So I had the night to sleep on it, which I will admit, seems to help whenever I'm stuck pondering on something (I guess your brain still processes things while you're asleep). Anyway, I had overnight to process the previous conflicting dilemma I expressed in previous entries (to be 100% in recovery, or try and lead a "normal" life, doing what I really want, not what the program says I should do). While it's going against the grain of what I really want, and it drives me crazy to have to come to this conclusion, I've come to the decision that I think it would be best to try my best to follow a life in recovery.
My desire to be a "normal" person and partake in certain activities recreationally, is unfortunately, in vain and a completely unattainable fantasy because I've come to the realization that I am not one of those people that can do anything in moderation. That includes partying and the use of any substance, whether it's crystal, alcohol, G, or even cigarettes (I've been chain-smoking the last couple days, I fucking smell like an ashtray 24/7). I'm going to freely admit here (because it's MY blog and I'm attempting to write openly and honestly here) that the simple fact is: I fucking love drugs. Especially my drug of choice While I've learned that I can maintain while using and that I have achieved a level of functioning even while high in which I can still take care of myself and my responsibilities and go about my daily life, an unfortunate reality of that lifestyle is that it is incredibly lonely. Nobody wants to be around me when I'm using (my belief in that being conditional friendship and love is a whole other issue I won't even get into here) and it's incredibly lonely. There's the potential solution of hanging out and spending time with other people who are recreational users and "normal" people, but unfortunately, you can't fucking trust tweakers, or really anybody that's involved in that lifestyle because they lie, manipulate, cheat, steal, are dishonest, are fake, and are not genuine and real with you, and that goes against everything I want myself to be and the kind of person I want to surround myself with. So I end up high and incredibly lonely, which leads to me being desperate for any human interaction, which leads to me compromising my values in an attempt to have company, ANY company, and I end up hanging out with people I normally would steer clear from and not even waste my time on. The loneliness is soul crushing and leaves me feeling so desolate and isolated that my thoughts end up drifting to things and ideas that are dangerous and self-destructive and self-harming (yes, I'm talking about cutting) and also results in me just doing more and more drugs to try and numb the feelings of loneliness and isolation but it only feeds into it and isolates me more, thus, a vicious cycle. So, while, as I said, I love my drugs, I love having sound mind and having friends and being happy more and have realized that to continue using regularly translates to a perpetual state of misery and loneliness which I simply can't weather and tolerate and pushes the limits of my mental and emotional well-being. I'm already unstable and emotionally fragile and sensitive as it is, Adding the extreme emotional highs and lows that comes with crystal is something that, after a long period of time, I might not survive and end up doing something stupid that I intentionally do to hurt myself and ease my misery.
So in conclusion, anyone reading this will be happy to know that yes, I have chosen recovery. As much as it drives me crazy to say that because I'm craving dope even right now this very second, I've realized that to continue using is to cut me off from my friends, family, and loved ones and support, and I cannot function solely on my own thoughts and mind and ideas alone because they are not healthy, rational, and will ultimately just fuck shit up because that's what I'm good at ("there's something in our self-destructive personalities that cries for failure").
So, this morning, realizing I needed to take action and follow through with my decision, I took the box I mentioned previously in an entry (the box with the paraphernalia in it as well as the last vestiges of dope) and I threw it all away. Rigs, alcohol swabs, baggies, everything went into the garbage. I'm having "throwing away remorse" right now and I practically want to go digging through the dumpster outside to get it all back, but I know that's insane and that I did the right thing, because I now have nothing tying me to drug use left in my home. Next I need to follow up with more action and get talking to my friends and sponsor and reach out for help, because that's the antidote to the loneliness. And I also need to get to a meeting: STAT. Ultimately, I feel good about my action this morning and about my decision. It's incredibly freeing to know I don't have to continue being lonely and miserable and depressed to the point where I'm actually considering cutting myself.
So, today is day 1 all over again. I hate that I had to give up my clean time to go through this past week and come to my realization that I need recovery, but it takes what it takes and at least I've gotten into the solution now and can start stringing some days together instead of suffering day after day alone in my apartment, desperate for human contact. I need my sponsor, I need my friends, I need to get and stay connected, otherwise I'm going to go crazy.
Monday, October 12, 2015
October 12 -- Being Right
"We we admit that our lives had become unmanageable, we don't have to argue our point of view...We no longer have to be right all the time\."
