"We Got in a Fight"

I know the title of this blog sounds so juvenile and is reminiscent of being a kid and saying "mommy and daddy got in a fight"...but it's the best way to sum up something that happened between me and a friend yesterday that is still affecting me today and has completely ruined not only yesterday, but left me in a foul mood today as well.

Regarding yesterday and the incident in question, while I can't and shouldn't go into specific details regarding the exact cause of the fight, I can fast forward to the fact that it caused a very close and important friend of mine to completely blow a gasket and get launched into a full blown panic and rage.  In retrospect, while I freely admit that there were things that I should've said or handled differently when all this was going down, I can't help but stick to a strong conviction that I have that whatever I said or did wouldn't have made a difference because the things that I did say or try to do in my defense or to explain regarding the situation were only shot down or mocked or completely disregarded by my friend.  When this happens and I feel as though my words are going in one ear and out the other without any regard or consideration, I shut down and shut up and just let the other person continue on in the chaos and insanity without me.  So this basically lead to a very uncomfortable car ride home in which I sat quietly in the car as my friend called me a piece of shit and accused me of not caring or giving a shit about him and his valuable time and also tell me that after that day, we probably won't be friends anymore and that I shouldn't expect to hear from him.

Now I'm not reporting his tongue lashing and harsh words to paint him in a bad light.  He was extremely frustrated and clearly having an anxiety attack so I can overlook all that was said because as one who has been afflicted by anxiety/panic attacks in the past (and as one who does irrational things when caught in anger's grip) I can completely understand and empathize with him and the fact that he wasn't thinking rationally and probably didn't mean a lot of the things he said.  However, while I have a hunch he didn't mean the majority of the hurtful things he said, his epithet still had an effect on me and has left me in a foul, stanky funk all day yesterday and all day today.  At first I was confused as to why I was letting what he said affect me so deeply, but I think I've figured it out:  while normally when someone goes off on me, calls me names, tells me "what's wrong with me" etc etc...I can usually easily just shrug it off and ignore the comments and their speaker's validity because if it's coming from someone I could give 2 shits about, then why would I care what their opinion of me is or what they have to say at all?  However, the harsh words and criticisms and rage was all coming from someone that I DO care about and someone who's opinion of me matters a great deal.  So I guess since the person saying these things is someone I care for and respect, the words soared right past my defenses and nailed me right to the core.  For the remainder of the day yesterday and all day today, I've felt completely worthless and keep hearing my friends words in my head and I feel like a total failure as a person and as a friend.  I guess to me and my brain, it's not so important what is said, but rather who says it, that determines what kind of effect it'll have on me.

In a nutshell...as the blog title says:  "we got in a fight" and it's really upset me and I'm very afraid that I've lost a very good friend in the process, just after having gotten him back after him living in another city for the past 5 years.  I don't know how this will all work itself out, but I'm praying for some resolution :-/

And if by any chance the person in question finds his way to this blog and is reading this:  again, I'm very very sorry on so many levels for many things and I took all of what you said to heart and I know I'm a shitty person and a piece of shit and I'm sorry.