through right now.  if it is, i'll handle it, because that's all we can ever do.

but i dunno...it's strange.  i've learned to start paying attention to thoughts that pop in my head.  not the watered down/rationalized thoughts that are so negotiated with my own strong/self-will rationalization bullshit that its all just garbage.  but the thoughts that just POP into your head immediately.  like the very first response you have to some sort of situation/thought of a situation/stimulus/etc.  because i've learned (about myself at least) that the very first response that forms immediately like that, is usually the thing that is truest to how you are feeling/what is going on in your head.  now, this CAN go both ways, and often does.  so the realization of what you really feel/think about something is not always something that doesnt fall under the category of "disheartening."  but either way, it is something that i have found to be extremely valuable because i'm REALLY listening to myself now, before i start diluting what is real with a bunch of CRAP.

anyway, the lightbulb that came on tonight was:  yes.  YES.  i really want this.  the things that are present right now in my life are in some way associated with the steps i have taken to change the trainwreck that was my life.  trainwreck doesnt even cover it.  there's still a ton of work to be done, but the small things that are present right now and "where I'm at" is all associated with the change that needed to be made...because otherwise i know i'd be dead.

and for the first time in a really long time, i can honestly say that being dead is NOT something i want.