How am I?

I was asked that question today when on the phone with one of my best friends that I consider to be part of my "inner circle."  She asked me how I was doing and what was going on with me.  I stopped for a second, gathered my thoughts, and told the truth.  And after stating my truth, I realized that I'm not 100% okay right now.  As I continued to expound and explain my current mental status and where I'm at today, I realized that I've been plagued with negative affirmations, self-defeating affirmations, and claims and sentiments about myself that all scream how much I hate myself and that, tomorrow being 30 days I'll have clean (yet again), I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my mind to not get too excited, don't celebrate too hard, because I'm probably just going to fuck it up again.  Because that's my MO:  fucking shit up.  I got a PhD in it.  Ever since I got into recovery and started trying to practice this program, I always start to string a considerable amount of clean time together, then go and fuck it up by scoring again and reverting back to full tweaker status in an instant, faster than you can blink.  So I guess, to answer the question of how am I today:  I feel very unsure of myself and very unsure of my recovery and its strength.  I feel very shaky on the foundation upon which I'm standing right now which is also the foundation upon which I'm trying to re-build and establish a life for myself.  I know about the disease and that it's a disease that tells us lies and in our own voice so we believe it and buy into all the self-destructive, self-defeating, self-hating, negative thoughts that it tells us that are true about ourselves.  I know it's all lies.  But when left alone for long enough and I isolate myself to a certain extend and I don't stay in contact with my friends and those who love me who are there to provide me with the truth of what they see in me....when left to my own devices, I buy into the lies and accept them as reality.  And suddenly I'm a worthless piece of shit all over again who doesn't deserve any of what he has in his life and deserves to be suffering, not thriving; not having friends; not smiling; not being happy; not having any sense of peace or serenity in his life.   Yeah, I buy into that shit and I fucking believe it.  I guess the answer is I just can't be left to my own devices or left without supervision with my thoughts and mind for extended periods of time, otherwise, I can easily see myself de-evolve back into a frame of mind where I was on self-destruct mode, and if you weren't there to help aide me in my quest to destroy myself, then you had no place in my life and you needed to get the fuck out of my way.

I don't want to live like that today.  Not anymore.