Recent Discoveries

So after weeks of stewing in my own juices and marinating in my depression and misery, over the past week or so I've been fortunate enough to have a couple of "Aha" moments and have been able to finally come up with some answers to questions like:  why am I feeling this way?  Why am I behaving in certain ways that has me acting out in my disease and letting my disease manifest itself in other areas and ways in my life.  After some time spent trolling around online (yes, I admit it, I was browsing the hook up sites), several rejections. and some more time to think and process I've come to a painful, ego-shattering, painful realization:  I am no longer sexually attractive in any way or form.  The damage that was started in 2013 when I put on the first of the weight has only gotten worse and I've slowly continued to put on weight as time goes by.  I've lost all muscle definition, any semblance of my toned stomach I used to have, and I'm pretty sure that I see the beginning of man boobs.  This has affected me on such a deep, down to my core way that I am so disgusted with myself, my body, and what I see in the mirror that I can barely stand being in my own skin.  I feel that I've let myself turn into a fat, useless slob fuck that no one will ever want again sexually or romantically.  My inability to be at peace with myself in my own skin has contributed greatly to certain behaviors I've been acting out in lately that I'm none too proud of.
Another contributing factor to my on-going depression is something a friend of mine stated as his observation, but after hearing it said out loud, I knew it was true:  I feel like I have no purpose, no reason to thrive, survive, live my life.  I feel completely useless, lost, and without a sense of any direction of where I'd like to be headed.  Yeah the Social Security income approval was a blessing as are all the wonderful gifts I've been blessed with as a result.  But I find myself waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, taking a look around, not having anywhere to be, not having a job, and no prospects for any plans for the day and then asking myself "....okay...now what do I do with myself?"
So, overall, having no purpose in my life right now, coupled with the fact that I'm now a fat useless fuck slob, I find it hard to claw my way up and out of this depression and foul mood that has begun to affect every area of my life.

Oh well...at least I figured out WHY  I've been feeling this way for the past couple weeks.  I just wish it would go away.