Basic Text, page 58
Nothing isolates us more quickly from the warmth and camaraderie of our fellow NA members than having to be "right." Insecure, we pretend to be some kind of authority figure. Suffering from low self-esteem, we try to build ourselves up by putting others down. At best, such tactics push others away from us, at worst, they draw attack. The more we try to impress others with how "right" we are, the more wrong we become.
We don't have to be "right" to be secure; we don't have to pretend to have all the answers for others to love or respect us. In fact, just the opposite is true. None of us have all the answers. We depend upon one another to help bridge the gaps in our understanding of things, and we depend upon a Power greater than our own to make up for our personal powerlessness. We live easily with others when we offer what we know, admit what we don't, and seek to learn from our peers. We live securely in ourselves when we cease relying on our own power and start relying on the God we've come to understand in recovery.
We don't have to be "right" all the time, just recovering.
Just for Today: I admit my powerlessness and the unmangeability of my life. Help me live with others as an equal, dependent upon you for direction and strength.
Basic Text, page 58
Nothing isolates us more quickly from the warmth and camaraderie of our fellow NA members than having to be "right." Insecure, we pretend to be some kind of authority figure. Suffering from low self-esteem, we try to build ourselves up by putting others down. At best, such tactics push others away from us, at worst, they draw attack. The more we try to impress others with how "right" we are, the more wrong we become.
We don't have to be "right" to be secure; we don't have to pretend to have all the answers for others to love or respect us. In fact, just the opposite is true. None of us have all the answers. We depend upon one another to help bridge the gaps in our understanding of things, and we depend upon a Power greater than our own to make up for our personal powerlessness. We live easily with others when we offer what we know, admit what we don't, and seek to learn from our peers. We live securely in ourselves when we cease relying on our own power and start relying on the God we've come to understand in recovery.
We don't have to be "right" all the time, just recovering.
Just for Today: I admit my powerlessness and the unmangeability of my life. Help me live with others as an equal, dependent upon you for direction and strength.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Thought Processes Since Last Night
So after yesterday's ridiculously long blog post (go back and read it, it's stupid long, I got a little carried away lol) I was left with a lot of questions in my mind about how to proceed and what I'm going to do in regards to the feeling of being torn in 2 different directions that I described. In one direction is NA, the program, total abstinence, and all the rules I have to abide by to "successfully" work a program and gain the love and acceptance of others in the program. In the other direction is another potential path, that to me would still include the spiritual principles the program has taught me, because I can't deny that they are wonderful and can absolutely result in you being a better person as well as aid in your ability to cope with life and find your place in it. This other path would also be much less stringent on the abstinence policy, where I can still partake in certain activities that those in NA would normally "condemn" and pretty much return back to a state of just being "normal" and not having one indulgence here and there a sign of total catastrophe and having to deal with the drama of starting your clean days count over again, telling everybody what you've done, feeling like shit, feeling guilty, and then dealing with everybody temporarily abandoning you because you didn't follow the rules of the program and they "can't be around someone so close to active addiction" which, as I said yesterday, is total bullshit because that is conditional love and conditional acceptance. I'm not saying I want friends or people in my life that will cosign on my bullshit and just let me do things that hurt myself or people that don't have my best interest and well-being in mind, but I just find it hard to believe that I can't have friendships with people not in program that aren't real friendships or are somehow not valid because they're not in recovery. That's like saying anyone not in recovery is "off limits" for friendship because they're not in the cool club. It just doesn't make sense to me and frustrates me to think about it. And I'm tired of being judged by others in program when I tell them I am friends with one person or another that isn't in program or isn't abstinent. Like they think all that equates to them being bad people and that I shouldn't be around them. Judgmental much?
I was feeling pretty lost and confused and helpless yesterday after my blog post and up until I went to bed, totally plagued with confusion and turmoil and uncertainty and hesitation of which direction to set out in. After sleeping on it though, I feel a bit more grounded and a little more clear as to how I'm going to handle this. For right now, I'm going to take it day by day and see what each day brings and tackle it from there. If I try to think in long term plans, I get overwhelmed because I feel like I have to have a concrete battle plan for the foreseeable future. Who says I need to have a concrete battle plan that I can't deviate from? Shit, even the program teaches us "one day at a time." So I guess that's what I'll do with this too.
I was feeling pretty lost and confused and helpless yesterday after my blog post and up until I went to bed, totally plagued with confusion and turmoil and uncertainty and hesitation of which direction to set out in. After sleeping on it though, I feel a bit more grounded and a little more clear as to how I'm going to handle this. For right now, I'm going to take it day by day and see what each day brings and tackle it from there. If I try to think in long term plans, I get overwhelmed because I feel like I have to have a concrete battle plan for the foreseeable future. Who says I need to have a concrete battle plan that I can't deviate from? Shit, even the program teaches us "one day at a time." So I guess that's what I'll do with this too.
