So about a month ago, while I was dating this guy for like 3 weeks (just long enough for me to figure out he was a manipulative asshole), we went out one night to Walmart and I asked if I could drive just for kicks since I hadn't driven in forever (due to my license being revoked). He said sure, we pull out, leave, and are literally driving down Lake Mead for the 45 seconds it takes to get from my place to the grocery store when BAM....flashing lights behind us.
Long story short, I got fucking lucky that night because they didn't arrest me, but I did get a traffic citation. The original court date for this to be handled was on Monday. However, I went down to the Regional Justice Center on Monday and at the traffic citation help window the teller looked up my case and informed me that due to the nature of the offense (driving on a revoked license), it requires a mandatory hearing before a judge. So I'm kind of freaking out right now and getting more nervous by the second because I just have this image in my head that they're gonna arrest me on the spot for something or if I'm not able to pay the full fine fee right on the spot. The last 2 times I went to jail I was on G or high and just wanted to lay down so I didn't really give a shit where I was. If I go to jail while in recovery....something is VERY wrong with this whole picture.
Other than that, stuff has continued to be quiet in all other areas, social life included. Now that I've figured out that I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by or associating with people I can't trust, it's been very quiet around here. Calm, peaceful....but at the same time boring. On the plus side, it's giving me ample time to spend hour after hour in front of my computer screens piecing together this new business and what I'm trying to build. I still have no fucking clue what the "right" way to do this is, so I'm just learning as I go. That's how I learn best anyways....hands on kinda thing.
Anyway, got a bunch of shit to do before it's time to leave for court.
Stay tuned.....
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
The Beginning of my "Work Week"
So today is Wednesday, which means it's the beginning of my work week. M______ (the owner of Morgan Specialties) and I agreed that my days to come in and volunteer would be Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. So I just wanted to check in here real quick before I eat a quick breakfast, down another cup of coffee, get in the shower, get dressed, and jet.
I'm slowly but surely being consumed by everything pertaining to the business getting off the ground. I find myself constantly looking for ways to either A-enhance the size of the population who will see advertising for it thereby bringing me clients or B- anything that has to do with what appears to be result producing, cost-effective, lucrative methods of marketing and advertising. Just now I signed up on YP.com so hopefully that'll gain some attention. And of course I'm going to spend some time later tonight going down the check list of things I already know I need to do that'll increase my target audience and also increase the likelihood that they'll be reached and results will come about. I'm slowly becoming completely obsessed with it and helping it grow. Maybe that's a sign I'm going to make a great business owner? Or maybe that's just reaffirmation that I'm an addict and I'm obsessed with yet some new fad lol.
Stay tuned.
I'm slowly but surely being consumed by everything pertaining to the business getting off the ground. I find myself constantly looking for ways to either A-enhance the size of the population who will see advertising for it thereby bringing me clients or B- anything that has to do with what appears to be result producing, cost-effective, lucrative methods of marketing and advertising. Just now I signed up on YP.com so hopefully that'll gain some attention. And of course I'm going to spend some time later tonight going down the check list of things I already know I need to do that'll increase my target audience and also increase the likelihood that they'll be reached and results will come about. I'm slowly becoming completely obsessed with it and helping it grow. Maybe that's a sign I'm going to make a great business owner? Or maybe that's just reaffirmation that I'm an addict and I'm obsessed with yet some new fad lol.
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Smooth Sailing
Day 2 of smooth sailing so far. Granted I just woke up about an hour ago so nothing momentous has had the opportunity to rock my day yet,but I'm anticipated another good day of attending meetings, talking to my friends,and quiet time at home, and not having to participate in any bull shit drama. It feels like I've finally, successfully, cracked the formula to having peace, calm, and serenity in my life, and that is to completely remove the elements that oppose that from my life. Even if that means I'm alone 98% of the time, I'll take that over getting stabbed in the back, manipulated, lied to, stolen from, used, or otherwise abused in some fashion by somebody that I thought I could trust, then having them turn out to be another trash box generated by this dumpster of a city.
