Joey died yesterday. So far, this is the most painful thing I've ever had to with while in recovery. My mom got home from work yesterday and Joey was breathing funny (really short, ragged breaths), so she took him immediately to the vet where they discovered that hey had fluid in his long, along with a pre-existing heart murmur. The doctor there said that they would need to transport him via doggie ambulance to a 24 hour emergency care hospital and that he had a 50/50 chance; that he could either bounce back and have to be on medication but be okay, or that he could go into cardiac arrest and die. Unfortunately, Joey died in transport to the animal hospital.
When we got there, they pulled my mom and I into one of the rooms and informed us of the turn of events and both of our jaws hit the floor in disbelief.
After they gave us a couple minutes to deal with what they just told us, they gave us the option of seeing him...his body ....to say goodbye. When it was my turn, they wheeled his body in on a cart/movable table and he was wrapped up in a blanket, but when I bent down to hug him and kiss him all over...I'll never forget how cold his body already was...or that his eyes were still open. My mom tried to close them but they wouldn't stay closed. Leaning over him showering him with kisses I began to cry and couldn't stop and soon I was sobbing over the corpse of my dead dog, best friend, and little brother.
I was not ready or prepared for this, but when death strikes, who really is? What's given me an incredible sense of freedom though is remembering some of the truths and promises that NA has taught me: That feelings are just feelings and that they will pass; that all feelings are temporary; that I don't have to use over them or ever again, no matter what.
Today, during this time of despair and grief, I get to be present for life in all it's colors and forms and I get to show up for those that need me as they grieve as well.
Goodbye Joey <3
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