So I had the night to sleep on it, which I will admit, seems to help whenever I'm stuck pondering on something (I guess your brain still processes things while you're asleep). Anyway, I had overnight to process the previous conflicting dilemma I expressed in previous entries (to be 100% in recovery, or try and lead a "normal" life, doing what I really want, not what the program says I should do). While it's going against the grain of what I really want, and it drives me crazy to have to come to this conclusion, I've come to the decision that I think it would be best to try my best to follow a life in recovery.
My desire to be a "normal" person and partake in certain activities recreationally, is unfortunately, in vain and a completely unattainable fantasy because I've come to the realization that I am not one of those people that can do anything in moderation. That includes partying and the use of any substance, whether it's crystal, alcohol, G, or even cigarettes (I've been chain-smoking the last couple days, I fucking smell like an ashtray 24/7). I'm going to freely admit here (because it's MY blog and I'm attempting to write openly and honestly here) that the simple fact is: I fucking love drugs. Especially my drug of choice While I've learned that I can maintain while using and that I have achieved a level of functioning even while high in which I can still take care of myself and my responsibilities and go about my daily life, an unfortunate reality of that lifestyle is that it is incredibly lonely. Nobody wants to be around me when I'm using (my belief in that being conditional friendship and love is a whole other issue I won't even get into here) and it's incredibly lonely. There's the potential solution of hanging out and spending time with other people who are recreational users and "normal" people, but unfortunately, you can't fucking trust tweakers, or really anybody that's involved in that lifestyle because they lie, manipulate, cheat, steal, are dishonest, are fake, and are not genuine and real with you, and that goes against everything I want myself to be and the kind of person I want to surround myself with. So I end up high and incredibly lonely, which leads to me being desperate for any human interaction, which leads to me compromising my values in an attempt to have company, ANY company, and I end up hanging out with people I normally would steer clear from and not even waste my time on. The loneliness is soul crushing and leaves me feeling so desolate and isolated that my thoughts end up drifting to things and ideas that are dangerous and self-destructive and self-harming (yes, I'm talking about cutting) and also results in me just doing more and more drugs to try and numb the feelings of loneliness and isolation but it only feeds into it and isolates me more, thus, a vicious cycle. So, while, as I said, I love my drugs, I love having sound mind and having friends and being happy more and have realized that to continue using regularly translates to a perpetual state of misery and loneliness which I simply can't weather and tolerate and pushes the limits of my mental and emotional well-being. I'm already unstable and emotionally fragile and sensitive as it is, Adding the extreme emotional highs and lows that comes with crystal is something that, after a long period of time, I might not survive and end up doing something stupid that I intentionally do to hurt myself and ease my misery.
So in conclusion, anyone reading this will be happy to know that yes, I have chosen recovery. As much as it drives me crazy to say that because I'm craving dope even right now this very second, I've realized that to continue using is to cut me off from my friends, family, and loved ones and support, and I cannot function solely on my own thoughts and mind and ideas alone because they are not healthy, rational, and will ultimately just fuck shit up because that's what I'm good at ("there's something in our self-destructive personalities that cries for failure").
So, this morning, realizing I needed to take action and follow through with my decision, I took the box I mentioned previously in an entry (the box with the paraphernalia in it as well as the last vestiges of dope) and I threw it all away. Rigs, alcohol swabs, baggies, everything went into the garbage. I'm having "throwing away remorse" right now and I practically want to go digging through the dumpster outside to get it all back, but I know that's insane and that I did the right thing, because I now have nothing tying me to drug use left in my home. Next I need to follow up with more action and get talking to my friends and sponsor and reach out for help, because that's the antidote to the loneliness. And I also need to get to a meeting: STAT. Ultimately, I feel good about my action this morning and about my decision. It's incredibly freeing to know I don't have to continue being lonely and miserable and depressed to the point where I'm actually considering cutting myself.
So, today is day 1 all over again. I hate that I had to give up my clean time to go through this past week and come to my realization that I need recovery, but it takes what it takes and at least I've gotten into the solution now and can start stringing some days together instead of suffering day after day alone in my apartment, desperate for human contact. I need my sponsor, I need my friends, I need to get and stay connected, otherwise I'm going to go crazy.
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