In other news, now that things have quieted down in my life, I am able to focus and turn my attention toward things that I was, previously, ignoring or just didn't have time to get to because of the distraction other crises were creating. For instance: my meeting attendance has gone back up, and I am back to making at least one a day, usually 2. Which, I've discovered, is paramount to my sanity because it keeps me connected to people, gives me a chance to be social and talk to others in recovery, and forces me to have interactions with voices and people outside the multiple evil ones in my head that are constantly telling me I'm worthless and not good enough for anything or anybody and that I should kill myself (yes, my negative self-talk really is that bad). Another example is my business project. Since removing negative distractions and ill-meaning people, my attention and time has been freed up and I've been able to clock more time into getting my baby off the ground and working slowly more and more towards what it'll take to get this thing off the ground and in the air and generating a profit. I still have a long way to go, but the ball is rolling and the gears in my head are turning and I know what steps I have to take, one foot in front of the other, to get to where I wanna be next in order to make this successful.
Speaking of the business, it's time I worked on that for a little while. Until next time faithful followers.
Stay tuned.
In other news, now that things have quieted down in my life, I am able to focus and turn my attention toward things that I was, previously, ignoring or just didn't have time to get to because of the distraction other crises were creating. For instance: my meeting attendance has gone back up, and I am back to making at least one a day, usually 2. Which, I've discovered, is paramount to my sanity because it keeps me connected to people, gives me a chance to be social and talk to others in recovery, and forces me to have interactions with voices and people outside the multiple evil ones in my head that are constantly telling me I'm worthless and not good enough for anything or anybody and that I should kill myself (yes, my negative self-talk really is that bad). Another example is my business project. Since removing negative distractions and ill-meaning people, my attention and time has been freed up and I've been able to clock more time into getting my baby off the ground and working slowly more and more towards what it'll take to get this thing off the ground and in the air and generating a profit. I still have a long way to go, but the ball is rolling and the gears in my head are turning and I know what steps I have to take, one foot in front of the other, to get to where I wanna be next in order to make this successful.
Speaking of the business, it's time I worked on that for a little while. Until next time faithful followers.
Stay tuned.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Shhhhh.....do you hear that?
Oh my gosh....do you hear that? Is that.....quiet? Calm? Peace? Lack of chaos? Order? No drama? I don't want to jinx it, but I think it just might be. God, again, did for my what I couldn't do myself over the past couple of days and removed a few more people out of my life and me out of their social circle, which only serves as a benefit to me because these people were trouble or trouble waiting to happen and the kind that would drag you down with them when they flushed down the toilet. So that's 3 down and removed total. I wonder who's next? All I know is the one's that are left standing after others being picked off are the ones that I need to direct my attention to and that are my real friends and they are the ones I need to be investing in. Not those other losers.
Meanwhile, I got a job! Sort of. For the last several months I've had many different people from many different places all tell me the exact same thing "get involved in volunteer work. You'd love it. It'll give you something to do. You'll feel better about yourself. Blah blah blah." And then there's me with my huge ego replying with "oh no if I'm investing my time and my energy and my work skills into some place I feel I need to be compensated for it." #bitch
So, I've been emailing back and forth with a friend that my mom and I know who happens to own two very successful businesses, We got on the topic of me volunteering and she said she'd love to have me. So I started last week. It's only 3 days a week, Wed, Thurs. and Friday from 10am to 4pm (or whenever I feel like leaving). And she also said after a while of this and seeing what kind of contribution I'm giving to the operations of her business, if she realizes that I'm a direct asset, she'll just hire me outright and start paying me. So that's cool.
Finally, I had court today down at the Regional Justice Center for a traffic citation I received when getting pulled over while driving this asshole's car (that I only ended up dating for like
or 4 weeks, thank God). The official charge was "driving on a revoked license." I show up to the Justice Center expecting a long wait until my name comes up on the docket, but instead am directed to a huge lobby that was very DMV-esque with the numbered booths and the "take a number" system. My number gets called, and then the oh-so-NOT pleasant employee behind the desk informs me that due to the nature of the charge, driving on a revoked license, it requires a mandatory court hearing. So I now have an official court date to appear before a judge this Thursday at 2pm and I'm nervous AF. Like I have this image in my head of them taking me into custody right there on the spot and me going to jail NOT HIGH. The last 2 times I went to jail I was high, so I didn't really care where I was I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep even if it was on the dirty floor of the holding/processing tank at City Jail. If I go to jail Thursday in recovery and in a nice ouitfit and tie....this bitch will not be happy.
