So in recovery I've been taught one of the most amazing life skills/coping skills that there is to have in your arsenal of navigating through life. And that's the notion of boundaries: setting them and maintaining them so as not to feel violated or so you don't end up being victimized. Once you learn how to do this, it's amazing what it does to your self-esteem and your confidence in yourself and in your ability to make decisions to take care of yourself. Usually, in recovery literature for example, when they talk of setting boundaries, they are referring to setting boundaries with people in your life. They never have referred to it in the context to which I took it today.
Things have been going so terribly lately, that I felt as though life were just attacking me on all sides, from all fronts, and without reprieve or remorse; that every thing around me was slowly but surely and progressively crumbling to rubble and there was nothing I could do to stop it; that everything I could or would do would still result in the same thing: failure and ruin and defeat.
So this morning I made the decision to go to a meeting at 10:30, kind of as a way to try and start my day off on a positive note, instead of the pessimistic, jaded, nasty, resentful frame of mind I woke up with this morning. On the walk to the bus stop and during the bus ride to the meeting I was mulling over all the events of the past few weeks and analyzing the current state of things that my life had become and I reached a decision. Not only did I reach a decision, but I felt solid in it and confident in it and that I would take no nonsense regarding it and that I was absolutely serious.
So, with this new inner knowledge, I walked into that meeting, sat down, waited a couple minutes and then said my name and that I was an addict and I proceeded to share my truth that I had recently come to terms with on the bus ride over: that things were just continuing to go wrong left and right, one after the other; that I felt like no matter what I did or would/could do, it was all going to end in disaster anyway. However, just because these were the cards that life was handing me did not mean I had to continue playing. I then challenged God to really tend to and take care of my life because I refused to participate or play in some game or contest that is rigged for my demise; to play in any game where I'm going to lose either way and that I'm set up from the start for failure....that in 2 weeks time, if things hadn't turned around in some way, shape, or form, that I was going to kill myself. No questions asked and no hesitation.
An eerie, uncomfortable silence settled over the room and the meeting then continued. Of course, there were plenty of people that wanted to put their 2 cents in about what I said after the meeting but I pretty much just ignored all of them and walked away because, quite honestly, I couldn't give a FUCK what people thought about what I said. Yes everyone is entitled to an opinion; but that does not leave me in any obligation to have to listen to or entertain it.
I felt the meeting, took the bus back towards home, then, as I was walking home, my phone rang. It was a case worker from AFAN with some news she thought I might like to know.....the housing assistance program that's been helping me pay my rent and keep a roof over my head has devastated a huge portion of the less fortunate population here in Vegas, and they couldn't just let that happen and not do something to help, because per the terms of the cancellation of the program, all recipients of the assistance had only 60 days to make other living arrangements. Then she dropped the bomb on me: A grantee on their board saw what was going on and gave the okay to fund AFAN's own program that would provide the same assistance to all of the recipients FOR A FULL YEAR.
Problem: SOLVED. I am no longer going to be homeless come February 1st.
Then, as if God hadn't already sent a big enough of a miracle straight down to me, I got inside my apartment and shortly after that I heard my phone go off, notifying me I had an email. I checked it and gosh, wouldn't ya know that I received from the HR department at The Cosmopolitan and they wanted to interview me ASAP for an administrative assistant position with their offices. My interview is Thursday. =)
So yes, I practiced boundary setting today. With God. And that old fart heard me and answered with "okay, you win, my bad." I'm so relieved and grateful and thankful. I still can't believe it =)
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