I woke up at 4 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. I slept horribly. I woke up at least 5 times. Each time with dreams of Joey. Joey's death has devastated me and I've started chain smoking too. I know this is the time I need to practice self-care and my program but I don't want to do any of it. I don't want to share, I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to go to the gym, I don't want to go to meetings, I don't want to write, I don't want to work on my Step 1. I just want to hide in my apartment and sleep and hide. And with last night's sleep (or lack of) is any indication, I can't even do that. I told my sponsor all this and he said that it's my disease talking and that it wants me isolated and alone and to not reach out. So even though all I want to do is sleep and hide and avoid everybody and everything, I', going to continue talking about it, continue reaching out, continue writing about it, continue going to meetings (even though I REALLY don't want to) and continue doing all the things I need to do to take care of myself.
I miss you Joey. =(
No comments:
Post a Comment