Update!

Well well well, here we are again, and it's been a hot minute since I was here to update the few souls who actually read this...shit I  haven't even been on here in so long to even re-post a daily meditation.  But over the last few months, something about myself that I'm passionate about became very clearly evident as a form of expression, therapy, confession. coping, and processing of life's events....writing.  I started off by writing in a regular old journal and the pen just FLOWED over page after page as I confessed, confided, bitched, moaned, prayed, and just wrote down whatever thoughts I had.  But I guess I am a product of the new generation that is more inclined toward technology, because I found that I write even more passionately and fluidly when I'm typing.  So with that realization, here we are on a Saturday night, with me updating the masses of this mess I call my life:
I'm not quite sure where to start, so I'm just going to dive in at a certain juncture and build around that.

EDC was absolutely mind blowing and life changing and incredible.  I went with Nina this year and we had the absolute best weekend (not counting the mini fight we had the last night/morning of the festival, which was over stupid shit anyway and we eventually made up).  I took tons of pictures and videos of some amazing moments so I have those to revert back to whenever I want to re-live a particular moment, like, for example, during Dada Life's set when they dropped a mash up of Deadmau5- Some Chords, and "This Machine Kills Ravers."  The video I have is amazing; it captures the energy and the intense explosion when the beat drops and the whole crowd loses their shit.  Tickets have already gone on sale for next year and yes, you best believe I've already gotten mine.
Health wise, I'm doing great.  Was recently at the doctor and got the results from my blood work and my CD4 count is over 1000 and my viral load is completely undetectable.  So proud of myself on that one.

Mentally, I feel okay, but I might not be doing as okay as I think I am.  I was seeing a cognitive psychotherapist for a little while (fancy term for therapist/shrink/counselor), but stopped seeing him abruptly after one session I had with him during which it was clearly obvious he was on drugs, and I haven't been back to see him since.
My mom keeps urging me to find a new one though.  The whole reason I had initially started going was because I had realized that I have 2 coping mechanisms in life:  doing drugs, or cutting.  As neither of those is a particularly healthy behavior, I had agreed to start seeing someone to talk about my issues surrounding my drug abuse and self-harming behavior.  Unfortunately, neither of those issues was really dealt with by this hack of a therapist because shortly after I stopped seeing him, I ended up cutting myself again about a week later due to an event involving others from NA and gossip about me.  All in all, it was a stupid, high-school-esque situation and apparently I'm not too fond of within certain cliques of "popular" addicts, but it still triggered my horribly low self-esteem issues and I used it as ammo to fuel my belief of "see!  nobody wants you around!  nobody likes you!" and thus, the cutting.  It was a short lived escapade though and it only lasted 2 days, but it still sucks that I am still that close to reverting to that behavior even now at 30 years old.

Another momentous turning point since my last update is regarding my recovery.  On August 2 I decided to come clean with everybody about what I had REALLY been up to for the past year, since around October of 2014:  getting high, constantly, and maintaining my high, and living a double life of recovery and meetings and sponsors during the day, then using at night and keeping it a secret from everyone save for a select few.  It's kinda funny though because when I told everyone, there seemed to be a resounding reply of "I know" from everyone because while I thought I was fine and maintaining normalcy this whole time, everyone else told me that no, for the past year, I've been a total nut case and emotionally unstable and that they knew something was off, but that me confirming I'd been using made total sense.  After that, I recommitted myself to recovery, was making 1 to 2 meetings every day, powered through my first 3 steps and made it to the beginning of Step 4, and made some wonderful new friendships (and reconnected with old friends).  Everything was going fine and my recovery was on track...until about a week ago.  I'm not going to go any more details other than the ones I provide, but here's essentially what happened:  there's a box in my apartment.  It's a small box, and in this box are items associated with my drug of choice and the manner in which I do it.  When I got clean in August, I threw all related contents of using into this box, and tucked it away under the sink in my bathroom, and from there totally forgot about it.  Until a week ago.  I came across it, and either out of simple curiosity, a yearning for a feeling of nostalgia, or sheer stupidity (or a combination of all 3) I opened the box to take a peak inside.  Long story short, hours later, I was high again and am in the middle of a, so far, week, long relapse.  I'm very conflicted right now because my default settings and life handling skills are all oriented out of NA and the program and what it's taught me.  On the other hand, I have discovered about myself that I have the ability to use my drug of choice, but still go about taking care of my other stuff that I need to do during the day.  In short, I know how to "maintain."  In a discussion with a friend regarding this issue, he posed the question "okay, NA wants you to stay completely abstinent and says that's the only choice other than the opposite option, which is death.  But that's what NA says, what about what you want?"  And that's been bothering me all week.  All week I've been plagued with the possibility of the idea that maybe my thinking and viewpoints are so completely dominated by NA dogma that I've lost touch with who I, ME, MICHAEL, really am and what I want and what I am capable of.  While the NA program is wonderful and has taught me many things so valuable that I could never thank it enough, it is very limited in certain viewpoints, leaving no room for a status of "in between" with certain things, and the members of the program don't make such issues any easier, as you tend to be ostracized and shunned when you tell them that you have been using; everyone quickly moves away from you and you're left with nobody that wants to talk to you or can handle "being around somebody so close to their active addiction."  Which, to me, is bullshit because that is conditional love and conditional friendship and I hate it because it's what my mother did to me for years.

Long story short, I'm very conflicted right now and feel like I'm being pulled in 2 completely polar opposite directions and it's ripping me apart because conflict presented with what I want to do and what NA is telling me to do.

I think that's enough for tonight.  I'm going to try and get back in the habit of updating this regularly so expect more soon.  Till next time.