Meanwhile, I got a job! Sort of. For the last several months I've had many different people from many different places all tell me the exact same thing "get involved in volunteer work. You'd love it. It'll give you something to do. You'll feel better about yourself. Blah blah blah." And then there's me with my huge ego replying with "oh no if I'm investing my time and my energy and my work skills into some place I feel I need to be compensated for it." #bitch
So, I've been emailing back and forth with a friend that my mom and I know who happens to own two very successful businesses, We got on the topic of me volunteering and she said she'd love to have me. So I started last week. It's only 3 days a week, Wed, Thurs. and Friday from 10am to 4pm (or whenever I feel like leaving). And she also said after a while of this and seeing what kind of contribution I'm giving to the operations of her business, if she realizes that I'm a direct asset, she'll just hire me outright and start paying me. So that's cool.
Finally, I had court today down at the Regional Justice Center for a traffic citation I received when getting pulled over while driving this asshole's car (that I only ended up dating for like
or 4 weeks, thank God). The official charge was "driving on a revoked license." I show up to the Justice Center expecting a long wait until my name comes up on the docket, but instead am directed to a huge lobby that was very DMV-esque with the numbered booths and the "take a number" system. My number gets called, and then the oh-so-NOT pleasant employee behind the desk informs me that due to the nature of the charge, driving on a revoked license, it requires a mandatory court hearing. So I now have an official court date to appear before a judge this Thursday at 2pm and I'm nervous AF. Like I have this image in my head of them taking me into custody right there on the spot and me going to jail NOT HIGH. The last 2 times I went to jail I was high, so I didn't really care where I was I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep even if it was on the dirty floor of the holding/processing tank at City Jail. If I go to jail Thursday in recovery and in a nice ouitfit and tie....this bitch will not be happy.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
My Bed
So we've reached a milestone....I slept in my bed for the first time last night in almost 3 weeks. That may not sound like a big deal, but for those of you who know about my neurosis and anxiety issues, we've discussed why I've been choosing to sleep on the couch ever since K_____ took her not so graceful exit from being my roommate. Last night however, I grabbed my favorite blanket, turned the lights off, and laid down in bed thinking "lemme just try it." And I guess my body was ready for a regular bed again because I was out within seconds and slept almost 12 hours. So no more sleeping on the couch for me.
Other than that, the last 2 days were a total roller coaster thanks to an unexpected introduction to a new person I didn't plan on meeting. This person is pretty much amazing and, of course, they don't live in Las Vegas (because let's be honest, the cool ones never do. This city breeds nothing but shade and trash). I had the best time in this person's company, and when we parted I was kind of caught off guard with how difficult it was to say good bye, but thanks to the training this city has given me, I was able to switch off any and all emotions I was having, dust myself off, get up, and walk away and start pushing through the crowd as I made my way out and off the Strip and back toward home. I doubt I'll ever see or hear from this person again, but I thank God and the Universe for showing me there are still awesome people out there somewhere that show up every once in a while.....
They just don't live in Las Vegas.
Anyway, today is back to business as usual. About to get dressed and meet up with the parental unit, go to Best Buy to buy some replacement iPhone earbuds (because somebody stole mine over the weekend) and possibly a new lightning cable because mine is iffy on when it decides it wants to work. Then possibly Urgent Care (because I think my Cellulitis is back in my arm), then a meeting later tonight at 6. Happy Saturday *eye roll*
Other than that, the last 2 days were a total roller coaster thanks to an unexpected introduction to a new person I didn't plan on meeting. This person is pretty much amazing and, of course, they don't live in Las Vegas (because let's be honest, the cool ones never do. This city breeds nothing but shade and trash). I had the best time in this person's company, and when we parted I was kind of caught off guard with how difficult it was to say good bye, but thanks to the training this city has given me, I was able to switch off any and all emotions I was having, dust myself off, get up, and walk away and start pushing through the crowd as I made my way out and off the Strip and back toward home. I doubt I'll ever see or hear from this person again, but I thank God and the Universe for showing me there are still awesome people out there somewhere that show up every once in a while.....
