New Sponsor

Just had my first meeting with C____ (my new sponsor).  We just sat and drank coffee and talked for 2 hours about where I'm at right now and got caught up with each other on where we're at in our recovery right now.  It went great!  I feel like I have a sponsor again:  someone to guide me, teach me, and someone I can confide in.  I have been lacking that feeling for so long and towards the end of my sponsorship with S____ I felt like I was sponsoring him.  It's my own fault for placing him on a pedestal though and I  have to remember that he's only human and he's just another addict like me trying to stay clean.  It's time for me to move on though and let it -- and him -- go.
What I really feel good about too is that C____ gave me some clear cut directions:  phone call every day, meeting every day.  And we're going to meet again every Thursday from here on out.   I have a really good feeling about this.  Next week we're going to go over my Steps 1 and 2 and he said I can continue to work out of the Step Working Guide.  It seems like just what I needed in a sponsor.  I'm glad God placed him in my life at just the right time.  I know I absolutely cannot do this alone.

30

I'm 30!  I'm fucking 30!  Today is my birthday.  Honestly, I'm surprised I lived this long.  Earlier in my 20s, I could've sworn I'd be dead by 26.  I had this whole idea of living fast and dying young in a blaze of glory and drugs and brilliance.  Sick right?  If it hadn't been for recovery and the intervention in 2011 I'm sure I'd be dead by now.
Turning 30 has be reflecting on some of my behaviors lately that seem so juvenile and are now unacceptable.  I'm going to blow my own cover and admit that yes, I have been cutting again.  I've been doing it for the past week and today is going to be day 1 of no more cutting.  I'm 30 years old now, enough is enough.
Another behavior that is no longer acceptable is my shoplifting.  I haven't done it in a while but that shit is so basic and juvenile that it has no place in my life anymore.
I spent my 20s wrecking my life.  Now I want to spend my 30s rebuilding it.  I want to foster emotional well-being and maturity, mental stability, growth, acceptance, integrity, and good-will.  Anything or anyone that doesn't fit in with these notions can go kick rocks.
Happy birthday to me.

January 26 - Off The Hook

We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships -- behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency.  More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her.  That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game.  We need to recognize it.  We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable, and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy?  Guilt?  Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much.  Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing.  It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out.  Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another?  We need to insist that we behave in direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it.  Require the same from ourselves.  If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.

Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized.  I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honest I, and others, deserve.

"Not Good Enough!"

So my head was messing with me yesterday.  I woke up and to sum it all up, I had a case of the "not good enoughs."  I woke up and started writing on my Step 3, and didn't feel like I was writing enough, so I closed the books and said "Fuck this."  Next, I tried to sketch/draw a little bit, but I hated the finished product so I put that down and said "fuck this."  Then, I tried to sit down and read for a while but felt like I wasn't reading enough, got frustrated, said "Fuck this" and put the book down.  I was getting so frustrated with everything and myself.  I considered calling my Sponsor but my head lied to me and told me not to bother him because he had his own stuff going on and probably would be bothered if I called him (this was not true, but we'll come back to this later).  So I stopped and utilized something I learned from the program, "The Reset."  When you're having a bad moment (morning, afternoon, etc.) you don't have to let it turn into a whole bad day, you can reset and start the day over again at any time.  So I laid down for a nap to reset, woke up 3 hours later and was completely refreshed and had new lenses on my focus of the day.  My writing was okay, my drawing wasn't that bad, and I've been reading like crazy and acknowledged that, so I picked up the book again and now I'm almost finished with it.
I also ended up going to my Home Group meeting last night at 6 and met up with my Sponsor there and told him everything that had gone on and he told me that I SHOULD'VE called him and that I can always try to call him and that he's always available for me and that when my head told me to not bother him, that was my disease fucking with me.
So, in summary, my head made me a little crazy yesterday and, even though I did listen to it by not calling my sponsor, I still utilized tools I've learned from the program and got through it.

Step 2 Review

I went over my Step 2 yesterday with my Sponsor.  It wasn't as intense or emotionally raw as my 1st step, but it was still very insightful.  I learned a lot, reaffirmed a lot of what I already knew (or had a hunch about), and revealed a lot more of myself to my Sponsor.  We also hit 2 meetings yesterday and our shitty meeting luck I talked about earlier this week seems to have gone away as both meetings we went to yesterday were really good.
Today I'm going to move ahead and get started on my Step 3, hit the gym with S____ and then later tonight we're going to my home group at 6pm.  Not much else to report.  And I'm a-okay with that today.  I don't need a bunch of drama to be going on or chaos happening to feel comfortable.  I like my new quiet, peaceful life =)

January 22 - Accepting Our Past

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness.  But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth.  Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons.  Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes?  Necessary.  Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress?  Necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned.  We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today.  Each step of the way, we progressed.
Is our past a mistake?  No.  The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.

Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships.  I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.

1/22/2015

Yesterday was great!  I got to see N___!  I skipped the gym yesterday because S____ and I decided to take a rest day but we still went to the Noon meeting, which btw, was, as I was hoping for yesterday, a fucking NORMAL meeting (finally).  I definitely needed it.  I felt like I finally got a dose of medicine I had been lacking for the last few days.  Afterwards, I went home and had barely gotten in when N___ asked if she could come over then so we had a chance to talk and catch up.  She came over, I brewed some coffee, and we just sat and talked for 2 hours.  It was so good to catch up with my bunny!  I also, hastily, put together a CD for her with some of my favorite new tracks, so I hope she liked it.
After talking for 2 hours wen went and stopped at Starbucks (I finally signed up with that Starbucks iPhone app and had a free drink) and then we headed to Suncoast for The Hobbit:  The Battle of the Five Armies.

 It was AWESOME.  I'm so grateful I have a friend I can nerd out with because I totally geeked out during this movie; some of the scenes were so bad ass.  I ended up getting home past 7:30 though and didn't make it to bed until 10ish, so I slept in this morning waaaaaaaaaaay past my usual wake up time.  I didn't wake up till EIGHT!  Today I'm doing 2 meetings with my Sponsor (one at 10:30 and the other at noon), then we're hitting the gym.  It's almost Friday too!  Thgis week went by FAST.