Overload

i thought about you all day today.  i don't know what set it off but for some reason i kept seeing the huge cookie from valentine's day in my head.  and seeing those big long arms outstretched across it and the letters that read

"i love you this more much more"

and then sitting on top of that mountain eating our cookie with milk and looking at you and feeling perfectly content.

goodnight

My plea

just be over already.  please.

Totality

i feel that it's been achieved.

he said "some days are harder than others."  very true.  to say today is one of those days is an understatement.

looking back, the totality of everything and all the different elements and how things are now with myself and between the people i love the most, and that the person i loved the most has been completely removed,

i feel like the sum of everything up until this very second is a complete and total failure.  and i have yet to find any motivation to even have hope of anything better.  complete fucking waste of space and of 26 years of everyone's time.  i'm sorry

sick. again

it feels like that's all i ever am. 

and when i'm sick is the worst. because i'm whiney and vulnerable and needy and it's pathetic. 

and it feels like the only person in the world that could make me feel better or give me some sense of comfort is you.

and you hate me and you're gone.

and then....well. now what? 

i miss you so much.  even just talking to you about your day.

i really truly don't know if i'm willing to do this-- all of this, everything -- if this is how it's going to be

Monster

Paramore has a new song..


i thought of you.  it must be my theme song when you think of me.

aptly named too i guess

smouldering

i played with fire last night.  every single resource and piece of information i've come across said to NOT do this while on the meds that i'm on, but cautionary measures seem kinda pointless at the moment.

and so i played with fire indeed, and i know exactly why they warn not to do it, because i think i came dangerously close to having to have the letter delivered (see earlier post).

i should be bothered that i'm not bothered more by the fact that i'm indifferent to what almost happened.

but i'm already over it

and i'm still completely empty.  and part of me thinks that this is what will make him happy...for him to know that my world has been completely torn apart just like his was.  maybe happy was a bad choice of words...appeased? avenged?  satisfied?  i don't know.  but whatever word it is, he has every right to want it if that's the case. and if that is the case, i know i absolutely deserve this.  

hi

hope you're having a good week