They just don't live in Las Vegas.
Anyway, today is back to business as usual. About to get dressed and meet up with the parental unit, go to Best Buy to buy some replacement iPhone earbuds (because somebody stole mine over the weekend) and possibly a new lightning cable because mine is iffy on when it decides it wants to work. Then possibly Urgent Care (because I think my Cellulitis is back in my arm), then a meeting later tonight at 6. Happy Saturday *eye roll*
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Without fail...even if it kills me
So Sunday night, right before I went to bed, I took a quick glance at my calendar/planner that I had mapped out the week in and reviewed what I had committed to for the week. And the theme that stuck out became immediately apparent: meetings every single day of the week, multiple meetings on most days. Because last week there was a severe, critical shortage of meetings, so much so that I was absolutely crazy for the majority of the week; stuck in my own head, acting out in all sorts of different, sick ways, and not handling situations with as much grace and dignity that I know I'm capable of, but, instead, losing my shit and causing yet more wreckage around me. So getting to the point, today, Tuesday, I had mapped and planned out as to having it go a certain why at certain times and for me to be at certain places at such and such time for this duration etc etc. Okay well we've all heard the expression "when we make plans, God laughs." Today was nothing but a testament to that statement.
The doctor's appointment that I thought I would be in too long for me to make a meeting at 10:30 ended up ending with enough time for me to have made the meeting.
Then, if I wanted to go to the noon meeting, there wouldn't have been enough time between that meeting and the 2:30pm meeting for me to get from one spot to another since I take the bus, then would have to leave that meeting early to get to my dentist appointment I have scheduled at 4pm, which I was going to go to the 2:30 meeting and just leave a little early so I could get to the dentist on time, but I had leaving meetings early so since I'm an addict and it's "all or nothing" I decided to skip the 2:30 and am now just going to go straight to my dentist appointment and leave my place around 3:15, then when my dentist appointment is overt I'm going to my old Home Group meeting, "Blind Faith," which, I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about going to considering particular members that will be in attendance and that the last time I was there it was very evident that personalities had been placed higher up on the list of priorities above principles and that the meeting had turned into a fucking popularity contest like some high school bullshit.
But a meeting is a meeting, even if it's a shitty, catty, judgmental one, and I refuse to waiver from my commitment to myself to make at least one meeting a day every day this week. My sanity depends on it. Time to hop in the shower and get ready so I'm on time for the dentist.
The doctor's appointment that I thought I would be in too long for me to make a meeting at 10:30 ended up ending with enough time for me to have made the meeting.
Then, if I wanted to go to the noon meeting, there wouldn't have been enough time between that meeting and the 2:30pm meeting for me to get from one spot to another since I take the bus, then would have to leave that meeting early to get to my dentist appointment I have scheduled at 4pm, which I was going to go to the 2:30 meeting and just leave a little early so I could get to the dentist on time, but I had leaving meetings early so since I'm an addict and it's "all or nothing" I decided to skip the 2:30 and am now just going to go straight to my dentist appointment and leave my place around 3:15, then when my dentist appointment is overt I'm going to my old Home Group meeting, "Blind Faith," which, I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about going to considering particular members that will be in attendance and that the last time I was there it was very evident that personalities had been placed higher up on the list of priorities above principles and that the meeting had turned into a fucking popularity contest like some high school bullshit.
But a meeting is a meeting, even if it's a shitty, catty, judgmental one, and I refuse to waiver from my commitment to myself to make at least one meeting a day every day this week. My sanity depends on it. Time to hop in the shower and get ready so I'm on time for the dentist.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Perfect Timing -- Evidence of my HP at work
So, for those of you that have been following my recent events or that know me better than just blog or Facebook posts, you know I experienced a sort of upheaval in my home life/living situation last week as the person who had committed to being my roommate decided to bail on me and promptly moved all of her shit out of the apartment that same day, paid what money she owed me, and peaced out.