Eyeglasses and Attitudes -- October 11
"Our best thinking got us into trouble...Recovery is am active change in our ideas and attitudes."
Basic Text, page 55
In active addiction, the world probably looked like a horrible place. Using helped us tolerate the world we saw. Today, however, we understand that the world's condition wasn't really the problem. It was our ideas and attitudes about the world that made it impossible for us to find a comfortable place in it.
Our attitudes and our ideas are the eyeglasses through which we see our lives. If our "glasses" are smudged or dirty, our lives look dim. If our attitudes aren't well focused, the whole world appears distorted. To see the world clearly, we need to keep our attitudes and ideas clean, free of things like resentment, denial, self-pity, and closed-mindedness. To insure our vision of life is in focus, we have to bring our ideas in line with reality.
In addiction, our best thinking kept us from clearly seeing either the world or our part in it. Recovery serves to correct the prescriptions in our attitudinal eyewear. By stripping away our denial and replacing it with faith, self-honesty, humility, and responsibility, the steps help us see our lives in a whole new way. Then the steps help us keep our spiritual lenses clean, encouraging us to regularly examine our ideas, our attitudes, and our actions.
Today, seen through the clean lenses of faith and recovery, the world looks like a warm, inviting place to live.
Just For Today: I will view the world and my life through the clean spiritual lenses of my program.
Basic Text, page 55
In active addiction, the world probably looked like a horrible place. Using helped us tolerate the world we saw. Today, however, we understand that the world's condition wasn't really the problem. It was our ideas and attitudes about the world that made it impossible for us to find a comfortable place in it.
Our attitudes and our ideas are the eyeglasses through which we see our lives. If our "glasses" are smudged or dirty, our lives look dim. If our attitudes aren't well focused, the whole world appears distorted. To see the world clearly, we need to keep our attitudes and ideas clean, free of things like resentment, denial, self-pity, and closed-mindedness. To insure our vision of life is in focus, we have to bring our ideas in line with reality.
In addiction, our best thinking kept us from clearly seeing either the world or our part in it. Recovery serves to correct the prescriptions in our attitudinal eyewear. By stripping away our denial and replacing it with faith, self-honesty, humility, and responsibility, the steps help us see our lives in a whole new way. Then the steps help us keep our spiritual lenses clean, encouraging us to regularly examine our ideas, our attitudes, and our actions.
Today, seen through the clean lenses of faith and recovery, the world looks like a warm, inviting place to live.
Just For Today: I will view the world and my life through the clean spiritual lenses of my program.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Update!
Well well well, here we are again, and it's been a hot minute since I was here to update the few souls who actually read this...shit I haven't even been on here in so long to even re-post a daily meditation. But over the last few months, something about myself that I'm passionate about became very clearly evident as a form of expression, therapy, confession. coping, and processing of life's events....writing. I started off by writing in a regular old journal and the pen just FLOWED over page after page as I confessed, confided, bitched, moaned, prayed, and just wrote down whatever thoughts I had. But I guess I am a product of the new generation that is more inclined toward technology, because I found that I write even more passionately and fluidly when I'm typing. So with that realization, here we are on a Saturday night, with me updating the masses of this mess I call my life:
I'm not quite sure where to start, so I'm just going to dive in at a certain juncture and build around that.
EDC was absolutely mind blowing and life changing and incredible. I went with Nina this year and we had the absolute best weekend (not counting the mini fight we had the last night/morning of the festival, which was over stupid shit anyway and we eventually made up). I took tons of pictures and videos of some amazing moments so I have those to revert back to whenever I want to re-live a particular moment, like, for example, during Dada Life's set when they dropped a mash up of Deadmau5- Some Chords, and "This Machine Kills Ravers." The video I have is amazing; it captures the energy and the intense explosion when the beat drops and the whole crowd loses their shit. Tickets have already gone on sale for next year and yes, you best believe I've already gotten mine.
Health wise, I'm doing great. Was recently at the doctor and got the results from my blood work and my CD4 count is over 1000 and my viral load is completely undetectable. So proud of myself on that one.
Mentally, I feel okay, but I might not be doing as okay as I think I am. I was seeing a cognitive psychotherapist for a little while (fancy term for therapist/shrink/counselor), but stopped seeing him abruptly after one session I had with him during which it was clearly obvious he was on drugs, and I haven't been back to see him since.