In retrospect, my sponsor was absolutely right when he, in response to this development, said that this was actually a blessing and that it was an example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself; that she saw that I was all about recovery right now; about stability, responsibility, accountability, all those other spiritual principles that the program teaches us....she saw that and decided to high-tail it outa here because that didn't vibe with what she wanted to happen. So while on the one hand my sponsor may be right about her taking her leave being a good thing, I didn't and don't feel like it was, because there was this moment, just after she left, when the apartment was quiet again....
all the movers had left.....her and her psycho brother were gone....whatever thugs she had rounded up to help motive shit were gone...and it was just me alone in the apartment, standing in the middle of the empty second bedroom and there I was listening to the silence. And it was deafening. And I thought "great....yet again, another person that couldn't stand or didn't want to be around you. you don't get to have friends. you don't deserve to have friends. of course she left, why would she want to even live with you? you're a worthless piece of shit. you're destiny is to always be alone so get used to flying solo loser."
And that's where my mind has been stuck at since last Thursday.
Until tonight.
Recently, I had been emailing back and forth with a friend of mine who happens to own a pretty successful business out here in Las Vegas and we were tossing around the idea of me maybe showing up at one of her job sites and putting in some volunteer hours. We fin ally scheduled and finalized a phone conference call for this evening and I gotta say, I'm pretty blown away by the power of one simple step in the right direction, for the sake of personal and spiritual growth, and in the spirit of open-mindedness.....what all of that can produce. Not only did I sign up for and am now committed to volunteer work 3 days a week at her corporate office (which is a 5 minute bus ride from my apartment btw), but she said knowing my talent and level of skill that when it gets to the point where she sees that she and her business can't live without me she'll just hire me outright and start paying me as a full time employee.
God saw that I was dying inside from loneliness and isolation and depression....and sent this little package of goodness right down in front of me. So grateful and excited to see where this goes. My first day is this Thursday.
Stay tuned....
In retrospect, my sponsor was absolutely right when he, in response to this development, said that this was actually a blessing and that it was an example of God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself; that she saw that I was all about recovery right now; about stability, responsibility, accountability, all those other spiritual principles that the program teaches us....she saw that and decided to high-tail it outa here because that didn't vibe with what she wanted to happen. So while on the one hand my sponsor may be right about her taking her leave being a good thing, I didn't and don't feel like it was, because there was this moment, just after she left, when the apartment was quiet again....
all the movers had left.....her and her psycho brother were gone....whatever thugs she had rounded up to help motive shit were gone...and it was just me alone in the apartment, standing in the middle of the empty second bedroom and there I was listening to the silence. And it was deafening. And I thought "great....yet again, another person that couldn't stand or didn't want to be around you. you don't get to have friends. you don't deserve to have friends. of course she left, why would she want to even live with you? you're a worthless piece of shit. you're destiny is to always be alone so get used to flying solo loser."
And that's where my mind has been stuck at since last Thursday.
Until tonight.
Recently, I had been emailing back and forth with a friend of mine who happens to own a pretty successful business out here in Las Vegas and we were tossing around the idea of me maybe showing up at one of her job sites and putting in some volunteer hours. We fin ally scheduled and finalized a phone conference call for this evening and I gotta say, I'm pretty blown away by the power of one simple step in the right direction, for the sake of personal and spiritual growth, and in the spirit of open-mindedness.....what all of that can produce. Not only did I sign up for and am now committed to volunteer work 3 days a week at her corporate office (which is a 5 minute bus ride from my apartment btw), but she said knowing my talent and level of skill that when it gets to the point where she sees that she and her business can't live without me she'll just hire me outright and start paying me as a full time employee.
God saw that I was dying inside from loneliness and isolation and depression....and sent this little package of goodness right down in front of me. So grateful and excited to see where this goes. My first day is this Thursday.
Stay tuned....
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