My mom keeps urging me to find a new one though. The whole reason I had initially started going was because I had realized that I have 2 coping mechanisms in life: doing drugs, or cutting. As neither of those is a particularly healthy behavior, I had agreed to start seeing someone to talk about my issues surrounding my drug abuse and self-harming behavior. Unfortunately, neither of those issues was really dealt with by this hack of a therapist because shortly after I stopped seeing him, I ended up cutting myself again about a week later due to an event involving others from NA and gossip about me. All in all, it was a stupid, high-school-esque situation and apparently I'm not too fond of within certain cliques of "popular" addicts, but it still triggered my horribly low self-esteem issues and I used it as ammo to fuel my belief of "see! nobody wants you around! nobody likes you!" and thus, the cutting. It was a short lived escapade though and it only lasted 2 days, but it still sucks that I am still that close to reverting to that behavior even now at 30 years old.
Another momentous turning point since my last update is regarding my recovery. On August 2 I decided to come clean with everybody about what I had REALLY been up to for the past year, since around October of 2014: getting high, constantly, and maintaining my high, and living a double life of recovery and meetings and sponsors during the day, then using at night and keeping it a secret from everyone save for a select few. It's kinda funny though because when I told everyone, there seemed to be a resounding reply of "I know" from everyone because while I thought I was fine and maintaining normalcy this whole time, everyone else told me that no, for the past year, I've been a total nut case and emotionally unstable and that they knew something was off, but that me confirming I'd been using made total sense. After that, I recommitted myself to recovery, was making 1 to 2 meetings every day, powered through my first 3 steps and made it to the beginning of Step 4, and made some wonderful new friendships (and reconnected with old friends). Everything was going fine and my recovery was on track...until about a week ago. I'm not going to go any more details other than the ones I provide, but here's essentially what happened: there's a box in my apartment. It's a small box, and in this box are items associated with my drug of choice and the manner in which I do it. When I got clean in August, I threw all related contents of using into this box, and tucked it away under the sink in my bathroom, and from there totally forgot about it. Until a week ago. I came across it, and either out of simple curiosity, a yearning for a feeling of nostalgia, or sheer stupidity (or a combination of all 3) I opened the box to take a peak inside. Long story short, hours later, I was high again and am in the middle of a, so far, week, long relapse. I'm very conflicted right now because my default settings and life handling skills are all oriented out of NA and the program and what it's taught me. On the other hand, I have discovered about myself that I have the ability to use my drug of choice, but still go about taking care of my other stuff that I need to do during the day. In short, I know how to "maintain." In a discussion with a friend regarding this issue, he posed the question "okay, NA wants you to stay completely abstinent and says that's the only choice other than the opposite option, which is death. But that's what NA says, what about what you want?" And that's been bothering me all week. All week I've been plagued with the possibility of the idea that maybe my thinking and viewpoints are so completely dominated by NA dogma that I've lost touch with who I, ME, MICHAEL, really am and what I want and what I am capable of. While the NA program is wonderful and has taught me many things so valuable that I could never thank it enough, it is very limited in certain viewpoints, leaving no room for a status of "in between" with certain things, and the members of the program don't make such issues any easier, as you tend to be ostracized and shunned when you tell them that you have been using; everyone quickly moves away from you and you're left with nobody that wants to talk to you or can handle "being around somebody so close to their active addiction." Which, to me, is bullshit because that is conditional love and conditional friendship and I hate it because it's what my mother did to me for years.
Long story short, I'm very conflicted right now and feel like I'm being pulled in 2 completely polar opposite directions and it's ripping me apart because conflict presented with what I want to do and what NA is telling me to do.
I think that's enough for tonight. I'm going to try and get back in the habit of updating this regularly so expect more soon. Till next time.
I'm not quite sure where to start, so I'm just going to dive in at a certain juncture and build around that.
EDC was absolutely mind blowing and life changing and incredible. I went with Nina this year and we had the absolute best weekend (not counting the mini fight we had the last night/morning of the festival, which was over stupid shit anyway and we eventually made up). I took tons of pictures and videos of some amazing moments so I have those to revert back to whenever I want to re-live a particular moment, like, for example, during Dada Life's set when they dropped a mash up of Deadmau5- Some Chords, and "This Machine Kills Ravers." The video I have is amazing; it captures the energy and the intense explosion when the beat drops and the whole crowd loses their shit. Tickets have already gone on sale for next year and yes, you best believe I've already gotten mine.
Health wise, I'm doing great. Was recently at the doctor and got the results from my blood work and my CD4 count is over 1000 and my viral load is completely undetectable. So proud of myself on that one.
Mentally, I feel okay, but I might not be doing as okay as I think I am. I was seeing a cognitive psychotherapist for a little while (fancy term for therapist/shrink/counselor), but stopped seeing him abruptly after one session I had with him during which it was clearly obvious he was on drugs, and I haven't been back to see him since.
My mom keeps urging me to find a new one though. The whole reason I had initially started going was because I had realized that I have 2 coping mechanisms in life: doing drugs, or cutting. As neither of those is a particularly healthy behavior, I had agreed to start seeing someone to talk about my issues surrounding my drug abuse and self-harming behavior. Unfortunately, neither of those issues was really dealt with by this hack of a therapist because shortly after I stopped seeing him, I ended up cutting myself again about a week later due to an event involving others from NA and gossip about me. All in all, it was a stupid, high-school-esque situation and apparently I'm not too fond of within certain cliques of "popular" addicts, but it still triggered my horribly low self-esteem issues and I used it as ammo to fuel my belief of "see! nobody wants you around! nobody likes you!" and thus, the cutting. It was a short lived escapade though and it only lasted 2 days, but it still sucks that I am still that close to reverting to that behavior even now at 30 years old.
Another momentous turning point since my last update is regarding my recovery. On August 2 I decided to come clean with everybody about what I had REALLY been up to for the past year, since around October of 2014: getting high, constantly, and maintaining my high, and living a double life of recovery and meetings and sponsors during the day, then using at night and keeping it a secret from everyone save for a select few. It's kinda funny though because when I told everyone, there seemed to be a resounding reply of "I know" from everyone because while I thought I was fine and maintaining normalcy this whole time, everyone else told me that no, for the past year, I've been a total nut case and emotionally unstable and that they knew something was off, but that me confirming I'd been using made total sense. After that, I recommitted myself to recovery, was making 1 to 2 meetings every day, powered through my first 3 steps and made it to the beginning of Step 4, and made some wonderful new friendships (and reconnected with old friends). Everything was going fine and my recovery was on track...until about a week ago. I'm not going to go any more details other than the ones I provide, but here's essentially what happened: there's a box in my apartment. It's a small box, and in this box are items associated with my drug of choice and the manner in which I do it. When I got clean in August, I threw all related contents of using into this box, and tucked it away under the sink in my bathroom, and from there totally forgot about it. Until a week ago. I came across it, and either out of simple curiosity, a yearning for a feeling of nostalgia, or sheer stupidity (or a combination of all 3) I opened the box to take a peak inside. Long story short, hours later, I was high again and am in the middle of a, so far, week, long relapse. I'm very conflicted right now because my default settings and life handling skills are all oriented out of NA and the program and what it's taught me. On the other hand, I have discovered about myself that I have the ability to use my drug of choice, but still go about taking care of my other stuff that I need to do during the day. In short, I know how to "maintain." In a discussion with a friend regarding this issue, he posed the question "okay, NA wants you to stay completely abstinent and says that's the only choice other than the opposite option, which is death. But that's what NA says, what about what you want?" And that's been bothering me all week. All week I've been plagued with the possibility of the idea that maybe my thinking and viewpoints are so completely dominated by NA dogma that I've lost touch with who I, ME, MICHAEL, really am and what I want and what I am capable of. While the NA program is wonderful and has taught me many things so valuable that I could never thank it enough, it is very limited in certain viewpoints, leaving no room for a status of "in between" with certain things, and the members of the program don't make such issues any easier, as you tend to be ostracized and shunned when you tell them that you have been using; everyone quickly moves away from you and you're left with nobody that wants to talk to you or can handle "being around somebody so close to their active addiction." Which, to me, is bullshit because that is conditional love and conditional friendship and I hate it because it's what my mother did to me for years.
Long story short, I'm very conflicted right now and feel like I'm being pulled in 2 completely polar opposite directions and it's ripping me apart because conflict presented with what I want to do and what NA is telling me to do.
I think that's enough for tonight. I'm going to try and get back in the habit of updating this regularly so expect more soon. Till next time.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Property Lines - May 13
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abuse behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves.
Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abuse behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves.
Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Perfection - May 11
Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recovery. We may also have a tendency to pick on ourselves after we begin recovery.
"If I was really recovering, I wouldn't be doing that again..." "I should be further along than I am." These are statements that indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.
Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love.
Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.
Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.
Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I'm going tomorrow.
"If I was really recovering, I wouldn't be doing that again..." "I should be further along than I am." These are statements that indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.
Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love.
Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.
Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.
Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I'm going tomorrow.
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